I hope everyone's 4th of July was fun and relaxing. Down in Southern California it was certainly HOT, HOT, HOT! I, myself, stayed covered up in the house in the air conditioning. I, personally, do not like to live in air conditioned situations, but I had no choice. It was way too hot for my body and considering the chemo, it makes my body that much more sensitive to changing temperatures.
This time around with the chemo has been most challenging. I cannot believe how wiped out I am. I mean beyond being hit by a Mack Truck. Saturday I was in bed almost all day. I am very much aware of my body's needs now and am doing the best to listen to it; otherwise, I do believe I will pay the wrong kind of price for my stubborness. Don't want to go down that road at all. I have spoken of the "mushy" head feeling or the "no sense of concentration." This time it seems to be doubled that amount. Wow. I didn't realize it could or would get any more intense to this extent. Wait a minute, maybe theoretically I have heard and read that the chemo can compound on top of one another, etc. This is simply awful. At this point, I have one more treatment after this one to go and I pray to God that it won't get any worse, but I somehow I think it might get worse.
My skin is so very dry from our climate. My water retention is awful. The doc had to place me on a diuretic for a short period of time to eliminate the 6 lbs that I have retained since the last chemo! That's a lot of water! So I pee a lot which is par for the course at the point. My attitude is this: So what? Just add it on. The diuretic is giving me great relief from the water retention especially in my hands, arms all over body. My face has been pretty flushed -- chemo related and heat related. I have a huge glass of water or some fluid with me at all times. I never deviate from my fluids. I also am very mindful of the fact that this diuretic can wipe out good bacteria in my body so I have to make sure I'm replacing it with the potassium that I am losing -- not through pills. My poor body is already working overtime processing the chemo, so I replace through diet and that means eating lots of foods high in potassium.
My emotions are all over the page currently. Not crying but just too much up in my head. I have so much time to lay around a process and think. Not so sure this is a good thing. I try to read, but like I stated earlier, I have no concentration. My words go into the great abyss! They disappear. This chemo brain is something else. I have a friend who is always so concerned about her memory issues; well, don't mean to be doing the one-upsmanship, but please, chemo brain is BAAAAAD! I've been calling it "Mash Potatoe Brain" this weekend. It fits very well.
My sleep pattern is very deep -- I really go into a deep sleep once I'm there. I find it remarkable how my body will sink deep into my mattress. My body is working so hard to get well. All I can do is go with it.
I still find the irony in the drugs -- chemo-- how it works, but it's so toxic and horrible for the body. Meanwhile, the cancer just lays there quietly doing it's thing. Really creepy for me. So I try very hard not to think about it. I have to think on the positive side of things otherwise I would be in constant panic mode and that is very counter-productive.
On the 4th of July, I stayed in bed yet again. My body is being kicked beyond belief. It's really frustrating and challenging. It truly makes me feel like this will be always. When will I feel the strength recharge my body? I do state my affirmations I have been working on to help me cope. It's so hard to communicate all the stuff that is happening at one time to people around you. Then you attempt to try to communicate this to others and I might as well be talking about rocket science with them because it goes in one ear and directly out the other. I can't expect anyone to understand. They have not a clue! Not a clue. How can they unless they've been down this road? I guess I hope that maybe someone will have a little empathy. Learn empathy and understanding. But at this point, I keep it generic because no one understands truly.
I did get out of the house for about 15 minutes last night to join in the festivities of the neighborhood. What a nice group of people and their children. I feel very blessed. It was so wonderful to watch what the kids were doing as far as their activities. They were all painted up and having so much fun celebrating the day. That's what it's supposed to be about -- the joy of family and friends. I loved their little voices and their laughter. It gave me such hope and took away my isolation even if it were for a shirt period of time. I'll take it. After awhile, my body gave way and I needed to get back to bed. Oh, if I could scream, but it would take way too much energy to do so -- so I won't scream.
I was up a lot last night waundering the house. I ended up on a couch in the living room trying to think positive thoughts and get out of my funk. I ended up finding myself ultimately completely turned around in my bed. I was sleeping opposite of how I began -- my feet were placed where my head should be -- hilarious. Oh, well, whatever works. It doesn't matter -- does it really? As long as I'm sleeping and resting.
So far this morning I'm functioning but with lack-luster. At least I'm up and trying to move and get some circulation going. It's very muggy outside so I'll be mindful. The dogs, including my daughter's 2, are all about the adventure of this new day. They've got their agenda going on - sniffing every conceiveable nook and cranny around the house and property. Meanwhile, I'll make the effort to move forward somehow. My goal: To listen to my body's cues. To keep my fluids up and to eat cleanly.
I pray at all times I will get through this. I WILL get through this. I WILL!!! I don't wish this process on anyone. It could be worse! It could be. I'm convincing myself a lot today. It's just one of those day's, I guess.
The Cup's Half Full and learning more and more.
Ciao, Ciao!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
#5 Chemo FInished! One more to go!!!!
Today I had my 2nd to last chemo treatment. Thank God! But getting there, I sure had my typical preparation issues I've had pretty much with each and every chemo...........I get very "heady" and think about what I could experience or may not experience -- since I have these vein issues, it's been stressful for me to just walk in and accept all that is happening with each and every insert of the needle into yet another different vein. It's not the doctor's fault NOR the oncology nurse's fault. It's the chemo! It such toxicity going into my veins. So I anticipate, which is crazy.
It's the control freak in me, once again. I use different positve affirmations reminding myself this is something I cannot control. All will work out; this medicine will do it's job in the cells it needs to work on -- which it has. So I manage to get myself in a place of serious thoughts; but thank goodness as we drive down to La Jolla I always have the music blaring to tunes that make me motivated or relaxed. It really depends where I'm at with my emotions at that moment. I'm an ecclectic music lover -- it can be from head-banging music to major melodic sounds. Who knows with me. But whatever it takes, we play.
