What Now? Yet Another Hiccup...

Never under estimate the power of your immune system.  I do believe I did too much recently, but am testing the waters. Anyone would be if you have been segregated from the rest of the world for weeks on end.  Monday, my daughter and I did a few errands -- no big deal, right?  Well that depends on what it is, of course.  We did happen to go to a Goodwill outlet in Temecula -- not a good idea.  The moment I walked in the place I noticed there were a lot of people milling around the goods within the store.  I walked further into the store checking out things for my daughter yadda, yadda, yadda.....Bottom line, there she was, a sniffling, sneezing SICK female spewing her germs everywhere because SHE HAD TO BE THERE FOR THE GREAT DEAL OF HER LIFE.........Yeah right! One can tell I'm really tollerant of people spreading their germs everywhere.  Anyway, I walked out of the store immediately got in the car and left. 

Was out a day or two later as well, then I got my flu shot because now more than ever, my immune system is compromised.  Perhaps, I'm hoping that my immune system wouldn't be affected so easily -- boy, am I wrong, wrong, wrong....................

I woke up at 3am yesterday morning with body aches, muscle spasms, etc. Very uncomfortable.  Put myself into a tub to help relax my body. That seemed to help a bit.  Took a couple Ibuprofen and went back to bed.  I rolled around for a couple more hours -- so it was around 5:30am by the time I finally started to be able to go back into what I call  a light sleep.  Either way, that was the start of my day. I finally got up around 8:30am and took care of myself -- eating breakfast, feeding dogs, etc.  I rested a bit but had a lot of laundry I knew I needed to get to. Everyone else was gone out of the house doing whatever they needed to be doing.  Had a couple of bouts of the "runs" which was no big deal till the 3rd time around.  I will spare the gorey details, but suffice it to say it was a moment that could have come out of a comedy movie scene.  Jim came running in and quickly turned around and left me alone to deal with what I needed to deal with.........Isn't that lovely?  Oh, the joys of bodily functioning.  Gotta have comedy from time to time, but during the runs?  Really?  ARRRRGGGHHHHH! Oh, well, such is life..

By early evening, I had 100.9 degree temperature.  Now, in my world of post chemo, that is still not good.  And it's amazing how lousy one can feel with that temp.  Needless to say, I put myself to bed, got a tepid washcloth and placed it on my head & neck.  Due to my compromised immune system, the docs want me to take antibiotics for the just-in-case because in my situation it can turn bad so quickly it can make your head spin.  And, yes, I realize, antibiotics are for when you have bacteria infections, but once again, if you are a cancer patient with a compromised immune system, those rules go out the window apparently.  I get it now.  Pisses me off, but I understand it. 

I get frustrated, yet again, due to the fact I find myself in a "weakened" state which I don't want to be in.  Of course, I have and will take care of this by "being a good girl" and rest.  But now I have to stay in and stay away from neighbor kids because we all know they are walking petri dishes -- not their fault, but that's the facts of the matter. Now, the other night we had our neighbor kids over for a couple of hours due to their dad needing to borrow our BBQ because their BBQ was broken.  One child is 5 years old and the other is 10 years old.  This, too, could have been why I got a fever. Not their fault, but goes to show how sensitive and susceptible I am to germs.  Wow!  Sucks the big one if you ask me.  But that could have been another reason why I got sick.

I also know that chemo has settled into my joints and periodically I get aches and pains and my muscles react to this as well. So either way, this is what happened to me last night. 

The good news is I slept really well.  Got up one time and quickly went back to bed and back into a deep sleep.  Woke up at 7:30am.  Wow, pretty good.  No fever this morning which is great. But in my case a fever can reoccur in the afternoon. So we'll see.  So I plan on keeping my fluids way, way up today and eat/sip clear fluids and keep my diet very bland. It's supposed to be around 102 degrees here today.  Great!  So I will be kicking on the AC to be sure to keep comfortable and not suck it up trying to save on the power.  Imust be comfortable. 

My darling hubby will be having a minor surgery as well tomorrow on his carpal tunnel wrist/hand and then a scope on his elbow on the same arm. We are going to be the dynamic duo!  Bless his heart. He's had to put this off for so long due to his employment commitments over the years.  Nevering having the time to be able to take time and be down for days on end. Well, now he can and I thank GOD he's finally able to get it done.  We have our daughters and son-in-law who can take care of us with food and whatever else we need. But I'm still able to do things, just not at the level I would like. 

