This morning at 9am I began my new walk of life. I began my chemo treatment at Scripp's Medical Center in the office of Dr. Joel Bernstein. While driving down to La Jolla (it took us only 1 hr) I was pretty calm overall. I am so ready for this as much as any one person can be. I just feel in my heart of hearts that it's time to get this show on the road and get this intruder out of me. I have felt this from the get-go that I WANT IT OUT OF ME. But in order to get to this point, we all now know that it's a discovery process. So here we go. First off, I think I should go over my schedule as to how this is going to happen.
I will have a treatment once every 3 weeks. I will have a total of 6 treatments. I have an END date as well. Thursday, July 21, 2011 will be my final treatment with Chemo! EEEEHHHHHAAAA.
All my appointments are scheduled for Thursday mornings at 10:30am. That gives Jim and I time to drive down to La Jolla without the commuter traffic being present. Each appointment will last approx. 2.5 hrs. So I can bring my knitting, lap top, music, reading, etc. Anything to make me feel at ease.
It sure was a process to begn this treatment, but my amazing, knowledgeable nurse, Regan, (REE-GAN) is the quintescential nurse of knowledge. She knows ALL the ins and outs of each and every drug that I am being administered through my new handy-dandy port. It did not hurt when she make the connection from the skin side to connect my IV unit. The needle was a short rather stubby needle, but no fear, Regan make it look effortless. I cannot tell you how many meds I was administered. I think about 8 total. There was the first anti nausea pill. Next time I will have it injected into the IV. The only thing I did not like was being administered Benedryl -- yes, it relaxed me because it's an antihistamine, but it stays in my body and makes me feel wrung out. There was a tricky chemo drug that was the last one administered that had the potential for me to have severe "sensitivities" with and I sailed right through it as though nothing had been placed in me. PHEWWW!!! She was in and out of my room because my IV drip had a timer on it and would make the special beep noise that her ear is atuned to.
By the way, my room was very cozy and set there specifically for me. So I could have up to 3 other people in there if I needed to. There were these cute knitted and/or crochet hat that some lovely ladies/men had donated from local organizations -- free of charge. Pillows and afgans were there as well. All very clean and neatly folded. A lot of magazines that were up-to-date. Nothing from the early 2000's. Very kind. Like I stated earlier I brought a few things that made me feel safe and secure and loved. There is a special crystal type heart-shaped rock that was given to me by a dear, sweet, loving woman up in Oregon. And I know it was given with pure love for me. So that was in my palm to help me along when I got a little teary when I was explaining to my nurse how life has changed and how I'm coping, etc. So thank you, Brenda! I love you and your family -- more than you ever realized. I will always treasure this gift from you all.
Anyway, it was quite the process, but it was very calm. Regan explained everything in great detail as to what was happening at all times. We talked so much about what I may or may not experience. One thing for sure though, because of the type of drugs I'm being administered, I will be as bald as a cue-ball! Can you imagine? I can't but oh, well, it's going to happen. So I plan to make the best of it. Not sure if wigs are for me, but it could get interesting and rather fun. How about roll playing? HMMMMM! LOL. I see myself as more of the hat person, possibly scarf person. We'll see. Not ruling out just yet. But it's going to be pretty hot here this summer so I may get a wig for when I may want to be a little more discreet at a restaurant. But then again, why not just be who I am and show all that I don't need to hide. I am not this disease dammit! So that's what I'm debating about back and forth. I have to giggle to myself though -- I simply cannot fathom me bald. And let me jus say this: There are other areas that will be bald as well..........I'm calling it the Nuclear Brazilian!!!! How about them apples? LOL!!!! For those of you are a little shy, hey, it's life and this is what it is. Get over it. I have to. I have to live with this.....Dear GAWD.
Supposedley, I will not experience the vomiting episodes I have been so dreading. Thank you God. I will be taking anti-nausea meds possibly beginning tomorrow. I had a big shot placed inside my IV before I left. I had quite a dose today. As we progress further into this, I will have my treatment more tweaked to my specific needs and what works for my body and cancer. So glad. Each time I had new medicine administered, I could not feel it. No, there was NO burning, no nothing in my case. I have a lot of stuff to remember and once again, note taking is essential. But if I forget anything or didn't get the questions answered, they are a phone call way and I was encouraged to call. Definitely don't silently suffer. I must be very proactive with any and all side effects.
Oh, the great news: I can hug! I can HUG!!!!! I just can't hug anyone who thinks they may be coming down with a cold, etc. They kept on encouraging me to be as "normal" as possible. I know, I know, I'm NOT normal, but I think you catch my drift. I may have days that I'm pretty fatigued, etc, but I need to work through a lot of the lighter fatigue. I am shooting for 150 minutes a week of exercise at least. That means 30 minutes daily of walking or doing whatever I want at the gym within REASON. No I'm not to do power lifting and over-achieving with the aerobics, but I can sweat and do my thing. This will help me emotionally and physically, keeping all those good cells getting stronger and stronger. Thank goodness I have the time to only deal with what I have in front of me. I can't help but empathize with anyone who has growing children and going through this. Also, thank GOD for great insurance. Imagnine trying to go through this without the proper insurance. How much longer it takes and what kind of medical care does one get? It makes me sick to my stomach thinking other aren't getting what I'm getting. I am blessed truly.
While I'm on the subject, I'm going to suggest to anyone out there that not only get a mammogram, but if you suspect there is any other lump, bump, anything in your breasts -- young and older -- tell your doctor you WANT an ultrasound. The ultrasound can find the lumps! You must do this for yourself. Please do this for yourself. Insist and don't put your head in the sand. Insist. Ok. I'm done.
So I'm home and doing really well. I could possibly begin to have some side affects beginning by Sunday or Monday with possible body aches -- something similar to flu-like symptons. I have "meds" to take if this begins. Meds, meds, meds. Good, bad, ugly. But, hey, as long as I'm eating little meals and staying ahead of certain issues that may crop up, I should be good to go. At least this is my truth currently. I have to continue to take this anti-inflammatory tonight and tomorrow. It makes me very wide awake and very clear minded. Almost like the movie I just saw: Limitless. I enjoyed this movie. Anyway, I think that I will have to take a sleeping aid to help me go to sleep because I MUST concerve my energy. But I'm eating clean foods and nothing that's spicy or over flavored. My nurse told me to eat whatever I want and when I want. The days of lots of food on the plate are done. Mini meals whenever and I will do this because I don't want to experience some effects that I can avoid. But we'll see.
Oh, this third drug that was administered to me has a nasty side affect that I cannot avoid unfortunately. That is I will be experiencing water rention in my hands, feet and possibly face (of course) and could gain between 5-10 lbs. I have just lost 14 lbs and now I will go balloon back up. Cruel and NOT FAIR. I know, life isn't, but I still have to let it out. However, the good news is as soon as chemo stops, the water will go away! I will lose it very easily as I was told today. By they way, all those years of me struggling with my weight was due to my CANCER. My estrogen dominance and the fact of the inflammation of my tissues. Oh, yeah, I want the explitives to flow, but we all know what they are. ARRRRGGGHHHH. This is why I am enjoying this blog because I can let it out here and get it out of my mind and body. It will not help me to keep this locked in.
And, yes, there are other side affects that can happen, but I will spare you all the details. Suffice it to say, I will be busily trying to be balanced and smart about what goes into my body -- food, that is. Organics!
I miss Humboldt County's excellent organics and availability of great products; but I still have found some reliable resources down here. I'm learning about where to find them.
Ok. So that is it for now. I must go have a little meal now and take some pills. Sound like a good time. If all goes well, I will be going to volunteer tomorrow for a couple hours at the animal shelter. I feel so lucky to be here. I thank you one and all again for your concern, good wishes and out-pouring of love.
Yes, you best, and my cup's half full!
Ciao
Friday, April 8, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
So it begins
A lot has happened in the last 36 hours. I have a short period of time to write so I'll do my best to catch up on the latest.
