Today was the day I have been dreading yet NEEDING to know what the final results are of my PET CAT scan. This is a very important test for the oncologist to determine where, if any, there is anymore cancer spreading throughout my body. I've been trying to keep very busy and not think about it too much. But, since I'm a human being, of course I thought it about and played all the scenarios in my head yet again. But for the most part these past few days have been quite a growing experience for me. Wow, wow, wow!
So the appointment was at 10am. We sat there and sat there and sat there. We talked with the nurses for awhile, we made small talk about any other subject we could think of to keep ME from climbing out of my skin. My husband, Jim and oldest daughter, Ashley were there with me. They are quite the talkers when you put those two together -- dear gawd, they can talk about anything under the sun. Honestly, I didn't mind that the doc was taking his time with another patient, because they needed him. But then it was my turn around 11:15am. He brought in his lap top and started in on the "findings." This is there part where I'm still learning about SLOW, STEADY pacing. I'm one of those persons that I like to get right to the point and discuss the matter at hand. I am learning about the simmering process regarding my cancer. Needless to say, my doc is an extremely thorough and very methodical professional -- serious, yet very empathetic about his patient at hand. I actually was able to see my PET test result 3-D with my body completely transparent with my organs showing. The things that were highlighted for the most part was my cancer. I saw my breast, my axillary (armpit) nodes. And the greatest things of all -- NOTHING else was lit up! NO other major organs! NONE!!!!! I realized this and began to get very excited inside myself. But had to maintain while he went through every little detail as to what he was reading from the report as well as the visual display on the screen. We then looked at my body on the screen from the perspective as you would if you were slicing a loaf of bread. 1/8 cm at a time. It was very interesting to see my body from this point of view. So the long and the short of it is this: I'm at Stage 3. NOT 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I know how it works for a lot of people and they can get very preoccupied with the number game. The bottom line for me is this: The cancer has not spread to any other organs in my body! HUGE success! HUGE!!!! I feel like I have won the lottery!
Yes, this is still serious, but at least now I have a major league game plan that I CAN wrap my brain around.
I meet my new surgeon tomorrow at Scripp's Hospital out of La Jolla. An excellent surgeon with the knowledge I will need for the future. He will also place my "port" into my body soon for my next process which will be CHEMO. That will be within the next 7-10 days. I will be learning a lot more about the new poison/drug I will be entering into my body, but it's one I want. Crazy to think this, but I want it. I will be making other dietary choices as well as using Chemo for now. At a later date, I will have surgery to remove my breasts. Yes, bilateral -- both. I don't want to take a chance for this stuff to come back and take the other at a later time. I don't trust it. But it's also my choice. This may not work for others, but this is my body and that's what I want at this point.
Either way, my day was remarkable. It could have gone the other direction but it didn't. For this, I am eternally grateful!
For all that have been there and are supporting me, I thank you! Your continued prayers are always welcomed. I will sleep much better tonight oddly enough. I am blessed. I have the best and greatest family and friends!
Oh, yeah..............My cup's still half full believe it or not! WWWWHHHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Happy Tuesday
Amazing three days. I feel very fortunate. I'm keeping myself very busy and going about my regular life.
I'm in the process of learning to meditate which is helping with the anxiety of all that is occurring. I'm also learning a lot more about my spirituality. I have a lot to learn and beginning to accept certain realities much better. It's such a process and I do believe that everyone has their own way of getting to their goals/destinations, etc. Mine, seems to be this journey. I am truly a "newby" and willing to continue to learn. That's all I can ask for at this point.
Today, I've been trying to keep negative thoughts from coming into play. So far so good. A person can "what if...." themselves to death. I should know, I used to do it all the time. It's amazing I could function at times when something would way heavy in my heart/mind. Perhaps, now with this new road, I will finally begin to open up to more and new exciting adventures without hesitation. Supposedly, that's what I'm going to learn -- Okey-dokey! Perhaps, I will become a "softer" person through all this. Not in the sense of laying over and letting everything take me over, but more on the level of understanding, compassion, MERCY.
May sound a bit "heady" to some -- you're right. Pretty heady if you ask me, but I can't help go there now. I have to do this in order to start to understand better. I want to pass this fear. Like I said the other day, I don't want to be apart of this new found sorority of sorts. Well, guess what? I'm apart of it good, bad or indifferent. I'm learning also about the control aspect of my life. I truly have to reconfigure all of it. I have to be able not to just talk the talk, but I have to really walk this walk. I must let it all go -- not in a bad way, but truly understand the chips have fallen where they may and now it's time to rebuild myself back up and become healthier than I've ever been before -- emotionally and physically. Wish me luck. I am going to continue to find the laughter. That makes me feel so good inside. I will conitnue to find new peace of mind. That, too, makes me feel so secure.
Tomorrow morning is big day for me and my family. I find out the results of the PET Scan test. You want to know what "surreal" is? I have the lab results currently in my office SEALED for the doctor and I am not to open it till my exam tomorrow (with the oncologist). How's that for weird? I had to put it away yesterday so I wouldn't focus on the results. Yes, they are there waiting, patiently, I might add -- to be read. Once again: It's all determined. I must have positive thoughts. Must keep it clear and positive. I shall open myself up to more love so this intruder doesn't have an opportunity to take more. I guess I have to fill myself up with so much LOVE that there is NO room for it. That is making more sense to me each day. I had to change my mind about this "fight." That's the first thing we all want to do. Of course, I want to fight. But I must do it with LOVE, GRACE, and DIGNITY.
