Not much to report other than so far so good. The first night after my 2nd treatment, I felt so full of chemo. I just felt full. Had a light dinner and all went well. They give me an anti-nausea injection into my IV before I leave so it stays in my system 4 days. It's a wonderful thing. The worse part of the prep for chemo is taking that Dexamethasone drug that is the anti-inflammatory/steroid. Well, this time I felt pretty aggressive with my personality and attitude. Wow. Not a good thing. I had to be very, very congnisant about sharing my opinion on anything. Not a good side to me at all. I take it the day before chemo, day of and day after. So today I am free from this drug till my next treatment. The drug will stay in my system for a couple more days obviously, but at least I should see it diminish out of my body soon. This drug is to prevent me from having an allergic reaction to my Taxorere chemo drug. You see, I'm only on 2 chemo drugs now. They took me off the Adrimyacin. So glad about that one. That was the most toxic chemo of all. What a reprieve. My doc/nurse also told me my side effects my even be less than the first go around which was pretty minor by comparison to what it could have been. So wish me luck with this one.
But I feel really good. I'm listening much closer to my body's needs. I drink fluids till I'm floating along. I do go to the bathroom a lot but it's worth it as long as I don't get dehydrated. I don't want another passing out episode like 3 weeks ago. My appetite is fine and I keep clean, healthy foods in me at all times. That is a very important part of all of this. Eat the best and the most bang for your food. Your body MUST be nourished. At least I feel it very clearly. My body really dictates to me what it wants. I mostly feel like I want protein and some carbs, but I keep up those vegies big time. Funny thing, I don't always want a salad, I want other things, so I indulge that way. Now, I'm not over stuffing myself. My portions are small. Really small, but I have to eat every 2 hours. It's what I need. If I don't, I get very lethargic and loopy, so I must pay attention.
I'm better with the resting part. That's yet another component to all this. Rest. Don't fight it. I really pay attention because if I don't, my color is washed out and I get weak. No fun. I don't like that feeling. I have better things I need to do. It also has affected my brain thought process. Some of the things I come up with are humorous to say the least, but I definitely have the chemo brain action going on periodically. I don't get too upset because I know this will be temporary.
As you probably already know my right arm clot is improving daily -- THANK GOD!! I can use it more without having to elevate. But I still ice periodically. Ice is my friend.
I never really share too much about my dogs, but I think I'll share a bit right now. My guys, Woody, who is my chocolate lab of 3 years and Chewy, my Morkie of 2.5 years are my bright rays of light. I cannot imagine NOT having my pals around me. They keep it in perspective for me. All they want to do is love me and Jim and whoever else is around. Although, Chewy can drive you to the brink with his barking explosions periodically since he is part Yorkie. Dear Gawd, my nerve endings go through the roof when he thinks the world is caving in around him for whatever reason. If I can catch him in time to stop the action with a little squirt gun I have, then it's ok. But a lot of that is wasted because he jets off so quickly, I don't get a chance at all to stop that action. But God love the little twirp, he comes back and settles in nicely and can be very good for hours on end without this explosions.
Woody, is my athletic guy and keeps the yard under his control. But he is my love of all loves. What a good boy he is. I take him for his walks into the field across the street from our home and let him run his heart out. He loves chasing all those cotton tails out there. He even goes after the ravens out there as well. By the end his tongue is hanging low and puffing away and I know it's then that I can call him back and he's very amiable to the prospect of it's time to head back. I don't take my long walks presently just because of what my arm has been going through, so I hope to be back to my regular walks pretty soon. I have the go ahead from the doc to go back to the gym and have some reasonable fun. No I'm not going to be trying to pump the heck out of weights, but I will work up to some good sweats, I'm sure. It's important to maintain a good exercise routine as much as possible. It helps with the fatigue and overall circulation and well-being for this fight with cancer. Oops, there's that word again.
So Jim if off having his time to recharge and recoop from all and I'm so happy he is doing this for himself. It's important that your partner, love, hubby, whoever is caring for you to have their time away so they can come back and deal with whatever may be thrown their way. He is trying so hard and doing so well with me and making my life that much easier to deal with because of his srength and labors of love. My daughter, Ash, stays on Thursdays and Fridays so this can happen. She, too, is dealing with her own health issues, and she has it in herself to help me out so much. Now, if that isn't devoted love, I don't know what else one can call it. My other daughter, Amy, is in Brussels, Belgium, so it's difficult for her to be here, but we Skype several times a week now and she will be here beginning the end of August through November, with her hubby, Loreto. So I'm overjoyed that we will have the time together soon. And, my Amy, will whip this place into shape big time upon her arrival! LOL!!! She's quite the chef now and I can't wait for some of her Italian original recipes. Yummo. She knows what I love. So all in all my world is pretty great. I have a lot of love from all of you too! If it weren't for the good words of encouragement and cards and care packages, I don't think I would have such a sense of calm and serenity that I do. It's really true. I just love all the words. It means everything to me.
When I'm out in public here now, people are asking how is my health doing? They are actually asking. Isn't that cool? I love it. Because that means people care. That's a big deal when you think about it. Because we don't have to acknowledge anything we don't want to. We go out, do our thing, get in our cars, think about whatever it is we need to be doing and go do it. But do we pay attention to what is happening around us for the most part? I think people are beginning to recheck themselves somewhat. Way cool and my hats off to that. However, it's not my intention to go out and think: SEE ME! SEE ME. That's not my thing, but it's lovely to see the genuine eye-contact sometimes I receive. The sincere look they give me into my eyes. That SMILE that can carry me the rest of my day. I mean before this, I smiled at people for no apparent reason except to show that I know they are there and that I hope their day is a better one, because I do know that a simple SMILE can sustain you with a lighter feeling inside your heart for awhile. But when it's happening to me now, I can't thank those individuals enough because for that moment it takes away the feeling of the fact I carry this INTRUDER in my body with me at all times -- 24/7 and I don't want it here anymore. And I know it's going to take time to get it out of me, but I still want it out of me. I want it out now. So that acknowlegement of a smile or a Hello helps me to reconfirm that I'm not DEFINED by this cancer. I'm still me. I have a life to live just like everyone else. I have goals, I have a brain (kind of), I have other things to offer to this world. I'm not wanting to be stagnant. Wow, one wouldn't necessarily think just from a smile it could make a person think of all these things, but it does when you have this kind of time to think. But I do feel it sincerely.
Ok. I think I've gotten heady enough for one day, but I obviously felt the need to get it out of me once again. It does help through this process.
I have the luxury to listen to my birds outside my back door and also listen to my beautiful windchimes I have strategically set out in several areas of my backyard. I get such joy from this. These birds down here in So. Cal in my backyard are fabulous to listen to. I can honestly say, I never ever get tired of listening to them. It's pretty Zen-like for me. Quite the nature's choir.
With that, my Cup's way more than half full right now. I'm the lucky one. Till later, I will send you all love back to you and Thank you again for caring and sending me all your love, support, prayers and positive healings. It's working! I'm living proof! And I plan to keep on proving it all the way to the other side of this!
Ciao, Ciao!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
GREAT FREAKIN NEWS TO SHARE
I'm presently at mt chemo session, but mt daughter gave me her laptop to use while here.
My doc, Dr B examined me and to his sheer delight told me th e greatest of news: My tumor in my left armpit (axillary) is GONE!!!! THAT 5 CM TUMOR IS GONE! ARE YOU FEELING MY JUBILATION? I'm sitting there smiling to the point of aching in my face. You see I couldnt find it the other day and I thought it was me being too hopeful. And now he verified this that I ended up grabbing him and CLUTCHING into him with the biggest LYNN HUG of his life! My breast is still large but there is reduction as well so thats great as well. So because of this fact I don't have Adrimycin in my chemo treatment today. I love his creative mind and flexibility! because he's paying attention to my body and the fact what will ultimately happen down the road when I have my bi-lateral mastectomy and then the radiation.