My hair is getting so much longer. And I'm grey with salt and pepper throughout my hair.  I find it pretty.  I doubt I will be coloring my hair, but we'll see as it grows out. What's really impressive are my eyelashes -- they are coming in thick.  Sooooooooo thrilled.  My eyebrows are coming in too, not as thick, but they look really good.  I love, love, love having my eyelashes protecting my eyes again. And I don't look so alien like.  I think within a couple more weeks, I might even try placing some mascara on them.  Time will tell.

I haven't heard back from the radiation office, but I'm sure I should hear something by Friday.  Needless to say, it's going to start soon and I will be onto the next chapters of this journey.  I'm not afraid or concerned.  I'm in good hands and I continue with my prayers and positive thoughts -- meditations.  Have to. It's simply a part of my life. I need to begin my yoga. Beginning to record yoga classes.  So off I'll go soon, I hope, but I realize I'm limited to my bending cuz of my expanders in my body/chest. However, I still stretch and do other exercises.  Exercise is key!

The Cup's Half Full!
Ciao, Ciao 

Radiation in my near Future

So much has happened in just a few short days.

I had an appointment down in Vista to have a consultation with my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka.  Their office is located 1/2 hour away from Murrieta.  Very easy to find.  The office staff was very welcoming and very professional.  They took my vitals and my blood pressure (BP) was up a little bit -- no SH--!  I get this way when I go into the unknown.  I'm so ridiculously sensitive at times, but I guess, that's ME. They expect it -- so I was told.  I've been told that I have the white coat syndrome -- YES, I would agree.  But overall, my BP is low.  Anyway, my nurse that I will be seeing on a regular basis was quite the little spit fire. Really cute and very knowledgeable.  She did a thorough Q & A with me regarding my health history.  She explained to me that my aches and pains in my joints are normal after going through the chemo treatment I've experienced.  (Thank you God, it's not that I'm getting older.........)  I've also had issues with my feet -- when I first get out of bed, as an example, my feet hurt/ache as I walk.  Takes a few feet  before everything seems to be working properly.  Apparently, this, too, is due to the chemo.  I already know my hands and body are still holding fluids; I still cannot wear my wedding ring -- this is CHEMO.  Chemo lingers in the body for months afterwards. Isn't that nice?  At least I know why this is happening.  Onward......

My nurse asked me about how I found out about my cancer diagnosis. I explained my story, which brought her to tears.  Everytime I tell someone in the medical profession down here about my story, they are shocked. 
The fact of the matter is I'm more grateful that I was diagnosed down here rather than where I lived before.  It's not to say there aren't good doctors up in Northern California, but I do know I'm in an area where I can get to great medical care quickly and have choices.  I will come back to this particular subject later.......

Within a few minutes of my first meeting with the nurse, in walked my new doctor. She's an adorable woman who has the kind of eyes that can look into your soul.  She most definitely pays attention when she is in your presence. First impressions are wonderful.  She's brilliant.  Not arrogant, just the real deal.  Isn't it ironic, I have been blessed with such expertise since the beginning of my journey. I guess, my God and all my angels insist that I get a break considering how it all began.  I'm not arguing with this at all.  I know I am blessed with all these experts. And, to me, more amazing is that they work as a team. No big time egoes here at all!!!!! How refreshing.

My doc began by introducing herself and then sitting down on a stool and scooted up closer to me and asked my how I was doing considering what I have been going through. I looked straight into her eyes and answered, "I think I'm doing pretty well overall -- but honestly, I guess I haven't viewed myself as going through as much as you have just stated."  She was taken aback by my reply, I'm sure.  She continued on and told me that she had taken a while to view all my films and reports, etc.  She told me that from what she viewed and read, she knew I have been through a lot and that my first breast MRI was "very scary looking."  I think it was those words that resinated with me to my core. When I saw my first set of MRI scans, they reminded me of a horrible weather storm.  I described it to her that way and she nodded in agreement then stated, "That is a very good way of describing your tumors."  Then once again, she asked me how I came to discover about my cancer.  I told her of my years knowing I had dense breast tissues and that I had been diligent about my self-exams and mammograms, etc.  As I explained my history to her, her eyes were very fixed on me and then I saw the tears to begin to swell in her eyes. She, too, was saddened to find out I had never been diagnosed until March 16, 2011.  She told me she saw the growth of cells in my 2006 films. When I heard her words OUT LOUD it brought back those feelings of frustration and emotions. My tears fell once again. Couldn't stop for awhile. I had to dig deeper just because I wanted to continue to explain my history. And, I also, didn't want to waste anymore negative energy on the fact the proper tests could have prevented this situation I find myself now involved in.

