PHEW! This DAY Passed......

I just have to share that today was a good day.  After I planted my rose bushes, I was so exhausted from the digging part and fighting with some of the so-called "rocks" we have in the soil, I came into the house and collapsed into my chair.  As I rested, my whole perspective on the day finally changed.  It's so weird how intense my emotions were and am half embarrassed by it -- but it's funny when one is sleep deprived how ridiculous one's perspective is. 

Then, I received a phone call from my youngest daughter.......She then asked how my week had been.  One thing, we JOHNSON's do is talk very openly now about our emotions.  And they made me promise to talk with them. But I forewarned them that "you better be careful as to what you ask for." 
So I opened up to her and told her what I have been "feeling" leading up to yesterday.  And, once again, when I finally was completely honest I was able to get past whatever the heck was eating at me inside.  And, yes, I have to admit, I really, really feel such relief. 

As the night progressed, I was enjoying my family time -- yes, I made that wonderful meal and they loved, loved, loved it -- as did I.  I retired for the night and slept like a baby. Only woke up twice but no big deal -- went right back to sleep.  I was unconscious and no dreams last night.  Just slept deeply.

I wake up today and was ready for today's adventure down to San Diego with my family.  And what a day we had.  My daughter had to have a medical test; as I waited, I was able to knit like a crazy fool. Loving every moment of it. (FYI- her medical test didn't hurt and went really well). ANYWAY..........

We went to a coastal restaurant after her test and celebrated.  Nice place and had a chance to enjoy the seagulls and harbor seals. Made me feel a little homesick for the Northcoast.........But I still lov the weather down here so much better.

Today has been a good day overall and am looking FORWARD and not BACKWARDS any longer. 
It's supposed to rain all weekend and am looking forward to getting some rain!  So Cal is lacking big time in that department.  I want to nest!

I'm hanging in there and doing fine and looking forward again.  I'm so lucky to be alive and well.
I know the prayers and good wishes are coming through big time.  I feel it! I feel it!  And, more importantly, I know it.

Ciao, Ciao

What is Wrong with ME?

I feel the need to write today due to the fact tomorrow, March 16, 2012, will be the first anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  Some would say that this day may be one of celebration and others may say this may be a day of sorrow.  All I know in my heart is that I feel so sad. 

How can this be?  How can I be feeling sad when just last week I got the fantabulous (my word - fabulous and fantastic wrapped into one word) news that I'm cancer free.  I have been so happy and relieved all at the same time; however, I also knew this anniversary was coming up and have been trying to put it out of my mind. I just want this day to go by and not have another thought about it.  But, once again, I am ME and I have a tendency to over-think things, I guess.  Perhaps, I haven't been busy enough -- I sure have been trying to keep myself busy everyday and try to have a sense of norm.

I also had 2 appointments scheduled today with my oncologist and my general surgeon (just as a follow-up).  I woke up about 4am this morning thinking about the day ahead, etc. It was just eating at me about what could be said at the doctors' offices today. I had this epiphany of sorts that I simply don't want to see another doctor until I get past this anniversary. I just want a sense of freedom from doctors.  I'm so sick and tired of my life being wrapped around the next doctor's appointment.  I'm sick of it.  I know it may be my immature or denial of sorts not facing another doctor's visit -- even though there is good news.  I'm so sick and tired of these doctors.  So I called both doctors' offices today and rescheduled. 

I have a sense of relief for now even though next Thursday I will have to go to these appointments. It is what it is, but I just needed this week to get over with.  Tomorrow I do have plans to be out of the area with my family -- we have appointments down in San Diego for my daughter. This will be a good distraction because it will not be about me.

When I was running some errands this morning, I was feeling sad quietly to myself.  I had parked near a business I had to go into when I saw these 2 women who are in their twilight years walking  out of a salon.  They both were having a regular conversation with one another as they departed the business. Then suddenly one of the 2 women reached out for the other one's hand and took it into hers.  You could see they were dear friends just caring for one another as they walked off.  It struck me, once again, how wonderful life can be with dear friends -- reaching out to one another and being there for one  another.  It showed me again, how important it is to show the ones you love or care about that life goes forward no matter what else may be going on in our lives.  Make the most of your life and appreciate what we/you have. 