I had an appointment yesterday, Wednesday, March 6, with my first oncologist. I have to say, I was very relaxed, calm and very "present." I have my expandable folder with me now at all my appointments. For those of you who don't know, it's imperative you bring your medical records with you to each and every single appointment you attend. I don't care how casual it might be, you must bring your stuff with you because there is simply no way to remember all that has happened and all the doc appointments, x-rays, MRI's, biopsies, blood draws, etc that have occurred since the beginning of this process. Then when the question is asked about your a copy of your pathology or do you have previous blood orders, etc, you can have it there and you won't have to try to remember to follow-up with getting that info back to the previous doctor you had just seen -- that is, if you can REMEMBER who you saw............Catch my drift? Confusing. You bet! And it happens way too quickly. So my point is, it's a NO BRAINER to have this with you. So thank goodness I had my stuff with me cuz I needed to provide my doc with other insurance information that would have taken me a bit to find had I not had it with me already. TAH-DAH... Done.
Anyway, the long and the short of it was getting my "plan of attack" with regard to Chemo. Well, to my horror, the plan I thought I was going to have had been changed. Now, my oncologist wanted me to begin Chemo by having it once every 2 weeks! And doing this for 8 treatments! Wow! Wow! Wow! Needless, to say, I went into what I now lovingly call: Dear in Headlight Zone. I was simply not on that same page. I asked if my tumors shrink in a very positive manner by responding very well to this "dense dose", would I have the opportunity to have maybe 6 treatments rather than 8. And he simply said, "NO."
Now, understand, my doc was not being rude, unempathetic, unsupportive, etc. He wants to get the most results with a very aggressive approach for the type of cancer I have. I have to say, it took the wind out of my sails. I was hoping that there could be some flexibility.
But more importantly, I was extremely worried how my body would be able to recover after each treatment. How would I stay "afloat" so-to-speak. How could I possibly hold my head up and breath in an upright position after the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc treatments? I thought this is going to chew me up and spit me out even though I am willing to go for it. Crazy, eh? Well, YEAH! Due to the size of my tumors, I'm considered higher risk. Nice. Still hard for me to hear that, but it's the truth. No kidding about this cancer guys. No kidding at all. But my logic kept on coming back around asking me those same questions? There must be a compromise somehow. This is too scary and intense. Of course I want to erradicate this cancer, but there is like I stated above, a grey area that must be there for me to be able to switch up the treatment if I'm responding well.... I know I'm not the expert, I'm going off my of INTUITION; my GUT. Something is not setting well with this. Ok. So we move on to setting up the appointment to begin and then to meet up with the nurse who will administer the chemo. Very nice and professional nursing staff. Top notch. But I left there, like I said with the wind out of my sails. So for those of you who heard from me via texting, I was rather robotic about it trying to put a positive light to it; but I also knew that today, Thursday, April 7, I would be meeting a 2nd oncologist for his opinion on my case. Also, to back up a bit, my 1st oncologist knew I would be meeting with this 2nd oncologist for my own "piece of mind." It was so nice to hear from my 1st oncologist that he supports whatever I decide -- that this treatment is purely about what is the best thing for me. I truly respect this doctor. He and his staff are amazing; but he's correct -- we, as patients, MUST do what is BEST for us and no one else. I think my problems in the past with docs was I never wanted to rock the boat. Well, that's gone out the window now. I must make a well-informed and well-educated decision that will affect me the rest of my life. Literally.
So today rolls around and Jim and I drove down to Scripps to meet Dr. Joel Bernstein. He on the 4th floor; my surgeon on the 6th floor. I had a follow-up appointment with Hyde for my post-op regarding my placement of the port in my chest.
In walks Dr. B and right away there is chemistry. What a gentle but strong spirit. Wow, what a presence. Right away he makes me feel so welcomed and relaxed. Funny thing, my BP was so low, I couldn't believe it. I wasn't all stressed out like I have been recently. That white coat syndrome has been alive and well with me lately! In the office I was at, he had some statues and stuffed animal head of BLACK LABS.........Well, well, well..... the man is a black lab lover like I am, so right there that was an ice-breaker big time. We had banter back and forth about the love for our guys, etc. Then we dove right into the matter at hand. He had his way of delivery for dealing with my overall medical history up to this point -- how did I come to be here -- with this cancer, with my life, with my family, etc. Once again, the whole mind, body, spirit -- loving this.
He found out I was already well-informed about what is going on with my cancer and that I have some specific goals I'm going to reach -- bilateral masectomy for one -- which he was rather surprised by, but not in a bad "oh, you can't possibly think that just yet" scenario. When he looks at me, he is looking into my soul. He is present and paying attention to my words and then making his notes. His empathetic side was very much like Dr. Hyde's. He's listening but what a sense of respect for what I feel I want and need. It made my heart just fill.
Continuing on with the exam, he had to examine my breasts and left axillary (armpit area). I'm so used to stripping off from the waist up now, it's simply no big deal for me. It's what I also lovingly refer to : slam and dunk time. I know, I have a beautiful way with words. LOL. Sorry I crack myself up sometimes. Sad to admit. Anyway.................. The good news was these aren't the largest tumors he's felt. He told me I wouldn't win any blue ribbons for their sizes. I had to laugh out loud on that one. Really did make me feel so much better! Crazy times, but it's the truth. But he is paying attention to their size. After the exam, back to the notepad and he made out his grid -- or plan of attack. Ok. for those of you who worked with me -- NO it wasn't any Matrix! You know what I'm talking about! Oh, the memories of the Matrix.... Yes, inside joke.
That's another story for another time if I need "material" for fill in.
His plan of attack is similar in that we hit this with chemo, we do the surgery, we possibly hit it with radiation and then we hit it with an estrogen blocker for at least 5 years. A lot of over simplification, but that's the root of it.
Now, he did say he did not agree with one of the chemo drugs that may have been used on me by my 1st oncologist. This particular drug is not the type of drug typically used for my type of cancer, so he wasn't sure what the reasoning behind it was -- he thinks it may be a mistake, but this 2nd doc knows all the up-to-date cutting edge drugs there are. He was not bad mouthing this other doc at all. He simply disagreed. He also wants 6 treatments and not 8 treatments; plus have treatments every 3 weeks rather than every 2.
He believes there is plenty of room for flexibility especially if you see major transformation/improvement in the tumor sizes or NON-improvement in the tumor sizes. He believes that we should be prepared to change up as we (meaning me too) see fit. I'm very much included in the decision process, which is what I need.
I'm not saying that I poo-poo each and every idea, because I'm NOT a doc, but I still have compelling questions that I want and need addressed. First and foremost, since I have been so healthy and active my entire life, I haven't taken barely any kind of med at all my entire life. I'm very drug sensitive. I have allergies to many drugs with the most recent one NOW being Lidocaine. During my biopsy, I had stated in an early blog my heart became very erradic and it became an "oh shit" moment for the doc doing the biopsy, but he kept his cool and wits about himself. Nothing occurred. It was superficial in nature and it passed, but I have to be very, very proactive in maintaining open communication with my docs and reminding them of my sensitivities. I'm very vocal about this. I don't want to be poisoned accidentally because I ommitted to let them know. And people are busy and have more than me as a patient, so I have to give gentle reminders of my issues. (ITH-YOUSSSSS). Inside joke for a few that know me.
So we laid our cards on the table and I was able to, without hesitation I might add, select this 2nd doctor, Dr. Joel Bernstein to be my oncologist. I am so satisfied and relieved with this decision. I have great relief with my decision to continue my care with this doc down at Scripps Medical Center. Yes, I have to drive 1 hour but had I lived up in Humboldt County still I would be driving at least 5.5 hours to SF for treatments. So it's worth it to me and to my family. After I let him know it was a GO for me, we had to get moving with different types of preventative measures so I could begin my chemo. Oh, yes, I'm beginning tomorrow morning at 9 am. Yes, it's fast, but not really. It's been almost a month ago that I found out I had cancer. So I must get moving now. Let's get this show on the road and let's make some progress in reducing these tumors. Let's be proactive. I have some prescriptions that I wlll have on hand for the just-in-case such as antibiotics, if I should become ill. When you're on Chemo, you can pick up viruses very easily; very susceptible to many things. I just have to be selective where I go and what I touch, and where I breathe. I will be mindful not to hug little children. Now, that is going to kill me. I'm a big hugger! That's my signature. I'm a hugger. I love people -- for the most part! LOL. It's in my blood to hug and love children. I love the little pea-buttons big time. So I hope all understand why I'm a bit distant. I can come up with the "shadow" hugging I've been seeing that schools have incorporated into their daily lives. In my case it will work and we can make it funny, lovable and happy; but inside I know I will ache for that part that is me as a greeting or as a good-bye. I thnk that's why I got along with so many in Italy, France and Russia -- they all air kiss cheeks while holding your hand. This too shall pass, right?
