Yet Another Triumphant Day!

Here I go again expressing myself with a social media forum of sorts.

I haven't written in weeks, yet again.  It's nice to know my life is getting more normal (whatever that means) as I continue to heal.  I don't feel the need to get my emotions out into cyberspace on a routine basis, I guess.

I must admit, I do think about what I would say, and then don't follow through with the writing it down on my blog. But today, I must  write this all down so I can document as well as "remember" what transpired  down in my lovely, La Jolla -- Scripps Medical Center. I had my 3-month follow-up appointment to see my oncologist and my surgeon.

I have to say, I really feel very secure when I see these professionals. I can't always say I love doctors.  There is that fear factor lurking in the background for me now. I remember when I would go to the doctor and think nothing of it.  I would go with no issues in my head and just show up because it was an annual appointment I knew that was needed to be a responsible person doing their duty to take care of oneself -- plus I was younger, more fit and raising kids, working outside the home, etc.  But now, post CANCER treatments, I feel differently. Perhaps, this is only normal considering what I've gone through this past year.  I just "celebrated" my year since my last chemo treatment, which was July 21, 2011.  It's rather ironic to me I can't remember certain birthdays of friends, anniversaries of others yet I can remember that date like I know my own birthday.  I wish I could forget it, but that's not the case here.  I don't really speak about it to others -- however, I did speak about it to my immediate family.  I'm soooooooooo grateful I finished it and survived it!  So grateful for so many things and I pray I never, ever have to relive or revisit chemo treatment again. My body is getting stronger each day and continues to show me that the toxins are leaving my body; yet I still have certain issues that surround chemo -- I can't eat certain foods, tastes are a little different still, etc. But the good news, they aren't that big of an issue.  Maybe I've learned to live with certain changes.  I don't like certain foods -- my tastebuds are different now.  Overall, my body has changed quite a bit from before and I haved learned to live with those changes.
I think I veared off my immediate subject at hand. As I have stated, I saw my doctors today.  With each follow-up visit, I always learn additional information about what I should be avoiding or what I need to check into for my future healing.  I know I will always learn something new regarding how to continue to live my life in a cleaner, healthier way from here on forward.  Sometimes I think we can get overwhelmed at how much information is out there about cancer and how to live post treatments; but one has to be very careful as to what is legitimate information vs. what is sensationalism.  I read a lot of information, but I take it with a grain of salt. There's just so much to absorb.

Both my doctors gushed at how good I look and how healthy I am.  Wow, what a wonderful conversation.  I do feel wonderful and I feel like I'm getting my life back.  I just need more time to figure out a few more things that don't have anything to do with my "physical" being.  Pretty much now it's my emotional state of being. But my overall health is wonderful and I realize how lucky I am.  I am truly blessed and I know it.  I treasure it. I don't take it for granted whatsoever. 

When I walked by my former chemo room today while being escorted into my exam room of my oncologist,  I actually got a little choked up looking and observing the room as I walked by.  That really surprised me.  It must have to do with the fact I just celebrated my anniversary.  I certainly don't miss that room, but I think it had to do with the fact all those hours there were about saving my life while I knew I was ingesting such poison.  In my case, necessary poison.  I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy having to endure the needles, fluid and then the side effects. But I made it through.  I conquered it!  I'm so proud of this fact.

My oncologist had me take a blood test in his office to see if there are any lasting issues that the chemo has left after one year.  I will get those results sometime soon.  I have really good veins, so it was easy to get the draw of my blood.  Honestly, I have no worries.  And I keep that prayer going on without sounding too glib -- believe you me, I don't take anything for granted.

