Not really sure how to begin this particular one -- blog, that is. I've purposefully have stayed away from this site. I've needed to. I realize I have been pretty much an open book, which is so unusual for me to be. I'm very private. Yes, I'm social -- at least I used to be especially during my work days -- but my private time was just that -- PRIVATE. So here I am, now with breast cancer -- which by the way, I'm not wanting to be DEFINED by this...........That has become very apparent to me. Perhaps I'm seeing myself for the first time in a very vulnerable light. Perhaps I don't like this light. But then again, I don't have a choice, now do I?
Either way, I have committed to this process because, frankly, it's very cathartic for me to put it down -- to write this -- to purge this SHHHHHTTTTTTUUUFFFF out of me. I feel that if I don't then the intruder wins to a degree. My scared emotions or feelings I have give IT a life of it's own and I don't want that to be. If it would help my situation, I would have a full on tantrum with the kicking, screaming, carrying on yelling and breaking of anything in my pathway -- but I know that's not going to help me -- it's really a lot of wasted energy -- energy I MUST bank on since my chemo is literally just around the corner. Oh, my GAWD, how I wish I could avoid this. Well, I guess I could if I want to DIE. That's not an option right now for me -- God willing. I know some people have chosen to do the holistic way and not to do chemo, which is good for them; but in my heart of hearts, mine is unavoidable. I know I have to walk this road as long and daunting as it seems to be for me. Oh yeah, and it's hilly, too! I think about it in terms when I was in Civita D'Antino, I had to walk up this walkway that didn't visually seem to be steep -- but once you got up to that walkway, oh, dear GAWD, it was steep -- I would look at the cobbled stone stairway and say to myself, "Ok, one at a time -- hope my lungs don't burst -- one at a time." I would finally arrive at the Porta Flora (doorway) and gasp for a big breath of air each and everytime. And I kid you not, it was every single time Iwalked that stairway. It did eventually get easier, but I still gasped for air each and everytime I would pass that Porta Flora. I would go up and down that area at least 3 times a day every day I was there. I would even laugh out loud once I got past the Porta Flora because I imagined myself gasping as I made the "trek". Like some right of passage several times in a day. So with that, I guess that's how I'm looking at this chemo challenge.
It's going to be hilly -- one step at a time -- I hope my lungs don't burst -- one step at a time!
Really, the last couple days have been pretty normal except for the fact I'm still healing from the port being placed into my chest area -- on the right side -- coming from my right underarm area. It's very clean. It just feels tight. They must have positioned my arm above my head because I'm pretty sore and stiff. But I'm healing up beautifully. My beautiful nurse neighbor across the street from my house has made it abundantly clear that she can be there for me to take vitals and fix me up as needed. She's such an angel from heaven. What a doll. I feel so lucky to be here. I thank my God everyday for this.
It's very strange to me how one moment I'm seemingly very normal -- great energy, happy-go-lucky, playing around with the dogs, doing my thing in the house, bill paying, grocery shopping, knitting, you know, the regular stuff of life -- and then get a simple phone call as a reminder that I have this appointment tomorrow with my oncologist and he wants me to start Chemo. Wow, rubberband effect happening. Makes my head swim. But I can't start chemo cuz I have to go to a followup appointment with my surgeon then meet another oncologist to make sure my plan of attack is the right one for me. Which by the way, we should all make sure and double sure this is the correct plan so as there are NO doubts. Either way, I'm in great hands. I know this to be true. There isn't a waiver of doubt at all. I feel so lucky to have the team I have supporting me. It's simply humbling. I keep on reflecting on all the people I've met through this whole nightmare. But the people themselves are not the nightmare. They are amazing gifts~ they are my gifts. How can this be? There are reasons beyond my own reasoning and I am understanding it better and better each day.
So tonight, my dear hubby and I had yet another beautifully clean, DEE-LISH meal. He cleaned up and I ushered myself into the tub. My tub has become my refuge! I love that thing. I got in the habit of "tub time" years ago after a minor car accident -- back in 1986. The tub relaxed my muscles. So with that, I have continued onward ever since. Anyway, I had my time alone, and without provocation or warning I found myself in the throws of tears. Not tears of "poor me" but rather I don't get this disease. How did I end up here? What lesson am I supposed to learn? I guess this chemo is really going to happen..........OH, yes, it's very real. It's gunna happen all right. That's the thing about all this change -- there is no hiding. I can't climb to the top of a mountain trying to run away from it; I can't crawl underneath a rock to hide; I can't hide in bed with my covers over my head; I can't run from this. Oh, how I wish I could. I really wish, but it would only make things worse. I do want to erradicate this cancer growing inside me. I don't want it to spread; I want to get my life back. I am now realizing even more that my life truly has changed forever. But I believe in my heart, I will come back better and stronger. Life never ceases to amaze me. All the winding corners of the road. Step at a time. I thought I could do day at a time. Nope, it's step at a time for now. I can live with that. It's a good thing. Tomorrow will be another adventure. So we'll see what happens. It's supposed to be still nice weather so I hope to capitalize on that one. Will take the dogs for a run in the field and then I plan on doing whatever.........I'll know once I decide. I am very, very lucky. I am so very blessed to have my life. I guess my cup's still half full! Ciao, Ciao
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
HAD MINOR SURGERY
I went in yesterday at Scripp's Hospital for my surgery to have the port placed into my chest area. I had no idea what positions these ports are placed, but Thank goodness my doctor took into account the fact I could acquire a new scar, so he placed it in a manner where the scar will be in my underarm tissue on the right side and also placed it in a manner that won't affect my next surgery when we remove my breasts. What a fantastic team of nurses and doctors. My anesthesiologist was interesting and very professional and very kind. I sailed off very nicely, I might add. Before I knew it was I was awake again. My doctor came and checked in on me 3 times. I felt so taken care of. My nurse, Amy, was awesome. I will have a followup next week with Dr. Hyde and his oncologist. We are trying to get a good plan of chemo for me. They want to make sure all options are on the table for me that will work for my cancer and work for my body. You have to be very careful with amounts and types of chemo drugs. Certain drugs can have ramifications on other body parts. So we are being very proactive and mindful. The medicine and facilities are light years ahead of other facilities I've been to and feel very safe here.