So once again, I'm asking for prayers, good energy and positive thoughts. I have been feeling the amazing love. I'm not just saying this. I actually FEEL the LOVE coming to me. It's a very special gift that is being given to me and I am so very open to this. I think that is why I'm so strong right now. I'm not a warrior. As you have read, I'm a human being with the ups and downs of this crazy path. Yes, I'm nervous. I'm wondering a lot of things about how its going to feel as it pulses through my veins; is it going to burn at all? Will I feel as it attacks?
Life has changed and it's changing everyday. The difference is I HAVE NO CONTROL. NONE. NO CONTROL. But I do actually -- I do get to make good choices. I get to do a lot of things still. But life is different. At least now I'm at the point where I am open to the change against my will factors. I still will ask those difficult questions. I am getting more educated daily. And I still am ME.
Please don't forget that. I AM ME. I still laugh loud and long; I still care about others and their daily lives, because life does move on. And thank GOD it does move forward. Life is a blessing. Not just the words. It is my blessing. I am very lucky and once again, I thank all of you for your constant support; I thank the love of my life, Jim. I thank my amazingly brilliant daughters, Ashley and Amy and I thank my extended family -- you all know who you are. WE may not be blood, but it doesn't matter. You are family to me always!
Yup, my cup's half full! Ciao, Ciao
I had an appointment yesterday, Wednesday, March 6, with my first oncologist. I have to say, I was very relaxed, calm and very "present." I have my expandable folder with me now at all my appointments. For those of you who don't know, it's imperative you bring your medical records with you to each and every single appointment you attend. I don't care how casual it might be, you must bring your stuff with you because there is simply no way to remember all that has happened and all the doc appointments, x-rays, MRI's, biopsies, blood draws, etc that have occurred since the beginning of this process. Then when the question is asked about your a copy of your pathology or do you have previous blood orders, etc, you can have it there and you won't have to try to remember to follow-up with getting that info back to the previous doctor you had just seen -- that is, if you can REMEMBER who you saw............Catch my drift? Confusing. You bet! And it happens way too quickly. So my point is, it's a NO BRAINER to have this with you. So thank goodness I had my stuff with me cuz I needed to provide my doc with other insurance information that would have taken me a bit to find had I not had it with me already. TAH-DAH... Done.
Anyway, the long and the short of it was getting my "plan of attack" with regard to Chemo. Well, to my horror, the plan I thought I was going to have had been changed. Now, my oncologist wanted me to begin Chemo by having it once every 2 weeks! And doing this for 8 treatments! Wow! Wow! Wow! Needless, to say, I went into what I now lovingly call: Dear in Headlight Zone. I was simply not on that same page. I asked if my tumors shrink in a very positive manner by responding very well to this "dense dose", would I have the opportunity to have maybe 6 treatments rather than 8. And he simply said, "NO."
Now, understand, my doc was not being rude, unempathetic, unsupportive, etc. He wants to get the most results with a very aggressive approach for the type of cancer I have. I have to say, it took the wind out of my sails. I was hoping that there could be some flexibility.
But more importantly, I was extremely worried how my body would be able to recover after each treatment. How would I stay "afloat" so-to-speak. How could I possibly hold my head up and breath in an upright position after the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc treatments? I thought this is going to chew me up and spit me out even though I am willing to go for it. Crazy, eh? Well, YEAH! Due to the size of my tumors, I'm considered higher risk. Nice. Still hard for me to hear that, but it's the truth. No kidding about this cancer guys. No kidding at all. But my logic kept on coming back around asking me those same questions? There must be a compromise somehow. This is too scary and intense. Of course I want to erradicate this cancer, but there is like I stated above, a grey area that must be there for me to be able to switch up the treatment if I'm responding well.... I know I'm not the expert, I'm going off my of INTUITION; my GUT. Something is not setting well with this. Ok. So we move on to setting up the appointment to begin and then to meet up with the nurse who will administer the chemo. Very nice and professional nursing staff. Top notch. But I left there, like I said with the wind out of my sails. So for those of you who heard from me via texting, I was rather robotic about it trying to put a positive light to it; but I also knew that today, Thursday, April 7, I would be meeting a 2nd oncologist for his opinion on my case. Also, to back up a bit, my 1st oncologist knew I would be meeting with this 2nd oncologist for my own "piece of mind." It was so nice to hear from my 1st oncologist that he supports whatever I decide -- that this treatment is purely about what is the best thing for me. I truly respect this doctor. He and his staff are amazing; but he's correct -- we, as patients, MUST do what is BEST for us and no one else. I think my problems in the past with docs was I never wanted to rock the boat. Well, that's gone out the window now. I must make a well-informed and well-educated decision that will affect me the rest of my life. Literally.
So today rolls around and Jim and I drove down to Scripps to meet Dr. Joel Bernstein. He on the 4th floor; my surgeon on the 6th floor. I had a follow-up appointment with Hyde for my post-op regarding my placement of the port in my chest.
In walks Dr. B and right away there is chemistry. What a gentle but strong spirit. Wow, what a presence. Right away he makes me feel so welcomed and relaxed. Funny thing, my BP was so low, I couldn't believe it. I wasn't all stressed out like I have been recently. That white coat syndrome has been alive and well with me lately! In the office I was at, he had some statues and stuffed animal head of BLACK LABS.........Well, well, well..... the man is a black lab lover like I am, so right there that was an ice-breaker big time. We had banter back and forth about the love for our guys, etc. Then we dove right into the matter at hand. He had his way of delivery for dealing with my overall medical history up to this point -- how did I come to be here -- with this cancer, with my life, with my family, etc. Once again, the whole mind, body, spirit -- loving this.
He found out I was already well-informed about what is going on with my cancer and that I have some specific goals I'm going to reach -- bilateral masectomy for one -- which he was rather surprised by, but not in a bad "oh, you can't possibly think that just yet" scenario. When he looks at me, he is looking into my soul. He is present and paying attention to my words and then making his notes. His empathetic side was very much like Dr. Hyde's. He's listening but what a sense of respect for what I feel I want and need. It made my heart just fill.
Continuing on with the exam, he had to examine my breasts and left axillary (armpit area). I'm so used to stripping off from the waist up now, it's simply no big deal for me. It's what I also lovingly refer to : slam and dunk time. I know, I have a beautiful way with words. LOL. Sorry I crack myself up sometimes. Sad to admit. Anyway.................. The good news was these aren't the largest tumors he's felt. He told me I wouldn't win any blue ribbons for their sizes. I had to laugh out loud on that one. Really did make me feel so much better! Crazy times, but it's the truth. But he is paying attention to their size. After the exam, back to the notepad and he made out his grid -- or plan of attack. Ok. for those of you who worked with me -- NO it wasn't any Matrix! You know what I'm talking about! Oh, the memories of the Matrix.... Yes, inside joke.
That's another story for another time if I need "material" for fill in.
His plan of attack is similar in that we hit this with chemo, we do the surgery, we possibly hit it with radiation and then we hit it with an estrogen blocker for at least 5 years. A lot of over simplification, but that's the root of it.
Now, he did say he did not agree with one of the chemo drugs that may have been used on me by my 1st oncologist. This particular drug is not the type of drug typically used for my type of cancer, so he wasn't sure what the reasoning behind it was -- he thinks it may be a mistake, but this 2nd doc knows all the up-to-date cutting edge drugs there are. He was not bad mouthing this other doc at all. He simply disagreed. He also wants 6 treatments and not 8 treatments; plus have treatments every 3 weeks rather than every 2.
He believes there is plenty of room for flexibility especially if you see major transformation/improvement in the tumor sizes or NON-improvement in the tumor sizes. He believes that we should be prepared to change up as we (meaning me too) see fit. I'm very much included in the decision process, which is what I need.
