Maybe it's fate and maybe it's karma -- either way, I, apparently spoke too soon when I stated all is going well. This morning about 5:15am I woke up with a very sore left elbow. As I focused in on joint, I could see my vein was popped up -- the vein where my chemo IV drip had been placed. My joint, too, was swollen and sore to the touch. So without hesitation, I got out of bed and began my "checklist" of possibilities as to what was going on with my body. I had been warned that if this ever happened, I would need to contact the doc ASAP. Being the good little soldier, I did as I was told after I deduced this was not a good thing.
My oncologist contacted me back and we agreed I would be coming into his office just as soon as I could get there -- in La Jolla. I was instructed to take 2 aspirin, which I did.
I get to the office and Dr. B took a good look at my arm and told me he knows this is pretty superficial and that I have phlebitis. I will need to keep heat on it for the next 24 hrs and that it could possibly stay in this situation for at least 2 weeks. Hey, what's another 2 weeks, right? GEEEEEEE!!!! For Heaven's Sake! Yumpin-Yiminy!
My doc does believe that I may be susceptible to blood clots and will have to have a special test taken at my 5th chemo appointment to determine this. And this is very, very important to know since I will be having major surgery in August. Hey, I would have never known this had I not gone through chemo, right? I will be checking in with my mom to find out family history as to blood clots or not.
I ask for prayers. I must say, even though this is not life-threatening and it could be so much worse, I felt like I was kicked in my gut today. I did experience some major emotion inside and just wanted to unleash from a mountain ridge one big heartfelt scream of frustration. I know, I know, I'm very lucky and have been pretty lucky so far, but these little issues that keep cropping up are frustrating. I think that is the "perfectionist" in me that comes out periodically. I want things to go "right." I want it to be mundane. But I guess, there is nothing mundane about we Johnsons! I am one special little entity.
This is teaching me and I must learn something from it -- understanding, patience, humility?
Ok. Once again, I am open for the learning aspect of this journey. It's keeping me in check, that is for sure!
So here I sit, yet again, keeping the heat on my popped up vein and being good. I'm trying to do what I need to do to get over this hiccup in life. I ask for prayers and good thoughts and all that can keep me safe from further little complications. I will get through this and try to maintain my half-cup status as much as possible!
I will keep rolling on forward and defy this situation! Tomorrow, I'm taking a long walk for me in order to get this frustration out of my system! So there! Cancer: you've met your match! I will rise above this YOU and I will Smile back at you and know I have conquered and squashed your evil!
Ciao!Ciao!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
So Far So Good since 4th Chemo
I'm pretty amazed at the progress so far since Chemo #4. I've had my "new plan of attack" since discussing with my oncologist and chemo nurse what has been been going on with me by the 4th day after chemo treatments. I guess it's just too easy for words: keep yourself flushed out! Keep it flowing! DUH! Wow, what a difference.
Of course, when one has chemo administered into their bodies, it's certainly not a warm and fuzzy feeling as it does it's job. It's there to seek out and destroy as I've come to visualize.
Sunday was one of those days. My goodness, I felt sloggy all over again even though I feel ahead of the intestinal game. So sad I have to find little triumphs somehow even if it means discussing my bowels. LOL. Go figure. That's what keeps life interesting, right? I guess no one can say I'm boring. That is one thing I promised my hubby 28 years ago -- he would NEVER EVER be bored with me. I think I've kept my end of that bargain.
I felt so proud of myself today because I was able able to cook up a huge stock pot of chicken noodle soup. I have come to completely rely on this basic staple. There is nothing easier or healthier than to cook your own chicken noodle soup. It is the soup of the soul. Even the chemo can't ruin the flavor! There's a triumph! out-maneuvering the chemo. I think I'm getting pretty feisty about finishing up and succeeding past this chemo. All I know is I have only 2 more treatments! Dear GAWD, 2 more. I can and will do this and then I can gear up for my major surgery.