My pain drugs have kicked in now so I better stop writing for now. I must behave myself and not do a thing, which is a challenge for me since I'm always in some kind of motion around my home and in life in general.
It's 70 degrees and I have my backdoor opened while my wind chimes are singing their song in the background. Love it. I'm very relaxed now. Till the next time when I have some additional information or comments.
Enjoy your weekend! Ciao, Ciao
My pain drugs have kicked in now so I better stop writing for now. I must behave myself and not do a thing, which is a challenge for me since I'm always in some kind of motion around my home and in life in general.
It's 70 degrees and I have my backdoor opened while my wind chimes are singing their song in the background. Love it. I'm very relaxed now. Till the next time when I have some additional information or comments.
Enjoy your weekend! Ciao, Ciao
Thursday, March 31, 2011
What a day!
As the title states: What a day. Yes, indeed, it was quite the day. I met my new surgeon, Dr. Paul Hyde.
OMG are the only words I can say! OH, MY GOD!!! I still cannot believe how I've landed here with these amazing doctors and amazing people that keep on coming into our lives. If it weren't for the nuclear medicine doctor making this high recommendation for me to contact Dr. Hyde, I would never have met this genius!
This man was voted the number #1 doctor in America by his medical community of peers for 2006-2007. With that said, he is not a premadonna. He came into my exam room, introduced himself and then proceeded to meet my "team:, Jim and Ash. Then he began with the basic questions as to how I landed here with him. I explained and then he went into a full-on exam of my chest and upper body area. What an exam. It was very thorough -- different, yet again. I am finding each doc "has their way of discovery." But this man did not treat me like a piece of meat or just another patient. From the beginning, he was empathetic, LISTENED -- completely present. Boy, did he interrogate. I let him know before he asked that I had never had a biopsy till recently, March 11, 2011. He wanted to know what the course of action had been up to meeting him. I told him I needed to have a port placed somewhere on my chest so I may begin Chemo. We told him what we knew up this point. Some doctors only deal with their "own" team of experts; but he wanted to know what I wanted and what I was willing to do or NOT do, etc. He made no assumptions, which I really appreciated. He most definitely wanted to speak with my current oncologist. We also explained to him we really believe my current Oncologist is amazing as well -- a salt of the earth -- as well as many other important components set him apart from the average doc.(oncologist, that is) However, we also reiterated that if his own team of oncologists have other recommendations that would benefit my overall cure from cancer then by all means, we would do or go where we need to go. I am keeping all my options open. So he's fully aware we are flexible and want the best treatment for my type of cancer. So he will let me know probably tomorrow or next week as to what he found out through conversation with his people and then my oncologist.
He also explained to me how he would place the port which was not explained to me before. He makes sure the port is placed entering from under my right armpit area so as not to make a huge scar that will not potentially heal properly. The port will be just under my skin below my collarbone connected to a vein which will in turn be the catalyst for my chemo treatment. He does these types of ports about 3-4 times a week; so the man knows what he's doing. Of course I will have to be careful, not get hit, watch out when playing with my big dog, Woody, etc. This procedure will take an hour and I will be doing it TOMORROW. Friday, April 1, 2011. NO THIS IS NOT April Fool's day.
When he first asked me if I wanted it done or Monday, I said Monday. What a knee-jerk reaction! I'm trying not to do that! Putting it off, that is! Oh, dopey me. My family -- my "team" heard that come out of my mouth, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. Then their faces said it all.....The look of WHAT????? Then the doc suggested, not demanded, but suggested that maybe it would be a good thing to have it done tomorrow because it would give me a couple days of rest and healing so that next week I can begin my CHEMO............OH, yeah, the eyes began to fill up. It was my reality check yet again...........
Dr. Hyde looked at me and asked me why I wanted to wait and all I could say was, "I am still coming to grips with the fact I have Cancer. I guess I don't know any other reason." About that time I started to get pretty choked up. He could see the softer, big time marshmallow melting before his eyes quickly. You know what he did? He came over to me and hugged me and told me everything I needed and wanted to hear. He told me I was a strong person that he could see this; that I was a positive person; that I have a very strong support system and that this was going to be a hard journey for me, BUT I will come out of this just fine and be able to move on with my life! I literally clutched onto him. I didn't do the UGLY cry, but I did clutch onto this man. All I could say was, "OK. Let's do this tomorrow. I can do this. I know I can."