I then left my oncologist's office and took the elevator up 2 more floors to my surgeon, who, by the way, is an amazingly great doctor as well.  He see's me to check to make sure my bi-lateral surgery site is healing well. He also checks my former port area since I had veinous issues.  He assured me that once I get my expanders out that I will once again have a normal sense of relief in my chest area.  Oh, yeah, I still sport my expanders for those who have forgotten this little fact.  It's like wearing armor as I have made it perfectly clear everytime I've written about them.  One thing for sure that has helped me deal with these foreign objects in my chest cavity is to do YOGA!  I roll my eyes all the time that I've taken Yoga for granted all these years by not practicing it the way I should have.  But if I can share with anyone -- whether male or female, YOGA is the bomb!  It has helped me out immensely with my healing.  Wow, I would never have believed this fact. I can move easier now because of it; I have better focus and my joints thank me because of this practice.  I take Letrozole which suppresses the production of estrogen -- this drug affects my hands and joints (ligaments & tendons) in a way that feels like I have RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) at times.  It mainly affects me at night and first thing in the morning. I also get pain in my feet and ankles when I first get out of bed -- I walk like I have a corn cobb up my hiney till my joints get lubricated as I walk.  So weird. But I go about my way and it gets better.  But the yoga has relieved a lot of the side affects of this medicine. Considering the alternative, I don't mind these inconviences so much. I don't welcome them, but I don't mind them.  I know eventually I'll be off this med and can get relief once again.  It will be 5 years from now, but I have  hope!  Always have hope!  Never give up!  Look forward! I truly believe this with all my heart.  That's what keeps me in check.  There are so many worse things.  There really are.  Yes, I may have had Cancer, but I know others suffer worse than I do.

Wow, I keep getting side-tracked about my doctor's appointment.  My surgeon finished his exam of me, which also consisted of listening to my heart/lungs, etc.  He is a very thorough doctor.  I just love this man!  I feel so taken care of.  He turns to me as he was finishing up with the exam and looked at me and my youngest daughter, Amy, and stated, "You are amazing and because of your positive attitude, you have come through this whole ordeal beyond my expectations."  "You are so strong and it's wonderful to see how well you are doing."  Who wouldn't feel good after those comments?  What a shot in my arm! 

Needless to say, I walked (or floated) out of the doctor's office with a great big smile!  I don't have to see either doctor for 4 months.  I will now see them every 4 months -- 3 times a year. Then I will move to every 6 months-- twice a year!  Can't wait till it's once a year. The further away I am from the reminder I have had cancer, the better. 

For now, I feel that sense of relief.  I am so relieved!  I can EXHALE fully knowing I am looking forward. My next step is to figure out what am I going to do now? What is the next step in my life? Will something show itself to me that I need to go into-- meaning new job and/or profession.  Once again, I have no idea what is next. I guess, do any of us really know? Yes, some do.  But I don't want to go back to a similar type job that I had before. It was way too stressful for me and I am going to avoid all that as much as possible.  I realize one cannot avoid all stresses.  That's unrealistic, but I'm not going to put myself back into a firepit.  I just hope I find something that is a great fit for me and that I can make a difference. So we'll see. 

Before I close, I have recently found a new massage therapist for lymphedema who works here in Murrieta.  I feel so lucky to have finally found this person.  She is a teacher in this field. This woman is originally from France and is quite the expert in this field.  I have learned so much from her in the 3 weeks I've been with her. My arms are looking fantastic and my swelling has reduced significantly.  I really don't have a major issue with lymphedema, but that's also because I've been smart about being diligent to avoid any potential issues.  It's a new way of life for me, but it's all worth it.  It's a very common sense approach to taking care of my swelling, but at least now I have a much better understanding as to how and why this occurs.  Once again, yet another blessing in my life has been shown to me. 

I hope to be able to communicate there is a great life after cancer.  I know I'm still recovering and other things could crop up, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'm moving forward with new expectations and, I believe, new hopes and dreams.  I have to have this in order to fully heal.  I don't want to always hold my breath each time something new comes up.  I have had my moments in recent history that I worry about. But I keep my prayers alive and they are proving themselves to be the way to help me; I have to trust, which can be very daunting; and I hope a lot! 
I do see my personality coming back. I also see my light spirit showing itself once again, which makes me happier and I'm getting out more and trying to meet more people.  It's also very nice to know I'm running my house again, doing my "thing" the way I want to.  And the best thing: I don't have to take naps anymore because I have to. I do rest from time to time as needed, but no biggy.  I take a rest for about 30 minutes and then I'm off again doing my whatever.