I am writing with my right arm presently very slowly while I have my chemo treatment coming to an end within the next 10 minutes or so. I have to say it's been an easy-peasy event today. I was told my side effects will be fewer!! How great is that? Now, I can get somewhat of a reprieve of sorts. I've also been told I get to go back to working out at the gym!!! I need it so badly! I want to have a good sweat & get my heart rate up to continue forward strengthening.
So that's all I have to share for now. Once again, thank you for all the continued prayers, good thoughts & energy! I know it's helping me. Hey, I'm living proof! It doesn't get that much more real;doesn't it?
Big time Cup's Half Full today! eeeeeehhhhhaaaaa!
and if I break out with zits again I guess its worth it considering I'm getting these kinds of results!
Blessings!
Ciao Ciao
My doc, Dr B examined me and to his sheer delight told me th e greatest of news: My tumor in my left armpit (axillary) is GONE!!!! THAT 5 CM TUMOR IS GONE! ARE YOU FEELING MY JUBILATION? I'm sitting there smiling to the point of aching in my face. You see I couldnt find it the other day and I thought it was me being too hopeful. And now he verified this that I ended up grabbing him and CLUTCHING into him with the biggest LYNN HUG of his life! My breast is still large but there is reduction as well so thats great as well. So because of this fact I don't have Adrimycin in my chemo treatment today. I love his creative mind and flexibility! because he's paying attention to my body and the fact what will ultimately happen down the road when I have my bi-lateral mastectomy and then the radiation.
I am writing with my right arm presently very slowly while I have my chemo treatment coming to an end within the next 10 minutes or so. I have to say it's been an easy-peasy event today. I was told my side effects will be fewer!! How great is that? Now, I can get somewhat of a reprieve of sorts. I've also been told I get to go back to working out at the gym!!! I need it so badly! I want to have a good sweat & get my heart rate up to continue forward strengthening.
So that's all I have to share for now. Once again, thank you for all the continued prayers, good thoughts & energy! I know it's helping me. Hey, I'm living proof! It doesn't get that much more real;doesn't it?
Big time Cup's Half Full today! eeeeeehhhhhaaaaa!
and if I break out with zits again I guess its worth it considering I'm getting these kinds of results!
Blessings!
Ciao Ciao
Treatment 2 soon to begin
It's been a few days since I've had the desire or the time to write. Many things have happened in the last few days. I guess the most obvious one is I stepped across the threshold and had my chair completely chopped off. We waited till after our dinner to begin this process. Sanny wanted me to feel ready and willing to be able to sit down and begin to unveil the new Lynn. He's a very wise man! He knows me way too well. It's so strange to go through these motions. I was rather ambivalent. Yes, I care but at the same time, it's just flipping hair. And, my hair has been feeling dead on my head. Everytime I would pass my fingers through my hair, I would get clumps of hair. The funny thing was I didn't have any bald spots. It was distributed pretty evenly. I did notice on Sunday afternoon that I had the receeding hairline going on in the center of my part area. But, I sure do have a lot of hair. I'm one of the lucky ones.
So we began. We gathered in my master bathroom where the light was really good. Got my chair to sit in and we all began to watch the "unveiling" process. Here were the cast of characters: Jim (hubby), Ashley (oldest daughter), Patrick (Ash's honey), Thomas (Chef extraordinare and dear Friend), Amy (my youngest daughter and son-in-law, Loreto, via SKYPE from ROME) and last but certainly not least, Sanford (couture dejour -- and dear Friend-brother ). He took the first few cuts to get the bulk off my head. Everytime he combed my would-be hair, it clumped and tangled because it was dead. I truly felt as thought I had a mop on my head. Lifeless hair-- so weird. By the way, Ashley was filming the majority of this process and I will be trying to post this on here and if not here on YouTube. Will keep you all posted on that.
As he cut my hair, we saw different styles. Oh, yeah, he gave me a mullet -- just as a reminder of what USED TO BE in our years gone by. I was called a mullet head by a FORMER boyfriend of Ash's. It was pretty funny of that interpretation by this young man, but I guess in retrospect, it was similar to one -- I was trying to grow my hair out at the time. Either way, all of us had a good laugh. Then, we stopped for a bit so I could see myself at this stage. This was the moment I started to fall apart. I was ready, but the reality hit me. Jim was quick to be there and give me a chance to gather myself up. Once I finished the blubbering, I was much stronger and told them I was ready to get this going on. So off Sanford clipped away. We went to the next style which was considerably shorter. The funny was and I agree with their opinion on this one: as I got my hair cut shorter, I started to look younger. I mean considerably younger. So strange. I guess because there was no distraction with the hair -- not in the way of my face. At one point, I found myself looking like a little kid --- boy-like when I was a kid. NO, I hadn't been drinking! No, this isn't wishful thinking -- it just made me look that way. Mind you there are cameras clicking away and being videoed.
That's one of the biggest changes I've seen in myself. I am allowing this right of passage to be filmed. I'm opening up like I've never opened up before. I'm wanting to share it this way because oddly enough I do believe this can take the mystery out of this process for some who might be entering into this process. And, we as women, have been put into their categories which dictates what femininity is or is not. Supposedly, we have strength in our hair. I have to laugh at that. I feel stronger without it surprisingly so! Either way, I want to take the mystery and the FEAR out of this process. My tape is rather raw at times with the conversations we are sharing among each other. There is senses of humor going on to lighten the situation for me. There was nervous laughter at times from me as well as others in the room. Everyone had their different comfort levels that you will notice. There are good moments, sad moments, happy moments, supportive moments, freaky moments -- that's what makes this so real. It's going to come to you unedited. I want this completely honest from MY perspective. And that's what this is. For ME, this is what I needed to go through. I do not suggest at all that this would work for others; but at least it's there to see and hopefully, gleen some insight into what people can go through. It's an easy process overall, but emotionally, I don't believe it ruins a person. I say this because we are stronger than hair; I am not defined by this disease. And if I need to lose my hair to gain my life back, then so be it. HAIR GROWS BACK. And I'm not going to waste anymore time mourning my hair.
When we got to the final stages of chopping my hair off on the sides and leaving a butch haircut on top (which I did not like the look at all) we took a break. Had to -- just needed to take one more really big cleansing breath to do the final cuts. We took more pics; laughed a lot at this look -- no not my cup of tea to say the least. Then Sanny said, "Let's do it now and take the rest off; what do you think?" I nodded in the affirmative (yes) and said, "Let's do it already." And he did as I commanded. He got the shaving shears and turned that puppy on and took my hair down ultimately to about 1/8 inch around my head. Had to clean it up so there were no stragglers hanging around. But it was done. It felt so weird because my hair folicles were in a pattern around my head and lay in that pattern. A bit on the sensitive side. Doesn't hurt at all -- just sensitive when I ran my hand across my head. It felt so different. We talked about the fact that I would need to wash this and put a good conditioner on my scalp. I have psoriasis in my scalp area but happily no lesions or anything that is gross. I had big time fear that I was going to have disgusting red and seepy patches all over my scalp. But I don't! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I know inquiring minds want to know: what's the shape of my head. I'm happy to report I have a very nice and proportional head. It's so nice and shapely and my ears are perfectly proportioned to my head. Wow, I got a break on this one! THANK YOU GOD! But more importantly, Thank you Mom and Dad for creating me.
