MRI TUESDAY

I had a very busy day, Tuesday.  I started out by going over to my plastic surgeon's office to fill out paperwork for my surgery, etc. Then off to my breast MRI.  That went well. I still cannot get over how LOUD those stupid machines are.  I envision some kind of engineer trying to figure out how they can develop a machine that can get into the psyche of a person's mind.  All those various sound levels and cranking sounds. So strange to me.  Why can they not make an MRI machine "do their thing" but without all those noises?  We do live in 2011; don't we?  Just wondering........... Anyway, getting back on track.................After the MRI, I went up into the "Tower" where my general surgeon resides to review with him my results of the MRI.  What's cool is that they have the ability to review results from medical tests on the Scripp's computer systems program almost immediately. It's very efficient.  

Oh, I should back up a bit and let all know Jim and I were greatly surprised Monday night by Amy arriving into the states and surprising us big time at Ashley's home!  Oh, yeah, I cried and laughed like a baby!  I've been wanting her to be here for so long and she's finally here!  They got us good!  Ashley arranged all this secretively for over a month now.  Sneaky, beautiful woman! Love her!  Anyway, Amy is here and we are back together! WE cannot wait for our son-in-law to arrive soon as well!  But for now, it's the 4 of us again!  So glad she can be here while all these preparations are going on and that we have a chance to catch up before surgery happens.

Back to the doc's visit...........

I'm waiting there along with my family and my doctor literally busts in the office exam room with his eyes bulging big time.  He states, "You have AMAZING RESULTS!" "I cannot believe these results; they are simply AMAZING!"  He went on to explain my tumors have shrunk so much that they are practically non-existent!  Of course, once again, I began to cry and laugh at the same time -- how that happens, I don't know, but what great news, right?  What phenominal news!  When you have a tumor in your axillary go from 5 cm to a mere small pea size, once gets excited!  My breast tumors are like little blips on the screen!  Incomprehensible!  The chemo did it's job and the PRAYERS AND POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS did the biggest job of all, we all believe!  But most of all the doc was beside himself. He is a very dignified person. He is always caustiously optimistic, reserved because they must be. He deals with the worst situations that come his way -- he can't be animated necessarily. But he was practically doing a jig in the office.  We all just hugged! Then we got back to the business at hand at preparation for my surgery. But because of the change in my tissues and circumstance, the surgery will change as to how they will deal with my removal of the affected areas.  I will be having another PET scan and Venous Doplar Study this week.  I'm curious to see if the spot that exists in my chest is gone now. Not sure if this will stop them from radiating that area -- probably not, but it will give me more a peace of mind that it may be gone.

I keep on saying my prayers and meditations and positive affirmations.  No matter what, I am going to beat this Cancer!  It cannot get Lynn Johnson!  It simply CANNOT!

Anyway, getting back to the doc exam.  He told us to come into this office to see the MRI images.  Wow, wow, wow!  I/we never saw the first set of images -- probably due to the fact I had been in such a shock type mindset and didn't even ask.  Neither one of us asked to see.  And I'm sooooooooooooo glad I didn't see my first set of images. It looked to me like a bad weather pattern coming across a region of land!  What a mass of destruction called Cancer.  Very scary stuff. I think it would have put me back emotionally, mentally, and physically!  Would have been counter productive for me. Not to say that anyone else wouldn't want to see their images, but for me, NO.  Now seeing the comparison images was great.  I could see the before and after chemo.  My tissues look so clear and clean with little and I mean LITTLE tumors.  And without all the other blurry tissue malformations.  All I could do was say to myself, "Thank you God! And Thank you ALL for those prayers!"  So profound and I cannot express this well enough.  I also have a sense of relief even though the cancer is still there.  Odd, I know, but in cases such as mine, prognosis can be very difficult. It doesn't always turn around this dramatically.  I have realized this from the beginning.  I knew this.  But one doesn't want to focus on that fact.  I want to focus on how to make this better and get well!  My goal has always been to grow very old with Jim and to enjoy our unborn grandchildren.  I also want to continue my travels around the US and the world.  I have a life I want to continue to live. I am living, but obviously not completely.  I'm working on that part.  None of us have guarantees. I get that, but I don't want Cancer in my life.  And I certainly don't want it to be the main concern in my life.  I still feel it's an unwelcomed intruder.  So it must go away.  And I do believe we are on the right path for that to become a reality!

