It's been a few days since I've had the desire or the time to write. Many things have happened in the last few days. I guess the most obvious one is I stepped across the threshold and had my chair completely chopped off. We waited till after our dinner to begin this process. Sanny wanted me to feel ready and willing to be able to sit down and begin to unveil the new Lynn. He's a very wise man! He knows me way too well. It's so strange to go through these motions. I was rather ambivalent. Yes, I care but at the same time, it's just flipping hair. And, my hair has been feeling dead on my head. Everytime I would pass my fingers through my hair, I would get clumps of hair. The funny thing was I didn't have any bald spots. It was distributed pretty evenly. I did notice on Sunday afternoon that I had the receeding hairline going on in the center of my part area. But, I sure do have a lot of hair. I'm one of the lucky ones.
So we began. We gathered in my master bathroom where the light was really good. Got my chair to sit in and we all began to watch the "unveiling" process. Here were the cast of characters: Jim (hubby), Ashley (oldest daughter), Patrick (Ash's honey), Thomas (Chef extraordinare and dear Friend), Amy (my youngest daughter and son-in-law, Loreto, via SKYPE from ROME) and last but certainly not least, Sanford (couture dejour -- and dear Friend-brother ). He took the first few cuts to get the bulk off my head. Everytime he combed my would-be hair, it clumped and tangled because it was dead. I truly felt as thought I had a mop on my head. Lifeless hair-- so weird. By the way, Ashley was filming the majority of this process and I will be trying to post this on here and if not here on YouTube. Will keep you all posted on that.
As he cut my hair, we saw different styles. Oh, yeah, he gave me a mullet -- just as a reminder of what USED TO BE in our years gone by. I was called a mullet head by a FORMER boyfriend of Ash's. It was pretty funny of that interpretation by this young man, but I guess in retrospect, it was similar to one -- I was trying to grow my hair out at the time. Either way, all of us had a good laugh. Then, we stopped for a bit so I could see myself at this stage. This was the moment I started to fall apart. I was ready, but the reality hit me. Jim was quick to be there and give me a chance to gather myself up. Once I finished the blubbering, I was much stronger and told them I was ready to get this going on. So off Sanford clipped away. We went to the next style which was considerably shorter. The funny was and I agree with their opinion on this one: as I got my hair cut shorter, I started to look younger. I mean considerably younger. So strange. I guess because there was no distraction with the hair -- not in the way of my face. At one point, I found myself looking like a little kid --- boy-like when I was a kid. NO, I hadn't been drinking! No, this isn't wishful thinking -- it just made me look that way. Mind you there are cameras clicking away and being videoed.
That's one of the biggest changes I've seen in myself. I am allowing this right of passage to be filmed. I'm opening up like I've never opened up before. I'm wanting to share it this way because oddly enough I do believe this can take the mystery out of this process for some who might be entering into this process. And, we as women, have been put into their categories which dictates what femininity is or is not. Supposedly, we have strength in our hair. I have to laugh at that. I feel stronger without it surprisingly so! Either way, I want to take the mystery and the FEAR out of this process. My tape is rather raw at times with the conversations we are sharing among each other. There is senses of humor going on to lighten the situation for me. There was nervous laughter at times from me as well as others in the room. Everyone had their different comfort levels that you will notice. There are good moments, sad moments, happy moments, supportive moments, freaky moments -- that's what makes this so real. It's going to come to you unedited. I want this completely honest from MY perspective. And that's what this is. For ME, this is what I needed to go through. I do not suggest at all that this would work for others; but at least it's there to see and hopefully, gleen some insight into what people can go through. It's an easy process overall, but emotionally, I don't believe it ruins a person. I say this because we are stronger than hair; I am not defined by this disease. And if I need to lose my hair to gain my life back, then so be it. HAIR GROWS BACK. And I'm not going to waste anymore time mourning my hair.
When we got to the final stages of chopping my hair off on the sides and leaving a butch haircut on top (which I did not like the look at all) we took a break. Had to -- just needed to take one more really big cleansing breath to do the final cuts. We took more pics; laughed a lot at this look -- no not my cup of tea to say the least. Then Sanny said, "Let's do it now and take the rest off; what do you think?" I nodded in the affirmative (yes) and said, "Let's do it already." And he did as I commanded. He got the shaving shears and turned that puppy on and took my hair down ultimately to about 1/8 inch around my head. Had to clean it up so there were no stragglers hanging around. But it was done. It felt so weird because my hair folicles were in a pattern around my head and lay in that pattern. A bit on the sensitive side. Doesn't hurt at all -- just sensitive when I ran my hand across my head. It felt so different. We talked about the fact that I would need to wash this and put a good conditioner on my scalp. I have psoriasis in my scalp area but happily no lesions or anything that is gross. I had big time fear that I was going to have disgusting red and seepy patches all over my scalp. But I don't! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I know inquiring minds want to know: what's the shape of my head. I'm happy to report I have a very nice and proportional head. It's so nice and shapely and my ears are perfectly proportioned to my head. Wow, I got a break on this one! THANK YOU GOD! But more importantly, Thank you Mom and Dad for creating me.
The conversation stopped and we just observed my cranium. From my perspective, I didn't expect to get the reactions I did from the gallery that was present. This inlcuded my daughter, Amy, who was on SKYPE. Loreto is a photographer and he was going on about the artistic side of my head. I was so surprised how happy everyone was for me. They got to the point of gushing about me. Kept on telling my my eyes and cheekbones pop out; how young I look; that I'm hot (that came from Jim big time!). About that time they all said,"Ok, maybe we need to give Lynn and Jim some private time." LOL! No, it didn't happen. Then they wanted to know my opinion: well, since I was the recipient, I was still processing this. Yes, my brain was clicking away it's movie of the look and I was staring and smiling. I have to say, this is what you get. I cannot hide myself under my hair. This is me. This is the new Lynn. I guess this is my right of passage. I thought when I turned 50 years old that that was the right of passage. No, I would say shaving your head is a right of passage big time. Suddenly, I was thinking about my make-up, big bangly earrings, scarves and hats. And NO WAY do I want to cover my head with a wig -- at least not at this time. I think that would be so fake for me. I feel that I want the GENUINE Lynn to be seen for who and what I am. And it doesn't get much more up in front like this. I'm not doing this for shock purposes, but this is for me. Please see me for who I really am. You can judge me; go right ahead. Assume what you want or must. Bottom line for me: I frankly do give a crap what you think. I feel pretty darned happy and liberated by this. It's not what I expected myself to feel. But I do feel FREE; I mean REALLY FREE. I'm tickled that I don't have to deal with the dead hair on my head. I'm thinking about all the money I'm saving not coloring or cutting presently; the hair care products are a savings as well. Yes, this is temporary. When I'm finished with chemo and then with radiation, my hair will come back. And then it's really going to get interesting. What and how will it come back as? GREY? Curly? STRAIGHT? From what I see now, I have salt and pepper hair around the front. Well, if I like it, I may keep it that way. This would be, in my opinion, the time to allow this to stay when it's coming back fresh and new. I don't want to look the way I used to. Considering what I'm going through, I can never be the same. I am not the same. I will never be the same again. There are lessons I'm learning daily. I must pay attention to them. Once again, this is MY journey. And I have to say again, there are more blessings that have come out of this horror than there negatives. I will get to the other side of this disease and come back even stronger. My insecurities are fading away quickly. And I don't know why. But they are. What a good sense of self and what a good sense of relief. I don't carry many burdens in my heart the way I was. I'm more grateful than anything.
Since the hair shave, I've been out in the public a few times. The first one was to take Woody, my dog, on his morning walk. Now, remember I'm still recovering from the port removal, so my right arm is still needing to be taken care of and elevated, etc, but I am seeing improvement; and as my doc pointed out to me day before yesterday, my body was really compromised by this clot, so it's going to take a while, but it will recover. So anyway, my walk was short, but I watched a video from YouTube about how to wrap my head with a scarf. Got some great ideas from a couple women and tried my version. I wrapped my head up and to my surprise, it stayed on my head! I did a great job. I look rather exotic. I even put some large earrings on and took off with my dog for his walk in the field. I noticed I walked very straight and tall. Not cocky, just taller. Felt good. We did out thing and came back to the house. I took my scarf off and I let my head breathe. It was a warm day out but I stayed in the house to avoid any sun rays that could burn my head and I needed to rest anyway. I like it with my head exposed. But I will place sunscreen on my head. The skin is very sensitive. Later on in the day, Jim took me to lunch to a beautiful winery called Calloway. What a gorgeous lunch and it felt so good to be among the living! I changed my scarf to a silk scarf and made a twisted rosette to the side of my head. It turned out way cute. I can't believe how much fun I'm having twisting the scarves into different designs. It's so easy and fun. At the restaurant, I was treated just like everyone else: with respect and dignity which is the way it should be. But you can't help feel a little self-conscious. For the most part no one really cared; I did notice a couple double-takes. But I would do that too. It didn't bother me in the least. And if anyone decides to ask questions, I'm completely comfortable in answering any and or all their questions within reason. I also had to do some grocery shopping and that when very well.
