DAY BEFORE LAST CHEMOTHERAPY

TODAY is the day BEFORE my last chemo.  I hope this will be forever meaning I never ever have to go through this process again in my life.  I'm banking on it.  I'm only thinking positive thoughts. I have to -- I must!  This is where I am becoming the warrior so many have said I already was.  Until now, I haven't felt this determined -- this committed -- this intense in beating this thing.  I know I have been doing all I can to fight back in my way.  I've been LOVING this cancer to it's death. I've been pushing it diligently out of my body the best way I have been learning -- through prayer, meditation, constant positive affirmations, through sense of humor and only being around loving people.

One of the greatest comforts I've had has been  my listening outside of my home to the voices of all the children in my neighborhood playing, laughing, yelling at one another, their constant great YOUNG energy.  I found myself giggling, laughing out loud at times because they give me hope.  They fuel me with life's great energy.  They are fresh and free and enjoying their childhood -- whatever it may be -- they are living. And that's exactly what I want to continue to do myself.  I want my life back and to continue to grow more and more as a person (hopefully, a good person -- bettering myself).

Through this process, I have found out who truly loves me.  I have found out who are my TRUEST of friends.  I thank you so much.  Yes, I have been disappointed by only a couple, but they have their reasons, I'm sure.  But the bottom line is this:  those who have shown themeselves to me are so much more important and are worth getting the best of the best in return.  It's been said you find out who your true friends are in times of trouble -- I never knew I was so loved.  It's humbling and overwhelming.  I have people praying for me all over the world.  Literally ALL over the world.  It's humbling.  Once again, I don't know how to thank them all.  I guess I do it through my prayers as well. 

Tomorrow at 10:30am - 1pm I will be at my oncologist's office being administered my chemo for the last time! There won't be a big fanfare but I will be meditating and praying and doing my best to allow this substance for the last time to be administered into my body.  As it flows through me, I will be visualizing my little space invader ships doing their best to kill off the last of those nasty little cancer cells!  They are killing them dead.  They must be considering what I have been experiencing in my body.  Even though I've had serious side effects, it will be worth it in the longrun.  Once again, I do my daily body checks.  I cannot for the life of me feel or find the cancer tumor under my left arm.  I cannot find it.  I've had Jim try to find it.  He cannot find it either!  WHHOOAAA!!!! Also, the same in my left breast.  I cannot feel the mass the way it was.  It has shrunk overall.  My breast is back down to almost the same size as my right breast. There is a slight difference in size, but OMG, it's so reduced!  My left breast is very pliable and soft where it hasn't been forever.  Tears do come to my eyes because I know in my heart of hearts I am beating this thing.  Yes, I continue to be cautiously optimistic, but I have to allow myself to get excited at the prospect that this cancer is contained.  I just "feel" it.  I know it to be true.

I cannot fathom that any other cancer is surviving elsewhere in my body.  I cannot accept that it will survive due to the fact chemo has been so toxic everywhere else.  I pray for CLEAR PATHOLOGY. It will be. It will be.  It will be.......................

Tomorrow I will be driven down to Scripp's and will walk in with my dignity in tow -- I will also have my prayer shawls, special spiritual trinkets that make me feel comforted and will go through what I need to in order to continue on my journey forward.  I am ready for my surgery on August 29.  But first things first. I must finish this...........I will with my head held higher than normal and my step lighter than light!

Oh, yeah, bring it on!  Can't keep a good girl down! (what song? or is that even the correct words? Sounds good...LOL!) 

Oh, yes, I have to acknowledge I just uploaded few more pics because I finally figured it out as to HOW TO UPLOAD pictures onto my blog.  I'm so proud of myself.  Anyway, this is the good, back and the ugly truth as to how I have changed.  It is what it is...My face is full from the Chemo. I've been told I will deflate.  I have a few eyelashes & eyebrow hairs left but should be interesting to see if I lose the rest. You should see me trace around my eye's with make-up.  Hilarious, but I still do it.  LOL. Gotta laugh!

I love you like no other, Jim, for telling me today on our lunch date how  much more you love my chocolate brown eyes even though I'm without lashes! When I saw your tears welling up, you melted me. You still give me that feeling in my tummy when I see you drive up or walk in the door. We are a couple of sappy people who refuse to give up on each other; you are the love of my life: THROUGH GOOD TIMES & BAD; IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH!! I love you FOREVER! The world now knows this.......SWAK!