Apparently, I haven't been near my close friends of late, but they are always in my heart and in my thoughts.  I spend a lot of time by myself, which is a good thing -- but sometimes it can be very lonely.
I'm not complaining because I do have such a wonderful life here; but sometimes I wish I had my friends close by to let them know I care about them.  Thank goodness for the cell phone where you can text them and say a little shout-out ever so often. I don't want to bother anyone at their places of business, but at least they may have a little message ever so often that I'm thinking about them and that they are in my heart.

The good news is tomorrow will come and then go away.  And I can't wait for that. Tomorrow I will be busy with my family and that will keep my mind off this stupid anniversary.  As I have said a lot in the past years:  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  And it is very true. I have gotten through so much this past year.  How can one day in my life upset me to this point?  How do I let this time go by because of the way I might be feeling?  Seems rather a waste to a great degree, but the fact of the matter is, my life changed forever on that date.  It has... Good, bad or indifferent -- it has changed.  I guess I just have to feel these emotions and then be done with them. I want to throw them into some crater because it's really not like me to waste time on something that has already occurred.  I know this is a normal experience I'm going through and may not be the last. But thank goodness I can write it down, get it out of my head and go on with the rest of my day. 

I plan to make a lovely dinner for my husband and daughter.  I also plan to treat us to some sort of bad-for-me dessert. I frankly don't care if they are empty calories, fatty or whatever.  But for now I will indulge, enjoy and have no regrets!

The only thing I regret is allowing this Cancer journey to get me down today.  So I am going to turn it around and be happier in spite of it!  As I have been told many moons ago:  Kill it with kindness.  So I will.  Then later, I will laugh about this day, possibly shake my head and close the door on this chapter, I hope, forever. 

I think I'm going to go plant some rose bushes I have sitting out in my backyard waiting to go into the ground.  I love this time of year.  I love the "new beginnings" of life. Perhaps I just found my happiness again -- go plant my bushes.

Onward!  Tomorrow will come and go and I'm happy to report I'm still around and getting healthier each day!  I guess we're never too old to learn and appreciate!

Ciao, Ciao!

GOT MY PET SCAN RESULTS

I have an extremely short blog tonight:


I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!  I AM CANCER FREE!!! OH, DID YOU HEAR?  I AM CANCER FREE!!!

That would be me yelling from the tops of the mountain top in Civita D'Antino, Italy!!!  HEAR ME ROAR!!

Oh, yes, MY CUP'S HALF FULL!


CIAO, CIAO!!

Long Time NO BLOG!

I thought I should get back on the site and say a few words as to what has been going on lately.  I haven't been on due to not taking the time to write down my feelings.  Plus, I don't like to write when I don't feel inspired in some way.  I do have to admit, I often wonder WHY does anyone really care what I have to say anyway?  But from the beginning this platform has been solely for the purposes of getting my emotions out of my body since I was diagnosed. 

I have an anniversary coming up regarding my diagnosis.  It will be one year as of March 16 that I found out I had breast cancer.  I have to say, I'm not freaked out by this anniversary at all. I don't consider this day one of celebration rather one of awareness and a stark reality that, I, too, am like so many others that unfortunately had to begin this road of HEALING. 

If you have followed me all along the way, Congrats to you!  You, too,  have experienced some of the trials, tribulations, fears, love, and new found freedoms I have shared along the way.  Grant it, I haven't written ALL that has happened or has changed in my life for the simple fact it's simply too private to share.  This forum goes out all over the world and I was once told that if you cannot write something on the social media that all can read freely without causing you great worry or concern, then you better not write it at all.  So I'm comfortable with what I have shared and I'm also very, very comfortable about which I have chosen NOT to share.

With that, so what has Lynn been up to since the last blog?