I'm already gearing up. I have to. I have been for weeks now. I think one thing that surprises me the most is the different stages I've been going through for this preparation of surgery. I knew I had it all intellectualized already. But then other factors have come into play now -- emotional, physical, future self-realization, spiritual, psychological, etc. It's starting to hit me in different ways. I'm taking it as it comes. Sometimes it's through a lot of tears. Once again, it's not because I'm losing my breasts; it's due to change -- forever change -- one more step of my journey. I'm feeling like I'm always changing right now -- which is true. I guess I feel I can't get my footing under me. One thing happens,then the next, the next and the next follows. Ok. I'm flexible, but please, let me breathe. And I find it so funny that I'm feeling this way, because I've always been that type of person, I can change and be flexible on a dime. I've had to do this most of my professional life as well as while being a mom, you're forever changing on a dime, right? Well, now, I'm wanting to slow this process down a bit. I need to be able to absorb. Perhaps, I'm learning about my patience -- learning not to do the knee-jerk reactions that so often happen in our daily lives. I'm a newby in the change of this cancer lifestyle. I also said it out loud again to my family the other day as well as to a friend: I want this cancer out of me. That is my truth still. Please, God, take it out of me! But the chemo is working and I know the "shrinkage" is my new best friend. Contrary to old episodes of Seinfeld, SHRINKAGE is great for me concerning my tumors!
Gotta love it.
I'm starting to go down the road of exhaustion right now. It's funny how it suddenly hits and my brain gets foggy and weak. Now is the time to exit out of this blog. My cup's still half full, it's just a little too full for it's own good if you know what I mean.
Keeping up the faith and doing all I can to get through this any way I can!
Ciao, ciao!
Of course, when one has chemo administered into their bodies, it's certainly not a warm and fuzzy feeling as it does it's job. It's there to seek out and destroy as I've come to visualize.
Sunday was one of those days. My goodness, I felt sloggy all over again even though I feel ahead of the intestinal game. So sad I have to find little triumphs somehow even if it means discussing my bowels. LOL. Go figure. That's what keeps life interesting, right? I guess no one can say I'm boring. That is one thing I promised my hubby 28 years ago -- he would NEVER EVER be bored with me. I think I've kept my end of that bargain.
I felt so proud of myself today because I was able able to cook up a huge stock pot of chicken noodle soup. I have come to completely rely on this basic staple. There is nothing easier or healthier than to cook your own chicken noodle soup. It is the soup of the soul. Even the chemo can't ruin the flavor! There's a triumph! out-maneuvering the chemo. I think I'm getting pretty feisty about finishing up and succeeding past this chemo. All I know is I have only 2 more treatments! Dear GAWD, 2 more. I can and will do this and then I can gear up for my major surgery.
I'm already gearing up. I have to. I have been for weeks now. I think one thing that surprises me the most is the different stages I've been going through for this preparation of surgery. I knew I had it all intellectualized already. But then other factors have come into play now -- emotional, physical, future self-realization, spiritual, psychological, etc. It's starting to hit me in different ways. I'm taking it as it comes. Sometimes it's through a lot of tears. Once again, it's not because I'm losing my breasts; it's due to change -- forever change -- one more step of my journey. I'm feeling like I'm always changing right now -- which is true. I guess I feel I can't get my footing under me. One thing happens,then the next, the next and the next follows. Ok. I'm flexible, but please, let me breathe. And I find it so funny that I'm feeling this way, because I've always been that type of person, I can change and be flexible on a dime. I've had to do this most of my professional life as well as while being a mom, you're forever changing on a dime, right? Well, now, I'm wanting to slow this process down a bit. I need to be able to absorb. Perhaps, I'm learning about my patience -- learning not to do the knee-jerk reactions that so often happen in our daily lives. I'm a newby in the change of this cancer lifestyle. I also said it out loud again to my family the other day as well as to a friend: I want this cancer out of me. That is my truth still. Please, God, take it out of me! But the chemo is working and I know the "shrinkage" is my new best friend. Contrary to old episodes of Seinfeld, SHRINKAGE is great for me concerning my tumors!
Gotta love it.
I'm starting to go down the road of exhaustion right now. It's funny how it suddenly hits and my brain gets foggy and weak. Now is the time to exit out of this blog. My cup's still half full, it's just a little too full for it's own good if you know what I mean.
Keeping up the faith and doing all I can to get through this any way I can!
Ciao, ciao!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Chemo #4 FINISHED!!! 2 treaments left!!!
Yes, it's true. I just finished my chemo 4 treatment. No surprises other than they cut back a little more off Taxere to help me deal with my mouth issues -- I was experiencing mouth sores, but then last time they cut it back, but then I developed the strangest roughness that stopped me from being able to taste anything. So strange. It was as though I had a bad coating of fat all around my gums and not able to taste anything. Then it through my tastebuds way off. We will see if this new adjustment will make a difference.
The biggest and best news of all was the fact that BOTH docs agreed my tumors have shrunk more! I felt like busting out with tears. But all I could do was smile and just enjoy those words. I cannot believe I would love hearing: SHRINKAGE!!! But I love it. I love it so much. The craziness of all this toxic chemo is working, but more than that, I know all the prayers, good positive thoughts, great energy coming my way and all that LOVE is helping me! I know that in my soul. So amazing. Wow, what a roller coaster ride this is. I would never have believed it to this great degree how much I go up and down. Part of the process.
