Yes, it's true. I just finished my chemo 4 treatment. No surprises other than they cut back a little more off Taxere to help me deal with my mouth issues -- I was experiencing mouth sores, but then last time they cut it back, but then I developed the strangest roughness that stopped me from being able to taste anything. So strange. It was as though I had a bad coating of fat all around my gums and not able to taste anything. Then it through my tastebuds way off. We will see if this new adjustment will make a difference.
The biggest and best news of all was the fact that BOTH docs agreed my tumors have shrunk more! I felt like busting out with tears. But all I could do was smile and just enjoy those words. I cannot believe I would love hearing: SHRINKAGE!!! But I love it. I love it so much. The craziness of all this toxic chemo is working, but more than that, I know all the prayers, good positive thoughts, great energy coming my way and all that LOVE is helping me! I know that in my soul. So amazing. Wow, what a roller coaster ride this is. I would never have believed it to this great degree how much I go up and down. Part of the process.
I gave my oncologist, Dr. B, my list of side effects and he stated they are all normal side effects -- oh joy. But at least there is nothing that is too daunting to deal with.
The docs also loved the fact my lymphodema PT is working. They saw the reduction in my swelling. I have a ways to go, of course, to get back to normal, but it's well on its way.
So now I will be very restful and take it easier for the next 5 days because this is the time that I have quite a bit of chemo in me. It really does slog a person down -- at least this person feels that way. I have learned to go with it. But no nausea.
One thing my oncologist told me that now in this stage of the game I may -- May-- not cast in stone, develop a tingling sensation in my fingers and/or toes. If this happens, they will take away the Taxere. Fine with me. But I may not see any of this. But at this phase of the chemo treatments, this can occur. Please, don't let it happen. I just have 2 more chemos and I want to coast this out without any incidents. So close now.
After all the chemos, I get 4 weeks off maybe a little more, but most likely 4 weeks. I will then have my bi-lateral mastectomy plus the removal of the affected lymph nodes from my left underarm.(axillary). I will be meeting my reconstructive plastic surgeon sometime in July. The team is starting to get ready for my planof attack.
I am in the process of trying to get myself completely ready for this radical change in my life. It's not going to be a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination. You just don't lop these breasts off. It's a real big deal and I have to catch up with that fact. I realize I'm not DEFINED by my tah-tahs. But there is the other aspect to consider. I will be different. I am different now. I will have a sense of relief getting rid of the cancer. I will also have to have radiation on a part of my center chest area as well. Not sure what the plan is for that at this point, but I will have that going on soon after my surgery. A lot to take on and a lot to come to terms with. And I will. It's the journey. My journey and I have to figure this out. I will. I'm doing well and I feel I'm doing this in a very healthy and logical manner. It's not to say I don't mourn. I do. I do a lot at times. But it's not for the vanity issues at all. They have been a part of me all my life. I had the honor of being able to nurse both of my daughters. I feel so blessed to have had that opportunity to give this to both of my daughters in the beginning of their lives. So beautiful, so bonding, so well-worth it. I am eternally grateful for this gift. But now it's different. It's survival -- literally. So that is my choice and I'm at peace with this decision.
I was also given permission today to be able to travel up to see my mom and family/friends for a short trip up to Eureka! I imagine I'll be able to do so a couple weeks after my last chemo treatment! I am so excited about this. I need to see my mom before I go in for surgery. It's actually easier for me to travel to see her rather than have my 88 year-old mom travel to see me. She'll be safe in her home; a sense of security being in her own home and not having to deal with so much change. They can get so disoriented. This is why I need to see her up there. I'm missing my former home a bit. I feel I need to do this before my surgery. Boy, are you in for a surprise seeing my BALDNESS!!! LOL!! Oh, well. I feel so comfortable with this look. No wigs still. I just cannot do it. Too hot on the head and very odd for me. No way.
Yes, my Cup's Half Full! Hanging in there and hoping this go around with chemo won't be too dramatic. Who really knows? I will go with it -- can't help but have to go through it either way! Right?
Sending back love
Ciao, Ciao
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Lymphodema PT
I began my physical theraphy for my right arm this past Thursday. I was evaluated by Emily, my new PT for my swelling in my right arm. Very interesting to learn about how our bodies work with regard to our lymphatic system. I was given some homework to do over the weekend to get me started loosening up the swelling that is primarily in my upper arm & armpit area. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that all I need to do is lightly stroke the areas that are affected in a certain circular motion to get it to travel to the different lymphatic areas.
I went to my appointment today in Corona for my official first day of treatment on my right arm. It went really well. She knew I had was pretty diligent working on my affected area. She could tell by how much fluid was located in my armpit. She was able to move the fluid after about 30 minutes of a certain type of massage. Very interesting to say the least and it was really relaxing. She is letting me know my arm will improve, but it will take some time. Amazing how our bodies work and how long it takes to heal. No quick fixes; just a lot of diligence and consistency and follow-through in order for improvement. I don't mind it at all. I just want full use of my arm again without the swelling.
Overall, I'm feeling pretty normal right now (what is my new normal, that is). I took a rest today -- had a power nap and then was ready for the rest of the afternoon. Pretty much now, I must take rests and/or naps in order to make it through the day without becoming completely incapacitated. Still must keep up the fluids and make sure I have my little snacks nearby.
I have my 4th chemo treatment this Thursday, June 9. I begin, once again, with my anti-inflammatories tomorrow. I have truly grown to resent the heck out of those pills. I just don't like what it does to my body; but it does prevent me from major reactions to the Taxotere (chemo drug) I am administered. Boy, it keeps me awake so then I must take a sleeping pill. But I must say, the sleep aid I take is great because I do not have a hangover effect like I used to have with Tylenol PM.
I guess I'm rather quiet these days regarding the writing about my treatment. I can feel my tumors are shrinking and cannot wait for my docs to see the progress. I'm surprised how routine I'm feeling about this treatment. I'm doing what I can which is taking care of myself. I always feel guilt regarding how hard my family works for me. They insist and I have given up fighting them. There simply is no point in arguing or trying to prove something to myself when all it does is put me in a vulnerable situation in the longrun. So I go with the program anymore.
I, like others, simply want to have my life back and freedoms to come and go as we please. I must learn more patience and that is a daily battle for me. Everyone is living their lives. I sit here watching the grass grow. LOL.
But then I remember reality. But it's hard not to feel these feelings.
So for now, I'm status quo. Feeling strong and resting well. I get to do things outside the home for a few more hours which I savor! My prayers & positive attitude is stronger than ever and keeps me level of stress to minimum levels. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm already getting prepared for my surgery which will happen in mid August. I know this one is going to be a true test of my being. Lots of thoughts on this subject, but am not willing to write about it currently. I think it would exhaust me to go there currently -- not to mention I know my tears will start the flood-gates again and I don't want to do that now. Will touch on this subject later, but not now.
I am enjoying this beautiful weather -- don't like the wind, but could be worse.
I'm doing well and I hope for continued prayers, good thoughts and great energy coming from my extended friends and family.
Ciao! Ciao all!
I went to my appointment today in Corona for my official first day of treatment on my right arm. It went really well. She knew I had was pretty diligent working on my affected area. She could tell by how much fluid was located in my armpit. She was able to move the fluid after about 30 minutes of a certain type of massage. Very interesting to say the least and it was really relaxing. She is letting me know my arm will improve, but it will take some time. Amazing how our bodies work and how long it takes to heal. No quick fixes; just a lot of diligence and consistency and follow-through in order for improvement. I don't mind it at all. I just want full use of my arm again without the swelling.
Overall, I'm feeling pretty normal right now (what is my new normal, that is). I took a rest today -- had a power nap and then was ready for the rest of the afternoon. Pretty much now, I must take rests and/or naps in order to make it through the day without becoming completely incapacitated. Still must keep up the fluids and make sure I have my little snacks nearby.
I have my 4th chemo treatment this Thursday, June 9. I begin, once again, with my anti-inflammatories tomorrow. I have truly grown to resent the heck out of those pills. I just don't like what it does to my body; but it does prevent me from major reactions to the Taxotere (chemo drug) I am administered. Boy, it keeps me awake so then I must take a sleeping pill. But I must say, the sleep aid I take is great because I do not have a hangover effect like I used to have with Tylenol PM.