I've been trying to get into a regular routine of sorts for myself -- whatever that means. I simply don't know where the day flies by -- before I know it, I look at the clock and it's 3pm or 5pm or 7pm. Amazing how time is flying, but I don't believe I'm wasting my time. 

I have to admit, I cuddle with my dogs each and every morning (most mornings anyway).  Woody, my big Chocolate lab "assumes" his position on the bed.  Of course, I have his special blankie so as not to spread his lovely hair everywhere.  He's a special guy because he really doesn't shed like so many other labs we've had over the years.  The Yellows really shed big time.  We had a black lab for years, Bacardi -- Cardi for short-- who didn't shed that much either.  Either way, I take no chances and keep Woody's blankie ready and available upon his entry onto the bed.  Chewy, my little guy -- he's a Morkie (Maltese, Yorkie mix). He's 7 lbs now and still likes to cuddle big time. Of course, he assumes his position tightly up agains my neck.  I still am amazed at how he can roll up like a little ball.  When he's completely warm and cozy, he stretches out like "dead dog" with his little legs stretched out like a stiff board. Pretty funny to see.  Either way, that's how I start my day. 

I usually go to PT to work out twice a week.  I'm on a special program to get me jumped started back into to an exercise routine.  I asked for this assistance because I hadn't worked out for so long and also, I was wanting to safeguard my heart since it was radiated on the lower lobe.  This has proven to be a very good avenue for myself because my PT -- Dr. Rey, has been there watching my every move.  I'm monitored and pushed to move forward. It's also helped me to get the confidence again in my ability to get that heart rate back up there.  I still experience a little light-headed activity after I've had a big workout. When I bend over to stretch -- as I lift my body back into the upward position, sometimes I get light-headed.  So I have to pay more attention on my BREATHING.  My PT is all over me about my breathing.  It's going to take time, but I am proud as to how I'm bouncing back and getting stronger.  I have a ways to go, but at least I'm at the point where I feel stronger and more confident.  I haven't begun on weights as of yet.  I have a lot to learn about my potential to get lymphodema.  I'm a little hesitant to tug and push using my left arm (this is where I had 18 lymph nodes removed from my armpit - axillary). Although yesterday I was out in my backyard attempting to plant 5 pink Jasmine vines up along my arbor area. This so-called "soil" we have here in Murrieta, really is a joke. It's hard like cement because it's ground up granite and sand. Horrible, horrible stuff.  I can't even call it earth.  It's just muck.  So it's quite the workout as one can imagine for the simple act of attempting to dig a hole for a plant.  I was able to get only 2 of the 5 plants into the ground.  But what a workout.  Wow!  It felt great but I couldn't help wonder if this is going to cause me lymphodema.  So I stopped pushing it. I did my best as I could for now and will get my ever-so-faithful hubby to finish the job for me.  I love, love, love to garden.  It's also a zen-like experience for me.  Recently we planted a huge fruitless olive tree out in an area of our back side yard that will be part of a courtyard we will begin to build soon.  This tree is so majestic.  I love it. We will bring in a couple more similar to it to balance it out in the landscape. 

OK. Now, I'll talk a little more about how I'm fairing regarding doctors' visits.