I'm not saying that I poo-poo each and every idea, because I'm NOT a doc, but I still have compelling questions that I want and need addressed. First and foremost, since I have been so healthy and active my entire life, I haven't taken barely any kind of med at all my entire life. I'm very drug sensitive. I have allergies to many drugs with the most recent one NOW being Lidocaine. During my biopsy, I had stated in an early blog my heart became very erradic and it became an "oh shit" moment for the doc doing the biopsy, but he kept his cool and wits about himself. Nothing occurred. It was superficial in nature and it passed, but I have to be very, very proactive in maintaining open communication with my docs and reminding them of my sensitivities. I'm very vocal about this. I don't want to be poisoned accidentally because I ommitted to let them know. And people are busy and have more than me as a patient, so I have to give gentle reminders of my issues. (ITH-YOUSSSSS). Inside joke for a few that know me.
So we laid our cards on the table and I was able to, without hesitation I might add, select this 2nd doctor, Dr. Joel Bernstein to be my oncologist. I am so satisfied and relieved with this decision. I have great relief with my decision to continue my care with this doc down at Scripps Medical Center. Yes, I have to drive 1 hour but had I lived up in Humboldt County still I would be driving at least 5.5 hours to SF for treatments. So it's worth it to me and to my family. After I let him know it was a GO for me, we had to get moving with different types of preventative measures so I could begin my chemo. Oh, yes, I'm beginning tomorrow morning at 9 am. Yes, it's fast, but not really. It's been almost a month ago that I found out I had cancer. So I must get moving now. Let's get this show on the road and let's make some progress in reducing these tumors. Let's be proactive. I have some prescriptions that I wlll have on hand for the just-in-case such as antibiotics, if I should become ill. When you're on Chemo, you can pick up viruses very easily; very susceptible to many things. I just have to be selective where I go and what I touch, and where I breathe. I will be mindful not to hug little children. Now, that is going to kill me. I'm a big hugger! That's my signature. I'm a hugger. I love people -- for the most part! LOL. It's in my blood to hug and love children. I love the little pea-buttons big time. So I hope all understand why I'm a bit distant. I can come up with the "shadow" hugging I've been seeing that schools have incorporated into their daily lives. In my case it will work and we can make it funny, lovable and happy; but inside I know I will ache for that part that is me as a greeting or as a good-bye. I thnk that's why I got along with so many in Italy, France and Russia -- they all air kiss cheeks while holding your hand. This too shall pass, right?
So once again, I'm asking for prayers, good energy and positive thoughts. I have been feeling the amazing love. I'm not just saying this. I actually FEEL the LOVE coming to me. It's a very special gift that is being given to me and I am so very open to this. I think that is why I'm so strong right now. I'm not a warrior. As you have read, I'm a human being with the ups and downs of this crazy path. Yes, I'm nervous. I'm wondering a lot of things about how its going to feel as it pulses through my veins; is it going to burn at all? Will I feel as it attacks?
Life has changed and it's changing everyday. The difference is I HAVE NO CONTROL. NONE. NO CONTROL. But I do actually -- I do get to make good choices. I get to do a lot of things still. But life is different. At least now I'm at the point where I am open to the change against my will factors. I still will ask those difficult questions. I am getting more educated daily. And I still am ME.
Please don't forget that. I AM ME. I still laugh loud and long; I still care about others and their daily lives, because life does move on. And thank GOD it does move forward. Life is a blessing. Not just the words. It is my blessing. I am very lucky and once again, I thank all of you for your constant support; I thank the love of my life, Jim. I thank my amazingly brilliant daughters, Ashley and Amy and I thank my extended family -- you all know who you are. WE may not be blood, but it doesn't matter. You are family to me always!
Yup, my cup's half full! Ciao, Ciao
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Oh, to be ME
Not really sure how to begin this particular one -- blog, that is. I've purposefully have stayed away from this site. I've needed to. I realize I have been pretty much an open book, which is so unusual for me to be. I'm very private. Yes, I'm social -- at least I used to be especially during my work days -- but my private time was just that -- PRIVATE. So here I am, now with breast cancer -- which by the way, I'm not wanting to be DEFINED by this...........That has become very apparent to me. Perhaps I'm seeing myself for the first time in a very vulnerable light. Perhaps I don't like this light. But then again, I don't have a choice, now do I?
Either way, I have committed to this process because, frankly, it's very cathartic for me to put it down -- to write this -- to purge this SHHHHHTTTTTTUUUFFFF out of me. I feel that if I don't then the intruder wins to a degree. My scared emotions or feelings I have give IT a life of it's own and I don't want that to be. If it would help my situation, I would have a full on tantrum with the kicking, screaming, carrying on yelling and breaking of anything in my pathway -- but I know that's not going to help me -- it's really a lot of wasted energy -- energy I MUST bank on since my chemo is literally just around the corner. Oh, my GAWD, how I wish I could avoid this. Well, I guess I could if I want to DIE. That's not an option right now for me -- God willing. I know some people have chosen to do the holistic way and not to do chemo, which is good for them; but in my heart of hearts, mine is unavoidable. I know I have to walk this road as long and daunting as it seems to be for me. Oh yeah, and it's hilly, too! I think about it in terms when I was in Civita D'Antino, I had to walk up this walkway that didn't visually seem to be steep -- but once you got up to that walkway, oh, dear GAWD, it was steep -- I would look at the cobbled stone stairway and say to myself, "Ok, one at a time -- hope my lungs don't burst -- one at a time." I would finally arrive at the Porta Flora (doorway) and gasp for a big breath of air each and everytime. And I kid you not, it was every single time Iwalked that stairway. It did eventually get easier, but I still gasped for air each and everytime I would pass that Porta Flora. I would go up and down that area at least 3 times a day every day I was there. I would even laugh out loud once I got past the Porta Flora because I imagined myself gasping as I made the "trek". Like some right of passage several times in a day. So with that, I guess that's how I'm looking at this chemo challenge.
It's going to be hilly -- one step at a time -- I hope my lungs don't burst -- one step at a time!
Really, the last couple days have been pretty normal except for the fact I'm still healing from the port being placed into my chest area -- on the right side -- coming from my right underarm area. It's very clean. It just feels tight. They must have positioned my arm above my head because I'm pretty sore and stiff. But I'm healing up beautifully. My beautiful nurse neighbor across the street from my house has made it abundantly clear that she can be there for me to take vitals and fix me up as needed. She's such an angel from heaven. What a doll. I feel so lucky to be here. I thank my God everyday for this.
It's very strange to me how one moment I'm seemingly very normal -- great energy, happy-go-lucky, playing around with the dogs, doing my thing in the house, bill paying, grocery shopping, knitting, you know, the regular stuff of life -- and then get a simple phone call as a reminder that I have this appointment tomorrow with my oncologist and he wants me to start Chemo. Wow, rubberband effect happening. Makes my head swim. But I can't start chemo cuz I have to go to a followup appointment with my surgeon then meet another oncologist to make sure my plan of attack is the right one for me. Which by the way, we should all make sure and double sure this is the correct plan so as there are NO doubts. Either way, I'm in great hands. I know this to be true. There isn't a waiver of doubt at all. I feel so lucky to have the team I have supporting me. It's simply humbling. I keep on reflecting on all the people I've met through this whole nightmare. But the people themselves are not the nightmare. They are amazing gifts~ they are my gifts. How can this be? There are reasons beyond my own reasoning and I am understanding it better and better each day.