I continue to move forward at a steady rate and will go the distance and seek out all the greatest medical care I can. In the words of a new friend, "Breathe in the air of LIFE." That makes sense to me.
I encourage all of you to do the same: Breathe in the air of life. It feels pretty good; doesn't it? YEAH!!!!
Now, I'm going to turn on some head-thumping music and enjoy my dogs! It's 79 degrees out! WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!
Oh, yeah, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
I'm in the process of learning to meditate which is helping with the anxiety of all that is occurring. I'm also learning a lot more about my spirituality. I have a lot to learn and beginning to accept certain realities much better. It's such a process and I do believe that everyone has their own way of getting to their goals/destinations, etc. Mine, seems to be this journey. I am truly a "newby" and willing to continue to learn. That's all I can ask for at this point.
Today, I've been trying to keep negative thoughts from coming into play. So far so good. A person can "what if...." themselves to death. I should know, I used to do it all the time. It's amazing I could function at times when something would way heavy in my heart/mind. Perhaps, now with this new road, I will finally begin to open up to more and new exciting adventures without hesitation. Supposedly, that's what I'm going to learn -- Okey-dokey! Perhaps, I will become a "softer" person through all this. Not in the sense of laying over and letting everything take me over, but more on the level of understanding, compassion, MERCY.
May sound a bit "heady" to some -- you're right. Pretty heady if you ask me, but I can't help go there now. I have to do this in order to start to understand better. I want to pass this fear. Like I said the other day, I don't want to be apart of this new found sorority of sorts. Well, guess what? I'm apart of it good, bad or indifferent. I'm learning also about the control aspect of my life. I truly have to reconfigure all of it. I have to be able not to just talk the talk, but I have to really walk this walk. I must let it all go -- not in a bad way, but truly understand the chips have fallen where they may and now it's time to rebuild myself back up and become healthier than I've ever been before -- emotionally and physically. Wish me luck. I am going to continue to find the laughter. That makes me feel so good inside. I will conitnue to find new peace of mind. That, too, makes me feel so secure.
Tomorrow morning is big day for me and my family. I find out the results of the PET Scan test. You want to know what "surreal" is? I have the lab results currently in my office SEALED for the doctor and I am not to open it till my exam tomorrow (with the oncologist). How's that for weird? I had to put it away yesterday so I wouldn't focus on the results. Yes, they are there waiting, patiently, I might add -- to be read. Once again: It's all determined. I must have positive thoughts. Must keep it clear and positive. I shall open myself up to more love so this intruder doesn't have an opportunity to take more. I guess I have to fill myself up with so much LOVE that there is NO room for it. That is making more sense to me each day. I had to change my mind about this "fight." That's the first thing we all want to do. Of course, I want to fight. But I must do it with LOVE, GRACE, and DIGNITY.
I continue to move forward at a steady rate and will go the distance and seek out all the greatest medical care I can. In the words of a new friend, "Breathe in the air of LIFE." That makes sense to me.
I encourage all of you to do the same: Breathe in the air of life. It feels pretty good; doesn't it? YEAH!!!!
Now, I'm going to turn on some head-thumping music and enjoy my dogs! It's 79 degrees out! WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!
Oh, yeah, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Happy Sunday
Ok. I'm 2 for 2 meaning 2 great days in a row. Many blessings come out of really bad situations. At least that is what I believe. I had an opportunity today to reconnect with my brother. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say WE ARE ON THE MEND. Blessings big time. He had us over to his home today. He and his girlfriend, Denise were so amazingly welcoming and full of fun. I even told them I thought they were a couple of "freaks." They laughed a lot which made me laugh and the contagious antics happened. We talked effortlessly, enjoyed the horses and then had a blast on the ATVs. Wow! What a blast. I'm not the greatest of riders, but I had my moments. It was so freeing and fun. I felt like a kid. My posture on the ATV was rather hilarious. I was trying to get aerodynamic with my head low over the bars and my butt sticking out. What a vision? Right? Well, if you end up in psychotherapy because of that vision, so sad for you! LOL!
Either way, it was a wonderful day. Blessings all around. Once again, my Cup's Half Full. Peace out!
Either way, it was a wonderful day. Blessings all around. Once again, my Cup's Half Full. Peace out!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Happy Saturday!
What a great day. Maybe this is because I slept completely through the night. Maybe my new found way to meditate is helping. I'm just a beginner -- mind you -- but maybe....Ever since yesterday, I have been getting stronger in my mind to try to have my LIFE back even if it might be temporary till I get my final results this next Wednesday, March 30. Either way, Jim, Ashley and I are on hiatus from the deep discussions. Trying to have a sense of routine I'm finding is so important. I must say, even though I had a setback on Wednesday night, I feel there were so many lessons that were learned. I learned I'm not ready to take on a group activity with other cancer survivors just yet; I am not going to absorb someone else's pain or anguish or genuine angst; I am only surrounding myself with love, patience, positivity, BALANCE; I am being more genuine -- which has been needed for a long time -- at a very deep level; I am taking back my life NO MATTER WHAT. See there were many blessings and lessons learned from the other night. So with that.........