By the time I arrive, I'm focused and somewhat relaxed. But once I have the opportunity to visit with the office staff and my "core team" I'm good to go. I can really relax in the environment I get to have my chemo. I have windows to look out and the chairs are very comfy; it's very clean and sedate, which I need. I also bring with me very pivotal special items with me each and every chemo treatment. I have my prayer shawl, my special coins, spiritual stuff. It brings me support. Each of us have our way of dealing with our stresses. This has worked for me. I also bring my computer, phone (which I only text with. I don't call during chemo). I have choices to read books, etc. But honestly, I have no sense of concentration of words for any length of time so I look at magazines when I feel like it.
I get to recap what my last 3 weeks have been like with the doc and nurse while the nurse is administering all the plethora of drugs into my body. (via the IV) I cannot tell you how important it is for me to be able to download all this information to the nurse and doc and confirm that this is all part of the process with chemo.
I did have a lot of water gain this last chemo -- 6 lbs to be exact! SUCKS BIG TIME. So I will be using a diuretic for the next month, which is temporary. Thank goodness. I will have to up my potassium levels with my foods, which is no problem. A lot more fruits and fruit juices. I have cut out the Gatorade even though I water it way, way down. Still has too much sodium for my body. That's fine, I can add organic fruit juices to my water to keep it interesting. But I drink so much water now, but I will conitnue to keep that priority drink number one.
Doc told me we will need to revisit me being able to travel up to my home town after my last chemo cuz he wants me to have my surgery within 3 - 4 weeks (no longer). That blew the wind out of my sales somewhat, but I understand. I have to get this cancer out of me soon. I don't want to be resting on my laurels and I certainly don't want to give Cancer a chance to invade any other locations. I will have to have a CAT scan before surgery in order for the surgeon to map out all the locations they will need to either surgically remove cancer or check out for further infiltration of cancer. (A huge pill to swallow thinking about it. Kind of freaks me out, but it's necessary. duh.)
I brought up the subject of radiation and we had a pretty frank discussion as to what I will need. I get the honor of having radiation for 6 weeks -- 5 days a week. Yup, intense. He has only about 3 radiation doctors that he "trusts". I will most likely go to a doc out of Vista -- love that area. We will discuss further realities, but that's where I may end up. But we'll see. I have not been misguided by my docs whatsoever and I want and require the best medical treatment possible -- also considering my level of cancer. No playing around with this. But I must say, I didn't freak out at all, but I can see how this is going to beat the crap out of me. 6 weeks -- 5days a week. YIKES!! I've been told radiation can kick you in the butt even more so than chemo. But the good news is, at least I know what areas now will be radiated. My chest, my left breast area, my axillary and possibly up by my neck area. But we'll see on that one. A lot. A lot. My prayers continue to get bigger. Oh, well, I need prayer. So back to the here and now.
Over the next 4 days are my days of sloggy feeling and fatigue; but one never knows how I will truly feel, but have learned to be prepared for the worst. By Monday, I'm at the mercy of my body's mechanics but I think I have this finally conquered.
I pray and pray and pray my veins hold up for the last 2 chemos. At least I know if something goes awre I will have the tools to use with the contrast therapy with ice/heat for 25 minutes total. That really helped with this phlebitis this last chemo.
My family is kicked into healing mode right now and are doing their tag-team roles amazingly well! I love them so much and cannot thank them enough for their constant love and support. My youngest daughter will be arriving in August and I cannot wait for her arrival as well as the arrival of her hubby a few weeks later. I will feel very complete and ready to face my surgery knowing they are all present. Like I've said prior, I cannot do this alone. I don't know how many women out there do it. They are my heroes. The inner strength to carry on no matter what. The relying on oneself! You are the rock stars to me. My prayers include YOU in my prayers.
One story I must share -- a short one.
Yesterday I had finished my PT therapy for my right arm. I was leaving the bathroom and coming out the door entering into the waiting room. There stood a little, skinny, very sick/cancer patient wearing her mask and completely BALD like me. She had the longest scar on her little tiny, skinny arm I think I have ever witnessed. Our eyes locked. I mean LOCKED. Immediate smiles -- I could see her eyes turn hopeful. She waived the cutest waive with her little fingers at me. I said a rather loud and spontaneous gleeful, "HI THERE!" It was like seeing a long-lost friend. We were immediately bonded for that moment in time cuz of our "likeness." I told her I hope she will do well. She just nodded.
At that very moment as I walked out, I felt such emotion and overwhelming pain in my heart and soul. No child should have to experience this Cancer or any serious illness. Children have such an amazing understanding that WE adults need to remind ourselves to listen to. They accept and conquer. I may never see her again, but for that moment I understood her situation. I just wanted to take her into my arms and hold her -- maybe cry together, maybe not; but I wanted to tell her all will be ok and you are loved! I will always remember her and I will reflect back and remember to keep my issues in perspective. This was no accidental meeting -- my angels and my God are working very diligently to remind me: Lynn, you will be ok; and my life is coming back to me soon enough. Always keep hope and love and gratitude in one's heart.
Wow, I my Cup's Half Full and I'm listening!!!
PS: HAPPY 4TH OF JULY UNITED STATES!!!
Ciao, Ciao!
It's the control freak in me, once again. I use different positve affirmations reminding myself this is something I cannot control. All will work out; this medicine will do it's job in the cells it needs to work on -- which it has. So I manage to get myself in a place of serious thoughts; but thank goodness as we drive down to La Jolla I always have the music blaring to tunes that make me motivated or relaxed. It really depends where I'm at with my emotions at that moment. I'm an ecclectic music lover -- it can be from head-banging music to major melodic sounds. Who knows with me. But whatever it takes, we play.
By the time I arrive, I'm focused and somewhat relaxed. But once I have the opportunity to visit with the office staff and my "core team" I'm good to go. I can really relax in the environment I get to have my chemo. I have windows to look out and the chairs are very comfy; it's very clean and sedate, which I need. I also bring with me very pivotal special items with me each and every chemo treatment. I have my prayer shawl, my special coins, spiritual stuff. It brings me support. Each of us have our way of dealing with our stresses. This has worked for me. I also bring my computer, phone (which I only text with. I don't call during chemo). I have choices to read books, etc. But honestly, I have no sense of concentration of words for any length of time so I look at magazines when I feel like it.