I just had a PET Scan at Scripps 1 week ago ( February 24, 2012).  I know I should be used to all the testing and other rigors that are expected of me. For me, it's like a double-edged sword. I want to know but I don't want to go through the tests for the simple anxiety of it.  Sounds strange maybe to some, but for ME I get a little anxious at the prospect there might be more cancer to be found.  Now, having written this down/saying it/admitting this, the logical side of me says, "How can cancer possible be there when my last PET scan came out clear as a whistle?  How can it possibly live in me when I was chemoed out and radiated almost to death?  How can this be possible?"  I think it's a very normal process to wonder and concern oneself with the prospect it can still come back even though my type of cancer wasn't/isn't aggressive.  The docs all tell me this is very normal and I will get more relaxed about it as I get further out FROM my treatments.  The more a normal routine I get the better it will be for me. I know I probably wouldn't be feeling so much this way if I were working at a job currently because I would have better things to focus my attention on. That's why I keep myself very busy doing whatever I can to be as normal as possible and not to focus on my health so much.  Yes, I still have to take care of myself -- I have changed so much in my lifestyle, which has been a great thing.  But when one has relevancy in one's life, it makes one feel normal.............AW, NORMAL. It really does feel so good to be feeling stronger, healthier and alive.  I have to say, each day it does feel more normal for me -- whatever that is anymore, but it does.  I only have issues when I have to go see a doctor. I have to laugh about that because it's not like I'm being hurt physically -- it's just I don't want to hear any bad news.  There~  I said it!  I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY BAD NEWS. I simply don't want to hear it.  NO, NO, NO.  It's like this pendulum that swings from one extreme side to the other with me.  Once again, I've been told this is very normal to feel this way.  I have to say/write, that I'm always relieved completely once I admit this is how I feel. My poor hubby --- he listens to my angst a lot of the time once I admit my true feelings. Thank GOD for my hubby.  He's so strong for me.  He listens and then hugs me big time.  And then he has the audacity to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful!  Wow!  how can he believe that?  LOL!!  You know, beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder!  And I'm so lucky to have my mate loving me this way.  It makes all this craziness get put back into perspective.

One would think I would be having issues regarding the loss of my breasts.  Now, I'm going to be point-blank honest here:  I DO NOT MISS MY BOOBS!  I simply don't.  I think I did a good job of divorcing myself from them when I had to face that decision. But more importantly, for ME, cancer was inside my body and I wanted it out! So the trade-off has been fine for me.  I really like how my tops fit on me now.  Yes, I'm still a work in progress considering I'm not fully "reconstructed" yet, but I still like the major reduction.  I still have to heal COMPLETELY inside and out of my body before my doc will do the final surgery.  I find it a little funny that I still have bras in my dresser drawer when I don't and can't use them!  LOL!!  It's  yet another final phase I have to get through in order for complete healing, I guess. Oh, well.  Maybe today will be the day I finally get rid of those bras with no purpose.

Overall, I'm a happy camper. As long as I'm moving forward. I like the foward motion of life very much! I refuse to feel sorry for myself because there is no need for that nonsense. I know I'm blessed and am one of the luckiest people on this earth. And  I also don't take naps any longer!  I'm a big girl now!  Gotta laugh about that one. The simpliest of things that thrill me..........Whatever, right?

I have more to say, but for now I think I've purged enough. As I sit here writing on my laptop,  I hear my birds singing outside happily in my tree which is yet another reminder why I'm so happy, too!   It's the simple things in life that wrap me up with love and warmth.  Life is all around us -- enjoy it and treasure it. Sounds cliche?  Oh well, I'd rather spend my life smiling a lot more than with worry and sorrow.

Today, I have more planting to do outside, so I'm going to go do that and then we will head on down to UCSD to watch Humboldt State Men's Basketball in a tournament with some friends who are visiting. Can't wait to yell and scream and carry on! 

I would most definitely say my Cup's Half Full! 

Ciao, Ciao!

I keep on getting healthier!

I figured since it's been awhile I should write down some thoughts I've had since the last time I've written.

I have gone to my plastice surgeon and all is healing well. He is very happy with how my chest looks with the incision marks acrossed each breast -- meaning they are healing well from when I had my bi-lateral mastectomy.  And at that time, the chest expanders were placed under my chest muscle.  Since August 29, 2011, I've had these expanders in my body. They have been very pinchy and uncomfortable at different times. I've had to modify the way I move my upper chest area. It feels like I have some kind of armor wear on my chest at all times.  Of course, I can breathe easily -- no issues that way. It's just uncomfortable at times with certain movements.  My doctor told me I would have these expanders in me now for about 6 - 12 months more. I know there is the curiosity:  Why so long? 