Jim and I had a blast last night at one of our weekly dates. It wasn't anything spectacular -- but we made it awesome by being together, giggling, talking about food, people watching, appreciating how hard all the servers at Yard House in Temecula were working. They were working their cute little butts off! Way to go crew! We didn't talk about anything to do with cancer. We just were us. How great is that? For me, it was such joy. True 100% JOY. I've been teased in the past by others that think it's funny that I like the simple things in life. Well, now is one of those major times that simple is the way to go! I LIKE IT LIKE THAT as the song goes. It rings true now. I had a very scrumptuous meal of salad with a vinaigrette that was to die for; and a couple crab cakes. I was so happy. Those of you who know me and my food appreciation know I was humming to myself as I ate this DEE-LISH meal. My appetite hasn't been the best recently because of anxiety, so this was so nice to enjoy fresh, clean flavors. After our date, we simply came home and cuddled, made popcorn and played with the dogs and watched some mindless TV.
I really like baths -- I soak and surround myself with some good scents. I tried to meditate -- seemed to work. Maybe it's not the safest thing to do especially if I end up accidentally falling asleep, but it seemed to work. I felt so relaxed, but mindful of surroundings. It was about 5 - 6 minutes, but it's a start. For those of you out there that meditate, is this a bad idea? It just felt comfortable and seemed right. I hope you don't end up reading about me drowning because I was trying to relax -- that would be just wrong; wouldn't it? Yes, if you don't know by now, I'm a dork! Or some would say: Dingy -- whatever!!!! Either way, I am going to try different areas to meditate. I will be transforming my small bedroom into a little nest of sorts for meditating and yoga. I am going to sew up some pillows, get my candles in order and maybe put a little tiny water feature in there. I have some beautiful blow up "original" photos of specific areas in the Abruzzo region that I took with my camera while I lived there this past summer that I think would really be a beautiful addition t othe wall in there. I'm going to give it a try. What the heck.
So moving into Saturday.... I got to go and volunteer at the Animal Friends of the Valley animal shelter. I just love going there and helping out. Today I got to help adopt at least 3 dogs. One of which was a big guy and he as well as the others deserved to find a forever home. Talk about a sweet victory.
One adoption, in particular, made my heart swell for this little lady. She recently lost her husband of 64 years! That's such a lifetime of commitment; she also had to put down her old chocolate lab who was, I think, 14 years old. She was brought to the shelter by her son and daughter-in-law. What a nice family. They were so supportive of her needs. Well, I saw her looking at this little maltese cross I had been loving on. I asked her if she would like to meet her. The little lady said, "Oh, Yes." I opened the door of the kennel room. In it was a chair for her to sit on. So she sat there waiting -- my God she was so sweet. Her eyes just lit up. Then I placed the little dog on her lap. This little jewel of a dog nestled ever so gently into her lap leaning up again her as if this had been her "assumed position" always. The little lady started to talk with her and pet her. So what does the dog do? Oh, yeah, she's no fool -- she looked up at the little lady and licked her ever so gently. I thought the little lady would melt right then and there. I know I was. I got chills and my heart just swelled. Right then and there -- SOLD! Of course, I got choked up a bit. I never do, but for some reason, this little lady needed this love. Can you imagine losing someone after 64 years? It's longer than you ever lived with your parents. It's longer than some people live. I was moved. So after this initial love fest, she placed the dog down to see what she would do. Well, little miss smarty pants jumped right back up onto her lap. Way cool. I suggested then that the rest of her family come in and be introduced properly. They were so cute and excited for their mom. She found a companion. That's what this is all about. That's what's giving me joy. Once again, the simple things. It's working....... Then I had to go back and start picking up poop........LOL. How appropriate, right? LOL
Oh, well, someone has to do it; right?
Tonight, I'm going to hang with all the dogs at the house: Woody, Chewy,Choli and Chancho. Choli and Chancho are pugs that belong to my daughter Ashley and her boyfriend, Patrick. They are over for a few hours. I'm going to knit this new pattern I'm working on and going to watch yet another mindless movie. The weather is still not so great, but next week it's going to go back to the 70's and possibly into the 80's. I am going to continue to plant my new plants for my backyard. I actually got to plant a lemon tree and a lime tree last week. How cool is that? We couldn't plant these up in Northern California where we resided.
Still, my cup's half full.........Phew!
PS. I keep on forgetting to publicly THANK each and everyone who has been writing me, calling me, texting me, skyping with me from all over the world. I am eternally grateful to have you in my life. I can never repay you but I will love you all for a lifetime. SWAK (for those of you who don't know what that means: Sealed With A Kiss)
Jim and I had a blast last night at one of our weekly dates. It wasn't anything spectacular -- but we made it awesome by being together, giggling, talking about food, people watching, appreciating how hard all the servers at Yard House in Temecula were working. They were working their cute little butts off! Way to go crew! We didn't talk about anything to do with cancer. We just were us. How great is that? For me, it was such joy. True 100% JOY. I've been teased in the past by others that think it's funny that I like the simple things in life. Well, now is one of those major times that simple is the way to go! I LIKE IT LIKE THAT as the song goes. It rings true now. I had a very scrumptuous meal of salad with a vinaigrette that was to die for; and a couple crab cakes. I was so happy. Those of you who know me and my food appreciation know I was humming to myself as I ate this DEE-LISH meal. My appetite hasn't been the best recently because of anxiety, so this was so nice to enjoy fresh, clean flavors. After our date, we simply came home and cuddled, made popcorn and played with the dogs and watched some mindless TV.