The conversation stopped and we just observed my cranium. From my perspective, I didn't expect to get the reactions I did from the gallery that was present. This inlcuded my daughter, Amy, who was on SKYPE. Loreto is a photographer and he was going on about the artistic side of my head. I was so surprised how happy everyone was for me. They got to the point of gushing about me. Kept on telling my my eyes and cheekbones pop out; how young I look; that I'm hot (that came from Jim big time!). About that time they all said,"Ok, maybe we need to give Lynn and Jim some private time." LOL! No, it didn't happen. Then they wanted to know my opinion: well, since I was the recipient, I was still processing this. Yes, my brain was clicking away it's movie of the look and I was staring and smiling. I have to say, this is what you get. I cannot hide myself under my hair. This is me. This is the new Lynn. I guess this is my right of passage. I thought when I turned 50 years old that that was the right of passage. No, I would say shaving your head is a right of passage big time. Suddenly, I was thinking about my make-up, big bangly earrings, scarves and hats. And NO WAY do I want to cover my head with a wig -- at least not at this time. I think that would be so fake for me. I feel that I want the GENUINE Lynn to be seen for who and what I am. And it doesn't get much more up in front like this. I'm not doing this for shock purposes, but this is for me. Please see me for who I really am. You can judge me; go right ahead. Assume what you want or must. Bottom line for me: I frankly do give a crap what you think. I feel pretty darned happy and liberated by this. It's not what I expected myself to feel. But I do feel FREE; I mean REALLY FREE. I'm tickled that I don't have to deal with the dead hair on my head. I'm thinking about all the money I'm saving not coloring or cutting presently; the hair care products are a savings as well. Yes, this is temporary. When I'm finished with chemo and then with radiation, my hair will come back. And then it's really going to get interesting. What and how will it come back as? GREY? Curly? STRAIGHT? From what I see now, I have salt and pepper hair around the front. Well, if I like it, I may keep it that way. This would be, in my opinion, the time to allow this to stay when it's coming back fresh and new. I don't want to look the way I used to. Considering what I'm going through, I can never be the same. I am not the same. I will never be the same again. There are lessons I'm learning daily. I must pay attention to them. Once again, this is MY journey. And I have to say again, there are more blessings that have come out of this horror than there negatives. I will get to the other side of this disease and come back even stronger. My insecurities are fading away quickly. And I don't know why. But they are. What a good sense of self and what a good sense of relief. I don't carry many burdens in my heart the way I was. I'm more grateful than anything.
Since the hair shave, I've been out in the public a few times. The first one was to take Woody, my dog, on his morning walk. Now, remember I'm still recovering from the port removal, so my right arm is still needing to be taken care of and elevated, etc, but I am seeing improvement; and as my doc pointed out to me day before yesterday, my body was really compromised by this clot, so it's going to take a while, but it will recover. So anyway, my walk was short, but I watched a video from YouTube about how to wrap my head with a scarf. Got some great ideas from a couple women and tried my version. I wrapped my head up and to my surprise, it stayed on my head! I did a great job. I look rather exotic. I even put some large earrings on and took off with my dog for his walk in the field. I noticed I walked very straight and tall. Not cocky, just taller. Felt good. We did out thing and came back to the house. I took my scarf off and I let my head breathe. It was a warm day out but I stayed in the house to avoid any sun rays that could burn my head and I needed to rest anyway. I like it with my head exposed. But I will place sunscreen on my head. The skin is very sensitive. Later on in the day, Jim took me to lunch to a beautiful winery called Calloway. What a gorgeous lunch and it felt so good to be among the living! I changed my scarf to a silk scarf and made a twisted rosette to the side of my head. It turned out way cute. I can't believe how much fun I'm having twisting the scarves into different designs. It's so easy and fun. At the restaurant, I was treated just like everyone else: with respect and dignity which is the way it should be. But you can't help feel a little self-conscious. For the most part no one really cared; I did notice a couple double-takes. But I would do that too. It didn't bother me in the least. And if anyone decides to ask questions, I'm completely comfortable in answering any and or all their questions within reason. I also had to do some grocery shopping and that when very well.
Today Ashley and Sanford and I hung out in Encinitas. I had no idea what a cool coastal town it is. So great and very earthy So. Cal style. We had a blast. WE went to a knittery store called The Black Sheep. Talk about over the top yarns! Oh, yeah, I had to buy more stash. GORGEOUS. It made me sweat I got so thrilled out of my brains! For those of you who don't know me, I love, love, love to knit and crochet. It's my ZEN!!!! I don't think I can ever have enough of the organic yarns and gorgeous colors. I don't buy all organics, but I love the unusual. I love the textures and I try to figure out who would love this particular yarn either in a scarf or socks, or fingerless gloves (I'm still needing help) but that's ok. I try. I love my time with knitting. I also like to felt hand bags. I have to say I have created some gorgeous bags, but they do take a bit of money and they take time. But they are addicting. I'm about due again to knit a bag up. But been waiting for my arm to improve so I can. It'll take some time and I will be back in the saddle again.
Needless, to say, I will be back to that knitting shop. Love, love, love it! Gotta go if you are there.
Ok. Wondering why I'm writing at almost 3am in the morning? Well, I have Chemo today @ 10:30am down at my Scripp's Medical Center with my oncologist, Dr. Bernstein. Love this man. And I love Regan more! My nurse. Anyway, I was corrected by the doc and he told me I take the Dexamethazone for the Taxere chemo drug i take to avoid allergic reactions to that particular chemo. I stand corrected. I thought it was for the Adrimiacin. Now, last time he and I talked he was going to removed that drug out of the equation, but since that conversation he has changed his mind. He will examine me to see how far down the tumors from come down; he will then make changes to the drug as needed. So I still may get the Adrimiacin yet. (CRAP) that one is a mean drug. I broke out big time, diarrhea ville, loss of hair, fatigue and a change up in my taste buds somewhat. Not to bad there. So we'll see what happens. The will draw my blood and check my blood panel such as white and red blood cells, hemoglobin, liver, etc. I hope I'm doing well. I feel pretty darned good. But we'll see. I'm am caustiously optomistic. Cannot be glib about chemo. So after this treatment, I will have 4 more treatments! YEAH.
We leave here around 9am cuz I have an appointment with my surgeon for post-op to see how I'm healing and discuss a couple other items. I have been eating well so I have not dropped anymore weight. I now way 152 lbs. (down 13 lbs. total) I have been told that I need some fighting weight still. But my clothes are fitting great and no big muffin tops are around! Yippee Skippee. I defninitely feel better about being in my clothes.
Will keep you all posted as to how the treatment goes this time. Not going to bring my knitting this time because I have to rest my arm. but there is plenty for me to do. I will pack some food to munch on while I hang around. The procedure should take about 2 hrs if all goes well into my veins and I don't suspect any issues to arise.
I continue to ask for as many prayers, good energy and good thoughts as possible. I do feel each and everyone of them. I can't thank you enough.
I'll be in touch in the next couple days. This weekend is going to be a good one and that's what i'm gearing up for.
Take care and I send big hugs and kisses out to all.
Yes, I'm doing ok. I'm ready again. And I can't wait to hear from the doc that he's happy my tumors are responding so well. My surgeon couldn't believe when he felt my tumors how small they are now. He kept on saying, "Wonderful, Lynn; this is simply wonderful." See, miracles happen and I know partly it's because of all the positvity and prayers!!!! There is power big time in prayers.
