I'M ALMOST FINISHED WITH RADIATION!!!!

What a week it's been for me (and family for that matter!)  A lot of trying times have been enjoyed by all due to my body's getting maxed out by the radiation beams.  I've been still sick with this sinusitis infection (which really doesn't help matters at all!) Then there's the lovely nagging dry cough.  When I start to feel like a human being again, I go back a couple steps with more nagging congestion.  I swear to God as my witness that I'm doing everything in my power to make sure to take care of myself.  My poor family is watchdogging me as well trying to keep everything very clean and disinfected. The virus has managed to go through the family.  Jim and I sound like dueling hackers (coughing, that is). What a picture, eh?

Then there is the daily drives to Vista for my radiation. Apparently, it's very normal for "we" radiation patients to feel pretty cruddy at the end of our treatment stints.  My left breast area continues to feel like shrink wrap more and more, but my skin in that region has been looking so great until Tuesday. My upper left chest area and at the base of my neck have turned this lovely shade of deep red. And I'm mean deep RED.  I have increased my Miaderm cream for the protection of the skin area 3-4 times daily.  Each day my "team" of therapists who radiate me check me over with a fine-toothed comb.  They are very diligent. I have seen the doc a few times this week.  I have a new prescription cream to begin using this weekend:  Silvadene (spelling is incorrect) My poor skin is clean and not oozing anything, thank goodness, but my doc did mention that if it gets worse, she may stop my last 2 treatments until my skin is better.  So then I practically fell to my knees begging her!  I want this to be over is such a way, I think I would consider selling a body part!  I know, the dramatics -- but physically, I know I can get through this.  It looks worse than it feels, although, it is very uncomfortable.  No kidding -- I have to sleep a certain way, avoid sunlight, be very careful in the shower and bath, careful with clothing -- you name it, I have to watch it so as not to scrape anything. Gross!  Anyway..............Back to the discussion with the doctor.  She obviously is thinking of the big picture for me and my recovery.  I could end up with some major infection if the skin breaks down too much.  So this weekend is a big weekend of extra prayers for healing!  A big weekend.  Once again, I am calling on my troops for healing.  I don't know if I can convey or articulate enough how emotionally drained and physically worn I am right now to anyone.  I feel like I've been pretty much mauled by a crowd.  A crowd of what is the question -- just mauled.
Yes, I am strong; yes, I can do this, but I need a BREAK.  I NEED AN END.  Perhaps, in the not-so big picture, I'm whiney -- oh, well. I think I'm entitled. I don't like that word too much:  ENTITLED, but that's my honest to God feelings.  I want this done.  I'm sure my poor family has had quite enough as well. I realize intellectually that I need to heal and need to go through all these steps.  But the human element and emotional side of me is soooooooooooooooooooo TIRED AND DONE with all this.  No more touching me, moving me, no more taping my poor right boob down to the side of the table each and every treatment;  negotiating my body by the milisecond over onto one side or another.  I just want to be a regular person again.......................................

Ok, with that, I also realize NOTHING will ever be the same. I get that.  I, too, have changed not only physically but even more inside -- emotionally and spiritually.  I am forever changed.  In actuality:  I love myself so much more than I ever did.  I love those around me even more -- whether they believe that or not because some days, I'm hardly loveable.  I do promise all this craziness isn't in vain.  I cannot believe all that I'm going through is in vain.  It just can't be. I cannot accept that. I will not accept this.  All I know is I must make something better in my future. I just don't know what that is just yet. Kind of like stating:  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
But that's very true as well.  Trying to be patient.  It's a daily battle with myself.  And still yet, I battle with the forgiveness aspect of my life.  I'm getting softer that way, so there is still hope for me.