Yes, my Cup is Half FULL.  So long CHEMO!

Ciao! Ciao!

One Week before LAST CHEMO

For the last 5 days I've been feeling very strong.  I have taken myself off sleeping pills to aid me at night.  I'm sleeping much deeper and am able to dream once again, which is a good thing for me.  I wake up well-rested and have started walking my dog, Woody, again out into a field beyond my neighborhood.  I don't as far as I have prior to chemo, but at least I am walking more vigorously than I have been.  It feels good to sweat because of good exertion.

My digestion continues to be a normal level which is a great thing for me overall.  I have had no issues with heatburn which was pretty bad at the beginning of the 4th chemo, but have been able to watch the types of foods and liquids I've been ingesting.  Surprisingly enough, I took a chance last night and went for Mexican food at a little restaurant in my daughter's town.  I had a chili relleno and little rice and beans.  I'm sure some are horrified to think I would try such a plate -- but I did.  I was craving a good chili relleno and this particular restaurant:  La Unica in Lake Elsinore has amazing food.  All authentic and  freshly made.
DEE-LISH!!! It is so wonderful to be able to TASTE the flavors.  Sometimes during chemo patients will lose a sense of taste or things become very metallic tasting.  My tastebuds have never gone to the metallic side, but have been very dulled and  flavors are distorted.  These days, I'm seemingly back to a sense of norm which is so exciting for me.  That was my great dining experience for the night.  But I won't do this often, but it felt good to be able to enjoy something I truly love. 

I've still been taking rests when needed but I've noticed, once again, that I don't have to nap or drink as much fluid as I was needing.  I'm still well-hydrated, but I'm not adding the extra because my body is not requiring it. One thing that is apparent, one must always listen to what their body is telling it needs.  I've always been listening, but of course, through this process, it's been most imparative to do so -- if not, I have paid the consequences.  I don't like to do that, so I continue to learn. 

I was checking my underarm last night and still cannot find the tumor.  So I'm pretty excited about what the chemo has done, but more than that, I'm sure all the prayers and good thoughts and positivity has been helping as well.  I still get my feeling of big hugs coming my way.  I still know I'm being supported big time by something bigger than me. It's very comforting for me. 

Next week will be here soon enough.  It's such a double-edged sword for me.  I don't like the side effects from the chemo especially those first 4-5 days -- they are brutal -- but then again, it is my last one. I will get through this!  I pray this will be the last chemo I ever have.  I pray for clear pathology.  Some people have to go through another few chemos in some cases. I pray I'm not one of them. I pray with all my being that this will not be the case.  I pray for only CLEAR pathology!  One would think that this poison called Chemo could get it all, but one never knows. I pray my cancer is almost gone and/or dying quickly.  It will be gone after my bi-lateral mastectomy -- let it be contained and in a nice neat package for the surgeon to remove.  When I had my breast MRI results given to me, my surgeon had stated to me that it was "uncomplicated". My tumors were within the confines of my cystic tissue of the left breast -- I have to pray that it's still like this.  I do know the tumors within the breast are much smaller! I have to keep that forward motion of positivity to get me through this.  It's difficult at times.  Perhaps, I'm needlessly worrying -- I hope this is the case. I just have to hold onto the fact I'm in great hands, I'm healthy other than the cancer, I have a willingness to beat this and the most important thing of all:  I have LOVE all the way around me. With those odds, I don't see how I can go wrong.

For now, I continue to live my life freer than I have pretty much ever-- and I will move forward and cross that bridge soon enough.  I once again continue to ask for prayers and positivity and great energy to come my way and to my family.  It's all felt and greatly appreciated.  I thank my God everyday for all the LOVE I feel -- and I do feel it.  THANK YOU!

My cup's half full!

Ciao, Ciao!

Surviving Chemo #5

This is going to be a relatively short blog today.

Today is the first day (one week after chemo #5) that I feel semi human like.  It's been a tough 7 days.  I thought I have experienced true darkness weeks ago, but apparently not.  Never have been so low (depression wise) in my entire life.  It's not me. Totally not me, but it's happened.  Chemo is a challenge beyond all others from what I've heard and read. Now, I have firsthand knowledge it's nothing short of AWFUL -- FRUSTRATING AND NIGHTMARISH.  This go-around I have been feeling like a bubbling tarpit.  There is no other way to explain it for me currently.  Heartburn doesn't suffice in the description -- it's just this percolation inside my body.  Lovely visual, but maybe that's what we all need to see and understand. 