So with that, yes, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
So we began. We gathered in my master bathroom where the light was really good. Got my chair to sit in and we all began to watch the "unveiling" process. Here were the cast of characters: Jim (hubby), Ashley (oldest daughter), Patrick (Ash's honey), Thomas (Chef extraordinare and dear Friend), Amy (my youngest daughter and son-in-law, Loreto, via SKYPE from ROME) and last but certainly not least, Sanford (couture dejour -- and dear Friend-brother ). He took the first few cuts to get the bulk off my head. Everytime he combed my would-be hair, it clumped and tangled because it was dead. I truly felt as thought I had a mop on my head. Lifeless hair-- so weird. By the way, Ashley was filming the majority of this process and I will be trying to post this on here and if not here on YouTube. Will keep you all posted on that.
As he cut my hair, we saw different styles. Oh, yeah, he gave me a mullet -- just as a reminder of what USED TO BE in our years gone by. I was called a mullet head by a FORMER boyfriend of Ash's. It was pretty funny of that interpretation by this young man, but I guess in retrospect, it was similar to one -- I was trying to grow my hair out at the time. Either way, all of us had a good laugh. Then, we stopped for a bit so I could see myself at this stage. This was the moment I started to fall apart. I was ready, but the reality hit me. Jim was quick to be there and give me a chance to gather myself up. Once I finished the blubbering, I was much stronger and told them I was ready to get this going on. So off Sanford clipped away. We went to the next style which was considerably shorter. The funny was and I agree with their opinion on this one: as I got my hair cut shorter, I started to look younger. I mean considerably younger. So strange. I guess because there was no distraction with the hair -- not in the way of my face. At one point, I found myself looking like a little kid --- boy-like when I was a kid. NO, I hadn't been drinking! No, this isn't wishful thinking -- it just made me look that way. Mind you there are cameras clicking away and being videoed.
That's one of the biggest changes I've seen in myself. I am allowing this right of passage to be filmed. I'm opening up like I've never opened up before. I'm wanting to share it this way because oddly enough I do believe this can take the mystery out of this process for some who might be entering into this process. And, we as women, have been put into their categories which dictates what femininity is or is not. Supposedly, we have strength in our hair. I have to laugh at that. I feel stronger without it surprisingly so! Either way, I want to take the mystery and the FEAR out of this process. My tape is rather raw at times with the conversations we are sharing among each other. There is senses of humor going on to lighten the situation for me. There was nervous laughter at times from me as well as others in the room. Everyone had their different comfort levels that you will notice. There are good moments, sad moments, happy moments, supportive moments, freaky moments -- that's what makes this so real. It's going to come to you unedited. I want this completely honest from MY perspective. And that's what this is. For ME, this is what I needed to go through. I do not suggest at all that this would work for others; but at least it's there to see and hopefully, gleen some insight into what people can go through. It's an easy process overall, but emotionally, I don't believe it ruins a person. I say this because we are stronger than hair; I am not defined by this disease. And if I need to lose my hair to gain my life back, then so be it. HAIR GROWS BACK. And I'm not going to waste anymore time mourning my hair.
When we got to the final stages of chopping my hair off on the sides and leaving a butch haircut on top (which I did not like the look at all) we took a break. Had to -- just needed to take one more really big cleansing breath to do the final cuts. We took more pics; laughed a lot at this look -- no not my cup of tea to say the least. Then Sanny said, "Let's do it now and take the rest off; what do you think?" I nodded in the affirmative (yes) and said, "Let's do it already." And he did as I commanded. He got the shaving shears and turned that puppy on and took my hair down ultimately to about 1/8 inch around my head. Had to clean it up so there were no stragglers hanging around. But it was done. It felt so weird because my hair folicles were in a pattern around my head and lay in that pattern. A bit on the sensitive side. Doesn't hurt at all -- just sensitive when I ran my hand across my head. It felt so different. We talked about the fact that I would need to wash this and put a good conditioner on my scalp. I have psoriasis in my scalp area but happily no lesions or anything that is gross. I had big time fear that I was going to have disgusting red and seepy patches all over my scalp. But I don't! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I know inquiring minds want to know: what's the shape of my head. I'm happy to report I have a very nice and proportional head. It's so nice and shapely and my ears are perfectly proportioned to my head. Wow, I got a break on this one! THANK YOU GOD! But more importantly, Thank you Mom and Dad for creating me.
The conversation stopped and we just observed my cranium. From my perspective, I didn't expect to get the reactions I did from the gallery that was present. This inlcuded my daughter, Amy, who was on SKYPE. Loreto is a photographer and he was going on about the artistic side of my head. I was so surprised how happy everyone was for me. They got to the point of gushing about me. Kept on telling my my eyes and cheekbones pop out; how young I look; that I'm hot (that came from Jim big time!). About that time they all said,"Ok, maybe we need to give Lynn and Jim some private time." LOL! No, it didn't happen. Then they wanted to know my opinion: well, since I was the recipient, I was still processing this. Yes, my brain was clicking away it's movie of the look and I was staring and smiling. I have to say, this is what you get. I cannot hide myself under my hair. This is me. This is the new Lynn. I guess this is my right of passage. I thought when I turned 50 years old that that was the right of passage. No, I would say shaving your head is a right of passage big time. Suddenly, I was thinking about my make-up, big bangly earrings, scarves and hats. And NO WAY do I want to cover my head with a wig -- at least not at this time. I think that would be so fake for me. I feel that I want the GENUINE Lynn to be seen for who and what I am. And it doesn't get much more up in front like this. I'm not doing this for shock purposes, but this is for me. Please see me for who I really am. You can judge me; go right ahead. Assume what you want or must. Bottom line for me: I frankly do give a crap what you think. I feel pretty darned happy and liberated by this. It's not what I expected myself to feel. But I do feel FREE; I mean REALLY FREE. I'm tickled that I don't have to deal with the dead hair on my head. I'm thinking about all the money I'm saving not coloring or cutting presently; the hair care products are a savings as well. Yes, this is temporary. When I'm finished with chemo and then with radiation, my hair will come back. And then it's really going to get interesting. What and how will it come back as? GREY? Curly? STRAIGHT? From what I see now, I have salt and pepper hair around the front. Well, if I like it, I may keep it that way. This would be, in my opinion, the time to allow this to stay when it's coming back fresh and new. I don't want to look the way I used to. Considering what I'm going through, I can never be the same. I am not the same. I will never be the same again. There are lessons I'm learning daily. I must pay attention to them. Once again, this is MY journey. And I have to say again, there are more blessings that have come out of this horror than there negatives. I will get to the other side of this disease and come back even stronger. My insecurities are fading away quickly. And I don't know why. But they are. What a good sense of self and what a good sense of relief. I don't carry many burdens in my heart the way I was. I'm more grateful than anything.
Since the hair shave, I've been out in the public a few times. The first one was to take Woody, my dog, on his morning walk. Now, remember I'm still recovering from the port removal, so my right arm is still needing to be taken care of and elevated, etc, but I am seeing improvement; and as my doc pointed out to me day before yesterday, my body was really compromised by this clot, so it's going to take a while, but it will recover. So anyway, my walk was short, but I watched a video from YouTube about how to wrap my head with a scarf. Got some great ideas from a couple women and tried my version. I wrapped my head up and to my surprise, it stayed on my head! I did a great job. I look rather exotic. I even put some large earrings on and took off with my dog for his walk in the field. I noticed I walked very straight and tall. Not cocky, just taller. Felt good. We did out thing and came back to the house. I took my scarf off and I let my head breathe. It was a warm day out but I stayed in the house to avoid any sun rays that could burn my head and I needed to rest anyway. I like it with my head exposed. But I will place sunscreen on my head. The skin is very sensitive. Later on in the day, Jim took me to lunch to a beautiful winery called Calloway. What a gorgeous lunch and it felt so good to be among the living! I changed my scarf to a silk scarf and made a twisted rosette to the side of my head. It turned out way cute. I can't believe how much fun I'm having twisting the scarves into different designs. It's so easy and fun. At the restaurant, I was treated just like everyone else: with respect and dignity which is the way it should be. But you can't help feel a little self-conscious. For the most part no one really cared; I did notice a couple double-takes. But I would do that too. It didn't bother me in the least. And if anyone decides to ask questions, I'm completely comfortable in answering any and or all their questions within reason. I also had to do some grocery shopping and that when very well.