I see my oncologist next week.  That's a double-edged sword for me as well. What I mean is I like my doctor and staff, but I don't want to see him because it's my clear reminder about CANCER. I don't want to hear any bad news.  I don't want any negative anything. But logically, at this point, I'm clear and clean inside my body.  I'm not sure what other tests will be needed other than certain obvious ones that I am already to deal with -- it's just the unknown for me.  I will begin a maintenance drug to prevent CANCER from infiltrating my body again. I pray daily (sometimes more than a few times in a day) that they don't find cancer anywhere else.  A person can't help but feel those inner thoughts when one goes through something like this. It doesn't come up often, but I have to admit, it does happen once in awhile. And when it does, I change that thought quickly.  It's an evil little thought that I don't want Cancer to have an opportunity ever again to disrupt my life. 

As for my letter.  I wrote the first draft.  And I've re-read it several times with a special few in my life.  I still need to clean it up, but I will be sending it most definitively.  I have to. 

So off I go beginning the weekend on a rather mellow note - I am asking all who can for more prayers, please. My angels have been very, very generous with me.  I appreciate all who has stood by my side through these months.  I cannot thank you enough. I continue to forward motion!  Just like my other sisters and brothers who are going through this journey.  There are positive lights out there!  I still feel those amazing hugs from time to time.  It's a warmth like no other.  I am blessed.  Sometimes I feel like a blithering fool muddling through -- but what can I say?  It is what it is.............And it's going to get better. I MUST!  I cannot accept anything else!  This is not in vain. 

I'm trying with all my might that My Cup's Half Full.  When I write, I feel more empowered than before. 
This is a wonderful platform for expression and hopefully, sharing -- so someone else can heal and know we are not alone in this bizarre journey. 

Ciao, Ciao!

I Wrote The Letter!

You may be asking, "What letter?" 

For weeks now I've written about a letter I, personally, must write to express my feelings about not being diagnosed or properly treated by my previous gynecologist.  This is an oversimplified explanation for my writing, but needless to say, I have needed to do this so I can move forward in my recovery and not be so angry.  I've had this letter in my head for weeks now. I've been going over and over with the emotions and words I've wanted to say.  But for some strange reason, I couldn't or wouldn't take the next step in simply writing down my words onto paper and/or write it on my laptop. 

I had a meeting with my radiology oncologist yesterday.  Let me say this about my doctor:  She is an amazing WOMAN and professional. She has everything we, as patients, need and want in a doctor. She has such a capacity of compassion, empathy, intelligence, accuracy, straight talking, and love. Wow, she is amazing.  While we met, I had quite the breakdown. I think she has been realizing I needed to do this.  I've been way too strong and not allowing myself to feel all the strange emotions I've been experiencing.  We must have spoke for at least 15 minutes.  She held my hand a few times, passed the tissues, and her words of wisdom were exactly what "the doctor ordered."   I didn't feel like a freak of nature. But she did have some very honest words that needed to be said.  She told me I need to be in counseling on a more consistent basis to get this angst out of me.  Tell it to someone who is on neutral grounds. I have gone from time to time to a lady who has helped me out during chemo treatments. It's time to go back -- I obviously need a little guidance. The way I feel about counseling is this:  You do the work. The counselor is a guide. They do not make magic happen.  I just need to stop trying to work my emotions out quietly. I can't and don't need to be so strong in the sense that I must control everything at all times.  Those days are gone.  They really are. Now, this doesn't mean I have no independent thought, etc, it just means I need guidance now. I'm going through hell right now.  I'm on the downhill slide, of course, but that doesn't mean it's that neat and tidy as far as emotions are concerned.  I'm still coming to grips with the fact my life has changed FOREVER.  I think in this day and age of life, sometimes we forget that we are not robots. We are HUMAN BEINGS with many different layers to ourselves.  So with that, I will put myself back into counseling and see what happens.  What's the worse that can happen?  I could drive my counselor to begin to drink heavily cuz I'm such a unique person.  LOL!!! Gotta laugh -- it's healthy! 

