Today is a very special day -- it's Easter. I absolutely love this time of year. Always the new beginnings of something, whether it be new gardening plantings, new baby livestock, new everything. Love this time of year. It's fresh and new. And biblically speaking, it's new life in the spiritual journey.
Today is a little more momentous for me personally. I've been talking a couple times now that my hair has decided to fall out. Last night my hair was everywhere. I mean in hands, clothes, couch, pillows, everywhere! Awful. I have it twisted upward. I did "brush" it yesterday afternoon which proved to be a little intense for me. I don't have bald spots surprisingly. I have a broadcast of even hair loss. I guess that's good? Who knows and frankly, who cares. It's falling out either way. It even feels dead on my head. Doesn't hurt, just feels detached now.
So my dear, dear friend Sanny is here visiting and he will be doing the honors today of either cutting my hair into a really short "do" or shaving it completely. We'll see. However, the inevitable is here. I'm not really laughing about this one. I am wrapping my brain around all this. I've done all the intellectual things such as the justification why this is happening; why my hair is falling out; what does it mean to me; what am I really comfortable with on my head; will I wear a wig; will I only wear hats and bandanas. Either way, I guess this is part of the journey. This is going to be, once again, a day by day thing.
I'm wondering what my cranium is going to look like truly. Some people have these beautiful heads. Not so sure mine will be that. I have so many inperfections already and let's just say I am afraid to see them unveiled. I have psoriasis around my scalp area. Isn't that lovely. I guess I will see if there are any little patches throughout my cranium that is usually covered by my hair. But then again, I think the exposure will be good for my skin. Who knows, I will have to read up more on all this and then by trial and error I will figure it out. I do know that my scalp will be sensitive -- not sure for how long, but that too will be dealt with.
So all, I will be looking quite different. I've seen many a woman out there showing their "baldness" and I have to say I always have said to myself as I pass them by, "Oh, bless her heart." Once again, I'm in this new sorority that I really don't want to be a part of. It really hasn't changed for me regarding this, but at least I am not fearful any longer. I guess there is progress there. I am in the process of truly redefining myself. Almost makes me feel as though I'm a pupa in the process of changing into a butterfly that will go out and show it's true beauty later. I hope to live a lot longer than a butterfly though! LOL. I'm sure I will.
Either way, today is that special day. Wish me luck. Not feeling emotional just kind of mindful and being aware of this fact. Should be interesting if I do fall apart or not. Won't know till I'm there, I guess. All I know is this: I'm going to feel what I will; not going to gloss it over; just feel whatever it is at the time. No expectations. That's a huge step for me. I'm such a control freak. Letting go of so much has been this walk of reality that has been quite the learning curve for me. Just trusting in others is biggy for me. Relying on others is a biggy. In my famous way of saying it: IT IS WHAT IT IS. Dragging that one through the dirt a bit, but it's the truth.
OK. I'm done for now. I'm chilling here with my family and dogs. Still recovering from my port removal. The arm still has to heal obviously cuz it's still turning colors. I guess this is going to take some time. But I'm using the ice packs and being good girl.
I wish all this glorious sacred day a beautiful and wonderful Easter. Tell your loved ones how much you care about them. Say those words to them. They are so very important! Just a smile is like the greatest gift sometimes. I know smiles really brighten my days! I love receiving them!
Hanging in there and ready for my next challenges. Yup, my cup's still half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Getting the Port removed
I head off to Scripp's this morning for my port removal. Considering it's pretty much a holy day, a day of holy obligation, I feel pretty good about this day.
I cannot wait to get this thing out of my body because it's caused so many issues. I have one week till my next chemo appointment (Treatment #2).This is completely reminiscent of my first chemo treatment -- I had just had the port placed into my body. Now, chemo #2, I will have the port out of my body. Go figure.
I'm not afraid, I just want this out. I ask this:
Please pray for me and my family; please keep us in your good thoughts; please send only good energy our way. Thanks again. I will see all and talk to you later. Off we go to La Jolla. As we travel down, I will be head banging to some Bon Jovi, Luther Vandross, or whatever happens to fill my yen for that moment! Might even be my HSU Calypso Band music!
Ciao! Ciao
PS. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! This is the time of year of new beginnings. I love this time of year -- even more than Christmas. May you all be able to enjoy your families and dear friends. May it be filled with only love & happiness.
I cannot wait to get this thing out of my body because it's caused so many issues. I have one week till my next chemo appointment (Treatment #2).This is completely reminiscent of my first chemo treatment -- I had just had the port placed into my body. Now, chemo #2, I will have the port out of my body. Go figure.
I'm not afraid, I just want this out. I ask this:
Please pray for me and my family; please keep us in your good thoughts; please send only good energy our way. Thanks again. I will see all and talk to you later. Off we go to La Jolla. As we travel down, I will be head banging to some Bon Jovi, Luther Vandross, or whatever happens to fill my yen for that moment! Might even be my HSU Calypso Band music!
Ciao! Ciao
PS. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! This is the time of year of new beginnings. I love this time of year -- even more than Christmas. May you all be able to enjoy your families and dear friends. May it be filled with only love & happiness.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Balding is on it's way........
Haven't wrote in a couple days but I really had nothing that is notable. I am waiting to hear back from my doctor about scheduling my removal of the port. And I certainly cannot wait till this happens. My body is really tired. Honestly, if it weren't for this clot issue in my right arm right now, I would be doing so well. But because of this issue, my body is working so much harder (heart) and I have to pretty much limit my physical activity because my arm is pretty much always purple which makes my skin very tight and my hand, once again, looks like I've been pumping iron. And I so wish I were pumping that iron. I'm beginning to notice some atrophy in my arms and legs. So frustrating. Anyway, I pretty much do what I can around the house such as a little laundry or try to make my bed or unload/load dishwasher, wash dishes by hand, etc., but it's not my usual routine. I hate, hate, hate this dependency feeling. Will have to address this issue soon because I can't expect Jim to be constantly keeping up the way I do around this house. He has other commitments going on. But we'll get it worked out.
So I had the most wonderful modified massage today. Thanks to my next door neighbor, Kelli, I was able to go to my appointment. What a star she is. She is my hero of the day! Without any kind of hesitation, that sweetie pie gave up a portion of her morning for me. What a love bug she is! We had a chance to have girl talk which was fun and for a brief period of time, I felt so normal. Thank you my love! You are my new star! KISSES!
My massage released some toxins from my body. I've really been flushing my system today which is a great thing. So, while I was hanging out this afternoon, I ran my fingers through my hair (which I haven't washed in a few days -- yes, I haven't oh well!) and I came out with a handful of HAIR. I've been trying to get myself prepared. I did pretty good overall. When I saw the cluster of hair, I said, "Uh, Oh, I got my question answered, I'm going to lose my hair afterall." Then I had a moment of needing to breathe a big cleansing breath. I didn't cry. I just started combing my fingers through my hair. I almost started to laugh. It's that or go into massive spasm crying which I'm really sick of. So I kept on laughing. What a FREAK of NATURE I am. Who laughs at losing their hair? No, I have no bald spots, but it's significantly thinner. I ended up texting my hubby first. He was so wonderful. I won't tell you his reply, but suffice it to say, he's going to make it all better. LOL. I asked him for his help to wash my hair upon his arrival home.