I guess I'm rather quiet these days regarding the writing about my treatment. I can feel my tumors are shrinking and cannot wait for my docs to see the progress. I'm surprised how routine I'm feeling about this treatment. I'm doing what I can which is taking care of myself. I always feel guilt regarding how hard my family works for me. They insist and I have given up fighting them. There simply is no point in arguing or trying to prove something to myself when all it does is put me in a vulnerable situation in the longrun. So I go with the program anymore.
I, like others, simply want to have my life back and freedoms to come and go as we please. I must learn more patience and that is a daily battle for me. Everyone is living their lives. I sit here watching the grass grow. LOL.
But then I remember reality. But it's hard not to feel these feelings.
So for now, I'm status quo. Feeling strong and resting well. I get to do things outside the home for a few more hours which I savor! My prayers & positive attitude is stronger than ever and keeps me level of stress to minimum levels. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm already getting prepared for my surgery which will happen in mid August. I know this one is going to be a true test of my being. Lots of thoughts on this subject, but am not willing to write about it currently. I think it would exhaust me to go there currently -- not to mention I know my tears will start the flood-gates again and I don't want to do that now. Will touch on this subject later, but not now.
I am enjoying this beautiful weather -- don't like the wind, but could be worse.
I'm doing well and I hope for continued prayers, good thoughts and great energy coming from my extended friends and family.
Ciao! Ciao all!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
On the mend
After being on the antibiotics for 4 days, I'm definitely on the mend. I managed to dodge a bullet by not needing to go the hospital afterall. I responded very quickly to the effects of the antibiotics. And I haven't gotten a yeast infection as of now, but am ready with ammo if I do start to feel those symptoms to rear their ugly little heads.
I do, however, have this lingering cough which I am watching closely. It's a big cough that exhausts me by the end of the day. I don't cough all day, thank goodness, but when I do cough, it's very intense. Today, I've begun to take a decongestant to see if this can assist in breaking it up.
Life has been very limited for me and am starting to climb the walls a bit. I did get out yesterday for a while so we were able to take in a lunch, a few errands then come home. I wasn't exhausted but my cough really came on strong for a while. So I began my regimen of hot tea and gargling. I'm sure out local winds do not help this cough. I do know a lot of people here are really suffering big time with all their allergies. So we'll see what gives.
I have almost forgotten, but I finally found --or I should say, Jim found me a Lymphodema PT in Corona -- about 25 minutes up the road. So tomorrow I go get an evaluation as to how we will proceed with my veins in my right arm. I don't actually have a lymph node issues, but this surrounds my lack of blood flow from my port I had removed. I continue to have some swelling and discolorations. I can also visibly see where my surface veins are more prominent. So they need to be redirected to get the other veins involved once again for proper blood flow. I'm rather excited to see and meet this PT for my next plan of attack. Hey, I have to have some sort of something to look forward to. LOL.
Other than that, my dogs are really good. Poor Chewy got attacked by me and my scissors the other day. At least I can see his cute little eyes, ears and mouth again! LOL. Woody continues to be such a sweet and ever-so-faithful boy. Of course, my family is my strength and continued support. All my close friends seem to know when they should call. THANK YOU. It's times like these when we find out who are your true friends. I send my love back at you. I continue to pray, meditate and try to visualize the positive outcome of this journey. Somes days are easier than others. I pray that this disease will be erradicated one day.
My cup's half full but being challenged! I will get through this. I think its one step at a time. Give me strength. Give me Hope and above all Give me the Love so as this cancer has no room to stay!
Ciao, Ciao!
I do, however, have this lingering cough which I am watching closely. It's a big cough that exhausts me by the end of the day. I don't cough all day, thank goodness, but when I do cough, it's very intense. Today, I've begun to take a decongestant to see if this can assist in breaking it up.
Life has been very limited for me and am starting to climb the walls a bit. I did get out yesterday for a while so we were able to take in a lunch, a few errands then come home. I wasn't exhausted but my cough really came on strong for a while. So I began my regimen of hot tea and gargling. I'm sure out local winds do not help this cough. I do know a lot of people here are really suffering big time with all their allergies. So we'll see what gives.
I have almost forgotten, but I finally found --or I should say, Jim found me a Lymphodema PT in Corona -- about 25 minutes up the road. So tomorrow I go get an evaluation as to how we will proceed with my veins in my right arm. I don't actually have a lymph node issues, but this surrounds my lack of blood flow from my port I had removed. I continue to have some swelling and discolorations. I can also visibly see where my surface veins are more prominent. So they need to be redirected to get the other veins involved once again for proper blood flow. I'm rather excited to see and meet this PT for my next plan of attack. Hey, I have to have some sort of something to look forward to. LOL.
Other than that, my dogs are really good. Poor Chewy got attacked by me and my scissors the other day. At least I can see his cute little eyes, ears and mouth again! LOL. Woody continues to be such a sweet and ever-so-faithful boy. Of course, my family is my strength and continued support. All my close friends seem to know when they should call. THANK YOU. It's times like these when we find out who are your true friends. I send my love back at you. I continue to pray, meditate and try to visualize the positive outcome of this journey. Somes days are easier than others. I pray that this disease will be erradicated one day.
My cup's half full but being challenged! I will get through this. I think its one step at a time. Give me strength. Give me Hope and above all Give me the Love so as this cancer has no room to stay!
Ciao, Ciao!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
White blood cells are low
My body is having some fun now. Yesterday I was so excited to be able to go to my friend's wedding reception, but had to be really good all day cuz I woke up pretty tired and not feeling energized. I took notice but just did what I usually do -- rest. By the late afternoon, we went to the reception. It was so wonderful to be there. I met new people and was greeted with open arms. Had pictures taken, etc. It was wonderful to share in our friend's new beginning with the new love in her life. But I had to cut it short. I was there for 2 hours, but I began to crash, so I didn't want it to become and issue, so we made our apologies and had to leave. I got to the car and was somewhat out of breath. I thought it was the wind and my body really have to fight that wind. By the time I got home I was exhausted and began to get body aches. My cough was awful. We're pretty sure it's the chemo cough. So much fun. My persona was changing pretty quickly as I felt worse --I was pretty cranky and intolerable about a lot of little things. So I put myself to bed. I was pretty hot and sweaty most of the night. Didn't cough too much only the first hour. But eventually I fell asleep.
Woke up by 7:30am this morning and felt well enough to make us breakfast. I love being able to do something for my husband especially these days. I want to be able to give back when I can. So after breakfast, I was pretty tired. So I became a couch potatoe. During the course of the early afternoon, we had a service man come to the house to do some work on our Dish network. During that time, I took my temperature because I began to feel very feverish. Low and behold I have 101.9. I have been instructed that if I have a temp of 100 or above, I must take antibiotics due to it may be an underlying issue -- in this case it's lowered drop in white blood cells.Apparently, this can happen between 8 - 11 days after your chemo treatment. Today is day 11. I'm so classic. Had to call an on-call oncologist due to the fact my guy is on vacation. His name is Dr. Energy. Love that name; don't you? Love it! He asked a lot of questions and I answered a lot. Bottom line, if I don't feel better by this evening, I will have to go to the hospital and get checked in. My oncologist won't be back in town till Tuesday. The good news is my fever just broke. I will take another antibiotic by 8pm tonight to give me a "boost".
I'm asking for prayers, good thoughts, positive thoughts and good energy. My journey is continuing on but it's taking a detour at the moment. Will keep all posted. I'm eating well and drinking well. I will get ahead of this.
I think the only thing else that would add insult to injury would now to get a lovely yeast infection due to the antibiotics. ARRRGGGHHH!!! I will begin to ingest my greek yogurt. Wish me luck all! Here I go.