I'm still healing!  I have been through a lot and all my tissues inside my chest area need time.  I have been toxified with Chemo, I've been cut and then RADIATED.  So my body needs time.  As much as I am wanting my new boobies, I realize it's more important for complete healing inside as well as outside.  More importantly: INSIDE.  I'm doing well with my overall emotional side of things -- dealing with being "in between" kind of having boobs and not being finished with reconstruction. But I have all the confidence in my doc and his staff that all will work out.  He's a very meticulous person and very refined at making the best decisions regarding how I should be "put back together."  That's exactly what I want. I hear and read about the opposite happening to other women and I, once again, feel very lucky as to how I've been treated during this whole ordeal.

I will see my doctor again in about 6 weeks to see how I am progressing with the healing from my radiation -- skin color changes, texture; seeing if there are issues that will pop up.

I guess I want to expand on the healing process because I'm not sure how it is for other females, but for me I'm feeling so much better but at this stage it's rather misleading.  Meaning:  Yes, I'm feeling better, getting into normal life "somewhat" but I'm still not back to normal.  I have explained it to my family this way:  I feel like this horse that is ready to run the race - I'm in the gate ready for it to be opened, and I'm pressing up against that gate because I want to break through and run the race of my life.  I want to GO!  I hope that makes sense, but that's how I feel daily.  Then the more logical side of me realizes that if I go crazy out of the gates - I could end up hurting myself. And I don't want to go backwards at all!  I've come this far and I don't want to ruin it for myself.

My radiation burn has almost completely healed with the exception of one little patch of skin that is taking its sweet time healing.  I still will get "shooters" through my left breast area and armpit area (axillary) from the radiation.  Yes, you still cook weeks and weeks after radiation.  And I have to say:  It's not a fun time getting those shooters.  Wow, sometimes, they almost take my breath away.

My fingernails have almost completely healed. On both hands, my ring fingers and pinkies have been the very last 4 nails to completely heal.  Such a strange thing to watch. No, it doesn't hurt at all.  Just weird to see how slow they heal -- maybe it isn't slow -- not sure if others have this same thing occur.

My eyelashes are growing still. They are filling in nicely and getting thicker. They aren't as long as they used to be -- once again, not sure if they will continue to get longer at this point.  I have read that they can still fall out and then regenerate several times before they become more permanent.  I have noticed this occurring with my lower lid eyelashes -- not so much with my upper lid eyelashes.  My eyebrows are filling in but they are most definitely lighter, but they are still growing in.  I have no desire to tattoo them in until I have fully healed. I have the option to pencil additional color in if I want.  I haven't gotten into that too much just because I don't care enough to do so.  LOL!!

My hair is growing like a weed!  OMG, what a mop I've got growing back in.  I'm not complaining at all, it's just an observation!  And, the color is GREY and BLACK and BROWN.  So funny.  Looking pretty good.  Most people love my hair as they think I had it cut this way (styled, I should say!)  So great!  It makes me feel more "normal" that it's not as obvious to others that this was a NUKE job rather than a  STYLED hairdo!  LOL!! I have this paste hair product and I add it to my hair so I get the effect of my hair standing on end -- rather edgy looking. I look very artsy. Loving it!  If I have to be this way, I'm going to make the most of it. And I'm going to wear it well as they say! Why not?  I want to feel good about myself and I'm enjoying this new look.

I have started a new workout program with a wonderful Physical Therapist here in Temecula called Perpetual Motion Physical Therapy.  Dr. Rey is monitoring me closely as I begin a new workout program to bring me back to a level of health.  Monitoring my heart rate, making sure I don't pass out onto the floor; getting me more flexible. I still need to do more YOGA. That is an all round great workout -- mind, body, spirit. And one never realizes how much you are working out till you are into it. It's amazing.