Today Ashley and Sanford and I hung out in Encinitas. I had no idea what a cool coastal town it is. So great and very earthy So. Cal style. We had a blast. WE went to a knittery store called The Black Sheep. Talk about over the top yarns! Oh, yeah, I had to buy more stash. GORGEOUS. It made me sweat I got so thrilled out of my brains! For those of you who don't know me, I love, love, love to knit and crochet. It's my ZEN!!!! I don't think I can ever have enough of the organic yarns and gorgeous colors. I don't buy all organics, but I love the unusual. I love the textures and I try to figure out who would love this particular yarn either in a scarf or socks, or fingerless gloves (I'm still needing help) but that's ok. I try. I love my time with knitting. I also like to felt hand bags. I have to say I have created some gorgeous bags, but they do take a bit of money and they take time. But they are addicting. I'm about due again to knit a bag up. But been waiting for my arm to improve so I can. It'll take some time and I will be back in the saddle again.
Needless, to say, I will be back to that knitting shop. Love, love, love it! Gotta go if you are there.
Ok. Wondering why I'm writing at almost 3am in the morning? Well, I have Chemo today @ 10:30am down at my Scripp's Medical Center with my oncologist, Dr. Bernstein. Love this man. And I love Regan more! My nurse. Anyway, I was corrected by the doc and he told me I take the Dexamethazone for the Taxere chemo drug i take to avoid allergic reactions to that particular chemo. I stand corrected. I thought it was for the Adrimiacin. Now, last time he and I talked he was going to removed that drug out of the equation, but since that conversation he has changed his mind. He will examine me to see how far down the tumors from come down; he will then make changes to the drug as needed. So I still may get the Adrimiacin yet. (CRAP) that one is a mean drug. I broke out big time, diarrhea ville, loss of hair, fatigue and a change up in my taste buds somewhat. Not to bad there. So we'll see what happens. The will draw my blood and check my blood panel such as white and red blood cells, hemoglobin, liver, etc. I hope I'm doing well. I feel pretty darned good. But we'll see. I'm am caustiously optomistic. Cannot be glib about chemo. So after this treatment, I will have 4 more treatments! YEAH.
We leave here around 9am cuz I have an appointment with my surgeon for post-op to see how I'm healing and discuss a couple other items. I have been eating well so I have not dropped anymore weight. I now way 152 lbs. (down 13 lbs. total) I have been told that I need some fighting weight still. But my clothes are fitting great and no big muffin tops are around! Yippee Skippee. I defninitely feel better about being in my clothes.
Will keep you all posted as to how the treatment goes this time. Not going to bring my knitting this time because I have to rest my arm. but there is plenty for me to do. I will pack some food to munch on while I hang around. The procedure should take about 2 hrs if all goes well into my veins and I don't suspect any issues to arise.
I continue to ask for as many prayers, good energy and good thoughts as possible. I do feel each and everyone of them. I can't thank you enough.
I'll be in touch in the next couple days. This weekend is going to be a good one and that's what i'm gearing up for.
Take care and I send big hugs and kisses out to all.
Yes, I'm doing ok. I'm ready again. And I can't wait to hear from the doc that he's happy my tumors are responding so well. My surgeon couldn't believe when he felt my tumors how small they are now. He kept on saying, "Wonderful, Lynn; this is simply wonderful." See, miracles happen and I know partly it's because of all the positvity and prayers!!!! There is power big time in prayers.
So with that, yes, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
Sunday, April 24, 2011
TO NEW BEGINNINGS: HAPPY EASTER!
Today is a very special day -- it's Easter. I absolutely love this time of year. Always the new beginnings of something, whether it be new gardening plantings, new baby livestock, new everything. Love this time of year. It's fresh and new. And biblically speaking, it's new life in the spiritual journey.
Today is a little more momentous for me personally. I've been talking a couple times now that my hair has decided to fall out. Last night my hair was everywhere. I mean in hands, clothes, couch, pillows, everywhere! Awful. I have it twisted upward. I did "brush" it yesterday afternoon which proved to be a little intense for me. I don't have bald spots surprisingly. I have a broadcast of even hair loss. I guess that's good? Who knows and frankly, who cares. It's falling out either way. It even feels dead on my head. Doesn't hurt, just feels detached now.
So my dear, dear friend Sanny is here visiting and he will be doing the honors today of either cutting my hair into a really short "do" or shaving it completely. We'll see. However, the inevitable is here. I'm not really laughing about this one. I am wrapping my brain around all this. I've done all the intellectual things such as the justification why this is happening; why my hair is falling out; what does it mean to me; what am I really comfortable with on my head; will I wear a wig; will I only wear hats and bandanas. Either way, I guess this is part of the journey. This is going to be, once again, a day by day thing.
I'm wondering what my cranium is going to look like truly. Some people have these beautiful heads. Not so sure mine will be that. I have so many inperfections already and let's just say I am afraid to see them unveiled. I have psoriasis around my scalp area. Isn't that lovely. I guess I will see if there are any little patches throughout my cranium that is usually covered by my hair. But then again, I think the exposure will be good for my skin. Who knows, I will have to read up more on all this and then by trial and error I will figure it out. I do know that my scalp will be sensitive -- not sure for how long, but that too will be dealt with.
So all, I will be looking quite different. I've seen many a woman out there showing their "baldness" and I have to say I always have said to myself as I pass them by, "Oh, bless her heart." Once again, I'm in this new sorority that I really don't want to be a part of. It really hasn't changed for me regarding this, but at least I am not fearful any longer. I guess there is progress there. I am in the process of truly redefining myself. Almost makes me feel as though I'm a pupa in the process of changing into a butterfly that will go out and show it's true beauty later. I hope to live a lot longer than a butterfly though! LOL. I'm sure I will.
Either way, today is that special day. Wish me luck. Not feeling emotional just kind of mindful and being aware of this fact. Should be interesting if I do fall apart or not. Won't know till I'm there, I guess. All I know is this: I'm going to feel what I will; not going to gloss it over; just feel whatever it is at the time. No expectations. That's a huge step for me. I'm such a control freak. Letting go of so much has been this walk of reality that has been quite the learning curve for me. Just trusting in others is biggy for me. Relying on others is a biggy. In my famous way of saying it: IT IS WHAT IT IS. Dragging that one through the dirt a bit, but it's the truth.
OK. I'm done for now. I'm chilling here with my family and dogs. Still recovering from my port removal. The arm still has to heal obviously cuz it's still turning colors. I guess this is going to take some time. But I'm using the ice packs and being good girl.
I wish all this glorious sacred day a beautiful and wonderful Easter. Tell your loved ones how much you care about them. Say those words to them. They are so very important! Just a smile is like the greatest gift sometimes. I know smiles really brighten my days! I love receiving them!
Hanging in there and ready for my next challenges. Yup, my cup's still half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
Today is a little more momentous for me personally. I've been talking a couple times now that my hair has decided to fall out. Last night my hair was everywhere. I mean in hands, clothes, couch, pillows, everywhere! Awful. I have it twisted upward. I did "brush" it yesterday afternoon which proved to be a little intense for me. I don't have bald spots surprisingly. I have a broadcast of even hair loss. I guess that's good? Who knows and frankly, who cares. It's falling out either way. It even feels dead on my head. Doesn't hurt, just feels detached now.