Ciao, Ciao
Woke up by 7:30am this morning and felt well enough to make us breakfast. I love being able to do something for my husband especially these days. I want to be able to give back when I can. So after breakfast, I was pretty tired. So I became a couch potatoe. During the course of the early afternoon, we had a service man come to the house to do some work on our Dish network. During that time, I took my temperature because I began to feel very feverish. Low and behold I have 101.9. I have been instructed that if I have a temp of 100 or above, I must take antibiotics due to it may be an underlying issue -- in this case it's lowered drop in white blood cells.Apparently, this can happen between 8 - 11 days after your chemo treatment. Today is day 11. I'm so classic. Had to call an on-call oncologist due to the fact my guy is on vacation. His name is Dr. Energy. Love that name; don't you? Love it! He asked a lot of questions and I answered a lot. Bottom line, if I don't feel better by this evening, I will have to go to the hospital and get checked in. My oncologist won't be back in town till Tuesday. The good news is my fever just broke. I will take another antibiotic by 8pm tonight to give me a "boost".
I'm asking for prayers, good thoughts, positive thoughts and good energy. My journey is continuing on but it's taking a detour at the moment. Will keep all posted. I'm eating well and drinking well. I will get ahead of this.
I think the only thing else that would add insult to injury would now to get a lovely yeast infection due to the antibiotics. ARRRGGGHHH!!! I will begin to ingest my greek yogurt. Wish me luck all! Here I go.
Ciao, Ciao
Saturday, May 28, 2011
It's going pretty well now.
It's been over a week now since my 3rd chemo and I finally feel like I can share what has been going on with me.
The 3rd treatment went well. My red and white cell counts were very good and in the higher range they need to be. I started out with a bank of red blood cells and I have used some of the bank which is what we expect. There is nothing I can do to prevent my body from using up these extra cells. The chemo, as you all know, is very toxic and uses the good cells and bad cells. So it's doing it's job. But I'm still in the the really good range within my blood cells are concerned. I'm not in the lower end. But being the sensitive being that I am I feel when my body is out of balance. My white cells are really good. Once again, nothing I can do to change this; just keep on eating my clean foods -- organic is the way, but I'll be very honest, when I feel like I want a powdered donut, I will take a couple bites to satisfy that "yen." But it's really not that often. I really am carnivorous! I am a red meat freak for the first time in my life. I've always steered away from major meats, but I would have a filet ever so often or a few bites of prime rib. But now, since the chemo, I am a freak about my red meat. So I've been trying different cuts of buffalo, tri-tip, very lean ground beef. Then I'll have lamb, fish, lean pork. I love my pork. But the red meat is a major craving. It's my body. I'm listening big time to it. I do want vegies too, but most of the time it's steamed or in soups. I don't eat salads the way I used to at all. I find it's very difficult to digest. Turns out I'm right on the money. I really don't need to have salads(raw) currently if I don't want just because of the difficulty of the digestion process. But it's whatever I want. I am doing the best for my body and still using the common sense approach without going totally over the top strigent. The body is an amazing machine that will tell you as long as your are truly listening to what it wants. Consequently, I don't do sauces, major spices at all or complex flavors. They simply don't taste good and it's difficult for me to digest. And I'm finding out my digestion is also very key.
I have so much more energy this go around than I have in the past 2 chemos. It's more than likely due to the fact not recooperating from surgeries. All surrounding my port issues. Thank goodness. My right arm is still not functioning properly so I have to find a Lympodema PT specialist who can give me the proper type massage and compression work I need. My surgeon wants me to have this done close to home so I don't have to be on the crazy freeways down here getting to my PT twice a week for 6 weeks. But I'm having a very difficult time finding my PT person. You would think with a demographic of over 200,000 people there is going to be someone here. But I will find them next week at this point. It's the Memorial Weekend and no one is around at this point. But I was so surprised with the new hospital here, Loma Linda and their lack of information for me. I was basically brushed off and left to "find it on my own." Which, frankly, is a bunch of crap. So if I can't find anyone here, I have been instructed by my doc to contact them back and I will simply do the drive and go to Scripps and continue with their expertise. I don't have the tolerance for this. I need to get my poor veins redirected back into their normal state of being so the blood can flow properly through my arm and ultimately get to my heart. The body works extra hard when it's not functioning. And I need to keep my energy at it's best so I don' hit the wall.
This portion of my blog may bother some of you, but this is simply to keep it honest and real and it may help someone else realize they are not a freak or this is normal course of business while on chemo. It's not meant to gross anyone out. And if it does, be responsible and skip this part.
By Monday of this week, I obviously have a consistent issue with my body by the 4th day of each chemo. My body wants to purge the chemo. My intestines are working fine and they want to purge. The only problem is that they cramp up so big -- it feels like I'm being disemboweled. You think I'm exaggerating? Hell no! I now know true humility. I was alone in the house when it hit. The pain seared through and then stopped midway through and continued to build with the pain. It literally takes my breath away (and not in a good way). Of course, I'm working on my breathing and relaxation; however, in this case, it doesn't work. The body wants to do what it wants to do. So my body begins to sweat profusely then go into chills. Talk about prayerful moments of pleadings! OMG! I realize I might pass out. I'm getting that hearing issue and lights are beginning to happen. I've already had my moments before passing out onto the ground and fracturing my nose; so all I could think about was getting to the floor. And, yes, you got it, there are other issues that want to come out simultaneously. But one has to do what one has to do. I got to the floor, but I was so weak I was forced to lie down completely. Yes, prostrate myself completely in order to try to stop the spasms in my intestines. Once they stop for a bit, I could only crawl. Yes, crawling. Crawling all the way to my family room so I could get to a phone. Oh, did I mention I didn't have a phone with me? Of all times. That won't happen again. Anyway, I get to to the couch pull myself up and get the damn phone. Call Jim. I wasn't panicked or even scared, just needing assistance through this. I waited for a few more minutes on the floor and when I felt strong enough and no more spasms I was able to get up. I had to go back to the bathroom unfortunately. So I got myself there. Finally my chemo poop came out. The stuff is nothing like anything one has normally. So toxic. The good news is it's a good thing to purge it out of the body. Dear God, does it have to be so dramatic? Geez. Upon finally finishing this whole ordeal, I was able to stagger (yes, stagger) to the nearest couch in my formal living room and spread out completely while waiting for Jim and Ash to arrive. I felt as though I had run a marathon and I was completely exhausted. So there I lay till my hubby and daughter got home. They got me fluids cuz I was a bit dehydrated. They are so supportive and yet not alarmed. I was ushered back to bed where I stayed for 5 more hours. I slept on and off and ate ever so often when I would wake up. What a freaky day. Next day rolls around I was fine! Good energy, I was able to go out and do some errands and be apart of the living and productive human race. Those little joys help me out so much.
My oncologist cut back one of my chemo meds to tailor it more so I wouldn't have mouth sores. Isn't that cool? Stopping the sores without losing the potency to attack the cancer? Pretty cool my doc is so flexible. I love that about him and my oncologist nurse, Regan. Awesome. Anyway, instead of mouth sores, I now have had for the past 5 days is a coating in my mouth and tongue. It's reminiscent of when you have a high fat content ice cream coat your mouth completely. So when you put food into your mouth it's coated immediately and one cannot taste a thing. I had lost my tastebuds. It didn't hurt. It was simply awful not to be able to taste anything. So I was relegated to bland diet stuff. I had made my homemade chicken noodle soup, which saved me. I ate scrambled eggs and white toast; I ate cream of wheat with blueberries. Oh, yes, that's the other thing, I haven't eaten white bread in literally 30 plus years. But since chemo has started, I eat it on a regular basis. It's soothing on the belly and easy to digest. Reminds me of the days when I was a little girl up in Humboldt County and Big Loaf Bread was the staple of our house. I would peel off the crust and then squeeze the white portion of the bread into a ball and eat it this way. Totally yeasty and doughy! Oh, those were the days! LOL.
Yes, I've lost a little more weight. Not a lot, which is a good thing. I'm NOT trying to lose weight at all. I know I need my fighting weight. I have 3 more chemos and I'm trying to prepare myself for the worse because one never knows how your body will ultimately react each and every time. I also realize that the chemo can build on top of each treatment. Hey, as long as it's doing it' job! I want and demand shrinkage! I visualize this all the time. I keep on seeing it do it's job and having it's ultimate war with the cancer.