There is good news:  One more CHEMO!  One more.  I obviously will do this, but I know I will succeed in beating this damnable Cancer.  I just have to.  There are no other options for me.  Maybe unrealistic for some, but not for me. 

I pray so much especially these days -- amazing gifts I'm being granted. 

Speaking of amazing gifts:  I met my soon-to-be plastic surgeon yesterday in La Jolla.  I did not want to be there. My emotional state of mind was not where it needed to be.  But I had the appointment and I must go if I want to get prepared for reconstructive surgery along with my mastectomy.  This man, Scott Barttelbort, is such an amazing person.  He is premiere in his field, understands women with Cancer because he specializes in reconstructive surgery.  We were in consultation for over an hour -- right down to the hellish pictures that were needed to be taken -- oh, well, add it to the list.......... Never, have I been in such an elegant and upscale doctor's office -- he's done well obviously and makes it very, very easy for his patients.  My gown was a spa robe -- no paper here!  LOL!!

At this point my very over-simplified discussion with Scott was this:  It will take about a year for my particular reconstructive surgeries to take place.  I will explain in more detail later as to what I will be going through, but suffice it to say, I'm in for the haul.  He told me and assured me that he will hold my hand through this whole process and that he will give me back Lynn WHOLE.

Needless to say, I got emotional about this whole consultation.  It's going to happen. It's coming up relatively soon. Time is going relatively quickly. 

Like Dr. B stated:  We want CLEAR Pathology -- that is the priority here!  That's what I dream of. That is what I want and require.  I'm all about goals -- this is my goal -- CLEAR PATHOLOGY!!!

Gotta quit for now.  Need to rest.  This feeling of being miserable suddenly hits so I will conitnue later.

I continue to please ask for PRAYERS, GOOD ENERGY and POSITIVE THOUGHTS.

This Cup is Half Full, just need a rest........................

Ciao, Ciao

Post Chemo #5

I hope everyone's 4th of July was fun and relaxing.  Down in Southern California it was certainly HOT, HOT, HOT!   I, myself, stayed covered up in the house in the air conditioning.  I, personally, do not like to live in air conditioned situations, but I had no choice.  It was way too hot for my body and considering the chemo, it makes my body that much more sensitive to changing temperatures.

This time around with the chemo has been most challenging.  I cannot believe how wiped out I am.  I mean beyond being hit by a Mack Truck.  Saturday I was in bed almost all day.  I am very much aware of my body's needs now and am doing the best to listen to it; otherwise, I do believe I will pay the wrong kind of price for my stubborness.  Don't want to go down that road at all.  I have spoken of the "mushy" head feeling or the "no sense of concentration."  This time it seems to be doubled that amount.  Wow. I didn't realize it could or would get any more intense to this extent.  Wait a minute, maybe theoretically I have heard and read that the chemo can compound on top of one another, etc.  This is simply awful. At this point, I have one more treatment after this one to go and I pray to God that it won't get any worse, but I somehow I think it might get worse. 

My skin is so very dry from our climate. My water retention is awful.  The doc had to place me on a diuretic for a short period of time to eliminate the 6 lbs that I have retained since the last chemo!  That's a lot of water!  So I pee a lot which is par for the course at the point.  My attitude is this:  So what?  Just add it on.  The diuretic is giving me great relief from the water retention especially in my hands, arms all over body.  My face has been pretty flushed -- chemo related and heat related.  I have a huge glass of water or some fluid with me at all times.  I never deviate from my fluids.  I also am very mindful of the fact that this diuretic can wipe out good bacteria in my body so I have to make sure I'm replacing it with the potassium that I am losing   -- not through pills.  My poor body is already working overtime processing the chemo, so I replace through diet and that means eating lots of foods high in potassium.

My emotions are all over the page currently.  Not crying but just too much up in my head.  I have so much time to lay around a process and think.  Not so sure this is a good thing. I try to read, but like I stated earlier, I have no concentration.  My words go into the great abyss!  They disappear. This chemo brain is something else.  I have a friend who is always so concerned about her memory issues; well, don't mean to be doing the one-upsmanship, but please, chemo brain is BAAAAAD!   I've been calling it "Mash Potatoe Brain" this weekend.  It fits very well.