I gave my oncologist, Dr. B, my list of side effects and he stated they are all normal side effects -- oh joy. But at least there is nothing that is too daunting to deal with.
The docs also loved the fact my lymphodema PT is working. They saw the reduction in my swelling. I have a ways to go, of course, to get back to normal, but it's well on its way.
So now I will be very restful and take it easier for the next 5 days because this is the time that I have quite a bit of chemo in me. It really does slog a person down -- at least this person feels that way. I have learned to go with it. But no nausea.
One thing my oncologist told me that now in this stage of the game I may -- May-- not cast in stone, develop a tingling sensation in my fingers and/or toes. If this happens, they will take away the Taxere. Fine with me. But I may not see any of this. But at this phase of the chemo treatments, this can occur. Please, don't let it happen. I just have 2 more chemos and I want to coast this out without any incidents. So close now.
After all the chemos, I get 4 weeks off maybe a little more, but most likely 4 weeks. I will then have my bi-lateral mastectomy plus the removal of the affected lymph nodes from my left underarm.(axillary). I will be meeting my reconstructive plastic surgeon sometime in July. The team is starting to get ready for my planof attack.
I am in the process of trying to get myself completely ready for this radical change in my life. It's not going to be a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination. You just don't lop these breasts off. It's a real big deal and I have to catch up with that fact. I realize I'm not DEFINED by my tah-tahs. But there is the other aspect to consider. I will be different. I am different now. I will have a sense of relief getting rid of the cancer. I will also have to have radiation on a part of my center chest area as well. Not sure what the plan is for that at this point, but I will have that going on soon after my surgery. A lot to take on and a lot to come to terms with. And I will. It's the journey. My journey and I have to figure this out. I will. I'm doing well and I feel I'm doing this in a very healthy and logical manner. It's not to say I don't mourn. I do. I do a lot at times. But it's not for the vanity issues at all. They have been a part of me all my life. I had the honor of being able to nurse both of my daughters. I feel so blessed to have had that opportunity to give this to both of my daughters in the beginning of their lives. So beautiful, so bonding, so well-worth it. I am eternally grateful for this gift. But now it's different. It's survival -- literally. So that is my choice and I'm at peace with this decision.
I was also given permission today to be able to travel up to see my mom and family/friends for a short trip up to Eureka! I imagine I'll be able to do so a couple weeks after my last chemo treatment! I am so excited about this. I need to see my mom before I go in for surgery. It's actually easier for me to travel to see her rather than have my 88 year-old mom travel to see me. She'll be safe in her home; a sense of security being in her own home and not having to deal with so much change. They can get so disoriented. This is why I need to see her up there. I'm missing my former home a bit. I feel I need to do this before my surgery. Boy, are you in for a surprise seeing my BALDNESS!!! LOL!! Oh, well. I feel so comfortable with this look. No wigs still. I just cannot do it. Too hot on the head and very odd for me. No way.
Yes, my Cup's Half Full! Hanging in there and hoping this go around with chemo won't be too dramatic. Who really knows? I will go with it -- can't help but have to go through it either way! Right?
Sending back love
Ciao, Ciao
The biggest and best news of all was the fact that BOTH docs agreed my tumors have shrunk more! I felt like busting out with tears. But all I could do was smile and just enjoy those words. I cannot believe I would love hearing: SHRINKAGE!!! But I love it. I love it so much. The craziness of all this toxic chemo is working, but more than that, I know all the prayers, good positive thoughts, great energy coming my way and all that LOVE is helping me! I know that in my soul. So amazing. Wow, what a roller coaster ride this is. I would never have believed it to this great degree how much I go up and down. Part of the process.
I gave my oncologist, Dr. B, my list of side effects and he stated they are all normal side effects -- oh joy. But at least there is nothing that is too daunting to deal with.
The docs also loved the fact my lymphodema PT is working. They saw the reduction in my swelling. I have a ways to go, of course, to get back to normal, but it's well on its way.
So now I will be very restful and take it easier for the next 5 days because this is the time that I have quite a bit of chemo in me. It really does slog a person down -- at least this person feels that way. I have learned to go with it. But no nausea.