So we got down to business discussing in great detail what I can expect and why I have to have radiation. She went into great detail about all the side effects that can occur and what I realistically can expect.  They will contact me next week to set up the appointment so I can get "mapped out" -- all my areas that will be radiated. There will be 3 specific areas of my left side of my chest that will be radiated and from different angles.  Once the mapping is done, she will do fine tuning on the exact measurements and make any appropriate modifications if needed.  I will then have to come in again for a "dry run."  I will be placed on a table where they will test the beams -- but it will not be radiation.  The following day I will come back and begin treatment. The treatment will last approximately 15 minutes total.  The actual radiation lasts only 2-3 minutes.  In and out --- done. I will have 28 treatments.  This will last between 6 & 7 weeks -- 5 days a week.  I should be finished at the beginning of December.  I will not lose my hair or get nauseated. I may get tired -- needing a nap or rest. I may experience like a severe sunburn.  Other side effects can occur, but this is a very basic overview. 

Oddly enough, I have no fear regarding this procedure.  I feel strongly that if I can survive chemo, I most certainly can do radiation.  The doctor stated that I may not see any effects till 3 weeks into the treatment. 
I plan to continue with life forward and do what I can on my own time to counteract any potential effects. I plan to walk more and go about daily life -- cuz it goes on -- life goes on!  I want to move forward. But I'm not unrealistic to think that all is perfect, because nothing is perfect.  I'm still healing from my surgery. I still have issues with my energy from that. I'm still needing rests.  I still have to be mindful that I cannot move quickly.  But I'm doing well with being mindful.

After my appointment, I felt completely emotionally drained yet again. Each time I talk about my history these days with a doctor, it brings back a certain amount of angst regarding how this cancer journey came to be.  I have been contemplating writing a letter to my FORMER gyneocologist and her partners so I can have complete closure.  It has been suggested to me that I write the letter -- get it down on paper. Then keep the letter and if I want to send it, then do so; but if nothing else, it puts it down in writing and it gets it out of my head and body.  After doing some thorough soul searching, I have come to the conclusion this is exactly what I need to do for me.  This is not going to be a letter of blame rather it will be a letter of expression of how this could have been avoided.  I want other women especially up in Northern California to have a chance of survival rather than having NO diagnosis happen to them.  There may even be a letter to the editor of the local newspaper as well. I want women to know to question, question, question and keep pursuing without feeling like they don't have choices or rights to question their doctor.  Not only that, question the radiologist.  I had films that were obviously mis-read or not paid attention to!  That is a hard pill to swallow for me and I have to forgive and move on.  That is why I continue to pray, to meditate, to face it head on. 
I am going to rise above this; it's going to take time.  I hope all my readers will encourage their loved ones to speak their minds as well when it comes to their health! WE are our best advocates.  If we hesitate because we think we may step on someone's feet or hurt their feelings -- too damned bad!  It's OUR body -- it's OUR LIFE.

On a final note, I found out this evening that a former high school friend of mine passed away of cancer after a very long battle. She faced her journey head on and with great dignity and fire and love.  I cannot express my complete feelings except I will miss you, Jill. YOU ARE THE WOMAN! YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD. FLY -- BE FREE -- LOVE SURROUNDS YOU.

My Cup's Half Full -- feeling grateful for the love that surrounds me, too!

2nd Saline Fill

Yesterday was the 2nd and final installment of saline into my soon-to-be new breasts.  I had 75 ccs injected into my right breast and 50 ccs into my left.  They are now the size I will have post radiation.
The injections went well with no issues whatsoever. My doctor is always, always, always so very careful as to how he administers the saline -- he doesn't want me to hurt in any way shape or form.  The fact, of the matter, I cannot feel a thing because my breasts are pretty much numb. As I have stated before, my breasts were removed and at that time, they had to cut through nerves. So there are no feelings on the front part of my breasts. I've tried to describe that there are ports under both breasts which are used to fill with saline to increase the size of each breast.  This is the area where it can be very painful.  The skin is thinner there and inflammation has decreased substantially -- so there is pain when I stretch certain ways -- so much so that it brings tears to my eyes. Consequently, I am taking my Percocet today. I usually only take 1/2 of a pill at 7pm; not today. It's just one of those days.