Today Ashley and Sanford and I hung out in Encinitas. I had no idea what a cool coastal town it is. So great and very earthy So. Cal style. We had a blast. WE went to a knittery store called The Black Sheep. Talk about over the top yarns! Oh, yeah, I had to buy more stash. GORGEOUS. It made me sweat I got so thrilled out of my brains! For those of you who don't know me, I love, love, love to knit and crochet. It's my ZEN!!!! I don't think I can ever have enough of the organic yarns and gorgeous colors. I don't buy all organics, but I love the unusual. I love the textures and I try to figure out who would love this particular yarn either in a scarf or socks, or fingerless gloves (I'm still needing help) but that's ok. I try. I love my time with knitting. I also like to felt hand bags. I have to say I have created some gorgeous bags, but they do take a bit of money and they take time. But they are addicting. I'm about due again to knit a bag up. But been waiting for my arm to improve so I can. It'll take some time and I will be back in the saddle again.
Needless, to say, I will be back to that knitting shop. Love, love, love it! Gotta go if you are there.
Ok. Wondering why I'm writing at almost 3am in the morning? Well, I have Chemo today @ 10:30am down at my Scripp's Medical Center with my oncologist, Dr. Bernstein. Love this man. And I love Regan more! My nurse. Anyway, I was corrected by the doc and he told me I take the Dexamethazone for the Taxere chemo drug i take to avoid allergic reactions to that particular chemo. I stand corrected. I thought it was for the Adrimiacin. Now, last time he and I talked he was going to removed that drug out of the equation, but since that conversation he has changed his mind. He will examine me to see how far down the tumors from come down; he will then make changes to the drug as needed. So I still may get the Adrimiacin yet. (CRAP) that one is a mean drug. I broke out big time, diarrhea ville, loss of hair, fatigue and a change up in my taste buds somewhat. Not to bad there. So we'll see what happens. The will draw my blood and check my blood panel such as white and red blood cells, hemoglobin, liver, etc. I hope I'm doing well. I feel pretty darned good. But we'll see. I'm am caustiously optomistic. Cannot be glib about chemo. So after this treatment, I will have 4 more treatments! YEAH.
We leave here around 9am cuz I have an appointment with my surgeon for post-op to see how I'm healing and discuss a couple other items. I have been eating well so I have not dropped anymore weight. I now way 152 lbs. (down 13 lbs. total) I have been told that I need some fighting weight still. But my clothes are fitting great and no big muffin tops are around! Yippee Skippee. I defninitely feel better about being in my clothes.
Will keep you all posted as to how the treatment goes this time. Not going to bring my knitting this time because I have to rest my arm. but there is plenty for me to do. I will pack some food to munch on while I hang around. The procedure should take about 2 hrs if all goes well into my veins and I don't suspect any issues to arise.
I continue to ask for as many prayers, good energy and good thoughts as possible. I do feel each and everyone of them. I can't thank you enough.
I'll be in touch in the next couple days. This weekend is going to be a good one and that's what i'm gearing up for.
Take care and I send big hugs and kisses out to all.
Yes, I'm doing ok. I'm ready again. And I can't wait to hear from the doc that he's happy my tumors are responding so well. My surgeon couldn't believe when he felt my tumors how small they are now. He kept on saying, "Wonderful, Lynn; this is simply wonderful." See, miracles happen and I know partly it's because of all the positvity and prayers!!!! There is power big time in prayers.
So with that, yes, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
TO NEW BEGINNINGS: HAPPY EASTER!
Today is a very special day -- it's Easter. I absolutely love this time of year. Always the new beginnings of something, whether it be new gardening plantings, new baby livestock, new everything. Love this time of year. It's fresh and new. And biblically speaking, it's new life in the spiritual journey.
Today is a little more momentous for me personally. I've been talking a couple times now that my hair has decided to fall out. Last night my hair was everywhere. I mean in hands, clothes, couch, pillows, everywhere! Awful. I have it twisted upward. I did "brush" it yesterday afternoon which proved to be a little intense for me. I don't have bald spots surprisingly. I have a broadcast of even hair loss. I guess that's good? Who knows and frankly, who cares. It's falling out either way. It even feels dead on my head. Doesn't hurt, just feels detached now.
So my dear, dear friend Sanny is here visiting and he will be doing the honors today of either cutting my hair into a really short "do" or shaving it completely. We'll see. However, the inevitable is here. I'm not really laughing about this one. I am wrapping my brain around all this. I've done all the intellectual things such as the justification why this is happening; why my hair is falling out; what does it mean to me; what am I really comfortable with on my head; will I wear a wig; will I only wear hats and bandanas. Either way, I guess this is part of the journey. This is going to be, once again, a day by day thing.
I'm wondering what my cranium is going to look like truly. Some people have these beautiful heads. Not so sure mine will be that. I have so many inperfections already and let's just say I am afraid to see them unveiled. I have psoriasis around my scalp area. Isn't that lovely. I guess I will see if there are any little patches throughout my cranium that is usually covered by my hair. But then again, I think the exposure will be good for my skin. Who knows, I will have to read up more on all this and then by trial and error I will figure it out. I do know that my scalp will be sensitive -- not sure for how long, but that too will be dealt with.
So all, I will be looking quite different. I've seen many a woman out there showing their "baldness" and I have to say I always have said to myself as I pass them by, "Oh, bless her heart." Once again, I'm in this new sorority that I really don't want to be a part of. It really hasn't changed for me regarding this, but at least I am not fearful any longer. I guess there is progress there. I am in the process of truly redefining myself. Almost makes me feel as though I'm a pupa in the process of changing into a butterfly that will go out and show it's true beauty later. I hope to live a lot longer than a butterfly though! LOL. I'm sure I will.
Either way, today is that special day. Wish me luck. Not feeling emotional just kind of mindful and being aware of this fact. Should be interesting if I do fall apart or not. Won't know till I'm there, I guess. All I know is this: I'm going to feel what I will; not going to gloss it over; just feel whatever it is at the time. No expectations. That's a huge step for me. I'm such a control freak. Letting go of so much has been this walk of reality that has been quite the learning curve for me. Just trusting in others is biggy for me. Relying on others is a biggy. In my famous way of saying it: IT IS WHAT IT IS. Dragging that one through the dirt a bit, but it's the truth.
OK. I'm done for now. I'm chilling here with my family and dogs. Still recovering from my port removal. The arm still has to heal obviously cuz it's still turning colors. I guess this is going to take some time. But I'm using the ice packs and being good girl.
I wish all this glorious sacred day a beautiful and wonderful Easter. Tell your loved ones how much you care about them. Say those words to them. They are so very important! Just a smile is like the greatest gift sometimes. I know smiles really brighten my days! I love receiving them!
Hanging in there and ready for my next challenges. Yup, my cup's still half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
Today is a little more momentous for me personally. I've been talking a couple times now that my hair has decided to fall out. Last night my hair was everywhere. I mean in hands, clothes, couch, pillows, everywhere! Awful. I have it twisted upward. I did "brush" it yesterday afternoon which proved to be a little intense for me. I don't have bald spots surprisingly. I have a broadcast of even hair loss. I guess that's good? Who knows and frankly, who cares. It's falling out either way. It even feels dead on my head. Doesn't hurt, just feels detached now.
So my dear, dear friend Sanny is here visiting and he will be doing the honors today of either cutting my hair into a really short "do" or shaving it completely. We'll see. However, the inevitable is here. I'm not really laughing about this one. I am wrapping my brain around all this. I've done all the intellectual things such as the justification why this is happening; why my hair is falling out; what does it mean to me; what am I really comfortable with on my head; will I wear a wig; will I only wear hats and bandanas. Either way, I guess this is part of the journey. This is going to be, once again, a day by day thing.