One thing my oncologist told me that now in this stage of the game I may -- May-- not cast in stone, develop a tingling sensation in my fingers and/or toes. If this happens, they will take away the Taxere. Fine with me. But I may not see any of this. But at this phase of the chemo treatments, this can occur. Please, don't let it happen. I just have 2 more chemos and I want to coast this out without any incidents. So close now.
After all the chemos, I get 4 weeks off maybe a little more, but most likely 4 weeks. I will then have my bi-lateral mastectomy plus the removal of the affected lymph nodes from my left underarm.(axillary). I will be meeting my reconstructive plastic surgeon sometime in July. The team is starting to get ready for my planof attack.
I am in the process of trying to get myself completely ready for this radical change in my life. It's not going to be a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination. You just don't lop these breasts off. It's a real big deal and I have to catch up with that fact. I realize I'm not DEFINED by my tah-tahs. But there is the other aspect to consider. I will be different. I am different now. I will have a sense of relief getting rid of the cancer. I will also have to have radiation on a part of my center chest area as well. Not sure what the plan is for that at this point, but I will have that going on soon after my surgery. A lot to take on and a lot to come to terms with. And I will. It's the journey. My journey and I have to figure this out. I will. I'm doing well and I feel I'm doing this in a very healthy and logical manner. It's not to say I don't mourn. I do. I do a lot at times. But it's not for the vanity issues at all. They have been a part of me all my life. I had the honor of being able to nurse both of my daughters. I feel so blessed to have had that opportunity to give this to both of my daughters in the beginning of their lives. So beautiful, so bonding, so well-worth it. I am eternally grateful for this gift. But now it's different. It's survival -- literally. So that is my choice and I'm at peace with this decision.
I was also given permission today to be able to travel up to see my mom and family/friends for a short trip up to Eureka! I imagine I'll be able to do so a couple weeks after my last chemo treatment! I am so excited about this. I need to see my mom before I go in for surgery. It's actually easier for me to travel to see her rather than have my 88 year-old mom travel to see me. She'll be safe in her home; a sense of security being in her own home and not having to deal with so much change. They can get so disoriented. This is why I need to see her up there. I'm missing my former home a bit. I feel I need to do this before my surgery. Boy, are you in for a surprise seeing my BALDNESS!!! LOL!! Oh, well. I feel so comfortable with this look. No wigs still. I just cannot do it. Too hot on the head and very odd for me. No way.
Yes, my Cup's Half Full! Hanging in there and hoping this go around with chemo won't be too dramatic. Who really knows? I will go with it -- can't help but have to go through it either way! Right?
Sending back love
Ciao, Ciao
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Lymphodema PT
I began my physical theraphy for my right arm this past Thursday. I was evaluated by Emily, my new PT for my swelling in my right arm. Very interesting to learn about how our bodies work with regard to our lymphatic system. I was given some homework to do over the weekend to get me started loosening up the swelling that is primarily in my upper arm & armpit area. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that all I need to do is lightly stroke the areas that are affected in a certain circular motion to get it to travel to the different lymphatic areas.
I went to my appointment today in Corona for my official first day of treatment on my right arm. It went really well. She knew I had was pretty diligent working on my affected area. She could tell by how much fluid was located in my armpit. She was able to move the fluid after about 30 minutes of a certain type of massage. Very interesting to say the least and it was really relaxing. She is letting me know my arm will improve, but it will take some time. Amazing how our bodies work and how long it takes to heal. No quick fixes; just a lot of diligence and consistency and follow-through in order for improvement. I don't mind it at all. I just want full use of my arm again without the swelling.
Overall, I'm feeling pretty normal right now (what is my new normal, that is). I took a rest today -- had a power nap and then was ready for the rest of the afternoon. Pretty much now, I must take rests and/or naps in order to make it through the day without becoming completely incapacitated. Still must keep up the fluids and make sure I have my little snacks nearby.
I have my 4th chemo treatment this Thursday, June 9. I begin, once again, with my anti-inflammatories tomorrow. I have truly grown to resent the heck out of those pills. I just don't like what it does to my body; but it does prevent me from major reactions to the Taxotere (chemo drug) I am administered. Boy, it keeps me awake so then I must take a sleeping pill. But I must say, the sleep aid I take is great because I do not have a hangover effect like I used to have with Tylenol PM.
I guess I'm rather quiet these days regarding the writing about my treatment. I can feel my tumors are shrinking and cannot wait for my docs to see the progress. I'm surprised how routine I'm feeling about this treatment. I'm doing what I can which is taking care of myself. I always feel guilt regarding how hard my family works for me. They insist and I have given up fighting them. There simply is no point in arguing or trying to prove something to myself when all it does is put me in a vulnerable situation in the longrun. So I go with the program anymore.