Thank God for my knitting group that puts up with me and my weird sense of humor and sometimes very  strong opinions.  They have become very dear to me.  I'm just Lynn to them and not the "cancer survivor."  And if they feel that, I'm not made to feel that at all.  They are a wonderful support to me and we share a lot with one another.  (not about cancer, just sharing about life....) Thank You! 

My Cup remains Half Full and continuing forward. Life is good and I am ever-so-grateful for this 2nd chance at life!  I'm here - so hear me ROAR!  God help us all!  LOL!

Ciao, Ciao!

THE RESULTS ARE IN..................

I finally got the call from my radiologist oncologist, Dr. Koka at 9:15am this morning.  She sounded pretty "chipper" on the phone. She asked me how my weekend went and I told her about Jim's birthday party. Then I simply said, "Ok.  What's the verdict?"  And she said, (happily, I might add)"You are 100% clear~ you are cancer free."  Of course, I started to get a little choked up -- even though I know in my heart of hearts I'm doing well, when you hear it from your oncologist that you're ok it brings emotions to the forefront - at least for me that's what happens. 

I think I went somewhere else for a nano second -- my head began to swirl a bit -- RELIEF!  I'll take it anytime!  This kind of news ANYTIME!!!

Of course, I said, my thank yous to her. She specifically told me to go have a great day -- which I will. PLUS, it's Jim's 50th Birthday today!  What a great gift for him and our family!  What a brighter day it is all of a sudden, right?

So after I hung up, I stood in the middle of my kitchen along with my dogs laughing!  Closed my eyes and laughed and held onto myself.  The dogs, of course, started to get all excited and swirled around my legs.  Of course when I hugged on them for awhile, the tears began to stream down my face.  I know, I'm such an emotional person. Oh, well. I have the cleanest tear ducts around! 

I started to text my core group of friends and family with the news.  What a great support system I have in place.  Talk about feeling that love and positive energy!  All those prayers!  All those prayers help me out so much!

I then called my 88 year old Mom. I was crying, and she answered -- so I got myself together to tell her. She started to laugh and cry right along with me. These are the treasured moments that I love.  I still get to contact my mom. She is 88 years old and who knows how long I have her alive and well and able to share with her.  I TREASURE these moments now more than ever. I'm so lucky.

So now I get to bounce on in to my knitting group this morning with some great news.  Not sure how much knitting I'm going to get to, but I don't really care.  I just want to smile!

I've decided to go to the pool today at our HOA and do a symbolic backwards splash -- going to fall backwards into the pool with my arms spread out and a big smile on my face to say:  AHHHHHHH!
Another hurdle has been cleared!  I want to relish in this for as long as possible! And with God's grace wrapped around me, I hope for many, many, many years to come!  Either way, my work on this earth is not over just yet, so I'm going to make the best of it, right?

Oh, heck yah, my Cup's Half Full!  CHEERS ALL!  AUGURI!

Ciao, Ciao!

4th PET SCAN Over and Done

I just came home from my 4th PET Scan @ Scripps Medical Center. 
My morning started at 2:15am with a snack since I cannot eat anything for 6 hours prior to my scan.  My scan was at 10:30am, but I awoke well in time for something to snack on. So I had a half a banana, an itty-bitty slice of lean meat and then a handful of raw almonds.  Then chugged water.  I woke up again at 4:15am still in time to eat something, but decided my sleep was more important at this point.  Got up @ 7am and began my day.

Took off to the hospital with my hubby. He's such a great support and I KNOW how lucky I am to have such great support when others out there don't ever have anyone go to the doctor with them let alone to a test such as this one. But he's always there for me.  He's wonderful!