My hubby and I have a new bed -- well, we had to file a warranty claim on our Tempurpedic because it had literally caved in well beyond our body contours -- we've been sleeping in holes for months now. Anyway, they have a great warranty program. I filed all the necessary papers, photos, etc.  Then I received notification that we would be receiving a whole new complete bed! That means, base unit and the mattress.  The newer models are 40 lbs. heavier!  But we have a great frame, so we don't worry.  Needless to say, we are very happy campers and we both are sleeping so much better. It's amazing what a good mattress makes for overall good health!  My energy level is booming big time.  I love the fact I'm feeling better and better!  My body is beginning to respond so much better to the exercise. My inflammation is starting to reduce.  FINALLY!!!  I have a long way to go, but it's beginning to work!

I'm sure on my next blog I will be addressing a certain amount of issues I'm beginning to face -- meaning, catching up with my thoughts on what has transpired in the last few months going through all these changes.  It's pretty overwhelming at times, but for the most part I'm really emotionally healthy and I know it's because I pray so much and I am able to share with those who want to listen. (poor them!  LOL!!) Either way, it's very real and I try to take it day by day only.  Can't look too far into the future.

Yes, my Cup's Half Full and hanging in there. 

Ciao!

It's a Dawn of a New Day ~ Divine Intervention Exists!

My immediate family had an opportunity to take my mom back up to her home in Northern California over the weekend. California is an incredibly long, long state to drive!  We drive to the opposite side of the state in 2 days now.  We never drive it in one day.  It's simply not worth the exhaustion -- so we try to drive 10 hrs in one day and make it an easy trip the second day. 

Mind you, this is the first time to be back in my home town since I was diagnosed.  I've had great emotion about going back -- I/we have very deep roots in this community.  We have so many friends and acquaintances -- everywhere we go, we know people.  It's a good feeling but it can be a little daunting at times getting to and from our destinations because we end up visiting.

I have to say I was like a little kid getting so excited about getting back to where we are from.  I couldn't wait to drink the water, feel the cool, cool air against my face and feel true COLD -- sounds a bit odd, but when you have hot flashes the way I do now, it's a great treat to feel "cold."  The other cool thing is we know this area like the back of our hands and we can enjoy all the best of the best this area has to offer --- I was so hoping to be able to give back to the local economy -- YARNS!!! Of course that's not the only thing we like to support, but in my case, it's a big deal to get the great yarns from the very cool local businesses. 

Before I left for the northcoast, I sent my letter to my former gyno and another letter to the medical society making it attention to their executive director.  I knew that the letters could possibly reach their destinations by Friday and/or Saturday (Jan. 7 or 8th).  As a brief re-cap, this is the letter that I have been talking about --the one that I wanted to send to my former doctor letting her know what my fate has been since March 16, 2011. A letter that was and is very open and honest as to what has transpired to me and my situation -- the fact I went undiagnosed for all those years living in my former community.  I wanted this letter to be one of education, honesty and of true feelings/emotions I've had during this journey.  I have to say, I am very proud of my letter(s) to all parties concerned.  Once again, I will not be pursuing legal action -- there is no winning in my situation as far as I am concerned.  I feel I can be more effective by being honest and open so that maybe -- just MAYBE -- the parties concerned will read and take notice and possibly LEARN and pass it forward into their practices that this won't happen to anymore beautiful and amazing women that live up in my home town. Many people do a lot of talking about "You should do this or you should do that..." but then they never ever follow through. I, for one, am done with  hoping it will work itself out.  I am a doer and I did this because I care about what happens for others who still live up there.  I want to make some kind of impact so that maybe, finally, something will change up there.  Symbolically, the SEED has been planted and maybe it will germinate into a flourishing plant that will grow and spread like an invasive vine!

I have prayed and prayed that my letters will not fall on deaf ears or blind eyes. Someone please listen or read and question policies, procedures, etc.

You know what they say: You better be careful what you ask for.........