I'm wondering what my cranium is going to look like truly. Some people have these beautiful heads. Not so sure mine will be that. I have so many inperfections already and let's just say I am afraid to see them unveiled. I have psoriasis around my scalp area. Isn't that lovely. I guess I will see if there are any little patches throughout my cranium that is usually covered by my hair. But then again, I think the exposure will be good for my skin. Who knows, I will have to read up more on all this and then by trial and error I will figure it out. I do know that my scalp will be sensitive -- not sure for how long, but that too will be dealt with.
So all, I will be looking quite different. I've seen many a woman out there showing their "baldness" and I have to say I always have said to myself as I pass them by, "Oh, bless her heart." Once again, I'm in this new sorority that I really don't want to be a part of. It really hasn't changed for me regarding this, but at least I am not fearful any longer. I guess there is progress there. I am in the process of truly redefining myself. Almost makes me feel as though I'm a pupa in the process of changing into a butterfly that will go out and show it's true beauty later. I hope to live a lot longer than a butterfly though! LOL. I'm sure I will.
Either way, today is that special day. Wish me luck. Not feeling emotional just kind of mindful and being aware of this fact. Should be interesting if I do fall apart or not. Won't know till I'm there, I guess. All I know is this: I'm going to feel what I will; not going to gloss it over; just feel whatever it is at the time. No expectations. That's a huge step for me. I'm such a control freak. Letting go of so much has been this walk of reality that has been quite the learning curve for me. Just trusting in others is biggy for me. Relying on others is a biggy. In my famous way of saying it: IT IS WHAT IT IS. Dragging that one through the dirt a bit, but it's the truth.
OK. I'm done for now. I'm chilling here with my family and dogs. Still recovering from my port removal. The arm still has to heal obviously cuz it's still turning colors. I guess this is going to take some time. But I'm using the ice packs and being good girl.
I wish all this glorious sacred day a beautiful and wonderful Easter. Tell your loved ones how much you care about them. Say those words to them. They are so very important! Just a smile is like the greatest gift sometimes. I know smiles really brighten my days! I love receiving them!
Hanging in there and ready for my next challenges. Yup, my cup's still half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Getting the Port removed
I head off to Scripp's this morning for my port removal. Considering it's pretty much a holy day, a day of holy obligation, I feel pretty good about this day.
I cannot wait to get this thing out of my body because it's caused so many issues. I have one week till my next chemo appointment (Treatment #2).This is completely reminiscent of my first chemo treatment -- I had just had the port placed into my body. Now, chemo #2, I will have the port out of my body. Go figure.
I'm not afraid, I just want this out. I ask this:
Please pray for me and my family; please keep us in your good thoughts; please send only good energy our way. Thanks again. I will see all and talk to you later. Off we go to La Jolla. As we travel down, I will be head banging to some Bon Jovi, Luther Vandross, or whatever happens to fill my yen for that moment! Might even be my HSU Calypso Band music!
Ciao! Ciao
PS. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! This is the time of year of new beginnings. I love this time of year -- even more than Christmas. May you all be able to enjoy your families and dear friends. May it be filled with only love & happiness.
I cannot wait to get this thing out of my body because it's caused so many issues. I have one week till my next chemo appointment (Treatment #2).This is completely reminiscent of my first chemo treatment -- I had just had the port placed into my body. Now, chemo #2, I will have the port out of my body. Go figure.
I'm not afraid, I just want this out. I ask this:
Please pray for me and my family; please keep us in your good thoughts; please send only good energy our way. Thanks again. I will see all and talk to you later. Off we go to La Jolla. As we travel down, I will be head banging to some Bon Jovi, Luther Vandross, or whatever happens to fill my yen for that moment! Might even be my HSU Calypso Band music!
Ciao! Ciao
PS. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! This is the time of year of new beginnings. I love this time of year -- even more than Christmas. May you all be able to enjoy your families and dear friends. May it be filled with only love & happiness.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Balding is on it's way........
Haven't wrote in a couple days but I really had nothing that is notable. I am waiting to hear back from my doctor about scheduling my removal of the port. And I certainly cannot wait till this happens. My body is really tired. Honestly, if it weren't for this clot issue in my right arm right now, I would be doing so well. But because of this issue, my body is working so much harder (heart) and I have to pretty much limit my physical activity because my arm is pretty much always purple which makes my skin very tight and my hand, once again, looks like I've been pumping iron. And I so wish I were pumping that iron. I'm beginning to notice some atrophy in my arms and legs. So frustrating. Anyway, I pretty much do what I can around the house such as a little laundry or try to make my bed or unload/load dishwasher, wash dishes by hand, etc., but it's not my usual routine. I hate, hate, hate this dependency feeling. Will have to address this issue soon because I can't expect Jim to be constantly keeping up the way I do around this house. He has other commitments going on. But we'll get it worked out.
So I had the most wonderful modified massage today. Thanks to my next door neighbor, Kelli, I was able to go to my appointment. What a star she is. She is my hero of the day! Without any kind of hesitation, that sweetie pie gave up a portion of her morning for me. What a love bug she is! We had a chance to have girl talk which was fun and for a brief period of time, I felt so normal. Thank you my love! You are my new star! KISSES!
My massage released some toxins from my body. I've really been flushing my system today which is a great thing. So, while I was hanging out this afternoon, I ran my fingers through my hair (which I haven't washed in a few days -- yes, I haven't oh well!) and I came out with a handful of HAIR. I've been trying to get myself prepared. I did pretty good overall. When I saw the cluster of hair, I said, "Uh, Oh, I got my question answered, I'm going to lose my hair afterall." Then I had a moment of needing to breathe a big cleansing breath. I didn't cry. I just started combing my fingers through my hair. I almost started to laugh. It's that or go into massive spasm crying which I'm really sick of. So I kept on laughing. What a FREAK of NATURE I am. Who laughs at losing their hair? No, I have no bald spots, but it's significantly thinner. I ended up texting my hubby first. He was so wonderful. I won't tell you his reply, but suffice it to say, he's going to make it all better. LOL. I asked him for his help to wash my hair upon his arrival home.
Jim get's home and into the shower we both go. Yup, we are fun that way. We're like a couple of Banobo's! LOL. Then it began with the shampooing. OH, DEAR GOD, clusters of hair. Now, understand this, I have a lot of hair. I mean a lot. And thank God for that, because I still have hair. But we got a lot of hair off my head. I had hair in places that it shouldn't be getting caught after rinsing my head. Then it happened, the little girl in me came out --- I blubbered. I buried my face into my hubby's chest. He's so amazing and so strong for me. It calmed me down again to let it out and feel what I was feeling -- sheer disgust and in awe that it's happening. I'm trying to visualize myself. Between my pimples and losing my hair, what a freaking BABE I am. He's the luckiest guy on the face of this earth! LOL!! I'm the whole package. LOL. I know, I can't help this feeling? He still loves me no matter what. If we can go through something like this with a sense of purpose and honor for one another, then I think we most definitely are on the right path. Plus, we've been happily married 28 years this June 25. Been together 29 years. Funny thing, which i have shared with many a friend, I was never going to get married, let alone be a mother. I truly didn't think any man could handle me or tolerate my very strong persona. As they say, "When you least expect it."
Yes, I had a brief marriage way back when I was 20 years old. It lasted a whole 10 months. So that one doesn't count. Jim and I have shared a lifetime so far together. Longer than we lived with our own families.
And we still LIKE each other. It's not to say we haven't had our difficulties, cuz we've had -- who hasn't, right? But through it all, we are stuck with one another gleefully! With that, my poor husband will be sleeping with a new baldy pretty soon -- and he isn't even balding! LOL~ Oh, well.
I'm now interested in know and will ultimately see, if my cranium is an ugly one or not? Oh, well, I will wear it well! LOL. I also have psoriasis around my scalp from time to time -- that's going to be interesting to see if that goes away. I hope it spares me more imperfections. But if not, this too shall pass.
Of course, I know all about the wigs, hats, scarves, etc. It's going to be blazing hot down here this summer. And, oh, yeah, I already have a DO RAG!!! LOL!!! Got that one from Patrick -- Ash's very special love in her life. So I'm good to go. For those who do not know, the scalp will be extremely sensitive so I need something as a buffer between my hat and scalp -- hence my DO RAG concept. LOL!!! We'll see. I might have to sport some interesting bandanas, and possible the wig. We'll see about that one. Who knows.
So there you have it. Yet another step. I continue to ask for your prayers and good and positive thoughts.
I feel them so much. It's amazing feeling. Everyday I am getting stronger emotionally. I just can't wait to get this foreign object out of my body now. Enough is enough. Will keep you posted.