Isn't this great news?  I'm so stoked!  I'm so hopeful and greatful for the way things are being handled.  One step at a time and not putting the cart before the horse.  I know I have a long way still, but it's looking bright!  And I'm going to enjoy that fact. 

I know I have a  huge surgery coming up. It's very daunting to me, but I can get through the physical aspect of it. I will wrap my brain around this process and do my part. I continue to need prayers and ask it of anyone who cares.  My family needs prayers. But I know we are being supported.  If we weren't, there would be another type prognosis happening now.  

Yes, Yes, Yes, my Cup's Half Full! More than ever!  LOL!! Will keep all posted as to the next few steps. I have my youngest daughter here to complete our little circle!  I'm so lucky to have the love of my family the way we love each other.  Good, bad and the ugly!  LOL!!

Ciao, Ciao! 

  

NO CHEMO THIS THURSDAY.....

I'm celebrating this day due to the fact I would usually have to have my chemo treatment on a Thursday morning -- every three (3) weeks.  But NOT TODAY!!!  Or ever again, I hope!(It's been exactly three weeks since my very last chemo!!!)    For some of you Half Empties out there, you might be saying, "Never say Never."  I get that..............but, I am embracing my freedom from chemo anyway I can! And the more I project that positive affirmation, the higher chances I know that I won't have to return!

My normal routine would be on Wednesday, I would start (unconsciously mind  you) to get a little more somber, quiet, heady and introspective.  I wouldn't engage in conversation as much just because I was thinking about what was to happen on Thursday morning -- how would my blood levels be; would I have another episode with an artery not wanting to cooperate; would I have phlebitus again; is the doc going to tell me he wants to extend chemo maybe another treatment or 2; has my tumors shrunk from the last chemo; am I going to be sicker this time.....I mean the list could go on and on. And I'm the positive person.  I'm the one that usually can figure out a better way to look at things, but I am also very human and cannot help but wonder.  I think it's part of this journey of discovery. 

I'm not so sure how well I have articulated all the side effects I've had.  I've gotten so used to telling myself, "Oh, well, this too shall pass." Or, "Ok, I can get over this hurdle. Cancer you suck so big!" OR, "Dear God in Heaven, please let me get through this... Just let me get through this..." 

But I'm not so sure it helps anyone to complain.  I don't mean to complain, but it happens to all, I guess.  How can you not get through something like this or any other illness or challenge in one's life without being human and vulnerable?  I hope to think I am a better person because of all of this.  I believe I am.  I certainly don't worry about the little things I used to.  I do have a lot more confidence in myself than I used to. Life has such a different flavor to it now.  I have my world currently that I'm inside of that many if not most of my loved ones around me or friends don't begin to really understand.  I can't expect them to.   I have no expectation of that.  I try to explain but it's difficult for people to understand "YOUR" perspective of how you see the world around you.  (not sure if that made any sense, but it's the honest to God truth from me.)

So I take moment by moment as needed.  I take day at a time as needed.  But the best thing now is NO CHEMO!

I am getting stronger everyday. My nails are awful looking because they have been greatly affected by the chemo. My toes are great (yay!).  And I have my tastebuds back!  Foods or drinks can taste a little weird at times -- depending on the foods and/or drinks, but for the most part I taste things very well. I have been so lucky not experiencing any kind of nausea!  Never did.  My hair is non-existent!  I'm bald as a que-ball!  I really don't mind oddly enough.  I continue to wear my scarves, hats and bandanas.  I don't cover up at home ever. I'm out in the yard protected, of course, but I walk outside bald and beautiful!  And I ALWAYS sport my earrings!  I also don't have many eyelashes or eyebrows.  I have one eyelash on my lower lid of my left eye! So sad.  It's an amazing thing why we have eyebrows and eyelashes.  Treasure that fact!  They protect us from so many particulates in the air not to mention the sun!  My eyes are forever watering. It looks like I'm always crying these days, which I am not. If nothing else I'm laughing  and smiling so much more. But another side effect is my "dry eye" issue which ironically produces my tearing action.  I always have my little Kleenex's with me at all times.  I especially look forward to the day when I can see my eyelashes growing back.  That will eliminate so many issues for me.  Onward as they say................