So tonight, my dear hubby and I had yet another beautifully clean, DEE-LISH meal. He cleaned up and I ushered myself into the tub. My tub has become my refuge! I love that thing. I got in the habit of "tub time" years ago after a minor car accident -- back in 1986. The tub relaxed my muscles. So with that, I have continued onward ever since. Anyway, I had my time alone, and without provocation or warning I found myself in the throws of tears. Not tears of "poor me" but rather I don't get this disease. How did I end up here? What lesson am I supposed to learn? I guess this chemo is really going to happen..........OH, yes, it's very real. It's gunna happen all right. That's the thing about all this change -- there is no hiding. I can't climb to the top of a mountain trying to run away from it; I can't crawl underneath a rock to hide; I can't hide in bed with my covers over my head; I can't run from this. Oh, how I wish I could. I really wish, but it would only make things worse. I do want to erradicate this cancer growing inside me. I don't want it to spread; I want to get my life back. I am now realizing even more that my life truly has changed forever. But I believe in my heart, I will come back better and stronger. Life never ceases to amaze me. All the winding corners of the road. Step at a time. I thought I could do day at a time. Nope, it's step at a time for now. I can live with that. It's a good thing. Tomorrow will be another adventure. So we'll see what happens. It's supposed to be still nice weather so I hope to capitalize on that one. Will take the dogs for a run in the field and then I plan on doing whatever.........I'll know once I decide. I am very, very lucky. I am so very blessed to have my life. I guess my cup's still half full! Ciao, Ciao
Either way, I have committed to this process because, frankly, it's very cathartic for me to put it down -- to write this -- to purge this SHHHHHTTTTTTUUUFFFF out of me. I feel that if I don't then the intruder wins to a degree. My scared emotions or feelings I have give IT a life of it's own and I don't want that to be. If it would help my situation, I would have a full on tantrum with the kicking, screaming, carrying on yelling and breaking of anything in my pathway -- but I know that's not going to help me -- it's really a lot of wasted energy -- energy I MUST bank on since my chemo is literally just around the corner. Oh, my GAWD, how I wish I could avoid this. Well, I guess I could if I want to DIE. That's not an option right now for me -- God willing. I know some people have chosen to do the holistic way and not to do chemo, which is good for them; but in my heart of hearts, mine is unavoidable. I know I have to walk this road as long and daunting as it seems to be for me. Oh yeah, and it's hilly, too! I think about it in terms when I was in Civita D'Antino, I had to walk up this walkway that didn't visually seem to be steep -- but once you got up to that walkway, oh, dear GAWD, it was steep -- I would look at the cobbled stone stairway and say to myself, "Ok, one at a time -- hope my lungs don't burst -- one at a time." I would finally arrive at the Porta Flora (doorway) and gasp for a big breath of air each and everytime. And I kid you not, it was every single time Iwalked that stairway. It did eventually get easier, but I still gasped for air each and everytime I would pass that Porta Flora. I would go up and down that area at least 3 times a day every day I was there. I would even laugh out loud once I got past the Porta Flora because I imagined myself gasping as I made the "trek". Like some right of passage several times in a day. So with that, I guess that's how I'm looking at this chemo challenge.
It's going to be hilly -- one step at a time -- I hope my lungs don't burst -- one step at a time!
Really, the last couple days have been pretty normal except for the fact I'm still healing from the port being placed into my chest area -- on the right side -- coming from my right underarm area. It's very clean. It just feels tight. They must have positioned my arm above my head because I'm pretty sore and stiff. But I'm healing up beautifully. My beautiful nurse neighbor across the street from my house has made it abundantly clear that she can be there for me to take vitals and fix me up as needed. She's such an angel from heaven. What a doll. I feel so lucky to be here. I thank my God everyday for this.
It's very strange to me how one moment I'm seemingly very normal -- great energy, happy-go-lucky, playing around with the dogs, doing my thing in the house, bill paying, grocery shopping, knitting, you know, the regular stuff of life -- and then get a simple phone call as a reminder that I have this appointment tomorrow with my oncologist and he wants me to start Chemo. Wow, rubberband effect happening. Makes my head swim. But I can't start chemo cuz I have to go to a followup appointment with my surgeon then meet another oncologist to make sure my plan of attack is the right one for me. Which by the way, we should all make sure and double sure this is the correct plan so as there are NO doubts. Either way, I'm in great hands. I know this to be true. There isn't a waiver of doubt at all. I feel so lucky to have the team I have supporting me. It's simply humbling. I keep on reflecting on all the people I've met through this whole nightmare. But the people themselves are not the nightmare. They are amazing gifts~ they are my gifts. How can this be? There are reasons beyond my own reasoning and I am understanding it better and better each day.
So tonight, my dear hubby and I had yet another beautifully clean, DEE-LISH meal. He cleaned up and I ushered myself into the tub. My tub has become my refuge! I love that thing. I got in the habit of "tub time" years ago after a minor car accident -- back in 1986. The tub relaxed my muscles. So with that, I have continued onward ever since. Anyway, I had my time alone, and without provocation or warning I found myself in the throws of tears. Not tears of "poor me" but rather I don't get this disease. How did I end up here? What lesson am I supposed to learn? I guess this chemo is really going to happen..........OH, yes, it's very real. It's gunna happen all right. That's the thing about all this change -- there is no hiding. I can't climb to the top of a mountain trying to run away from it; I can't crawl underneath a rock to hide; I can't hide in bed with my covers over my head; I can't run from this. Oh, how I wish I could. I really wish, but it would only make things worse. I do want to erradicate this cancer growing inside me. I don't want it to spread; I want to get my life back. I am now realizing even more that my life truly has changed forever. But I believe in my heart, I will come back better and stronger. Life never ceases to amaze me. All the winding corners of the road. Step at a time. I thought I could do day at a time. Nope, it's step at a time for now. I can live with that. It's a good thing. Tomorrow will be another adventure. So we'll see what happens. It's supposed to be still nice weather so I hope to capitalize on that one. Will take the dogs for a run in the field and then I plan on doing whatever.........I'll know once I decide. I am very, very lucky. I am so very blessed to have my life. I guess my cup's still half full! Ciao, Ciao
Saturday, April 2, 2011
HAD MINOR SURGERY
I went in yesterday at Scripp's Hospital for my surgery to have the port placed into my chest area. I had no idea what positions these ports are placed, but Thank goodness my doctor took into account the fact I could acquire a new scar, so he placed it in a manner where the scar will be in my underarm tissue on the right side and also placed it in a manner that won't affect my next surgery when we remove my breasts. What a fantastic team of nurses and doctors. My anesthesiologist was interesting and very professional and very kind. I sailed off very nicely, I might add. Before I knew it was I was awake again. My doctor came and checked in on me 3 times. I felt so taken care of. My nurse, Amy, was awesome. I will have a followup next week with Dr. Hyde and his oncologist. We are trying to get a good plan of chemo for me. They want to make sure all options are on the table for me that will work for my cancer and work for my body. You have to be very careful with amounts and types of chemo drugs. Certain drugs can have ramifications on other body parts. So we are being very proactive and mindful. The medicine and facilities are light years ahead of other facilities I've been to and feel very safe here.
My pain drugs have kicked in now so I better stop writing for now. I must behave myself and not do a thing, which is a challenge for me since I'm always in some kind of motion around my home and in life in general.
It's 70 degrees and I have my backdoor opened while my wind chimes are singing their song in the background. Love it. I'm very relaxed now. Till the next time when I have some additional information or comments.
Enjoy your weekend! Ciao, Ciao
My pain drugs have kicked in now so I better stop writing for now. I must behave myself and not do a thing, which is a challenge for me since I'm always in some kind of motion around my home and in life in general.
It's 70 degrees and I have my backdoor opened while my wind chimes are singing their song in the background. Love it. I'm very relaxed now. Till the next time when I have some additional information or comments.
Enjoy your weekend! Ciao, Ciao
Thursday, March 31, 2011
What a day!
As the title states: What a day. Yes, indeed, it was quite the day. I met my new surgeon, Dr. Paul Hyde.
OMG are the only words I can say! OH, MY GOD!!! I still cannot believe how I've landed here with these amazing doctors and amazing people that keep on coming into our lives. If it weren't for the nuclear medicine doctor making this high recommendation for me to contact Dr. Hyde, I would never have met this genius!
This man was voted the number #1 doctor in America by his medical community of peers for 2006-2007. With that said, he is not a premadonna. He came into my exam room, introduced himself and then proceeded to meet my "team:, Jim and Ash. Then he began with the basic questions as to how I landed here with him. I explained and then he went into a full-on exam of my chest and upper body area. What an exam. It was very thorough -- different, yet again. I am finding each doc "has their way of discovery." But this man did not treat me like a piece of meat or just another patient. From the beginning, he was empathetic, LISTENED -- completely present. Boy, did he interrogate. I let him know before he asked that I had never had a biopsy till recently, March 11, 2011. He wanted to know what the course of action had been up to meeting him. I told him I needed to have a port placed somewhere on my chest so I may begin Chemo. We told him what we knew up this point. Some doctors only deal with their "own" team of experts; but he wanted to know what I wanted and what I was willing to do or NOT do, etc. He made no assumptions, which I really appreciated. He most definitely wanted to speak with my current oncologist. We also explained to him we really believe my current Oncologist is amazing as well -- a salt of the earth -- as well as many other important components set him apart from the average doc.(oncologist, that is) However, we also reiterated that if his own team of oncologists have other recommendations that would benefit my overall cure from cancer then by all means, we would do or go where we need to go. I am keeping all my options open. So he's fully aware we are flexible and want the best treatment for my type of cancer. So he will let me know probably tomorrow or next week as to what he found out through conversation with his people and then my oncologist.
