Today is Wednesday, May 18, 2010 and I began my anti-inflammatories (2 @ a time) twice a day. Oh, yay! They have steroids in them and the last time I was on these love-r-lee things, I became quite the BEE-och. This time I'm hoping I will see it coming and deal with it better. We'll see; won't we? LOL. Anyway, so far no worries. Going about my life.....
I've been dealing with my allergies. Oh, those buggery allergies. Many people currently have their red eyes, sneezing, wheezing, coughing jags, etc. I have the coughing jag! I sound like Mr. Limpet -- dating myself. Old Don Knotts' movie. Cute movie. So, I've been laying low. I did go out a couple days ago with a friend to a nursery located in Rainbow, CA. Love that little area. I love a few nurseries located down there. I had a chance to show and share with my friend. I love all the blooming going on so I can see the amazing colors of each growing and living plant. So, of course, you got it, my exposure to all those lovelies caused me to get all those histamines going up my nose! Plus, I'm sure it didn't help matters that it was windy. Timing, timing, timing. I'm coming back into chemo and now I am hacking and carrying on like I'm coughing up a lung. Gotta keep learning everyday about what my body can deal with or not deal with.
Today, my cough is much better because I haven't been talking much. I got my new laptop and have been working on it getting it up and running the way I want it to. It's been nice using my brain. Great exercise! Makes you feel normal! I may not remember stuff later, but for now I take it anyway I can! LOL! I have the TV on right now while writing this and Sex and the City reruns are on and the episode that is on is about Samantha dealing with her cancer she's in denial about. But then again, so are her friends -- in denial somewhat. So periodically, I find myself getting that big lump in my throat. I sit here by myself and experience some emotions that no one else ever sees. I feel my tear ducts getting cleaned out, yet again. There are certain things, events, maybe TV episodes that makes one reflect. It's ironic this episode is on. I guess, once again, there are no mistakes for me. I remember watching this episode a few years ago and not knowing I had cancer living in me --- and wow, it certainly has a new meaning altogether for me today. Such is life, eh?
I plan on having something extra special for dinner tonight cuz it's the night before chemo and it's becoming my every-3rd-week-right-of- passage meal. I figure it's very important to make myself and loved ones feel good about themselves - so why not through good and beautiful food? While I feel normal and can, I will eat something with great flavors, cuz I know in the next few days that will change. I now know I get mouth sores, skin rashes or other skin issues, sensitive teeth and then that all encompassing sloggy feeling. Makes my eyes roll back. So there I go, I am indulging myself.
Jim is lucky tonight because he's doing something he loves: golf. He's on a new weekly night league, so he's one happy camper.
Me and the dogs will be hanging out together tonight.
That's a subject I haven't touched upon in great detail yet -- My dogs. I still won't go into great detail but will say this: without my guys, I don't breathe or function right. Their unconditional love fills me up. Make note of the word: UNCONDITIONAL love. Gee, they do feel my energy big time. Sometimes, my chocolate lab, Woody will come and stare at me then place his paw up on my lap as he eases his way closer to my face as if to say, "Mommy, I'm here for you! I love you." Then there is my little terrier cross, Chewy, who comes up and must lay next to me whenever possible. When I have been shedding some tears, he comes up to my face and tries to lick my tears away. Very, very sweet. I don't usually allow my dogs to lick my face or get up in my very personal space, but when I'm a bit down, they know when to come in for the kill with me so-to-speak. They're no fools. LOL. I love my guys. I can't imagine not having them in my lives let alone not having them here with me these days. I squeeze them till they pop! (inside family joke)
In closing today, I ask for your prayers and good thoughts that this chemo will be yet another successful treatment and continue on the shrinkage campain to erradicate this intruder. I think my docs will be very pleased once they examine me tomorrow. Oh, yes, I see both docs, my surgeon first then go to chemo. Still have some concerns about my right arm. Still gets swollen and turns color --just not as bad, but it happens. Want to know if all is ok or if it's going to take more time. I'll find out and report this later.
And as a treat afterwards (chemo, that is), I will go to lunch then go to my new favorite grocery store: Whole Foods.
Life continues to move forward and I'm always hopeful and vigilant about living life. I want to live it more fully, but I'm finally understanding what my new normal is. I can't do what I did before regarding my stamina -- but I still have good energy. I still walk proud and tall. I still smile and laugh -- I think I need to laugh a little more, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I am me but I have to say, I have changed inside big time -- which is a good thing. I have a calm I've never had before -- I am grateful. I also have to say that I'm amazed at the women who cope with this cancer WITHOUT support from loved ones. I cannot imagine going through this whole situation without my support network. I simply cannot imagine. I keep those beautiful women in my prayers and good thoughts as well. They need more than I. And, if they have children, their children need prayers and good thoughts as well. We all need to keep it real.
In closing: My Cup's Half Full! Gunna make the best of this one way or the other. For those doubting this: Try it, you might like it!(meaning: be happier and look at the bright side of things! Give it a shot!) I have NOTHING TO LOSE! Ha! Ha!
Ciao, ciao
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Catching UP with myself
It's been awhile since I've written anything. I guess I haven't had a lot to say, but that's not exactly truthful. I always have something to say, but it's not always what others would like to read about. Or for that matter, what I want to read.
I've had the pleasure of having not one but 2 of my best friends in the world come and visit me this past week. My first bestest friend flew in for a long weekend. She had her work cut out for her while being here. I was proud of myself, because I allowed her to help me. One thing to remember through all this, I am doing really well, but the reality is, I get really tired. And the chemo fatigue is one that all should respect. If I don't listen to it, it kicks my butt big time. So when this would happen, my girly friend would step in and do her magic. She baked for me, massaged my hands and feet (glory be!), tucked me in for my naps, assisted me in the tub, and she tolerated whatever I dished back at her. She didn't even freak out when she saw my bald head for the first time. Oh, yeah, we cried together, of course, but it wasn't one of those moments I was dreading that someone would get that panicked look of "Oh, no, poor thing."
The best part was sharing the special moments. There were many. I am blessed like I've been saying throughout this blogging process. I am truly blessed. I know some may think that how can I think this cancer, once again, has turned out to be a blessing in disguise? Because there are so many other positives that have come out of it. I love that people are letting me know how they genuinely feel. It's about no regrets and having the opportunity to let those around us how we feel about each other and not be afraid of doing so. Love this part.
The other thing that occurred to me the other day was that I haven't given it any thought at all that I would be dying. Let me say this out loud on this blog forum that I have no plans of going anywhere. I am moving through the process the way I must at this point in my life. I will get on the other side of this. It wasn't until I had a rather deep discussion with one of my friends that anyone would be thinking that I could possibly die. Guess what everyone: I am living and I continue to live and I will be here just like a bad habit! This is not an unrealistic expectation for my circumstance. Yes, I have quite the road, but guess what? I'm still here and doing better everyday. EVERY DAY!!!!
Yes, I'm a very different person on many levels, but I'm also still Lynn. I still can drive everyone nuts at times; I still am very passionate about love & life; I love my dogs so very much and can't breathe without them being in my life; I still love cooking and my landscaping projects; I still love my family endlessly; I still have plans of travel around our great USA and abroad; I still AM!!!!
And guess what? The latest with my tumors: There is still serious Shrinkage happening! WWWHHHOOOAAAA! Oh, yes. My daughter and I were talking about how my left breast seems to be either dying or the chemo is discoloring the tissue underneath the skin surface. But there is some serious work going on. I feel it happening everyday. No, it doesn't hurt too much while it's doing it's thing, but there is some discomfort of sorts. I would be lying if I were saying it were a bed of roses, because it's not. But I most certainly don't lose sleep. Yes, there can be what I call "shooter pains" in that region of my breast, but I know it's dying or being critically wounded! Once again, there has to be some give and take on my part while I feel these pains. That's why I always and continue to believe to make sure to do something for myself to make me feel relief or free for a short period of time. Whether that means some sort of massage or floating in the bath tub -- at least that is what gives me relief. I also will meditate or go for that walk (whether it's short or not) so I can clear my brain. Just having that opportunity to feel normal for a while. It's like the greatest thing while it's happening. Oh, yes, and I pray constantly in my head/heart. That's just a given. This is not to say I'm always happy, cuz I'm not.
I have been experiencing some issues in public a couple times now.
I went out shopping with my friend. This sales person was obviously very uncomfortable with me -- not sure why, but she was--maybe cuz I had this lovely sunrash on my neck & part of my left cheek. Consequently, when I wanted or needed some assistance with some make-up products, she was compliant to get my products, but she would refer back to my friend. She didn't want to look at me or talk directly to me. Hello! I'm standing right here! I realized it was her own issues; my girlfriend kept on referring back to me and I would then talk directly back to the lady assisting us. I know, I should have said something but all I wanted was this product. The lady eventually lightened up with me, but then it happened: She brought up about her mom and how she ultimately died from cancer. I tried to be empathetic, but I was not embracing the gory details. But I stood there listening. She obviously felt the need to say this to me in order for her to get through her uncomfortable behaviour. Then out of the blue she says, "You're so sweet." And hugged me. So I hugged back. Phew! I'm learning daily. I can handle these isolated little events, but I hope this doesn't begin to be an issue whenever I go out. Perhaps, this is going to be one of those learning curves as I go out more and more into the public eye -- judgments. It's going to be up to me to not get defensive, but to embrace and not allow this to bother me. The more they see me, I think, the more people will become aware. Maybe I've stated this before -- please be sensitive to those who have cancer or any kind of illness that maybe it's really not appropriate to share such details about your loss of others. For me it's cool to share your lost someone, but please keep it to a minimum of how the cancer took them over and how they withered to bones and how they couldn't eat and blah, blah, blah. I can only speak for myself, but you don't always have to feel compelled to say anything. Maybe a kind word of, "I hope you are doing well" or "I love your hat" or "you have a great smile." I'm just saying or maybe I'm wishing.......Either way, it feels better for me to share this.