 I saw my plastic surgeon the other day and he was pleasantly surprised at how well I looked.  He was very animated about that fact.  He stated most people come into the office with their heads hanging lower than normal due to the effects of the final chemo.  I guess I'm the lucky one because I'm feeling so much better.  I'm trying to grab as much of that feeling as possible.  All I want is NORMAL -- whatever that means anymore.  I want to have a normal conversation that doesn't center around me and my cancer.  I want to be looked at as a normal human being that has regular feelings, perspectives, ideas, opinions just like EVERYONE else does.  I don't get shunned, but I do get treated differently when I'm out in public.  People can't help it.  I understand that now.  But I have a tendency to be bright and smiley (because that's how I'm feeling).  I really love being out of the  house and among the LIVING! So I guess that projects itself. I can't help it.  It's also an opportunity for me to change the face of Cancer somewhat, I guess.  It's a day by day process, and it's working.  I've always believed that when you smile at a person, somehow that can make a difference in a person's life even if it is as small as a smile. It's warm, simple, inviting and kind.  I like that very much.  I know how I feel when someone smiles at me.  It makes me feel warm in my heart.  It does make me feel relevent as well.  Not sure why, but a smile has always done that for me. 

I have begun to wake up from my funk of chemo so much that I think my family wishes I were a little less aware of my surroundings. I have a lot of questions now about why certain things are not done around the house or yard or garage or whatever.  So I must work on my over-zealous approach about issues.  Trying to make up for loss time doesn't help me or my family -- I'm working on that. 

I have begun little projects to keep me busy while I wait for my surgery.  I'm doing some sewing projects and, of course, my knitting and crocheting are my passions!  Gotta have a taste of yarn everyday no matter what is in the way. I cannot imagine not having my zen of knitting or crocheting in my life.  Kind of like not being able to have my dogs in my life or my family in my life.  I have to have my knitting/crocheting time.  Love it!

Next week I meet another time with the plastic surgeon for paperwork; the following week I have pre-op blood work at Scripp's Medical Center and an EKG test -- gotta make sure my heart is in fighting form! I will also have my breast MRI a few days later. This will show my surgeons (2 of them) how the tumors have shrunk and how contained they are and, of course, how much tissue they will ultimately have to remove.

 I have been a good little camper regarding my walking and doing my ab workout.  I still retain a lot of water due to chemo so my oncologist has put me back on the diuretic to relieve this water retention.  My body is such a sensitive body! Drives me nuts at times.  I'm not normal --- I've always known that one!  LOL!

Then my youngest daughter will arrive later this month before my surgery. I cannot wait for her arrival!  This will complete my circle!  We also have a wonderful lady arriving from France to be with me to work with me and my circulation. She is a Physical Therapist that has an amazing new technique.  I will heal quicker after my surgery and also help my overall circulation for my major organs.  She is an amazing woman and has helped many, many people in Europe. I'm very lucky to have her here with us for about 10 days. 

Monday, August 29 @ 7:15 am my surgery begins.  It may be 5 - 6 hours.  I am asking for prayers for me and my family as well as my team of doctors and nurses.  They and their staff especially need prayers so they will be on top of their game this day.  Pray for no hidden surprises. I feel in my heart of hearts this cancer is contained.  I still cannot feel my tumor in my armpit. They cannot find it as well, but the nodes must be removed as well as the tumors from my breast.  I am ready for the biggest challenge of my life. I think I've been through the worst part and that is the chemo, but to remove body parts is not taken lightly either.  All I want is to get this out of my body.  It's not as easy as some talk about to me -- this is a major surgery, but it must be done and I will then be able to truly begin the healing process.  After surgery, I have another hurdle and that is radiation.  Not sure when that will take place exactly, but it may be as soon as 3-4 weeks after surgery depending on how well I'm healing.  This is why I do ask for prayers.  Once again, I can't do this alone and I realize this.  The prayers and positive healing energy has been a big factor at how well I have been doing.  It's not all about the medicine.  It's about the faith, good positive attitudes, good energy and most of all LOVE. 