Drove down to La Jolla without any incident, thank GOD.  Traffic was pretty decent at this time of morning.  No idiots darting in and out of traffic.

Upon arrival to the pavillion my testing takes place at on this medical center campus, I had to do my usual paperwork, but before long, Mark, my technician came out to get me.  I hadn't even ingested my 1 quart of lovely liquid.  Mark told me we could get it all done in the back this time.  So off we went with all my stuff in hand and waving at my hubby as I left the waiting area.  Thank goodness I have my knitting or crocheting projects with me whenever I go to a docs office now. It keeps me sane and calm. 

Got to the back and immediately get situated with my warming blanket that has a blower attached to it that keeps you nice and toasty warm cuz they have to keep everything back there practically at sub-zero degrees. Keep germs/bacteria from growing..........I can deal with the cold as well as the warm. My body is always so warm these days since I'm "menopausing."  ARGGGHHH.....But I embrace it rather than complain about it.  It is what it is, right?

Mark had to take my blood sugar level to begin with by pricking my finger. I was fine. Can't perform this test if I am diabetic - may give false positives.  Then he had to start a port in my arm so he could inject the radioactive material -- the contrast -- into my veins called:  Omnipaque. No, it doesn't burn, hurt or anything.  Just gets main-lined into my body. The idea is that it will highlight any cancer that may be in my body/organs.
So, of course, being who I am, I start my mantra/praying that it's not going to stick to anything.  It's going to go through my body and right back out!  While I was there I did pee a few times!  I know, TMI, but you get the gist of it, right?  After he injected the contrast, he removed the port from my arm. Then, this was a first for me, he asked me if I wanted crystal lite in my 1 quart of fluid to help ingest it better!  Wow, I was so thrilled to find out they offer this now!  Simple things make me so happy, I know. So I chose the lemonade flavor!  Have to smile...or even giggle...I did both.

When he brought my "cocktail" to me, we toasted to a successful test and I ingested that quart down with no problem.  I downed it in less than 5 minutes.  It was really tasty.  WHATEVER,  RIGHT?  Like I said before, simple pleasures.  Hey, if you have to go through this type of procedure, you want it in the easiest way possible. 
Then I sat there for 45 minutes till it was well absorbed into my body along with the contrast.

I sat there in my easy chair all toasty warm crocheting my latest afghan.  I love, love, love my zen with knitting and crocheting.  Anyway, before I knew it, it was time to go get into the cat scan machine and close my eyes and go to my happy place for 35 minutes.  They play this background music for distraction purposes -- it was very native american sounding -- loved it.  made it easier for me to go to my happy place.  After it was finished, I was escorted out of room, met up with Mark my technician which he said to me, go out and enjoy the rest of your day. Your doctor will have the results by tomorrow.  As I said my good-byes, I had to exhale and walk out with my dignity still in tact.  No big whoop, right?  Let's keep praying nothing is trying to come back.  But once again, in my heart of hearts, I know nothing is there.  How could it come back when I had some major drugs and radiation pulsated through my body.  I know there is that possibility, but I choose to be only HOPEFUL!  I can't be going through all this for nothing. I can't.  I feel it in my soul.  Either way, it's done and finished and the results are in.  I wonder what it must be like for the doctor to read all these results and make determinations in peoples lives each and everday. Meanwhile, we, the patient, sit and wonder or we do our best to distract ourselves and try to maintain our daily lives without getting too caught up in the unknown.  What a process.  What a journey for all. It's true that it takes a community................

So Jim and I got in the car and swifty drove to Little Italy in San Diego. My first time there.  It was really wonderful and relaxing.  We were going to go to a trendy restaurant when we passed by a cool little pizzeria. It was so much like Italy that I had to stop there and order a couple slices. YUMMO!  We sat on the sidewalk munching away. Finally, my blood sugar level was back to it's norm!  I had food in me!  My perspective was back on track.  Hadn't eaten since 2:15am and was grateful I had done that but i was way empty of nutrients.
After our meal we found out about an Italian bakery. We eventually found it and went in for the kill on cookies!  YUMMO!  Oh, boy did I enjoy a good cookie! 