I haven't really written much about how it's so wonderful to have this option of reconstruction.  I'm very happy I made this decision to have it done at the same time as my bi-lateral mastectomy.  Obviously, it cannot all be done at one time, but it helps to have a portion done as I progress through radiation.

I had no idea before making the final decision whether or not to have reconstruction that radiation causes scar tissue to form at the area being radiated.  So the skin becomes quite stiff and hard and almost impossible to stretch.  So it's important that my skin essentially be stretched before the radiation begins so I can have good results for the reconstruction. 

For the first time since all this craziness has begun I'm actually really excited about my new reconstructed breasts.  These days we as women who have gone through mastectomies have choices.
I have met a couple women that had mastectomies a few years ago and opted not to have reconstruction. They now wish they had done it.  The cool thing is they still can have reconstruction.  Now, of course, each woman is different and circumstances may be challenging as well, but the best thing to do is to go in for consultation to see what kind of options one may have.

My doctor's office staff was telling me that there are so many women still out there that don't realize they can have reconstruction.  I find that so amazing.  I also realize that it also could be a matter of insurance issues.   My insurance is picking up a certain percentage, but the rest is coming out of pocket.  I feel I'm worth it, so I'm not hesitating whatsoever.   I did go through a very brief phase that I contemplated that I wouldn't have reconstruction.  I'm so glad that left my thoughts.  It's not so much that I feel inferior without breasts; it's all about the way I view myself as a woman -- for me I want a little curvature especially in my clothes.  I also like the idea that my breasts will be placed back where they belong.  For so long my larger breasts hung lower as I have grown older--isn't that a vision? So many of us can relate, right?  I have never been one to think about plastic surgery to rectify this issue -- wasn't on the forefront of my priorities.  But since this cancer and the fact I was losing them, I felt it a great option for me to exercise.  Finally, my lightbulb in my head went off and realized that, "Wow, I'm going to have prettier boobs now than I had before."  I think I'm amazed at the beauty of my skin. It's really in good shape, Thank God!  My doctor has stated I have good genes!  LOL! I'm not embarrassed to say that I agree with him.  In the end, I will end up with what I want:  small, perky breasts and I'm delighted with the outcome so far. They are not perfect. As a matter of fact, they are out of round currently, but like the doctor keeps on telling me, he's going to make them beautiful for me after radiation.  They are a work in progress.  But honestly, they look pretty good now, they just need to be "tweaked" a bit more.  There is some excess skin and he has to rebuild nipples and areola and do a little lipo suction under my right armpit, etc.  This is going to take up to a year to have finished.  Remember, I'm still healing from my surgery.  I will have to heal again from radiation, etc. It's a process.  I'm in no hurry.  All I really want is to be cancer free the rest of my life.  Bottom line:  HEALTHY!!!

Tomorrow I will finally meet my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka.  I look forward to having a thorough conversation with her. She's supposed to be really on top of her game, which I like hearing.
I'm onto the next phase of this journey.  At least I'm on the other side of it! Thank you God! And Thank you to all of you who continue to support me and my family through this journey. 

My Cup's Half Full and blossoming! No, I won't be flashing anyone anytime soon.  Well, maybe my hubby or closest girlfriends!  (Tee-Hee.....)

Chia Pet Head!

It's been awhile since I've signed in. Frankly, there hasn't been any news that was noteworthy. 

I've been dealing with some pain, which isn't always a fun topic.  However, it's part of the reality of recuperation.  In the beginning of my recuperation, I had a lot of inflammation surrounding my chest.  As the inflammation has decreased, the pain has gone up somewhat.  Interesting, I know, but what happens, the skin gets tighter around my expanders that have been placed in my chest area.  They are for "expanding" my soon-to-be new breasts. They are expanded with saline solution.  As the skin deflates, I can feel the expanders moreso inside my chest.  It feels like I have built-in armore wear.  It's not comfortable a lot of the time, but it's not like I cannot cope. I'm still healing and I'm working on the patience part of this situation.