So I'm approaching my 3rd chemo treatment this next Thursday, May 19 @10:30am. Double-edged sword for me -- I look forward to seeing both my surgeon and oncologist to show the progress but I don't look forward to the next chemo treatment. All-in-all I have come out of each treatment pretty good -- yes, I have my skin issues and what have you, but the chemo so far has spared me somewhat. The reality is this: I will be halfway through this chemo regimen! Halfway through. My next goal is to finish this on July 21 without too much incident. After the chemo, I recooperate for a few weeks then I go into my next phase: Bi-lateral mastectomy. Yes, both breasts will be removed plus some lymph nodes under my left arm. The great news is my youngest daughter and her hubby will be visiting here from Italy in late August till November. Oh, yeah! We will be doing a lot of photography during their visit. Gotta update the family pics. No, I will not be wearing any wigs for pics. We will take photos with my bald head exposed; with my bald head covered with scarves and hats. Loving the scarf & hat thing very much. As long as I have earrings on and a little make-up, I'm good to go.
A little disappointed in my right arm where the clot has been. It's still more swollen than my left arm and it still gets that tight feeling because the blood flow is not where it should be, but apparently, this is normal. But, of course, I will be checked by my surgeon this next Thursday and I will address this issue with him and see what we come up with. I have no infections, which sometimes can occur when there have been medical procedures.
So for now, I'm doing well. My fatigue isn't as prevalant but I know when I need to take a nap or lie down for awhile. It's part of the routine now. I will be looking into getting assistance for cleaning my home probably once a week so it takes the pressure off Jim and I can truly relax knowing my home continues to be clean and disinfected. That's my pet peave -- gotta have a clean house -- then I'm relaxed.
I'm going to check out for now; want and need to go knit. It's my Zen! I send good, positive thoughts to all and I continue to move forward through my journey. I know you can tell through my writing that I'm in a better place than I was a week or so ago -- cuz I am! Yay! In with the air of life!
Still my cup's half full and continue to hold onto this with great gusto! Enjoy your lives to their fullest! Carpe Diem!
Ciao, Ciao
I've had the pleasure of having not one but 2 of my best friends in the world come and visit me this past week. My first bestest friend flew in for a long weekend. She had her work cut out for her while being here. I was proud of myself, because I allowed her to help me. One thing to remember through all this, I am doing really well, but the reality is, I get really tired. And the chemo fatigue is one that all should respect. If I don't listen to it, it kicks my butt big time. So when this would happen, my girly friend would step in and do her magic. She baked for me, massaged my hands and feet (glory be!), tucked me in for my naps, assisted me in the tub, and she tolerated whatever I dished back at her. She didn't even freak out when she saw my bald head for the first time. Oh, yeah, we cried together, of course, but it wasn't one of those moments I was dreading that someone would get that panicked look of "Oh, no, poor thing."
The best part was sharing the special moments. There were many. I am blessed like I've been saying throughout this blogging process. I am truly blessed. I know some may think that how can I think this cancer, once again, has turned out to be a blessing in disguise? Because there are so many other positives that have come out of it. I love that people are letting me know how they genuinely feel. It's about no regrets and having the opportunity to let those around us how we feel about each other and not be afraid of doing so. Love this part.
The other thing that occurred to me the other day was that I haven't given it any thought at all that I would be dying. Let me say this out loud on this blog forum that I have no plans of going anywhere. I am moving through the process the way I must at this point in my life. I will get on the other side of this. It wasn't until I had a rather deep discussion with one of my friends that anyone would be thinking that I could possibly die. Guess what everyone: I am living and I continue to live and I will be here just like a bad habit! This is not an unrealistic expectation for my circumstance. Yes, I have quite the road, but guess what? I'm still here and doing better everyday. EVERY DAY!!!!
Yes, I'm a very different person on many levels, but I'm also still Lynn. I still can drive everyone nuts at times; I still am very passionate about love & life; I love my dogs so very much and can't breathe without them being in my life; I still love cooking and my landscaping projects; I still love my family endlessly; I still have plans of travel around our great USA and abroad; I still AM!!!!
And guess what? The latest with my tumors: There is still serious Shrinkage happening! WWWHHHOOOAAAA! Oh, yes. My daughter and I were talking about how my left breast seems to be either dying or the chemo is discoloring the tissue underneath the skin surface. But there is some serious work going on. I feel it happening everyday. No, it doesn't hurt too much while it's doing it's thing, but there is some discomfort of sorts. I would be lying if I were saying it were a bed of roses, because it's not. But I most certainly don't lose sleep. Yes, there can be what I call "shooter pains" in that region of my breast, but I know it's dying or being critically wounded! Once again, there has to be some give and take on my part while I feel these pains. That's why I always and continue to believe to make sure to do something for myself to make me feel relief or free for a short period of time. Whether that means some sort of massage or floating in the bath tub -- at least that is what gives me relief. I also will meditate or go for that walk (whether it's short or not) so I can clear my brain. Just having that opportunity to feel normal for a while. It's like the greatest thing while it's happening. Oh, yes, and I pray constantly in my head/heart. That's just a given. This is not to say I'm always happy, cuz I'm not.
I have been experiencing some issues in public a couple times now.
I went out shopping with my friend. This sales person was obviously very uncomfortable with me -- not sure why, but she was--maybe cuz I had this lovely sunrash on my neck & part of my left cheek. Consequently, when I wanted or needed some assistance with some make-up products, she was compliant to get my products, but she would refer back to my friend. She didn't want to look at me or talk directly to me. Hello! I'm standing right here! I realized it was her own issues; my girlfriend kept on referring back to me and I would then talk directly back to the lady assisting us. I know, I should have said something but all I wanted was this product. The lady eventually lightened up with me, but then it happened: She brought up about her mom and how she ultimately died from cancer. I tried to be empathetic, but I was not embracing the gory details. But I stood there listening. She obviously felt the need to say this to me in order for her to get through her uncomfortable behaviour. Then out of the blue she says, "You're so sweet." And hugged me. So I hugged back. Phew! I'm learning daily. I can handle these isolated little events, but I hope this doesn't begin to be an issue whenever I go out. Perhaps, this is going to be one of those learning curves as I go out more and more into the public eye -- judgments. It's going to be up to me to not get defensive, but to embrace and not allow this to bother me. The more they see me, I think, the more people will become aware. Maybe I've stated this before -- please be sensitive to those who have cancer or any kind of illness that maybe it's really not appropriate to share such details about your loss of others. For me it's cool to share your lost someone, but please keep it to a minimum of how the cancer took them over and how they withered to bones and how they couldn't eat and blah, blah, blah. I can only speak for myself, but you don't always have to feel compelled to say anything. Maybe a kind word of, "I hope you are doing well" or "I love your hat" or "you have a great smile." I'm just saying or maybe I'm wishing.......Either way, it feels better for me to share this.
So I'm approaching my 3rd chemo treatment this next Thursday, May 19 @10:30am. Double-edged sword for me -- I look forward to seeing both my surgeon and oncologist to show the progress but I don't look forward to the next chemo treatment. All-in-all I have come out of each treatment pretty good -- yes, I have my skin issues and what have you, but the chemo so far has spared me somewhat. The reality is this: I will be halfway through this chemo regimen! Halfway through. My next goal is to finish this on July 21 without too much incident. After the chemo, I recooperate for a few weeks then I go into my next phase: Bi-lateral mastectomy. Yes, both breasts will be removed plus some lymph nodes under my left arm. The great news is my youngest daughter and her hubby will be visiting here from Italy in late August till November. Oh, yeah! We will be doing a lot of photography during their visit. Gotta update the family pics. No, I will not be wearing any wigs for pics. We will take photos with my bald head exposed; with my bald head covered with scarves and hats. Loving the scarf & hat thing very much. As long as I have earrings on and a little make-up, I'm good to go.
A little disappointed in my right arm where the clot has been. It's still more swollen than my left arm and it still gets that tight feeling because the blood flow is not where it should be, but apparently, this is normal. But, of course, I will be checked by my surgeon this next Thursday and I will address this issue with him and see what we come up with. I have no infections, which sometimes can occur when there have been medical procedures.
So for now, I'm doing well. My fatigue isn't as prevalant but I know when I need to take a nap or lie down for awhile. It's part of the routine now. I will be looking into getting assistance for cleaning my home probably once a week so it takes the pressure off Jim and I can truly relax knowing my home continues to be clean and disinfected. That's my pet peave -- gotta have a clean house -- then I'm relaxed.
I'm going to check out for now; want and need to go knit. It's my Zen! I send good, positive thoughts to all and I continue to move forward through my journey. I know you can tell through my writing that I'm in a better place than I was a week or so ago -- cuz I am! Yay! In with the air of life!
Still my cup's half full and continue to hold onto this with great gusto! Enjoy your lives to their fullest! Carpe Diem!
Ciao, Ciao
Friday, May 6, 2011
I have Chemo Brain
Hey there,
It's been exactly one week since Chemo #2. I have been wanting to write all my feelings -- and boy, howdy, there are a LOT of feelings coming out of me this week -- but honestly, I just haven't had it in me to do so till now. I'm just out of the bathtub (my oasis) and feel like I can sit here for a while, but if I can't I will cut this short and continue later.
Many are wondering (well, maybe wondering) how this 2nd chemo went since I have NO port. It was perfectly fine. Really good. The best part about this visit was I didn't have to have the Adrimyacin. Bless Dr. B and thank you Sara -- you know who you are.......
Since this now is my second time, I have a clearer picture or sneak preview as to how this chemo infiltrates my body. The first 3 days are pretty effortless. I can eat and relax just fine. I am very, very mindful as to my energy level. Now we are building on top of the first chemo. Not all the chemo leaves the body between treatments. My body happens to like it hanging around a bit. Sucks. But I'm not nauseated, etc.
The best way to explain my bodily functions is that my body feels very weighty -- sloggy -- like a sponge that has excess water in the process of seaping out of itself. So my legs feel heavy, my movement is slower, I walk with "plodding" rather than with the perky little gate I've always had. I also notice I walk with a "smoother" type gate so as not to jostle my body around. That's all I can figure out. It's not intentional, I think it's me trying to protect my body.