Jim get's home and into the shower we both go. Yup, we are fun that way. We're like a couple of Banobo's! LOL. Then it began with the shampooing. OH, DEAR GOD, clusters of hair. Now, understand this, I have a lot of hair. I mean a lot. And thank God for that, because I still have hair. But we got a lot of hair off my head. I had hair in places that it shouldn't be getting caught after rinsing my head. Then it happened, the little girl in me came out --- I blubbered. I buried my face into my hubby's chest. He's so amazing and so strong for me. It calmed me down again to let it out and feel what I was feeling -- sheer disgust and in awe that it's happening. I'm trying to visualize myself. Between my pimples and losing my hair, what a freaking BABE I am. He's the luckiest guy on the face of this earth! LOL!! I'm the whole package. LOL. I know, I can't help this feeling? He still loves me no matter what. If we can go through something like this with a sense of purpose and honor for one another, then I think we most definitely are on the right path. Plus, we've been happily married 28 years this June 25. Been together 29 years. Funny thing, which i have shared with many a friend, I was never going to get married, let alone be a mother. I truly didn't think any man could handle me or tolerate my very strong persona. As they say, "When you least expect it."
Yes, I had a brief marriage way back when I was 20 years old. It lasted a whole 10 months. So that one doesn't count. Jim and I have shared a lifetime so far together. Longer than we lived with our own families.
And we still LIKE each other. It's not to say we haven't had our difficulties, cuz we've had -- who hasn't, right? But through it all, we are stuck with one another gleefully! With that, my poor husband will be sleeping with a new baldy pretty soon -- and he isn't even balding! LOL~ Oh, well.
I'm now interested in know and will ultimately see, if my cranium is an ugly one or not? Oh, well, I will wear it well! LOL. I also have psoriasis around my scalp from time to time -- that's going to be interesting to see if that goes away. I hope it spares me more imperfections. But if not, this too shall pass.
Of course, I know all about the wigs, hats, scarves, etc. It's going to be blazing hot down here this summer. And, oh, yeah, I already have a DO RAG!!! LOL!!! Got that one from Patrick -- Ash's very special love in her life. So I'm good to go. For those who do not know, the scalp will be extremely sensitive so I need something as a buffer between my hat and scalp -- hence my DO RAG concept. LOL!!! We'll see. I might have to sport some interesting bandanas, and possible the wig. We'll see about that one. Who knows.
So there you have it. Yet another step. I continue to ask for your prayers and good and positive thoughts.
I feel them so much. It's amazing feeling. Everyday I am getting stronger emotionally. I just can't wait to get this foreign object out of my body now. Enough is enough. Will keep you posted.
Till then, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
So I had the most wonderful modified massage today. Thanks to my next door neighbor, Kelli, I was able to go to my appointment. What a star she is. She is my hero of the day! Without any kind of hesitation, that sweetie pie gave up a portion of her morning for me. What a love bug she is! We had a chance to have girl talk which was fun and for a brief period of time, I felt so normal. Thank you my love! You are my new star! KISSES!
My massage released some toxins from my body. I've really been flushing my system today which is a great thing. So, while I was hanging out this afternoon, I ran my fingers through my hair (which I haven't washed in a few days -- yes, I haven't oh well!) and I came out with a handful of HAIR. I've been trying to get myself prepared. I did pretty good overall. When I saw the cluster of hair, I said, "Uh, Oh, I got my question answered, I'm going to lose my hair afterall." Then I had a moment of needing to breathe a big cleansing breath. I didn't cry. I just started combing my fingers through my hair. I almost started to laugh. It's that or go into massive spasm crying which I'm really sick of. So I kept on laughing. What a FREAK of NATURE I am. Who laughs at losing their hair? No, I have no bald spots, but it's significantly thinner. I ended up texting my hubby first. He was so wonderful. I won't tell you his reply, but suffice it to say, he's going to make it all better. LOL. I asked him for his help to wash my hair upon his arrival home.
Jim get's home and into the shower we both go. Yup, we are fun that way. We're like a couple of Banobo's! LOL. Then it began with the shampooing. OH, DEAR GOD, clusters of hair. Now, understand this, I have a lot of hair. I mean a lot. And thank God for that, because I still have hair. But we got a lot of hair off my head. I had hair in places that it shouldn't be getting caught after rinsing my head. Then it happened, the little girl in me came out --- I blubbered. I buried my face into my hubby's chest. He's so amazing and so strong for me. It calmed me down again to let it out and feel what I was feeling -- sheer disgust and in awe that it's happening. I'm trying to visualize myself. Between my pimples and losing my hair, what a freaking BABE I am. He's the luckiest guy on the face of this earth! LOL!! I'm the whole package. LOL. I know, I can't help this feeling? He still loves me no matter what. If we can go through something like this with a sense of purpose and honor for one another, then I think we most definitely are on the right path. Plus, we've been happily married 28 years this June 25. Been together 29 years. Funny thing, which i have shared with many a friend, I was never going to get married, let alone be a mother. I truly didn't think any man could handle me or tolerate my very strong persona. As they say, "When you least expect it."
Yes, I had a brief marriage way back when I was 20 years old. It lasted a whole 10 months. So that one doesn't count. Jim and I have shared a lifetime so far together. Longer than we lived with our own families.
And we still LIKE each other. It's not to say we haven't had our difficulties, cuz we've had -- who hasn't, right? But through it all, we are stuck with one another gleefully! With that, my poor husband will be sleeping with a new baldy pretty soon -- and he isn't even balding! LOL~ Oh, well.
I'm now interested in know and will ultimately see, if my cranium is an ugly one or not? Oh, well, I will wear it well! LOL. I also have psoriasis around my scalp from time to time -- that's going to be interesting to see if that goes away. I hope it spares me more imperfections. But if not, this too shall pass.
Of course, I know all about the wigs, hats, scarves, etc. It's going to be blazing hot down here this summer. And, oh, yeah, I already have a DO RAG!!! LOL!!! Got that one from Patrick -- Ash's very special love in her life. So I'm good to go. For those who do not know, the scalp will be extremely sensitive so I need something as a buffer between my hat and scalp -- hence my DO RAG concept. LOL!!! We'll see. I might have to sport some interesting bandanas, and possible the wig. We'll see about that one. Who knows.
So there you have it. Yet another step. I continue to ask for your prayers and good and positive thoughts.
I feel them so much. It's amazing feeling. Everyday I am getting stronger emotionally. I just can't wait to get this foreign object out of my body now. Enough is enough. Will keep you posted.
Till then, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Let's be FLEXIBLE
This is a rather quick update. As we all now know, I've had this superficial vein clot going on for at least the past week. I've done all that the docs have wanted me to do. As of this past weekend, my arm still required being elevated almost constantly. no matter what I did, it still turns this purple color as it is currently as I type. Periodically I raise my arm as though I'm trying to request permission to do something or better yet, the 70's show with John Travolta -- Vinnie Bobarino -- Welcome Back Cotter -- with Horshack stretching his right arm up and shouting: Ooh -- oooh--ooh--oooh - for those of you who are old enough does it conjure up the memories somewhat? Anyway, that's what I've had to do. Very tired of this! Very, very, very difficult to live this way. That's if you want to move around at all.
So I put in a call to my Dream Team to let them know the latest -- and it isn't working for me any longer......
I get the call back from my Oncologist, Dr. B. He simply said, he wants it to come out. This is not working and I shouldn't have to go through this any longer.
He also brought up to me that he had rechecked my PET scan a couple times and that he believes that I have a ittty-bitty lymp node that has cancer in between my breast bone and heart artery. OK. Before we all stop breathing -- BREATHE....................I did..........Our family knew about this from the first time results, but it was dismissed somewhat due to it's size. It's a blip literally -- HOWEVER, reality dictates a bit of a change in my chemo as well as my future radiation schedule. The good news my diagnosis is NOT changed. My course of action is not change; the fact I want and now MUST have a bilateral masectomy is and was the correct decision I have made for myself. He also went on to say that this changes the use of the 3rd chemo drug, which by the way is the worst one to be one because up to 5% can get weakened heart muscles surrounding the heart due to it's use to fight cancer. So he's taking me off that one!!!!! I only have to use 2 chemo drugs now!!!!!! 2 only. Thank you God! Thank you God! We will also be able to be very exacting as to the type of radiation I will have to endure. I asked him if it's in my bone -- breast bone -- he said, "NO." It's a blip and its confined to the node only! (Lynn dodges yet another bullet! WWWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEE!!!) I know for some we could look at it from a different angle by saying, "Yah, but..............." Go ahead go there, I won't because it's not necessary. This cancer is what it is. We are nuking it currently and we will really nuke that area later.