Ok, so there is more that has happened this time. Keeps my rather dull life a little more interesting with the inconveniences of chemo. I now have a fungus in both of my armpits. WTF? In my armpits? How, why, when..... They turned a lovely shade of dark red/purplish. No open sores, just itchy and burning. Contacted the do and they told me to apply Lotrimin -- athlete's foot cream-- makes me feel so sexy all over. ARRRRGGGHHHH. It's helping and it's in the process of leaving my body. Apparently, this is a common occurence when one's immune system is compromised. So now I also use Dove Sensitive, unscented soap. Has moisturizers in it as well. No more perfumy type cleansers and/or body washes. The good news is I didn't get a sun rash this time or break out in major zits this time.
Hey, get this: My hair is sprouting back. I have black/brown stubble all over my head. Wow! I think it has to do with the elimination of the Adrimycin out of the chemo cocktail. That's cool. Should be interesting to see how it comes back in. But I don't dwell on that aspect of my life for some reason.
I am very content wearing all my scarves and hats and bandanas. I keep a variety of looks available for myself. So far so good. I have this cool scarf now from a dear from that has peace signs all over it and it's very gauzy and cooling. I also have a t-shirt that has a peace sign on it as well, so I'm seen out in public sometimes with my "peace" energy going on. Oh, well, I have to have a little fun. This weekend I want to go get my Harley Davidson Bandana! I really want one. I don't even ride, I just like the attitude about it. Keeping it fun and light. I don't like taking myself too serious these days at all. Before this is over, I will be out in public without a hat or scarf. I know that's going to flip some people -- oh, well. Get over it. It's my pretty little noggin. And I love all the earrings I'm wearing as well. Since I cannot hide behind my hair, I might as well accent what I have left. I make a big effort now to put a little makeup to accent my eyes. I still have my eyebrows and the majority of my eyelashes. Yes, there has been some thinning, but it looks like I was perfectly waxed without the ripping. I'm totally NUCLEAR! And I think I might even glow in the dark! LOL
Each day I am getting stronger. This go around with the exception of Monday has been pretty forgiving. I can deal with whatever is being thrown at me. However, I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture here. I have my emotional moments still. Not nearly the level it was like my 2nd chemo. Oh, dear gawd, I didn't lose it like I did last time. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This time I only had spasms in my right ovary that lasted 4 days. (randomly) I can take that much better knowing I'm not a total freak.
Did you know we as humans release an enzyme from our bodies when we are stressed that causes us to cry?
Apparently, I've been burying a bit of my stress and that is why I will randomly cry. I don't try to stop it because it's so unhealthy to do that. There is a reason why we cry. Our body is releasing the toxins/stress that have built up. You know, like when steam blows off? That's what our bodies are doing. That was a cool little tidbit I wanted to share so for those who feel out of control when they cry -- don't try to stop it. Let your body purge it. Once again, I cry randomly. I even cried at chemo. I was missing my daughter, Amy, so deeply -- I could feel it all the way in my womb. I simply lost it. I didn't do the ugly cry, but I wept. Jim sat there encouraging me along -- so did Ashley. I know they are my unsung heroes. They tolerate so much. That is why we all talk a lot and clean the closets so-to-speak because it's difficult being a caregiver -- day in and day out. Everyone is doing their daily living, working, paying their own bills, raising kids, dealing with life -- meanwhile, I sit in limbo and my job is to get well. I feel like life is passing by. I will get on the other side of this. However, the reality is the here and the now. I do embrace the simple things probably even more than I ever did. I used to have colleagues or people in my life that would make comments how I seem to embrace the simple things in life. You have no idea how much more I do now. I love listening to the birds outside my windows of my bedroom or family room. I love watching them play. I love observing people even more now -- don't know how that's possible, but it is. When I smell something so delightful it truly sends me to my happy place. I especially love it when my hubby hugs me or someone looks at me in my eyes. I love it when I have a hand massage. I will never make excuses for this ever. If it makes me happy, great! It's just that simple. I know I will do something after all this in the real world -- still don't know what, but I will be fine.
I'm so excited today cuz I get to go out to a friend's wedding reception. I can't wait. It's like my field trip for the day. I'm resting and drinking my fluids so I can be bright and not sluggish. I really don't know a lot of people there, but that's never been a problem for me to be at a public event among strangers. It's sunny, light breeze and I get to be on a mini date with my hubby. It's going to be fun.
I think I've blabbered long enough. I know it's hard to visualize how I really am. If it weren't for my baldness, you really couldn't tell that there is an issue. I walk talk and don't slink and pull my shoulders foward. I still walk with energy in my step -- make not at big but still have that energy. That means a lot to me. But when I'm fatigued, I'm not walking a lot. It kicks my butt. So I listen. I'm listening!!!
The shrinkage continues, thank God! Please keep us all in your good thoughts, prayers and good energy.
I do feel them. It's amazing. Amazing.
Keep all our Veterans in your prayers and their families this weekend. They have paid the ultimate price and we cannot ever forget that! That is why we are Americans and that is why we have our freedoms. I get so choked up when I think how often we take so much for granted in this country. It's because of our Vets. I, personally, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! And I could never be as brave. It's very humbling.
Happy Memorial Day!
Ciao, Ciao
The 3rd treatment went well. My red and white cell counts were very good and in the higher range they need to be. I started out with a bank of red blood cells and I have used some of the bank which is what we expect. There is nothing I can do to prevent my body from using up these extra cells. The chemo, as you all know, is very toxic and uses the good cells and bad cells. So it's doing it's job. But I'm still in the the really good range within my blood cells are concerned. I'm not in the lower end. But being the sensitive being that I am I feel when my body is out of balance. My white cells are really good. Once again, nothing I can do to change this; just keep on eating my clean foods -- organic is the way, but I'll be very honest, when I feel like I want a powdered donut, I will take a couple bites to satisfy that "yen." But it's really not that often. I really am carnivorous! I am a red meat freak for the first time in my life. I've always steered away from major meats, but I would have a filet ever so often or a few bites of prime rib. But now, since the chemo, I am a freak about my red meat. So I've been trying different cuts of buffalo, tri-tip, very lean ground beef. Then I'll have lamb, fish, lean pork. I love my pork. But the red meat is a major craving. It's my body. I'm listening big time to it. I do want vegies too, but most of the time it's steamed or in soups. I don't eat salads the way I used to at all. I find it's very difficult to digest. Turns out I'm right on the money. I really don't need to have salads(raw) currently if I don't want just because of the difficulty of the digestion process. But it's whatever I want. I am doing the best for my body and still using the common sense approach without going totally over the top strigent. The body is an amazing machine that will tell you as long as your are truly listening to what it wants. Consequently, I don't do sauces, major spices at all or complex flavors. They simply don't taste good and it's difficult for me to digest. And I'm finding out my digestion is also very key.
I have so much more energy this go around than I have in the past 2 chemos. It's more than likely due to the fact not recooperating from surgeries. All surrounding my port issues. Thank goodness. My right arm is still not functioning properly so I have to find a Lympodema PT specialist who can give me the proper type massage and compression work I need. My surgeon wants me to have this done close to home so I don't have to be on the crazy freeways down here getting to my PT twice a week for 6 weeks. But I'm having a very difficult time finding my PT person. You would think with a demographic of over 200,000 people there is going to be someone here. But I will find them next week at this point. It's the Memorial Weekend and no one is around at this point. But I was so surprised with the new hospital here, Loma Linda and their lack of information for me. I was basically brushed off and left to "find it on my own." Which, frankly, is a bunch of crap. So if I can't find anyone here, I have been instructed by my doc to contact them back and I will simply do the drive and go to Scripps and continue with their expertise. I don't have the tolerance for this. I need to get my poor veins redirected back into their normal state of being so the blood can flow properly through my arm and ultimately get to my heart. The body works extra hard when it's not functioning. And I need to keep my energy at it's best so I don' hit the wall.
This portion of my blog may bother some of you, but this is simply to keep it honest and real and it may help someone else realize they are not a freak or this is normal course of business while on chemo. It's not meant to gross anyone out. And if it does, be responsible and skip this part.