I get to recap what my last 3 weeks have been like with the doc and nurse while the nurse is administering all the plethora of drugs into my body. (via the IV) I cannot tell you how important it is for me to be able to download all this information to the nurse and doc and confirm that this is all part of the process with chemo.
I did have a lot of water gain this last chemo -- 6 lbs to be exact! SUCKS BIG TIME. So I will be using a diuretic for the next month, which is temporary. Thank goodness. I will have to up my potassium levels with my foods, which is no problem. A lot more fruits and fruit juices. I have cut out the Gatorade even though I water it way, way down. Still has too much sodium for my body. That's fine, I can add organic fruit juices to my water to keep it interesting. But I drink so much water now, but I will conitnue to keep that priority drink number one.
Doc told me we will need to revisit me being able to travel up to my home town after my last chemo cuz he wants me to have my surgery within 3 - 4 weeks (no longer). That blew the wind out of my sales somewhat, but I understand. I have to get this cancer out of me soon. I don't want to be resting on my laurels and I certainly don't want to give Cancer a chance to invade any other locations. I will have to have a CAT scan before surgery in order for the surgeon to map out all the locations they will need to either surgically remove cancer or check out for further infiltration of cancer. (A huge pill to swallow thinking about it. Kind of freaks me out, but it's necessary. duh.)
I brought up the subject of radiation and we had a pretty frank discussion as to what I will need. I get the honor of having radiation for 6 weeks -- 5 days a week. Yup, intense. He has only about 3 radiation doctors that he "trusts". I will most likely go to a doc out of Vista -- love that area. We will discuss further realities, but that's where I may end up. But we'll see. I have not been misguided by my docs whatsoever and I want and require the best medical treatment possible -- also considering my level of cancer. No playing around with this. But I must say, I didn't freak out at all, but I can see how this is going to beat the crap out of me. 6 weeks -- 5days a week. YIKES!! I've been told radiation can kick you in the butt even more so than chemo. But the good news is, at least I know what areas now will be radiated. My chest, my left breast area, my axillary and possibly up by my neck area. But we'll see on that one. A lot. A lot. My prayers continue to get bigger. Oh, well, I need prayer. So back to the here and now.
Over the next 4 days are my days of sloggy feeling and fatigue; but one never knows how I will truly feel, but have learned to be prepared for the worst. By Monday, I'm at the mercy of my body's mechanics but I think I have this finally conquered.
I pray and pray and pray my veins hold up for the last 2 chemos. At least I know if something goes awre I will have the tools to use with the contrast therapy with ice/heat for 25 minutes total. That really helped with this phlebitis this last chemo.
My family is kicked into healing mode right now and are doing their tag-team roles amazingly well! I love them so much and cannot thank them enough for their constant love and support. My youngest daughter will be arriving in August and I cannot wait for her arrival as well as the arrival of her hubby a few weeks later. I will feel very complete and ready to face my surgery knowing they are all present. Like I've said prior, I cannot do this alone. I don't know how many women out there do it. They are my heroes. The inner strength to carry on no matter what. The relying on oneself! You are the rock stars to me. My prayers include YOU in my prayers.
One story I must share -- a short one.
Yesterday I had finished my PT therapy for my right arm. I was leaving the bathroom and coming out the door entering into the waiting room. There stood a little, skinny, very sick/cancer patient wearing her mask and completely BALD like me. She had the longest scar on her little tiny, skinny arm I think I have ever witnessed. Our eyes locked. I mean LOCKED. Immediate smiles -- I could see her eyes turn hopeful. She waived the cutest waive with her little fingers at me. I said a rather loud and spontaneous gleeful, "HI THERE!" It was like seeing a long-lost friend. We were immediately bonded for that moment in time cuz of our "likeness." I told her I hope she will do well. She just nodded.
At that very moment as I walked out, I felt such emotion and overwhelming pain in my heart and soul. No child should have to experience this Cancer or any serious illness. Children have such an amazing understanding that WE adults need to remind ourselves to listen to. They accept and conquer. I may never see her again, but for that moment I understood her situation. I just wanted to take her into my arms and hold her -- maybe cry together, maybe not; but I wanted to tell her all will be ok and you are loved! I will always remember her and I will reflect back and remember to keep my issues in perspective. This was no accidental meeting -- my angels and my God are working very diligently to remind me: Lynn, you will be ok; and my life is coming back to me soon enough. Always keep hope and love and gratitude in one's heart.
Wow, I my Cup's Half Full and I'm listening!!!
PS: HAPPY 4TH OF JULY UNITED STATES!!!
Ciao, Ciao!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
My Wedding Anniversary with Cancer present
Today is a great day even though I'm bald as an eagle; but it could be much worse. Today Jim and I are celebrating our 28th wedding anniversary. We are pretty proud of that fact and the fact that we still actually LIKE each other. He's out golfing to begin his day -- which is a good thing since he is my caretaker and does a great job of tending to the majority of our daily stuff.......He's been my rock star as I have stated in previous blogs -- because it's all true. Part of going through this whole journey is dealing with our relationships. In my case, I'm happily married and we take our vows pretty seriously. If there was ever a time in our relationship where we reflect back on those words of our vows, it's now.
"For richer or pooer; in SICKNESS and in HEALTH....."
It's never perfect being in a marriage. Yes, it is work. It's just not meant to be the type of work that is like pulling teeth -- but then again, I think some couples love the "friction" -- it keeps their marriage working. Doesn't work for me, but who's to say what works for one couple to the next.