The best thing is my guy -- my Dr. B is very, very focused on this and he's ready for action! I just love him. I love that he is that thorough, articulate, paying attention to DETAILS, and that he revisited this PET Scan not once but twice! He's not glib or cavalier. He's spot on and he's watching -- so am I -- I must add! PHEW! Can we always say such words about our docs? I know I haven't been able to in the past! NO WAY.
The fact my body is responding really quickly to just one treatment is amazing. I can't feel my tumor in my underarm today. It's there but it's not protruding, it's very small -- marble size today. Before it was over an egg size. I can't wait for my docs to FEEL ME! LOL!!! Jim just verified and he's jumping for joy! Me, too! So the chemo is working. As brutal as this beast is, this is what you want. This is the goal. Seek and destroy! And I have to say, the power of prayer is GLORIOUS!!! JUST GLORIOUS!!! THANK YOU!!! All the masses and prayers once again are paying off. If you need proof, here I am! I'm not going anywhere.
I also blew up with freakin zits all around my chin, upper lip -- Oh, Yeah, every woman's nightmare! I mean nightmare. They also hurt. Turns out this is a side effect of the chemo drug that I will no longer be taking! Yippee!!!! One more reason. I tell you these drugs are brutal on your body.
Oh, yes, for inquiring minds, I still have my hair! Not sure for how long, but then again, maybe with this change in chemo drugs (less) maybe I'll get to keep my hair!!!! Not sure, but one can hope, right? We'll see. Either way, I have a game plan. Ever the planner.
Now, presently, I suspect I will be in surgery by the end of the week. Oh, goody, just in time for EASTER.
Oh, well, if it means getting rid of that F%$&*** port, then so be it. It was an easy procedure due to the expertise of Dr. Hyde --so let's hope it's even better coming out. Now, the clot will need time to dissipate completely, but that's ok.
My chemo treatments will be IV through my LEFT arm. They ususally don't like to administer the chemo in or near the area "affected." But due to my CLOT in my right arm, can't due any chemo there. But due to the fact I have less chemo, only 2 rather than 3, I should be good to go. I guess I'm making them a believer that if there is anything that is going to happen, it could and might with Lynn. So they won't be taking any more chances. I should be hearing from my docs in the next couple days. We'll see how Dr. Hyde wants to proceed as well. All I know is, if I could go in tomorrow to get this thing out of my body, I would go in tomorrow first thing. Get this out of me. Just like the cancer, I want it out. All in due time.
That's what I know presently. I hope all of you are doing well. Keep loving your lives and loving your families and don't be afraid to tell someone how you truly feel. Be open, because one never knows. I plan on being here for a long while. I'm still doing what I have to do.
Oh, yeah, and I got to eat almost normal today and I got to go for a walk with energy! My dog, Woody, and I went into the field near my home -- I kept on smiling and thanking God and angels for all my blessings. And thanking him for my energy return. It felt so wonderful. Truly, without your health, you have nothing.
Ok. Today my Cup's Half full. Maybe even fuller.....That's nice to say and feel.
Ciao, Ciao.
So I put in a call to my Dream Team to let them know the latest -- and it isn't working for me any longer......
I get the call back from my Oncologist, Dr. B. He simply said, he wants it to come out. This is not working and I shouldn't have to go through this any longer.
He also brought up to me that he had rechecked my PET scan a couple times and that he believes that I have a ittty-bitty lymp node that has cancer in between my breast bone and heart artery. OK. Before we all stop breathing -- BREATHE....................I did..........Our family knew about this from the first time results, but it was dismissed somewhat due to it's size. It's a blip literally -- HOWEVER, reality dictates a bit of a change in my chemo as well as my future radiation schedule. The good news my diagnosis is NOT changed. My course of action is not change; the fact I want and now MUST have a bilateral masectomy is and was the correct decision I have made for myself. He also went on to say that this changes the use of the 3rd chemo drug, which by the way is the worst one to be one because up to 5% can get weakened heart muscles surrounding the heart due to it's use to fight cancer. So he's taking me off that one!!!!! I only have to use 2 chemo drugs now!!!!!! 2 only. Thank you God! Thank you God! We will also be able to be very exacting as to the type of radiation I will have to endure. I asked him if it's in my bone -- breast bone -- he said, "NO." It's a blip and its confined to the node only! (Lynn dodges yet another bullet! WWWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEE!!!) I know for some we could look at it from a different angle by saying, "Yah, but..............." Go ahead go there, I won't because it's not necessary. This cancer is what it is. We are nuking it currently and we will really nuke that area later.
The best thing is my guy -- my Dr. B is very, very focused on this and he's ready for action! I just love him. I love that he is that thorough, articulate, paying attention to DETAILS, and that he revisited this PET Scan not once but twice! He's not glib or cavalier. He's spot on and he's watching -- so am I -- I must add! PHEW! Can we always say such words about our docs? I know I haven't been able to in the past! NO WAY.
The fact my body is responding really quickly to just one treatment is amazing. I can't feel my tumor in my underarm today. It's there but it's not protruding, it's very small -- marble size today. Before it was over an egg size. I can't wait for my docs to FEEL ME! LOL!!! Jim just verified and he's jumping for joy! Me, too! So the chemo is working. As brutal as this beast is, this is what you want. This is the goal. Seek and destroy! And I have to say, the power of prayer is GLORIOUS!!! JUST GLORIOUS!!! THANK YOU!!! All the masses and prayers once again are paying off. If you need proof, here I am! I'm not going anywhere.
I also blew up with freakin zits all around my chin, upper lip -- Oh, Yeah, every woman's nightmare! I mean nightmare. They also hurt. Turns out this is a side effect of the chemo drug that I will no longer be taking! Yippee!!!! One more reason. I tell you these drugs are brutal on your body.
Oh, yes, for inquiring minds, I still have my hair! Not sure for how long, but then again, maybe with this change in chemo drugs (less) maybe I'll get to keep my hair!!!! Not sure, but one can hope, right? We'll see. Either way, I have a game plan. Ever the planner.
Now, presently, I suspect I will be in surgery by the end of the week. Oh, goody, just in time for EASTER.
Oh, well, if it means getting rid of that F%$&*** port, then so be it. It was an easy procedure due to the expertise of Dr. Hyde --so let's hope it's even better coming out. Now, the clot will need time to dissipate completely, but that's ok.
My chemo treatments will be IV through my LEFT arm. They ususally don't like to administer the chemo in or near the area "affected." But due to my CLOT in my right arm, can't due any chemo there. But due to the fact I have less chemo, only 2 rather than 3, I should be good to go. I guess I'm making them a believer that if there is anything that is going to happen, it could and might with Lynn. So they won't be taking any more chances. I should be hearing from my docs in the next couple days. We'll see how Dr. Hyde wants to proceed as well. All I know is, if I could go in tomorrow to get this thing out of my body, I would go in tomorrow first thing. Get this out of me. Just like the cancer, I want it out. All in due time.
That's what I know presently. I hope all of you are doing well. Keep loving your lives and loving your families and don't be afraid to tell someone how you truly feel. Be open, because one never knows. I plan on being here for a long while. I'm still doing what I have to do.
Oh, yeah, and I got to eat almost normal today and I got to go for a walk with energy! My dog, Woody, and I went into the field near my home -- I kept on smiling and thanking God and angels for all my blessings. And thanking him for my energy return. It felt so wonderful. Truly, without your health, you have nothing.
Ok. Today my Cup's Half full. Maybe even fuller.....That's nice to say and feel.