Because he is extremely thorough, I was then able to be scheduled at Scripps Hospital for an MRI w/ dye for my breasts. He wants to know EXACT sizes and locations of the tumor because I will ultimately be having a bilateral masectomy. Yes, I am. I am NOT going to mess around with any potential reoccurances. I don't want to do this again 10-15 years down the road. NO Way! Each woman has her own choice/journey/decisions to make regarding this. For me, it's very clear -- I must level this playing field out so I can have the rest of my life with my husband, future grand children and the new travels and relationships I will be building on. So there. There is also some type of blood test that no one has had me do yet, but was taken today also. I must learn more about it but it has to do with all the hormone levels. Will get back to that one at a later date. Man, when this man wants something, it gets done now. I was then scheduled @ 2:15pm today for my MRI downstairs at Scripps. We had a 2 hr break and went into La Jolla for lunch then down to the beach area. Funny thing is, I was totally calm and not sick to my stomach with worry. I know I'm supposed to go through this. It was so fun to be in an incredibly amazing little city. The food was soooooo dee-lish. Then we went to the edge where all the sea lions were hanging out. It felt good to get back to the coast. Oh, yeah, and it was 80 degrees at the coast today. GORGEOUS. I kept on drinking in the air. Breathing in the Breath of Life. So true for me. So true.
So I got back to my MRI area. The nurse came to get me, made me feel very comfortable and made me laugh. What a character she was. Apparently, she has also worked with Dr. Oz because she is from back east. She placed and IV in my right arm for a dye that would be administered via a high tech machine I would ultimately be hooked up to. I was then ushered into this room where this huge CAT Scan /MRI unit was waiting for me. Now here comes the funny part.
I had to get up onto this bed facing down. I had 2 gowns with the open end facing the front - so I could "expose myself" -- It was like lying down when you have a massage. You place your head in a padded holder, Then there was the section that was like a cut out for your boobies. So as I laid down, in went my boobies and they just hung there. The next procedure kind of reminded me of a bull in a shoot at a rodeo.........I know what a comparison, but it really was -- except it was for my girls -- my boobies. The assistant took my right boobie and "secured" it with a holder and she did that with the left one as well. All the while I'm thinking, "Dear GAWD that poor woman has to do this daily? Oh, well. They gave me earplugs because the scanner is sooo freaking loud. No exaggeration either. What a major noise maker.
So after I was secure, up I was lifted and apparently moved into this tube like donut. If you have closterphobia, this wouldn't be as bad as one would think. But it can play with your mind if you let it. I didn't let it do that to me. I took it as a time to rest because I'm so tired from all this upheavel of activity. So I closed my eyes and took myself to my happy places. I was back in Italy, I was back up a certain road I would walk when I was living in Civita D'Antino; I was in Roma at a great restaurant with Amy and Loreto; I was in Hawaii; I was everywhere I wanted to be. It was truly relaxing. So there were several 3-minute procedures. The whole entire thing lasted in that tube for about 35 minutes. It was very relaxing for me. When it was all done, I took my time getting back up, talked with the tech, then I left. It was that easy.
So tomorrow morning I come back and go in for my port. I'm not worried in the least. Yes, it's a new begnning to the next phase of this journey, but that means I can start shrinking the enemy here and reduce their sizes. I figure if I don't sleep tonight, which I think I will, but if I don't, I will get forced sleep tomorrow.
I am praying all the time these days. I meditate as well as pray. I think that's all one can do. But I am also trying to be me. It's hard for me to be completely me, but I must try. I want to be more accepting. And today was a good example of me still trying to control the situation. So funny how that is. I am changing, but I don't think for the worse. I am on this journey for whatever reason. I have to go through that threshold of the unknown for me. I am still here and hanging in there with the gusto of life embracing me. I do feel all the love! It's the most wonderful gift so many of you have given me! Thank you again!
I am the luckiest and most loved person. How much better does that get? So till the next time I write. I might not tomorrow since I may be out of commission. But I will continue thereafter. Keep me in your good thoughts and positive mindset.
The cup's still half full no matter what!
Rock on all!
And go dance! Just do it!
OMG are the only words I can say! OH, MY GOD!!! I still cannot believe how I've landed here with these amazing doctors and amazing people that keep on coming into our lives. If it weren't for the nuclear medicine doctor making this high recommendation for me to contact Dr. Hyde, I would never have met this genius!
This man was voted the number #1 doctor in America by his medical community of peers for 2006-2007. With that said, he is not a premadonna. He came into my exam room, introduced himself and then proceeded to meet my "team:, Jim and Ash. Then he began with the basic questions as to how I landed here with him. I explained and then he went into a full-on exam of my chest and upper body area. What an exam. It was very thorough -- different, yet again. I am finding each doc "has their way of discovery." But this man did not treat me like a piece of meat or just another patient. From the beginning, he was empathetic, LISTENED -- completely present. Boy, did he interrogate. I let him know before he asked that I had never had a biopsy till recently, March 11, 2011. He wanted to know what the course of action had been up to meeting him. I told him I needed to have a port placed somewhere on my chest so I may begin Chemo. We told him what we knew up this point. Some doctors only deal with their "own" team of experts; but he wanted to know what I wanted and what I was willing to do or NOT do, etc. He made no assumptions, which I really appreciated. He most definitely wanted to speak with my current oncologist. We also explained to him we really believe my current Oncologist is amazing as well -- a salt of the earth -- as well as many other important components set him apart from the average doc.(oncologist, that is) However, we also reiterated that if his own team of oncologists have other recommendations that would benefit my overall cure from cancer then by all means, we would do or go where we need to go. I am keeping all my options open. So he's fully aware we are flexible and want the best treatment for my type of cancer. So he will let me know probably tomorrow or next week as to what he found out through conversation with his people and then my oncologist.
He also explained to me how he would place the port which was not explained to me before. He makes sure the port is placed entering from under my right armpit area so as not to make a huge scar that will not potentially heal properly. The port will be just under my skin below my collarbone connected to a vein which will in turn be the catalyst for my chemo treatment. He does these types of ports about 3-4 times a week; so the man knows what he's doing. Of course I will have to be careful, not get hit, watch out when playing with my big dog, Woody, etc. This procedure will take an hour and I will be doing it TOMORROW. Friday, April 1, 2011. NO THIS IS NOT April Fool's day.