I really like baths -- I soak and surround myself with some good scents. I tried to meditate -- seemed to work. Maybe it's not the safest thing to do especially if I end up accidentally falling asleep, but it seemed to work. I felt so relaxed, but mindful of surroundings. It was about 5 - 6 minutes, but it's a start. For those of you out there that meditate, is this a bad idea? It just felt comfortable and seemed right. I hope you don't end up reading about me drowning because I was trying to relax -- that would be just wrong; wouldn't it? Yes, if you don't know by now, I'm a dork! Or some would say: Dingy -- whatever!!!! Either way, I am going to try different areas to meditate. I will be transforming my small bedroom into a little nest of sorts for meditating and yoga. I am going to sew up some pillows, get my candles in order and maybe put a little tiny water feature in there. I have some beautiful blow up "original" photos of specific areas in the Abruzzo region that I took with my camera while I lived there this past summer that I think would really be a beautiful addition t othe wall in there. I'm going to give it a try. What the heck.
So moving into Saturday.... I got to go and volunteer at the Animal Friends of the Valley animal shelter. I just love going there and helping out. Today I got to help adopt at least 3 dogs. One of which was a big guy and he as well as the others deserved to find a forever home. Talk about a sweet victory.
One adoption, in particular, made my heart swell for this little lady. She recently lost her husband of 64 years! That's such a lifetime of commitment; she also had to put down her old chocolate lab who was, I think, 14 years old. She was brought to the shelter by her son and daughter-in-law. What a nice family. They were so supportive of her needs. Well, I saw her looking at this little maltese cross I had been loving on. I asked her if she would like to meet her. The little lady said, "Oh, Yes." I opened the door of the kennel room. In it was a chair for her to sit on. So she sat there waiting -- my God she was so sweet. Her eyes just lit up. Then I placed the little dog on her lap. This little jewel of a dog nestled ever so gently into her lap leaning up again her as if this had been her "assumed position" always. The little lady started to talk with her and pet her. So what does the dog do? Oh, yeah, she's no fool -- she looked up at the little lady and licked her ever so gently. I thought the little lady would melt right then and there. I know I was. I got chills and my heart just swelled. Right then and there -- SOLD! Of course, I got choked up a bit. I never do, but for some reason, this little lady needed this love. Can you imagine losing someone after 64 years? It's longer than you ever lived with your parents. It's longer than some people live. I was moved. So after this initial love fest, she placed the dog down to see what she would do. Well, little miss smarty pants jumped right back up onto her lap. Way cool. I suggested then that the rest of her family come in and be introduced properly. They were so cute and excited for their mom. She found a companion. That's what this is all about. That's what's giving me joy. Once again, the simple things. It's working....... Then I had to go back and start picking up poop........LOL. How appropriate, right? LOL
Oh, well, someone has to do it; right?
Tonight, I'm going to hang with all the dogs at the house: Woody, Chewy,Choli and Chancho. Choli and Chancho are pugs that belong to my daughter Ashley and her boyfriend, Patrick. They are over for a few hours. I'm going to knit this new pattern I'm working on and going to watch yet another mindless movie. The weather is still not so great, but next week it's going to go back to the 70's and possibly into the 80's. I am going to continue to plant my new plants for my backyard. I actually got to plant a lemon tree and a lime tree last week. How cool is that? We couldn't plant these up in Northern California where we resided.
Still, my cup's half full.........Phew!
PS. I keep on forgetting to publicly THANK each and everyone who has been writing me, calling me, texting me, skyping with me from all over the world. I am eternally grateful to have you in my life. I can never repay you but I will love you all for a lifetime. SWAK (for those of you who don't know what that means: Sealed With A Kiss)
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wow, I thought the day was good till tonight.....
I'm so grateful for today because I wanted it to be "normal." No doctors, no tests, no subjects surrounding Cancer. I slept really well, woke up, took care of the dogs and made Jim and myself some breakfast, etc.
I got my hair trimmed/colored and felt so normal. My friend, Teri, made me feel so welcomed and normal that I forgot for awhile that anything was pressing in the back of my mind. Big sighs all over the place. Wonderful! Got to go shop with Ash for some groceries, did some other errands and then came home.
My amazing, and I mean AMAZING, loving hubby had cooked dinner already (4:30pm, yes, early) because he knew I had my first meditation class at this wonderful resource center for women with breast cancer.
I ate my wonderful dinner and ran out the door. Got there a little bit early and met 3 very nice women. No one was talking about their cancers. We all knew. There was one comment about a lady finding out something about her cancer matastasizing, etc. But no expansion on that subject, THANK GOD!
So we then went into our room for meditation. I learned a lot. My teacher, Rose, is a wonderful person. She is so filled with compassion and love and understanding and patience. She's really a gift. Amazing woman. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. She does free counseling as well. HMMMM, think I need to talk with her. Probably will a lot before this is all over. All the women really trust her. There is a good bond between them. I felt very comfortable.
When we finished we came out and sat on couches to relax and talk about what key words will help us to quiet our minds, relax our breathing, etc. I was making my notes.
Then the conversation changed. In walked a woman who had stage 4 cancer. The woman obviously was really wanting to be here tonight but she explained all the things she was doing before she arrived. Things I'm not familiar with nor care to know about EVER. She went on to explain about how she "used to be so strong!" She was "so full of life." Then when I was about to stop from listening further to this because my anxiety level hit an all-time high right about then, she went on to describe how it all started with her diagnosis and every little detail where it started and where it has gone, what has changed, deteriorated, blah, blah, blah. Enough already! I was clutching my t-shirt with my hands. Crazy grip I had going on.