Ciao, Ciao.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
The UGLY Truth.....
OK. This is going to be my very first RANT since beginning this journey. So for those of you who "don't like those words, or she shouldn't be so negative, or she's losing her perspective" I challenge you to stop reading now and go about your life or continue on at your own risk of possibly being insulted by my words on this particular day..... I'm going to be completely HONEST and very much up front with this day and the day before..........
I'm FREAKIN FRUSTRATED because I'm having difficulty stopping this "south-end" issue called Diarrhea!
Not a subject most of us want to discuss. We just "understand." Well, I'm talking about it tonight. It's not like I wasn't warned. It's not like I've been glib about this process; but what I don't understand, is why I cannot get ahead of this bastard. (I told you, do not judge me!) It seems to me that there are a couple things going on with my body currently such as fighting and destroying this cancer out of my body. And in order to do so, this chemo takes no prisoners -- good cells and bad cells. It's all the same to the chemo. Perhaps, I am really stupid to think that I could get ahead of this; that I could outwit this chemo. I think I've been doing that to a degree. Thank GAWD for the Imodium. I even spoke with representatives from the company yesterday about their product. They are sending me $2 discount coupons to keep my supply up during this treatment. Yippee Effing Skippy! But I really am grateful for the discount coupons..........Anywho..............
I've been very diligent at drinking my copious amounts of fluids, trying to get some sort of nutrition whenever possible and resting like a fiend. I also know I must walk and get some fresh air. But due to the fact I'm running on pretty much EMPTY, it's difficult to get motivated to "go for that walk." Ok. I am walking, just not far. Definitely not my rigorous steps as I normally do, but I'm still walking. I hate and resent this lying around. My GAWD it's mind-blowing to think of all the hours I try to keep my mind stimulated with either readings, watching movies, writing thank you notes, giving the dogs attention and love, reorganizing stuff -- whatever it takes.......... Ok, here it comes: I WANT MY LIFE BACK! Yup, I'm on this roller coaster on the downhill slide currently. My intellectual side knows: Life has changed forever and I must go through this process/journey in order to get to the other side of this disease............But the day-in-day-out reality is I am beginning to dig deaper into my psyche to try to get a grip on this sliding down the hill feeling.
I want and need to put nutrition into my body so I may fight this. I feel like I can't because everythin that passes my mouth currently turns into this gutteral fire in the hole effect!
Yes, I got out today with my daughter. I went to Old Town Temecula Farmer's Market and then to a special event that supports Michelle's Place here in Temecula -- It's like the Amazing Race -- called the REality Rally Temecula Valley. Many stars were here from the Amazing Race and Survivor, etc. And there I was -- Woman who has breast cancer, waundering around thanking people for participating in this event. It felt GREAT to be among the living even if it were for a short while. It really felt good. And I FELT good being out there. The sun was warm and you could feel the energy from all the participants. It was wonderful. I even got my wedding ring cleaned for FREE from La Masters Jewelers here in Temecula. Talk about a group of wonderful people and so supportive and jazzed about this event. I couldn't help be uplifted! Thanks again La Masters -- my ring of almost 28 years is sparkling so beautiful today!
BUT..........now I guess I'm paying the price. I was so excited tonight to have a little quiet dinner with my amazing hubby and then it HIT AGAIN..............It leaves me feeling so rung out. Then I had to take yet another dose of the Imodium -- dinner ended and I think Jello is in the forecast for later. Off I go again with the fluids. Poor Jim simply didn't know how to comfort me. He does such a great job of listening and letting me know "WE" are in this together. "WE" are going to conquer this thing. I, too, believe this, but please let me get some nutrition in my body. Yes, I'm going to figure this out but for now I feel like I'm floundering. It's so ridiculous! You know, I didn't even cry this time. I'm not proud of this fact but I'm quite the potty mouth in my home currently. And, Yes, I know there are other words to use -- WHATEVER! This makes me wonder : Am I going to see the end of this diarrhea? I'm assuming I will, but c'mon!
My doc (oncologist) has assured me I should be starting to feel better within this week. OH, please GOD, let this be true! Please let this be true. Of course, this is tonight and maybe tomorrow morning I will wake up thoroughly disgusted with myself for writing this and placing it out there for ALL to read. But for now, it's making me feel so much better by purging this crap out of me.(literally and figurtively) Oh, yeah, and meanwhile, I'm still dealing with this blood clot issue in my right arm. That's supposedly going to work itself out as well. Doesn't seem like it. All I know is I don't want to deal with constantly elevating my arm at all times! That is not living nor practical.
I know I stated I wasn't going to have a bitch fest, but I'm wrong. Later on I will go meditate so I can get that love feeling back inside me that I've had and right now it's not around! I guess one could say I'm like a litle hornet right now.
I'm very grateful none of you can see me in person right now. Once again, to look at me I look pretty normal. A little dark circles beginning to form, but overall, I look very normal. I have lost almost 20 lbs now. I'm actually looking better physically, but I still need this "buffer" zone.
After lunch today with my daughter, we went into the store called Coldwater Creek. Cool clothes. I'm beginning to think about the change of wardrobe especially for getting easily in and out of shirts. I don't want to have to raise my arms high above my head, etc. I want the shirts to be either button-down or zippered for easy access. Anyway, I got going looking in the store. I ended up in the back looking at racks of tops -- then it happened again without warning. I began to have a meltdown -- tears began to well up, I told Ashley,"Uh, Oh, I think I'm going to lose it." She just told me to go with it and feel whatever it is that I am feeling. She made me come over to an alcove where they had this really cool water feature -- she made me stare at it for a few seconds to collect myself and let the water flow evenly through my mind. It helped big time! My daughter is such a sharp cookie!
I got too heady and was thinking about being here in Temecula/Murrieta, Jim and I were supposed to be in Kuaii with some friends for 14 days and I was concerned if I were going to have yet another blow out. Lovely thoughts, eh? So stupid, but the truth. Honestly, I somehow was able just to let a couple tears well up and then think to myself, "There are worse things, Lynn" There are people out there that have it so much worse!
WTF am I doing to myself? It's true, there are sooooo many people that have it so much worse than I. I am trying to keep this in good perspective, but I also realize that I must allow my feelings to flow.
Hey, I am laughing from time to time. That's one good thing. I also watched the movie Hangover yesterday which put me into spasms of laughter! So that's a great thing.
Am I trying to say I don't want to be human like everyone else? That I have down days just like everyone else? I most definitely know my shortcomings....I've beaten myself up over the years enough. But I don't do that any longer. All I'm saying is let this diarrhea stop. I'm eating my bananas, white bread toast, white rice. I am craving protein big time. So if it seems to fit, I will scramble up an egg. I'm willing to do what it takes to get this back in order.
I sound like a big whiner tonight. I am. I'm pathetic, but it is what it is. I have to purge this out of my head and body cuz I know this isn't helping my situation.
Once again, I ask for prayer, good positivity, strength, and LOVE. Tomorrow will be another day and I will probably be better. Or at least I hope. Either way, I begin again and try what I need to in order to get through it -- whatever that is -- and with any amount of luck and hope, I won't be sending any more "fires in the hole." LOL!!!! Ok. I'm laughing again. There's hope.......
Thanks for reading; I'm not making any apologies to anyone. This is how I feel -- sucks, but it's how I feel.
And another thing, I really want to knit but it's a little difficult with my arm the way it is. But I still get my fix by doing a couple rows of the baby blanket I've been working on and/or the scarf that I'm creating as well. It makes me happy. Or I go on Ravelry.com and review works of art and then there's YouTube. I never look at risque things usually on that --I'm a nerd: I either like the knitting or the dog grooming videos. There are also very helpful resources for gardening. See, I'm a nerd and am proud of that fact.
Ok. Enough of the ranting and enough of the rambling. I need to concentrate on some fluids and getting something in my body.