My body has been a very good gauge for me.  If I do too much at a time, I really collapse later on. And that is not a joke at all. It's also not an exaggeration.  My body shuts down and I need to sleep. I don't fool around any longer with trying to "suck it up" and "be tough" through all this.  It is what it is and I must do my best to heal.  And when I say HEAL, I mean do absolutely NOTHING.  I'm one of the lucky ones that doesn't have to try and work through this while working outside the home.  I do know about many, many women who don't have the luxury of staying home and simply healing.  It breaks my heart for them. They are the true warriors out there.

With this recuperation time, my hair has started to come in big time.  It's not long, but it's coming in and I look very similar to a Chia Pet!  My hair is so soft and downy feeling. It's pretty cool!  It's so funny how people will come straight for my head and cop a feel on my head!  LOL!!  I don't mind at all.  It's rather endearing all in all. My doctors love to check out my hair growth!  The other great things that are growing back are my eyelashes and eyebrows!  So very happy about this.  My eyelashes are coming back in at the same time -- I guess I had thought they might grow in a couple at a time.  Not sure why, but that's what I was thinking.  I'm so glad I'm wrong.  It makes such a difference getting my eyelashes back. I'm not experiencing that sensitivity to air, air-borne particulates, light, etc.  They aren't long enough for mascara just yet, but they are growing and that's what is important.  My eyebrows are coming back in, too!  Yippee Skippee! I won't have to use make-up to color them in any longer. 

I haven't been wearing any kind of bandana or hats lately mainly because I've been in the house, but since my hair is growing back in I figure why hide it? I feel so much better with the air flowing around my head anyway, so why hide?  I do, however, make sure I have great earrings on at all times!  That's my thing big time.  I MUST wear my earrings.  LOL!  Silly as it may seem, I feel naked without my earrings.  Oh, well, whatever floats one's boat, right? Whatever it takes to get through this time works for me and probably always will be.

Big news:  Yesterday I went to my plastic surgeon's office for a follow-up appointment to check how I'm healing.  After the exam and discussion about all that has transpired since our last appointment, he simply said, "I think it's time to fill your breasts."  I don't know why I was so surprised, but I was.  We hadn't really discussed the last time I was in that this was going to happen. I was thinking it would probably happen within the next couple weeks before I begin my radiation.  So he had to give me a shot at the site where the ports are located at each breast.  Expanders have a port area.  I'm not sure if they are usually at the bottom of one's breast area, but mine are located there.  That's the pain area I've been experiencing since the inflammation has been going away.  So he numbed up the port area (yes, with a shot -- no biggy!) and then had a huge syringe filled with 100 ccs of saline with a long tube to place inside the port -- he had to stick it through my skin to attach to the port just under the skin area.  They my nurse began the process of administering the saline into the port.  I could see my breast start to fill up a  bit.  Really interesting and very surreal at the same time. No, it did not hurt.  I'm numb there anyway, so I feel nothing.  My doc added 50 ccs to my left breast.  So now I have little lady lumps going on!  Very cool.  I have a cool cleavage! LOL.

Oh, yes, Jim was in the room the entire time -- we both were so amazed at what was occurring.  I will have a little discomfort from this "expansion" to get my skin and muscle ready for the implant that will take place on my 2nd surgery.  This surgery won't occur till after radiation.  Radiation causes scar tissue to occur.  In my case, the scar tissue will happen on my left breast area and in the center of my chest and armpit area.  That is why I need to have my breast filled BEFORE radiation due to scar tissue forming which will make it difficult for a clean result for reconstructive surgery.  Understand, my breasts are not perfect in formation at this point. That will happen when my doc operates on me during the 2nd surgery.  There is excess skin to remove and I will have a little liposuction done on my right armpit area to match my left armpit area.  I have no idea at this point what other little tweaks here and there will be until we see how I come through radiation.
 
I had no idea that I would be so excited by getting this first fill in my breasts.  I will have another fill next week but not much more because I want to stay smaller than I was before. I do know that when I'm finished with this, I will have really beautiful, perky breasts!  He also will be building nipples for me. Not the twist type or tattooed type as well -- he builds them. I've seen pics of reconstructed and augmented women that he has performed his magic with and let me tell you, he is an artist.  Amazing results.  I think my new boobs are going to be better than ever! I never would have done anything like this had it not been for this cancer.  Weird how good things come out of a bad situation.  Today, I feel a little tight but nothing I can't deal with.  Not going to need meds for a few hours more, but I don't suffer at all. 