Getting back to the letter:  I have it in draft form currently. I will NOT post it on this blog. There are some things that are not comfortable for me to post on this format. TMI -- too much information.  Needless to say, I will send this letter.  I'm very proud of this letter.  I am completely honest with my feelings and kept to the facts.  I hope good will come out of this for this doctor as well.  One thing I did tell her: I pray for her daily.  This is the truth.  I do pray for her.  I don't wish her ill-will; just that she re-evaluate how she "practices" her medicine on her patients. 

When I finished writing my letter, I took one big breath and EXHALED cleanly.  There were no earth-shattering emotions that flooded my being, but through the course of my afternoon, I kept on feeling this calm come over me more and more and more. It was a gift!  I cleansed myself of sorts.  Talk about tranquility -- wow. I ate dinner with such  calm and enjoyed my family even more.  Even my pain from radiation had subsided somewhat. 

When I went to bed I had such a calm all around me.  I feel my angels were hugging me -- telling me, "Lynn, now, please rest and all is going to be okay.  Rest and don't worry." 

I guess that's what I did because I woke up very rested.  I feel lighter in step, too. 

It's never too late to learn... I continue to learn daily and my forgiveness is still a work in progress.

Ciao, Ciao.

Going to begin 4th week -- Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

What a great Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for and it was shared by family and extended family and friends.  The food was great and I was able to cook!  Of course, I had help and took a couple naps during the day, but it didn't stop the momentum of enjoying our family and friends.  So wonderful!

Considering how I have been feeling for a few weeks now since radiation started, I still am keeping the stiff upper lip!  I may not have been completely honest about many of my feelings I've been experiencing.  Sometimes when I go into my radiation room and the door has been closed, the machine starts up and all the reciprocating arms circle around me, somehow I begin to let out tears from my eyes.  I think about what is truly happening to my body and what is about to be beamed into my cells, it brings me to tears -- not the ugly cry but the kind that are non-stop streaming down the sides of my cheeks and puddles into my ears.  I can't move. I'm not supposed to move a millimeter during the process -- so there I lay with the tears. Not to mention, they have me taped to the table -- literally taped to keep my right breast from getting radiated. It's not a pleasant experience to go through. But I try to "leave" that space during my treatment -- I sing to the songs (they play my CD - Luther Vandross during my treatments); I visualize I have a bubble around my major organs for protection purposes, I think and go to my favorite mountain side in Civita D'Antino (Abruzzo region of Italy). I do what I have to in order not to completely freak out as I lay there.  Most would probably think:  "At least it's not chemo....." That's correct -- it's not chemo -- but it's still very serious treatment and no one knows, unless they have gone through it themselves, what really happens inside those rooms. No, it doesn't physically hurt; I'm not treated poorly ever -- I guess it's the culmination of all that I have been through.  I feel pretty done all in all. I don't want anymore advice, I don't want to hear anymore about "my tumors"; I don't want to drive daily 86 miles; I don't want to be strong; I don't want to have small talk as I am being taped to the table; I don't want anyone touching me!  With that being said, this doesn't mean I am resentful towards the amazing staff that deals with me daily.  They are my angels.  They are so supportive, uplifting, professional and all around nice.  It's the fact I have to do this because of that F***ing Cancer.

I have been pretty pensive to say the least at my home as well. Sometimes I get into moods of absolute quiet to filling up with venum.  My poor hubby is trying his best to keep me happy -- but he can't do it all. I have been viporous to him at times.  Not fair to him. There is no reason except for the fact I have been worrying about other things in our lives. It's life -- we all have worries -- different levels, of course, but just the same, worries.  Then, my daughters have been feeling the tension.....They keep asking me various questions trying to figure out what the heck is going on with me.  Of course, I haven't been communicating to them.  I have been trying to be quiet about my true feelings because it's my issue and not theirs.  Isn't that a hoot?  When a person develops cancer, it's the family's issue. Not just the patient's.  It's all our issue.  I know this, but haven't been walking the walk very well recently.  For so long I have been very peaceful, loving and tranquil.  But it changed about 3 weeks ago.  It happened when I had a big argument with my hubby about personal issues.  That's when I clamped down big time.  I mean sealed up.  And since then, I have been this festering pool of tension.  Needless to say, it didn't work.  It didn't work at all.  Thank God my family is a loud, communicating family. We really like to go to the point of uncomfortableness.