My sleep pattern is very deep -- I really go into a deep sleep once I'm there.  I find it remarkable how my body will sink deep into my mattress.  My body is working so hard to get well. All I can do is go with it.
I still find the irony in the drugs -- chemo-- how it works, but it's so toxic and horrible for the body. Meanwhile, the cancer just lays there quietly doing it's thing.  Really creepy for me. So I try very hard not to think about it. I have to think on the positive side of things otherwise I would be in constant panic mode and that is very counter-productive.

On the 4th of July, I stayed in bed yet again. My body is being kicked beyond belief. It's really frustrating and challenging.  It truly makes me feel like this will be always. When will I feel the strength recharge my body?  I do state my affirmations I have been working on to help me cope.  It's so hard to communicate all the stuff that is happening at one time to people around you. Then you attempt to try to communicate this to others and I might as well be talking about rocket science with them because it goes in one ear and directly out the other.  I can't expect anyone to understand.  They have not a clue!  Not a clue.  How can they unless they've been down this road? I guess I hope that maybe someone will have a little empathy. Learn empathy and understanding.  But at this point, I keep it generic because no one understands truly. 

I did get out of the house for about 15 minutes last night to join in the festivities of the neighborhood. What a nice group of people and their children. I feel very blessed.  It was so wonderful to watch what the kids were doing as far as their activities. They were all painted up and having so much fun celebrating the day. That's what it's supposed to be about -- the joy of family and friends. I loved their little voices and their laughter.  It gave me such hope and took away my isolation even if it were for a shirt period of time.  I'll take it.  After awhile, my body gave way and I needed to get back to bed.  Oh, if I could scream, but it would take way too much energy to do so -- so I won't scream. 

I was up a lot last night waundering the house. I ended up on a couch in the living room trying to think positive thoughts and get out of my funk.  I ended up finding myself ultimately completely turned around in my bed. I was sleeping opposite of how I began -- my feet were placed where my head should be -- hilarious.  Oh, well, whatever works.  It doesn't matter -- does it really?  As long as I'm sleeping and resting.

So far this morning I'm functioning but with lack-luster. At least I'm up and trying to move and get some circulation going. It's very muggy outside so I'll be mindful. The dogs, including my daughter's 2, are all about the adventure of this new day. They've got their agenda going on - sniffing every conceiveable nook and cranny around the house and property.  Meanwhile, I'll make the effort to move forward somehow.  My goal:  To listen to my body's cues.  To keep my fluids up and to eat cleanly. 
I pray at all times I will get through this.  I WILL get through this.  I WILL!!! I don't wish this process on anyone.  It could be worse!  It could be. I'm convincing myself a lot today. It's just one of those day's, I guess.

The Cup's Half Full and learning more and more.

Ciao, Ciao!

#5 Chemo FInished! One more to go!!!!

Today I had my 2nd to last chemo treatment.  Thank God! But getting there, I sure had my typical preparation issues I've had pretty much with each and every chemo...........I get very "heady" and think about what I could experience or may not experience -- since I have these vein issues, it's been stressful for me to just walk in and accept all that is happening with each and every insert of the needle into yet another different vein. It's not the doctor's fault NOR the oncology nurse's fault.  It's the chemo!  It such toxicity going into my veins.  So I anticipate, which is crazy. 

It's the control freak in me, once again.  I use different positve affirmations reminding myself this is something I cannot control.  All will work out; this medicine will do it's job in the cells it needs to work on -- which it has.  So I manage to get myself in a place of serious thoughts; but thank goodness as we drive down to La Jolla I always have the music blaring to tunes that make me motivated or relaxed.  It really depends where I'm at with my emotions at that moment.  I'm an ecclectic music lover -- it can be from head-banging music to major melodic sounds.  Who knows with me.  But whatever it takes, we play.

By the time I arrive, I'm focused and somewhat relaxed. But once I have the opportunity to visit with the office staff and my "core team" I'm good to go. I can really relax in the environment I get to have my chemo. I have windows to look out and the chairs are very comfy; it's very clean and sedate, which I need. I also bring with me very pivotal special items with me each and every chemo treatment.  I have my prayer shawl, my special coins, spiritual stuff.  It brings me support.  Each of us have our way of dealing with our stresses. This has worked for me. I also bring my computer, phone (which I only text with. I don't call during chemo).  I have choices to read books, etc.  But honestly, I have no sense of concentration of words for any length of time so I look at magazines when I feel like it.