When he first asked me if I wanted it done or Monday, I said Monday. What a knee-jerk reaction! I'm trying not to do that! Putting it off, that is! Oh, dopey me. My family -- my "team" heard that come out of my mouth, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. Then their faces said it all.....The look of WHAT????? Then the doc suggested, not demanded, but suggested that maybe it would be a good thing to have it done tomorrow because it would give me a couple days of rest and healing so that next week I can begin my CHEMO............OH, yeah, the eyes began to fill up. It was my reality check yet again...........
Dr. Hyde looked at me and asked me why I wanted to wait and all I could say was, "I am still coming to grips with the fact I have Cancer. I guess I don't know any other reason." About that time I started to get pretty choked up. He could see the softer, big time marshmallow melting before his eyes quickly. You know what he did? He came over to me and hugged me and told me everything I needed and wanted to hear. He told me I was a strong person that he could see this; that I was a positive person; that I have a very strong support system and that this was going to be a hard journey for me, BUT I will come out of this just fine and be able to move on with my life! I literally clutched onto him. I didn't do the UGLY cry, but I did clutch onto this man. All I could say was, "OK. Let's do this tomorrow. I can do this. I know I can."
Because he is extremely thorough, I was then able to be scheduled at Scripps Hospital for an MRI w/ dye for my breasts. He wants to know EXACT sizes and locations of the tumor because I will ultimately be having a bilateral masectomy. Yes, I am. I am NOT going to mess around with any potential reoccurances. I don't want to do this again 10-15 years down the road. NO Way! Each woman has her own choice/journey/decisions to make regarding this. For me, it's very clear -- I must level this playing field out so I can have the rest of my life with my husband, future grand children and the new travels and relationships I will be building on. So there. There is also some type of blood test that no one has had me do yet, but was taken today also. I must learn more about it but it has to do with all the hormone levels. Will get back to that one at a later date. Man, when this man wants something, it gets done now. I was then scheduled @ 2:15pm today for my MRI downstairs at Scripps. We had a 2 hr break and went into La Jolla for lunch then down to the beach area. Funny thing is, I was totally calm and not sick to my stomach with worry. I know I'm supposed to go through this. It was so fun to be in an incredibly amazing little city. The food was soooooo dee-lish. Then we went to the edge where all the sea lions were hanging out. It felt good to get back to the coast. Oh, yeah, and it was 80 degrees at the coast today. GORGEOUS. I kept on drinking in the air. Breathing in the Breath of Life. So true for me. So true.
So I got back to my MRI area. The nurse came to get me, made me feel very comfortable and made me laugh. What a character she was. Apparently, she has also worked with Dr. Oz because she is from back east. She placed and IV in my right arm for a dye that would be administered via a high tech machine I would ultimately be hooked up to. I was then ushered into this room where this huge CAT Scan /MRI unit was waiting for me. Now here comes the funny part.
I had to get up onto this bed facing down. I had 2 gowns with the open end facing the front - so I could "expose myself" -- It was like lying down when you have a massage. You place your head in a padded holder, Then there was the section that was like a cut out for your boobies. So as I laid down, in went my boobies and they just hung there. The next procedure kind of reminded me of a bull in a shoot at a rodeo.........I know what a comparison, but it really was -- except it was for my girls -- my boobies. The assistant took my right boobie and "secured" it with a holder and she did that with the left one as well. All the while I'm thinking, "Dear GAWD that poor woman has to do this daily? Oh, well. They gave me earplugs because the scanner is sooo freaking loud. No exaggeration either. What a major noise maker.
So after I was secure, up I was lifted and apparently moved into this tube like donut. If you have closterphobia, this wouldn't be as bad as one would think. But it can play with your mind if you let it. I didn't let it do that to me. I took it as a time to rest because I'm so tired from all this upheavel of activity. So I closed my eyes and took myself to my happy places. I was back in Italy, I was back up a certain road I would walk when I was living in Civita D'Antino; I was in Roma at a great restaurant with Amy and Loreto; I was in Hawaii; I was everywhere I wanted to be. It was truly relaxing. So there were several 3-minute procedures. The whole entire thing lasted in that tube for about 35 minutes. It was very relaxing for me. When it was all done, I took my time getting back up, talked with the tech, then I left. It was that easy.
So tomorrow morning I come back and go in for my port. I'm not worried in the least. Yes, it's a new begnning to the next phase of this journey, but that means I can start shrinking the enemy here and reduce their sizes. I figure if I don't sleep tonight, which I think I will, but if I don't, I will get forced sleep tomorrow.
I am praying all the time these days. I meditate as well as pray. I think that's all one can do. But I am also trying to be me. It's hard for me to be completely me, but I must try. I want to be more accepting. And today was a good example of me still trying to control the situation. So funny how that is. I am changing, but I don't think for the worse. I am on this journey for whatever reason. I have to go through that threshold of the unknown for me. I am still here and hanging in there with the gusto of life embracing me. I do feel all the love! It's the most wonderful gift so many of you have given me! Thank you again!
I am the luckiest and most loved person. How much better does that get? So till the next time I write. I might not tomorrow since I may be out of commission. But I will continue thereafter. Keep me in your good thoughts and positive mindset.
The cup's still half full no matter what!
Rock on all!
And go dance! Just do it!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday - Over the Hump Day -- literally!