Till then, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
So I had the most wonderful modified massage today. Thanks to my next door neighbor, Kelli, I was able to go to my appointment. What a star she is. She is my hero of the day! Without any kind of hesitation, that sweetie pie gave up a portion of her morning for me. What a love bug she is! We had a chance to have girl talk which was fun and for a brief period of time, I felt so normal. Thank you my love! You are my new star! KISSES!
My massage released some toxins from my body. I've really been flushing my system today which is a great thing. So, while I was hanging out this afternoon, I ran my fingers through my hair (which I haven't washed in a few days -- yes, I haven't oh well!) and I came out with a handful of HAIR. I've been trying to get myself prepared. I did pretty good overall. When I saw the cluster of hair, I said, "Uh, Oh, I got my question answered, I'm going to lose my hair afterall." Then I had a moment of needing to breathe a big cleansing breath. I didn't cry. I just started combing my fingers through my hair. I almost started to laugh. It's that or go into massive spasm crying which I'm really sick of. So I kept on laughing. What a FREAK of NATURE I am. Who laughs at losing their hair? No, I have no bald spots, but it's significantly thinner. I ended up texting my hubby first. He was so wonderful. I won't tell you his reply, but suffice it to say, he's going to make it all better. LOL. I asked him for his help to wash my hair upon his arrival home.
Jim get's home and into the shower we both go. Yup, we are fun that way. We're like a couple of Banobo's! LOL. Then it began with the shampooing. OH, DEAR GOD, clusters of hair. Now, understand this, I have a lot of hair. I mean a lot. And thank God for that, because I still have hair. But we got a lot of hair off my head. I had hair in places that it shouldn't be getting caught after rinsing my head. Then it happened, the little girl in me came out --- I blubbered. I buried my face into my hubby's chest. He's so amazing and so strong for me. It calmed me down again to let it out and feel what I was feeling -- sheer disgust and in awe that it's happening. I'm trying to visualize myself. Between my pimples and losing my hair, what a freaking BABE I am. He's the luckiest guy on the face of this earth! LOL!! I'm the whole package. LOL. I know, I can't help this feeling? He still loves me no matter what. If we can go through something like this with a sense of purpose and honor for one another, then I think we most definitely are on the right path. Plus, we've been happily married 28 years this June 25. Been together 29 years. Funny thing, which i have shared with many a friend, I was never going to get married, let alone be a mother. I truly didn't think any man could handle me or tolerate my very strong persona. As they say, "When you least expect it."
Yes, I had a brief marriage way back when I was 20 years old. It lasted a whole 10 months. So that one doesn't count. Jim and I have shared a lifetime so far together. Longer than we lived with our own families.
And we still LIKE each other. It's not to say we haven't had our difficulties, cuz we've had -- who hasn't, right? But through it all, we are stuck with one another gleefully! With that, my poor husband will be sleeping with a new baldy pretty soon -- and he isn't even balding! LOL~ Oh, well.
I'm now interested in know and will ultimately see, if my cranium is an ugly one or not? Oh, well, I will wear it well! LOL. I also have psoriasis around my scalp from time to time -- that's going to be interesting to see if that goes away. I hope it spares me more imperfections. But if not, this too shall pass.
Of course, I know all about the wigs, hats, scarves, etc. It's going to be blazing hot down here this summer. And, oh, yeah, I already have a DO RAG!!! LOL!!! Got that one from Patrick -- Ash's very special love in her life. So I'm good to go. For those who do not know, the scalp will be extremely sensitive so I need something as a buffer between my hat and scalp -- hence my DO RAG concept. LOL!!! We'll see. I might have to sport some interesting bandanas, and possible the wig. We'll see about that one. Who knows.
So there you have it. Yet another step. I continue to ask for your prayers and good and positive thoughts.
I feel them so much. It's amazing feeling. Everyday I am getting stronger emotionally. I just can't wait to get this foreign object out of my body now. Enough is enough. Will keep you posted.
Till then, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Let's be FLEXIBLE
This is a rather quick update. As we all now know, I've had this superficial vein clot going on for at least the past week. I've done all that the docs have wanted me to do. As of this past weekend, my arm still required being elevated almost constantly. no matter what I did, it still turns this purple color as it is currently as I type. Periodically I raise my arm as though I'm trying to request permission to do something or better yet, the 70's show with John Travolta -- Vinnie Bobarino -- Welcome Back Cotter -- with Horshack stretching his right arm up and shouting: Ooh -- oooh--ooh--oooh - for those of you who are old enough does it conjure up the memories somewhat? Anyway, that's what I've had to do. Very tired of this! Very, very, very difficult to live this way. That's if you want to move around at all.
So I put in a call to my Dream Team to let them know the latest -- and it isn't working for me any longer......
I get the call back from my Oncologist, Dr. B. He simply said, he wants it to come out. This is not working and I shouldn't have to go through this any longer.
He also brought up to me that he had rechecked my PET scan a couple times and that he believes that I have a ittty-bitty lymp node that has cancer in between my breast bone and heart artery. OK. Before we all stop breathing -- BREATHE....................I did..........Our family knew about this from the first time results, but it was dismissed somewhat due to it's size. It's a blip literally -- HOWEVER, reality dictates a bit of a change in my chemo as well as my future radiation schedule. The good news my diagnosis is NOT changed. My course of action is not change; the fact I want and now MUST have a bilateral masectomy is and was the correct decision I have made for myself. He also went on to say that this changes the use of the 3rd chemo drug, which by the way is the worst one to be one because up to 5% can get weakened heart muscles surrounding the heart due to it's use to fight cancer. So he's taking me off that one!!!!! I only have to use 2 chemo drugs now!!!!!! 2 only. Thank you God! Thank you God! We will also be able to be very exacting as to the type of radiation I will have to endure. I asked him if it's in my bone -- breast bone -- he said, "NO." It's a blip and its confined to the node only! (Lynn dodges yet another bullet! WWWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEE!!!) I know for some we could look at it from a different angle by saying, "Yah, but..............." Go ahead go there, I won't because it's not necessary. This cancer is what it is. We are nuking it currently and we will really nuke that area later.
The best thing is my guy -- my Dr. B is very, very focused on this and he's ready for action! I just love him. I love that he is that thorough, articulate, paying attention to DETAILS, and that he revisited this PET Scan not once but twice! He's not glib or cavalier. He's spot on and he's watching -- so am I -- I must add! PHEW! Can we always say such words about our docs? I know I haven't been able to in the past! NO WAY.
The fact my body is responding really quickly to just one treatment is amazing. I can't feel my tumor in my underarm today. It's there but it's not protruding, it's very small -- marble size today. Before it was over an egg size. I can't wait for my docs to FEEL ME! LOL!!! Jim just verified and he's jumping for joy! Me, too! So the chemo is working. As brutal as this beast is, this is what you want. This is the goal. Seek and destroy! And I have to say, the power of prayer is GLORIOUS!!! JUST GLORIOUS!!! THANK YOU!!! All the masses and prayers once again are paying off. If you need proof, here I am! I'm not going anywhere.
I also blew up with freakin zits all around my chin, upper lip -- Oh, Yeah, every woman's nightmare! I mean nightmare. They also hurt. Turns out this is a side effect of the chemo drug that I will no longer be taking! Yippee!!!! One more reason. I tell you these drugs are brutal on your body.
Oh, yes, for inquiring minds, I still have my hair! Not sure for how long, but then again, maybe with this change in chemo drugs (less) maybe I'll get to keep my hair!!!! Not sure, but one can hope, right? We'll see. Either way, I have a game plan. Ever the planner.
Now, presently, I suspect I will be in surgery by the end of the week. Oh, goody, just in time for EASTER.
Oh, well, if it means getting rid of that F%$&*** port, then so be it. It was an easy procedure due to the expertise of Dr. Hyde --so let's hope it's even better coming out. Now, the clot will need time to dissipate completely, but that's ok.
My chemo treatments will be IV through my LEFT arm. They ususally don't like to administer the chemo in or near the area "affected." But due to my CLOT in my right arm, can't due any chemo there. But due to the fact I have less chemo, only 2 rather than 3, I should be good to go. I guess I'm making them a believer that if there is anything that is going to happen, it could and might with Lynn. So they won't be taking any more chances. I should be hearing from my docs in the next couple days. We'll see how Dr. Hyde wants to proceed as well. All I know is, if I could go in tomorrow to get this thing out of my body, I would go in tomorrow first thing. Get this out of me. Just like the cancer, I want it out. All in due time.