I have a consultation with my soon-to-be new radiation doctor Friday, October 7.  My current oncologist wants me to begin my radiation treatment as soon as possible -- so that means I will most likely begin the following week after my initial consultation.  I understand this doctor is once again, amazing, and has great patient/doctor rapor with HER patients. I look forward to meeting with her and getting to know her and her methods and ideology concerning my treatment plan.   I do know this:  I will be going 5 days a week for 6 weeks.  Nothing shorter than that.  My oncologist, Dr. Bernstein, wants me to go the full length of this treatment, which I'm in agreement with.  I want full recovery. I don't want this cancer to have a chance to rear it's ugly head ever again in me if at all possible!  So I must do this for ME!

Overall, my emotional state is really good.  I feel like I'm on the other side of this journey.  I still have quite a walk to go on, but I'm stronger than ever and I plan to finish this off with my head held high and with purpose like no other. Not sure what the future holds for me, but it's going to be a ride of my life, I'm sure.  I'm looking forward to this part of it.  I have changed forever and I know it's for the best.  I still get emotional once in awhile, still not sure why, but I do, but I'm more grateful than sorrowful.  There is nothing to be sorrowful about.  I'm alive and healing and getting my life back. It's going to be different; there are going to be different things about my body that I will live with, but overall, I'm doing very well.  I do laugh a lot more now, but carefully, because when I laugh too hard, it hurts with my expanders in my chest. But I have found another way to allow my big laugh to show itself!  I'm not me unless I have a big laugh from time to time.

I'm really looking forward to the holidays this year.  We have so much to be thankful for.  Wow, that's an understatement!  I'm so thankful for everything in my life.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  I can't wait for my mom to get down here. We will bring her down to stay with us in November.  She will stay with us for at least a couple months.
 
I plan to drive with my hubby and her back up to Humboldt County in January. I really look forward to seeing some old friends and see some old business friends and do some major knitting while I'm up there as well.  Got to invest back into the community. So I have somethings to look forward to in the next year. 
I may not be complete with my reconstruction for a year or so, but that's fine with me.

Most of the time my Cup's Half FULL and now it's even more! LOL!!  Loving my life so much more and I continue to heal without issues! I'm so blessed beyond words. I am so thankful my family and friends continue to surround me with love. I continue to receive the most wonderful cards and well-wishes.  I love them so much. It really helps me in my healing.  Those beautiful words that are written mean so much to me and my family. 

Thank you again!
Ciao, Ciao

Saw my Plastic Surgeon

I had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon who is doing my reconstruction.  To my surprise, he removed the drain tubes.  I had 4 tubes total -- 2 on each side; I had the first set removed the week after surgery; now these removed.  I thought they were not being removed due to the fact I still was producing too much fluid. Apparently not!  So good to see them be removed. Didn't hurt at all.  My doctor is very pleased at my healing progress. My skin color is great, the shape is good and no infection in site at all.  I still don't like these expanders inside my chest cavity.  It's a weird feeling and can be uncomfortable, but it could be worse.  At least it's not chemo!  LOL. 

I never thought I could be so thrilled to have a couple of drains removed from my body.  It means that I can now take a SHOWER!!  Simple things in life are usually the best.  Needless to say, the shower is the best gift to me today.  The doc said I had to wait till this morning to take one.  So I did.  I feel like more of a human being. Thank you, doc! 

The next step for now is to continue to rest and do nothing due to the fact I should not move around a lot and produce more fluid in my body.  I also want to avoid any kind of infection which most definitely can happen at this time. I am bored out of my mind, but I do keep myself busy with my knitting, writing and watching my movies. I do read but I still have that attention issue going on.  But I try daily.  It's getting better slowly.  I never really understood what "major surgery" was truly until going through it myself.  Wow, it beats the heck out of a body.  One moment you feel on top of the world and in the next you feel like a Mack truck has broad-sided you.  It can be very frustrating.  But once you make up your mind to relax about it, life gets easier.  Once again, my famous mantra:  IT IS WHAT IT IS.....

Next week I go to the doctor, this time it's my oncologist, to see what is next regarding my radiation treatment. I hope he gives me a little longer to heal before I begin my next and final treatment plan.  I can handle this treatment, but it's going to be 5 days a week for 6 weeks. It's going to be "my job" for a short period of time.  I keep on hoping my doctor will tell me it's only going to be 4 weeks' rather than 6.  I keep on praying.  Maybe it will happen. 