By Monday of this week, I obviously have a consistent issue with my body by the 4th day of each chemo. My body wants to purge the chemo. My intestines are working fine and they want to purge. The only problem is that they cramp up so big -- it feels like I'm being disemboweled. You think I'm exaggerating? Hell no! I now know true humility. I was alone in the house when it hit. The pain seared through and then stopped midway through and continued to build with the pain. It literally takes my breath away (and not in a good way). Of course, I'm working on my breathing and relaxation; however, in this case, it doesn't work. The body wants to do what it wants to do. So my body begins to sweat profusely then go into chills. Talk about prayerful moments of pleadings! OMG! I realize I might pass out. I'm getting that hearing issue and lights are beginning to happen. I've already had my moments before passing out onto the ground and fracturing my nose; so all I could think about was getting to the floor. And, yes, you got it, there are other issues that want to come out simultaneously. But one has to do what one has to do. I got to the floor, but I was so weak I was forced to lie down completely. Yes, prostrate myself completely in order to try to stop the spasms in my intestines. Once they stop for a bit, I could only crawl. Yes, crawling. Crawling all the way to my family room so I could get to a phone. Oh, did I mention I didn't have a phone with me? Of all times. That won't happen again. Anyway, I get to to the couch pull myself up and get the damn phone. Call Jim. I wasn't panicked or even scared, just needing assistance through this. I waited for a few more minutes on the floor and when I felt strong enough and no more spasms I was able to get up. I had to go back to the bathroom unfortunately. So I got myself there. Finally my chemo poop came out. The stuff is nothing like anything one has normally. So toxic. The good news is it's a good thing to purge it out of the body. Dear God, does it have to be so dramatic? Geez. Upon finally finishing this whole ordeal, I was able to stagger (yes, stagger) to the nearest couch in my formal living room and spread out completely while waiting for Jim and Ash to arrive. I felt as though I had run a marathon and I was completely exhausted. So there I lay till my hubby and daughter got home. They got me fluids cuz I was a bit dehydrated. They are so supportive and yet not alarmed. I was ushered back to bed where I stayed for 5 more hours. I slept on and off and ate ever so often when I would wake up. What a freaky day. Next day rolls around I was fine! Good energy, I was able to go out and do some errands and be apart of the living and productive human race. Those little joys help me out so much.
My oncologist cut back one of my chemo meds to tailor it more so I wouldn't have mouth sores. Isn't that cool? Stopping the sores without losing the potency to attack the cancer? Pretty cool my doc is so flexible. I love that about him and my oncologist nurse, Regan. Awesome. Anyway, instead of mouth sores, I now have had for the past 5 days is a coating in my mouth and tongue. It's reminiscent of when you have a high fat content ice cream coat your mouth completely. So when you put food into your mouth it's coated immediately and one cannot taste a thing. I had lost my tastebuds. It didn't hurt. It was simply awful not to be able to taste anything. So I was relegated to bland diet stuff. I had made my homemade chicken noodle soup, which saved me. I ate scrambled eggs and white toast; I ate cream of wheat with blueberries. Oh, yes, that's the other thing, I haven't eaten white bread in literally 30 plus years. But since chemo has started, I eat it on a regular basis. It's soothing on the belly and easy to digest. Reminds me of the days when I was a little girl up in Humboldt County and Big Loaf Bread was the staple of our house. I would peel off the crust and then squeeze the white portion of the bread into a ball and eat it this way. Totally yeasty and doughy! Oh, those were the days! LOL.
Yes, I've lost a little more weight. Not a lot, which is a good thing. I'm NOT trying to lose weight at all. I know I need my fighting weight. I have 3 more chemos and I'm trying to prepare myself for the worse because one never knows how your body will ultimately react each and every time. I also realize that the chemo can build on top of each treatment. Hey, as long as it's doing it' job! I want and demand shrinkage! I visualize this all the time. I keep on seeing it do it's job and having it's ultimate war with the cancer.
Ok, so there is more that has happened this time. Keeps my rather dull life a little more interesting with the inconveniences of chemo. I now have a fungus in both of my armpits. WTF? In my armpits? How, why, when..... They turned a lovely shade of dark red/purplish. No open sores, just itchy and burning. Contacted the do and they told me to apply Lotrimin -- athlete's foot cream-- makes me feel so sexy all over. ARRRRGGGHHHH. It's helping and it's in the process of leaving my body. Apparently, this is a common occurence when one's immune system is compromised. So now I also use Dove Sensitive, unscented soap. Has moisturizers in it as well. No more perfumy type cleansers and/or body washes. The good news is I didn't get a sun rash this time or break out in major zits this time.
Hey, get this: My hair is sprouting back. I have black/brown stubble all over my head. Wow! I think it has to do with the elimination of the Adrimycin out of the chemo cocktail. That's cool. Should be interesting to see how it comes back in. But I don't dwell on that aspect of my life for some reason.
I am very content wearing all my scarves and hats and bandanas. I keep a variety of looks available for myself. So far so good. I have this cool scarf now from a dear from that has peace signs all over it and it's very gauzy and cooling. I also have a t-shirt that has a peace sign on it as well, so I'm seen out in public sometimes with my "peace" energy going on. Oh, well, I have to have a little fun. This weekend I want to go get my Harley Davidson Bandana! I really want one. I don't even ride, I just like the attitude about it. Keeping it fun and light. I don't like taking myself too serious these days at all. Before this is over, I will be out in public without a hat or scarf. I know that's going to flip some people -- oh, well. Get over it. It's my pretty little noggin. And I love all the earrings I'm wearing as well. Since I cannot hide behind my hair, I might as well accent what I have left. I make a big effort now to put a little makeup to accent my eyes. I still have my eyebrows and the majority of my eyelashes. Yes, there has been some thinning, but it looks like I was perfectly waxed without the ripping. I'm totally NUCLEAR! And I think I might even glow in the dark! LOL
Each day I am getting stronger. This go around with the exception of Monday has been pretty forgiving. I can deal with whatever is being thrown at me. However, I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture here. I have my emotional moments still. Not nearly the level it was like my 2nd chemo. Oh, dear gawd, I didn't lose it like I did last time. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This time I only had spasms in my right ovary that lasted 4 days. (randomly) I can take that much better knowing I'm not a total freak.
Did you know we as humans release an enzyme from our bodies when we are stressed that causes us to cry?
Apparently, I've been burying a bit of my stress and that is why I will randomly cry. I don't try to stop it because it's so unhealthy to do that. There is a reason why we cry. Our body is releasing the toxins/stress that have built up. You know, like when steam blows off? That's what our bodies are doing. That was a cool little tidbit I wanted to share so for those who feel out of control when they cry -- don't try to stop it. Let your body purge it. Once again, I cry randomly. I even cried at chemo. I was missing my daughter, Amy, so deeply -- I could feel it all the way in my womb. I simply lost it. I didn't do the ugly cry, but I wept. Jim sat there encouraging me along -- so did Ashley. I know they are my unsung heroes. They tolerate so much. That is why we all talk a lot and clean the closets so-to-speak because it's difficult being a caregiver -- day in and day out. Everyone is doing their daily living, working, paying their own bills, raising kids, dealing with life -- meanwhile, I sit in limbo and my job is to get well. I feel like life is passing by. I will get on the other side of this. However, the reality is the here and the now. I do embrace the simple things probably even more than I ever did. I used to have colleagues or people in my life that would make comments how I seem to embrace the simple things in life. You have no idea how much more I do now. I love listening to the birds outside my windows of my bedroom or family room. I love watching them play. I love observing people even more now -- don't know how that's possible, but it is. When I smell something so delightful it truly sends me to my happy place. I especially love it when my hubby hugs me or someone looks at me in my eyes. I love it when I have a hand massage. I will never make excuses for this ever. If it makes me happy, great! It's just that simple. I know I will do something after all this in the real world -- still don't know what, but I will be fine.
I'm so excited today cuz I get to go out to a friend's wedding reception. I can't wait. It's like my field trip for the day. I'm resting and drinking my fluids so I can be bright and not sluggish. I really don't know a lot of people there, but that's never been a problem for me to be at a public event among strangers. It's sunny, light breeze and I get to be on a mini date with my hubby. It's going to be fun.