Jim and I are facing new challenges because of the cancer. On one hand, it ticks me off we have to be in this situation; and on the other, it's brought us even closer than I could imagine. It's rather interesting to me that in times of major tribulations how we all deal with our own stresses and if we want to face up to changes or not. I can only speak for me/us. We most definitely have had major, and I mean MAJOR adjustments to our relationship. I'm not the same -- plain and simple. I resent that fact, but it's the truth. I see myself in a different way now, consequently, I don't "relate" in the same manner back to my husband. We've had many a discussion through this process of cancer and chemo. There is a lot of understanding involved. I think it's been harder for me to come to this juncture because I've been so close with my husband. I don't know where Jim gets his understanding. He's so willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel whole or happy. I cannot ask for more. I just don't understand how HE can be so understanding. He's my true love I have hoped for all my life -- and I am fortunate to have him right in front of me. With that, I try to honor him in any way I can. As an example, I get the biggest kick out of being able to make him a breakfast or a lunch or dinner; I also enjoy being able to make him some espresso just the way he likes it. I also want to be able to vacuum thet floors when I feel up to it. He's always doing everything around this home of ours to make me be able to rest and relax more without unnecessary stress. I have to say, in the beginning of all this craziness, I was so fiercely protective of what I could and could not do -- my independence, that I would fight him everytime he tried to help me with anything. What a waste of energy! All that did was make me more exhausted and frustrated. I was the one that was having to step back and "allow" him to help me. So crazy to think now why that was such a big deal. But it is a big deal. I wanted everything to be the same. Guess, what? It's not. Life, once again, has changed forever. Yes, I realize, on the other side of this journey, I will get my independence back, but while one is in this situation, all you want IS your life back. But Jim patiently tends to what needs to be done and is glad to do so. He is my blessing and I can't imagine loving any one person more (other than our girls, of course).
THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS. Through this major test of our lives together he continues to show me daily how much he's committed to me and our lives together. He could have run to the hills, which I have found many husbands do these days when they find out their "wife" or "partner in life" has breast cancer. Even in 2011, this kind of rejection is going on. So amazingly hard to wrap my brain around, but I guess it takes all kinds of selfishness.
I also think that if it weren't for our faith and spiritual guidance, we would be lost in the hollowness that can come when you are dealt these set of circumstances. I cannot imagine not having HOPE, FAITH, LOVE, UNDERSTANDING and PATIENCE. I know I still have a long way to go in the completeness of this journey but I am willing to learn. Something good/great will come out of all of this. I know this to be true. And I know it's not a Pie-in-the-sky kind of feeling either. I just know...........
In the next 2 days I will be entering into my 5th Chemo -- I'm almost finished with Chemo! THANK YOU GOD!! My next phase will be coming up, but for now, I will face the last 2 chemos head-on, I hope, with GRACE and DIGNITY which I had prayed for since the beginning. I have lost the majority of my eyelashes this past 2 weeks; my eyebrows are so much thinner. My eyes are very teary always due to the Taxotere. I see myself differently yet again. It's funny how I can still walk by a mirror and take a glance, then another good, hard look and say to myself, "Who is that?" It always cracks me up. But, I admit, there are few times that I will look and get real tears in my eyes cuz I still can't believe this has happened to me and my family.......And once again I remember that there are so many others out there with so much worse. With so much MORE pain than mine/ours; with so much more heartbreak, etc. So it snaps me back to reality and I then say a little prayer of THANKS and move past that stupid mirror. I know I have to move forward and make the most of whatever my day is. This is temporary and I will / we will get through this NO MATTER WHAT! I'm doing this in spite of what the Cancer wants out of me. Like I've said other times, I will win this; I will conquer this and I will heal. I feel everyone's prayers. It's been very powerful -- what a feeling that embraces my body. That's why I know I'm not alone. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART to all of you who do pray honestly and openly for me and my family. It doesn't go unnoticed.
I pray so much I think my angels are a little tired of hearing me. But maybe not. The shrinkage still is happening in the tumors.
Onward I say! Let's move forward -- face #5 chemo on Thursday with the dignity and calm and positive energy I need to get through it only 2 more times. A total of 6 treatments. My final treatment is July 21!!!! I hope my veins can withstand just 2 more. They will, I may be tracked up, but they will hold up.
Afterall, I am Lynn Johnson -- I'm too stubborn and willful and overly optimistic! And, Oh yeah, I don't like Cancer! I'm killing it with kindness, too!
I can honestly say My Cup's Half Full still and counting! Please keep those prayers alive for us!
Ciao, Ciao!
"For richer or pooer; in SICKNESS and in HEALTH....."
It's never perfect being in a marriage. Yes, it is work. It's just not meant to be the type of work that is like pulling teeth -- but then again, I think some couples love the "friction" -- it keeps their marriage working. Doesn't work for me, but who's to say what works for one couple to the next.
Jim and I are facing new challenges because of the cancer. On one hand, it ticks me off we have to be in this situation; and on the other, it's brought us even closer than I could imagine. It's rather interesting to me that in times of major tribulations how we all deal with our own stresses and if we want to face up to changes or not. I can only speak for me/us. We most definitely have had major, and I mean MAJOR adjustments to our relationship. I'm not the same -- plain and simple. I resent that fact, but it's the truth. I see myself in a different way now, consequently, I don't "relate" in the same manner back to my husband. We've had many a discussion through this process of cancer and chemo. There is a lot of understanding involved. I think it's been harder for me to come to this juncture because I've been so close with my husband. I don't know where Jim gets his understanding. He's so willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel whole or happy. I cannot ask for more. I just don't understand how HE can be so understanding. He's my true love I have hoped for all my life -- and I am fortunate to have him right in front of me. With that, I try to honor him in any way I can. As an example, I get the biggest kick out of being able to make him a breakfast or a lunch or dinner; I also enjoy being able to make him some espresso just the way he likes it. I also want to be able to vacuum thet floors when I feel up to it. He's always doing everything around this home of ours to make me be able to rest and relax more without unnecessary stress. I have to say, in the beginning of all this craziness, I was so fiercely protective of what I could and could not do -- my independence, that I would fight him everytime he tried to help me with anything. What a waste of energy! All that did was make me more exhausted and frustrated. I was the one that was having to step back and "allow" him to help me. So crazy to think now why that was such a big deal. But it is a big deal. I wanted everything to be the same. Guess, what? It's not. Life, once again, has changed forever. Yes, I realize, on the other side of this journey, I will get my independence back, but while one is in this situation, all you want IS your life back. But Jim patiently tends to what needs to be done and is glad to do so. He is my blessing and I can't imagine loving any one person more (other than our girls, of course).
THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS. Through this major test of our lives together he continues to show me daily how much he's committed to me and our lives together. He could have run to the hills, which I have found many husbands do these days when they find out their "wife" or "partner in life" has breast cancer. Even in 2011, this kind of rejection is going on. So amazingly hard to wrap my brain around, but I guess it takes all kinds of selfishness.
I also think that if it weren't for our faith and spiritual guidance, we would be lost in the hollowness that can come when you are dealt these set of circumstances. I cannot imagine not having HOPE, FAITH, LOVE, UNDERSTANDING and PATIENCE. I know I still have a long way to go in the completeness of this journey but I am willing to learn. Something good/great will come out of all of this. I know this to be true. And I know it's not a Pie-in-the-sky kind of feeling either. I just know...........
In the next 2 days I will be entering into my 5th Chemo -- I'm almost finished with Chemo! THANK YOU GOD!! My next phase will be coming up, but for now, I will face the last 2 chemos head-on, I hope, with GRACE and DIGNITY which I had prayed for since the beginning. I have lost the majority of my eyelashes this past 2 weeks; my eyebrows are so much thinner. My eyes are very teary always due to the Taxotere. I see myself differently yet again. It's funny how I can still walk by a mirror and take a glance, then another good, hard look and say to myself, "Who is that?" It always cracks me up. But, I admit, there are few times that I will look and get real tears in my eyes cuz I still can't believe this has happened to me and my family.......And once again I remember that there are so many others out there with so much worse. With so much MORE pain than mine/ours; with so much more heartbreak, etc. So it snaps me back to reality and I then say a little prayer of THANKS and move past that stupid mirror. I know I have to move forward and make the most of whatever my day is. This is temporary and I will / we will get through this NO MATTER WHAT! I'm doing this in spite of what the Cancer wants out of me. Like I've said other times, I will win this; I will conquer this and I will heal. I feel everyone's prayers. It's been very powerful -- what a feeling that embraces my body. That's why I know I'm not alone. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART to all of you who do pray honestly and openly for me and my family. It doesn't go unnoticed.
I pray so much I think my angels are a little tired of hearing me. But maybe not. The shrinkage still is happening in the tumors.
Onward I say! Let's move forward -- face #5 chemo on Thursday with the dignity and calm and positive energy I need to get through it only 2 more times. A total of 6 treatments. My final treatment is July 21!!!! I hope my veins can withstand just 2 more. They will, I may be tracked up, but they will hold up.
Afterall, I am Lynn Johnson -- I'm too stubborn and willful and overly optimistic! And, Oh yeah, I don't like Cancer! I'm killing it with kindness, too!
I can honestly say My Cup's Half Full still and counting! Please keep those prayers alive for us!
Ciao, Ciao!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Just an update
It's been a week now since my left arm /chemo arm, that is, has had phlebitis. What a week it's been. It started out pretty slow getting my arm to stop hurting/aching and being overall "hot" to the touch. There has been swelling, too. So much fun -- I don't wish this on anyone. I don't wish any of this cancer walk on anyone for that matter. But either way, it's just another facet in this journey.
I went to my Lymphodema PT this past Friday and she was so much help making careful suggestions as to how I might get relief on this left arm. But we primarily had to focus on my right arm regarding my vein issue. Oh, yes, I still have that going on, but not in an emergency level. My PT stated that I'm doing a good job at home with the exercises I have been given to "move" the excess fluid that is hanging around in my bicep tricep area of my right arm. My former "port" scar is doing well -- it also pliable and the color is getting more to a normal skin color now. By the PT performing the special "massage" she does, it takes away the tightness of the skin and gives great relief off the arm as far as the fluid pressure is concerned.
It makes me relax a lot more which really helps my body out overall. All these little imbalances is a domino effect and causes the heart to work harder. That is another reason why I have to rest so much. But I am a very determined type person so I move forward as much as possible.
My overall energy is getting better with each day. I had a great day today and was able to hang out with my daughter and her "little sister" from Big Brothers /Big Sisters. We went to a ceramic painting studio for a few hours which was so relaxing and fun plus a creative outlet. It felt nice to have a sense of normalcy for a few hours. Love those times so much.
At one point I did get pretty overheated due to the fact the temperature was 94 degrees outside. I even took my bandana off for a few minutes publicly!!! What a coming out party for my scalp. Actually, it felt very natural for me to do so because I was so warm. There was another woman and her son sitting at another table -- they didn't seem to mind -- I didn't seem to mind either. All I knew was I needed to get cooled down. I'm sure before this whole baldness is finished, I will be exposing my scalp several more times. Once again: It is what it is. And I have to do what I need to in order to feel comfortable.
When I came home from my outing, I was a smart person and had a lunch and then took a rest. After the rest, which lasted about 1.5 hours, I was able to do my laundry and feel fine afterwards. Everyday mundane duties are good gauges to let me know how I'm doing that particular day. Like I stated earlier in the blog, today was a good day.
I can officially say, my Cup's Half Full again. Yay.
Ciao, Ciao!
I went to my Lymphodema PT this past Friday and she was so much help making careful suggestions as to how I might get relief on this left arm. But we primarily had to focus on my right arm regarding my vein issue. Oh, yes, I still have that going on, but not in an emergency level. My PT stated that I'm doing a good job at home with the exercises I have been given to "move" the excess fluid that is hanging around in my bicep tricep area of my right arm. My former "port" scar is doing well -- it also pliable and the color is getting more to a normal skin color now. By the PT performing the special "massage" she does, it takes away the tightness of the skin and gives great relief off the arm as far as the fluid pressure is concerned.