So my dear, dear friend Sanny is here visiting and he will be doing the honors today of either cutting my hair into a really short "do" or shaving it completely. We'll see. However, the inevitable is here. I'm not really laughing about this one. I am wrapping my brain around all this. I've done all the intellectual things such as the justification why this is happening; why my hair is falling out; what does it mean to me; what am I really comfortable with on my head; will I wear a wig; will I only wear hats and bandanas. Either way, I guess this is part of the journey. This is going to be, once again, a day by day thing.
I'm wondering what my cranium is going to look like truly. Some people have these beautiful heads. Not so sure mine will be that. I have so many inperfections already and let's just say I am afraid to see them unveiled. I have psoriasis around my scalp area. Isn't that lovely. I guess I will see if there are any little patches throughout my cranium that is usually covered by my hair. But then again, I think the exposure will be good for my skin. Who knows, I will have to read up more on all this and then by trial and error I will figure it out. I do know that my scalp will be sensitive -- not sure for how long, but that too will be dealt with.
So all, I will be looking quite different. I've seen many a woman out there showing their "baldness" and I have to say I always have said to myself as I pass them by, "Oh, bless her heart." Once again, I'm in this new sorority that I really don't want to be a part of. It really hasn't changed for me regarding this, but at least I am not fearful any longer. I guess there is progress there. I am in the process of truly redefining myself. Almost makes me feel as though I'm a pupa in the process of changing into a butterfly that will go out and show it's true beauty later. I hope to live a lot longer than a butterfly though! LOL. I'm sure I will.
Either way, today is that special day. Wish me luck. Not feeling emotional just kind of mindful and being aware of this fact. Should be interesting if I do fall apart or not. Won't know till I'm there, I guess. All I know is this: I'm going to feel what I will; not going to gloss it over; just feel whatever it is at the time. No expectations. That's a huge step for me. I'm such a control freak. Letting go of so much has been this walk of reality that has been quite the learning curve for me. Just trusting in others is biggy for me. Relying on others is a biggy. In my famous way of saying it: IT IS WHAT IT IS. Dragging that one through the dirt a bit, but it's the truth.
OK. I'm done for now. I'm chilling here with my family and dogs. Still recovering from my port removal. The arm still has to heal obviously cuz it's still turning colors. I guess this is going to take some time. But I'm using the ice packs and being good girl.
I wish all this glorious sacred day a beautiful and wonderful Easter. Tell your loved ones how much you care about them. Say those words to them. They are so very important! Just a smile is like the greatest gift sometimes. I know smiles really brighten my days! I love receiving them!
Hanging in there and ready for my next challenges. Yup, my cup's still half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Getting the Port removed
I head off to Scripp's this morning for my port removal. Considering it's pretty much a holy day, a day of holy obligation, I feel pretty good about this day.
I cannot wait to get this thing out of my body because it's caused so many issues. I have one week till my next chemo appointment (Treatment #2).This is completely reminiscent of my first chemo treatment -- I had just had the port placed into my body. Now, chemo #2, I will have the port out of my body. Go figure.
I'm not afraid, I just want this out. I ask this:
Please pray for me and my family; please keep us in your good thoughts; please send only good energy our way. Thanks again. I will see all and talk to you later. Off we go to La Jolla. As we travel down, I will be head banging to some Bon Jovi, Luther Vandross, or whatever happens to fill my yen for that moment! Might even be my HSU Calypso Band music!
Ciao! Ciao
PS. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! This is the time of year of new beginnings. I love this time of year -- even more than Christmas. May you all be able to enjoy your families and dear friends. May it be filled with only love & happiness.
I cannot wait to get this thing out of my body because it's caused so many issues. I have one week till my next chemo appointment (Treatment #2).This is completely reminiscent of my first chemo treatment -- I had just had the port placed into my body. Now, chemo #2, I will have the port out of my body. Go figure.
I'm not afraid, I just want this out. I ask this:
Please pray for me and my family; please keep us in your good thoughts; please send only good energy our way. Thanks again. I will see all and talk to you later. Off we go to La Jolla. As we travel down, I will be head banging to some Bon Jovi, Luther Vandross, or whatever happens to fill my yen for that moment! Might even be my HSU Calypso Band music!
Ciao! Ciao
PS. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! This is the time of year of new beginnings. I love this time of year -- even more than Christmas. May you all be able to enjoy your families and dear friends. May it be filled with only love & happiness.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Balding is on it's way........
Haven't wrote in a couple days but I really had nothing that is notable. I am waiting to hear back from my doctor about scheduling my removal of the port. And I certainly cannot wait till this happens. My body is really tired. Honestly, if it weren't for this clot issue in my right arm right now, I would be doing so well. But because of this issue, my body is working so much harder (heart) and I have to pretty much limit my physical activity because my arm is pretty much always purple which makes my skin very tight and my hand, once again, looks like I've been pumping iron. And I so wish I were pumping that iron. I'm beginning to notice some atrophy in my arms and legs. So frustrating. Anyway, I pretty much do what I can around the house such as a little laundry or try to make my bed or unload/load dishwasher, wash dishes by hand, etc., but it's not my usual routine. I hate, hate, hate this dependency feeling. Will have to address this issue soon because I can't expect Jim to be constantly keeping up the way I do around this house. He has other commitments going on. But we'll get it worked out.
So I had the most wonderful modified massage today. Thanks to my next door neighbor, Kelli, I was able to go to my appointment. What a star she is. She is my hero of the day! Without any kind of hesitation, that sweetie pie gave up a portion of her morning for me. What a love bug she is! We had a chance to have girl talk which was fun and for a brief period of time, I felt so normal. Thank you my love! You are my new star! KISSES!
My massage released some toxins from my body. I've really been flushing my system today which is a great thing. So, while I was hanging out this afternoon, I ran my fingers through my hair (which I haven't washed in a few days -- yes, I haven't oh well!) and I came out with a handful of HAIR. I've been trying to get myself prepared. I did pretty good overall. When I saw the cluster of hair, I said, "Uh, Oh, I got my question answered, I'm going to lose my hair afterall." Then I had a moment of needing to breathe a big cleansing breath. I didn't cry. I just started combing my fingers through my hair. I almost started to laugh. It's that or go into massive spasm crying which I'm really sick of. So I kept on laughing. What a FREAK of NATURE I am. Who laughs at losing their hair? No, I have no bald spots, but it's significantly thinner. I ended up texting my hubby first. He was so wonderful. I won't tell you his reply, but suffice it to say, he's going to make it all better. LOL. I asked him for his help to wash my hair upon his arrival home.
Jim get's home and into the shower we both go. Yup, we are fun that way. We're like a couple of Banobo's! LOL. Then it began with the shampooing. OH, DEAR GOD, clusters of hair. Now, understand this, I have a lot of hair. I mean a lot. And thank God for that, because I still have hair. But we got a lot of hair off my head. I had hair in places that it shouldn't be getting caught after rinsing my head. Then it happened, the little girl in me came out --- I blubbered. I buried my face into my hubby's chest. He's so amazing and so strong for me. It calmed me down again to let it out and feel what I was feeling -- sheer disgust and in awe that it's happening. I'm trying to visualize myself. Between my pimples and losing my hair, what a freaking BABE I am. He's the luckiest guy on the face of this earth! LOL!! I'm the whole package. LOL. I know, I can't help this feeling? He still loves me no matter what. If we can go through something like this with a sense of purpose and honor for one another, then I think we most definitely are on the right path. Plus, we've been happily married 28 years this June 25. Been together 29 years. Funny thing, which i have shared with many a friend, I was never going to get married, let alone be a mother. I truly didn't think any man could handle me or tolerate my very strong persona. As they say, "When you least expect it."