I get to recap what my last 3 weeks have been like with the doc and nurse while the nurse is administering all the plethora of drugs into my body. (via the IV)  I cannot tell you how important it is for me to be able to download all this information to the nurse and doc and confirm that this is all part of the process with chemo.
 
I did have a lot of water gain this last chemo -- 6 lbs to be exact!  SUCKS BIG TIME.  So I will be using a diuretic for the next month, which is temporary.  Thank goodness. I will have to up my potassium levels with my foods, which is no problem. A lot more fruits and fruit juices.  I have cut out the Gatorade even though I water it way, way down. Still has too much sodium for my body. That's fine, I can add organic fruit juices to my water to keep it interesting. But I drink so much water now, but I will conitnue to keep that priority drink number one.

Doc told me we will need to revisit me being able to travel up to my home town after my last chemo cuz he wants me to have my surgery within 3 - 4 weeks (no longer).  That blew the wind out of my sales somewhat, but I understand.  I have to get this cancer out of me soon.  I don't want to be resting on my laurels and I certainly don't want to give Cancer a chance to invade any other locations.  I will have to have a CAT scan before surgery in order for the surgeon to map out all the locations they will need to either surgically remove cancer or check out for further infiltration of cancer. (A huge pill to swallow thinking about it.  Kind of freaks me out, but it's necessary. duh.) 

I brought up the subject of radiation and we had a pretty frank discussion as to what I will need.  I get the honor of having radiation for 6 weeks -- 5 days a week.  Yup, intense.  He has only about 3 radiation doctors that he "trusts".  I will most likely go to a doc out of Vista -- love that area.  We will discuss further realities, but that's where I may end up. But we'll see.  I have not been misguided by my docs whatsoever and I want and require the best medical treatment possible -- also considering my level of cancer.  No playing around with this.  But I must say, I didn't freak out at all, but I can see how this is going to beat the crap out of me.  6 weeks -- 5days a week.  YIKES!!  I've been told radiation can kick you in the butt even more so than chemo.  But the good news is, at least I know what areas now will be radiated.  My chest, my left breast area, my axillary and possibly up by my neck area.  But we'll see on that one.  A lot.  A lot.   My prayers continue to get bigger.  Oh, well, I need prayer. So back to the here and now.

Over the next 4 days are my days of sloggy feeling and fatigue; but one never knows how I will truly feel, but have learned to be prepared for the worst.  By Monday, I'm at the mercy of my body's mechanics but I think I have this finally conquered. 

I pray and pray and pray my veins hold up for the last 2 chemos.  At least I know if something goes awre I will have the tools to use with the contrast therapy with ice/heat  for 25 minutes total.  That really helped with this phlebitis this last chemo. 

My family is kicked into healing mode right now and are doing their tag-team roles amazingly well! I love them so much and cannot thank them enough for their constant love and support. My youngest daughter will be arriving in August and I cannot wait for her arrival as well as the arrival of her hubby  a few weeks later.  I will feel very complete and ready to face my surgery knowing they are all present.   Like I've said prior, I cannot do this alone.  I don't know how many women out there do it. They are my heroes. The inner strength to carry on no matter what.  The relying on oneself!  You are the rock stars to me.  My prayers include YOU in my prayers. 

One story I must share -- a short one.

Yesterday I had finished my PT therapy for my right arm.  I was leaving the bathroom and coming out the door entering into the waiting room. There stood a little, skinny, very sick/cancer patient wearing her mask and completely BALD like me. She had the longest scar on her little tiny, skinny arm I think I have ever witnessed.  Our eyes locked.  I mean LOCKED.  Immediate smiles -- I could see her eyes turn hopeful.  She waived the cutest waive with her little fingers at me.   I said a rather loud and spontaneous gleeful, "HI THERE!"  It was like seeing a long-lost friend.  We were immediately bonded for that moment in time cuz of our "likeness."  I told her I hope she will do well.  She just nodded. 