They came to me last night and confronted me big time about what they have been observing for the past few weeks.  Funny thing, I really didn't have a lot to argue about. At first I wasn't cooperating by being defensive.   But once I completely was honest with them, the flood gates opened and there I was a raging river of tears. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe at one point.  Oh, yeah, I haven't stated that my 88 year old mom is witnessing all this going on.  She really was a rock through all this. She had a lot to offer all of us -- her wisdom.  It was awesome!  Thank you, Mom!  You are my shining star!

Anyway, all that angst came out. All those worries came out loud; loud and clear to all.  Saying the words out loud confirmed once again to me that you don't have to go through this all alone.  I don't have to be perfect and in CONTROL at all times.  As a matter of fact, it feels so good not to be in control.  It feels so good to be completely and utterly vulnerable.  I feel safe with these people.  THEY LOVE ME. What a concept, eh?  They are in it for the long haul. They are not going to trample all over my feelings.  They have no intention of making me feel uncomfortable ever.  They just want to love me and get to know me better through all this hell oh earth.  This was so difficult for me even though I'm an open person, but going through all these emotions since being diagnosed has opened up a whole new way of thinking and feeling.  Each day I learn something new about myself.  Some days are better than others.  And the last few weeks have been awful!  Even though I have written all is good -- for the most part, going through the motions is good, but my inner feelings have been in turmoil.  So I must apologize to all my readers as well as apologize to myself for not be truly AUTHENTIC.  This is a difficult time in my life.  It's been the biggest challenge I have ever had to deal with.  I will continue to monitor and continue on this journey forward.  There are going to be days that are simply crappy. But for the most part they have been so good to me. I continue to rely on my faith, love and friendships. They are what keep me in check. I thank you and continue to love.

With that, my Cup's still half full and am still a work in progress.

Ciao, Ciao!

End of 2nd Week!

Today is the last day of my full 2nd week and so far so good! Still had been coughing and carrying on with my aftermath of some kind of virus, but apparently, I'm in good company with others.  Either way, I have been going to my appointments.  I had an exam with my radiolgy oncology doc on Wednesday.  I really like having our meetings.  It gives me a chance to ask all my little questions that have a way of creeping up.  My joints have been "paining" me, but that is still leftovers of chemo.  My hands are still swollen a bit -- post chemo. Everything seems to be POST chemo. Love it.  I just want to be able to wear my wedding ring daily.  I have placed it on my finger from time to time, but then I risk the issue of being able to pull it off my finger!  Not fun, so I wear a band, which is fine, but I do love my ring and want it back on my finger.  Soon enough -- PATIENCE.

Funny thing, I have lost a couple pounds since I've started radiation, but nothing that causes my treatment to change regarding the actual radiation beam.  When a person begins radiation treatment (at least in my case) they don't want you to lose weight because it can change the way the radiation beam affects your tissues. The nuclear physicists calculate each patient's specific treatment in a very exacting way.  But my little poundage loss is no biggy.  But I am encouraged about the weight loss because of my inflammation going on. Tired of it.  Want to move it forward -- a little while longer. Getting closer to being free of treatment.  Can't wait!

This weekend I have to go into radiation treatment on Sunday due to the fact the office will be closed the day after Thanksgiving!!!! So we all get 4 days off. And I know my therapists need some time to recharge and be with their families, etc.  I get to come in earlier on Sunday than normal which works for me!  Jim and I will make a morning of it and take ourselves out for a breakfast date.  Going to try a new little mom and pop restaurant in Vista that was recommended to us. So we'll make it a little adventure.  So I will will have treatments Sunday through Wednesday this next week. 