He also explained to me how he would place the port which was not explained to me before. He makes sure the port is placed entering from under my right armpit area so as not to make a huge scar that will not potentially heal properly. The port will be just under my skin below my collarbone connected to a vein which will in turn be the catalyst for my chemo treatment. He does these types of ports about 3-4 times a week; so the man knows what he's doing. Of course I will have to be careful, not get hit, watch out when playing with my big dog, Woody, etc. This procedure will take an hour and I will be doing it TOMORROW. Friday, April 1, 2011. NO THIS IS NOT April Fool's day.
When he first asked me if I wanted it done or Monday, I said Monday. What a knee-jerk reaction! I'm trying not to do that! Putting it off, that is! Oh, dopey me. My family -- my "team" heard that come out of my mouth, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. Then their faces said it all.....The look of WHAT????? Then the doc suggested, not demanded, but suggested that maybe it would be a good thing to have it done tomorrow because it would give me a couple days of rest and healing so that next week I can begin my CHEMO............OH, yeah, the eyes began to fill up. It was my reality check yet again...........
Dr. Hyde looked at me and asked me why I wanted to wait and all I could say was, "I am still coming to grips with the fact I have Cancer. I guess I don't know any other reason." About that time I started to get pretty choked up. He could see the softer, big time marshmallow melting before his eyes quickly. You know what he did? He came over to me and hugged me and told me everything I needed and wanted to hear. He told me I was a strong person that he could see this; that I was a positive person; that I have a very strong support system and that this was going to be a hard journey for me, BUT I will come out of this just fine and be able to move on with my life! I literally clutched onto him. I didn't do the UGLY cry, but I did clutch onto this man. All I could say was, "OK. Let's do this tomorrow. I can do this. I know I can."
Because he is extremely thorough, I was then able to be scheduled at Scripps Hospital for an MRI w/ dye for my breasts. He wants to know EXACT sizes and locations of the tumor because I will ultimately be having a bilateral masectomy. Yes, I am. I am NOT going to mess around with any potential reoccurances. I don't want to do this again 10-15 years down the road. NO Way! Each woman has her own choice/journey/decisions to make regarding this. For me, it's very clear -- I must level this playing field out so I can have the rest of my life with my husband, future grand children and the new travels and relationships I will be building on. So there. There is also some type of blood test that no one has had me do yet, but was taken today also. I must learn more about it but it has to do with all the hormone levels. Will get back to that one at a later date. Man, when this man wants something, it gets done now. I was then scheduled @ 2:15pm today for my MRI downstairs at Scripps. We had a 2 hr break and went into La Jolla for lunch then down to the beach area. Funny thing is, I was totally calm and not sick to my stomach with worry. I know I'm supposed to go through this. It was so fun to be in an incredibly amazing little city. The food was soooooo dee-lish. Then we went to the edge where all the sea lions were hanging out. It felt good to get back to the coast. Oh, yeah, and it was 80 degrees at the coast today. GORGEOUS. I kept on drinking in the air. Breathing in the Breath of Life. So true for me. So true.
So I got back to my MRI area. The nurse came to get me, made me feel very comfortable and made me laugh. What a character she was. Apparently, she has also worked with Dr. Oz because she is from back east. She placed and IV in my right arm for a dye that would be administered via a high tech machine I would ultimately be hooked up to. I was then ushered into this room where this huge CAT Scan /MRI unit was waiting for me. Now here comes the funny part.
I had to get up onto this bed facing down. I had 2 gowns with the open end facing the front - so I could "expose myself" -- It was like lying down when you have a massage. You place your head in a padded holder, Then there was the section that was like a cut out for your boobies. So as I laid down, in went my boobies and they just hung there. The next procedure kind of reminded me of a bull in a shoot at a rodeo.........I know what a comparison, but it really was -- except it was for my girls -- my boobies. The assistant took my right boobie and "secured" it with a holder and she did that with the left one as well. All the while I'm thinking, "Dear GAWD that poor woman has to do this daily? Oh, well. They gave me earplugs because the scanner is sooo freaking loud. No exaggeration either. What a major noise maker.
So after I was secure, up I was lifted and apparently moved into this tube like donut. If you have closterphobia, this wouldn't be as bad as one would think. But it can play with your mind if you let it. I didn't let it do that to me. I took it as a time to rest because I'm so tired from all this upheavel of activity. So I closed my eyes and took myself to my happy places. I was back in Italy, I was back up a certain road I would walk when I was living in Civita D'Antino; I was in Roma at a great restaurant with Amy and Loreto; I was in Hawaii; I was everywhere I wanted to be. It was truly relaxing. So there were several 3-minute procedures. The whole entire thing lasted in that tube for about 35 minutes. It was very relaxing for me. When it was all done, I took my time getting back up, talked with the tech, then I left. It was that easy.
So tomorrow morning I come back and go in for my port. I'm not worried in the least. Yes, it's a new begnning to the next phase of this journey, but that means I can start shrinking the enemy here and reduce their sizes. I figure if I don't sleep tonight, which I think I will, but if I don't, I will get forced sleep tomorrow.
I am praying all the time these days. I meditate as well as pray. I think that's all one can do. But I am also trying to be me. It's hard for me to be completely me, but I must try. I want to be more accepting. And today was a good example of me still trying to control the situation. So funny how that is. I am changing, but I don't think for the worse. I am on this journey for whatever reason. I have to go through that threshold of the unknown for me. I am still here and hanging in there with the gusto of life embracing me. I do feel all the love! It's the most wonderful gift so many of you have given me! Thank you again!
I am the luckiest and most loved person. How much better does that get? So till the next time I write. I might not tomorrow since I may be out of commission. But I will continue thereafter. Keep me in your good thoughts and positive mindset.
The cup's still half full no matter what!
Rock on all!
And go dance! Just do it!
OMG are the only words I can say! OH, MY GOD!!! I still cannot believe how I've landed here with these amazing doctors and amazing people that keep on coming into our lives. If it weren't for the nuclear medicine doctor making this high recommendation for me to contact Dr. Hyde, I would never have met this genius!
This man was voted the number #1 doctor in America by his medical community of peers for 2006-2007. With that said, he is not a premadonna. He came into my exam room, introduced himself and then proceeded to meet my "team:, Jim and Ash. Then he began with the basic questions as to how I landed here with him. I explained and then he went into a full-on exam of my chest and upper body area. What an exam. It was very thorough -- different, yet again. I am finding each doc "has their way of discovery." But this man did not treat me like a piece of meat or just another patient. From the beginning, he was empathetic, LISTENED -- completely present. Boy, did he interrogate. I let him know before he asked that I had never had a biopsy till recently, March 11, 2011. He wanted to know what the course of action had been up to meeting him. I told him I needed to have a port placed somewhere on my chest so I may begin Chemo. We told him what we knew up this point. Some doctors only deal with their "own" team of experts; but he wanted to know what I wanted and what I was willing to do or NOT do, etc. He made no assumptions, which I really appreciated. He most definitely wanted to speak with my current oncologist. We also explained to him we really believe my current Oncologist is amazing as well -- a salt of the earth -- as well as many other important components set him apart from the average doc.(oncologist, that is) However, we also reiterated that if his own team of oncologists have other recommendations that would benefit my overall cure from cancer then by all means, we would do or go where we need to go. I am keeping all my options open. So he's fully aware we are flexible and want the best treatment for my type of cancer. So he will let me know probably tomorrow or next week as to what he found out through conversation with his people and then my oncologist.
He also explained to me how he would place the port which was not explained to me before. He makes sure the port is placed entering from under my right armpit area so as not to make a huge scar that will not potentially heal properly. The port will be just under my skin below my collarbone connected to a vein which will in turn be the catalyst for my chemo treatment. He does these types of ports about 3-4 times a week; so the man knows what he's doing. Of course I will have to be careful, not get hit, watch out when playing with my big dog, Woody, etc. This procedure will take an hour and I will be doing it TOMORROW. Friday, April 1, 2011. NO THIS IS NOT April Fool's day.