At that very moment as I walked out, I felt such emotion and overwhelming pain in my heart and soul. No child should have to experience this Cancer  or any serious illness.  Children have such an amazing understanding that WE adults need to remind ourselves to listen to.  They accept and conquer. I may never see her again, but for that moment I understood her situation.  I just wanted to take her into my arms and hold her -- maybe cry together, maybe not; but I wanted to tell her all will be ok and  you are loved! I will always remember her and I will reflect back and remember to keep my issues in perspective.  This was no accidental meeting -- my angels and my God are working very diligently to remind me:  Lynn, you will be ok; and my life is coming back to me soon enough. Always keep hope and love and gratitude in one's heart.

Wow, I my Cup's Half Full and I'm listening!!!

PS:  HAPPY 4TH OF JULY UNITED STATES!!!

Ciao, Ciao!

My Wedding Anniversary with Cancer present

Today is a great day even though I'm bald as an eagle; but it could be much worse.  Today Jim and I are celebrating our 28th wedding anniversary.  We are pretty proud of that fact and the fact that we still actually LIKE each other.  He's out golfing to begin his day -- which is a good thing since he is my caretaker and does a great job of tending to the majority of our daily stuff.......He's been my rock star as I have stated in previous blogs -- because it's all true.  Part of going through this whole journey is dealing with our relationships.  In my case, I'm happily married and we take our vows pretty seriously.  If there was ever a time in our relationship where we reflect back on those words of our vows, it's now.

"For richer or pooer; in SICKNESS and in HEALTH....."

It's never perfect being in a marriage. Yes, it is work. It's just not meant to be the type of work that is like pulling teeth -- but then again, I think some couples love the "friction" -- it keeps their marriage working. Doesn't work for me, but who's to say what works for one couple to the next. 

Jim and I are facing new challenges because of the cancer.  On one hand, it ticks me off we have to be in this situation; and on the other, it's brought us even closer than I could imagine.  It's rather interesting to me that in times of  major tribulations how  we all deal with our own stresses and if we want to face up to changes or not. I can only speak for me/us.  We most definitely have had major, and I mean MAJOR adjustments to our relationship.  I'm not the same -- plain and simple.  I resent that fact, but it's the truth. I see myself in a different way now, consequently, I don't "relate" in the same manner back to my husband.  We've had many a discussion through this process of cancer and chemo.  There is a lot of understanding involved.  I think it's been harder for me to come to this juncture because I've been so close with my husband.  I don't know where Jim gets his understanding.  He's so willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel whole or happy.  I cannot ask for more. I just don't understand how HE can be so understanding. He's my true love I have hoped for all my life -- and I am fortunate to have him right in front of me. With that, I try to honor him in any way I can. As an example,  I get the biggest kick out of being able to make him a breakfast or a lunch or dinner; I also enjoy being able to make him some espresso just the way he likes it.  I also want to be able to vacuum thet floors when I feel up to it.  He's always doing everything around this home of ours to make me be able to rest and relax more without unnecessary stress.  I have to say, in the beginning of all this craziness, I was so fiercely protective of what I could and could not do -- my independence, that I would fight him everytime he tried to help me with anything.  What a waste of energy!  All that did was make me more exhausted and frustrated.  I was the one that was having to step back and "allow" him to help me.  So crazy to think now why that was such a big deal.  But it is a big deal.  I wanted everything to be the same.  Guess, what? It's not. Life, once again, has changed forever.  Yes, I realize, on the other side of this journey, I will get my independence back, but while one is in this situation, all you want IS your life back.  But Jim patiently tends to what needs to be done and is glad to do so.  He is my blessing and I can't imagine loving any one person more (other than our girls, of course).

THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS.   Through this major test of our lives together he continues to show me daily how much he's committed to me and our lives together.  He could have run to the hills, which I have found many husbands do these days when they find out their "wife" or "partner in life" has breast cancer.  Even in 2011, this kind of rejection is going on.  So amazingly hard to wrap my brain around, but  I guess it takes all kinds of selfishness.

I also think that if it weren't for our faith and spiritual guidance, we would be lost in the hollowness that can come when you are dealt these set of circumstances. I cannot imagine not having HOPE, FAITH, LOVE, UNDERSTANDING and PATIENCE.  I know I still have a long way to go in the completeness of this journey but I am willing to learn.  Something good/great will come out of all of this.  I know this to be true. And I know it's not a Pie-in-the-sky kind of feeling either.  I just know...........