I cannot get over this weightiness. It's very overpowering. Then there's my brain -- ok, ok, I know, I know, that's already an iffy part of my body -- Talk to the hand and "whatever." LOL. But I now know what the heck Chemo Brain is. OMG, it's simply freakin frustrating. Once again, I feel foggy beyond words, I have no sense of concentration and it almost feels like I have blinders on around my eyes, because I'm very sensitive with regard to my perifery -- once again, the weightiness all over. The good news is I know the chemo is raging out-right war once again on my cancer.
I can feel it. I can feel this nuclear, gallactic war going on. I envision (for me -- my imagination really runs wild sometimes) that there are these little intergallactic spaceships that have been released into my body -- hang in there everyone -- and they are off doing their "heat-seeking mission" trying to conquer those clusters of cancer in my breast and anywhere else they may land. I visualize that it's like the star wars game or the space invaders game (from way back in the day) and they are firing off at any juncture they can to eliminate the cancer. Consequently, I have been feeling a lot of action going on in my breast. A lot of stuff. But it's paying off because my breast is doing it's shrinkage thing again!!! My boobie is in the process of deflating and it's feeling a lot looser in the area where the mass has been.
So there's the trade-off going on pretty much 24/7 these days. No escaping this. My ovaries -- both -- have been aching for the last 4 days. Really pisses me off and frustrates the heck out of me. I have been a complete and utter BEEE-OTCH to my family -- Poor Jim and I do mean POOR JIM. That poor man cannot win for anything. You may say, "just stop saying or doing what you are doing..." Easier said than done. I almost feel like my emotional stability has been hijacked by some invader -- it's the strangest thing. I have NEVER been moody and mean like this EVER. I mean EVER. This has been no less than horrifying.
I had the biggest cry session, of course, in the bath tub yesterday and Ashley walked in to witness this.
Of course, she was so wonderful and sweet and sensitive and held me while I cried endlessly. It seemed forever, but I could not stop and I kept on telling her, "I have NO idea why I am crying." But then I said the words, "I WANT MY LIFE BACK." No kidding? DUH? Well, I can wish all I want -- the fact of the matter is LIFE -- MY LIFE HAS CHANGED F O R E V E R!!!! Yes, it has. Then I got angry because of these freaking emotions completely out of control as they spooed out of me. The long and the short of it is, she helped me out of the tub, I got my self together somewhat, and she took me out to lunch. Once again, my protein/sugar levels were probably a little too low and I needed a change of atmosphere. But I battled the major fatigue. Oh, I don't wish this on anyone. It makes you feel like you are no good for the human race and that all you do is take up space. At least that's how I feel about it currently.
Get this, it was 96 degrees outside and I asked to go to a Vietnamese place I absolutely love so I could have their brothy soup. Oh, yeah, my body is way off currently. So we got there and our waiter was so sweet and so happy to see me -- he hasn't seen me in a couple months now. But he didn't treat me weird, which felt so nice. Got our food and I was humming away with glee. It hit the spot. It's so healing for me. The soup and white rice. DEE-LISH.
Ash did such a good job of talking about anything -- as long as I didn't have to talk about me. Frankly, I'm so sick of ME I can scream. Once again, I relish in conversation about anything else other than me. It's the same old thing right now: How ya doin? How ya feelin? Good day? Bad Day? Oh, yeah, I still have this cancer. That's the fact. Once good note as I have stated above, at least I feel the chemo is doing it's job.
Needless to say, I have a call into my Dr. B -- oncologist -- to discuss this obvious hormonal imbalance. But guess what? I cannot take hormones -- remember: fuel to the cancer? So I'm hoping there is something I can do holistically.
Oh, I haven't mentioned that for the last 3 days I've taken a walk with Woody. That helps briefly, but then I'm flat on my back again. But I must try to keep my body at a semi-regular routine. The docs want me to exercise, but I know I must listen better to my body. Yes, I've overdone it this week cuz my oldest friend is coming for a visit. She's going to take care of me a bit and hopefully, give Jim and Ash a well-deserved break. I've been wanting my house "just right." When they are away, I've been doing little jobs here and there in the house which under normal circumstances, we never have to think about -- we just do it? Well, I have to be careful - for every action there is a reaction? So true in my case. I keep on making mistakes and and I keep on learning from them; I'm just a stubborn person at times. Very willful. I want my independence. I'm learning, I'm learning -- slowly, I guess.
I have to share also that this week has also been filled with a lot of surprises coming through the mail or Fed Ex. I have received so many treasures this week from friends from all over the US and France! I have to admit, when they would arrive, I didn't open them immediately, because I have been so fatigued and not myself that I at least I had the presence of mind to stop, slow down and remember someone took the time to do this and send these treasures to me and I WILL honor this by being completely present for the opening of each and every one of these gifts. So that's what I did. I would wait a few hours or another day and when I was fresh and present I began to open all my different packages. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!!!!
Oh, yeah, I cried the ugly cry through all of these beautiful gifts. I kept on thinking: they all took time out of their busy schedules, they spent good hard-earned money, and then wrote me love notes...........
Here I go again............Oh, yeah, tears of joy. I shake my head and am deeply humbled beyond words. People say I'm amazing? No way! YOU all are amazing. Like I keep professing: I'm the luckiest person alive. And I still believe, even though I have cancer, and I wish I didn't, there are more POSITIVES that have and are still coming out of this disease. I believe this with my whole being. Blessings have been given to me; people show their love for me and my familly; relationships have been rekindled where I thought there was no hope for that ever; I have to be the richest person alive! I am humbled. And I'm very grateful.
Everyday, I wake up right now and hope my dear family and friends are all doing well in their lives. I pray a lot, meditate and think way too much, but there is going to be an end to this one day. I have to learn big time lessons and I know there is a reason for this journey -- and I will continue to find out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing about this. I am continuing to try to be strong and be smarter about my body and how I can give something back to someone. For now, all I can say once again: THANK YOU!
Please spread your wings and fly. Don't have the regrets that sometimes we do. Take that chance in your heart knowing you can do it.... whatever IT is. Don't let the dark thoughts win over. Instead of saying CAN'T, I suggest saying I'LL TRY. What's the worse thing that can happen? You get up and you start again. And you keep starting again till you're there.
That's what I'm trying. Thank you for loving me back. I am humbled.
Yes, my cup's half full!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!
It's been exactly one week since Chemo #2. I have been wanting to write all my feelings -- and boy, howdy, there are a LOT of feelings coming out of me this week -- but honestly, I just haven't had it in me to do so till now. I'm just out of the bathtub (my oasis) and feel like I can sit here for a while, but if I can't I will cut this short and continue later.
Many are wondering (well, maybe wondering) how this 2nd chemo went since I have NO port. It was perfectly fine. Really good. The best part about this visit was I didn't have to have the Adrimyacin. Bless Dr. B and thank you Sara -- you know who you are.......
Since this now is my second time, I have a clearer picture or sneak preview as to how this chemo infiltrates my body. The first 3 days are pretty effortless. I can eat and relax just fine. I am very, very mindful as to my energy level. Now we are building on top of the first chemo. Not all the chemo leaves the body between treatments. My body happens to like it hanging around a bit. Sucks. But I'm not nauseated, etc.
The best way to explain my bodily functions is that my body feels very weighty -- sloggy -- like a sponge that has excess water in the process of seaping out of itself. So my legs feel heavy, my movement is slower, I walk with "plodding" rather than with the perky little gate I've always had. I also notice I walk with a "smoother" type gate so as not to jostle my body around. That's all I can figure out. It's not intentional, I think it's me trying to protect my body.
I cannot get over this weightiness. It's very overpowering. Then there's my brain -- ok, ok, I know, I know, that's already an iffy part of my body -- Talk to the hand and "whatever." LOL. But I now know what the heck Chemo Brain is. OMG, it's simply freakin frustrating. Once again, I feel foggy beyond words, I have no sense of concentration and it almost feels like I have blinders on around my eyes, because I'm very sensitive with regard to my perifery -- once again, the weightiness all over. The good news is I know the chemo is raging out-right war once again on my cancer.
I can feel it. I can feel this nuclear, gallactic war going on. I envision (for me -- my imagination really runs wild sometimes) that there are these little intergallactic spaceships that have been released into my body -- hang in there everyone -- and they are off doing their "heat-seeking mission" trying to conquer those clusters of cancer in my breast and anywhere else they may land. I visualize that it's like the star wars game or the space invaders game (from way back in the day) and they are firing off at any juncture they can to eliminate the cancer. Consequently, I have been feeling a lot of action going on in my breast. A lot of stuff. But it's paying off because my breast is doing it's shrinkage thing again!!! My boobie is in the process of deflating and it's feeling a lot looser in the area where the mass has been.
So there's the trade-off going on pretty much 24/7 these days. No escaping this. My ovaries -- both -- have been aching for the last 4 days. Really pisses me off and frustrates the heck out of me. I have been a complete and utter BEEE-OTCH to my family -- Poor Jim and I do mean POOR JIM. That poor man cannot win for anything. You may say, "just stop saying or doing what you are doing..." Easier said than done. I almost feel like my emotional stability has been hijacked by some invader -- it's the strangest thing. I have NEVER been moody and mean like this EVER. I mean EVER. This has been no less than horrifying.
I had the biggest cry session, of course, in the bath tub yesterday and Ashley walked in to witness this.
Of course, she was so wonderful and sweet and sensitive and held me while I cried endlessly. It seemed forever, but I could not stop and I kept on telling her, "I have NO idea why I am crying." But then I said the words, "I WANT MY LIFE BACK." No kidding? DUH? Well, I can wish all I want -- the fact of the matter is LIFE -- MY LIFE HAS CHANGED F O R E V E R!!!! Yes, it has. Then I got angry because of these freaking emotions completely out of control as they spooed out of me. The long and the short of it is, she helped me out of the tub, I got my self together somewhat, and she took me out to lunch. Once again, my protein/sugar levels were probably a little too low and I needed a change of atmosphere. But I battled the major fatigue. Oh, I don't wish this on anyone. It makes you feel like you are no good for the human race and that all you do is take up space. At least that's how I feel about it currently.