Our drive home was much more blissful, I have to say, then going down to my test.  And I'm a firm believer of making sure to do something good for oneself after any kind of test or appointment when it can be stressful.  So that's my thing to do for the day. 

Since I've been home, I've slowly but surely have felt the emotional letdown of the day. I didn't do anything in my normal way, but am bushed.  It's in my head, I realize, but I go with it and am now writing my thoughts down whether anyone cares or now. It's, once again, for me to get it out of me and my body/head. Have to. But the good news is I am looking forward................in the future..............Tomorrow I continue on getting ready for my husband's 50th birthday party.  Having a small gathering but it's still organization of foods, drinks, and stuff.....Can't wait for his day and see his smiling face enjoy. That gives me pleasure big time to know I can feel like I can do something for him and stand in the background watching him enjoy his party with his new friends.  And I love the fact he's FINALLY 50!  Yes, I'm the older woman in his life -- I'm his cougar.  LOL!!

Cups staying Half Full. Till my results come in. Please keep us in your prayers and good thoughts.

Ciao, Ciao!

New PET SCAN Schdeduled

Thought while I was thinking about it, I would write an update.

I just received my scheduled appointment for my PET Scan.  It will be May 31 @ 10:30am -- Scripps.  They are so wonderful there at that particular part of the medical center.  I can't say I'm looking forward to drinking my radioactive drink -- 1 quart of that lovely substance, but I can down that stuff now with the best of them!  Doesn't taste like anything -- has a slight sweetness to it so it's palatable.  You wait 45 minutes for the liquid to travel throughout your body and hopefully NOT ATTACH itself to any cancer cells!  It's attracted to glucose in your body which is where cancer likes to attach itself. 

Even though I feel wonderful and believe in my heart I'm still cancer free, that little voice creeps in and starts it's own mantra of sorts with the I wonder IF.............. Do you think it may be there? Could it be again? What if................

But then I get pissy and stop that nonsense. I am human afterall and I fall from time to time.  So I ask this out there in cyber space:  CONTINUE YOUR PRAYERS.  CONTINUE YOUR MANTRAS whatever they may be.  But I am asking, keep me and my family in your prayers,  good thoughts, good energy and postive affirmations -- it never hurts to ask, right?  So I'm asking.  All of you who have heard me in the past have been the best at giving back and I am eternally grateful for all of it!  I hope I can give back more as well.

Once again, this is part of the process after going through cancer treatments. And I'm with a group of doctors that are extremely PRO-ACTIVE and I LOVE IT!  I feel lucky beyond comprehension that I have such an amazing group of professionals -- not just the doctors, but all their staff members who work so diligently to do their best for their patients.  They deserve the extra kudos!

Anyway, I will receive my results in a 24 hr turn around period -- not sure if my doc will call me on the weekend, but I'll be happy to hear it on Jim's Birthday, which is Monday, June 4.  It will be a double celebration, right?  Gotta keep the faith and the positive energy flowing NO MATTER WHAT!  And if I freak out a bit, oh, well, I will then get back up and begin again. Or go do some more Yoga!  LOL

Ok. Done for now. Keeping the Cup Half Full ~ STILL!

Ciao, Ciao

I'm Still Here!

It certainly has been awhile since I've made time to write here.  Once again, I always question:  Why would anyone want to read my blog?  But it's amazing how many friends tell me they want me to write. 
Ok, since some of you are requesting something, I will begin or continue to write even if it seems mundane and non-sensicle (word?) Either way, I will try to bring you all up to speed.....