I think I've blabbered long enough. I know it's hard to visualize how I really am. If it weren't for my baldness, you really couldn't tell that there is an issue. I walk talk and don't slink and pull my shoulders foward. I still walk with energy in my step -- make not at big but still have that energy. That means a lot to me. But when I'm fatigued, I'm not walking a lot. It kicks my butt. So I listen. I'm listening!!!
The shrinkage continues, thank God! Please keep us all in your good thoughts, prayers and good energy.
I do feel them. It's amazing. Amazing.
Keep all our Veterans in your prayers and their families this weekend. They have paid the ultimate price and we cannot ever forget that! That is why we are Americans and that is why we have our freedoms. I get so choked up when I think how often we take so much for granted in this country. It's because of our Vets. I, personally, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! And I could never be as brave. It's very humbling.
Happy Memorial Day!
Ciao, Ciao
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It's that time again -- Chemo #3 -- halfway there!
Today is Wednesday, May 18, 2010 and I began my anti-inflammatories (2 @ a time) twice a day. Oh, yay! They have steroids in them and the last time I was on these love-r-lee things, I became quite the BEE-och. This time I'm hoping I will see it coming and deal with it better. We'll see; won't we? LOL. Anyway, so far no worries. Going about my life.....
I've been dealing with my allergies. Oh, those buggery allergies. Many people currently have their red eyes, sneezing, wheezing, coughing jags, etc. I have the coughing jag! I sound like Mr. Limpet -- dating myself. Old Don Knotts' movie. Cute movie. So, I've been laying low. I did go out a couple days ago with a friend to a nursery located in Rainbow, CA. Love that little area. I love a few nurseries located down there. I had a chance to show and share with my friend. I love all the blooming going on so I can see the amazing colors of each growing and living plant. So, of course, you got it, my exposure to all those lovelies caused me to get all those histamines going up my nose! Plus, I'm sure it didn't help matters that it was windy. Timing, timing, timing. I'm coming back into chemo and now I am hacking and carrying on like I'm coughing up a lung. Gotta keep learning everyday about what my body can deal with or not deal with.
Today, my cough is much better because I haven't been talking much. I got my new laptop and have been working on it getting it up and running the way I want it to. It's been nice using my brain. Great exercise! Makes you feel normal! I may not remember stuff later, but for now I take it anyway I can! LOL! I have the TV on right now while writing this and Sex and the City reruns are on and the episode that is on is about Samantha dealing with her cancer she's in denial about. But then again, so are her friends -- in denial somewhat. So periodically, I find myself getting that big lump in my throat. I sit here by myself and experience some emotions that no one else ever sees. I feel my tear ducts getting cleaned out, yet again. There are certain things, events, maybe TV episodes that makes one reflect. It's ironic this episode is on. I guess, once again, there are no mistakes for me. I remember watching this episode a few years ago and not knowing I had cancer living in me --- and wow, it certainly has a new meaning altogether for me today. Such is life, eh?
I plan on having something extra special for dinner tonight cuz it's the night before chemo and it's becoming my every-3rd-week-right-of- passage meal. I figure it's very important to make myself and loved ones feel good about themselves - so why not through good and beautiful food? While I feel normal and can, I will eat something with great flavors, cuz I know in the next few days that will change. I now know I get mouth sores, skin rashes or other skin issues, sensitive teeth and then that all encompassing sloggy feeling. Makes my eyes roll back. So there I go, I am indulging myself.
Jim is lucky tonight because he's doing something he loves: golf. He's on a new weekly night league, so he's one happy camper.
Me and the dogs will be hanging out together tonight.
That's a subject I haven't touched upon in great detail yet -- My dogs. I still won't go into great detail but will say this: without my guys, I don't breathe or function right. Their unconditional love fills me up. Make note of the word: UNCONDITIONAL love. Gee, they do feel my energy big time. Sometimes, my chocolate lab, Woody will come and stare at me then place his paw up on my lap as he eases his way closer to my face as if to say, "Mommy, I'm here for you! I love you." Then there is my little terrier cross, Chewy, who comes up and must lay next to me whenever possible. When I have been shedding some tears, he comes up to my face and tries to lick my tears away. Very, very sweet. I don't usually allow my dogs to lick my face or get up in my very personal space, but when I'm a bit down, they know when to come in for the kill with me so-to-speak. They're no fools. LOL. I love my guys. I can't imagine not having them in my lives let alone not having them here with me these days. I squeeze them till they pop! (inside family joke)
In closing today, I ask for your prayers and good thoughts that this chemo will be yet another successful treatment and continue on the shrinkage campain to erradicate this intruder. I think my docs will be very pleased once they examine me tomorrow. Oh, yes, I see both docs, my surgeon first then go to chemo. Still have some concerns about my right arm. Still gets swollen and turns color --just not as bad, but it happens. Want to know if all is ok or if it's going to take more time. I'll find out and report this later.
And as a treat afterwards (chemo, that is), I will go to lunch then go to my new favorite grocery store: Whole Foods.
Life continues to move forward and I'm always hopeful and vigilant about living life. I want to live it more fully, but I'm finally understanding what my new normal is. I can't do what I did before regarding my stamina -- but I still have good energy. I still walk proud and tall. I still smile and laugh -- I think I need to laugh a little more, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I am me but I have to say, I have changed inside big time -- which is a good thing. I have a calm I've never had before -- I am grateful. I also have to say that I'm amazed at the women who cope with this cancer WITHOUT support from loved ones. I cannot imagine going through this whole situation without my support network. I simply cannot imagine. I keep those beautiful women in my prayers and good thoughts as well. They need more than I. And, if they have children, their children need prayers and good thoughts as well. We all need to keep it real.
In closing: My Cup's Half Full! Gunna make the best of this one way or the other. For those doubting this: Try it, you might like it!(meaning: be happier and look at the bright side of things! Give it a shot!) I have NOTHING TO LOSE! Ha! Ha!
Ciao, ciao
I've been dealing with my allergies. Oh, those buggery allergies. Many people currently have their red eyes, sneezing, wheezing, coughing jags, etc. I have the coughing jag! I sound like Mr. Limpet -- dating myself. Old Don Knotts' movie. Cute movie. So, I've been laying low. I did go out a couple days ago with a friend to a nursery located in Rainbow, CA. Love that little area. I love a few nurseries located down there. I had a chance to show and share with my friend. I love all the blooming going on so I can see the amazing colors of each growing and living plant. So, of course, you got it, my exposure to all those lovelies caused me to get all those histamines going up my nose! Plus, I'm sure it didn't help matters that it was windy. Timing, timing, timing. I'm coming back into chemo and now I am hacking and carrying on like I'm coughing up a lung. Gotta keep learning everyday about what my body can deal with or not deal with.
Today, my cough is much better because I haven't been talking much. I got my new laptop and have been working on it getting it up and running the way I want it to. It's been nice using my brain. Great exercise! Makes you feel normal! I may not remember stuff later, but for now I take it anyway I can! LOL! I have the TV on right now while writing this and Sex and the City reruns are on and the episode that is on is about Samantha dealing with her cancer she's in denial about. But then again, so are her friends -- in denial somewhat. So periodically, I find myself getting that big lump in my throat. I sit here by myself and experience some emotions that no one else ever sees. I feel my tear ducts getting cleaned out, yet again. There are certain things, events, maybe TV episodes that makes one reflect. It's ironic this episode is on. I guess, once again, there are no mistakes for me. I remember watching this episode a few years ago and not knowing I had cancer living in me --- and wow, it certainly has a new meaning altogether for me today. Such is life, eh?
I plan on having something extra special for dinner tonight cuz it's the night before chemo and it's becoming my every-3rd-week-right-of- passage meal. I figure it's very important to make myself and loved ones feel good about themselves - so why not through good and beautiful food? While I feel normal and can, I will eat something with great flavors, cuz I know in the next few days that will change. I now know I get mouth sores, skin rashes or other skin issues, sensitive teeth and then that all encompassing sloggy feeling. Makes my eyes roll back. So there I go, I am indulging myself.
Jim is lucky tonight because he's doing something he loves: golf. He's on a new weekly night league, so he's one happy camper.