Get this, it was 96 degrees outside and I asked to go to a Vietnamese place I absolutely love so I could have their brothy soup. Oh, yeah, my body is way off currently. So we got there and our waiter was so sweet and so happy to see me -- he hasn't seen me in a couple months now. But he didn't treat me weird, which felt so nice. Got our food and I was humming away with glee. It hit the spot. It's so healing for me. The soup and white rice. DEE-LISH.
Ash did such a good job of talking about anything -- as long as I didn't have to talk about me. Frankly, I'm so sick of ME I can scream. Once again, I relish in conversation about anything else other than me. It's the same old thing right now: How ya doin? How ya feelin? Good day? Bad Day? Oh, yeah, I still have this cancer. That's the fact. Once good note as I have stated above, at least I feel the chemo is doing it's job.
Needless to say, I have a call into my Dr. B -- oncologist -- to discuss this obvious hormonal imbalance. But guess what? I cannot take hormones -- remember: fuel to the cancer? So I'm hoping there is something I can do holistically.
Oh, I haven't mentioned that for the last 3 days I've taken a walk with Woody. That helps briefly, but then I'm flat on my back again. But I must try to keep my body at a semi-regular routine. The docs want me to exercise, but I know I must listen better to my body. Yes, I've overdone it this week cuz my oldest friend is coming for a visit. She's going to take care of me a bit and hopefully, give Jim and Ash a well-deserved break. I've been wanting my house "just right." When they are away, I've been doing little jobs here and there in the house which under normal circumstances, we never have to think about -- we just do it? Well, I have to be careful - for every action there is a reaction? So true in my case. I keep on making mistakes and and I keep on learning from them; I'm just a stubborn person at times. Very willful. I want my independence. I'm learning, I'm learning -- slowly, I guess.
I have to share also that this week has also been filled with a lot of surprises coming through the mail or Fed Ex. I have received so many treasures this week from friends from all over the US and France! I have to admit, when they would arrive, I didn't open them immediately, because I have been so fatigued and not myself that I at least I had the presence of mind to stop, slow down and remember someone took the time to do this and send these treasures to me and I WILL honor this by being completely present for the opening of each and every one of these gifts. So that's what I did. I would wait a few hours or another day and when I was fresh and present I began to open all my different packages. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!!!!
Oh, yeah, I cried the ugly cry through all of these beautiful gifts. I kept on thinking: they all took time out of their busy schedules, they spent good hard-earned money, and then wrote me love notes...........
Here I go again............Oh, yeah, tears of joy. I shake my head and am deeply humbled beyond words. People say I'm amazing? No way! YOU all are amazing. Like I keep professing: I'm the luckiest person alive. And I still believe, even though I have cancer, and I wish I didn't, there are more POSITIVES that have and are still coming out of this disease. I believe this with my whole being. Blessings have been given to me; people show their love for me and my familly; relationships have been rekindled where I thought there was no hope for that ever; I have to be the richest person alive! I am humbled. And I'm very grateful.
Everyday, I wake up right now and hope my dear family and friends are all doing well in their lives. I pray a lot, meditate and think way too much, but there is going to be an end to this one day. I have to learn big time lessons and I know there is a reason for this journey -- and I will continue to find out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing about this. I am continuing to try to be strong and be smarter about my body and how I can give something back to someone. For now, all I can say once again: THANK YOU!
Please spread your wings and fly. Don't have the regrets that sometimes we do. Take that chance in your heart knowing you can do it.... whatever IT is. Don't let the dark thoughts win over. Instead of saying CAN'T, I suggest saying I'LL TRY. What's the worse thing that can happen? You get up and you start again. And you keep starting again till you're there.
That's what I'm trying. Thank you for loving me back. I am humbled.
Yes, my cup's half full!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Update - Saturday, April 30
Not much to report other than so far so good. The first night after my 2nd treatment, I felt so full of chemo. I just felt full. Had a light dinner and all went well. They give me an anti-nausea injection into my IV before I leave so it stays in my system 4 days. It's a wonderful thing. The worse part of the prep for chemo is taking that Dexamethasone drug that is the anti-inflammatory/steroid. Well, this time I felt pretty aggressive with my personality and attitude. Wow. Not a good thing. I had to be very, very congnisant about sharing my opinion on anything. Not a good side to me at all. I take it the day before chemo, day of and day after. So today I am free from this drug till my next treatment. The drug will stay in my system for a couple more days obviously, but at least I should see it diminish out of my body soon. This drug is to prevent me from having an allergic reaction to my Taxorere chemo drug. You see, I'm only on 2 chemo drugs now. They took me off the Adrimyacin. So glad about that one. That was the most toxic chemo of all. What a reprieve. My doc/nurse also told me my side effects my even be less than the first go around which was pretty minor by comparison to what it could have been. So wish me luck with this one.
But I feel really good. I'm listening much closer to my body's needs. I drink fluids till I'm floating along. I do go to the bathroom a lot but it's worth it as long as I don't get dehydrated. I don't want another passing out episode like 3 weeks ago. My appetite is fine and I keep clean, healthy foods in me at all times. That is a very important part of all of this. Eat the best and the most bang for your food. Your body MUST be nourished. At least I feel it very clearly. My body really dictates to me what it wants. I mostly feel like I want protein and some carbs, but I keep up those vegies big time. Funny thing, I don't always want a salad, I want other things, so I indulge that way. Now, I'm not over stuffing myself. My portions are small. Really small, but I have to eat every 2 hours. It's what I need. If I don't, I get very lethargic and loopy, so I must pay attention.
I'm better with the resting part. That's yet another component to all this. Rest. Don't fight it. I really pay attention because if I don't, my color is washed out and I get weak. No fun. I don't like that feeling. I have better things I need to do. It also has affected my brain thought process. Some of the things I come up with are humorous to say the least, but I definitely have the chemo brain action going on periodically. I don't get too upset because I know this will be temporary.
As you probably already know my right arm clot is improving daily -- THANK GOD!! I can use it more without having to elevate. But I still ice periodically. Ice is my friend.
I never really share too much about my dogs, but I think I'll share a bit right now. My guys, Woody, who is my chocolate lab of 3 years and Chewy, my Morkie of 2.5 years are my bright rays of light. I cannot imagine NOT having my pals around me. They keep it in perspective for me. All they want to do is love me and Jim and whoever else is around. Although, Chewy can drive you to the brink with his barking explosions periodically since he is part Yorkie. Dear Gawd, my nerve endings go through the roof when he thinks the world is caving in around him for whatever reason. If I can catch him in time to stop the action with a little squirt gun I have, then it's ok. But a lot of that is wasted because he jets off so quickly, I don't get a chance at all to stop that action. But God love the little twirp, he comes back and settles in nicely and can be very good for hours on end without this explosions.
Woody, is my athletic guy and keeps the yard under his control. But he is my love of all loves. What a good boy he is. I take him for his walks into the field across the street from our home and let him run his heart out. He loves chasing all those cotton tails out there. He even goes after the ravens out there as well. By the end his tongue is hanging low and puffing away and I know it's then that I can call him back and he's very amiable to the prospect of it's time to head back. I don't take my long walks presently just because of what my arm has been going through, so I hope to be back to my regular walks pretty soon. I have the go ahead from the doc to go back to the gym and have some reasonable fun. No I'm not going to be trying to pump the heck out of weights, but I will work up to some good sweats, I'm sure. It's important to maintain a good exercise routine as much as possible. It helps with the fatigue and overall circulation and well-being for this fight with cancer. Oops, there's that word again.
So Jim if off having his time to recharge and recoop from all and I'm so happy he is doing this for himself. It's important that your partner, love, hubby, whoever is caring for you to have their time away so they can come back and deal with whatever may be thrown their way. He is trying so hard and doing so well with me and making my life that much easier to deal with because of his srength and labors of love. My daughter, Ash, stays on Thursdays and Fridays so this can happen. She, too, is dealing with her own health issues, and she has it in herself to help me out so much. Now, if that isn't devoted love, I don't know what else one can call it. My other daughter, Amy, is in Brussels, Belgium, so it's difficult for her to be here, but we Skype several times a week now and she will be here beginning the end of August through November, with her hubby, Loreto. So I'm overjoyed that we will have the time together soon. And, my Amy, will whip this place into shape big time upon her arrival! LOL!!! She's quite the chef now and I can't wait for some of her Italian original recipes. Yummo. She knows what I love. So all in all my world is pretty great. I have a lot of love from all of you too! If it weren't for the good words of encouragement and cards and care packages, I don't think I would have such a sense of calm and serenity that I do. It's really true. I just love all the words. It means everything to me.
When I'm out in public here now, people are asking how is my health doing? They are actually asking. Isn't that cool? I love it. Because that means people care. That's a big deal when you think about it. Because we don't have to acknowledge anything we don't want to. We go out, do our thing, get in our cars, think about whatever it is we need to be doing and go do it. But do we pay attention to what is happening around us for the most part? I think people are beginning to recheck themselves somewhat. Way cool and my hats off to that. However, it's not my intention to go out and think: SEE ME! SEE ME. That's not my thing, but it's lovely to see the genuine eye-contact sometimes I receive. The sincere look they give me into my eyes. That SMILE that can carry me the rest of my day. I mean before this, I smiled at people for no apparent reason except to show that I know they are there and that I hope their day is a better one, because I do know that a simple SMILE can sustain you with a lighter feeling inside your heart for awhile. But when it's happening to me now, I can't thank those individuals enough because for that moment it takes away the feeling of the fact I carry this INTRUDER in my body with me at all times -- 24/7 and I don't want it here anymore. And I know it's going to take time to get it out of me, but I still want it out of me. I want it out now. So that acknowlegement of a smile or a Hello helps me to reconfirm that I'm not DEFINED by this cancer. I'm still me. I have a life to live just like everyone else. I have goals, I have a brain (kind of), I have other things to offer to this world. I'm not wanting to be stagnant. Wow, one wouldn't necessarily think just from a smile it could make a person think of all these things, but it does when you have this kind of time to think. But I do feel it sincerely.