Yes, I had a brief marriage way back when I was 20 years old. It lasted a whole 10 months. So that one doesn't count. Jim and I have shared a lifetime so far together. Longer than we lived with our own families.
And we still LIKE each other. It's not to say we haven't had our difficulties, cuz we've had -- who hasn't, right? But through it all, we are stuck with one another gleefully! With that, my poor husband will be sleeping with a new baldy pretty soon -- and he isn't even balding! LOL~ Oh, well.
I'm now interested in know and will ultimately see, if my cranium is an ugly one or not? Oh, well, I will wear it well! LOL. I also have psoriasis around my scalp from time to time -- that's going to be interesting to see if that goes away. I hope it spares me more imperfections. But if not, this too shall pass.
Of course, I know all about the wigs, hats, scarves, etc. It's going to be blazing hot down here this summer. And, oh, yeah, I already have a DO RAG!!! LOL!!! Got that one from Patrick -- Ash's very special love in her life. So I'm good to go. For those who do not know, the scalp will be extremely sensitive so I need something as a buffer between my hat and scalp -- hence my DO RAG concept. LOL!!! We'll see. I might have to sport some interesting bandanas, and possible the wig. We'll see about that one. Who knows.
So there you have it. Yet another step. I continue to ask for your prayers and good and positive thoughts.
I feel them so much. It's amazing feeling. Everyday I am getting stronger emotionally. I just can't wait to get this foreign object out of my body now. Enough is enough. Will keep you posted.
Till then, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
So I had the most wonderful modified massage today. Thanks to my next door neighbor, Kelli, I was able to go to my appointment. What a star she is. She is my hero of the day! Without any kind of hesitation, that sweetie pie gave up a portion of her morning for me. What a love bug she is! We had a chance to have girl talk which was fun and for a brief period of time, I felt so normal. Thank you my love! You are my new star! KISSES!
My massage released some toxins from my body. I've really been flushing my system today which is a great thing. So, while I was hanging out this afternoon, I ran my fingers through my hair (which I haven't washed in a few days -- yes, I haven't oh well!) and I came out with a handful of HAIR. I've been trying to get myself prepared. I did pretty good overall. When I saw the cluster of hair, I said, "Uh, Oh, I got my question answered, I'm going to lose my hair afterall." Then I had a moment of needing to breathe a big cleansing breath. I didn't cry. I just started combing my fingers through my hair. I almost started to laugh. It's that or go into massive spasm crying which I'm really sick of. So I kept on laughing. What a FREAK of NATURE I am. Who laughs at losing their hair? No, I have no bald spots, but it's significantly thinner. I ended up texting my hubby first. He was so wonderful. I won't tell you his reply, but suffice it to say, he's going to make it all better. LOL. I asked him for his help to wash my hair upon his arrival home.
Jim get's home and into the shower we both go. Yup, we are fun that way. We're like a couple of Banobo's! LOL. Then it began with the shampooing. OH, DEAR GOD, clusters of hair. Now, understand this, I have a lot of hair. I mean a lot. And thank God for that, because I still have hair. But we got a lot of hair off my head. I had hair in places that it shouldn't be getting caught after rinsing my head. Then it happened, the little girl in me came out --- I blubbered. I buried my face into my hubby's chest. He's so amazing and so strong for me. It calmed me down again to let it out and feel what I was feeling -- sheer disgust and in awe that it's happening. I'm trying to visualize myself. Between my pimples and losing my hair, what a freaking BABE I am. He's the luckiest guy on the face of this earth! LOL!! I'm the whole package. LOL. I know, I can't help this feeling? He still loves me no matter what. If we can go through something like this with a sense of purpose and honor for one another, then I think we most definitely are on the right path. Plus, we've been happily married 28 years this June 25. Been together 29 years. Funny thing, which i have shared with many a friend, I was never going to get married, let alone be a mother. I truly didn't think any man could handle me or tolerate my very strong persona. As they say, "When you least expect it."
Yes, I had a brief marriage way back when I was 20 years old. It lasted a whole 10 months. So that one doesn't count. Jim and I have shared a lifetime so far together. Longer than we lived with our own families.
And we still LIKE each other. It's not to say we haven't had our difficulties, cuz we've had -- who hasn't, right? But through it all, we are stuck with one another gleefully! With that, my poor husband will be sleeping with a new baldy pretty soon -- and he isn't even balding! LOL~ Oh, well.
I'm now interested in know and will ultimately see, if my cranium is an ugly one or not? Oh, well, I will wear it well! LOL. I also have psoriasis around my scalp from time to time -- that's going to be interesting to see if that goes away. I hope it spares me more imperfections. But if not, this too shall pass.
Of course, I know all about the wigs, hats, scarves, etc. It's going to be blazing hot down here this summer. And, oh, yeah, I already have a DO RAG!!! LOL!!! Got that one from Patrick -- Ash's very special love in her life. So I'm good to go. For those who do not know, the scalp will be extremely sensitive so I need something as a buffer between my hat and scalp -- hence my DO RAG concept. LOL!!! We'll see. I might have to sport some interesting bandanas, and possible the wig. We'll see about that one. Who knows.
So there you have it. Yet another step. I continue to ask for your prayers and good and positive thoughts.
I feel them so much. It's amazing feeling. Everyday I am getting stronger emotionally. I just can't wait to get this foreign object out of my body now. Enough is enough. Will keep you posted.
Till then, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Let's be FLEXIBLE
This is a rather quick update. As we all now know, I've had this superficial vein clot going on for at least the past week. I've done all that the docs have wanted me to do. As of this past weekend, my arm still required being elevated almost constantly. no matter what I did, it still turns this purple color as it is currently as I type. Periodically I raise my arm as though I'm trying to request permission to do something or better yet, the 70's show with John Travolta -- Vinnie Bobarino -- Welcome Back Cotter -- with Horshack stretching his right arm up and shouting: Ooh -- oooh--ooh--oooh - for those of you who are old enough does it conjure up the memories somewhat? Anyway, that's what I've had to do. Very tired of this! Very, very, very difficult to live this way. That's if you want to move around at all.
So I put in a call to my Dream Team to let them know the latest -- and it isn't working for me any longer......
I get the call back from my Oncologist, Dr. B. He simply said, he wants it to come out. This is not working and I shouldn't have to go through this any longer.
He also brought up to me that he had rechecked my PET scan a couple times and that he believes that I have a ittty-bitty lymp node that has cancer in between my breast bone and heart artery. OK. Before we all stop breathing -- BREATHE....................I did..........Our family knew about this from the first time results, but it was dismissed somewhat due to it's size. It's a blip literally -- HOWEVER, reality dictates a bit of a change in my chemo as well as my future radiation schedule. The good news my diagnosis is NOT changed. My course of action is not change; the fact I want and now MUST have a bilateral masectomy is and was the correct decision I have made for myself. He also went on to say that this changes the use of the 3rd chemo drug, which by the way is the worst one to be one because up to 5% can get weakened heart muscles surrounding the heart due to it's use to fight cancer. So he's taking me off that one!!!!! I only have to use 2 chemo drugs now!!!!!! 2 only. Thank you God! Thank you God! We will also be able to be very exacting as to the type of radiation I will have to endure. I asked him if it's in my bone -- breast bone -- he said, "NO." It's a blip and its confined to the node only! (Lynn dodges yet another bullet! WWWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEE!!!) I know for some we could look at it from a different angle by saying, "Yah, but..............." Go ahead go there, I won't because it's not necessary. This cancer is what it is. We are nuking it currently and we will really nuke that area later.