Life continues to get better. I know I have a few more hills to get over, but at least I'm on the other side now.  My hair is growing back; my eyelashes are coming back as well as my eyebrows. It's funny how I'm more thrilled about my eyelashes and eyebrows more so than my hair on my head. 

I'm so happy that we are coming into Fall and that soon my family will bring my Mom down here to stay a few months with us. I cannot wait for that.  I'm so lucky to have her in good health and of sound mind so we can enjoy her.  We are blessed.

so my Cup's half full and continuing!   To the next chapters in life!  I hope all embrace life more and find the happier side of life. 

Ciao, Ciao

Post Surgery - 2 weeks later

I cannot believe how quickly 2 weeks have passed by so far.  A lot has transpired since my surgery. 
Overall, I'm doing quite well.  Healing has been amazing. I had a Therapist living with us for about 10 days helping me with my recovery.  She has helped with blood circulation activation, nerve activation and bone activation. It's hard for Americans to understand what the heck kind of therapy this is, but it's very popular in Europe where she lives and works.  My post-surgery circulation is amazing. My skin tone is beautiful!  The docs are so amazed at how well my surgery site looks. I have no necrosis (dead skin) at the breast area, my overall energy is very good considering I went through major surgery, digestion is wonderful, no pain meds after 3 days home.  Although yesterday I did have a set-back of sorts due to the fact I did too much because I've been feeling so much better -- oh, yes, still live and learn daily. 

And the most remarkable change for me is 2 days after I began this therapy for recovery, my hair on my head started to come back!  I have hair growing again!  I look like a Chia Pet in full bloom!  LOL!! Then, of course, the leg hair has decided it needs to make it's presence known as well -- ok, I should be grateful for returning hair, but I could be happy if it didn't come back.  (oh, how ungrateful I sound!  LOL).  But today, for the first time, I see my EYE LASHES GROWING BACK!!!!  I have 3 on my left eye that are popping out and several on my right eye.  Not sure why the right is so much more, but who cares!!  My eyebrows are growing back in as well.  Before long, I shall look less like Uncle Fester and more like ME again. Or at least the NEW ME. 

In case some are wondering, I'm not completely flat chested.  I still have little lady bumps as one can say.  And remember, my pathology came back CLEAR/CLEAN with a large margin surrounding it of clear, clean cells.  So there is no reason to take all of my tissue.  I do have chest expanders under my chest muscle which, I have to be honest, are really weird feeling and tight feeling. I guess it's different for women who get augmentation not to feel it like this, but still, it's not my idea of a good feeling. I have to wear a special bra similar to women who get augmentation.  It's a corsett of sorts which can be very uncomfortable especially at night when trying to sleep. I don't wear it during the day but wear it if I get into a car or if I go for a walk outside. Not sure how long I will have this thing, but cannot wait to get rid of it.  I have 2 more surgeries regarding my breast reconstruction. This first  surgery, obviously was for removing the cancer -- getting the clear/clean pathology. The next 2 will be the actual rebuilding of my breasts. I'm not going larger -- going for the perky look!  LOL!! Cannot wait for that to occur. Recently, I met a few women who did not have reconstruction surgery or considered it during the process of their mastectomies.  They didn't know about reconstruction and what it could do for them -- So I had the opportunity to educate them a bit of what I know and make recommendations for them. That made me feel a little bit empowered due to the fact most of my days are spent inside recuperating from something.....Either way, to bond with strangers is a pretty cool thing.
I'm not running around being gleeful due to the fact I physically cannot do so.  I move slowly and methodically as I walk.  I cannot be jostled around at all. I went for a car ride the other day (this past Sunday) and by the time I got home, I needed to lay down for awhile.  I paid the price yesterday big time.  I even had to take pain meds, so I'm learning to believe what the docs say when they tell you to take it really easy and don't be fooled by feeling better. You still have to keep it mellow.  I still don't understand completely what "mellow" means in my world.  I want to do!  I want to make up for loss time; but if I'm not smart, I will put myself back further and it will take a lot longer for recovery. I think I'm feeling so close to freedom that I just want to go for it, but I know better than to push it, but sometimes I cannot help myself. 