Ok. I think I've gotten heady enough for one day, but I obviously felt the need to get it out of me once again. It does help through this process.
I have the luxury to listen to my birds outside my back door and also listen to my beautiful windchimes I have strategically set out in several areas of my backyard. I get such joy from this. These birds down here in So. Cal in my backyard are fabulous to listen to. I can honestly say, I never ever get tired of listening to them. It's pretty Zen-like for me. Quite the nature's choir.
With that, my Cup's way more than half full right now. I'm the lucky one. Till later, I will send you all love back to you and Thank you again for caring and sending me all your love, support, prayers and positive healings. It's working! I'm living proof! And I plan to keep on proving it all the way to the other side of this!
Ciao, Ciao!
But I feel really good. I'm listening much closer to my body's needs. I drink fluids till I'm floating along. I do go to the bathroom a lot but it's worth it as long as I don't get dehydrated. I don't want another passing out episode like 3 weeks ago. My appetite is fine and I keep clean, healthy foods in me at all times. That is a very important part of all of this. Eat the best and the most bang for your food. Your body MUST be nourished. At least I feel it very clearly. My body really dictates to me what it wants. I mostly feel like I want protein and some carbs, but I keep up those vegies big time. Funny thing, I don't always want a salad, I want other things, so I indulge that way. Now, I'm not over stuffing myself. My portions are small. Really small, but I have to eat every 2 hours. It's what I need. If I don't, I get very lethargic and loopy, so I must pay attention.
I'm better with the resting part. That's yet another component to all this. Rest. Don't fight it. I really pay attention because if I don't, my color is washed out and I get weak. No fun. I don't like that feeling. I have better things I need to do. It also has affected my brain thought process. Some of the things I come up with are humorous to say the least, but I definitely have the chemo brain action going on periodically. I don't get too upset because I know this will be temporary.
As you probably already know my right arm clot is improving daily -- THANK GOD!! I can use it more without having to elevate. But I still ice periodically. Ice is my friend.
I never really share too much about my dogs, but I think I'll share a bit right now. My guys, Woody, who is my chocolate lab of 3 years and Chewy, my Morkie of 2.5 years are my bright rays of light. I cannot imagine NOT having my pals around me. They keep it in perspective for me. All they want to do is love me and Jim and whoever else is around. Although, Chewy can drive you to the brink with his barking explosions periodically since he is part Yorkie. Dear Gawd, my nerve endings go through the roof when he thinks the world is caving in around him for whatever reason. If I can catch him in time to stop the action with a little squirt gun I have, then it's ok. But a lot of that is wasted because he jets off so quickly, I don't get a chance at all to stop that action. But God love the little twirp, he comes back and settles in nicely and can be very good for hours on end without this explosions.
Woody, is my athletic guy and keeps the yard under his control. But he is my love of all loves. What a good boy he is. I take him for his walks into the field across the street from our home and let him run his heart out. He loves chasing all those cotton tails out there. He even goes after the ravens out there as well. By the end his tongue is hanging low and puffing away and I know it's then that I can call him back and he's very amiable to the prospect of it's time to head back. I don't take my long walks presently just because of what my arm has been going through, so I hope to be back to my regular walks pretty soon. I have the go ahead from the doc to go back to the gym and have some reasonable fun. No I'm not going to be trying to pump the heck out of weights, but I will work up to some good sweats, I'm sure. It's important to maintain a good exercise routine as much as possible. It helps with the fatigue and overall circulation and well-being for this fight with cancer. Oops, there's that word again.
So Jim if off having his time to recharge and recoop from all and I'm so happy he is doing this for himself. It's important that your partner, love, hubby, whoever is caring for you to have their time away so they can come back and deal with whatever may be thrown their way. He is trying so hard and doing so well with me and making my life that much easier to deal with because of his srength and labors of love. My daughter, Ash, stays on Thursdays and Fridays so this can happen. She, too, is dealing with her own health issues, and she has it in herself to help me out so much. Now, if that isn't devoted love, I don't know what else one can call it. My other daughter, Amy, is in Brussels, Belgium, so it's difficult for her to be here, but we Skype several times a week now and she will be here beginning the end of August through November, with her hubby, Loreto. So I'm overjoyed that we will have the time together soon. And, my Amy, will whip this place into shape big time upon her arrival! LOL!!! She's quite the chef now and I can't wait for some of her Italian original recipes. Yummo. She knows what I love. So all in all my world is pretty great. I have a lot of love from all of you too! If it weren't for the good words of encouragement and cards and care packages, I don't think I would have such a sense of calm and serenity that I do. It's really true. I just love all the words. It means everything to me.
When I'm out in public here now, people are asking how is my health doing? They are actually asking. Isn't that cool? I love it. Because that means people care. That's a big deal when you think about it. Because we don't have to acknowledge anything we don't want to. We go out, do our thing, get in our cars, think about whatever it is we need to be doing and go do it. But do we pay attention to what is happening around us for the most part? I think people are beginning to recheck themselves somewhat. Way cool and my hats off to that. However, it's not my intention to go out and think: SEE ME! SEE ME. That's not my thing, but it's lovely to see the genuine eye-contact sometimes I receive. The sincere look they give me into my eyes. That SMILE that can carry me the rest of my day. I mean before this, I smiled at people for no apparent reason except to show that I know they are there and that I hope their day is a better one, because I do know that a simple SMILE can sustain you with a lighter feeling inside your heart for awhile. But when it's happening to me now, I can't thank those individuals enough because for that moment it takes away the feeling of the fact I carry this INTRUDER in my body with me at all times -- 24/7 and I don't want it here anymore. And I know it's going to take time to get it out of me, but I still want it out of me. I want it out now. So that acknowlegement of a smile or a Hello helps me to reconfirm that I'm not DEFINED by this cancer. I'm still me. I have a life to live just like everyone else. I have goals, I have a brain (kind of), I have other things to offer to this world. I'm not wanting to be stagnant. Wow, one wouldn't necessarily think just from a smile it could make a person think of all these things, but it does when you have this kind of time to think. But I do feel it sincerely.
Ok. I think I've gotten heady enough for one day, but I obviously felt the need to get it out of me once again. It does help through this process.
I have the luxury to listen to my birds outside my back door and also listen to my beautiful windchimes I have strategically set out in several areas of my backyard. I get such joy from this. These birds down here in So. Cal in my backyard are fabulous to listen to. I can honestly say, I never ever get tired of listening to them. It's pretty Zen-like for me. Quite the nature's choir.
With that, my Cup's way more than half full right now. I'm the lucky one. Till later, I will send you all love back to you and Thank you again for caring and sending me all your love, support, prayers and positive healings. It's working! I'm living proof! And I plan to keep on proving it all the way to the other side of this!
Ciao, Ciao!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
GREAT FREAKIN NEWS TO SHARE
I'm presently at mt chemo session, but mt daughter gave me her laptop to use while here.
My doc, Dr B examined me and to his sheer delight told me th e greatest of news: My tumor in my left armpit (axillary) is GONE!!!! THAT 5 CM TUMOR IS GONE! ARE YOU FEELING MY JUBILATION? I'm sitting there smiling to the point of aching in my face. You see I couldnt find it the other day and I thought it was me being too hopeful. And now he verified this that I ended up grabbing him and CLUTCHING into him with the biggest LYNN HUG of his life! My breast is still large but there is reduction as well so thats great as well. So because of this fact I don't have Adrimycin in my chemo treatment today. I love his creative mind and flexibility! because he's paying attention to my body and the fact what will ultimately happen down the road when I have my bi-lateral mastectomy and then the radiation.
I am writing with my right arm presently very slowly while I have my chemo treatment coming to an end within the next 10 minutes or so. I have to say it's been an easy-peasy event today. I was told my side effects will be fewer!! How great is that? Now, I can get somewhat of a reprieve of sorts. I've also been told I get to go back to working out at the gym!!! I need it so badly! I want to have a good sweat & get my heart rate up to continue forward strengthening.
So that's all I have to share for now. Once again, thank you for all the continued prayers, good thoughts & energy! I know it's helping me. Hey, I'm living proof! It doesn't get that much more real;doesn't it?
Big time Cup's Half Full today! eeeeeehhhhhaaaaa!
and if I break out with zits again I guess its worth it considering I'm getting these kinds of results!
Blessings!
Ciao Ciao
My doc, Dr B examined me and to his sheer delight told me th e greatest of news: My tumor in my left armpit (axillary) is GONE!!!! THAT 5 CM TUMOR IS GONE! ARE YOU FEELING MY JUBILATION? I'm sitting there smiling to the point of aching in my face. You see I couldnt find it the other day and I thought it was me being too hopeful. And now he verified this that I ended up grabbing him and CLUTCHING into him with the biggest LYNN HUG of his life! My breast is still large but there is reduction as well so thats great as well. So because of this fact I don't have Adrimycin in my chemo treatment today. I love his creative mind and flexibility! because he's paying attention to my body and the fact what will ultimately happen down the road when I have my bi-lateral mastectomy and then the radiation.
I am writing with my right arm presently very slowly while I have my chemo treatment coming to an end within the next 10 minutes or so. I have to say it's been an easy-peasy event today. I was told my side effects will be fewer!! How great is that? Now, I can get somewhat of a reprieve of sorts. I've also been told I get to go back to working out at the gym!!! I need it so badly! I want to have a good sweat & get my heart rate up to continue forward strengthening.
So that's all I have to share for now. Once again, thank you for all the continued prayers, good thoughts & energy! I know it's helping me. Hey, I'm living proof! It doesn't get that much more real;doesn't it?
Big time Cup's Half Full today! eeeeeehhhhhaaaaa!
and if I break out with zits again I guess its worth it considering I'm getting these kinds of results!
Blessings!