Under normal circumstances, of course, I would have been so understanding and empathetic, but I still am dealing with the fact I even have cancer. Intellectually, I get she's upset and very scared (just like the rest of us), but I also saw a desperation about this woman. From what I was gathering, she was doing so many things for her cancer simultaneously that it seemed franetic and over-the-top crazy behavior. Very dramatic, which I didn't want or need.
So I leaned over to the instructor and in a very low voice that only she could hear, told her I MUST leave NOW and that I was about to freak out. She understood completely and apologized and stood up with me at the same time. About that time everyone else stood up. I think it wasn't just me who was feeling this lady's toxicity! Once again, under normal circumstances I would have hugged this woman because she needs many hugs, but I couldn't even bring myself to get within 10 feet of her. All I knew was I needed to get the hell out of there and get home. I was escorted out the door among the other women that were leaving. Rose, my instructor, tried to calm me and let me know she is there for me and that we would talk soon. As soon as I got to the door, I BUSTED out of there and jogged to the car. Got in my car and IMMEDIATELY lost it! I mean LOST IT! Never ever, ever have I done this. I somehow got home. I believe it was my angels surrounding me, because the cars on the road parted away from me and the lights at the intersections were all green. I literally got home in 7 minutes. Hmmmmmmmmmm, a little devine intervention never hurts anyone, now does it?
I got the car into the garage, through my purse and stuff somewhere and ran into the family room to find Jim. Thank GOD for this man of mine. I then was hysterically crying. I couldn't stop. I couldn't pull myself together. Bottom line, I was scared this would happen to me. I keep on telling myself that I don't want to be a part of this "sorority" of sorts. I have NO desire. I also know that I don't FIT in a group setting yet especially for therapy. Not ready. Maybe one-on-one, but NO WAY GROUP. I simply cannot hear other's stories yet. Not ready.
Ashley called me, my darling angel of mercy, and LISTENED to me for awhile. I was attempting to write this blog. She told me to put it away for the night and think about if I would want to write this down or not. Obviously, I NEED to write about this. Purging here is so much easier for me to control the doubts in my head. I do have faith. I know everyone's journey is different. I just don't want my journey like hers. Dear GOD, please don't let this happen. Please!
With all that emotion of mine, I was finally able to get a grip on my emotions. I took a bath, concentrated on good memories and good affirmations. I even studied my body for a while. I guess I'm getting ready to say good-bye to the "girls." I'm not repulsed, just beginning to resign myself to the fact they both will be gone someday. Ok. If it means I'm going to live and be healthy -- take 'em! Take 'em! Then I can have new ones put on where they belong! LOL.
So, this was last night. Today, Friday, March 25, is a MUCH brighter day. I've had some depression this morning, but am doing overall really well. I even ate a big breakfast which I haven't been and a good healthy lunch. I had an ecco cardiogram at the local hospital for my oncologist. That was a piece of cake. Guess what? I have a VERY HEALTHY HEART!!!!! WWWWWWWWHHHHHhhhEEEEEE!!! Of course I do. I don't feel sick at all! Nothing. Just the uncomfortableness of the armpit and my left breast's weight. To look at me, no one would know. I've even been told recently that "Lynn's glowing." So there!
For those of you who care or not, I guess I'm becoming a good example of the highs and lows of this discovery process when you find out about cancer. But it's name is THE INTRUDER. That works for me.
It's not welcome in my house (my body) and I want to EVICT it immediately. I can't promise I'm going to stop crying from time to time, but I AM and WILL kill this Intruder. I'm no more Ms. Nice gal! No way!
So there. That's enough for one day or two. I have the weekend to try and be "normal." and keep myself very busy. I have volunteering to do at the animal shelter on Saturday. Those animals need great forever homes and I'm going to do my BEST to find them loving homes. They deserve a chance.
See: My Cup's Half Full! Ciao, Ciao -- onward............
I got my hair trimmed/colored and felt so normal. My friend, Teri, made me feel so welcomed and normal that I forgot for awhile that anything was pressing in the back of my mind. Big sighs all over the place. Wonderful! Got to go shop with Ash for some groceries, did some other errands and then came home.
My amazing, and I mean AMAZING, loving hubby had cooked dinner already (4:30pm, yes, early) because he knew I had my first meditation class at this wonderful resource center for women with breast cancer.
I ate my wonderful dinner and ran out the door. Got there a little bit early and met 3 very nice women. No one was talking about their cancers. We all knew. There was one comment about a lady finding out something about her cancer matastasizing, etc. But no expansion on that subject, THANK GOD!
So we then went into our room for meditation. I learned a lot. My teacher, Rose, is a wonderful person. She is so filled with compassion and love and understanding and patience. She's really a gift. Amazing woman. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. She does free counseling as well. HMMMM, think I need to talk with her. Probably will a lot before this is all over. All the women really trust her. There is a good bond between them. I felt very comfortable.
When we finished we came out and sat on couches to relax and talk about what key words will help us to quiet our minds, relax our breathing, etc. I was making my notes.
Then the conversation changed. In walked a woman who had stage 4 cancer. The woman obviously was really wanting to be here tonight but she explained all the things she was doing before she arrived. Things I'm not familiar with nor care to know about EVER. She went on to explain about how she "used to be so strong!" She was "so full of life." Then when I was about to stop from listening further to this because my anxiety level hit an all-time high right about then, she went on to describe how it all started with her diagnosis and every little detail where it started and where it has gone, what has changed, deteriorated, blah, blah, blah. Enough already! I was clutching my t-shirt with my hands. Crazy grip I had going on.