In the next 2 days I will be entering into my 5th Chemo -- I'm almost finished with Chemo!  THANK YOU GOD!! My next phase will be coming up, but for now, I will face the last 2 chemos head-on, I hope, with GRACE and DIGNITY which I had prayed for since the beginning.  I have lost the majority of my eyelashes this past 2 weeks; my eyebrows are so much thinner. My eyes are very teary always due to the Taxotere.  I see myself differently yet again.  It's funny how I can still walk by a mirror and take a glance, then another good, hard look and say to myself, "Who is that?"   It always cracks me up.  But, I admit, there are few times that I will look and get real tears in my eyes cuz I still can't believe this has happened to me and my family.......And once again I remember that there are so many others out there with so much worse. With so much MORE pain than mine/ours; with so much more heartbreak, etc.  So it snaps me back to reality and I then say a little prayer of THANKS and move past that stupid mirror.  I know I have to move forward and make the most of whatever my day is.  This is temporary and I will / we will get through this NO MATTER WHAT! I'm doing this in spite of what the Cancer wants out of me.  Like I've said other times, I will win this; I will conquer this and I will heal.  I feel everyone's prayers.  It's been very powerful -- what a feeling that embraces my body.  That's why I know I'm not alone.   THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART to all of you who do pray honestly and openly for me and my family.  It doesn't go unnoticed.
I pray so much I think my angels are a little tired of hearing me.  But maybe not.  The shrinkage still is happening in the tumors. 

Onward I say!  Let's move forward -- face #5 chemo on Thursday with the dignity and calm and positive energy I need to get through it only 2 more times.  A total of 6 treatments.  My final treatment is July 21!!!! I hope my veins can withstand just 2 more.  They will, I may be tracked up, but they will hold up.

Afterall, I am Lynn Johnson -- I'm too stubborn and willful and overly optimistic! And, Oh yeah, I don't like Cancer! I'm killing it with kindness, too!

I can honestly say My Cup's Half Full still and counting!  Please keep those prayers alive for us! 

Ciao, Ciao!

Just an update

It's been a week now since my left arm /chemo arm, that is, has had phlebitis.  What a week it's been.  It started out pretty slow getting my arm to stop hurting/aching and being overall "hot" to the touch. There has been swelling, too.  So much fun -- I don't wish this on anyone.  I don't wish any of this cancer walk on anyone for that matter.  But either way, it's just another facet in this journey.

I went to my Lymphodema PT this past Friday and she was so much help making careful suggestions as to how I might get relief on this left arm.  But we primarily had to focus on my right arm regarding my vein issue. Oh, yes, I still have that going on, but not in an emergency level.  My PT stated that I'm doing a good job at home with the exercises I have been given to "move" the excess fluid that is hanging around in my bicep tricep area of my right arm. My former "port" scar is doing well -- it also pliable and the color is getting more to a normal skin color now. By the PT performing the special "massage" she does, it takes away the tightness of the skin and gives great relief off the arm as far as the fluid pressure is concerned. 
It makes me relax a lot more which really helps my body out overall.  All these little imbalances is a domino effect and causes the heart to work harder.  That is another reason why I have to rest so much. But I am a very determined type person so I move forward as much as possible. 

My overall energy is getting better with each day.  I had a great day today and was able to hang out with my daughter and her "little sister" from Big Brothers /Big Sisters.  We went to a ceramic painting studio for a few hours which was so relaxing and fun plus a creative outlet. It felt nice to have a sense of normalcy for a few hours.  Love those times so much.

At one point I did get pretty overheated due to the fact the temperature was 94 degrees outside.  I even took my bandana off for a few minutes publicly!!! What a coming out party for my scalp.  Actually, it felt very natural for me to do so because I was so warm. There was another woman and her son sitting at another table -- they didn't seem to mind -- I didn't seem to mind either. All I knew was I needed to get cooled down.  I'm sure before this whole baldness is finished, I will be exposing my scalp several more times.  Once again:  It is what it is.  And I have to do what I need to in order to feel comfortable. 
When I came home from my outing, I was a smart person and had a lunch and then took a rest.  After the rest, which lasted about 1.5 hours, I was able to do my laundry and feel fine afterwards.  Everyday mundane duties are good gauges to let me know how I'm doing that particular day. Like I stated earlier in the blog, today was a good day. 

I can officially say, my Cup's Half Full again.  Yay.
Ciao, Ciao!