Today was the day I have been dreading yet NEEDING to know what the final results are of my PET CAT scan. This is a very important test for the oncologist to determine where, if any, there is anymore cancer spreading throughout my body. I've been trying to keep very busy and not think about it too much. But, since I'm a human being, of course I thought it about and played all the scenarios in my head yet again. But for the most part these past few days have been quite a growing experience for me. Wow, wow, wow!
So the appointment was at 10am. We sat there and sat there and sat there. We talked with the nurses for awhile, we made small talk about any other subject we could think of to keep ME from climbing out of my skin. My husband, Jim and oldest daughter, Ashley were there with me. They are quite the talkers when you put those two together -- dear gawd, they can talk about anything under the sun. Honestly, I didn't mind that the doc was taking his time with another patient, because they needed him. But then it was my turn around 11:15am. He brought in his lap top and started in on the "findings." This is there part where I'm still learning about SLOW, STEADY pacing. I'm one of those persons that I like to get right to the point and discuss the matter at hand. I am learning about the simmering process regarding my cancer. Needless to say, my doc is an extremely thorough and very methodical professional -- serious, yet very empathetic about his patient at hand. I actually was able to see my PET test result 3-D with my body completely transparent with my organs showing. The things that were highlighted for the most part was my cancer. I saw my breast, my axillary (armpit) nodes. And the greatest things of all -- NOTHING else was lit up! NO other major organs! NONE!!!!! I realized this and began to get very excited inside myself. But had to maintain while he went through every little detail as to what he was reading from the report as well as the visual display on the screen. We then looked at my body on the screen from the perspective as you would if you were slicing a loaf of bread. 1/8 cm at a time. It was very interesting to see my body from this point of view. So the long and the short of it is this: I'm at Stage 3. NOT 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I know how it works for a lot of people and they can get very preoccupied with the number game. The bottom line for me is this: The cancer has not spread to any other organs in my body! HUGE success! HUGE!!!! I feel like I have won the lottery!
Yes, this is still serious, but at least now I have a major league game plan that I CAN wrap my brain around.
I meet my new surgeon tomorrow at Scripp's Hospital out of La Jolla. An excellent surgeon with the knowledge I will need for the future. He will also place my "port" into my body soon for my next process which will be CHEMO. That will be within the next 7-10 days. I will be learning a lot more about the new poison/drug I will be entering into my body, but it's one I want. Crazy to think this, but I want it. I will be making other dietary choices as well as using Chemo for now. At a later date, I will have surgery to remove my breasts. Yes, bilateral -- both. I don't want to take a chance for this stuff to come back and take the other at a later time. I don't trust it. But it's also my choice. This may not work for others, but this is my body and that's what I want at this point.
Either way, my day was remarkable. It could have gone the other direction but it didn't. For this, I am eternally grateful!
For all that have been there and are supporting me, I thank you! Your continued prayers are always welcomed. I will sleep much better tonight oddly enough. I am blessed. I have the best and greatest family and friends!
Oh, yeah..............My cup's still half full believe it or not! WWWWHHHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!
So the appointment was at 10am. We sat there and sat there and sat there. We talked with the nurses for awhile, we made small talk about any other subject we could think of to keep ME from climbing out of my skin. My husband, Jim and oldest daughter, Ashley were there with me. They are quite the talkers when you put those two together -- dear gawd, they can talk about anything under the sun. Honestly, I didn't mind that the doc was taking his time with another patient, because they needed him. But then it was my turn around 11:15am. He brought in his lap top and started in on the "findings." This is there part where I'm still learning about SLOW, STEADY pacing. I'm one of those persons that I like to get right to the point and discuss the matter at hand. I am learning about the simmering process regarding my cancer. Needless to say, my doc is an extremely thorough and very methodical professional -- serious, yet very empathetic about his patient at hand. I actually was able to see my PET test result 3-D with my body completely transparent with my organs showing. The things that were highlighted for the most part was my cancer. I saw my breast, my axillary (armpit) nodes. And the greatest things of all -- NOTHING else was lit up! NO other major organs! NONE!!!!! I realized this and began to get very excited inside myself. But had to maintain while he went through every little detail as to what he was reading from the report as well as the visual display on the screen. We then looked at my body on the screen from the perspective as you would if you were slicing a loaf of bread. 1/8 cm at a time. It was very interesting to see my body from this point of view. So the long and the short of it is this: I'm at Stage 3. NOT 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I know how it works for a lot of people and they can get very preoccupied with the number game. The bottom line for me is this: The cancer has not spread to any other organs in my body! HUGE success! HUGE!!!! I feel like I have won the lottery!
Yes, this is still serious, but at least now I have a major league game plan that I CAN wrap my brain around.
I meet my new surgeon tomorrow at Scripp's Hospital out of La Jolla. An excellent surgeon with the knowledge I will need for the future. He will also place my "port" into my body soon for my next process which will be CHEMO. That will be within the next 7-10 days. I will be learning a lot more about the new poison/drug I will be entering into my body, but it's one I want. Crazy to think this, but I want it. I will be making other dietary choices as well as using Chemo for now. At a later date, I will have surgery to remove my breasts. Yes, bilateral -- both. I don't want to take a chance for this stuff to come back and take the other at a later time. I don't trust it. But it's also my choice. This may not work for others, but this is my body and that's what I want at this point.
Either way, my day was remarkable. It could have gone the other direction but it didn't. For this, I am eternally grateful!
For all that have been there and are supporting me, I thank you! Your continued prayers are always welcomed. I will sleep much better tonight oddly enough. I am blessed. I have the best and greatest family and friends!