The best thing is my guy -- my Dr. B is very, very focused on this and he's ready for action! I just love him. I love that he is that thorough, articulate, paying attention to DETAILS, and that he revisited this PET Scan not once but twice! He's not glib or cavalier. He's spot on and he's watching -- so am I -- I must add! PHEW! Can we always say such words about our docs? I know I haven't been able to in the past! NO WAY.
The fact my body is responding really quickly to just one treatment is amazing. I can't feel my tumor in my underarm today. It's there but it's not protruding, it's very small -- marble size today. Before it was over an egg size. I can't wait for my docs to FEEL ME! LOL!!! Jim just verified and he's jumping for joy! Me, too! So the chemo is working. As brutal as this beast is, this is what you want. This is the goal. Seek and destroy! And I have to say, the power of prayer is GLORIOUS!!! JUST GLORIOUS!!! THANK YOU!!! All the masses and prayers once again are paying off. If you need proof, here I am! I'm not going anywhere.
I also blew up with freakin zits all around my chin, upper lip -- Oh, Yeah, every woman's nightmare! I mean nightmare. They also hurt. Turns out this is a side effect of the chemo drug that I will no longer be taking! Yippee!!!! One more reason. I tell you these drugs are brutal on your body.
Oh, yes, for inquiring minds, I still have my hair! Not sure for how long, but then again, maybe with this change in chemo drugs (less) maybe I'll get to keep my hair!!!! Not sure, but one can hope, right? We'll see. Either way, I have a game plan. Ever the planner.
Now, presently, I suspect I will be in surgery by the end of the week. Oh, goody, just in time for EASTER.
Oh, well, if it means getting rid of that F%$&*** port, then so be it. It was an easy procedure due to the expertise of Dr. Hyde --so let's hope it's even better coming out. Now, the clot will need time to dissipate completely, but that's ok.
My chemo treatments will be IV through my LEFT arm. They ususally don't like to administer the chemo in or near the area "affected." But due to my CLOT in my right arm, can't due any chemo there. But due to the fact I have less chemo, only 2 rather than 3, I should be good to go. I guess I'm making them a believer that if there is anything that is going to happen, it could and might with Lynn. So they won't be taking any more chances. I should be hearing from my docs in the next couple days. We'll see how Dr. Hyde wants to proceed as well. All I know is, if I could go in tomorrow to get this thing out of my body, I would go in tomorrow first thing. Get this out of me. Just like the cancer, I want it out. All in due time.
That's what I know presently. I hope all of you are doing well. Keep loving your lives and loving your families and don't be afraid to tell someone how you truly feel. Be open, because one never knows. I plan on being here for a long while. I'm still doing what I have to do.
Oh, yeah, and I got to eat almost normal today and I got to go for a walk with energy! My dog, Woody, and I went into the field near my home -- I kept on smiling and thanking God and angels for all my blessings. And thanking him for my energy return. It felt so wonderful. Truly, without your health, you have nothing.
Ok. Today my Cup's Half full. Maybe even fuller.....That's nice to say and feel.
Ciao, Ciao.
So I put in a call to my Dream Team to let them know the latest -- and it isn't working for me any longer......
I get the call back from my Oncologist, Dr. B. He simply said, he wants it to come out. This is not working and I shouldn't have to go through this any longer.
He also brought up to me that he had rechecked my PET scan a couple times and that he believes that I have a ittty-bitty lymp node that has cancer in between my breast bone and heart artery. OK. Before we all stop breathing -- BREATHE....................I did..........Our family knew about this from the first time results, but it was dismissed somewhat due to it's size. It's a blip literally -- HOWEVER, reality dictates a bit of a change in my chemo as well as my future radiation schedule. The good news my diagnosis is NOT changed. My course of action is not change; the fact I want and now MUST have a bilateral masectomy is and was the correct decision I have made for myself. He also went on to say that this changes the use of the 3rd chemo drug, which by the way is the worst one to be one because up to 5% can get weakened heart muscles surrounding the heart due to it's use to fight cancer. So he's taking me off that one!!!!! I only have to use 2 chemo drugs now!!!!!! 2 only. Thank you God! Thank you God! We will also be able to be very exacting as to the type of radiation I will have to endure. I asked him if it's in my bone -- breast bone -- he said, "NO." It's a blip and its confined to the node only! (Lynn dodges yet another bullet! WWWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEE!!!) I know for some we could look at it from a different angle by saying, "Yah, but..............." Go ahead go there, I won't because it's not necessary. This cancer is what it is. We are nuking it currently and we will really nuke that area later.
The best thing is my guy -- my Dr. B is very, very focused on this and he's ready for action! I just love him. I love that he is that thorough, articulate, paying attention to DETAILS, and that he revisited this PET Scan not once but twice! He's not glib or cavalier. He's spot on and he's watching -- so am I -- I must add! PHEW! Can we always say such words about our docs? I know I haven't been able to in the past! NO WAY.
The fact my body is responding really quickly to just one treatment is amazing. I can't feel my tumor in my underarm today. It's there but it's not protruding, it's very small -- marble size today. Before it was over an egg size. I can't wait for my docs to FEEL ME! LOL!!! Jim just verified and he's jumping for joy! Me, too! So the chemo is working. As brutal as this beast is, this is what you want. This is the goal. Seek and destroy! And I have to say, the power of prayer is GLORIOUS!!! JUST GLORIOUS!!! THANK YOU!!! All the masses and prayers once again are paying off. If you need proof, here I am! I'm not going anywhere.
I also blew up with freakin zits all around my chin, upper lip -- Oh, Yeah, every woman's nightmare! I mean nightmare. They also hurt. Turns out this is a side effect of the chemo drug that I will no longer be taking! Yippee!!!! One more reason. I tell you these drugs are brutal on your body.
Oh, yes, for inquiring minds, I still have my hair! Not sure for how long, but then again, maybe with this change in chemo drugs (less) maybe I'll get to keep my hair!!!! Not sure, but one can hope, right? We'll see. Either way, I have a game plan. Ever the planner.
Now, presently, I suspect I will be in surgery by the end of the week. Oh, goody, just in time for EASTER.
Oh, well, if it means getting rid of that F%$&*** port, then so be it. It was an easy procedure due to the expertise of Dr. Hyde --so let's hope it's even better coming out. Now, the clot will need time to dissipate completely, but that's ok.
My chemo treatments will be IV through my LEFT arm. They ususally don't like to administer the chemo in or near the area "affected." But due to my CLOT in my right arm, can't due any chemo there. But due to the fact I have less chemo, only 2 rather than 3, I should be good to go. I guess I'm making them a believer that if there is anything that is going to happen, it could and might with Lynn. So they won't be taking any more chances. I should be hearing from my docs in the next couple days. We'll see how Dr. Hyde wants to proceed as well. All I know is, if I could go in tomorrow to get this thing out of my body, I would go in tomorrow first thing. Get this out of me. Just like the cancer, I want it out. All in due time.
That's what I know presently. I hope all of you are doing well. Keep loving your lives and loving your families and don't be afraid to tell someone how you truly feel. Be open, because one never knows. I plan on being here for a long while. I'm still doing what I have to do.
Oh, yeah, and I got to eat almost normal today and I got to go for a walk with energy! My dog, Woody, and I went into the field near my home -- I kept on smiling and thanking God and angels for all my blessings. And thanking him for my energy return. It felt so wonderful. Truly, without your health, you have nothing.
Ok. Today my Cup's Half full. Maybe even fuller.....That's nice to say and feel.
Ciao, Ciao.
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