Once again, my Cup's Half Full and continuing on this healing journey. 

Ciao, Ciao!

One week AFTER LAST CHEMO....

It's a Sunday morning and it's actually raining outside in Southern California.  I'm rather happy about this fact considering we always need water down here. Plus I'm not a native to So. Cal.  I'm a NORCAL girl and I am used to the greenery of life.  So it's nice to be listening to the raindrops in the background.  It's started the day with the right tone.

Since I last wrote, I am finally happy to report I am getting my energy back and am beginning to be able to appreciate life better.  I'm not lying in bed any longer; I'm doing very basic chores around the house and have been out a couple times on outings for a couple hours at a time.

The other day my feet and legs and overall body were so swollen and feeling like it was "plugged up" in the sense of flexibility and lack of movement.  My daughter had told me about a Reflexology business she had heard about from a friend. So I said, "Let's do it.  Let's try this place out and see if it can give me some relief from this swelling and overall uncomfortable feeling."    Off we went.  I have never been in this type of business before so I didn't really know what to expect.  We were met by a nice man and he escorted us into what looked to me like a mini movie room that was dimly lit with a TV playing very quietly -- there were 2 very comfortable looking chairs with ottomans situated side-by-side. Ash and I sat in each chair and got ourselves comfortable.  It was a very clean environment.  Chairs were very comfortable as well.  We removed our sandals and waited for the techs to return.  The technicians came in with some herbal bath and placed our feet in them to soak for a few minutes.  Very nice.  They returned and then began a type of massage on our feet and up around our knees.  I wish I could state that it was really relaxing because that isn't the truth of the matter.  For me it was rather painful where he was applying pressure to my feet.  My feet felt really "congested" if that makes sense. They were so very tight. It felt like there were little pockets of built up tension that was being popped.  OMG, it go painful at one point that I had to have him stop for a couple seconds so I could catch my breath, but I knew in the end this would be ok.  So off he continued and eventually (30 minutes on one foot) he was finished with what I was trying not to call torture.  I was sitting there thinking to myself, "And I paid to have this done to me!"  Thereafter, my other foot had to undergo the same thing. My right foot didn't seem to be as "congested."  But it still had it's moments.  Before I knew it, it was over.  But I felt complete and utter RELIEF!  I've never had such relaxed feet, ankles and legs.  I wasn't jelly-like, but it was simply wonderful.  I slept so well that night as well. The biggest change was the next morning when I had reduced in inflammation size all over my body.  My arms had reduced, my belly, my neck and face -- all reduced in the swelling.  I had such relief all over.  Part of the chemo treatment is this awful swelling as you probably have seen by my pics I have posted.  And this last chemo treatment increased my swelling once again even more so.  But the relief in the swelling, I believe, with the reflexology helped. Of course, my water intake continues to be ongoing because I want to be well-hydrated and it aids with flushing out toxins.  So this is a method of relief I will continue with for the time being. 

I had a chance to do a little shopping at the local mall yesterday.  It was so fun to be among the living and doing something so very normal with others.  I hung in there for four hours!  I was very tired later, but it was worth ever second being able to get a few things done and have a sense of norm. 

My next goal for this next week and continuing forward is to get back to the gym slowly.  I need to get my aerobics restarted and to regain good heart health strength and blood flow.  All of this will help with the detoxification process of the chemo plus overall endorphins to be released to help me feel like my old self again.  I continue to eat very clean with lots of veggies and good proteins.  There are some teas I could be drinking more of to clean out my liver, kidneys and intestines, but that will come in due time. I have to pace myself a bit and not to do too much too soon.  I have learned a lot about pacing myself through this whole ordeal and I realize that learning process will never end because I still have so many challenges ahead.