Ciao Ciao
Treatment 2 soon to begin
It's been a few days since I've had the desire or the time to write. Many things have happened in the last few days. I guess the most obvious one is I stepped across the threshold and had my chair completely chopped off. We waited till after our dinner to begin this process. Sanny wanted me to feel ready and willing to be able to sit down and begin to unveil the new Lynn. He's a very wise man! He knows me way too well. It's so strange to go through these motions. I was rather ambivalent. Yes, I care but at the same time, it's just flipping hair. And, my hair has been feeling dead on my head. Everytime I would pass my fingers through my hair, I would get clumps of hair. The funny thing was I didn't have any bald spots. It was distributed pretty evenly. I did notice on Sunday afternoon that I had the receeding hairline going on in the center of my part area. But, I sure do have a lot of hair. I'm one of the lucky ones.
So we began. We gathered in my master bathroom where the light was really good. Got my chair to sit in and we all began to watch the "unveiling" process. Here were the cast of characters: Jim (hubby), Ashley (oldest daughter), Patrick (Ash's honey), Thomas (Chef extraordinare and dear Friend), Amy (my youngest daughter and son-in-law, Loreto, via SKYPE from ROME) and last but certainly not least, Sanford (couture dejour -- and dear Friend-brother ). He took the first few cuts to get the bulk off my head. Everytime he combed my would-be hair, it clumped and tangled because it was dead. I truly felt as thought I had a mop on my head. Lifeless hair-- so weird. By the way, Ashley was filming the majority of this process and I will be trying to post this on here and if not here on YouTube. Will keep you all posted on that.
As he cut my hair, we saw different styles. Oh, yeah, he gave me a mullet -- just as a reminder of what USED TO BE in our years gone by. I was called a mullet head by a FORMER boyfriend of Ash's. It was pretty funny of that interpretation by this young man, but I guess in retrospect, it was similar to one -- I was trying to grow my hair out at the time. Either way, all of us had a good laugh. Then, we stopped for a bit so I could see myself at this stage. This was the moment I started to fall apart. I was ready, but the reality hit me. Jim was quick to be there and give me a chance to gather myself up. Once I finished the blubbering, I was much stronger and told them I was ready to get this going on. So off Sanford clipped away. We went to the next style which was considerably shorter. The funny was and I agree with their opinion on this one: as I got my hair cut shorter, I started to look younger. I mean considerably younger. So strange. I guess because there was no distraction with the hair -- not in the way of my face. At one point, I found myself looking like a little kid --- boy-like when I was a kid. NO, I hadn't been drinking! No, this isn't wishful thinking -- it just made me look that way. Mind you there are cameras clicking away and being videoed.
That's one of the biggest changes I've seen in myself. I am allowing this right of passage to be filmed. I'm opening up like I've never opened up before. I'm wanting to share it this way because oddly enough I do believe this can take the mystery out of this process for some who might be entering into this process. And, we as women, have been put into their categories which dictates what femininity is or is not. Supposedly, we have strength in our hair. I have to laugh at that. I feel stronger without it surprisingly so! Either way, I want to take the mystery and the FEAR out of this process. My tape is rather raw at times with the conversations we are sharing among each other. There is senses of humor going on to lighten the situation for me. There was nervous laughter at times from me as well as others in the room. Everyone had their different comfort levels that you will notice. There are good moments, sad moments, happy moments, supportive moments, freaky moments -- that's what makes this so real. It's going to come to you unedited. I want this completely honest from MY perspective. And that's what this is. For ME, this is what I needed to go through. I do not suggest at all that this would work for others; but at least it's there to see and hopefully, gleen some insight into what people can go through. It's an easy process overall, but emotionally, I don't believe it ruins a person. I say this because we are stronger than hair; I am not defined by this disease. And if I need to lose my hair to gain my life back, then so be it. HAIR GROWS BACK. And I'm not going to waste anymore time mourning my hair.
When we got to the final stages of chopping my hair off on the sides and leaving a butch haircut on top (which I did not like the look at all) we took a break. Had to -- just needed to take one more really big cleansing breath to do the final cuts. We took more pics; laughed a lot at this look -- no not my cup of tea to say the least. Then Sanny said, "Let's do it now and take the rest off; what do you think?" I nodded in the affirmative (yes) and said, "Let's do it already." And he did as I commanded. He got the shaving shears and turned that puppy on and took my hair down ultimately to about 1/8 inch around my head. Had to clean it up so there were no stragglers hanging around. But it was done. It felt so weird because my hair folicles were in a pattern around my head and lay in that pattern. A bit on the sensitive side. Doesn't hurt at all -- just sensitive when I ran my hand across my head. It felt so different. We talked about the fact that I would need to wash this and put a good conditioner on my scalp. I have psoriasis in my scalp area but happily no lesions or anything that is gross. I had big time fear that I was going to have disgusting red and seepy patches all over my scalp. But I don't! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I know inquiring minds want to know: what's the shape of my head. I'm happy to report I have a very nice and proportional head. It's so nice and shapely and my ears are perfectly proportioned to my head. Wow, I got a break on this one! THANK YOU GOD! But more importantly, Thank you Mom and Dad for creating me.
The conversation stopped and we just observed my cranium. From my perspective, I didn't expect to get the reactions I did from the gallery that was present. This inlcuded my daughter, Amy, who was on SKYPE. Loreto is a photographer and he was going on about the artistic side of my head. I was so surprised how happy everyone was for me. They got to the point of gushing about me. Kept on telling my my eyes and cheekbones pop out; how young I look; that I'm hot (that came from Jim big time!). About that time they all said,"Ok, maybe we need to give Lynn and Jim some private time." LOL! No, it didn't happen. Then they wanted to know my opinion: well, since I was the recipient, I was still processing this. Yes, my brain was clicking away it's movie of the look and I was staring and smiling. I have to say, this is what you get. I cannot hide myself under my hair. This is me. This is the new Lynn. I guess this is my right of passage. I thought when I turned 50 years old that that was the right of passage. No, I would say shaving your head is a right of passage big time. Suddenly, I was thinking about my make-up, big bangly earrings, scarves and hats. And NO WAY do I want to cover my head with a wig -- at least not at this time. I think that would be so fake for me. I feel that I want the GENUINE Lynn to be seen for who and what I am. And it doesn't get much more up in front like this. I'm not doing this for shock purposes, but this is for me. Please see me for who I really am. You can judge me; go right ahead. Assume what you want or must. Bottom line for me: I frankly do give a crap what you think. I feel pretty darned happy and liberated by this. It's not what I expected myself to feel. But I do feel FREE; I mean REALLY FREE. I'm tickled that I don't have to deal with the dead hair on my head. I'm thinking about all the money I'm saving not coloring or cutting presently; the hair care products are a savings as well. Yes, this is temporary. When I'm finished with chemo and then with radiation, my hair will come back. And then it's really going to get interesting. What and how will it come back as? GREY? Curly? STRAIGHT? From what I see now, I have salt and pepper hair around the front. Well, if I like it, I may keep it that way. This would be, in my opinion, the time to allow this to stay when it's coming back fresh and new. I don't want to look the way I used to. Considering what I'm going through, I can never be the same. I am not the same. I will never be the same again. There are lessons I'm learning daily. I must pay attention to them. Once again, this is MY journey. And I have to say again, there are more blessings that have come out of this horror than there negatives. I will get to the other side of this disease and come back even stronger. My insecurities are fading away quickly. And I don't know why. But they are. What a good sense of self and what a good sense of relief. I don't carry many burdens in my heart the way I was. I'm more grateful than anything.
Since the hair shave, I've been out in the public a few times. The first one was to take Woody, my dog, on his morning walk. Now, remember I'm still recovering from the port removal, so my right arm is still needing to be taken care of and elevated, etc, but I am seeing improvement; and as my doc pointed out to me day before yesterday, my body was really compromised by this clot, so it's going to take a while, but it will recover. So anyway, my walk was short, but I watched a video from YouTube about how to wrap my head with a scarf. Got some great ideas from a couple women and tried my version. I wrapped my head up and to my surprise, it stayed on my head! I did a great job. I look rather exotic. I even put some large earrings on and took off with my dog for his walk in the field. I noticed I walked very straight and tall. Not cocky, just taller. Felt good. We did out thing and came back to the house. I took my scarf off and I let my head breathe. It was a warm day out but I stayed in the house to avoid any sun rays that could burn my head and I needed to rest anyway. I like it with my head exposed. But I will place sunscreen on my head. The skin is very sensitive. Later on in the day, Jim took me to lunch to a beautiful winery called Calloway. What a gorgeous lunch and it felt so good to be among the living! I changed my scarf to a silk scarf and made a twisted rosette to the side of my head. It turned out way cute. I can't believe how much fun I'm having twisting the scarves into different designs. It's so easy and fun. At the restaurant, I was treated just like everyone else: with respect and dignity which is the way it should be. But you can't help feel a little self-conscious. For the most part no one really cared; I did notice a couple double-takes. But I would do that too. It didn't bother me in the least. And if anyone decides to ask questions, I'm completely comfortable in answering any and or all their questions within reason. I also had to do some grocery shopping and that when very well.
Today Ashley and Sanford and I hung out in Encinitas. I had no idea what a cool coastal town it is. So great and very earthy So. Cal style. We had a blast. WE went to a knittery store called The Black Sheep. Talk about over the top yarns! Oh, yeah, I had to buy more stash. GORGEOUS. It made me sweat I got so thrilled out of my brains! For those of you who don't know me, I love, love, love to knit and crochet. It's my ZEN!!!! I don't think I can ever have enough of the organic yarns and gorgeous colors. I don't buy all organics, but I love the unusual. I love the textures and I try to figure out who would love this particular yarn either in a scarf or socks, or fingerless gloves (I'm still needing help) but that's ok. I try. I love my time with knitting. I also like to felt hand bags. I have to say I have created some gorgeous bags, but they do take a bit of money and they take time. But they are addicting. I'm about due again to knit a bag up. But been waiting for my arm to improve so I can. It'll take some time and I will be back in the saddle again.
Needless, to say, I will be back to that knitting shop. Love, love, love it! Gotta go if you are there.