Up till today, all I've been doing is trying to live my life normal -- whatever that means.  I've been creating routines -- that's been a big help for me.  It's interesting for me to observe what my life used to be and now how it really is...... I begin my day by feeding my dogs.  I then make sure to do some sort of exercise.  YOGA is proving itself to be the way to heal for me.  It's helping me to not only get centered, but it's helping me physically to get my flexibility back and there's some pounds beginning to shed.  All those months of not moving really seized my body. My pelvis and lower back were stiffening up to the point where I was walking like a person who had "issues."  This regular regime of yoga is helping me big time. I'm able to stretch  the way I could when I was in great shape.  While doing yoga routines, I sweat like a pig!  I feel the toxins being released and it feels so good to lighten that load out of my body.  I have many challenges considering I still have those lovely "expanders" in my chest. They pinch me when I perform certain twists and turns.  I will have those in  till 2013.  Seems like a long time, but remember, I'm still healing.  Yes, I may be looking more "normal" and acting more "normal" but I'm far from "normal."  It's a harsh reality for me to admit that and to even say it out loud. But it's going to take me months to get my complete energy back; but I have to say, I'm on the road.........I love the fact that I'm not having to take naps now.  I rest around 3:30pm each day for about 1/2 hour.  I MUST listen to my body.  If I don't, I pay the price big time by not having energy the next day to go about my business.  And for me to be able to do normal activities is essential. 

I want to and continue to strive for relevance.  That's why it's so important for me to have routines.  My mornings are filled, thank God!  I can do all my housework now without issues.  Because of my exercising and routines, I can bend and stoop and lift some heavier things easier now. Yay!  I know what I should and should not be doing.  I have nothing to prove to anyone.  And I think I have my ego in check pretty much now.  I don't hesitate to ask someone at the grocery store to help me, if I need it.  But for the most part, I don't need assistance. 

My hair has grown so quickly.  Wow!  I've had 2 haircuts now.  I've even had it "thinned."  Can you believe that one?  Thinned out!  Love that.  My hair is a bit darker now, but I'm still salt/pepper looking; and I love it.  I think I will grow out my hair to get some kind of bob cut, but we'll see. I really like the no-fuss short hair cut I'm sporting.  And I always wear my earrings.  My eyelashes are still growing and falling out from time to time.  That's part of the healing process.  My eyebrows are still thin, but I see evidence of new growth all the time.  My skin is bright and clear -- it's the healthiest it's ever been.  I have to say, I do look good.  But I still haven't updated, my picture on this site just because I keep forgetting.  Even though I forget, I have to say, my brain cells are regenerating!  Thank you, God!
It's getting better regarding my memory loss.  I do little brain teasers to help myself remember.  I can forget simple conversations, which is so strange and unconcerting to say the least.  But it's getting fewer and farther in between memory losses.  I don't dwell ~~ I go onto the next.  It seems to work best for me this way. 

I had to go to my radiology oncologist today down in Vista, CA.  Love her!  She's the bomb! Even though I don't like going to these appointments because it's a reminder to me that I've had cancer -- I still like seeing the staff.  They are amazing professionals who really care and do their jobs so well.
My doc examined me thoroughly.  It's not just having a conversation; she really checks me out very thoroughly.  My radiation scars are doing well, but she did tell me today that one area where my skin was completely desquimated will probably stay light the way it has healed.  Then there is another little area at the base of my neck that is darker -- that too, may stay this way.  Either way, I'm not tramatized by this fact.  To me it's like: Oh, well........Could be worse.  My doc told me she's in AWE of me. I was rather shocked by her comment.  I don't think of myself ever moving anyone in that manner.  She shared with me that so many people don't stay up-beat or have positivity in their life the way I do.  I shared back with her that if there tables were turned, you, too, would be moving forward and doing all that you could do to improve your fight with cancer.  But she told me she wasn't so sure if she could or not.  But that she appreciates my ability to view life the way I do.  That was so amazingly nice for her to share with me.  It truly moves me deeply, but I still feel that anyone would do what I've been doing.  I'm not so special -- I'm me who wants to LIVE and live a long time, I hope with all my being. 