Oh, yeah..............My cup's still half full believe it or not! WWWWHHHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Happy Tuesday
Amazing three days. I feel very fortunate. I'm keeping myself very busy and going about my regular life.
I'm in the process of learning to meditate which is helping with the anxiety of all that is occurring. I'm also learning a lot more about my spirituality. I have a lot to learn and beginning to accept certain realities much better. It's such a process and I do believe that everyone has their own way of getting to their goals/destinations, etc. Mine, seems to be this journey. I am truly a "newby" and willing to continue to learn. That's all I can ask for at this point.
Today, I've been trying to keep negative thoughts from coming into play. So far so good. A person can "what if...." themselves to death. I should know, I used to do it all the time. It's amazing I could function at times when something would way heavy in my heart/mind. Perhaps, now with this new road, I will finally begin to open up to more and new exciting adventures without hesitation. Supposedly, that's what I'm going to learn -- Okey-dokey! Perhaps, I will become a "softer" person through all this. Not in the sense of laying over and letting everything take me over, but more on the level of understanding, compassion, MERCY.
May sound a bit "heady" to some -- you're right. Pretty heady if you ask me, but I can't help go there now. I have to do this in order to start to understand better. I want to pass this fear. Like I said the other day, I don't want to be apart of this new found sorority of sorts. Well, guess what? I'm apart of it good, bad or indifferent. I'm learning also about the control aspect of my life. I truly have to reconfigure all of it. I have to be able not to just talk the talk, but I have to really walk this walk. I must let it all go -- not in a bad way, but truly understand the chips have fallen where they may and now it's time to rebuild myself back up and become healthier than I've ever been before -- emotionally and physically. Wish me luck. I am going to continue to find the laughter. That makes me feel so good inside. I will conitnue to find new peace of mind. That, too, makes me feel so secure.
Tomorrow morning is big day for me and my family. I find out the results of the PET Scan test. You want to know what "surreal" is? I have the lab results currently in my office SEALED for the doctor and I am not to open it till my exam tomorrow (with the oncologist). How's that for weird? I had to put it away yesterday so I wouldn't focus on the results. Yes, they are there waiting, patiently, I might add -- to be read. Once again: It's all determined. I must have positive thoughts. Must keep it clear and positive. I shall open myself up to more love so this intruder doesn't have an opportunity to take more. I guess I have to fill myself up with so much LOVE that there is NO room for it. That is making more sense to me each day. I had to change my mind about this "fight." That's the first thing we all want to do. Of course, I want to fight. But I must do it with LOVE, GRACE, and DIGNITY.
I continue to move forward at a steady rate and will go the distance and seek out all the greatest medical care I can. In the words of a new friend, "Breathe in the air of LIFE." That makes sense to me.
I encourage all of you to do the same: Breathe in the air of life. It feels pretty good; doesn't it? YEAH!!!!
Now, I'm going to turn on some head-thumping music and enjoy my dogs! It's 79 degrees out! WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!
Oh, yeah, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
I'm in the process of learning to meditate which is helping with the anxiety of all that is occurring. I'm also learning a lot more about my spirituality. I have a lot to learn and beginning to accept certain realities much better. It's such a process and I do believe that everyone has their own way of getting to their goals/destinations, etc. Mine, seems to be this journey. I am truly a "newby" and willing to continue to learn. That's all I can ask for at this point.
Today, I've been trying to keep negative thoughts from coming into play. So far so good. A person can "what if...." themselves to death. I should know, I used to do it all the time. It's amazing I could function at times when something would way heavy in my heart/mind. Perhaps, now with this new road, I will finally begin to open up to more and new exciting adventures without hesitation. Supposedly, that's what I'm going to learn -- Okey-dokey! Perhaps, I will become a "softer" person through all this. Not in the sense of laying over and letting everything take me over, but more on the level of understanding, compassion, MERCY.
May sound a bit "heady" to some -- you're right. Pretty heady if you ask me, but I can't help go there now. I have to do this in order to start to understand better. I want to pass this fear. Like I said the other day, I don't want to be apart of this new found sorority of sorts. Well, guess what? I'm apart of it good, bad or indifferent. I'm learning also about the control aspect of my life. I truly have to reconfigure all of it. I have to be able not to just talk the talk, but I have to really walk this walk. I must let it all go -- not in a bad way, but truly understand the chips have fallen where they may and now it's time to rebuild myself back up and become healthier than I've ever been before -- emotionally and physically. Wish me luck. I am going to continue to find the laughter. That makes me feel so good inside. I will conitnue to find new peace of mind. That, too, makes me feel so secure.
Tomorrow morning is big day for me and my family. I find out the results of the PET Scan test. You want to know what "surreal" is? I have the lab results currently in my office SEALED for the doctor and I am not to open it till my exam tomorrow (with the oncologist). How's that for weird? I had to put it away yesterday so I wouldn't focus on the results. Yes, they are there waiting, patiently, I might add -- to be read. Once again: It's all determined. I must have positive thoughts. Must keep it clear and positive. I shall open myself up to more love so this intruder doesn't have an opportunity to take more. I guess I have to fill myself up with so much LOVE that there is NO room for it. That is making more sense to me each day. I had to change my mind about this "fight." That's the first thing we all want to do. Of course, I want to fight. But I must do it with LOVE, GRACE, and DIGNITY.
I continue to move forward at a steady rate and will go the distance and seek out all the greatest medical care I can. In the words of a new friend, "Breathe in the air of LIFE." That makes sense to me.
I encourage all of you to do the same: Breathe in the air of life. It feels pretty good; doesn't it? YEAH!!!!
Now, I'm going to turn on some head-thumping music and enjoy my dogs! It's 79 degrees out! WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!