Not sure how full my cups is right now, but at least I know there must be hope! It could be so much worse.
TTFN ~ Ciao, Ciao!
Kisses
I'm FREAKIN FRUSTRATED because I'm having difficulty stopping this "south-end" issue called Diarrhea!
Not a subject most of us want to discuss. We just "understand." Well, I'm talking about it tonight. It's not like I wasn't warned. It's not like I've been glib about this process; but what I don't understand, is why I cannot get ahead of this bastard. (I told you, do not judge me!) It seems to me that there are a couple things going on with my body currently such as fighting and destroying this cancer out of my body. And in order to do so, this chemo takes no prisoners -- good cells and bad cells. It's all the same to the chemo. Perhaps, I am really stupid to think that I could get ahead of this; that I could outwit this chemo. I think I've been doing that to a degree. Thank GAWD for the Imodium. I even spoke with representatives from the company yesterday about their product. They are sending me $2 discount coupons to keep my supply up during this treatment. Yippee Effing Skippy! But I really am grateful for the discount coupons..........Anywho..............
I've been very diligent at drinking my copious amounts of fluids, trying to get some sort of nutrition whenever possible and resting like a fiend. I also know I must walk and get some fresh air. But due to the fact I'm running on pretty much EMPTY, it's difficult to get motivated to "go for that walk." Ok. I am walking, just not far. Definitely not my rigorous steps as I normally do, but I'm still walking. I hate and resent this lying around. My GAWD it's mind-blowing to think of all the hours I try to keep my mind stimulated with either readings, watching movies, writing thank you notes, giving the dogs attention and love, reorganizing stuff -- whatever it takes.......... Ok, here it comes: I WANT MY LIFE BACK! Yup, I'm on this roller coaster on the downhill slide currently. My intellectual side knows: Life has changed forever and I must go through this process/journey in order to get to the other side of this disease............But the day-in-day-out reality is I am beginning to dig deaper into my psyche to try to get a grip on this sliding down the hill feeling.
I want and need to put nutrition into my body so I may fight this. I feel like I can't because everythin that passes my mouth currently turns into this gutteral fire in the hole effect!
Yes, I got out today with my daughter. I went to Old Town Temecula Farmer's Market and then to a special event that supports Michelle's Place here in Temecula -- It's like the Amazing Race -- called the REality Rally Temecula Valley. Many stars were here from the Amazing Race and Survivor, etc. And there I was -- Woman who has breast cancer, waundering around thanking people for participating in this event. It felt GREAT to be among the living even if it were for a short while. It really felt good. And I FELT good being out there. The sun was warm and you could feel the energy from all the participants. It was wonderful. I even got my wedding ring cleaned for FREE from La Masters Jewelers here in Temecula. Talk about a group of wonderful people and so supportive and jazzed about this event. I couldn't help be uplifted! Thanks again La Masters -- my ring of almost 28 years is sparkling so beautiful today!
BUT..........now I guess I'm paying the price. I was so excited tonight to have a little quiet dinner with my amazing hubby and then it HIT AGAIN..............It leaves me feeling so rung out. Then I had to take yet another dose of the Imodium -- dinner ended and I think Jello is in the forecast for later. Off I go again with the fluids. Poor Jim simply didn't know how to comfort me. He does such a great job of listening and letting me know "WE" are in this together. "WE" are going to conquer this thing. I, too, believe this, but please let me get some nutrition in my body. Yes, I'm going to figure this out but for now I feel like I'm floundering. It's so ridiculous! You know, I didn't even cry this time. I'm not proud of this fact but I'm quite the potty mouth in my home currently. And, Yes, I know there are other words to use -- WHATEVER! This makes me wonder : Am I going to see the end of this diarrhea? I'm assuming I will, but c'mon!
My doc (oncologist) has assured me I should be starting to feel better within this week. OH, please GOD, let this be true! Please let this be true. Of course, this is tonight and maybe tomorrow morning I will wake up thoroughly disgusted with myself for writing this and placing it out there for ALL to read. But for now, it's making me feel so much better by purging this crap out of me.(literally and figurtively) Oh, yeah, and meanwhile, I'm still dealing with this blood clot issue in my right arm. That's supposedly going to work itself out as well. Doesn't seem like it. All I know is I don't want to deal with constantly elevating my arm at all times! That is not living nor practical.
I know I stated I wasn't going to have a bitch fest, but I'm wrong. Later on I will go meditate so I can get that love feeling back inside me that I've had and right now it's not around! I guess one could say I'm like a litle hornet right now.
I'm very grateful none of you can see me in person right now. Once again, to look at me I look pretty normal. A little dark circles beginning to form, but overall, I look very normal. I have lost almost 20 lbs now. I'm actually looking better physically, but I still need this "buffer" zone.
After lunch today with my daughter, we went into the store called Coldwater Creek. Cool clothes. I'm beginning to think about the change of wardrobe especially for getting easily in and out of shirts. I don't want to have to raise my arms high above my head, etc. I want the shirts to be either button-down or zippered for easy access. Anyway, I got going looking in the store. I ended up in the back looking at racks of tops -- then it happened again without warning. I began to have a meltdown -- tears began to well up, I told Ashley,"Uh, Oh, I think I'm going to lose it." She just told me to go with it and feel whatever it is that I am feeling. She made me come over to an alcove where they had this really cool water feature -- she made me stare at it for a few seconds to collect myself and let the water flow evenly through my mind. It helped big time! My daughter is such a sharp cookie!
I got too heady and was thinking about being here in Temecula/Murrieta, Jim and I were supposed to be in Kuaii with some friends for 14 days and I was concerned if I were going to have yet another blow out. Lovely thoughts, eh? So stupid, but the truth. Honestly, I somehow was able just to let a couple tears well up and then think to myself, "There are worse things, Lynn" There are people out there that have it so much worse!
WTF am I doing to myself? It's true, there are sooooo many people that have it so much worse than I. I am trying to keep this in good perspective, but I also realize that I must allow my feelings to flow.
Hey, I am laughing from time to time. That's one good thing. I also watched the movie Hangover yesterday which put me into spasms of laughter! So that's a great thing.
Am I trying to say I don't want to be human like everyone else? That I have down days just like everyone else? I most definitely know my shortcomings....I've beaten myself up over the years enough. But I don't do that any longer. All I'm saying is let this diarrhea stop. I'm eating my bananas, white bread toast, white rice. I am craving protein big time. So if it seems to fit, I will scramble up an egg. I'm willing to do what it takes to get this back in order.
I sound like a big whiner tonight. I am. I'm pathetic, but it is what it is. I have to purge this out of my head and body cuz I know this isn't helping my situation.
Once again, I ask for prayer, good positivity, strength, and LOVE. Tomorrow will be another day and I will probably be better. Or at least I hope. Either way, I begin again and try what I need to in order to get through it -- whatever that is -- and with any amount of luck and hope, I won't be sending any more "fires in the hole." LOL!!!! Ok. I'm laughing again. There's hope.......
Thanks for reading; I'm not making any apologies to anyone. This is how I feel -- sucks, but it's how I feel.
And another thing, I really want to knit but it's a little difficult with my arm the way it is. But I still get my fix by doing a couple rows of the baby blanket I've been working on and/or the scarf that I'm creating as well. It makes me happy. Or I go on Ravelry.com and review works of art and then there's YouTube. I never look at risque things usually on that --I'm a nerd: I either like the knitting or the dog grooming videos. There are also very helpful resources for gardening. See, I'm a nerd and am proud of that fact.
Ok. Enough of the ranting and enough of the rambling. I need to concentrate on some fluids and getting something in my body.
Not sure how full my cups is right now, but at least I know there must be hope! It could be so much worse.
TTFN ~ Ciao, Ciao!
Kisses
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Tides have Changed a bit
Things have a way of changing in mid sentence these days. When you least expect something, BANG, there it is!