That's what I know presently. I hope all of you are doing well. Keep loving your lives and loving your families and don't be afraid to tell someone how you truly feel. Be open, because one never knows. I plan on being here for a long while. I'm still doing what I have to do.
Oh, yeah, and I got to eat almost normal today and I got to go for a walk with energy! My dog, Woody, and I went into the field near my home -- I kept on smiling and thanking God and angels for all my blessings. And thanking him for my energy return. It felt so wonderful. Truly, without your health, you have nothing.
Ok. Today my Cup's Half full. Maybe even fuller.....That's nice to say and feel.
Ciao, Ciao.
So I put in a call to my Dream Team to let them know the latest -- and it isn't working for me any longer......
I get the call back from my Oncologist, Dr. B. He simply said, he wants it to come out. This is not working and I shouldn't have to go through this any longer.
He also brought up to me that he had rechecked my PET scan a couple times and that he believes that I have a ittty-bitty lymp node that has cancer in between my breast bone and heart artery. OK. Before we all stop breathing -- BREATHE....................I did..........Our family knew about this from the first time results, but it was dismissed somewhat due to it's size. It's a blip literally -- HOWEVER, reality dictates a bit of a change in my chemo as well as my future radiation schedule. The good news my diagnosis is NOT changed. My course of action is not change; the fact I want and now MUST have a bilateral masectomy is and was the correct decision I have made for myself. He also went on to say that this changes the use of the 3rd chemo drug, which by the way is the worst one to be one because up to 5% can get weakened heart muscles surrounding the heart due to it's use to fight cancer. So he's taking me off that one!!!!! I only have to use 2 chemo drugs now!!!!!! 2 only. Thank you God! Thank you God! We will also be able to be very exacting as to the type of radiation I will have to endure. I asked him if it's in my bone -- breast bone -- he said, "NO." It's a blip and its confined to the node only! (Lynn dodges yet another bullet! WWWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEE!!!) I know for some we could look at it from a different angle by saying, "Yah, but..............." Go ahead go there, I won't because it's not necessary. This cancer is what it is. We are nuking it currently and we will really nuke that area later.
The best thing is my guy -- my Dr. B is very, very focused on this and he's ready for action! I just love him. I love that he is that thorough, articulate, paying attention to DETAILS, and that he revisited this PET Scan not once but twice! He's not glib or cavalier. He's spot on and he's watching -- so am I -- I must add! PHEW! Can we always say such words about our docs? I know I haven't been able to in the past! NO WAY.
The fact my body is responding really quickly to just one treatment is amazing. I can't feel my tumor in my underarm today. It's there but it's not protruding, it's very small -- marble size today. Before it was over an egg size. I can't wait for my docs to FEEL ME! LOL!!! Jim just verified and he's jumping for joy! Me, too! So the chemo is working. As brutal as this beast is, this is what you want. This is the goal. Seek and destroy! And I have to say, the power of prayer is GLORIOUS!!! JUST GLORIOUS!!! THANK YOU!!! All the masses and prayers once again are paying off. If you need proof, here I am! I'm not going anywhere.
I also blew up with freakin zits all around my chin, upper lip -- Oh, Yeah, every woman's nightmare! I mean nightmare. They also hurt. Turns out this is a side effect of the chemo drug that I will no longer be taking! Yippee!!!! One more reason. I tell you these drugs are brutal on your body.
Oh, yes, for inquiring minds, I still have my hair! Not sure for how long, but then again, maybe with this change in chemo drugs (less) maybe I'll get to keep my hair!!!! Not sure, but one can hope, right? We'll see. Either way, I have a game plan. Ever the planner.
Now, presently, I suspect I will be in surgery by the end of the week. Oh, goody, just in time for EASTER.
Oh, well, if it means getting rid of that F%$&*** port, then so be it. It was an easy procedure due to the expertise of Dr. Hyde --so let's hope it's even better coming out. Now, the clot will need time to dissipate completely, but that's ok.
My chemo treatments will be IV through my LEFT arm. They ususally don't like to administer the chemo in or near the area "affected." But due to my CLOT in my right arm, can't due any chemo there. But due to the fact I have less chemo, only 2 rather than 3, I should be good to go. I guess I'm making them a believer that if there is anything that is going to happen, it could and might with Lynn. So they won't be taking any more chances. I should be hearing from my docs in the next couple days. We'll see how Dr. Hyde wants to proceed as well. All I know is, if I could go in tomorrow to get this thing out of my body, I would go in tomorrow first thing. Get this out of me. Just like the cancer, I want it out. All in due time.
That's what I know presently. I hope all of you are doing well. Keep loving your lives and loving your families and don't be afraid to tell someone how you truly feel. Be open, because one never knows. I plan on being here for a long while. I'm still doing what I have to do.
Oh, yeah, and I got to eat almost normal today and I got to go for a walk with energy! My dog, Woody, and I went into the field near my home -- I kept on smiling and thanking God and angels for all my blessings. And thanking him for my energy return. It felt so wonderful. Truly, without your health, you have nothing.
Ok. Today my Cup's Half full. Maybe even fuller.....That's nice to say and feel.
Ciao, Ciao.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
The UGLY Truth.....
OK. This is going to be my very first RANT since beginning this journey. So for those of you who "don't like those words, or she shouldn't be so negative, or she's losing her perspective" I challenge you to stop reading now and go about your life or continue on at your own risk of possibly being insulted by my words on this particular day..... I'm going to be completely HONEST and very much up front with this day and the day before..........
I'm FREAKIN FRUSTRATED because I'm having difficulty stopping this "south-end" issue called Diarrhea!
Not a subject most of us want to discuss. We just "understand." Well, I'm talking about it tonight. It's not like I wasn't warned. It's not like I've been glib about this process; but what I don't understand, is why I cannot get ahead of this bastard. (I told you, do not judge me!) It seems to me that there are a couple things going on with my body currently such as fighting and destroying this cancer out of my body. And in order to do so, this chemo takes no prisoners -- good cells and bad cells. It's all the same to the chemo. Perhaps, I am really stupid to think that I could get ahead of this; that I could outwit this chemo. I think I've been doing that to a degree. Thank GAWD for the Imodium. I even spoke with representatives from the company yesterday about their product. They are sending me $2 discount coupons to keep my supply up during this treatment. Yippee Effing Skippy! But I really am grateful for the discount coupons..........Anywho..............
I've been very diligent at drinking my copious amounts of fluids, trying to get some sort of nutrition whenever possible and resting like a fiend. I also know I must walk and get some fresh air. But due to the fact I'm running on pretty much EMPTY, it's difficult to get motivated to "go for that walk." Ok. I am walking, just not far. Definitely not my rigorous steps as I normally do, but I'm still walking. I hate and resent this lying around. My GAWD it's mind-blowing to think of all the hours I try to keep my mind stimulated with either readings, watching movies, writing thank you notes, giving the dogs attention and love, reorganizing stuff -- whatever it takes.......... Ok, here it comes: I WANT MY LIFE BACK! Yup, I'm on this roller coaster on the downhill slide currently. My intellectual side knows: Life has changed forever and I must go through this process/journey in order to get to the other side of this disease............But the day-in-day-out reality is I am beginning to dig deaper into my psyche to try to get a grip on this sliding down the hill feeling.
I want and need to put nutrition into my body so I may fight this. I feel like I can't because everythin that passes my mouth currently turns into this gutteral fire in the hole effect!
Yes, I got out today with my daughter. I went to Old Town Temecula Farmer's Market and then to a special event that supports Michelle's Place here in Temecula -- It's like the Amazing Race -- called the REality Rally Temecula Valley. Many stars were here from the Amazing Race and Survivor, etc. And there I was -- Woman who has breast cancer, waundering around thanking people for participating in this event. It felt GREAT to be among the living even if it were for a short while. It really felt good. And I FELT good being out there. The sun was warm and you could feel the energy from all the participants. It was wonderful. I even got my wedding ring cleaned for FREE from La Masters Jewelers here in Temecula. Talk about a group of wonderful people and so supportive and jazzed about this event. I couldn't help be uplifted! Thanks again La Masters -- my ring of almost 28 years is sparkling so beautiful today!