I now have my youngest daughter, Amy,  and my son-in-law, Loreto, here helping out.  What a Godsend they are.  They are constantly taking care of something around the house.  This has helped my oldest daughter to get some rest and for my hubby to rest as well.  I love my family so much. While in the hospital, my youngest daughter, Amy, stayed with me 24/7!  She was my advocate. Watching everything the nurses and/or docs were up to.  I truly believe anytime we have a loved one and/or dear friend in the hospital or in need, we NEED to be an advocate for them -- to make sure things are getting done -- to be a watchdog of sorts.  Getting the correct information -- asking questions when one doesn't understand. I tell you, I was completely incoherent for the first 24 hrs.  I was making poor choices which my family would correct immediately.  Thank GOD for my family.  But I implore to those who have loved one's please, please, please make the time for them when they are going through some kind of procedure, doc appointments, times of need and/or hospital stays.  It makes a difference in the overall care process which will ultimately translate into their recovery process. I guess it's called  LOVE! 

When I first came home, my chocolate lab,Woody, was freaked out -- worried, I guess.  He could smell and sense the difference in me.  But within 2 days, he was coming around me and wanting me to love on him. His sweet eyes told the story of worry.  I cannot imagine going through something like this ever again without my animals around me.  They have been a constant source of love! Any of you who have pets understands what I'm talking about. They are my loves big time.  It really helps comfort me when I'm really having a difficult time coping with pain or being emotional.

My friends and family have been so generous to me during this time of recuperation. Actually, they have been beyond supportive through this whole ordeal! I cannot thank everyone enough.  I hope in the future I can somehow give back. I'll figure it out eventually.  It moves me to tears thinking about all the love still surrounding me. I love you all.  I love you beyond words.  You know who you are!!!! ;)

I know my train of thought is all over the page -- hopefully, soon I will be back on track and able to communicate better. I continue to rest and then walk about the house and down the block.  Just don't like these tubes/and my "cajonez" hanging off me. It's quite the picture!  LOL.  I do laugh!  I do laugh a lot more but sometimes it hurts when I laugh really hard.  So now I have developed this silly laugh which makes me laugh more -- oh, well, as long as I'm laughing.  It's the good stuff, right? So when you can, laugh.............It's true -- it's the greatest medicine.

PS.  Just got off the phone with my reconstructive plastic surgeon's office. I have to stop moving for 2 more days - stop my fluid from producing.  But they want to see me on Friday, Sept. 16 -- and hopefully, I'll have my tubes removed!  This translates into being able to SHOWER!!! Sponge baths don't cut it; ya know?  LOL. 

Yes, my cup maybe half full -- but my Cup's still half full (get it?) 

Ciao, Ciao all!

PSS:  Happy BIRTHDAY MOM!!! You are a young 88 year old!  Way to go!  Just wish we could be there to celebrate with you.  We love you so much.

 

POST SURGERY - BRIEF UPDATE

I feel like I'm dancing through the ocean spray waving my hands gleefully in the air while my smile is from ear to ear because the cancer is out of MY BODY!  Also, my pathology did come back CLEAR!!!!!  Let me say it again:  MY PATHOLOGY IS CLEAR!!!! 

I have never been so over-joyed in my life!  My doctor removed 17 lymph nodes and 2 of those nodes were malignant tumors. However, the margin around these nodes were clear, clear, clear.  He removed a node up at the apex of the node area to make double-sure and it was completely clean.  He took other biopsies from my right breast area -- all clear.  Just writing it makes me cry and laugh at the same time all over again.  It's so wonderful.  I prayed for this, others prayed for this, and I know my angels around me embraced me this whole time through it.  It's so wonderful I cannot express, once again, properly.

Suffice it to say, my family and I are gleeful. I still have a lot of recooperation to deal with and then the radiation, but knowing this positivity is here, I'm on top of the world. As we approach this Labor Day Weekend, I cannot help but reflect on the fact I'm living, I'm truly ALIVE inside and out and a new beginning is here.  I will write more later, but I just had to spread the news!  What better news could there be but to celebrate LIFE!  I'm so grateful and cannot thank those around me as well as those who have been spiritually with me through this.  I have a lot more to write about, but for now LITERALLY my Cup's Half Full -- cuz it is. My breasts are half the size they were -- LOL!! What an amazing job my docs are doing.  My reconstruction is just beginning, but my bilateral mastectomy is finished! 

Ciao, Ciao! Must take my nap....Rest and recuperate!