It makes me relax a lot more which really helps my body out overall. All these little imbalances is a domino effect and causes the heart to work harder. That is another reason why I have to rest so much. But I am a very determined type person so I move forward as much as possible.
My overall energy is getting better with each day. I had a great day today and was able to hang out with my daughter and her "little sister" from Big Brothers /Big Sisters. We went to a ceramic painting studio for a few hours which was so relaxing and fun plus a creative outlet. It felt nice to have a sense of normalcy for a few hours. Love those times so much.
At one point I did get pretty overheated due to the fact the temperature was 94 degrees outside. I even took my bandana off for a few minutes publicly!!! What a coming out party for my scalp. Actually, it felt very natural for me to do so because I was so warm. There was another woman and her son sitting at another table -- they didn't seem to mind -- I didn't seem to mind either. All I knew was I needed to get cooled down. I'm sure before this whole baldness is finished, I will be exposing my scalp several more times. Once again: It is what it is. And I have to do what I need to in order to feel comfortable.
When I came home from my outing, I was a smart person and had a lunch and then took a rest. After the rest, which lasted about 1.5 hours, I was able to do my laundry and feel fine afterwards. Everyday mundane duties are good gauges to let me know how I'm doing that particular day. Like I stated earlier in the blog, today was a good day.
I can officially say, my Cup's Half Full again. Yay.
Ciao, Ciao!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I'M JUST SAYIN............
This early evening, my daughter and I ran to the grocery store to pick up some last-minute items for the house. During my check-out I was standing there with the cashier getting ready to begin my transaction. A lady and her 2 boys ( I would say one boy was about 7 years old and the other pre-teen)came up into the line and began to unload their groceries. The smaller of the 2 boys started to literally take my food and begin to play with it as if he were playing with a ball -- tossing it around and putting his little fingers all over. I caught him doing this and stated to him swiftly and non-agressively, "Honey, do not play with my food, please." His mom stopped what she was doing and gave me a look as if I had just beaten her child blue. I looked her straight in the eye and stated back to her, "I'm going through chemo currently, and your child has many, many germs and I didn't want him transferring his germs onto MY food." The woman didn't utter a word. I mean nothing. She just stared.
I guess honesty and being proactive and direct is something odd to her. I'm sure she was taken aback. Frankly, I don't give a crap. This is probably the first time I've EVER NOT apologized for something so direct. I was so shocked myself.
Now, understand, I, too, am a mom. I've been there and have done that... I'm not a know-it-all, but one thing I do know, it is MY responsibility to be the best parent I can/could be. If nothing else, the child just needed to be made aware and to learn a valuable lesson of NOT touching other people's things. But in this case, of course, I'm being very proactive regarding trying to keep germs as much at bay as possible.
Oh, yeah, and for those who feel I shouldn't be in public at all: Kiss my grits! Just kiss it! I have every RIGHT to be a part of the human race and to conduct business as usual whenever possible! I'm not going to hide just because I may make some individuals uncomfortable out there. If nothing else, it's time in 2011 that people understand there are millions of people out there that are dealing and fighting back away from cancer.
I guess my point is this: Those of you who have children, please be mindful to teach your children and remind them to be respectful of others if they are "different."
I know I am sensitive right now. What a week so far. But as I stood there continuing with my transaction, this woman -- this mother -- tried to stare me down. As if I'm going to engage with her and her "ego issue" regarding her poor little boy. First off, he's not a poor little boy. Children have an amazing way of understanding quickly. They are sharp as tacks. We under-estimate their abilities at times, I think. They are not going to melt if we look or speak to them in a manner that is not filled with melodic sounds. For heaven's sake! Please! I can't expect others to be as sensitive to other's feelings, but all I know is this would have been a perfect opportunity for that woman to have shown him a valuable lesson of life. But NO, I got the total: Don't you ever speak to my child like that again.
Meanwhile, the cashier was so supportive of me and was so genuinely concerned I was ok. I appreciate her support. But I tell you this, I was not about to back down and cave and become a feeble little victim. Hell NO! I wasn't defensive, I was direct & spoke with no inflection of the voice. Get over yourselves over protective parents!
It makes me appreciate all the parents in our neighborhood and those who are in our lives. They are all so wonderful and do such a great job of raising their children, because I never ever have to think twice about children overstepping their boundaries as if they own the cul-de-sac! I love these parents! You are all rock stars!
So I will continue to move forward and continue to do my business as I see fit. I'm not going to be a heat seeking missile on the lookout for little kids touching my stuff, but I am mindful. I have to be. My immune system is thoroughly compromised. It's not my choice to be in this situation! Hello............. If I had it my way, I would have loved to have traded spaces with that woman any day of the week.
So, I'm just sayin............ This too shall pass, I know. But I had to get this out of myself. Tomorrow will be brighter, of course! How can it not? Right?
Can't wait till this is a memory from a long time ago.
Ciao, Ciao!
I guess honesty and being proactive and direct is something odd to her. I'm sure she was taken aback. Frankly, I don't give a crap. This is probably the first time I've EVER NOT apologized for something so direct. I was so shocked myself.
Now, understand, I, too, am a mom. I've been there and have done that... I'm not a know-it-all, but one thing I do know, it is MY responsibility to be the best parent I can/could be. If nothing else, the child just needed to be made aware and to learn a valuable lesson of NOT touching other people's things. But in this case, of course, I'm being very proactive regarding trying to keep germs as much at bay as possible.
Oh, yeah, and for those who feel I shouldn't be in public at all: Kiss my grits! Just kiss it! I have every RIGHT to be a part of the human race and to conduct business as usual whenever possible! I'm not going to hide just because I may make some individuals uncomfortable out there. If nothing else, it's time in 2011 that people understand there are millions of people out there that are dealing and fighting back away from cancer.
I guess my point is this: Those of you who have children, please be mindful to teach your children and remind them to be respectful of others if they are "different."