At this point, the only thing that is changing with this treatment so far is the tightness I'm feeling throughout my left breast area. It doesn't hurt, but I do believe the scar tissue is beginning to form.  My expanders feel tighter. And once again, I cannot wait to get these expanders out of my body as well. They are a necessary evil for me for this reconstruction, but I don't want to go through this ever again.  It's such a strange feeling I have in me at all times. I do ignore my uncomfortableness (is that a word?) but it's still there. Doesn't go away and cannot take it out when I'm tired of it. But in order to achieve what I wish for, this is necessary. So I guess, I cannot complain too much. Just an observation.

I've been keeping a constant prayer said for a friend of mine who was diagnosed recently with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy this week and she has been in my constant prayers!  It's such a clear reminder that we have to continue to be diligent big time with our lives.  I do pray one day this deadly disease will be a thing of the past. That we will be able to look back at this and be able to breathe a sigh of relief for our sisters in the future. I don't talk much about this fact for the simple fact I'm in the midst of all this, but I do pray all the time for a cure. I may not wear the ribbon or the pink breast cancer awareness but that is only because I'm living this. I don't need to show it anymore than I already do.  I'm rather subdued when it comes to that part of the breast cancer awareness campaign.  But that is ME and that's how I roll! I don't judge anyone else who want to show their support by wearing hats, pins, magnets, shirts, pants, etc.  But since I'm the white elephant in the room, I know--everyone else realizes I'm in some sort of treatment, etc.  But that doesn't mean I don't care and don't do my own campaigning for a cure.  Oh, on the contrary. 

This is the time of year we are all getting really geared up to go head-on into the holidays. There are so many blessings that have been bestowed upon me and my family and I am so very THANKFUL!  Mainly for a new beginning -- for my new LIFE -- for my new directions to come (even though I don't completely know exactly where they will lead me....) but I'm keeping the FAITH and HOPE alive!  I SMILE big time in the face of Cancer. It hasn't gotten me. It's still NOT welcome EVER in my body and home! It's not WELCOME in any of my family and friends.  It's just NOT WELCOME period!  I continue to Kill it with kindness and Love.  That is my commitment.  It will always be my commitment from here on out.

My next step is to finally write that letter I need to write.  I have it in my head but it's a step for me that I simply need to make the time for.  I still get so emotional -- I still feel some angst and need to get rid of it. I do realize this will be healing for me. That's not the real point -- I just have to sit down and write it like I do this blog.  But when I begin to handwrite it with ink to a few specific individuals, it will become so very real and final and I know I will be able to EXHALE finally!  So maybe this weekend will be it.  Stay tuned -- I will keep you posted when it's drafted and finished.  Big sigh of relief and I know I will breathe with ease of flow.....I imagine myself sitting on a dock with my feet lightly stroking the water's edge with the sun beaming onto my face giving me the warmth I love -- that's how I imagine the freedom of writing this letter will be for me.  So now I must do it!  'Just do it' as they say! I will. 

My Cup's still Half Full and I'm stronger than ever.......... Watch out world.  Lynn's on her way back.....

Ciao, Ciao!

2nd week -- getting into the groove.......

I begin my 2nd week going into it strong in my mind, but my body wants to be sick for some strange reason. I began last Thursday morning coughing, sneezing, etc -- by the afternoon, I had a low grade temperature.  I put myself to bed and began the task of drinking my fluids, sleeping and being quiet. Basically, staying out of site from all.  Seems like I'm still so susceptible to germs.  It all takes time to get better from chemo even though it's been a few months.  Still side effects linger.  Love it. NOT! 

Today when I go to radiation, I will let them know this is occurring and see if the nurse wants to see me and check me out. At this point I think it's a basic virus, but this whole game is so different now that when I do get "sick" it has a different way of showing itself.  I just don't want anything going into pneumonia, which is a concern that can occur.  Better to be safe and have it checked out.

Since this is my 2nd week of radiation treatment, my skin has not shown any signs of peeling or redness at this point. Apparently, it usually takes approximately 3 weeks for any signs of radiation side effects.  So far so good to this extent. 