The last couple days have been a bit of a challenge for me. First off, my right arm began to turn a lovely eggplant color from the should down thru the hand. Obviously, there is some kind of impingement. This began on Sunday mid morning. I noticed the coloration and the fact my arm was tight feeling. Ached a bit,but not badly. My hand looked like I was pumping iron at all times. Lovely. I elevated it and it seemed to help.
But in the morning this situation wasn't turning around. I did notice around my port entrance area -- initial incision site, felt like random pinching from time to time.
I contacted my doctor -- Surgeon and my oncologist to let them know what was happening. Of course, this was in the afternoon, and I could not go on down to La Jolla to have them look. Well, I ended up there Tuesday instead because it was getting worse. My surgeon wanted me in first thing. You know what's simply amazing to me is that when I arrive into this office, I am ushered in within 5-10 minutes and PROMPTLY the doc comes into examine me. This has been every time! Simply wonderful. Talk about a thorough exam. I get sent downstairs for a venus doplar study. Basically, an ultrasound for my veins to see if there are any clots forming. My tech was a hoot! So funny to listen to her conversation to me. She really is a sharp little cookie, but it must get very lonely in her job at times because I swear she could talk to the ultra-sound wand and be able to keep herself amused. Anyway, finished that test -- it was about 20 minutes. The radiologist read it and then I was sent back up the tower to my doc. Turns out YES, I DO have a small clot in my superficial vein going down my right arm. NO, this is NOT life threatening. My body doesn't like the port being in my body essentially. My veins are fighting this fact and there are a lot of directions our veins travel in, so I have to have my blood thinned out a bit. I had to verify this with my oncologist and they administered a blood thinner -- Arixtra shot.This prevents any new clots from forming. Nice little cocktail they shoot into my FAT of my belly. Oh, what a dignified procedure. Not bad at all. Within minutes I could see my arm changing back to it's normal color, but I would need to keep it elevated and sleep with my arm elevated. Oh, joy. Then the next day I would begin taking a very small maintenance amount of Cumidin (1 mg) daily. One thing I have observed through this is how hard my body is working to keep up with this circulation problem. I'm sooooooooo very exhausted. I feel like a mack truck has taken me for a joy ride down the street against my will. Apparently, this is normal.
And, what I'm also learning is the fact my body is really working hard to dispell this cancer so it's constantly using up energy and consequently, I need and must eat frequently. I must also DRINK copious amounts of fluids at all times. This is such a learning curve for me. My sense of normal is out the window now. So I'm learning at all times what works for me and what doesn't work for me.
So the next morning rolls around. Now, remember I'm on the back side of the chemo treatment. It's trying to kill cancer and kill my good cells as well -- a lot of fighting going on in my body. So it must come out. Well, for the sake of argument, I will spare you all the gorey details of what happened next, but suffice it to say it was awful and for some very scary. For me, it wasn't scarey because I was semi-unconscious. Yes, I passed out but was cognizant enough to yell for Jim to help me. He held me and was loudly trying to get me to respond, which I did some of the time but apparently, there were 2 occasions which I was non-responsive. I remember hearing him and just not caring one way or another. I even felt a little bugged by the fact he was so demanding of my attention. LOL!!! Crazy stuff. When this was all said and done, I was white as a ghost and we were on the phone to my surgeon. Needless to say, I was loaded up with a nightbag in hand and on the way to his office and possibly going to be admitted into La Jolla Medical Center for more tests.
We arrive and I began yet another very thorough exam by my surgeon. Talk about concerned. He was checking every minute detail and asking very every little detail. This man ROCKS!! He took my BP standing as well as lying down. There was a big descrepancy -- meaning I was thoroughly DEHYDRATED. See, the body really works on overdrive when it's out of balance. He thoroughly examined the port location. He truly felt it doesn't neet to be removed. I need to get the thinner in my bloodstream for a few days and allow my body to continue to adjust. He and my oncologist were in communication while I was there. It's much better for me to get the fluids into my body the "old fashioned way" rather than having them give me an IV. The body absorbs the fluids much better this way and allows itself to normalize. Okey-dokey.
He felt that I'm in no danger and that my body will continue to work.
Now the Biggest and best news of all..........................
I told my surgeon that I feel that my tumor has already shrunk. I wanted him to exam my axillary and my breast. So he did. He was like a kid in a candy store. He was feeling my tumor in my armpit and exclaimed, "Oh, my, this most definitely have shrunk. It's 1/3 the size already it was." YIPPEE SKIPPEE!!!! I, too, feel this. It's more marble-like and harder. Not squishy and swollen feeling. So all this other crap almost seemed to disappear before my eyes when he validated my conclusion. It's starting to work and my body is responding. And this is the only first treatment. I have 5 more to go. OH, God, I know it may become even more difficult with the side effects, but I need this positive results from time to time.
So he sent us home. Needless, to say, I must drink, drink, drink, at all times; keep my mini meals a flowing and rest when I need to. I'm behind a couple days at this point, but I will bounce back. I slept for a couple hours upon arriving home. Poor Jim and Ash are such troopers. They are so stressed and dealing with this anxiety with the greatest of commitment and never-ending love. I know I have the best family on the face of this earth.
I was able to SKYPE briefly with my youngest daughter, Amy, in Belgium before we lost our signal. I can't imagine her anxiety of always not really knowing what is happening. But it helped her and it helped me to see one another. I love SKYPE. Love, love, love it! But we'll SKYPE again later but for now, it was the shot in the arm I needed to complete me for the afternoon.
It's amazing how well one feels once they are rehydrated. Wow. Such a believer now. The rest of the day was spent walking around the house and sitting with my arm elevated. Went to bed at 10pm trying to get back on a normal schedule of sorts. But I woke up at 3:30am. My body is still dispelling chemo out of me so I have to do what I have to do, if you catch my drift.
This morning I'm by myself. I made a high protein breakfast, made juice with my juicer and am catching you all up with this.
I plan to go out later with my daughter because it's essential I walk and circulate, but I know I will have to rest thoroughly again later on today. But I must do this. I need and should be as normal as possible even though the fatigue can weigh heavily on the body. Thank goodness, it's going to be in the 80's today. It's sunny which keeps my spirits up. I'm much more up than I have been for the past couple days. I hit some low, low points. And I know it may happen again. Most likely. I really hate those down feelings, but they are part of the journey. SUCKS~!
But my tumors are shrinking! There is shrinkage in a good way! LOL!
To all of you, I love you and thank you once again for loving me back. I'm the luckiest woman!
Hugs, kisses and good positive thoughts come your way!
Yes, my Cup is still half full.
Ciao!
The last couple days have been a bit of a challenge for me. First off, my right arm began to turn a lovely eggplant color from the should down thru the hand. Obviously, there is some kind of impingement. This began on Sunday mid morning. I noticed the coloration and the fact my arm was tight feeling. Ached a bit,but not badly. My hand looked like I was pumping iron at all times. Lovely. I elevated it and it seemed to help.
But in the morning this situation wasn't turning around. I did notice around my port entrance area -- initial incision site, felt like random pinching from time to time.