BUT..........now I guess I'm paying the price. I was so excited tonight to have a little quiet dinner with my amazing hubby and then it HIT AGAIN..............It leaves me feeling so rung out. Then I had to take yet another dose of the Imodium -- dinner ended and I think Jello is in the forecast for later. Off I go again with the fluids. Poor Jim simply didn't know how to comfort me. He does such a great job of listening and letting me know "WE" are in this together. "WE" are going to conquer this thing. I, too, believe this, but please let me get some nutrition in my body. Yes, I'm going to figure this out but for now I feel like I'm floundering. It's so ridiculous! You know, I didn't even cry this time. I'm not proud of this fact but I'm quite the potty mouth in my home currently. And, Yes, I know there are other words to use -- WHATEVER! This makes me wonder : Am I going to see the end of this diarrhea? I'm assuming I will, but c'mon!
My doc (oncologist) has assured me I should be starting to feel better within this week. OH, please GOD, let this be true! Please let this be true. Of course, this is tonight and maybe tomorrow morning I will wake up thoroughly disgusted with myself for writing this and placing it out there for ALL to read. But for now, it's making me feel so much better by purging this crap out of me.(literally and figurtively) Oh, yeah, and meanwhile, I'm still dealing with this blood clot issue in my right arm. That's supposedly going to work itself out as well. Doesn't seem like it. All I know is I don't want to deal with constantly elevating my arm at all times! That is not living nor practical.
I know I stated I wasn't going to have a bitch fest, but I'm wrong. Later on I will go meditate so I can get that love feeling back inside me that I've had and right now it's not around! I guess one could say I'm like a litle hornet right now.
I'm very grateful none of you can see me in person right now. Once again, to look at me I look pretty normal. A little dark circles beginning to form, but overall, I look very normal. I have lost almost 20 lbs now. I'm actually looking better physically, but I still need this "buffer" zone.
After lunch today with my daughter, we went into the store called Coldwater Creek. Cool clothes. I'm beginning to think about the change of wardrobe especially for getting easily in and out of shirts. I don't want to have to raise my arms high above my head, etc. I want the shirts to be either button-down or zippered for easy access. Anyway, I got going looking in the store. I ended up in the back looking at racks of tops -- then it happened again without warning. I began to have a meltdown -- tears began to well up, I told Ashley,"Uh, Oh, I think I'm going to lose it." She just told me to go with it and feel whatever it is that I am feeling. She made me come over to an alcove where they had this really cool water feature -- she made me stare at it for a few seconds to collect myself and let the water flow evenly through my mind. It helped big time! My daughter is such a sharp cookie!
I got too heady and was thinking about being here in Temecula/Murrieta, Jim and I were supposed to be in Kuaii with some friends for 14 days and I was concerned if I were going to have yet another blow out. Lovely thoughts, eh? So stupid, but the truth. Honestly, I somehow was able just to let a couple tears well up and then think to myself, "There are worse things, Lynn" There are people out there that have it so much worse!
WTF am I doing to myself? It's true, there are sooooo many people that have it so much worse than I. I am trying to keep this in good perspective, but I also realize that I must allow my feelings to flow.
Hey, I am laughing from time to time. That's one good thing. I also watched the movie Hangover yesterday which put me into spasms of laughter! So that's a great thing.
Am I trying to say I don't want to be human like everyone else? That I have down days just like everyone else? I most definitely know my shortcomings....I've beaten myself up over the years enough. But I don't do that any longer. All I'm saying is let this diarrhea stop. I'm eating my bananas, white bread toast, white rice. I am craving protein big time. So if it seems to fit, I will scramble up an egg. I'm willing to do what it takes to get this back in order.
I sound like a big whiner tonight. I am. I'm pathetic, but it is what it is. I have to purge this out of my head and body cuz I know this isn't helping my situation.
Once again, I ask for prayer, good positivity, strength, and LOVE. Tomorrow will be another day and I will probably be better. Or at least I hope. Either way, I begin again and try what I need to in order to get through it -- whatever that is -- and with any amount of luck and hope, I won't be sending any more "fires in the hole." LOL!!!! Ok. I'm laughing again. There's hope.......
Thanks for reading; I'm not making any apologies to anyone. This is how I feel -- sucks, but it's how I feel.
And another thing, I really want to knit but it's a little difficult with my arm the way it is. But I still get my fix by doing a couple rows of the baby blanket I've been working on and/or the scarf that I'm creating as well. It makes me happy. Or I go on Ravelry.com and review works of art and then there's YouTube. I never look at risque things usually on that --I'm a nerd: I either like the knitting or the dog grooming videos. There are also very helpful resources for gardening. See, I'm a nerd and am proud of that fact.
Ok. Enough of the ranting and enough of the rambling. I need to concentrate on some fluids and getting something in my body.
Not sure how full my cups is right now, but at least I know there must be hope! It could be so much worse.
TTFN ~ Ciao, Ciao!
Kisses
I'm FREAKIN FRUSTRATED because I'm having difficulty stopping this "south-end" issue called Diarrhea!
Not a subject most of us want to discuss. We just "understand." Well, I'm talking about it tonight. It's not like I wasn't warned. It's not like I've been glib about this process; but what I don't understand, is why I cannot get ahead of this bastard. (I told you, do not judge me!) It seems to me that there are a couple things going on with my body currently such as fighting and destroying this cancer out of my body. And in order to do so, this chemo takes no prisoners -- good cells and bad cells. It's all the same to the chemo. Perhaps, I am really stupid to think that I could get ahead of this; that I could outwit this chemo. I think I've been doing that to a degree. Thank GAWD for the Imodium. I even spoke with representatives from the company yesterday about their product. They are sending me $2 discount coupons to keep my supply up during this treatment. Yippee Effing Skippy! But I really am grateful for the discount coupons..........Anywho..............
I've been very diligent at drinking my copious amounts of fluids, trying to get some sort of nutrition whenever possible and resting like a fiend. I also know I must walk and get some fresh air. But due to the fact I'm running on pretty much EMPTY, it's difficult to get motivated to "go for that walk." Ok. I am walking, just not far. Definitely not my rigorous steps as I normally do, but I'm still walking. I hate and resent this lying around. My GAWD it's mind-blowing to think of all the hours I try to keep my mind stimulated with either readings, watching movies, writing thank you notes, giving the dogs attention and love, reorganizing stuff -- whatever it takes.......... Ok, here it comes: I WANT MY LIFE BACK! Yup, I'm on this roller coaster on the downhill slide currently. My intellectual side knows: Life has changed forever and I must go through this process/journey in order to get to the other side of this disease............But the day-in-day-out reality is I am beginning to dig deaper into my psyche to try to get a grip on this sliding down the hill feeling.
I want and need to put nutrition into my body so I may fight this. I feel like I can't because everythin that passes my mouth currently turns into this gutteral fire in the hole effect!
Yes, I got out today with my daughter. I went to Old Town Temecula Farmer's Market and then to a special event that supports Michelle's Place here in Temecula -- It's like the Amazing Race -- called the REality Rally Temecula Valley. Many stars were here from the Amazing Race and Survivor, etc. And there I was -- Woman who has breast cancer, waundering around thanking people for participating in this event. It felt GREAT to be among the living even if it were for a short while. It really felt good. And I FELT good being out there. The sun was warm and you could feel the energy from all the participants. It was wonderful. I even got my wedding ring cleaned for FREE from La Masters Jewelers here in Temecula. Talk about a group of wonderful people and so supportive and jazzed about this event. I couldn't help be uplifted! Thanks again La Masters -- my ring of almost 28 years is sparkling so beautiful today!
BUT..........now I guess I'm paying the price. I was so excited tonight to have a little quiet dinner with my amazing hubby and then it HIT AGAIN..............It leaves me feeling so rung out. Then I had to take yet another dose of the Imodium -- dinner ended and I think Jello is in the forecast for later. Off I go again with the fluids. Poor Jim simply didn't know how to comfort me. He does such a great job of listening and letting me know "WE" are in this together. "WE" are going to conquer this thing. I, too, believe this, but please let me get some nutrition in my body. Yes, I'm going to figure this out but for now I feel like I'm floundering. It's so ridiculous! You know, I didn't even cry this time. I'm not proud of this fact but I'm quite the potty mouth in my home currently. And, Yes, I know there are other words to use -- WHATEVER! This makes me wonder : Am I going to see the end of this diarrhea? I'm assuming I will, but c'mon!
My doc (oncologist) has assured me I should be starting to feel better within this week. OH, please GOD, let this be true! Please let this be true. Of course, this is tonight and maybe tomorrow morning I will wake up thoroughly disgusted with myself for writing this and placing it out there for ALL to read. But for now, it's making me feel so much better by purging this crap out of me.(literally and figurtively) Oh, yeah, and meanwhile, I'm still dealing with this blood clot issue in my right arm. That's supposedly going to work itself out as well. Doesn't seem like it. All I know is I don't want to deal with constantly elevating my arm at all times! That is not living nor practical.