Ok. Wondering why I'm writing at almost 3am in the morning? Well, I have Chemo today @ 10:30am down at my Scripp's Medical Center with my oncologist, Dr. Bernstein. Love this man. And I love Regan more! My nurse. Anyway, I was corrected by the doc and he told me I take the Dexamethazone for the Taxere chemo drug i take to avoid allergic reactions to that particular chemo. I stand corrected. I thought it was for the Adrimiacin. Now, last time he and I talked he was going to removed that drug out of the equation, but since that conversation he has changed his mind. He will examine me to see how far down the tumors from come down; he will then make changes to the drug as needed. So I still may get the Adrimiacin yet. (CRAP) that one is a mean drug. I broke out big time, diarrhea ville, loss of hair, fatigue and a change up in my taste buds somewhat. Not to bad there. So we'll see what happens. The will draw my blood and check my blood panel such as white and red blood cells, hemoglobin, liver, etc. I hope I'm doing well. I feel pretty darned good. But we'll see. I'm am caustiously optomistic. Cannot be glib about chemo. So after this treatment, I will have 4 more treatments! YEAH.
We leave here around 9am cuz I have an appointment with my surgeon for post-op to see how I'm healing and discuss a couple other items. I have been eating well so I have not dropped anymore weight. I now way 152 lbs. (down 13 lbs. total) I have been told that I need some fighting weight still. But my clothes are fitting great and no big muffin tops are around! Yippee Skippee. I defninitely feel better about being in my clothes.
Will keep you all posted as to how the treatment goes this time. Not going to bring my knitting this time because I have to rest my arm. but there is plenty for me to do. I will pack some food to munch on while I hang around. The procedure should take about 2 hrs if all goes well into my veins and I don't suspect any issues to arise.
I continue to ask for as many prayers, good energy and good thoughts as possible. I do feel each and everyone of them. I can't thank you enough.
I'll be in touch in the next couple days. This weekend is going to be a good one and that's what i'm gearing up for.
Take care and I send big hugs and kisses out to all.
Yes, I'm doing ok. I'm ready again. And I can't wait to hear from the doc that he's happy my tumors are responding so well. My surgeon couldn't believe when he felt my tumors how small they are now. He kept on saying, "Wonderful, Lynn; this is simply wonderful." See, miracles happen and I know partly it's because of all the positvity and prayers!!!! There is power big time in prayers.
So with that, yes, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
So we began. We gathered in my master bathroom where the light was really good. Got my chair to sit in and we all began to watch the "unveiling" process. Here were the cast of characters: Jim (hubby), Ashley (oldest daughter), Patrick (Ash's honey), Thomas (Chef extraordinare and dear Friend), Amy (my youngest daughter and son-in-law, Loreto, via SKYPE from ROME) and last but certainly not least, Sanford (couture dejour -- and dear Friend-brother ). He took the first few cuts to get the bulk off my head. Everytime he combed my would-be hair, it clumped and tangled because it was dead. I truly felt as thought I had a mop on my head. Lifeless hair-- so weird. By the way, Ashley was filming the majority of this process and I will be trying to post this on here and if not here on YouTube. Will keep you all posted on that.
As he cut my hair, we saw different styles. Oh, yeah, he gave me a mullet -- just as a reminder of what USED TO BE in our years gone by. I was called a mullet head by a FORMER boyfriend of Ash's. It was pretty funny of that interpretation by this young man, but I guess in retrospect, it was similar to one -- I was trying to grow my hair out at the time. Either way, all of us had a good laugh. Then, we stopped for a bit so I could see myself at this stage. This was the moment I started to fall apart. I was ready, but the reality hit me. Jim was quick to be there and give me a chance to gather myself up. Once I finished the blubbering, I was much stronger and told them I was ready to get this going on. So off Sanford clipped away. We went to the next style which was considerably shorter. The funny was and I agree with their opinion on this one: as I got my hair cut shorter, I started to look younger. I mean considerably younger. So strange. I guess because there was no distraction with the hair -- not in the way of my face. At one point, I found myself looking like a little kid --- boy-like when I was a kid. NO, I hadn't been drinking! No, this isn't wishful thinking -- it just made me look that way. Mind you there are cameras clicking away and being videoed.
That's one of the biggest changes I've seen in myself. I am allowing this right of passage to be filmed. I'm opening up like I've never opened up before. I'm wanting to share it this way because oddly enough I do believe this can take the mystery out of this process for some who might be entering into this process. And, we as women, have been put into their categories which dictates what femininity is or is not. Supposedly, we have strength in our hair. I have to laugh at that. I feel stronger without it surprisingly so! Either way, I want to take the mystery and the FEAR out of this process. My tape is rather raw at times with the conversations we are sharing among each other. There is senses of humor going on to lighten the situation for me. There was nervous laughter at times from me as well as others in the room. Everyone had their different comfort levels that you will notice. There are good moments, sad moments, happy moments, supportive moments, freaky moments -- that's what makes this so real. It's going to come to you unedited. I want this completely honest from MY perspective. And that's what this is. For ME, this is what I needed to go through. I do not suggest at all that this would work for others; but at least it's there to see and hopefully, gleen some insight into what people can go through. It's an easy process overall, but emotionally, I don't believe it ruins a person. I say this because we are stronger than hair; I am not defined by this disease. And if I need to lose my hair to gain my life back, then so be it. HAIR GROWS BACK. And I'm not going to waste anymore time mourning my hair.
When we got to the final stages of chopping my hair off on the sides and leaving a butch haircut on top (which I did not like the look at all) we took a break. Had to -- just needed to take one more really big cleansing breath to do the final cuts. We took more pics; laughed a lot at this look -- no not my cup of tea to say the least. Then Sanny said, "Let's do it now and take the rest off; what do you think?" I nodded in the affirmative (yes) and said, "Let's do it already." And he did as I commanded. He got the shaving shears and turned that puppy on and took my hair down ultimately to about 1/8 inch around my head. Had to clean it up so there were no stragglers hanging around. But it was done. It felt so weird because my hair folicles were in a pattern around my head and lay in that pattern. A bit on the sensitive side. Doesn't hurt at all -- just sensitive when I ran my hand across my head. It felt so different. We talked about the fact that I would need to wash this and put a good conditioner on my scalp. I have psoriasis in my scalp area but happily no lesions or anything that is gross. I had big time fear that I was going to have disgusting red and seepy patches all over my scalp. But I don't! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I know inquiring minds want to know: what's the shape of my head. I'm happy to report I have a very nice and proportional head. It's so nice and shapely and my ears are perfectly proportioned to my head. Wow, I got a break on this one! THANK YOU GOD! But more importantly, Thank you Mom and Dad for creating me.
The conversation stopped and we just observed my cranium. From my perspective, I didn't expect to get the reactions I did from the gallery that was present. This inlcuded my daughter, Amy, who was on SKYPE. Loreto is a photographer and he was going on about the artistic side of my head. I was so surprised how happy everyone was for me. They got to the point of gushing about me. Kept on telling my my eyes and cheekbones pop out; how young I look; that I'm hot (that came from Jim big time!). About that time they all said,"Ok, maybe we need to give Lynn and Jim some private time." LOL! No, it didn't happen. Then they wanted to know my opinion: well, since I was the recipient, I was still processing this. Yes, my brain was clicking away it's movie of the look and I was staring and smiling. I have to say, this is what you get. I cannot hide myself under my hair. This is me. This is the new Lynn. I guess this is my right of passage. I thought when I turned 50 years old that that was the right of passage. No, I would say shaving your head is a right of passage big time. Suddenly, I was thinking about my make-up, big bangly earrings, scarves and hats. And NO WAY do I want to cover my head with a wig -- at least not at this time. I think that would be so fake for me. I feel that I want the GENUINE Lynn to be seen for who and what I am. And it doesn't get much more up in front like this. I'm not doing this for shock purposes, but this is for me. Please see me for who I really am. You can judge me; go right ahead. Assume what you want or must. Bottom line for me: I frankly do give a crap what you think. I feel pretty darned happy and liberated by this. It's not what I expected myself to feel. But I do feel FREE; I mean REALLY FREE. I'm tickled that I don't have to deal with the dead hair on my head. I'm thinking about all the money I'm saving not coloring or cutting presently; the hair care products are a savings as well. Yes, this is temporary. When I'm finished with chemo and then with radiation, my hair will come back. And then it's really going to get interesting. What and how will it come back as? GREY? Curly? STRAIGHT? From what I see now, I have salt and pepper hair around the front. Well, if I like it, I may keep it that way. This would be, in my opinion, the time to allow this to stay when it's coming back fresh and new. I don't want to look the way I used to. Considering what I'm going through, I can never be the same. I am not the same. I will never be the same again. There are lessons I'm learning daily. I must pay attention to them. Once again, this is MY journey. And I have to say again, there are more blessings that have come out of this horror than there negatives. I will get to the other side of this disease and come back even stronger. My insecurities are fading away quickly. And I don't know why. But they are. What a good sense of self and what a good sense of relief. I don't carry many burdens in my heart the way I was. I'm more grateful than anything.
Since the hair shave, I've been out in the public a few times. The first one was to take Woody, my dog, on his morning walk. Now, remember I'm still recovering from the port removal, so my right arm is still needing to be taken care of and elevated, etc, but I am seeing improvement; and as my doc pointed out to me day before yesterday, my body was really compromised by this clot, so it's going to take a while, but it will recover. So anyway, my walk was short, but I watched a video from YouTube about how to wrap my head with a scarf. Got some great ideas from a couple women and tried my version. I wrapped my head up and to my surprise, it stayed on my head! I did a great job. I look rather exotic. I even put some large earrings on and took off with my dog for his walk in the field. I noticed I walked very straight and tall. Not cocky, just taller. Felt good. We did out thing and came back to the house. I took my scarf off and I let my head breathe. It was a warm day out but I stayed in the house to avoid any sun rays that could burn my head and I needed to rest anyway. I like it with my head exposed. But I will place sunscreen on my head. The skin is very sensitive. Later on in the day, Jim took me to lunch to a beautiful winery called Calloway. What a gorgeous lunch and it felt so good to be among the living! I changed my scarf to a silk scarf and made a twisted rosette to the side of my head. It turned out way cute. I can't believe how much fun I'm having twisting the scarves into different designs. It's so easy and fun. At the restaurant, I was treated just like everyone else: with respect and dignity which is the way it should be. But you can't help feel a little self-conscious. For the most part no one really cared; I did notice a couple double-takes. But I would do that too. It didn't bother me in the least. And if anyone decides to ask questions, I'm completely comfortable in answering any and or all their questions within reason. I also had to do some grocery shopping and that when very well.