I'm going to sit back today and do little projects I have been putting off due to my lack of energy and overall attention span. It's still raining out and I'm enjoying every minute of it. So cleansing! I guess symbolic for me just a bit --

I'm happy to report today my Cup's Half Full and fighting the fight in my way!  i continue to move in a forward motion of healing!

Ciao! Ciao!

PS.  My youngest daughter will be arriving in late August and I cannot wait!

Let's Drag this out....

I wish I could report that all is great in paradise, but the fact of the matter is I'm struggling right now getting through this last chemo treatment.  I did so well the first 2 days.  I must have been riding pretty high on the adrenaline from the fact this was my last treatment and the expectations of freedom from Chemo pulsating through my veins. 

My reality is I'm weak again, foggy beyond words and overall achy, sick feeling that I cannot describe to the degree that one would like, but suffice it to say, it really SUCKS!  I know, I know, I will get through this.... But LIVING through this is nothing I would wish on anyone. 

Thank goodness I can zone out and exist without feeling at times. Hard to imagine, but I can do that. 

I also do a lot of meditating which is a life saver.  There is nothing "heady" about this phase of chemo recooperation. You exist.  I'm so done with this right now. I'm sooooo done.  That's part of the mental aspect of this process. 

From what my family tells me, they have stated that this is the best I've been since this whole chemo treatment has started. The difference is that I don't want this any longer to be a part of my existence --- the treatments.  So with that, it causes me to be less than tolerant of pretty much everything.

I have noticed that my eyes are more teared than ever. I can hardly see -- one of the side effects of the chemo.  My hands are hotter than hot.  Not just warm -- I mean HOT to touch.  I'm very swollen all around my body and especially in my face. I'm fire-engine red around my face and neck area. My feet are swollen and HOT to touch.  My head is cool and hot from moment to moment; my throat from time to time closes up -- not sure why that's occurring but it is.  So these are just to name a few of the side effects I'm experiencing at the moment. 

The good news is I don't have to have another chemo treatment. I know I sound like a broken record stating that over and over again, but let me tell you -- until one has gone through something like this process, one has NO IDEA what one could have survived.  I'm so grateful for surviving this. I'm so eternally grateful.

Today, it's humid in my city so I will be laying in my bed resting and preserving my energy drinking my fluids and nibbling on what I need to get my nourishment.  I will meditate and think positive thoughts of Cancer being erradicated out of my body.  I will do what I need to in order to get stronger and stronger so I can get on with my life. Oh, how I yearn for my life back.  It will be here soon and I will be very welcoming as to how it all unfolds for me.  I know this whole ordeal isn't something in vane.  It can't possibly be in vane.  I feel this in my soul.   There is just so much love surrounding me. I feel it pretty much at all times. 

So that's what I have for now. Tomorrow will be another adventure of a day in the life of me -- how extraordinary, right?  LOL!!!  Not really, but it sure helps to write this down.  It's very cathartic for me.

My Cup's Half Full, just want this to move on.............

Ciao, Ciao

JULY 21, 2011 LAST DAY OF CHEMO --SUCCESS!

I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!

I SURVIVED MY LAST CHEMO!!!

Then I did the side kick into the air in my mind as I walked out of the office from my oncologist!

Perhaps, I should back it up a bit so I can describe to you what I experienced this last day.

Of course it was the regular blood draw to begin with so see what my blood levels were before we began. 

I asked for my results of my genetic test to find out if I have a tendency to clot or not because this would explain some of the reason why I have had the vein issues regarding the port placement, etc. 

Turns out I have one of the genes afterall. So they will have to be a little extra careful with me when I have my surgery in August for my bi-lateral mastectomy.

For some strange reason I'm not concerned. I now know and we can proceed with caution and all the doctors will be made aware of this fact.  And, being the person that I am, i will remind them as well probably a few times just to be on the safe side. 

So the treatments began with no fuss. My nurse was able to administer my chemo without any issues in my veins.  Yeah!  Off I went. There was another woman having chemo for her type of cancer and we struck up a nice conversation. She is a retired gynocologist originally from Manhattan (New York). Very nice lady and one full of knowledge about women's issues. So she enlightened me on a few questions I had. But it was also great to share about what we have experienced. But at the same time we were able to switch the conversation around to our daily lives and relationships and just normal stuff.  That was so very nice to converse about: daily life and NOT cancer.  We laughed and giggled and before we both knew it, our treatments were over.  No fuss -- no big Tah-Dah!  Great ending. Great, Great ending to this ordeal.