I know I stated I wasn't going to have a bitch fest, but I'm wrong. Later on I will go meditate so I can get that love feeling back inside me that I've had and right now it's not around! I guess one could say I'm like a litle hornet right now.
I'm very grateful none of you can see me in person right now. Once again, to look at me I look pretty normal. A little dark circles beginning to form, but overall, I look very normal. I have lost almost 20 lbs now. I'm actually looking better physically, but I still need this "buffer" zone.
After lunch today with my daughter, we went into the store called Coldwater Creek. Cool clothes. I'm beginning to think about the change of wardrobe especially for getting easily in and out of shirts. I don't want to have to raise my arms high above my head, etc. I want the shirts to be either button-down or zippered for easy access. Anyway, I got going looking in the store. I ended up in the back looking at racks of tops -- then it happened again without warning. I began to have a meltdown -- tears began to well up, I told Ashley,"Uh, Oh, I think I'm going to lose it." She just told me to go with it and feel whatever it is that I am feeling. She made me come over to an alcove where they had this really cool water feature -- she made me stare at it for a few seconds to collect myself and let the water flow evenly through my mind. It helped big time! My daughter is such a sharp cookie!
I got too heady and was thinking about being here in Temecula/Murrieta, Jim and I were supposed to be in Kuaii with some friends for 14 days and I was concerned if I were going to have yet another blow out. Lovely thoughts, eh? So stupid, but the truth. Honestly, I somehow was able just to let a couple tears well up and then think to myself, "There are worse things, Lynn" There are people out there that have it so much worse!
WTF am I doing to myself? It's true, there are sooooo many people that have it so much worse than I. I am trying to keep this in good perspective, but I also realize that I must allow my feelings to flow.
Hey, I am laughing from time to time. That's one good thing. I also watched the movie Hangover yesterday which put me into spasms of laughter! So that's a great thing.
Am I trying to say I don't want to be human like everyone else? That I have down days just like everyone else? I most definitely know my shortcomings....I've beaten myself up over the years enough. But I don't do that any longer. All I'm saying is let this diarrhea stop. I'm eating my bananas, white bread toast, white rice. I am craving protein big time. So if it seems to fit, I will scramble up an egg. I'm willing to do what it takes to get this back in order.
I sound like a big whiner tonight. I am. I'm pathetic, but it is what it is. I have to purge this out of my head and body cuz I know this isn't helping my situation.
Once again, I ask for prayer, good positivity, strength, and LOVE. Tomorrow will be another day and I will probably be better. Or at least I hope. Either way, I begin again and try what I need to in order to get through it -- whatever that is -- and with any amount of luck and hope, I won't be sending any more "fires in the hole." LOL!!!! Ok. I'm laughing again. There's hope.......
Thanks for reading; I'm not making any apologies to anyone. This is how I feel -- sucks, but it's how I feel.
And another thing, I really want to knit but it's a little difficult with my arm the way it is. But I still get my fix by doing a couple rows of the baby blanket I've been working on and/or the scarf that I'm creating as well. It makes me happy. Or I go on Ravelry.com and review works of art and then there's YouTube. I never look at risque things usually on that --I'm a nerd: I either like the knitting or the dog grooming videos. There are also very helpful resources for gardening. See, I'm a nerd and am proud of that fact.
Ok. Enough of the ranting and enough of the rambling. I need to concentrate on some fluids and getting something in my body.
Not sure how full my cups is right now, but at least I know there must be hope! It could be so much worse.
TTFN ~ Ciao, Ciao!
Kisses
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Tides have Changed a bit
Things have a way of changing in mid sentence these days. When you least expect something, BANG, there it is!
The last couple days have been a bit of a challenge for me. First off, my right arm began to turn a lovely eggplant color from the should down thru the hand. Obviously, there is some kind of impingement. This began on Sunday mid morning. I noticed the coloration and the fact my arm was tight feeling. Ached a bit,but not badly. My hand looked like I was pumping iron at all times. Lovely. I elevated it and it seemed to help.
But in the morning this situation wasn't turning around. I did notice around my port entrance area -- initial incision site, felt like random pinching from time to time.
I contacted my doctor -- Surgeon and my oncologist to let them know what was happening. Of course, this was in the afternoon, and I could not go on down to La Jolla to have them look. Well, I ended up there Tuesday instead because it was getting worse. My surgeon wanted me in first thing. You know what's simply amazing to me is that when I arrive into this office, I am ushered in within 5-10 minutes and PROMPTLY the doc comes into examine me. This has been every time! Simply wonderful. Talk about a thorough exam. I get sent downstairs for a venus doplar study. Basically, an ultrasound for my veins to see if there are any clots forming. My tech was a hoot! So funny to listen to her conversation to me. She really is a sharp little cookie, but it must get very lonely in her job at times because I swear she could talk to the ultra-sound wand and be able to keep herself amused. Anyway, finished that test -- it was about 20 minutes. The radiologist read it and then I was sent back up the tower to my doc. Turns out YES, I DO have a small clot in my superficial vein going down my right arm. NO, this is NOT life threatening. My body doesn't like the port being in my body essentially. My veins are fighting this fact and there are a lot of directions our veins travel in, so I have to have my blood thinned out a bit. I had to verify this with my oncologist and they administered a blood thinner -- Arixtra shot.This prevents any new clots from forming. Nice little cocktail they shoot into my FAT of my belly. Oh, what a dignified procedure. Not bad at all. Within minutes I could see my arm changing back to it's normal color, but I would need to keep it elevated and sleep with my arm elevated. Oh, joy. Then the next day I would begin taking a very small maintenance amount of Cumidin (1 mg) daily. One thing I have observed through this is how hard my body is working to keep up with this circulation problem. I'm sooooooooo very exhausted. I feel like a mack truck has taken me for a joy ride down the street against my will. Apparently, this is normal.
And, what I'm also learning is the fact my body is really working hard to dispell this cancer so it's constantly using up energy and consequently, I need and must eat frequently. I must also DRINK copious amounts of fluids at all times. This is such a learning curve for me. My sense of normal is out the window now. So I'm learning at all times what works for me and what doesn't work for me.
So the next morning rolls around. Now, remember I'm on the back side of the chemo treatment. It's trying to kill cancer and kill my good cells as well -- a lot of fighting going on in my body. So it must come out. Well, for the sake of argument, I will spare you all the gorey details of what happened next, but suffice it to say it was awful and for some very scary. For me, it wasn't scarey because I was semi-unconscious. Yes, I passed out but was cognizant enough to yell for Jim to help me. He held me and was loudly trying to get me to respond, which I did some of the time but apparently, there were 2 occasions which I was non-responsive. I remember hearing him and just not caring one way or another. I even felt a little bugged by the fact he was so demanding of my attention. LOL!!! Crazy stuff. When this was all said and done, I was white as a ghost and we were on the phone to my surgeon. Needless to say, I was loaded up with a nightbag in hand and on the way to his office and possibly going to be admitted into La Jolla Medical Center for more tests.
We arrive and I began yet another very thorough exam by my surgeon. Talk about concerned. He was checking every minute detail and asking very every little detail. This man ROCKS!! He took my BP standing as well as lying down. There was a big descrepancy -- meaning I was thoroughly DEHYDRATED. See, the body really works on overdrive when it's out of balance. He thoroughly examined the port location. He truly felt it doesn't neet to be removed. I need to get the thinner in my bloodstream for a few days and allow my body to continue to adjust. He and my oncologist were in communication while I was there. It's much better for me to get the fluids into my body the "old fashioned way" rather than having them give me an IV. The body absorbs the fluids much better this way and allows itself to normalize. Okey-dokey.
He felt that I'm in no danger and that my body will continue to work.
Now the Biggest and best news of all..........................
I told my surgeon that I feel that my tumor has already shrunk. I wanted him to exam my axillary and my breast. So he did. He was like a kid in a candy store. He was feeling my tumor in my armpit and exclaimed, "Oh, my, this most definitely have shrunk. It's 1/3 the size already it was." YIPPEE SKIPPEE!!!! I, too, feel this. It's more marble-like and harder. Not squishy and swollen feeling. So all this other crap almost seemed to disappear before my eyes when he validated my conclusion. It's starting to work and my body is responding. And this is the only first treatment. I have 5 more to go. OH, God, I know it may become even more difficult with the side effects, but I need this positive results from time to time.