I know I am sensitive right now. What a week so far. But as I stood there continuing with my transaction, this woman -- this mother -- tried to stare me down. As if I'm going to engage with her and her "ego issue" regarding her poor little boy. First off, he's not a poor little boy. Children have an amazing way of understanding quickly. They are sharp as tacks. We under-estimate their abilities at times, I think. They are not going to melt if we look or speak to them in a manner that is not filled with melodic sounds. For heaven's sake! Please! I can't expect others to be as sensitive to other's feelings, but all I know is this would have been a perfect opportunity for that woman to have shown him a valuable lesson of life. But NO, I got the total: Don't you ever speak to my child like that again.
Meanwhile, the cashier was so supportive of me and was so genuinely concerned I was ok. I appreciate her support. But I tell you this, I was not about to back down and cave and become a feeble little victim. Hell NO! I wasn't defensive, I was direct & spoke with no inflection of the voice. Get over yourselves over protective parents!
It makes me appreciate all the parents in our neighborhood and those who are in our lives. They are all so wonderful and do such a great job of raising their children, because I never ever have to think twice about children overstepping their boundaries as if they own the cul-de-sac! I love these parents! You are all rock stars!
So I will continue to move forward and continue to do my business as I see fit. I'm not going to be a heat seeking missile on the lookout for little kids touching my stuff, but I am mindful. I have to be. My immune system is thoroughly compromised. It's not my choice to be in this situation! Hello............. If I had it my way, I would have loved to have traded spaces with that woman any day of the week.
So, I'm just sayin............ This too shall pass, I know. But I had to get this out of myself. Tomorrow will be brighter, of course! How can it not? Right?
Can't wait till this is a memory from a long time ago.
Ciao, Ciao!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I spoke too soon
Maybe it's fate and maybe it's karma -- either way, I, apparently spoke too soon when I stated all is going well. This morning about 5:15am I woke up with a very sore left elbow. As I focused in on joint, I could see my vein was popped up -- the vein where my chemo IV drip had been placed. My joint, too, was swollen and sore to the touch. So without hesitation, I got out of bed and began my "checklist" of possibilities as to what was going on with my body. I had been warned that if this ever happened, I would need to contact the doc ASAP. Being the good little soldier, I did as I was told after I deduced this was not a good thing.
My oncologist contacted me back and we agreed I would be coming into his office just as soon as I could get there -- in La Jolla. I was instructed to take 2 aspirin, which I did.
I get to the office and Dr. B took a good look at my arm and told me he knows this is pretty superficial and that I have phlebitis. I will need to keep heat on it for the next 24 hrs and that it could possibly stay in this situation for at least 2 weeks. Hey, what's another 2 weeks, right? GEEEEEEE!!!! For Heaven's Sake! Yumpin-Yiminy!
My doc does believe that I may be susceptible to blood clots and will have to have a special test taken at my 5th chemo appointment to determine this. And this is very, very important to know since I will be having major surgery in August. Hey, I would have never known this had I not gone through chemo, right? I will be checking in with my mom to find out family history as to blood clots or not.
I ask for prayers. I must say, even though this is not life-threatening and it could be so much worse, I felt like I was kicked in my gut today. I did experience some major emotion inside and just wanted to unleash from a mountain ridge one big heartfelt scream of frustration. I know, I know, I'm very lucky and have been pretty lucky so far, but these little issues that keep cropping up are frustrating. I think that is the "perfectionist" in me that comes out periodically. I want things to go "right." I want it to be mundane. But I guess, there is nothing mundane about we Johnsons! I am one special little entity.
This is teaching me and I must learn something from it -- understanding, patience, humility?
Ok. Once again, I am open for the learning aspect of this journey. It's keeping me in check, that is for sure!
So here I sit, yet again, keeping the heat on my popped up vein and being good. I'm trying to do what I need to do to get over this hiccup in life. I ask for prayers and good thoughts and all that can keep me safe from further little complications. I will get through this and try to maintain my half-cup status as much as possible!
I will keep rolling on forward and defy this situation! Tomorrow, I'm taking a long walk for me in order to get this frustration out of my system! So there! Cancer: you've met your match! I will rise above this YOU and I will Smile back at you and know I have conquered and squashed your evil!
Ciao!Ciao!
My oncologist contacted me back and we agreed I would be coming into his office just as soon as I could get there -- in La Jolla. I was instructed to take 2 aspirin, which I did.
I get to the office and Dr. B took a good look at my arm and told me he knows this is pretty superficial and that I have phlebitis. I will need to keep heat on it for the next 24 hrs and that it could possibly stay in this situation for at least 2 weeks. Hey, what's another 2 weeks, right? GEEEEEEE!!!! For Heaven's Sake! Yumpin-Yiminy!
My doc does believe that I may be susceptible to blood clots and will have to have a special test taken at my 5th chemo appointment to determine this. And this is very, very important to know since I will be having major surgery in August. Hey, I would have never known this had I not gone through chemo, right? I will be checking in with my mom to find out family history as to blood clots or not.
I ask for prayers. I must say, even though this is not life-threatening and it could be so much worse, I felt like I was kicked in my gut today. I did experience some major emotion inside and just wanted to unleash from a mountain ridge one big heartfelt scream of frustration. I know, I know, I'm very lucky and have been pretty lucky so far, but these little issues that keep cropping up are frustrating. I think that is the "perfectionist" in me that comes out periodically. I want things to go "right." I want it to be mundane. But I guess, there is nothing mundane about we Johnsons! I am one special little entity.
This is teaching me and I must learn something from it -- understanding, patience, humility?
Ok. Once again, I am open for the learning aspect of this journey. It's keeping me in check, that is for sure!
So here I sit, yet again, keeping the heat on my popped up vein and being good. I'm trying to do what I need to do to get over this hiccup in life. I ask for prayers and good thoughts and all that can keep me safe from further little complications. I will get through this and try to maintain my half-cup status as much as possible!