Oh, yeah, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Happy Sunday
Ok. I'm 2 for 2 meaning 2 great days in a row. Many blessings come out of really bad situations. At least that is what I believe. I had an opportunity today to reconnect with my brother. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say WE ARE ON THE MEND. Blessings big time. He had us over to his home today. He and his girlfriend, Denise were so amazingly welcoming and full of fun. I even told them I thought they were a couple of "freaks." They laughed a lot which made me laugh and the contagious antics happened. We talked effortlessly, enjoyed the horses and then had a blast on the ATVs. Wow! What a blast. I'm not the greatest of riders, but I had my moments. It was so freeing and fun. I felt like a kid. My posture on the ATV was rather hilarious. I was trying to get aerodynamic with my head low over the bars and my butt sticking out. What a vision? Right? Well, if you end up in psychotherapy because of that vision, so sad for you! LOL!
Either way, it was a wonderful day. Blessings all around. Once again, my Cup's Half Full. Peace out!
Either way, it was a wonderful day. Blessings all around. Once again, my Cup's Half Full. Peace out!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Happy Saturday!
What a great day. Maybe this is because I slept completely through the night. Maybe my new found way to meditate is helping. I'm just a beginner -- mind you -- but maybe....Ever since yesterday, I have been getting stronger in my mind to try to have my LIFE back even if it might be temporary till I get my final results this next Wednesday, March 30. Either way, Jim, Ashley and I are on hiatus from the deep discussions. Trying to have a sense of routine I'm finding is so important. I must say, even though I had a setback on Wednesday night, I feel there were so many lessons that were learned. I learned I'm not ready to take on a group activity with other cancer survivors just yet; I am not going to absorb someone else's pain or anguish or genuine angst; I am only surrounding myself with love, patience, positivity, BALANCE; I am being more genuine -- which has been needed for a long time -- at a very deep level; I am taking back my life NO MATTER WHAT. See there were many blessings and lessons learned from the other night. So with that.........
Jim and I had a blast last night at one of our weekly dates. It wasn't anything spectacular -- but we made it awesome by being together, giggling, talking about food, people watching, appreciating how hard all the servers at Yard House in Temecula were working. They were working their cute little butts off! Way to go crew! We didn't talk about anything to do with cancer. We just were us. How great is that? For me, it was such joy. True 100% JOY. I've been teased in the past by others that think it's funny that I like the simple things in life. Well, now is one of those major times that simple is the way to go! I LIKE IT LIKE THAT as the song goes. It rings true now. I had a very scrumptuous meal of salad with a vinaigrette that was to die for; and a couple crab cakes. I was so happy. Those of you who know me and my food appreciation know I was humming to myself as I ate this DEE-LISH meal. My appetite hasn't been the best recently because of anxiety, so this was so nice to enjoy fresh, clean flavors. After our date, we simply came home and cuddled, made popcorn and played with the dogs and watched some mindless TV.
I really like baths -- I soak and surround myself with some good scents. I tried to meditate -- seemed to work. Maybe it's not the safest thing to do especially if I end up accidentally falling asleep, but it seemed to work. I felt so relaxed, but mindful of surroundings. It was about 5 - 6 minutes, but it's a start. For those of you out there that meditate, is this a bad idea? It just felt comfortable and seemed right. I hope you don't end up reading about me drowning because I was trying to relax -- that would be just wrong; wouldn't it? Yes, if you don't know by now, I'm a dork! Or some would say: Dingy -- whatever!!!! Either way, I am going to try different areas to meditate. I will be transforming my small bedroom into a little nest of sorts for meditating and yoga. I am going to sew up some pillows, get my candles in order and maybe put a little tiny water feature in there. I have some beautiful blow up "original" photos of specific areas in the Abruzzo region that I took with my camera while I lived there this past summer that I think would really be a beautiful addition t othe wall in there. I'm going to give it a try. What the heck.
So moving into Saturday.... I got to go and volunteer at the Animal Friends of the Valley animal shelter. I just love going there and helping out. Today I got to help adopt at least 3 dogs. One of which was a big guy and he as well as the others deserved to find a forever home. Talk about a sweet victory.
One adoption, in particular, made my heart swell for this little lady. She recently lost her husband of 64 years! That's such a lifetime of commitment; she also had to put down her old chocolate lab who was, I think, 14 years old. She was brought to the shelter by her son and daughter-in-law. What a nice family. They were so supportive of her needs. Well, I saw her looking at this little maltese cross I had been loving on. I asked her if she would like to meet her. The little lady said, "Oh, Yes." I opened the door of the kennel room. In it was a chair for her to sit on. So she sat there waiting -- my God she was so sweet. Her eyes just lit up. Then I placed the little dog on her lap. This little jewel of a dog nestled ever so gently into her lap leaning up again her as if this had been her "assumed position" always. The little lady started to talk with her and pet her. So what does the dog do? Oh, yeah, she's no fool -- she looked up at the little lady and licked her ever so gently. I thought the little lady would melt right then and there. I know I was. I got chills and my heart just swelled. Right then and there -- SOLD! Of course, I got choked up a bit. I never do, but for some reason, this little lady needed this love. Can you imagine losing someone after 64 years? It's longer than you ever lived with your parents. It's longer than some people live. I was moved. So after this initial love fest, she placed the dog down to see what she would do. Well, little miss smarty pants jumped right back up onto her lap. Way cool. I suggested then that the rest of her family come in and be introduced properly. They were so cute and excited for their mom. She found a companion. That's what this is all about. That's what's giving me joy. Once again, the simple things. It's working....... Then I had to go back and start picking up poop........LOL. How appropriate, right? LOL
Oh, well, someone has to do it; right?