Today Ashley and Sanford and I hung out in Encinitas. I had no idea what a cool coastal town it is. So great and very earthy So. Cal style. We had a blast. WE went to a knittery store called The Black Sheep. Talk about over the top yarns! Oh, yeah, I had to buy more stash. GORGEOUS. It made me sweat I got so thrilled out of my brains! For those of you who don't know me, I love, love, love to knit and crochet. It's my ZEN!!!! I don't think I can ever have enough of the organic yarns and gorgeous colors. I don't buy all organics, but I love the unusual. I love the textures and I try to figure out who would love this particular yarn either in a scarf or socks, or fingerless gloves (I'm still needing help) but that's ok. I try. I love my time with knitting. I also like to felt hand bags. I have to say I have created some gorgeous bags, but they do take a bit of money and they take time. But they are addicting. I'm about due again to knit a bag up. But been waiting for my arm to improve so I can. It'll take some time and I will be back in the saddle again.
Needless, to say, I will be back to that knitting shop. Love, love, love it! Gotta go if you are there.
Ok. Wondering why I'm writing at almost 3am in the morning? Well, I have Chemo today @ 10:30am down at my Scripp's Medical Center with my oncologist, Dr. Bernstein. Love this man. And I love Regan more! My nurse. Anyway, I was corrected by the doc and he told me I take the Dexamethazone for the Taxere chemo drug i take to avoid allergic reactions to that particular chemo. I stand corrected. I thought it was for the Adrimiacin. Now, last time he and I talked he was going to removed that drug out of the equation, but since that conversation he has changed his mind. He will examine me to see how far down the tumors from come down; he will then make changes to the drug as needed. So I still may get the Adrimiacin yet. (CRAP) that one is a mean drug. I broke out big time, diarrhea ville, loss of hair, fatigue and a change up in my taste buds somewhat. Not to bad there. So we'll see what happens. The will draw my blood and check my blood panel such as white and red blood cells, hemoglobin, liver, etc. I hope I'm doing well. I feel pretty darned good. But we'll see. I'm am caustiously optomistic. Cannot be glib about chemo. So after this treatment, I will have 4 more treatments! YEAH.
We leave here around 9am cuz I have an appointment with my surgeon for post-op to see how I'm healing and discuss a couple other items. I have been eating well so I have not dropped anymore weight. I now way 152 lbs. (down 13 lbs. total) I have been told that I need some fighting weight still. But my clothes are fitting great and no big muffin tops are around! Yippee Skippee. I defninitely feel better about being in my clothes.
Will keep you all posted as to how the treatment goes this time. Not going to bring my knitting this time because I have to rest my arm. but there is plenty for me to do. I will pack some food to munch on while I hang around. The procedure should take about 2 hrs if all goes well into my veins and I don't suspect any issues to arise.
I continue to ask for as many prayers, good energy and good thoughts as possible. I do feel each and everyone of them. I can't thank you enough.
I'll be in touch in the next couple days. This weekend is going to be a good one and that's what i'm gearing up for.
Take care and I send big hugs and kisses out to all.
Yes, I'm doing ok. I'm ready again. And I can't wait to hear from the doc that he's happy my tumors are responding so well. My surgeon couldn't believe when he felt my tumors how small they are now. He kept on saying, "Wonderful, Lynn; this is simply wonderful." See, miracles happen and I know partly it's because of all the positvity and prayers!!!! There is power big time in prayers.
So with that, yes, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
Sunday, April 24, 2011
TO NEW BEGINNINGS: HAPPY EASTER!
Today is a very special day -- it's Easter. I absolutely love this time of year. Always the new beginnings of something, whether it be new gardening plantings, new baby livestock, new everything. Love this time of year. It's fresh and new. And biblically speaking, it's new life in the spiritual journey.
Today is a little more momentous for me personally. I've been talking a couple times now that my hair has decided to fall out. Last night my hair was everywhere. I mean in hands, clothes, couch, pillows, everywhere! Awful. I have it twisted upward. I did "brush" it yesterday afternoon which proved to be a little intense for me. I don't have bald spots surprisingly. I have a broadcast of even hair loss. I guess that's good? Who knows and frankly, who cares. It's falling out either way. It even feels dead on my head. Doesn't hurt, just feels detached now.
So my dear, dear friend Sanny is here visiting and he will be doing the honors today of either cutting my hair into a really short "do" or shaving it completely. We'll see. However, the inevitable is here. I'm not really laughing about this one. I am wrapping my brain around all this. I've done all the intellectual things such as the justification why this is happening; why my hair is falling out; what does it mean to me; what am I really comfortable with on my head; will I wear a wig; will I only wear hats and bandanas. Either way, I guess this is part of the journey. This is going to be, once again, a day by day thing.
I'm wondering what my cranium is going to look like truly. Some people have these beautiful heads. Not so sure mine will be that. I have so many inperfections already and let's just say I am afraid to see them unveiled. I have psoriasis around my scalp area. Isn't that lovely. I guess I will see if there are any little patches throughout my cranium that is usually covered by my hair. But then again, I think the exposure will be good for my skin. Who knows, I will have to read up more on all this and then by trial and error I will figure it out. I do know that my scalp will be sensitive -- not sure for how long, but that too will be dealt with.
So all, I will be looking quite different. I've seen many a woman out there showing their "baldness" and I have to say I always have said to myself as I pass them by, "Oh, bless her heart." Once again, I'm in this new sorority that I really don't want to be a part of. It really hasn't changed for me regarding this, but at least I am not fearful any longer. I guess there is progress there. I am in the process of truly redefining myself. Almost makes me feel as though I'm a pupa in the process of changing into a butterfly that will go out and show it's true beauty later. I hope to live a lot longer than a butterfly though! LOL. I'm sure I will.
Either way, today is that special day. Wish me luck. Not feeling emotional just kind of mindful and being aware of this fact. Should be interesting if I do fall apart or not. Won't know till I'm there, I guess. All I know is this: I'm going to feel what I will; not going to gloss it over; just feel whatever it is at the time. No expectations. That's a huge step for me. I'm such a control freak. Letting go of so much has been this walk of reality that has been quite the learning curve for me. Just trusting in others is biggy for me. Relying on others is a biggy. In my famous way of saying it: IT IS WHAT IT IS. Dragging that one through the dirt a bit, but it's the truth.
OK. I'm done for now. I'm chilling here with my family and dogs. Still recovering from my port removal. The arm still has to heal obviously cuz it's still turning colors. I guess this is going to take some time. But I'm using the ice packs and being good girl.
I wish all this glorious sacred day a beautiful and wonderful Easter. Tell your loved ones how much you care about them. Say those words to them. They are so very important! Just a smile is like the greatest gift sometimes. I know smiles really brighten my days! I love receiving them!
Hanging in there and ready for my next challenges. Yup, my cup's still half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
Today is a little more momentous for me personally. I've been talking a couple times now that my hair has decided to fall out. Last night my hair was everywhere. I mean in hands, clothes, couch, pillows, everywhere! Awful. I have it twisted upward. I did "brush" it yesterday afternoon which proved to be a little intense for me. I don't have bald spots surprisingly. I have a broadcast of even hair loss. I guess that's good? Who knows and frankly, who cares. It's falling out either way. It even feels dead on my head. Doesn't hurt, just feels detached now.
So my dear, dear friend Sanny is here visiting and he will be doing the honors today of either cutting my hair into a really short "do" or shaving it completely. We'll see. However, the inevitable is here. I'm not really laughing about this one. I am wrapping my brain around all this. I've done all the intellectual things such as the justification why this is happening; why my hair is falling out; what does it mean to me; what am I really comfortable with on my head; will I wear a wig; will I only wear hats and bandanas. Either way, I guess this is part of the journey. This is going to be, once again, a day by day thing.
I'm wondering what my cranium is going to look like truly. Some people have these beautiful heads. Not so sure mine will be that. I have so many inperfections already and let's just say I am afraid to see them unveiled. I have psoriasis around my scalp area. Isn't that lovely. I guess I will see if there are any little patches throughout my cranium that is usually covered by my hair. But then again, I think the exposure will be good for my skin. Who knows, I will have to read up more on all this and then by trial and error I will figure it out. I do know that my scalp will be sensitive -- not sure for how long, but that too will be dealt with.
So all, I will be looking quite different. I've seen many a woman out there showing their "baldness" and I have to say I always have said to myself as I pass them by, "Oh, bless her heart." Once again, I'm in this new sorority that I really don't want to be a part of. It really hasn't changed for me regarding this, but at least I am not fearful any longer. I guess there is progress there. I am in the process of truly redefining myself. Almost makes me feel as though I'm a pupa in the process of changing into a butterfly that will go out and show it's true beauty later. I hope to live a lot longer than a butterfly though! LOL. I'm sure I will.
Either way, today is that special day. Wish me luck. Not feeling emotional just kind of mindful and being aware of this fact. Should be interesting if I do fall apart or not. Won't know till I'm there, I guess. All I know is this: I'm going to feel what I will; not going to gloss it over; just feel whatever it is at the time. No expectations. That's a huge step for me. I'm such a control freak. Letting go of so much has been this walk of reality that has been quite the learning curve for me. Just trusting in others is biggy for me. Relying on others is a biggy. In my famous way of saying it: IT IS WHAT IT IS. Dragging that one through the dirt a bit, but it's the truth.
OK. I'm done for now. I'm chilling here with my family and dogs. Still recovering from my port removal. The arm still has to heal obviously cuz it's still turning colors. I guess this is going to take some time. But I'm using the ice packs and being good girl.
I wish all this glorious sacred day a beautiful and wonderful Easter. Tell your loved ones how much you care about them. Say those words to them. They are so very important! Just a smile is like the greatest gift sometimes. I know smiles really brighten my days! I love receiving them!
Hanging in there and ready for my next challenges. Yup, my cup's still half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
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