I will keep rolling on forward and defy this situation! Tomorrow, I'm taking a long walk for me in order to get this frustration out of my system! So there! Cancer: you've met your match! I will rise above this YOU and I will Smile back at you and know I have conquered and squashed your evil!
Ciao!Ciao!
Monday, June 13, 2011
So Far So Good since 4th Chemo
I'm pretty amazed at the progress so far since Chemo #4. I've had my "new plan of attack" since discussing with my oncologist and chemo nurse what has been been going on with me by the 4th day after chemo treatments. I guess it's just too easy for words: keep yourself flushed out! Keep it flowing! DUH! Wow, what a difference.
Of course, when one has chemo administered into their bodies, it's certainly not a warm and fuzzy feeling as it does it's job. It's there to seek out and destroy as I've come to visualize.
Sunday was one of those days. My goodness, I felt sloggy all over again even though I feel ahead of the intestinal game. So sad I have to find little triumphs somehow even if it means discussing my bowels. LOL. Go figure. That's what keeps life interesting, right? I guess no one can say I'm boring. That is one thing I promised my hubby 28 years ago -- he would NEVER EVER be bored with me. I think I've kept my end of that bargain.
I felt so proud of myself today because I was able able to cook up a huge stock pot of chicken noodle soup. I have come to completely rely on this basic staple. There is nothing easier or healthier than to cook your own chicken noodle soup. It is the soup of the soul. Even the chemo can't ruin the flavor! There's a triumph! out-maneuvering the chemo. I think I'm getting pretty feisty about finishing up and succeeding past this chemo. All I know is I have only 2 more treatments! Dear GAWD, 2 more. I can and will do this and then I can gear up for my major surgery.
I'm already gearing up. I have to. I have been for weeks now. I think one thing that surprises me the most is the different stages I've been going through for this preparation of surgery. I knew I had it all intellectualized already. But then other factors have come into play now -- emotional, physical, future self-realization, spiritual, psychological, etc. It's starting to hit me in different ways. I'm taking it as it comes. Sometimes it's through a lot of tears. Once again, it's not because I'm losing my breasts; it's due to change -- forever change -- one more step of my journey. I'm feeling like I'm always changing right now -- which is true. I guess I feel I can't get my footing under me. One thing happens,then the next, the next and the next follows. Ok. I'm flexible, but please, let me breathe. And I find it so funny that I'm feeling this way, because I've always been that type of person, I can change and be flexible on a dime. I've had to do this most of my professional life as well as while being a mom, you're forever changing on a dime, right? Well, now, I'm wanting to slow this process down a bit. I need to be able to absorb. Perhaps, I'm learning about my patience -- learning not to do the knee-jerk reactions that so often happen in our daily lives. I'm a newby in the change of this cancer lifestyle. I also said it out loud again to my family the other day as well as to a friend: I want this cancer out of me. That is my truth still. Please, God, take it out of me! But the chemo is working and I know the "shrinkage" is my new best friend. Contrary to old episodes of Seinfeld, SHRINKAGE is great for me concerning my tumors!
Gotta love it.
I'm starting to go down the road of exhaustion right now. It's funny how it suddenly hits and my brain gets foggy and weak. Now is the time to exit out of this blog. My cup's still half full, it's just a little too full for it's own good if you know what I mean.
Keeping up the faith and doing all I can to get through this any way I can!
Ciao, ciao!
Of course, when one has chemo administered into their bodies, it's certainly not a warm and fuzzy feeling as it does it's job. It's there to seek out and destroy as I've come to visualize.
Sunday was one of those days. My goodness, I felt sloggy all over again even though I feel ahead of the intestinal game. So sad I have to find little triumphs somehow even if it means discussing my bowels. LOL. Go figure. That's what keeps life interesting, right? I guess no one can say I'm boring. That is one thing I promised my hubby 28 years ago -- he would NEVER EVER be bored with me. I think I've kept my end of that bargain.
I felt so proud of myself today because I was able able to cook up a huge stock pot of chicken noodle soup. I have come to completely rely on this basic staple. There is nothing easier or healthier than to cook your own chicken noodle soup. It is the soup of the soul. Even the chemo can't ruin the flavor! There's a triumph! out-maneuvering the chemo. I think I'm getting pretty feisty about finishing up and succeeding past this chemo. All I know is I have only 2 more treatments! Dear GAWD, 2 more. I can and will do this and then I can gear up for my major surgery.
I'm already gearing up. I have to. I have been for weeks now. I think one thing that surprises me the most is the different stages I've been going through for this preparation of surgery. I knew I had it all intellectualized already. But then other factors have come into play now -- emotional, physical, future self-realization, spiritual, psychological, etc. It's starting to hit me in different ways. I'm taking it as it comes. Sometimes it's through a lot of tears. Once again, it's not because I'm losing my breasts; it's due to change -- forever change -- one more step of my journey. I'm feeling like I'm always changing right now -- which is true. I guess I feel I can't get my footing under me. One thing happens,then the next, the next and the next follows. Ok. I'm flexible, but please, let me breathe. And I find it so funny that I'm feeling this way, because I've always been that type of person, I can change and be flexible on a dime. I've had to do this most of my professional life as well as while being a mom, you're forever changing on a dime, right? Well, now, I'm wanting to slow this process down a bit. I need to be able to absorb. Perhaps, I'm learning about my patience -- learning not to do the knee-jerk reactions that so often happen in our daily lives. I'm a newby in the change of this cancer lifestyle. I also said it out loud again to my family the other day as well as to a friend: I want this cancer out of me. That is my truth still. Please, God, take it out of me! But the chemo is working and I know the "shrinkage" is my new best friend. Contrary to old episodes of Seinfeld, SHRINKAGE is great for me concerning my tumors!
Gotta love it.
I'm starting to go down the road of exhaustion right now. It's funny how it suddenly hits and my brain gets foggy and weak. Now is the time to exit out of this blog. My cup's still half full, it's just a little too full for it's own good if you know what I mean.
Keeping up the faith and doing all I can to get through this any way I can!
Ciao, ciao!
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