Under normal circumstances, of course, I would have been so understanding and empathetic, but I still am dealing with the fact I even have cancer. Intellectually, I get she's upset and very scared (just like the rest of us), but I also saw a desperation about this woman. From what I was gathering, she was doing so many things for her cancer simultaneously that it seemed franetic and over-the-top crazy behavior. Very dramatic, which I didn't want or need.
So I leaned over to the instructor and in a very low voice that only she could hear, told her I MUST leave NOW and that I was about to freak out. She understood completely and apologized and stood up with me at the same time. About that time everyone else stood up. I think it wasn't just me who was feeling this lady's toxicity! Once again, under normal circumstances I would have hugged this woman because she needs many hugs, but I couldn't even bring myself to get within 10 feet of her. All I knew was I needed to get the hell out of there and get home. I was escorted out the door among the other women that were leaving. Rose, my instructor, tried to calm me and let me know she is there for me and that we would talk soon. As soon as I got to the door, I BUSTED out of there and jogged to the car. Got in my car and IMMEDIATELY lost it! I mean LOST IT! Never ever, ever have I done this. I somehow got home. I believe it was my angels surrounding me, because the cars on the road parted away from me and the lights at the intersections were all green. I literally got home in 7 minutes. Hmmmmmmmmmm, a little devine intervention never hurts anyone, now does it?
I got the car into the garage, through my purse and stuff somewhere and ran into the family room to find Jim. Thank GOD for this man of mine. I then was hysterically crying. I couldn't stop. I couldn't pull myself together. Bottom line, I was scared this would happen to me. I keep on telling myself that I don't want to be a part of this "sorority" of sorts. I have NO desire. I also know that I don't FIT in a group setting yet especially for therapy. Not ready. Maybe one-on-one, but NO WAY GROUP. I simply cannot hear other's stories yet. Not ready.
Ashley called me, my darling angel of mercy, and LISTENED to me for awhile. I was attempting to write this blog. She told me to put it away for the night and think about if I would want to write this down or not. Obviously, I NEED to write about this. Purging here is so much easier for me to control the doubts in my head. I do have faith. I know everyone's journey is different. I just don't want my journey like hers. Dear GOD, please don't let this happen. Please!
With all that emotion of mine, I was finally able to get a grip on my emotions. I took a bath, concentrated on good memories and good affirmations. I even studied my body for a while. I guess I'm getting ready to say good-bye to the "girls." I'm not repulsed, just beginning to resign myself to the fact they both will be gone someday. Ok. If it means I'm going to live and be healthy -- take 'em! Take 'em! Then I can have new ones put on where they belong! LOL.
So, this was last night. Today, Friday, March 25, is a MUCH brighter day. I've had some depression this morning, but am doing overall really well. I even ate a big breakfast which I haven't been and a good healthy lunch. I had an ecco cardiogram at the local hospital for my oncologist. That was a piece of cake. Guess what? I have a VERY HEALTHY HEART!!!!! WWWWWWWWHHHHHhhhEEEEEE!!! Of course I do. I don't feel sick at all! Nothing. Just the uncomfortableness of the armpit and my left breast's weight. To look at me, no one would know. I've even been told recently that "Lynn's glowing." So there!
For those of you who care or not, I guess I'm becoming a good example of the highs and lows of this discovery process when you find out about cancer. But it's name is THE INTRUDER. That works for me.
It's not welcome in my house (my body) and I want to EVICT it immediately. I can't promise I'm going to stop crying from time to time, but I AM and WILL kill this Intruder. I'm no more Ms. Nice gal! No way!
So there. That's enough for one day or two. I have the weekend to try and be "normal." and keep myself very busy. I have volunteering to do at the animal shelter on Saturday. Those animals need great forever homes and I'm going to do my BEST to find them loving homes. They deserve a chance.
See: My Cup's Half Full! Ciao, Ciao -- onward............
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I finished the PET CAT SCAN
Well, today was a quite the day. For the most part, the beginning of the day was awesome since I had a chance to speak with my youngest daughter, Amy, on SKYPE. She's like the best shot in the arm for me. Needless to say, it's very hard for our family to have her so far away, and she, too, feels this as well. But her life is elsewhere and we support her in any way we can. She's an amazing person. Love MY sweetie pie.
As the morning progressed, I seemed to get into my head way too much. I, once again, was thinking way too much about how much more cancer can be found with this test. I did a very good job of freaking myself out once again. One thing that rings true on a daily basis these days are the ups and downs of this process. And we're still in the discovery phase of this disease. Very anxiety driven if you ask me. But for the most part I can deal with this, but then again, BOOM, I turn an emotional corner and there it is once again getting into my head again.
Later, I somehow was able to put my thoughts aside when I received an amazing phone call from a lovely lady who had a lot of amazing words of wisdom to share with me. I listened intently and attempted to wrap my brain around a few situations that I will trust in. It was the shot in the arm I needed in order to get in the car to go to Temecula Valley Nuclear Medicine for my test.
I still had those nerves creeping up inside my body. It's really so strange. I've never had this amount of physical reaction to such events -- but then again, it's not everyday one finds out they have cancer. I was welcomed with open arms in this office. It absolutely amazes me the compassion I've experienced since I have begun going to doctors down here. Wow, it's so overwhelmingly positive. They are ALL blessings.