So after being taken off my drip, I had my regular exam by my oncologist. I was such a happy camper about this exam. I whipped off my top and wanted him to begin to try to find my tumor in my armpit and breast.

He went really deep up into my armpit and thoroughly examined my armpit.  HE COULD NOT FIND IT!  COULD NOT FIND IT!  COULD NOT FIND IT!!!!! So take that, Mr. Cancer!  He had me lay down to examine my breast and could see how much my breast has reduced in size. It's almost the same size as my right breast.  My left breast has never been the same size as my right.  But it's considerably smaller!  Yeah!

It's also very soft and the tumors have reduced.  They are hidden within the dense tissue of my mass to it's difficult to get an accurate reading on that area.  I am rescheduled for another Breast MRI in the next couple weeks.  This will give the exact size of tumors and tell them how contained the cancer is. 

My doc was very happy to say the least.  And he is one to be very, very conservative because that's his position to be objective.  He is so very thorough and I appreciate all his expertise.  Always educating me and keeping me apprised and answers ALL my questions completely and with great care. He's been pretty concerned about my case and I know he doesn't take anything for granted.  That gives me such relief.

We went out for a celebratory lunch afterwards. I went to Mexican which is the 2nd time I've had during all of chemo.  It was dee-lish. I kept it bland. And no issues with digestion whatsoever!  EEEHHHAAA!

Pleasures in life..........Food!  Love food.

WE got home by 4pm.  My energy was still good. So amazing.  Evening came and still doing well. Not that sloggy feeling.  Went to bed without incident and slept just fine.

So the next day, Friday, July 22:

I woke up just fine. No chemo brain sloggy mess.  No mashed potato brain. My energy was pretty darned good.  I was able get my breakfast done -- no assistance. Fed the dogs!  Up and around which never happens post chemo.  What is going on?  They told me at the doc's office that who know's I may cruise through this last one with  no problem cuz of my attitude and the fact I know it's my last one. I think they may be right.  This is simply a miracle in the making.  But I have been cautiously optimistic as well.  Being mindful.

But since I had this clarity going on, I told my hubby I wanted to go to a few stores to do some errands I was putting off. I would take one store at a time to keep it in check. First store went just fine. I was able to ultimately go to the 3 stores I needed to complete my transactions without incidents. Wow!  This is blowing my mind!  But I knew not to push it any further. So I was taken home and put on the couch.  I stayed there on and off for about 3 hours.  Had my lunch and snack.  I was NOT exhausted.  No post-store mashed potatoe brain!  No major unexpected anything.  Kept on drinking my fluids, etc...  All is good. 

I took one little short nap about 15 minutes is all.  This is not the typical post chemo.  THANK YOU GOD!

I had a small pasta dinner with our home growned tomatoes -- dee-lish.  Just what the doc ordered.

I had a great catch up session on Skype with my girly friends which was a major league highlight of this whole chemo treatment.  What a way to end the chemo treatment -- celebrating with my girlfriends toasting on the other end.  I toasted with my big glass of water and they had their cocktails!  Loved it.  We laughed, giggled and shared.  I can't imagine going throuh this ordeal without the love of my girls behind me.  They are amazingingly strong for me and a constant reminder how important it is to have those relationships especially in times like these.  They really boosted me big time last night. What great women.  I love you, my angels!

So all in all, what a great day and what a nice reprieve.  I hope this healing continues on this path.  If it does, I can justify going to visit my mother up in Humboldt for a short visit.  It's so important for me to see my mom before my surgery.  It's a burn inside of me I must achieve.  But as long as I'm feeling strong I will go. If there is a hint that it's not going accordingly, then I won't take the chance so close to my surgery.  But it's looking pretty well at this point. Keep my fingers and toes crossed that my road continues to be well-traveled.

Needless to say, My Cup is especially Full!  Blessings, blessings, blessings!  AMAZING!!