This is no kidding ~  we were in the process of packing our vehicle to depart from the area.  I was in the kitchen getting a couple items in order before I was to walk out and place into my car.  The phone rang, my mom answered and then walked over to me and stated to me this call was for me. I was a little surprised because I had said good-bye to my immediate family already......Then I hear a female voice on the other side of the phone -- it was my FORMER gynecologist!  She had received me letter and was calling me to hopefully make sense out of what had transpired.  She told me she was devastated by receiving my letter~ that she was extremely sorry for what has happened to me and that she wanted to understand further what my words to her truly meant.  First off, I was so shocked that she found me.  She found me at my Mom's house at that time and at that moment in time.  This is why I say it must have been DIVINE INTERVENTION.  I immediately needed to find somewhere to sit so I could get focused with this conversation of a lifetime.  The most amazing calm came over me. I felt incredibly calm, focused, clear-minded and genuinely interested in listening. My former doctor talked for about 2 minutes straight explaining to me her shock and confusion about all that I had informed her. Very apologetic -- I completely understood ~ I do know it must have been very uncomfortable for her NOT TO HEAR A WORD from me until she asked me a question.  I was in no hurry to interrupt.  I most definitely wanted her to feel the SILENCE.  Sometimes that complete silence at the other end of a conversation can be the most effective.  Once again, when she asked me questions, I was able to give her complete, concise and very open and honest answers.  I wasn't throwing things into her face; I wasn't being patronizing; I wasn't angry -- I know I was given GRACE.  It was so profoundly powerful for me.  This grace must have come from my angels that have been guiding me through such heavy times.  I've had many a conversation in my head if I were ever given the opportunity to have a conversation with my former doc.  How many people get an opportunity to do this when you've been "wronged" the way I have.  All I've known was I had to write the letters so I could move forward in my life without carrying this toxicity.

Needless to say, she and I proceeded to have a conversation woman to woman. My youngest daughter witnessed the conversation along with my husband and mom. They stated that it was like watching the "old wise one" who was able to give words of wisdom when it was needed.  My intentions were clear -- all I wanted was for her to listen to my request that she BE PRESENT for her patients and that she go the extra mile for her patients. She was very apologetic; I know she was listening -- she was living her nightmare as a doctor and I realize this.  I didn't need to remind her of this fact.  I did let her know about what I have been experiencing without going into too much detail because it was all said in the letter to her.  I know this was a moment in her life that she will never, ever forget -- and I'm glad! I think our conversation lasted 20 minutes.  But I finally had to tell her I needed to go -- we were getting in our car before she called.  It felt so right for me to end this conversation.  I had said everything I wanted to say.  I have such great relief I cannot tell anyone how wonderful it feels.  I have no regrets; I don't have to hold onto ill-will any longer and I am finally FREE!  Oh, what a feeling this is and has been since I've been home from Northern California.  The further we traveled away from my home town, the better I felt and still do.  I do care for my friends and former neighbors and colleagues, but my life is here with my family and new friends and neighbors.  I have no ill will up there, I have CLOSURE! It's a beautiful thing!  I still have more challenges ahead, but at least I have this horrible toxic subject closed! I will always pray for my sisters up there!  Always! The seed has been planted ~ maybe there will be changes.

You see, My Cup's Half Full!  It's worth being positive!  It's worth it! I don't believe in harboring ill-will feelings and carrying around hatred! NO WAY!  I'm ALIVE AND WELL!  HEAR ME ROAR!   

It's Gunna Be a Great 2012!

I had to write something before 2011 ends.  I have a couple of things that I wanted to chronicle before I forget.

Since the last time I wrote, I have seen my radiology oncologist for a skin check regarding my burn area on my chest. To her horror, she saw my skin. She was extremely apologetic that I've had to endure additional pain considering the road I've been on up to this point.  When we decided to continue forward and finish my radiation treatments, I had only 2 left.  I begged her to let me finish and not make me come back after Christmas.  My skin had already been compromised and I knew it.  So did everyone else.  There is NO BLAME here whatsoever.  I have NO regrets going forward and finishing my last 2 treatments. But wow, it has been a road of recovery.  One cannot imagine how ugly, disgusting, gross and down right awful it is to have a 3rd degree burn in an area that is thin and very exposed. Once again, I consider this such a learning experience for me to appreciate others sufferings. I'm not the only one who has suffered. There are millions of people out there that are suffering much worse than I. This whole ordeal with Cancer is a learning experience for me to pay attention and gather new understanding. 