My family was with me -- Jim, Ash and Amy via cell phone. Yup, I'm very lucky. And I thank them so much for their love. Oh, by the way, have I said how amazingly AWESOME my Ashley is? She's the rock these days for me even while she's dealing with her own health issues. She is so selfless. I love you sweetie! Ok................washing my tears back again. I swear I have the cleanest tear ducts ever! For those who have clogged tear ducts, just cry, it works! LOL
WE were invited into the doc's private office -- Dr. Ernie Meth! What a freakin great name, right? He's from the east coast, articulate Jewish man with a great sense of compassion and humor. Too cute for words. He wanted to know, once again, all about me then my medical stuff that has brought me to him. He shared with us that, he, too was a cancer survivor and that his wife is a breast cancer survivor of 2 years. He was very sorry I was having to go through this but that I was going to be just fine. Wow, how amazing to have those words of encouragement. We spoke about some amazing docs down at Scripp's Hospital in San Diego. Needless, to say, I now have a new appointment to meet these docs @ Scripp's next week! Boy, I sure feel of divine intervention working here everyday around me since this has happened. Placing people in my path to help me along this nightmarish circumstance. Blessings! Way cool! Soon after my initial interview, a lovely technician came in to get me so she could administer my radioactive cocktail into my vein! Oh, yippee-skippee.......It did not hurt. It was rather cool, in fact. No, I mean cool to the touch feeling as it entered into my vein and ultimately into my body. No biggy everyone. This "cocktail" can last from 10 mins - several hours in your body. You flush it out by drinking lots of water after the procedure. Its a type of glucose that finds the cancer elsewhere in your body. (Oh, please don't let it find more, oh, please don't let it find more).
I sat and waited about 35 minutes to let it travel through my body. I was then greeted by the tallest, young man with the biggest white smile. Ok, my turn. I practically bounded out of the office. I was obviously full and I mean FULL of adrenaline! He and I had a nice conversation as we approached the semi with the PET Scan unit in it. As I prepared myself for the procedure and laid myself on this movable bed, the tech could see how visibly upset and nervous I was. As he situated me in and gave me blankets to help keep me warm, he asked if he could pray with me.................Needless to say our eyes met very intently and I choked out a YES. He held my hand as I lay there and said the most soothing of words and asked I would be given the quiet I need to succeed in finding the truth of this situation I am facing; that I would be given the added strength I already possess inside and the love that will follow me. He said some other very profound words, but cannot remember it all enough to articulate them the way they need to be shared. With that, he let go of my hand and we began the test.
As the procedure began I felt a little panic and my heart was beating right out of my chest. I kept on thinking about the prayer and breathing with my body in order for it to begin to relax. It took what seemed like forever, but it must have been about a few minutes. My body was still shaking like a leaf -- and then it happened -- I suddenly stopped the shaking. It was the most amazing thing -- no certain breath, no certain thought -- I simply RELAXED and finished the test. The test ended in about 40 minutes. I was never so RELIEVED as when I was free to leave. I thanked my technician and hugged him; my doctor came out and greeted me -- we hugged. Wow, all these hugs. Those of you who know me, know I love the hugs. But considering how I was feeling: I NEEDED those hugs today. No tears, just hugs. I came out to meet Ashley. Picked up our stuff and walked out. AAAAAHHHHHHH, this too shall pass. This test was finished and I won't have to do this again. We will find out next week what was discovered. There is nothing else I can do. Whatever they find will help with my Plan of Attack for this intruder. I just have to find my surgeon I want to stick with. I have good one now, but I must look at the bigger picture for me regarding where these procedures will take place. I want the best for myself. So we'll see what happens with the doctor I meet next Thursday.
The best part now is I can have a sense of relaxation. I can breathe for a while. I don't have a sense of panic currently. I need this time to chill and get into my "routine" of life a bit. A lot is ahead and I need to rest, relax and be my normal self for a while longer. So that's what I know for now. As I see it, My cup's half full. Give me the strength I need. Here I am and here I will be............Phewwww
As the morning progressed, I seemed to get into my head way too much. I, once again, was thinking way too much about how much more cancer can be found with this test. I did a very good job of freaking myself out once again. One thing that rings true on a daily basis these days are the ups and downs of this process. And we're still in the discovery phase of this disease. Very anxiety driven if you ask me. But for the most part I can deal with this, but then again, BOOM, I turn an emotional corner and there it is once again getting into my head again.
Later, I somehow was able to put my thoughts aside when I received an amazing phone call from a lovely lady who had a lot of amazing words of wisdom to share with me. I listened intently and attempted to wrap my brain around a few situations that I will trust in. It was the shot in the arm I needed in order to get in the car to go to Temecula Valley Nuclear Medicine for my test.
I still had those nerves creeping up inside my body. It's really so strange. I've never had this amount of physical reaction to such events -- but then again, it's not everyday one finds out they have cancer. I was welcomed with open arms in this office. It absolutely amazes me the compassion I've experienced since I have begun going to doctors down here. Wow, it's so overwhelmingly positive. They are ALL blessings.