I contacted my doctor -- Surgeon and my oncologist to let them know what was happening. Of course, this was in the afternoon, and I could not go on down to La Jolla to have them look. Well, I ended up there Tuesday instead because it was getting worse. My surgeon wanted me in first thing. You know what's simply amazing to me is that when I arrive into this office, I am ushered in within 5-10 minutes and PROMPTLY the doc comes into examine me. This has been every time! Simply wonderful. Talk about a thorough exam. I get sent downstairs for a venus doplar study. Basically, an ultrasound for my veins to see if there are any clots forming. My tech was a hoot! So funny to listen to her conversation to me. She really is a sharp little cookie, but it must get very lonely in her job at times because I swear she could talk to the ultra-sound wand and be able to keep herself amused. Anyway, finished that test -- it was about 20 minutes. The radiologist read it and then I was sent back up the tower to my doc. Turns out YES, I DO have a small clot in my superficial vein going down my right arm. NO, this is NOT life threatening. My body doesn't like the port being in my body essentially. My veins are fighting this fact and there are a lot of directions our veins travel in, so I have to have my blood thinned out a bit. I had to verify this with my oncologist and they administered a blood thinner -- Arixtra shot.This prevents any new clots from forming. Nice little cocktail they shoot into my FAT of my belly. Oh, what a dignified procedure. Not bad at all. Within minutes I could see my arm changing back to it's normal color, but I would need to keep it elevated and sleep with my arm elevated. Oh, joy. Then the next day I would begin taking a very small maintenance amount of Cumidin (1 mg) daily. One thing I have observed through this is how hard my body is working to keep up with this circulation problem. I'm sooooooooo very exhausted. I feel like a mack truck has taken me for a joy ride down the street against my will. Apparently, this is normal.
And, what I'm also learning is the fact my body is really working hard to dispell this cancer so it's constantly using up energy and consequently, I need and must eat frequently. I must also DRINK copious amounts of fluids at all times. This is such a learning curve for me. My sense of normal is out the window now. So I'm learning at all times what works for me and what doesn't work for me.
So the next morning rolls around. Now, remember I'm on the back side of the chemo treatment. It's trying to kill cancer and kill my good cells as well -- a lot of fighting going on in my body. So it must come out. Well, for the sake of argument, I will spare you all the gorey details of what happened next, but suffice it to say it was awful and for some very scary. For me, it wasn't scarey because I was semi-unconscious. Yes, I passed out but was cognizant enough to yell for Jim to help me. He held me and was loudly trying to get me to respond, which I did some of the time but apparently, there were 2 occasions which I was non-responsive. I remember hearing him and just not caring one way or another. I even felt a little bugged by the fact he was so demanding of my attention. LOL!!! Crazy stuff. When this was all said and done, I was white as a ghost and we were on the phone to my surgeon. Needless to say, I was loaded up with a nightbag in hand and on the way to his office and possibly going to be admitted into La Jolla Medical Center for more tests.
We arrive and I began yet another very thorough exam by my surgeon. Talk about concerned. He was checking every minute detail and asking very every little detail. This man ROCKS!! He took my BP standing as well as lying down. There was a big descrepancy -- meaning I was thoroughly DEHYDRATED. See, the body really works on overdrive when it's out of balance. He thoroughly examined the port location. He truly felt it doesn't neet to be removed. I need to get the thinner in my bloodstream for a few days and allow my body to continue to adjust. He and my oncologist were in communication while I was there. It's much better for me to get the fluids into my body the "old fashioned way" rather than having them give me an IV. The body absorbs the fluids much better this way and allows itself to normalize. Okey-dokey.
He felt that I'm in no danger and that my body will continue to work.
Now the Biggest and best news of all..........................
I told my surgeon that I feel that my tumor has already shrunk. I wanted him to exam my axillary and my breast. So he did. He was like a kid in a candy store. He was feeling my tumor in my armpit and exclaimed, "Oh, my, this most definitely have shrunk. It's 1/3 the size already it was." YIPPEE SKIPPEE!!!! I, too, feel this. It's more marble-like and harder. Not squishy and swollen feeling. So all this other crap almost seemed to disappear before my eyes when he validated my conclusion. It's starting to work and my body is responding. And this is the only first treatment. I have 5 more to go. OH, God, I know it may become even more difficult with the side effects, but I need this positive results from time to time.
So he sent us home. Needless, to say, I must drink, drink, drink, at all times; keep my mini meals a flowing and rest when I need to. I'm behind a couple days at this point, but I will bounce back. I slept for a couple hours upon arriving home. Poor Jim and Ash are such troopers. They are so stressed and dealing with this anxiety with the greatest of commitment and never-ending love. I know I have the best family on the face of this earth.
I was able to SKYPE briefly with my youngest daughter, Amy, in Belgium before we lost our signal. I can't imagine her anxiety of always not really knowing what is happening. But it helped her and it helped me to see one another. I love SKYPE. Love, love, love it! But we'll SKYPE again later but for now, it was the shot in the arm I needed to complete me for the afternoon.
It's amazing how well one feels once they are rehydrated. Wow. Such a believer now. The rest of the day was spent walking around the house and sitting with my arm elevated. Went to bed at 10pm trying to get back on a normal schedule of sorts. But I woke up at 3:30am. My body is still dispelling chemo out of me so I have to do what I have to do, if you catch my drift.
This morning I'm by myself. I made a high protein breakfast, made juice with my juicer and am catching you all up with this.
I plan to go out later with my daughter because it's essential I walk and circulate, but I know I will have to rest thoroughly again later on today. But I must do this. I need and should be as normal as possible even though the fatigue can weigh heavily on the body. Thank goodness, it's going to be in the 80's today. It's sunny which keeps my spirits up. I'm much more up than I have been for the past couple days. I hit some low, low points. And I know it may happen again. Most likely. I really hate those down feelings, but they are part of the journey. SUCKS~!
But my tumors are shrinking! There is shrinkage in a good way! LOL!
To all of you, I love you and thank you once again for loving me back. I'm the luckiest woman!
Hugs, kisses and good positive thoughts come your way!
Yes, my Cup is still half full.
Ciao!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, not so bad
Talk about feeling lucky so far. Now, I know that I'm just beginning this road on Chemo, but not so bad.
I did start my morning a bit too early -- 6:45am to be exact, but the sun was out, the dogs were needing some attention and it was an opportunity for Jim to be able to sleep in a little.
Did the normal course of stuff today; took my 30 minute walk with my dog, went and bought some flowers to beautify around our home; purchased additional bird feeders then a little grocery shopping. Doesn't sound like much but that pretty much wiped me out after I planted and got things spruced up around the home.
I fell asleep on the couch for about 1 hr then proceeded to veg there an additional 2 hours. I felt like I had been really hit by a truck. Just tired -- my energy zapped. Perhaps, I was over enthusiastic this morning's early rise? HMM? Gotta be smarter about this. Just learning the ropes of this game apparently. But I did keep up on my fluids -- I'm finding that this is pivotal! Must drink and be very well hydrated. I cannot slip on this one. My nurse and docs have reminded me that if I borrow energy too heavily, that I will pay for it the next day. Apparently, that's what I did from Saturday. But I still have to work through the lower energy stuff. I'm eating really well with my little mini meals and they are clean foods. Very organic and very conscientious as to what I intake now. Extra careful. Will be honing in this much more.
Now, the night was another story. I was awakened by dogs that needed to go outside,but Jim bounded out of bed before I could attempt to move -- so that was one save, but unfortunately, my body still must have some of those anti inflammatories left in my bloodstream, but my mind would not shut up! This sounds so crazy (but then again, I'm a little there anyway..) but I kept on having Stevie Nix songs playing in my head. Over and over and over. It was too weird. Then my mind would waunder to whatever else it felt like thinking about. Just when I was about to go back out to sleep, once again, another dog needed to go out. What the heck was going on last night? They all had issues! Or at least 2 of the 4 dogs did! Either way, I got up the last 2 times with them. Yes, 2 more times! Ridiculous. Either way, get back into bed and start the whole process over listening to my "songs" in my head and then try to drift off. Well, then another emotion occurred. I was rethinking about the day's stuff that had occurred on Sunday.