I can't tell you how many times I hear "I know my troubles are nothing compared to yours. OR I shouldn't be complaining because you have it so much worse than I do."  Here's the deal:  There is no one upsmanship at all for what we go through. WE ALL have challenges we go through in our lives. Mine happens to be dealing with Stage 3 Breast Cancer.  I'm on the healing side of it now.

THANK YOU MY ANGELS, MY GOD AND ALL WHO PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY!
My point is I hope and pray for additional understanding and can continue to live a truer and more honest life than I have before.  I do want my life back and to be looked upon once again as a regular person who is intelligent, relevant, productive and loving in this life we live.  I don't want those looks of, "Poor Lynn."  I do understand people don't know what to do or say sometimes,  I get that.  But I hope people will look past this.  That's my prayer and wish. It's going to take time.  Once again, yet another lesson in life.  I am continuing to walk forward and finding my new voice in all this journey. 

My letter that I wrote a few weeks ago will be going out to my former gyno tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing myself place that letter in the mailbox for delivery. As I place that letter in that blue slot, I know I will be giving it up symbolically.  I have been very honest in this letter.  It's not a letter of hate whatsoever. Rather, it's a letter of hope for change in the way she may look at her patients.  I hope she will read and find understanding. True understanding.   Some friends have mentioned to me that I should take this to the next level -- suing the doctor(s).  I have said to them:  NO WAY!!!!  If anyone has ever gone through the legal system -- you better be very, very prepared emotionally and monetarily.  No one wins really.  At least from where I'm coming from for my situation, I don't feel it would help ME or my family in anyway.  If nothing else it's a road of resentment and of NEGATIVITY that I don't want in my life at all.  It's easy for some to give their opinions when it doesn't affect them. I, for one, will not pursue any legal action -- that subject is CLOSED and not up for debate. 

My days have passed rather quickly recently while dealing with my burn area. The doctor was correct that one day I will wake up and will have turned a corner in the healing of the affected area. That has finally happened for me. I still slather loads of Silvadene on my site area (6" by 8" area) I have customized a few of my t-shirts to expose my area so air can access my chest.  When I go out of the house, I place 5 Telfa Pads on the area to protect it while I wear my regular clothing. Right now the clothing has to be very loose and thank goodness we have great weather down here so I can wear the lighter clothes. But it's not good to cover up my burn area. I'm supposed to keep it free and open. Yes, I stay inside a lot. If I go out in the sun, the Silver in the Silvadene turns grey.  Yes, you guessed it -- it's a mess.  Temporary, but a mess.  We as a people will complain about inconveniences all the time, well, this has been my big time inconvenience. But at least today I feel better and have more energy because the pain isn't as great. Oh, yeah, and my Percocet really helps this! No worries -- I'm not addicted to prescription drugs.  But I am taking full advantage of pain relief.  I now believe in heading off the pain!  I don't have to suck up anything anymore.  That attitude has changed significantly. My family has been all over me to make sure I do keep on my regimen-- keep ahead of the pain.  Until one has gone through a similar situation, no one can relate.  Suffice it to say, I hope by next week, I can reduce my medication intake significantly. 

Speaking of drug intake, I have officially begun taking my anti-Cancer drug called Letrozole.  Funny thing, it has an "L" imprinted on this itty-bitty pill -- so now I call it my Lynn Pill.  I know the "L" is for Letrosole, but I like calling it Lynn Pill.  I will be on this pill for the next 5 YEARS.  Once a day keeps the Cancer away...........Kinda like: An apple a day?  Whatever..................

2012 is going to be so much better on so many levels..........I wish you all a Happiest of New Years.  Living life to it's fullest is my motto! Going to get back into shape and hopefully, look finer than fine! LOL!! We'll see.  I still have some challenges, but at least I can see the light better now. Take a deep breath in and then EXHALE!!! 

Keeping the Cup Half Full.........Yay! 

Ciao, Ciao