Me and the dogs will be hanging out together tonight.
That's a subject I haven't touched upon in great detail yet -- My dogs. I still won't go into great detail but will say this: without my guys, I don't breathe or function right. Their unconditional love fills me up. Make note of the word: UNCONDITIONAL love. Gee, they do feel my energy big time. Sometimes, my chocolate lab, Woody will come and stare at me then place his paw up on my lap as he eases his way closer to my face as if to say, "Mommy, I'm here for you! I love you." Then there is my little terrier cross, Chewy, who comes up and must lay next to me whenever possible. When I have been shedding some tears, he comes up to my face and tries to lick my tears away. Very, very sweet. I don't usually allow my dogs to lick my face or get up in my very personal space, but when I'm a bit down, they know when to come in for the kill with me so-to-speak. They're no fools. LOL. I love my guys. I can't imagine not having them in my lives let alone not having them here with me these days. I squeeze them till they pop! (inside family joke)
In closing today, I ask for your prayers and good thoughts that this chemo will be yet another successful treatment and continue on the shrinkage campain to erradicate this intruder. I think my docs will be very pleased once they examine me tomorrow. Oh, yes, I see both docs, my surgeon first then go to chemo. Still have some concerns about my right arm. Still gets swollen and turns color --just not as bad, but it happens. Want to know if all is ok or if it's going to take more time. I'll find out and report this later.
And as a treat afterwards (chemo, that is), I will go to lunch then go to my new favorite grocery store: Whole Foods.
Life continues to move forward and I'm always hopeful and vigilant about living life. I want to live it more fully, but I'm finally understanding what my new normal is. I can't do what I did before regarding my stamina -- but I still have good energy. I still walk proud and tall. I still smile and laugh -- I think I need to laugh a little more, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I am me but I have to say, I have changed inside big time -- which is a good thing. I have a calm I've never had before -- I am grateful. I also have to say that I'm amazed at the women who cope with this cancer WITHOUT support from loved ones. I cannot imagine going through this whole situation without my support network. I simply cannot imagine. I keep those beautiful women in my prayers and good thoughts as well. They need more than I. And, if they have children, their children need prayers and good thoughts as well. We all need to keep it real.
In closing: My Cup's Half Full! Gunna make the best of this one way or the other. For those doubting this: Try it, you might like it!(meaning: be happier and look at the bright side of things! Give it a shot!) I have NOTHING TO LOSE! Ha! Ha!
Ciao, ciao
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Catching UP with myself
It's been awhile since I've written anything. I guess I haven't had a lot to say, but that's not exactly truthful. I always have something to say, but it's not always what others would like to read about. Or for that matter, what I want to read.
I've had the pleasure of having not one but 2 of my best friends in the world come and visit me this past week. My first bestest friend flew in for a long weekend. She had her work cut out for her while being here. I was proud of myself, because I allowed her to help me. One thing to remember through all this, I am doing really well, but the reality is, I get really tired. And the chemo fatigue is one that all should respect. If I don't listen to it, it kicks my butt big time. So when this would happen, my girly friend would step in and do her magic. She baked for me, massaged my hands and feet (glory be!), tucked me in for my naps, assisted me in the tub, and she tolerated whatever I dished back at her. She didn't even freak out when she saw my bald head for the first time. Oh, yeah, we cried together, of course, but it wasn't one of those moments I was dreading that someone would get that panicked look of "Oh, no, poor thing."
The best part was sharing the special moments. There were many. I am blessed like I've been saying throughout this blogging process. I am truly blessed. I know some may think that how can I think this cancer, once again, has turned out to be a blessing in disguise? Because there are so many other positives that have come out of it. I love that people are letting me know how they genuinely feel. It's about no regrets and having the opportunity to let those around us how we feel about each other and not be afraid of doing so. Love this part.
The other thing that occurred to me the other day was that I haven't given it any thought at all that I would be dying. Let me say this out loud on this blog forum that I have no plans of going anywhere. I am moving through the process the way I must at this point in my life. I will get on the other side of this. It wasn't until I had a rather deep discussion with one of my friends that anyone would be thinking that I could possibly die. Guess what everyone: I am living and I continue to live and I will be here just like a bad habit! This is not an unrealistic expectation for my circumstance. Yes, I have quite the road, but guess what? I'm still here and doing better everyday. EVERY DAY!!!!
Yes, I'm a very different person on many levels, but I'm also still Lynn. I still can drive everyone nuts at times; I still am very passionate about love & life; I love my dogs so very much and can't breathe without them being in my life; I still love cooking and my landscaping projects; I still love my family endlessly; I still have plans of travel around our great USA and abroad; I still AM!!!!
And guess what? The latest with my tumors: There is still serious Shrinkage happening! WWWHHHOOOAAAA! Oh, yes. My daughter and I were talking about how my left breast seems to be either dying or the chemo is discoloring the tissue underneath the skin surface. But there is some serious work going on. I feel it happening everyday. No, it doesn't hurt too much while it's doing it's thing, but there is some discomfort of sorts. I would be lying if I were saying it were a bed of roses, because it's not. But I most certainly don't lose sleep. Yes, there can be what I call "shooter pains" in that region of my breast, but I know it's dying or being critically wounded! Once again, there has to be some give and take on my part while I feel these pains. That's why I always and continue to believe to make sure to do something for myself to make me feel relief or free for a short period of time. Whether that means some sort of massage or floating in the bath tub -- at least that is what gives me relief. I also will meditate or go for that walk (whether it's short or not) so I can clear my brain. Just having that opportunity to feel normal for a while. It's like the greatest thing while it's happening. Oh, yes, and I pray constantly in my head/heart. That's just a given. This is not to say I'm always happy, cuz I'm not.
I have been experiencing some issues in public a couple times now.
I went out shopping with my friend. This sales person was obviously very uncomfortable with me -- not sure why, but she was--maybe cuz I had this lovely sunrash on my neck & part of my left cheek. Consequently, when I wanted or needed some assistance with some make-up products, she was compliant to get my products, but she would refer back to my friend. She didn't want to look at me or talk directly to me. Hello! I'm standing right here! I realized it was her own issues; my girlfriend kept on referring back to me and I would then talk directly back to the lady assisting us. I know, I should have said something but all I wanted was this product. The lady eventually lightened up with me, but then it happened: She brought up about her mom and how she ultimately died from cancer. I tried to be empathetic, but I was not embracing the gory details. But I stood there listening. She obviously felt the need to say this to me in order for her to get through her uncomfortable behaviour. Then out of the blue she says, "You're so sweet." And hugged me. So I hugged back. Phew! I'm learning daily. I can handle these isolated little events, but I hope this doesn't begin to be an issue whenever I go out. Perhaps, this is going to be one of those learning curves as I go out more and more into the public eye -- judgments. It's going to be up to me to not get defensive, but to embrace and not allow this to bother me. The more they see me, I think, the more people will become aware. Maybe I've stated this before -- please be sensitive to those who have cancer or any kind of illness that maybe it's really not appropriate to share such details about your loss of others. For me it's cool to share your lost someone, but please keep it to a minimum of how the cancer took them over and how they withered to bones and how they couldn't eat and blah, blah, blah. I can only speak for myself, but you don't always have to feel compelled to say anything. Maybe a kind word of, "I hope you are doing well" or "I love your hat" or "you have a great smile." I'm just saying or maybe I'm wishing.......Either way, it feels better for me to share this.
So I'm approaching my 3rd chemo treatment this next Thursday, May 19 @10:30am. Double-edged sword for me -- I look forward to seeing both my surgeon and oncologist to show the progress but I don't look forward to the next chemo treatment. All-in-all I have come out of each treatment pretty good -- yes, I have my skin issues and what have you, but the chemo so far has spared me somewhat. The reality is this: I will be halfway through this chemo regimen! Halfway through. My next goal is to finish this on July 21 without too much incident. After the chemo, I recooperate for a few weeks then I go into my next phase: Bi-lateral mastectomy. Yes, both breasts will be removed plus some lymph nodes under my left arm. The great news is my youngest daughter and her hubby will be visiting here from Italy in late August till November. Oh, yeah! We will be doing a lot of photography during their visit. Gotta update the family pics. No, I will not be wearing any wigs for pics. We will take photos with my bald head exposed; with my bald head covered with scarves and hats. Loving the scarf & hat thing very much. As long as I have earrings on and a little make-up, I'm good to go.