Tonight, I'm going to hang with all the dogs at the house: Woody, Chewy,Choli and Chancho. Choli and Chancho are pugs that belong to my daughter Ashley and her boyfriend, Patrick. They are over for a few hours. I'm going to knit this new pattern I'm working on and going to watch yet another mindless movie. The weather is still not so great, but next week it's going to go back to the 70's and possibly into the 80's. I am going to continue to plant my new plants for my backyard. I actually got to plant a lemon tree and a lime tree last week. How cool is that? We couldn't plant these up in Northern California where we resided.
Still, my cup's half full.........Phew!
PS. I keep on forgetting to publicly THANK each and everyone who has been writing me, calling me, texting me, skyping with me from all over the world. I am eternally grateful to have you in my life. I can never repay you but I will love you all for a lifetime. SWAK (for those of you who don't know what that means: Sealed With A Kiss)
Jim and I had a blast last night at one of our weekly dates. It wasn't anything spectacular -- but we made it awesome by being together, giggling, talking about food, people watching, appreciating how hard all the servers at Yard House in Temecula were working. They were working their cute little butts off! Way to go crew! We didn't talk about anything to do with cancer. We just were us. How great is that? For me, it was such joy. True 100% JOY. I've been teased in the past by others that think it's funny that I like the simple things in life. Well, now is one of those major times that simple is the way to go! I LIKE IT LIKE THAT as the song goes. It rings true now. I had a very scrumptuous meal of salad with a vinaigrette that was to die for; and a couple crab cakes. I was so happy. Those of you who know me and my food appreciation know I was humming to myself as I ate this DEE-LISH meal. My appetite hasn't been the best recently because of anxiety, so this was so nice to enjoy fresh, clean flavors. After our date, we simply came home and cuddled, made popcorn and played with the dogs and watched some mindless TV.
I really like baths -- I soak and surround myself with some good scents. I tried to meditate -- seemed to work. Maybe it's not the safest thing to do especially if I end up accidentally falling asleep, but it seemed to work. I felt so relaxed, but mindful of surroundings. It was about 5 - 6 minutes, but it's a start. For those of you out there that meditate, is this a bad idea? It just felt comfortable and seemed right. I hope you don't end up reading about me drowning because I was trying to relax -- that would be just wrong; wouldn't it? Yes, if you don't know by now, I'm a dork! Or some would say: Dingy -- whatever!!!! Either way, I am going to try different areas to meditate. I will be transforming my small bedroom into a little nest of sorts for meditating and yoga. I am going to sew up some pillows, get my candles in order and maybe put a little tiny water feature in there. I have some beautiful blow up "original" photos of specific areas in the Abruzzo region that I took with my camera while I lived there this past summer that I think would really be a beautiful addition t othe wall in there. I'm going to give it a try. What the heck.
So moving into Saturday.... I got to go and volunteer at the Animal Friends of the Valley animal shelter. I just love going there and helping out. Today I got to help adopt at least 3 dogs. One of which was a big guy and he as well as the others deserved to find a forever home. Talk about a sweet victory.
One adoption, in particular, made my heart swell for this little lady. She recently lost her husband of 64 years! That's such a lifetime of commitment; she also had to put down her old chocolate lab who was, I think, 14 years old. She was brought to the shelter by her son and daughter-in-law. What a nice family. They were so supportive of her needs. Well, I saw her looking at this little maltese cross I had been loving on. I asked her if she would like to meet her. The little lady said, "Oh, Yes." I opened the door of the kennel room. In it was a chair for her to sit on. So she sat there waiting -- my God she was so sweet. Her eyes just lit up. Then I placed the little dog on her lap. This little jewel of a dog nestled ever so gently into her lap leaning up again her as if this had been her "assumed position" always. The little lady started to talk with her and pet her. So what does the dog do? Oh, yeah, she's no fool -- she looked up at the little lady and licked her ever so gently. I thought the little lady would melt right then and there. I know I was. I got chills and my heart just swelled. Right then and there -- SOLD! Of course, I got choked up a bit. I never do, but for some reason, this little lady needed this love. Can you imagine losing someone after 64 years? It's longer than you ever lived with your parents. It's longer than some people live. I was moved. So after this initial love fest, she placed the dog down to see what she would do. Well, little miss smarty pants jumped right back up onto her lap. Way cool. I suggested then that the rest of her family come in and be introduced properly. They were so cute and excited for their mom. She found a companion. That's what this is all about. That's what's giving me joy. Once again, the simple things. It's working....... Then I had to go back and start picking up poop........LOL. How appropriate, right? LOL
Oh, well, someone has to do it; right?
Tonight, I'm going to hang with all the dogs at the house: Woody, Chewy,Choli and Chancho. Choli and Chancho are pugs that belong to my daughter Ashley and her boyfriend, Patrick. They are over for a few hours. I'm going to knit this new pattern I'm working on and going to watch yet another mindless movie. The weather is still not so great, but next week it's going to go back to the 70's and possibly into the 80's. I am going to continue to plant my new plants for my backyard. I actually got to plant a lemon tree and a lime tree last week. How cool is that? We couldn't plant these up in Northern California where we resided.
Still, my cup's half full.........Phew!
PS. I keep on forgetting to publicly THANK each and everyone who has been writing me, calling me, texting me, skyping with me from all over the world. I am eternally grateful to have you in my life. I can never repay you but I will love you all for a lifetime. SWAK (for those of you who don't know what that means: Sealed With A Kiss)
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