I think of myself sometimes as being a big baby about things.  Sometimes I pay way too much attention to the creaks and cracks in my overall health.  I think sometimes I think way too much; I think sometimes I get way too much up into my head. But that's what makes me human............That's why I keep myself so busy.  I hate it when I allow myself to over-think. 

I'm looking forward to figuring out what I want to do with my life when I grow up.  Not making too much head-way presently.  I know it's supposed to "show itself" to me some day, but there is that side of me that is a control freak still -- and I want some answers NOW.  I think many of us can relate to that, right?  Either way, I am still learning patience and being in the present moments. For the most part, I love my life!  I'm happier than I've ever been and  I like myself so much better than ever and I know I still have so much to live and accomplish.  So we'll see.  Something, please show yourself someday to me!  LOL!! For now I continue to knit and crochet (still my ZEN!!!!); I garden and am learning about succulents and cacti. I dance around whenever I feel like it; And I laugh whenever possible; I keep on hanging with my dogs and am making new friends.  There are some special women in my life now -- whether they realize it or not, they keep me in check and I'm allowing myself to be a better friend.  My amazing and wonderful hubby is still my rock and always will be.  But the cool thing is, I find myself becoming his rock once again, too!  And, of course, my daughters are simply amazing people.

It astounds me how quickly time passes by and I can say I make the best of it.  Looking forward on this journey and looking forward to see what the next chapters are.  Maybe the next time I write, I will have something more interesting to share. 

I still feel overall my Cup's Half Full. 
Ciao, Ciao!

PHEW! This DAY Passed......

I just have to share that today was a good day.  After I planted my rose bushes, I was so exhausted from the digging part and fighting with some of the so-called "rocks" we have in the soil, I came into the house and collapsed into my chair.  As I rested, my whole perspective on the day finally changed.  It's so weird how intense my emotions were and am half embarrassed by it -- but it's funny when one is sleep deprived how ridiculous one's perspective is. 

Then, I received a phone call from my youngest daughter.......She then asked how my week had been.  One thing, we JOHNSON's do is talk very openly now about our emotions.  And they made me promise to talk with them. But I forewarned them that "you better be careful as to what you ask for." 
So I opened up to her and told her what I have been "feeling" leading up to yesterday.  And, once again, when I finally was completely honest I was able to get past whatever the heck was eating at me inside.  And, yes, I have to admit, I really, really feel such relief. 

As the night progressed, I was enjoying my family time -- yes, I made that wonderful meal and they loved, loved, loved it -- as did I.  I retired for the night and slept like a baby. Only woke up twice but no big deal -- went right back to sleep.  I was unconscious and no dreams last night.  Just slept deeply.

I wake up today and was ready for today's adventure down to San Diego with my family.  And what a day we had.  My daughter had to have a medical test; as I waited, I was able to knit like a crazy fool. Loving every moment of it. (FYI- her medical test didn't hurt and went really well). ANYWAY..........

We went to a coastal restaurant after her test and celebrated.  Nice place and had a chance to enjoy the seagulls and harbor seals. Made me feel a little homesick for the Northcoast.........But I still lov the weather down here so much better.

Today has been a good day overall and am looking FORWARD and not BACKWARDS any longer. 
It's supposed to rain all weekend and am looking forward to getting some rain!  So Cal is lacking big time in that department.  I want to nest!

I'm hanging in there and doing fine and looking forward again.  I'm so lucky to be alive and well.
I know the prayers and good wishes are coming through big time.  I feel it! I feel it!  And, more importantly, I know it.

Ciao, Ciao

What is Wrong with ME?

I feel the need to write today due to the fact tomorrow, March 16, 2012, will be the first anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  Some would say that this day may be one of celebration and others may say this may be a day of sorrow.  All I know in my heart is that I feel so sad. 