I plan, once again, to restart my walking routine and  get back to the gym to begin a very low level workout to get back to my cardio level.  The more exercise I can do, the better.  I am working on my stretching -- oh, to be young again.  I used to be so incredibly limber.  Now, I have -- let's say boundaries that my body can and/or will do for me.  Sometimes I begin the giggle factor when I'm trying to go into a foward roll down to my feet.  Hah, it's just a hoot -- I can almost get there even with chest expanders residing in my body!  But still, I have a ways to go to achieve my little goal. Feels good to stretch! 

So I begin my day and later after radiation, I will go take the boys (my dogs) for their walk into my field (of dreams--LOL) or the area where I really let it out with my prayers or laughter or crying or whatever strikes me on that particular moment -- even quiet while I enjoy the dogs running their Yah-yahs out.  So cute to watch.

My Cup continues to be half-full.  I must because I'm closer to my end of treatments. And then, cancer free! That's the ultimate goal!  CANCER FREE!!

Ciao, Ciao

PS  My Mom arrives today!  88 years old and healthy as can be!  That's what I hope and wish for as well!

Finish first full week with a bang!

This will be a little update. 

Ever since I've finished chemo, my immune system has become compromised.  Seems like no big deal, but in the last 2.5 months, I have had 2 fevers.  This is a bummer of sorts due to the fact I want to be as normal as possible, but when I start to ache all over my body, get joint aches, strange headaches, foggy feeling  I know it's going to be coming on  soon. This week I had been sneezing  a lot and coughing due to the Santa Ana winds. Been staying inside during the major winds because I remember last year when I had 2 sinus infections during this windy time down here.  Obviously, I cannot fight it off just yet, because I ended up waking up feeling punky big time and achy all over.  Such a frustrating bummer. By 10am I had 100.5 temp.  Once again, I had to place myself on antibiotics because I cannot continue to be sick like this during radiation. 

I have to say, you haven't lived till you have a fever and have to go to your radiation treatment feeling like death warmed over laying out on the table, holding my arms above my head and having my radiation pulsate in the 6 specific areas they are treating. Thank goodness I was in a numb state of being and didn't mind it too much.  I sucked it up big time and didn't whine to my therapists. They knew I was definitely under the weather.  Frankly, I was a bit shocked they wanted me there even though I was feverish, but once again, I think you have to be on death's doorstep before they would cancel your treatment.  LOL!!!

Oh, well, this is going to make me tougher right?  Needless to say, my darling daughter drove me to and from Vista (35 mins each way) and I was folded up into my fetal position with my blankie wrapped around me. 

I'm in bed currently and my fever is gone for now.  I am drinking my fluids and getting up periodically to keep my body from getting too cramped up.  I have my 2 constant companions, Woody and Chewy faithfully sleeping along side of me -- I love how they can drift off into their slumber without any issues.
I wish I could say the same:  I'm laying here in a haze. At least I'm resting..

Ok. Done for now. Tomorrow I go back to radiation and I will finish my first full week.  I have 21 more treatments. Yippee Skippee!  At least it's NOT chemo!  Thank you, GOD and all my angels!

Ciao, Ciao

I Now Glow in the Dark!

Today was a good day -- in a manner of speaking.  At the beginning of my day, I took a nice walk with my 2 dogs.  They make me laugh always and I especially get a kick out of watching them tear down the trail and field I walk through so they may get some of their excess Yah-yahs out of their system.  I love it.  Came back did my housework and even ironed!  Yes, IRON clothing!  I love to do so when I'm preoccupied or have unsettled feelings.  Today, I had good reason to have unsettled feelings due to the fact I was beginning my 6-7 week process of radiation therapy.  Now, I realize it could be so much worse -- I'm always aware of this fact, but the unknown to me can grow bigger than what it needs to be -- I visualize in a positive way, but I'm still a human being and this is how I process things especially these days.  It's been such a secret as to RADIATION THERAPY.  When I've heard about people getting radiation, this includes when my father had radiation treatment for prostate cancer, I thought it was done possibly in a room that looked very white and had a big machine in the center -- a nurse and/or tech would place some kind of mechanism on the site where it needed to focus and that would be it. 