CIAO! CIAO!

DAY BEFORE LAST CHEMOTHERAPY

TODAY is the day BEFORE my last chemo.  I hope this will be forever meaning I never ever have to go through this process again in my life.  I'm banking on it.  I'm only thinking positive thoughts. I have to -- I must!  This is where I am becoming the warrior so many have said I already was.  Until now, I haven't felt this determined -- this committed -- this intense in beating this thing.  I know I have been doing all I can to fight back in my way.  I've been LOVING this cancer to it's death. I've been pushing it diligently out of my body the best way I have been learning -- through prayer, meditation, constant positive affirmations, through sense of humor and only being around loving people.

One of the greatest comforts I've had has been  my listening outside of my home to the voices of all the children in my neighborhood playing, laughing, yelling at one another, their constant great YOUNG energy.  I found myself giggling, laughing out loud at times because they give me hope.  They fuel me with life's great energy.  They are fresh and free and enjoying their childhood -- whatever it may be -- they are living. And that's exactly what I want to continue to do myself.  I want my life back and to continue to grow more and more as a person (hopefully, a good person -- bettering myself).

Through this process, I have found out who truly loves me.  I have found out who are my TRUEST of friends.  I thank you so much.  Yes, I have been disappointed by only a couple, but they have their reasons, I'm sure.  But the bottom line is this:  those who have shown themeselves to me are so much more important and are worth getting the best of the best in return.  It's been said you find out who your true friends are in times of trouble -- I never knew I was so loved.  It's humbling and overwhelming.  I have people praying for me all over the world.  Literally ALL over the world.  It's humbling.  Once again, I don't know how to thank them all.  I guess I do it through my prayers as well. 

Tomorrow at 10:30am - 1pm I will be at my oncologist's office being administered my chemo for the last time! There won't be a big fanfare but I will be meditating and praying and doing my best to allow this substance for the last time to be administered into my body.  As it flows through me, I will be visualizing my little space invader ships doing their best to kill off the last of those nasty little cancer cells!  They are killing them dead.  They must be considering what I have been experiencing in my body.  Even though I've had serious side effects, it will be worth it in the longrun.  Once again, I do my daily body checks.  I cannot for the life of me feel or find the cancer tumor under my left arm.  I cannot find it.  I've had Jim try to find it.  He cannot find it either!  WHHOOAAA!!!! Also, the same in my left breast.  I cannot feel the mass the way it was.  It has shrunk overall.  My breast is back down to almost the same size as my right breast. There is a slight difference in size, but OMG, it's so reduced!  My left breast is very pliable and soft where it hasn't been forever.  Tears do come to my eyes because I know in my heart of hearts I am beating this thing.  Yes, I continue to be cautiously optimistic, but I have to allow myself to get excited at the prospect that this cancer is contained.  I just "feel" it.  I know it to be true.

I cannot fathom that any other cancer is surviving elsewhere in my body.  I cannot accept that it will survive due to the fact chemo has been so toxic everywhere else.  I pray for CLEAR PATHOLOGY. It will be. It will be.  It will be.......................

Tomorrow I will be driven down to Scripp's and will walk in with my dignity in tow -- I will also have my prayer shawls, special spiritual trinkets that make me feel comforted and will go through what I need to in order to continue on my journey forward.  I am ready for my surgery on August 29.  But first things first. I must finish this...........I will with my head held higher than normal and my step lighter than light!

Oh, yeah, bring it on!  Can't keep a good girl down! (what song? or is that even the correct words? Sounds good...LOL!) 

Oh, yes, I have to acknowledge I just uploaded few more pics because I finally figured it out as to HOW TO UPLOAD pictures onto my blog.  I'm so proud of myself.  Anyway, this is the good, back and the ugly truth as to how I have changed.  It is what it is...My face is full from the Chemo. I've been told I will deflate.  I have a few eyelashes & eyebrow hairs left but should be interesting to see if I lose the rest. You should see me trace around my eye's with make-up.  Hilarious, but I still do it.  LOL. Gotta laugh!