How can this be?  How can I be feeling sad when just last week I got the fantabulous (my word - fabulous and fantastic wrapped into one word) news that I'm cancer free.  I have been so happy and relieved all at the same time; however, I also knew this anniversary was coming up and have been trying to put it out of my mind. I just want this day to go by and not have another thought about it.  But, once again, I am ME and I have a tendency to over-think things, I guess.  Perhaps, I haven't been busy enough -- I sure have been trying to keep myself busy everyday and try to have a sense of norm.

I also had 2 appointments scheduled today with my oncologist and my general surgeon (just as a follow-up).  I woke up about 4am this morning thinking about the day ahead, etc. It was just eating at me about what could be said at the doctors' offices today. I had this epiphany of sorts that I simply don't want to see another doctor until I get past this anniversary. I just want a sense of freedom from doctors.  I'm so sick and tired of my life being wrapped around the next doctor's appointment.  I'm sick of it.  I know it may be my immature or denial of sorts not facing another doctor's visit -- even though there is good news.  I'm so sick and tired of these doctors.  So I called both doctors' offices today and rescheduled. 

I have a sense of relief for now even though next Thursday I will have to go to these appointments. It is what it is, but I just needed this week to get over with.  Tomorrow I do have plans to be out of the area with my family -- we have appointments down in San Diego for my daughter. This will be a good distraction because it will not be about me.

When I was running some errands this morning, I was feeling sad quietly to myself.  I had parked near a business I had to go into when I saw these 2 women who are in their twilight years walking  out of a salon.  They both were having a regular conversation with one another as they departed the business. Then suddenly one of the 2 women reached out for the other one's hand and took it into hers.  You could see they were dear friends just caring for one another as they walked off.  It struck me, once again, how wonderful life can be with dear friends -- reaching out to one another and being there for one  another.  It showed me again, how important it is to show the ones you love or care about that life goes forward no matter what else may be going on in our lives.  Make the most of your life and appreciate what we/you have. 

Apparently, I haven't been near my close friends of late, but they are always in my heart and in my thoughts.  I spend a lot of time by myself, which is a good thing -- but sometimes it can be very lonely.
I'm not complaining because I do have such a wonderful life here; but sometimes I wish I had my friends close by to let them know I care about them.  Thank goodness for the cell phone where you can text them and say a little shout-out ever so often. I don't want to bother anyone at their places of business, but at least they may have a little message ever so often that I'm thinking about them and that they are in my heart.

The good news is tomorrow will come and then go away.  And I can't wait for that. Tomorrow I will be busy with my family and that will keep my mind off this stupid anniversary.  As I have said a lot in the past years:  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  And it is very true. I have gotten through so much this past year.  How can one day in my life upset me to this point?  How do I let this time go by because of the way I might be feeling?  Seems rather a waste to a great degree, but the fact of the matter is, my life changed forever on that date.  It has... Good, bad or indifferent -- it has changed.  I guess I just have to feel these emotions and then be done with them. I want to throw them into some crater because it's really not like me to waste time on something that has already occurred.  I know this is a normal experience I'm going through and may not be the last. But thank goodness I can write it down, get it out of my head and go on with the rest of my day. 

I plan to make a lovely dinner for my husband and daughter.  I also plan to treat us to some sort of bad-for-me dessert. I frankly don't care if they are empty calories, fatty or whatever.  But for now I will indulge, enjoy and have no regrets!

The only thing I regret is allowing this Cancer journey to get me down today.  So I am going to turn it around and be happier in spite of it!  As I have been told many moons ago:  Kill it with kindness.  So I will.  Then later, I will laugh about this day, possibly shake my head and close the door on this chapter, I hope, forever. 

I think I'm going to go plant some rose bushes I have sitting out in my backyard waiting to go into the ground.  I love this time of year.  I love the "new beginnings" of life. Perhaps I just found my happiness again -- go plant my bushes.

Onward!  Tomorrow will come and go and I'm happy to report I'm still around and getting healthier each day!  I guess we're never too old to learn and appreciate!

Ciao, Ciao!