My family was with me -- Jim, Ash and Amy via cell phone. Yup, I'm very lucky. And I thank them so much for their love. Oh, by the way, have I said how amazingly AWESOME my Ashley is? She's the rock these days for me even while she's dealing with her own health issues. She is so selfless. I love you sweetie! Ok................washing my tears back again. I swear I have the cleanest tear ducts ever! For those who have clogged tear ducts, just cry, it works! LOL
WE were invited into the doc's private office -- Dr. Ernie Meth! What a freakin great name, right? He's from the east coast, articulate Jewish man with a great sense of compassion and humor. Too cute for words. He wanted to know, once again, all about me then my medical stuff that has brought me to him. He shared with us that, he, too was a cancer survivor and that his wife is a breast cancer survivor of 2 years. He was very sorry I was having to go through this but that I was going to be just fine. Wow, how amazing to have those words of encouragement. We spoke about some amazing docs down at Scripp's Hospital in San Diego. Needless, to say, I now have a new appointment to meet these docs @ Scripp's next week! Boy, I sure feel of divine intervention working here everyday around me since this has happened. Placing people in my path to help me along this nightmarish circumstance. Blessings! Way cool! Soon after my initial interview, a lovely technician came in to get me so she could administer my radioactive cocktail into my vein! Oh, yippee-skippee.......It did not hurt. It was rather cool, in fact. No, I mean cool to the touch feeling as it entered into my vein and ultimately into my body. No biggy everyone. This "cocktail" can last from 10 mins - several hours in your body. You flush it out by drinking lots of water after the procedure. Its a type of glucose that finds the cancer elsewhere in your body. (Oh, please don't let it find more, oh, please don't let it find more).
I sat and waited about 35 minutes to let it travel through my body. I was then greeted by the tallest, young man with the biggest white smile. Ok, my turn. I practically bounded out of the office. I was obviously full and I mean FULL of adrenaline! He and I had a nice conversation as we approached the semi with the PET Scan unit in it. As I prepared myself for the procedure and laid myself on this movable bed, the tech could see how visibly upset and nervous I was. As he situated me in and gave me blankets to help keep me warm, he asked if he could pray with me.................Needless to say our eyes met very intently and I choked out a YES. He held my hand as I lay there and said the most soothing of words and asked I would be given the quiet I need to succeed in finding the truth of this situation I am facing; that I would be given the added strength I already possess inside and the love that will follow me. He said some other very profound words, but cannot remember it all enough to articulate them the way they need to be shared. With that, he let go of my hand and we began the test.
As the procedure began I felt a little panic and my heart was beating right out of my chest. I kept on thinking about the prayer and breathing with my body in order for it to begin to relax. It took what seemed like forever, but it must have been about a few minutes. My body was still shaking like a leaf -- and then it happened -- I suddenly stopped the shaking. It was the most amazing thing -- no certain breath, no certain thought -- I simply RELAXED and finished the test. The test ended in about 40 minutes. I was never so RELIEVED as when I was free to leave. I thanked my technician and hugged him; my doctor came out and greeted me -- we hugged. Wow, all these hugs. Those of you who know me, know I love the hugs. But considering how I was feeling: I NEEDED those hugs today. No tears, just hugs. I came out to meet Ashley. Picked up our stuff and walked out. AAAAAHHHHHHH, this too shall pass. This test was finished and I won't have to do this again. We will find out next week what was discovered. There is nothing else I can do. Whatever they find will help with my Plan of Attack for this intruder. I just have to find my surgeon I want to stick with. I have good one now, but I must look at the bigger picture for me regarding where these procedures will take place. I want the best for myself. So we'll see what happens with the doctor I meet next Thursday.
The best part now is I can have a sense of relaxation. I can breathe for a while. I don't have a sense of panic currently. I need this time to chill and get into my "routine" of life a bit. A lot is ahead and I need to rest, relax and be my normal self for a while longer. So that's what I know for now. As I see it, My cup's half full. Give me the strength I need. Here I am and here I will be............Phewwww
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Things are starting to move
I just got the phone call from the Temecula Valley Nuclear Medicine group. They have me scheduled for the PET cat scan for tomorrow, Wed, March 23 @ 2pm. I can only eat specific foods for dinner and breakfast tomorrow before 8am. Then I can drink water and herbal teas. No sugar anything since they will be injecting me with a pharmaceutical radioactive agent into my body. Doesn't that sound like a good time had by all? Whhhhhheeeeeee! After the test, then I can flush it out of me with lots and lots of good water. Kinds of makes me want to go the bathroom now. Yikes. TMI, sorry. I will get my results in 9 days from my oncologist. Pray I have no other cancers attached anywhere else in my body. If there are, well, they are going to be nuked anyway. I just hope it's not in any main organ. But either way, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT all the way. There are AMAZING advances in medicine now.
I just haven't said it yet, but I am looking at holistic approaches as well as what the medical field has available. Yes, I'm watching my intake of foods, sugars, NO alcohol, etc. I'm in the process of learning a lot about what I need to do for myself. I'm not looking forward to chemo.
I ask for your prayers, good thoughts, good energy, whatever you can throw my way.
Hugs to all! I need a hug. A lot to take it right now. I better go find a dog to cuddle with for a while.
Ciao, Ciao!
Lynn
I just haven't said it yet, but I am looking at holistic approaches as well as what the medical field has available. Yes, I'm watching my intake of foods, sugars, NO alcohol, etc. I'm in the process of learning a lot about what I need to do for myself. I'm not looking forward to chemo.
I ask for your prayers, good thoughts, good energy, whatever you can throw my way.
Hugs to all! I need a hug. A lot to take it right now. I better go find a dog to cuddle with for a while.
Ciao, Ciao!
Lynn
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