A little disappointed in my right arm where the clot has been. It's still more swollen than my left arm and it still gets that tight feeling because the blood flow is not where it should be, but apparently, this is normal. But, of course, I will be checked by my surgeon this next Thursday and I will address this issue with him and see what we come up with. I have no infections, which sometimes can occur when there have been medical procedures.
So for now, I'm doing well. My fatigue isn't as prevalant but I know when I need to take a nap or lie down for awhile. It's part of the routine now. I will be looking into getting assistance for cleaning my home probably once a week so it takes the pressure off Jim and I can truly relax knowing my home continues to be clean and disinfected. That's my pet peave -- gotta have a clean house -- then I'm relaxed.
I'm going to check out for now; want and need to go knit. It's my Zen! I send good, positive thoughts to all and I continue to move forward through my journey. I know you can tell through my writing that I'm in a better place than I was a week or so ago -- cuz I am! Yay! In with the air of life!
Still my cup's half full and continue to hold onto this with great gusto! Enjoy your lives to their fullest! Carpe Diem!
Ciao, Ciao
I've had the pleasure of having not one but 2 of my best friends in the world come and visit me this past week. My first bestest friend flew in for a long weekend. She had her work cut out for her while being here. I was proud of myself, because I allowed her to help me. One thing to remember through all this, I am doing really well, but the reality is, I get really tired. And the chemo fatigue is one that all should respect. If I don't listen to it, it kicks my butt big time. So when this would happen, my girly friend would step in and do her magic. She baked for me, massaged my hands and feet (glory be!), tucked me in for my naps, assisted me in the tub, and she tolerated whatever I dished back at her. She didn't even freak out when she saw my bald head for the first time. Oh, yeah, we cried together, of course, but it wasn't one of those moments I was dreading that someone would get that panicked look of "Oh, no, poor thing."
The best part was sharing the special moments. There were many. I am blessed like I've been saying throughout this blogging process. I am truly blessed. I know some may think that how can I think this cancer, once again, has turned out to be a blessing in disguise? Because there are so many other positives that have come out of it. I love that people are letting me know how they genuinely feel. It's about no regrets and having the opportunity to let those around us how we feel about each other and not be afraid of doing so. Love this part.
The other thing that occurred to me the other day was that I haven't given it any thought at all that I would be dying. Let me say this out loud on this blog forum that I have no plans of going anywhere. I am moving through the process the way I must at this point in my life. I will get on the other side of this. It wasn't until I had a rather deep discussion with one of my friends that anyone would be thinking that I could possibly die. Guess what everyone: I am living and I continue to live and I will be here just like a bad habit! This is not an unrealistic expectation for my circumstance. Yes, I have quite the road, but guess what? I'm still here and doing better everyday. EVERY DAY!!!!
Yes, I'm a very different person on many levels, but I'm also still Lynn. I still can drive everyone nuts at times; I still am very passionate about love & life; I love my dogs so very much and can't breathe without them being in my life; I still love cooking and my landscaping projects; I still love my family endlessly; I still have plans of travel around our great USA and abroad; I still AM!!!!
And guess what? The latest with my tumors: There is still serious Shrinkage happening! WWWHHHOOOAAAA! Oh, yes. My daughter and I were talking about how my left breast seems to be either dying or the chemo is discoloring the tissue underneath the skin surface. But there is some serious work going on. I feel it happening everyday. No, it doesn't hurt too much while it's doing it's thing, but there is some discomfort of sorts. I would be lying if I were saying it were a bed of roses, because it's not. But I most certainly don't lose sleep. Yes, there can be what I call "shooter pains" in that region of my breast, but I know it's dying or being critically wounded! Once again, there has to be some give and take on my part while I feel these pains. That's why I always and continue to believe to make sure to do something for myself to make me feel relief or free for a short period of time. Whether that means some sort of massage or floating in the bath tub -- at least that is what gives me relief. I also will meditate or go for that walk (whether it's short or not) so I can clear my brain. Just having that opportunity to feel normal for a while. It's like the greatest thing while it's happening. Oh, yes, and I pray constantly in my head/heart. That's just a given. This is not to say I'm always happy, cuz I'm not.
I have been experiencing some issues in public a couple times now.
I went out shopping with my friend. This sales person was obviously very uncomfortable with me -- not sure why, but she was--maybe cuz I had this lovely sunrash on my neck & part of my left cheek. Consequently, when I wanted or needed some assistance with some make-up products, she was compliant to get my products, but she would refer back to my friend. She didn't want to look at me or talk directly to me. Hello! I'm standing right here! I realized it was her own issues; my girlfriend kept on referring back to me and I would then talk directly back to the lady assisting us. I know, I should have said something but all I wanted was this product. The lady eventually lightened up with me, but then it happened: She brought up about her mom and how she ultimately died from cancer. I tried to be empathetic, but I was not embracing the gory details. But I stood there listening. She obviously felt the need to say this to me in order for her to get through her uncomfortable behaviour. Then out of the blue she says, "You're so sweet." And hugged me. So I hugged back. Phew! I'm learning daily. I can handle these isolated little events, but I hope this doesn't begin to be an issue whenever I go out. Perhaps, this is going to be one of those learning curves as I go out more and more into the public eye -- judgments. It's going to be up to me to not get defensive, but to embrace and not allow this to bother me. The more they see me, I think, the more people will become aware. Maybe I've stated this before -- please be sensitive to those who have cancer or any kind of illness that maybe it's really not appropriate to share such details about your loss of others. For me it's cool to share your lost someone, but please keep it to a minimum of how the cancer took them over and how they withered to bones and how they couldn't eat and blah, blah, blah. I can only speak for myself, but you don't always have to feel compelled to say anything. Maybe a kind word of, "I hope you are doing well" or "I love your hat" or "you have a great smile." I'm just saying or maybe I'm wishing.......Either way, it feels better for me to share this.
So I'm approaching my 3rd chemo treatment this next Thursday, May 19 @10:30am. Double-edged sword for me -- I look forward to seeing both my surgeon and oncologist to show the progress but I don't look forward to the next chemo treatment. All-in-all I have come out of each treatment pretty good -- yes, I have my skin issues and what have you, but the chemo so far has spared me somewhat. The reality is this: I will be halfway through this chemo regimen! Halfway through. My next goal is to finish this on July 21 without too much incident. After the chemo, I recooperate for a few weeks then I go into my next phase: Bi-lateral mastectomy. Yes, both breasts will be removed plus some lymph nodes under my left arm. The great news is my youngest daughter and her hubby will be visiting here from Italy in late August till November. Oh, yeah! We will be doing a lot of photography during their visit. Gotta update the family pics. No, I will not be wearing any wigs for pics. We will take photos with my bald head exposed; with my bald head covered with scarves and hats. Loving the scarf & hat thing very much. As long as I have earrings on and a little make-up, I'm good to go.
A little disappointed in my right arm where the clot has been. It's still more swollen than my left arm and it still gets that tight feeling because the blood flow is not where it should be, but apparently, this is normal. But, of course, I will be checked by my surgeon this next Thursday and I will address this issue with him and see what we come up with. I have no infections, which sometimes can occur when there have been medical procedures.
So for now, I'm doing well. My fatigue isn't as prevalant but I know when I need to take a nap or lie down for awhile. It's part of the routine now. I will be looking into getting assistance for cleaning my home probably once a week so it takes the pressure off Jim and I can truly relax knowing my home continues to be clean and disinfected. That's my pet peave -- gotta have a clean house -- then I'm relaxed.
I'm going to check out for now; want and need to go knit. It's my Zen! I send good, positive thoughts to all and I continue to move forward through my journey. I know you can tell through my writing that I'm in a better place than I was a week or so ago -- cuz I am! Yay! In with the air of life!
Still my cup's half full and continue to hold onto this with great gusto! Enjoy your lives to their fullest! Carpe Diem!
Ciao, Ciao
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)