When he first asked me if I wanted it done or Monday, I said Monday. What a knee-jerk reaction! I'm trying not to do that! Putting it off, that is! Oh, dopey me. My family -- my "team" heard that come out of my mouth, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. Then their faces said it all.....The look of WHAT????? Then the doc suggested, not demanded, but suggested that maybe it would be a good thing to have it done tomorrow because it would give me a couple days of rest and healing so that next week I can begin my CHEMO............OH, yeah, the eyes began to fill up. It was my reality check yet again...........
Dr. Hyde looked at me and asked me why I wanted to wait and all I could say was, "I am still coming to grips with the fact I have Cancer. I guess I don't know any other reason." About that time I started to get pretty choked up. He could see the softer, big time marshmallow melting before his eyes quickly. You know what he did? He came over to me and hugged me and told me everything I needed and wanted to hear. He told me I was a strong person that he could see this; that I was a positive person; that I have a very strong support system and that this was going to be a hard journey for me, BUT I will come out of this just fine and be able to move on with my life! I literally clutched onto him. I didn't do the UGLY cry, but I did clutch onto this man. All I could say was, "OK. Let's do this tomorrow. I can do this. I know I can."
Because he is extremely thorough, I was then able to be scheduled at Scripps Hospital for an MRI w/ dye for my breasts. He wants to know EXACT sizes and locations of the tumor because I will ultimately be having a bilateral masectomy. Yes, I am. I am NOT going to mess around with any potential reoccurances. I don't want to do this again 10-15 years down the road. NO Way! Each woman has her own choice/journey/decisions to make regarding this. For me, it's very clear -- I must level this playing field out so I can have the rest of my life with my husband, future grand children and the new travels and relationships I will be building on. So there. There is also some type of blood test that no one has had me do yet, but was taken today also. I must learn more about it but it has to do with all the hormone levels. Will get back to that one at a later date. Man, when this man wants something, it gets done now. I was then scheduled @ 2:15pm today for my MRI downstairs at Scripps. We had a 2 hr break and went into La Jolla for lunch then down to the beach area. Funny thing is, I was totally calm and not sick to my stomach with worry. I know I'm supposed to go through this. It was so fun to be in an incredibly amazing little city. The food was soooooo dee-lish. Then we went to the edge where all the sea lions were hanging out. It felt good to get back to the coast. Oh, yeah, and it was 80 degrees at the coast today. GORGEOUS. I kept on drinking in the air. Breathing in the Breath of Life. So true for me. So true.
So I got back to my MRI area. The nurse came to get me, made me feel very comfortable and made me laugh. What a character she was. Apparently, she has also worked with Dr. Oz because she is from back east. She placed and IV in my right arm for a dye that would be administered via a high tech machine I would ultimately be hooked up to. I was then ushered into this room where this huge CAT Scan /MRI unit was waiting for me. Now here comes the funny part.
I had to get up onto this bed facing down. I had 2 gowns with the open end facing the front - so I could "expose myself" -- It was like lying down when you have a massage. You place your head in a padded holder, Then there was the section that was like a cut out for your boobies. So as I laid down, in went my boobies and they just hung there. The next procedure kind of reminded me of a bull in a shoot at a rodeo.........I know what a comparison, but it really was -- except it was for my girls -- my boobies. The assistant took my right boobie and "secured" it with a holder and she did that with the left one as well. All the while I'm thinking, "Dear GAWD that poor woman has to do this daily? Oh, well. They gave me earplugs because the scanner is sooo freaking loud. No exaggeration either. What a major noise maker.
So after I was secure, up I was lifted and apparently moved into this tube like donut. If you have closterphobia, this wouldn't be as bad as one would think. But it can play with your mind if you let it. I didn't let it do that to me. I took it as a time to rest because I'm so tired from all this upheavel of activity. So I closed my eyes and took myself to my happy places. I was back in Italy, I was back up a certain road I would walk when I was living in Civita D'Antino; I was in Roma at a great restaurant with Amy and Loreto; I was in Hawaii; I was everywhere I wanted to be. It was truly relaxing. So there were several 3-minute procedures. The whole entire thing lasted in that tube for about 35 minutes. It was very relaxing for me. When it was all done, I took my time getting back up, talked with the tech, then I left. It was that easy.
So tomorrow morning I come back and go in for my port. I'm not worried in the least. Yes, it's a new begnning to the next phase of this journey, but that means I can start shrinking the enemy here and reduce their sizes. I figure if I don't sleep tonight, which I think I will, but if I don't, I will get forced sleep tomorrow.
I am praying all the time these days. I meditate as well as pray. I think that's all one can do. But I am also trying to be me. It's hard for me to be completely me, but I must try. I want to be more accepting. And today was a good example of me still trying to control the situation. So funny how that is. I am changing, but I don't think for the worse. I am on this journey for whatever reason. I have to go through that threshold of the unknown for me. I am still here and hanging in there with the gusto of life embracing me. I do feel all the love! It's the most wonderful gift so many of you have given me! Thank you again!
I am the luckiest and most loved person. How much better does that get? So till the next time I write. I might not tomorrow since I may be out of commission. But I will continue thereafter. Keep me in your good thoughts and positive mindset.
The cup's still half full no matter what!
Rock on all!
And go dance! Just do it!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday - Over the Hump Day -- literally!
Today was the day I have been dreading yet NEEDING to know what the final results are of my PET CAT scan. This is a very important test for the oncologist to determine where, if any, there is anymore cancer spreading throughout my body. I've been trying to keep very busy and not think about it too much. But, since I'm a human being, of course I thought it about and played all the scenarios in my head yet again. But for the most part these past few days have been quite a growing experience for me. Wow, wow, wow!
So the appointment was at 10am. We sat there and sat there and sat there. We talked with the nurses for awhile, we made small talk about any other subject we could think of to keep ME from climbing out of my skin. My husband, Jim and oldest daughter, Ashley were there with me. They are quite the talkers when you put those two together -- dear gawd, they can talk about anything under the sun. Honestly, I didn't mind that the doc was taking his time with another patient, because they needed him. But then it was my turn around 11:15am. He brought in his lap top and started in on the "findings." This is there part where I'm still learning about SLOW, STEADY pacing. I'm one of those persons that I like to get right to the point and discuss the matter at hand. I am learning about the simmering process regarding my cancer. Needless to say, my doc is an extremely thorough and very methodical professional -- serious, yet very empathetic about his patient at hand. I actually was able to see my PET test result 3-D with my body completely transparent with my organs showing. The things that were highlighted for the most part was my cancer. I saw my breast, my axillary (armpit) nodes. And the greatest things of all -- NOTHING else was lit up! NO other major organs! NONE!!!!! I realized this and began to get very excited inside myself. But had to maintain while he went through every little detail as to what he was reading from the report as well as the visual display on the screen. We then looked at my body on the screen from the perspective as you would if you were slicing a loaf of bread. 1/8 cm at a time. It was very interesting to see my body from this point of view. So the long and the short of it is this: I'm at Stage 3. NOT 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I know how it works for a lot of people and they can get very preoccupied with the number game. The bottom line for me is this: The cancer has not spread to any other organs in my body! HUGE success! HUGE!!!! I feel like I have won the lottery!
Yes, this is still serious, but at least now I have a major league game plan that I CAN wrap my brain around.
I meet my new surgeon tomorrow at Scripp's Hospital out of La Jolla. An excellent surgeon with the knowledge I will need for the future. He will also place my "port" into my body soon for my next process which will be CHEMO. That will be within the next 7-10 days. I will be learning a lot more about the new poison/drug I will be entering into my body, but it's one I want. Crazy to think this, but I want it. I will be making other dietary choices as well as using Chemo for now. At a later date, I will have surgery to remove my breasts. Yes, bilateral -- both. I don't want to take a chance for this stuff to come back and take the other at a later time. I don't trust it. But it's also my choice. This may not work for others, but this is my body and that's what I want at this point.
Either way, my day was remarkable. It could have gone the other direction but it didn't. For this, I am eternally grateful!
For all that have been there and are supporting me, I thank you! Your continued prayers are always welcomed. I will sleep much better tonight oddly enough. I am blessed. I have the best and greatest family and friends!