I love you like no other, Jim, for telling me today on our lunch date how  much more you love my chocolate brown eyes even though I'm without lashes! When I saw your tears welling up, you melted me. You still give me that feeling in my tummy when I see you drive up or walk in the door. We are a couple of sappy people who refuse to give up on each other; you are the love of my life: THROUGH GOOD TIMES & BAD; IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH!! I love you FOREVER! The world now knows this.......SWAK!

Yes, my Cup is Half FULL.  So long CHEMO!

Ciao! Ciao!

One Week before LAST CHEMO

For the last 5 days I've been feeling very strong.  I have taken myself off sleeping pills to aid me at night.  I'm sleeping much deeper and am able to dream once again, which is a good thing for me.  I wake up well-rested and have started walking my dog, Woody, again out into a field beyond my neighborhood.  I don't as far as I have prior to chemo, but at least I am walking more vigorously than I have been.  It feels good to sweat because of good exertion.

My digestion continues to be a normal level which is a great thing for me overall.  I have had no issues with heatburn which was pretty bad at the beginning of the 4th chemo, but have been able to watch the types of foods and liquids I've been ingesting.  Surprisingly enough, I took a chance last night and went for Mexican food at a little restaurant in my daughter's town.  I had a chili relleno and little rice and beans.  I'm sure some are horrified to think I would try such a plate -- but I did.  I was craving a good chili relleno and this particular restaurant:  La Unica in Lake Elsinore has amazing food.  All authentic and  freshly made.
DEE-LISH!!! It is so wonderful to be able to TASTE the flavors.  Sometimes during chemo patients will lose a sense of taste or things become very metallic tasting.  My tastebuds have never gone to the metallic side, but have been very dulled and  flavors are distorted.  These days, I'm seemingly back to a sense of norm which is so exciting for me.  That was my great dining experience for the night.  But I won't do this often, but it felt good to be able to enjoy something I truly love. 

I've still been taking rests when needed but I've noticed, once again, that I don't have to nap or drink as much fluid as I was needing.  I'm still well-hydrated, but I'm not adding the extra because my body is not requiring it. One thing that is apparent, one must always listen to what their body is telling it needs.  I've always been listening, but of course, through this process, it's been most imparative to do so -- if not, I have paid the consequences.  I don't like to do that, so I continue to learn. 

I was checking my underarm last night and still cannot find the tumor.  So I'm pretty excited about what the chemo has done, but more than that, I'm sure all the prayers and good thoughts and positivity has been helping as well.  I still get my feeling of big hugs coming my way.  I still know I'm being supported big time by something bigger than me. It's very comforting for me. 

Next week will be here soon enough.  It's such a double-edged sword for me.  I don't like the side effects from the chemo especially those first 4-5 days -- they are brutal -- but then again, it is my last one. I will get through this!  I pray this will be the last chemo I ever have.  I pray for clear pathology.  Some people have to go through another few chemos in some cases. I pray I'm not one of them. I pray with all my being that this will not be the case.  I pray for only CLEAR pathology!  One would think that this poison called Chemo could get it all, but one never knows. I pray my cancer is almost gone and/or dying quickly.  It will be gone after my bi-lateral mastectomy -- let it be contained and in a nice neat package for the surgeon to remove.  When I had my breast MRI results given to me, my surgeon had stated to me that it was "uncomplicated". My tumors were within the confines of my cystic tissue of the left breast -- I have to pray that it's still like this.  I do know the tumors within the breast are much smaller! I have to keep that forward motion of positivity to get me through this.  It's difficult at times.  Perhaps, I'm needlessly worrying -- I hope this is the case. I just have to hold onto the fact I'm in great hands, I'm healthy other than the cancer, I have a willingness to beat this and the most important thing of all:  I have LOVE all the way around me. With those odds, I don't see how I can go wrong.

For now, I continue to live my life freer than I have pretty much ever-- and I will move forward and cross that bridge soon enough.  I once again continue to ask for prayers and positivity and great energy to come my way and to my family.  It's all felt and greatly appreciated.  I thank my God everyday for all the LOVE I feel -- and I do feel it.  THANK YOU!

My cup's half full!

Ciao, Ciao!