Jim had brought in some mail that he had forgotten the previous day and in it were a couple of cards addressed to me. So I open gleefully. I kid you not, I love, love, love these cards. They are such a shot in the arm in a big positive way. One of the cards was from a dear girlfriend from high school that I used to work with up at HSU. The card was so beautiful and the words held such love and warmth I couldn't hold back tears. So after I regained my composure for the 2nd one, I opened it -- this one was from my former Northern Humboldt Eyes for the Blind guide dog puppy raising group. I was the leader of the group for a few years and I loved every minute of it with our volunteers. We were such very different people drawn in for a great cause and became essentially an extension of a family. When you make a commitment to raise a guide dog puppy you commit to at least a year and a half of your life to this puppy which does become a huge part of your family, so there is this huge investment. We all looked to one another for support, training, education, gatherings, pictures, outings.
So I opened this card. And inside were some of the most inspirational words written for me that I couldn't even finish reading it at first. Oh, yeah, I was doing the ugly cry. I mean full on blubbering, runny nose, clutching onto the card cry. Their words to me hit me into my SOUL. Apparently, I have no idea how much people do care about what is happening. Apparently, I need to appreciate people more. Their words will forever lift me up. For some, what's the big deal? It's a huge deal for me. Sometimes lately, I'm too heady about what is going on. I "think" way too much and need to turn it off. By receiving beautiful words of love and encouragement is one of the greatest medicines anyone could receive. Honestly, this caught me off guard at how I'm responding to things. I don't want to take anyone or anything for granted. I want my friends, new friends, and loved ones to know they do matter in every aspect to me -- that their words of love and encouragement are not laying on deaf ears. I have all my cards lined up so I can refer back to them and read them from time to time when I'm feeling a little isolated about all this turn around in my/our lives.
Once again, THANK YOU! It has saved me on so many occasions.
I did receive one of the most beautiful shawls that has been blessed for me to wear and feel the support of those who have made it. It's to come with me to chemo or wherever when I need support. Oh, dear, I need it daily now, so I have been wearing it a lot around the house and will take it with me to my next chemo so I can feel the spiritual support it represents. Thank you, dear friend, for sending this most precious of gifts my way. Once again, humbled beyond words. My words are not enough and for anyone who reads my words, good luck! LOL.
So today is Monday, it has started out slow and steady. I feel groggy from lack of sleep, but not sick at all. I know today is going to be the day of rest , but I will get outside and play a bit with the dogs and go to this lavendar store later on with my daughter, Ashley. It's going to be about 70 degrees today and am looking forward to letting the sun kiss my face today!
I'm rather emotional right now, probably because I'm lacking sleep, but if I need to clean out my tear ducts today yet again, I will let it happen with open arms. But for now, because I get to write this off my chest, I feel pretty darned relieved and refreshed a bit more. It's amazing how writing this out for all to see really is cathartic for me. I just wish I were a better writer, but practice does make perfect -- so maybe my skills will improve through all this. And maybe my humor will begin to show through again. Oh, where is Erma Bombeck when you need her? Bless her heart she was a funny woman and a very smart one, too!
The Cup's Half Full still............Ciao, Ciao
I did start my morning a bit too early -- 6:45am to be exact, but the sun was out, the dogs were needing some attention and it was an opportunity for Jim to be able to sleep in a little.
Did the normal course of stuff today; took my 30 minute walk with my dog, went and bought some flowers to beautify around our home; purchased additional bird feeders then a little grocery shopping. Doesn't sound like much but that pretty much wiped me out after I planted and got things spruced up around the home.
I fell asleep on the couch for about 1 hr then proceeded to veg there an additional 2 hours. I felt like I had been really hit by a truck. Just tired -- my energy zapped. Perhaps, I was over enthusiastic this morning's early rise? HMM? Gotta be smarter about this. Just learning the ropes of this game apparently. But I did keep up on my fluids -- I'm finding that this is pivotal! Must drink and be very well hydrated. I cannot slip on this one. My nurse and docs have reminded me that if I borrow energy too heavily, that I will pay for it the next day. Apparently, that's what I did from Saturday. But I still have to work through the lower energy stuff. I'm eating really well with my little mini meals and they are clean foods. Very organic and very conscientious as to what I intake now. Extra careful. Will be honing in this much more.
Now, the night was another story. I was awakened by dogs that needed to go outside,but Jim bounded out of bed before I could attempt to move -- so that was one save, but unfortunately, my body still must have some of those anti inflammatories left in my bloodstream, but my mind would not shut up! This sounds so crazy (but then again, I'm a little there anyway..) but I kept on having Stevie Nix songs playing in my head. Over and over and over. It was too weird. Then my mind would waunder to whatever else it felt like thinking about. Just when I was about to go back out to sleep, once again, another dog needed to go out. What the heck was going on last night? They all had issues! Or at least 2 of the 4 dogs did! Either way, I got up the last 2 times with them. Yes, 2 more times! Ridiculous. Either way, get back into bed and start the whole process over listening to my "songs" in my head and then try to drift off. Well, then another emotion occurred. I was rethinking about the day's stuff that had occurred on Sunday.
Jim had brought in some mail that he had forgotten the previous day and in it were a couple of cards addressed to me. So I open gleefully. I kid you not, I love, love, love these cards. They are such a shot in the arm in a big positive way. One of the cards was from a dear girlfriend from high school that I used to work with up at HSU. The card was so beautiful and the words held such love and warmth I couldn't hold back tears. So after I regained my composure for the 2nd one, I opened it -- this one was from my former Northern Humboldt Eyes for the Blind guide dog puppy raising group. I was the leader of the group for a few years and I loved every minute of it with our volunteers. We were such very different people drawn in for a great cause and became essentially an extension of a family. When you make a commitment to raise a guide dog puppy you commit to at least a year and a half of your life to this puppy which does become a huge part of your family, so there is this huge investment. We all looked to one another for support, training, education, gatherings, pictures, outings.
So I opened this card. And inside were some of the most inspirational words written for me that I couldn't even finish reading it at first. Oh, yeah, I was doing the ugly cry. I mean full on blubbering, runny nose, clutching onto the card cry. Their words to me hit me into my SOUL. Apparently, I have no idea how much people do care about what is happening. Apparently, I need to appreciate people more. Their words will forever lift me up. For some, what's the big deal? It's a huge deal for me. Sometimes lately, I'm too heady about what is going on. I "think" way too much and need to turn it off. By receiving beautiful words of love and encouragement is one of the greatest medicines anyone could receive. Honestly, this caught me off guard at how I'm responding to things. I don't want to take anyone or anything for granted. I want my friends, new friends, and loved ones to know they do matter in every aspect to me -- that their words of love and encouragement are not laying on deaf ears. I have all my cards lined up so I can refer back to them and read them from time to time when I'm feeling a little isolated about all this turn around in my/our lives.
Once again, THANK YOU! It has saved me on so many occasions.
I did receive one of the most beautiful shawls that has been blessed for me to wear and feel the support of those who have made it. It's to come with me to chemo or wherever when I need support. Oh, dear, I need it daily now, so I have been wearing it a lot around the house and will take it with me to my next chemo so I can feel the spiritual support it represents. Thank you, dear friend, for sending this most precious of gifts my way. Once again, humbled beyond words. My words are not enough and for anyone who reads my words, good luck! LOL.
So today is Monday, it has started out slow and steady. I feel groggy from lack of sleep, but not sick at all. I know today is going to be the day of rest , but I will get outside and play a bit with the dogs and go to this lavendar store later on with my daughter, Ashley. It's going to be about 70 degrees today and am looking forward to letting the sun kiss my face today!
I'm rather emotional right now, probably because I'm lacking sleep, but if I need to clean out my tear ducts today yet again, I will let it happen with open arms. But for now, because I get to write this off my chest, I feel pretty darned relieved and refreshed a bit more. It's amazing how writing this out for all to see really is cathartic for me. I just wish I were a better writer, but practice does make perfect -- so maybe my skills will improve through all this. And maybe my humor will begin to show through again. Oh, where is Erma Bombeck when you need her? Bless her heart she was a funny woman and a very smart one, too!
The Cup's Half Full still............Ciao, Ciao
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