Well, it's not quite that way for me and my breast situation.  Now, I've already written that I knew I would be lying down -- that is correct.  When I walked into this large room which was painted quite nicely -- blues that calm a person down -- I didn't expect to see such a large radiation machine that had a large retractable type arm that had a square looking screen attached to it as well.  I was placed on the table that sits in front of the machine -- laying face up with my head towards the machine.  The techs began quickly and swiftly all the while explaining to me what was going on, what areas they were focusing on, where my tattoos were going to be placed, etc. -- it was still very overwhelming how quickly they were getting to it.  I looked up and there was a dome area with computer generated stars with shooting stars that would come across the domed area. It was really beautiful and calming -- good job designers whoever they were.  I found myself watching every motion they were doing.  I was specifically told, "DO NOT MOVE."  No wiping the nose, no scratching this or that. DO NOT MOVE.  Ok, I am a good little patient.  I didn't move till a single tear dripped down the side of my face.  I couldn't help it.  I had to wipe it away.  I guess I finally realized the magnitude of my situation.  While they were working so diligently to make all the marks perfect so they can erradicate any potential cells, I was feeling major emotions. No, I didn't begin to cry, it was that single tear that overflowed.  I guess, the one that got away!  LOL.  Anyway, I tried to clear it and I was swiftly told to stop moving, please.  Then before I could say anything further, one of my techs got a tissue and wiped my eyes for me. The 2nd tech reassured me and placed a reassuring hand on me to let me know it's going to be all ok.  It's kind of funny how I have to process the way I do. I wish sometimes I was made of steel and could get through things as if I was a cool cucumber.  But NO way -- I guess I am sensitive enough to feel everything -- oh, well. That's me. Love me or not! 

Once all was set-up, they left the room and did the dry run. The machine began to move around me -- some little machine came out from the side of the main machine and began to make noise -- apparently that was an x-ray machine -- very efficient if you ask me. Then it retracted back in place -- then the upper arm began to move around my upper torso area making it's specific noises it needs to.  I watched it come up from my right side come over the top front of me and over to my left. It finished what it needed to do and then came back over me.  Once this was done, the tech came back in and told me they would now begin the radiation process -- she shut the door, which by the way, was a very thick vault-like door! DANG! They turned on music, which was nice --  I was left there by myself  with my thoughts and prayers...............I cannot articulate my thoughts that were swirling in my head.  Part of me was saying, "Here I go; this is the beginning of the end of this whole journey to my healing; oh, dear how do I get out of this one; will I feel my organs heat up; have they made the correct computations for this radiation; what's for dinner....."
No, not really about the dinner thing, but my thoughts were swirling quickly and rapidly in my head.
I also thought, even though it's been months now, I still can't believe I'm in this situation and having to go through this process.  Weird emotions maybe; but maybe not.  I truly believe this is normal.  How can it not be normal?  Either way, I survived it and will survive 27 more treatments. It's going to be very important that I keep on my radiated area aloe vera gel 99% and/or Miaderm cream -- which I was given samples.  This is to prevent any peeling, sunburn issues, etc. I cannot take hot baths or hot showers -- luke warm, yes.  There are more details, but I will spare all of you. 

For the first treatment it took 30 minutes.  Tomorrow should take about 20 minutes and thereafter.  So on I go and cannot wait till this is finished.  I should be finished by Dec. 20.  At least I hope that to be the case.

I continue to pray and pray and pray all this will be resolved and I will be a part of the cure!  My family and friends are my rocks and I appreciate all the love they share with me. It's so important and I need it more than ever.

Yes, my Cup's still half full! 

Ciao, Ciao!