So he sent us home. Needless, to say, I must drink, drink, drink, at all times; keep my mini meals a flowing and rest when I need to. I'm behind a couple days at this point, but I will bounce back. I slept for a couple hours upon arriving home. Poor Jim and Ash are such troopers. They are so stressed and dealing with this anxiety with the greatest of commitment and never-ending love. I know I have the best family on the face of this earth.
I was able to SKYPE briefly with my youngest daughter, Amy, in Belgium before we lost our signal. I can't imagine her anxiety of always not really knowing what is happening. But it helped her and it helped me to see one another. I love SKYPE. Love, love, love it! But we'll SKYPE again later but for now, it was the shot in the arm I needed to complete me for the afternoon.
It's amazing how well one feels once they are rehydrated. Wow. Such a believer now. The rest of the day was spent walking around the house and sitting with my arm elevated. Went to bed at 10pm trying to get back on a normal schedule of sorts. But I woke up at 3:30am. My body is still dispelling chemo out of me so I have to do what I have to do, if you catch my drift.
This morning I'm by myself. I made a high protein breakfast, made juice with my juicer and am catching you all up with this.
I plan to go out later with my daughter because it's essential I walk and circulate, but I know I will have to rest thoroughly again later on today. But I must do this. I need and should be as normal as possible even though the fatigue can weigh heavily on the body. Thank goodness, it's going to be in the 80's today. It's sunny which keeps my spirits up. I'm much more up than I have been for the past couple days. I hit some low, low points. And I know it may happen again. Most likely. I really hate those down feelings, but they are part of the journey. SUCKS~!
But my tumors are shrinking! There is shrinkage in a good way! LOL!
To all of you, I love you and thank you once again for loving me back. I'm the luckiest woman!
Hugs, kisses and good positive thoughts come your way!
Yes, my Cup is still half full.
Ciao!
The last couple days have been a bit of a challenge for me. First off, my right arm began to turn a lovely eggplant color from the should down thru the hand. Obviously, there is some kind of impingement. This began on Sunday mid morning. I noticed the coloration and the fact my arm was tight feeling. Ached a bit,but not badly. My hand looked like I was pumping iron at all times. Lovely. I elevated it and it seemed to help.
But in the morning this situation wasn't turning around. I did notice around my port entrance area -- initial incision site, felt like random pinching from time to time.
I contacted my doctor -- Surgeon and my oncologist to let them know what was happening. Of course, this was in the afternoon, and I could not go on down to La Jolla to have them look. Well, I ended up there Tuesday instead because it was getting worse. My surgeon wanted me in first thing. You know what's simply amazing to me is that when I arrive into this office, I am ushered in within 5-10 minutes and PROMPTLY the doc comes into examine me. This has been every time! Simply wonderful. Talk about a thorough exam. I get sent downstairs for a venus doplar study. Basically, an ultrasound for my veins to see if there are any clots forming. My tech was a hoot! So funny to listen to her conversation to me. She really is a sharp little cookie, but it must get very lonely in her job at times because I swear she could talk to the ultra-sound wand and be able to keep herself amused. Anyway, finished that test -- it was about 20 minutes. The radiologist read it and then I was sent back up the tower to my doc. Turns out YES, I DO have a small clot in my superficial vein going down my right arm. NO, this is NOT life threatening. My body doesn't like the port being in my body essentially. My veins are fighting this fact and there are a lot of directions our veins travel in, so I have to have my blood thinned out a bit. I had to verify this with my oncologist and they administered a blood thinner -- Arixtra shot.This prevents any new clots from forming. Nice little cocktail they shoot into my FAT of my belly. Oh, what a dignified procedure. Not bad at all. Within minutes I could see my arm changing back to it's normal color, but I would need to keep it elevated and sleep with my arm elevated. Oh, joy. Then the next day I would begin taking a very small maintenance amount of Cumidin (1 mg) daily. One thing I have observed through this is how hard my body is working to keep up with this circulation problem. I'm sooooooooo very exhausted. I feel like a mack truck has taken me for a joy ride down the street against my will. Apparently, this is normal.
And, what I'm also learning is the fact my body is really working hard to dispell this cancer so it's constantly using up energy and consequently, I need and must eat frequently. I must also DRINK copious amounts of fluids at all times. This is such a learning curve for me. My sense of normal is out the window now. So I'm learning at all times what works for me and what doesn't work for me.
So the next morning rolls around. Now, remember I'm on the back side of the chemo treatment. It's trying to kill cancer and kill my good cells as well -- a lot of fighting going on in my body. So it must come out. Well, for the sake of argument, I will spare you all the gorey details of what happened next, but suffice it to say it was awful and for some very scary. For me, it wasn't scarey because I was semi-unconscious. Yes, I passed out but was cognizant enough to yell for Jim to help me. He held me and was loudly trying to get me to respond, which I did some of the time but apparently, there were 2 occasions which I was non-responsive. I remember hearing him and just not caring one way or another. I even felt a little bugged by the fact he was so demanding of my attention. LOL!!! Crazy stuff. When this was all said and done, I was white as a ghost and we were on the phone to my surgeon. Needless to say, I was loaded up with a nightbag in hand and on the way to his office and possibly going to be admitted into La Jolla Medical Center for more tests.
We arrive and I began yet another very thorough exam by my surgeon. Talk about concerned. He was checking every minute detail and asking very every little detail. This man ROCKS!! He took my BP standing as well as lying down. There was a big descrepancy -- meaning I was thoroughly DEHYDRATED. See, the body really works on overdrive when it's out of balance. He thoroughly examined the port location. He truly felt it doesn't neet to be removed. I need to get the thinner in my bloodstream for a few days and allow my body to continue to adjust. He and my oncologist were in communication while I was there. It's much better for me to get the fluids into my body the "old fashioned way" rather than having them give me an IV. The body absorbs the fluids much better this way and allows itself to normalize. Okey-dokey.
He felt that I'm in no danger and that my body will continue to work.
Now the Biggest and best news of all..........................
I told my surgeon that I feel that my tumor has already shrunk. I wanted him to exam my axillary and my breast. So he did. He was like a kid in a candy store. He was feeling my tumor in my armpit and exclaimed, "Oh, my, this most definitely have shrunk. It's 1/3 the size already it was." YIPPEE SKIPPEE!!!! I, too, feel this. It's more marble-like and harder. Not squishy and swollen feeling. So all this other crap almost seemed to disappear before my eyes when he validated my conclusion. It's starting to work and my body is responding. And this is the only first treatment. I have 5 more to go. OH, God, I know it may become even more difficult with the side effects, but I need this positive results from time to time.
So he sent us home. Needless, to say, I must drink, drink, drink, at all times; keep my mini meals a flowing and rest when I need to. I'm behind a couple days at this point, but I will bounce back. I slept for a couple hours upon arriving home. Poor Jim and Ash are such troopers. They are so stressed and dealing with this anxiety with the greatest of commitment and never-ending love. I know I have the best family on the face of this earth.
I was able to SKYPE briefly with my youngest daughter, Amy, in Belgium before we lost our signal. I can't imagine her anxiety of always not really knowing what is happening. But it helped her and it helped me to see one another. I love SKYPE. Love, love, love it! But we'll SKYPE again later but for now, it was the shot in the arm I needed to complete me for the afternoon.
It's amazing how well one feels once they are rehydrated. Wow. Such a believer now. The rest of the day was spent walking around the house and sitting with my arm elevated. Went to bed at 10pm trying to get back on a normal schedule of sorts. But I woke up at 3:30am. My body is still dispelling chemo out of me so I have to do what I have to do, if you catch my drift.
This morning I'm by myself. I made a high protein breakfast, made juice with my juicer and am catching you all up with this.
I plan to go out later with my daughter because it's essential I walk and circulate, but I know I will have to rest thoroughly again later on today. But I must do this. I need and should be as normal as possible even though the fatigue can weigh heavily on the body. Thank goodness, it's going to be in the 80's today. It's sunny which keeps my spirits up. I'm much more up than I have been for the past couple days. I hit some low, low points. And I know it may happen again. Most likely. I really hate those down feelings, but they are part of the journey. SUCKS~!
But my tumors are shrinking! There is shrinkage in a good way! LOL!
To all of you, I love you and thank you once again for loving me back. I'm the luckiest woman!
Hugs, kisses and good positive thoughts come your way!
Yes, my Cup is still half full.
Ciao!
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