Oh, yeah..............My cup's still half full believe it or not! WWWWHHHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!
So the appointment was at 10am. We sat there and sat there and sat there. We talked with the nurses for awhile, we made small talk about any other subject we could think of to keep ME from climbing out of my skin. My husband, Jim and oldest daughter, Ashley were there with me. They are quite the talkers when you put those two together -- dear gawd, they can talk about anything under the sun. Honestly, I didn't mind that the doc was taking his time with another patient, because they needed him. But then it was my turn around 11:15am. He brought in his lap top and started in on the "findings." This is there part where I'm still learning about SLOW, STEADY pacing. I'm one of those persons that I like to get right to the point and discuss the matter at hand. I am learning about the simmering process regarding my cancer. Needless to say, my doc is an extremely thorough and very methodical professional -- serious, yet very empathetic about his patient at hand. I actually was able to see my PET test result 3-D with my body completely transparent with my organs showing. The things that were highlighted for the most part was my cancer. I saw my breast, my axillary (armpit) nodes. And the greatest things of all -- NOTHING else was lit up! NO other major organs! NONE!!!!! I realized this and began to get very excited inside myself. But had to maintain while he went through every little detail as to what he was reading from the report as well as the visual display on the screen. We then looked at my body on the screen from the perspective as you would if you were slicing a loaf of bread. 1/8 cm at a time. It was very interesting to see my body from this point of view. So the long and the short of it is this: I'm at Stage 3. NOT 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I know how it works for a lot of people and they can get very preoccupied with the number game. The bottom line for me is this: The cancer has not spread to any other organs in my body! HUGE success! HUGE!!!! I feel like I have won the lottery!
Yes, this is still serious, but at least now I have a major league game plan that I CAN wrap my brain around.
I meet my new surgeon tomorrow at Scripp's Hospital out of La Jolla. An excellent surgeon with the knowledge I will need for the future. He will also place my "port" into my body soon for my next process which will be CHEMO. That will be within the next 7-10 days. I will be learning a lot more about the new poison/drug I will be entering into my body, but it's one I want. Crazy to think this, but I want it. I will be making other dietary choices as well as using Chemo for now. At a later date, I will have surgery to remove my breasts. Yes, bilateral -- both. I don't want to take a chance for this stuff to come back and take the other at a later time. I don't trust it. But it's also my choice. This may not work for others, but this is my body and that's what I want at this point.
Either way, my day was remarkable. It could have gone the other direction but it didn't. For this, I am eternally grateful!
For all that have been there and are supporting me, I thank you! Your continued prayers are always welcomed. I will sleep much better tonight oddly enough. I am blessed. I have the best and greatest family and friends!
Oh, yeah..............My cup's still half full believe it or not! WWWWHHHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Happy Tuesday
Amazing three days. I feel very fortunate. I'm keeping myself very busy and going about my regular life.
I'm in the process of learning to meditate which is helping with the anxiety of all that is occurring. I'm also learning a lot more about my spirituality. I have a lot to learn and beginning to accept certain realities much better. It's such a process and I do believe that everyone has their own way of getting to their goals/destinations, etc. Mine, seems to be this journey. I am truly a "newby" and willing to continue to learn. That's all I can ask for at this point.
Today, I've been trying to keep negative thoughts from coming into play. So far so good. A person can "what if...." themselves to death. I should know, I used to do it all the time. It's amazing I could function at times when something would way heavy in my heart/mind. Perhaps, now with this new road, I will finally begin to open up to more and new exciting adventures without hesitation. Supposedly, that's what I'm going to learn -- Okey-dokey! Perhaps, I will become a "softer" person through all this. Not in the sense of laying over and letting everything take me over, but more on the level of understanding, compassion, MERCY.
May sound a bit "heady" to some -- you're right. Pretty heady if you ask me, but I can't help go there now. I have to do this in order to start to understand better. I want to pass this fear. Like I said the other day, I don't want to be apart of this new found sorority of sorts. Well, guess what? I'm apart of it good, bad or indifferent. I'm learning also about the control aspect of my life. I truly have to reconfigure all of it. I have to be able not to just talk the talk, but I have to really walk this walk. I must let it all go -- not in a bad way, but truly understand the chips have fallen where they may and now it's time to rebuild myself back up and become healthier than I've ever been before -- emotionally and physically. Wish me luck. I am going to continue to find the laughter. That makes me feel so good inside. I will conitnue to find new peace of mind. That, too, makes me feel so secure.
Tomorrow morning is big day for me and my family. I find out the results of the PET Scan test. You want to know what "surreal" is? I have the lab results currently in my office SEALED for the doctor and I am not to open it till my exam tomorrow (with the oncologist). How's that for weird? I had to put it away yesterday so I wouldn't focus on the results. Yes, they are there waiting, patiently, I might add -- to be read. Once again: It's all determined. I must have positive thoughts. Must keep it clear and positive. I shall open myself up to more love so this intruder doesn't have an opportunity to take more. I guess I have to fill myself up with so much LOVE that there is NO room for it. That is making more sense to me each day. I had to change my mind about this "fight." That's the first thing we all want to do. Of course, I want to fight. But I must do it with LOVE, GRACE, and DIGNITY.
I continue to move forward at a steady rate and will go the distance and seek out all the greatest medical care I can. In the words of a new friend, "Breathe in the air of LIFE." That makes sense to me.
I encourage all of you to do the same: Breathe in the air of life. It feels pretty good; doesn't it? YEAH!!!!
Now, I'm going to turn on some head-thumping music and enjoy my dogs! It's 79 degrees out! WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!
Oh, yeah, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
I'm in the process of learning to meditate which is helping with the anxiety of all that is occurring. I'm also learning a lot more about my spirituality. I have a lot to learn and beginning to accept certain realities much better. It's such a process and I do believe that everyone has their own way of getting to their goals/destinations, etc. Mine, seems to be this journey. I am truly a "newby" and willing to continue to learn. That's all I can ask for at this point.
Today, I've been trying to keep negative thoughts from coming into play. So far so good. A person can "what if...." themselves to death. I should know, I used to do it all the time. It's amazing I could function at times when something would way heavy in my heart/mind. Perhaps, now with this new road, I will finally begin to open up to more and new exciting adventures without hesitation. Supposedly, that's what I'm going to learn -- Okey-dokey! Perhaps, I will become a "softer" person through all this. Not in the sense of laying over and letting everything take me over, but more on the level of understanding, compassion, MERCY.
May sound a bit "heady" to some -- you're right. Pretty heady if you ask me, but I can't help go there now. I have to do this in order to start to understand better. I want to pass this fear. Like I said the other day, I don't want to be apart of this new found sorority of sorts. Well, guess what? I'm apart of it good, bad or indifferent. I'm learning also about the control aspect of my life. I truly have to reconfigure all of it. I have to be able not to just talk the talk, but I have to really walk this walk. I must let it all go -- not in a bad way, but truly understand the chips have fallen where they may and now it's time to rebuild myself back up and become healthier than I've ever been before -- emotionally and physically. Wish me luck. I am going to continue to find the laughter. That makes me feel so good inside. I will conitnue to find new peace of mind. That, too, makes me feel so secure.
Tomorrow morning is big day for me and my family. I find out the results of the PET Scan test. You want to know what "surreal" is? I have the lab results currently in my office SEALED for the doctor and I am not to open it till my exam tomorrow (with the oncologist). How's that for weird? I had to put it away yesterday so I wouldn't focus on the results. Yes, they are there waiting, patiently, I might add -- to be read. Once again: It's all determined. I must have positive thoughts. Must keep it clear and positive. I shall open myself up to more love so this intruder doesn't have an opportunity to take more. I guess I have to fill myself up with so much LOVE that there is NO room for it. That is making more sense to me each day. I had to change my mind about this "fight." That's the first thing we all want to do. Of course, I want to fight. But I must do it with LOVE, GRACE, and DIGNITY.
I continue to move forward at a steady rate and will go the distance and seek out all the greatest medical care I can. In the words of a new friend, "Breathe in the air of LIFE." That makes sense to me.
I encourage all of you to do the same: Breathe in the air of life. It feels pretty good; doesn't it? YEAH!!!!
Now, I'm going to turn on some head-thumping music and enjoy my dogs! It's 79 degrees out! WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!
Oh, yeah, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)