I, like others, simply want to have my life back and freedoms to come and go as we please. I must learn more patience and that is a daily battle for me. Everyone is living their lives. I sit here watching the grass grow. LOL.
But then I remember reality. But it's hard not to feel these feelings.
So for now, I'm status quo. Feeling strong and resting well. I get to do things outside the home for a few more hours which I savor! My prayers & positive attitude is stronger than ever and keeps me level of stress to minimum levels. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm already getting prepared for my surgery which will happen in mid August. I know this one is going to be a true test of my being. Lots of thoughts on this subject, but am not willing to write about it currently. I think it would exhaust me to go there currently -- not to mention I know my tears will start the flood-gates again and I don't want to do that now. Will touch on this subject later, but not now.
I am enjoying this beautiful weather -- don't like the wind, but could be worse.
I'm doing well and I hope for continued prayers, good thoughts and great energy coming from my extended friends and family.
Ciao! Ciao all!
I went to my appointment today in Corona for my official first day of treatment on my right arm. It went really well. She knew I had was pretty diligent working on my affected area. She could tell by how much fluid was located in my armpit. She was able to move the fluid after about 30 minutes of a certain type of massage. Very interesting to say the least and it was really relaxing. She is letting me know my arm will improve, but it will take some time. Amazing how our bodies work and how long it takes to heal. No quick fixes; just a lot of diligence and consistency and follow-through in order for improvement. I don't mind it at all. I just want full use of my arm again without the swelling.
Overall, I'm feeling pretty normal right now (what is my new normal, that is). I took a rest today -- had a power nap and then was ready for the rest of the afternoon. Pretty much now, I must take rests and/or naps in order to make it through the day without becoming completely incapacitated. Still must keep up the fluids and make sure I have my little snacks nearby.
I have my 4th chemo treatment this Thursday, June 9. I begin, once again, with my anti-inflammatories tomorrow. I have truly grown to resent the heck out of those pills. I just don't like what it does to my body; but it does prevent me from major reactions to the Taxotere (chemo drug) I am administered. Boy, it keeps me awake so then I must take a sleeping pill. But I must say, the sleep aid I take is great because I do not have a hangover effect like I used to have with Tylenol PM.
I guess I'm rather quiet these days regarding the writing about my treatment. I can feel my tumors are shrinking and cannot wait for my docs to see the progress. I'm surprised how routine I'm feeling about this treatment. I'm doing what I can which is taking care of myself. I always feel guilt regarding how hard my family works for me. They insist and I have given up fighting them. There simply is no point in arguing or trying to prove something to myself when all it does is put me in a vulnerable situation in the longrun. So I go with the program anymore.
I, like others, simply want to have my life back and freedoms to come and go as we please. I must learn more patience and that is a daily battle for me. Everyone is living their lives. I sit here watching the grass grow. LOL.
But then I remember reality. But it's hard not to feel these feelings.
So for now, I'm status quo. Feeling strong and resting well. I get to do things outside the home for a few more hours which I savor! My prayers & positive attitude is stronger than ever and keeps me level of stress to minimum levels. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm already getting prepared for my surgery which will happen in mid August. I know this one is going to be a true test of my being. Lots of thoughts on this subject, but am not willing to write about it currently. I think it would exhaust me to go there currently -- not to mention I know my tears will start the flood-gates again and I don't want to do that now. Will touch on this subject later, but not now.
I am enjoying this beautiful weather -- don't like the wind, but could be worse.
I'm doing well and I hope for continued prayers, good thoughts and great energy coming from my extended friends and family.
Ciao! Ciao all!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
On the mend
After being on the antibiotics for 4 days, I'm definitely on the mend. I managed to dodge a bullet by not needing to go the hospital afterall. I responded very quickly to the effects of the antibiotics. And I haven't gotten a yeast infection as of now, but am ready with ammo if I do start to feel those symptoms to rear their ugly little heads.
I do, however, have this lingering cough which I am watching closely. It's a big cough that exhausts me by the end of the day. I don't cough all day, thank goodness, but when I do cough, it's very intense. Today, I've begun to take a decongestant to see if this can assist in breaking it up.
Life has been very limited for me and am starting to climb the walls a bit. I did get out yesterday for a while so we were able to take in a lunch, a few errands then come home. I wasn't exhausted but my cough really came on strong for a while. So I began my regimen of hot tea and gargling. I'm sure out local winds do not help this cough. I do know a lot of people here are really suffering big time with all their allergies. So we'll see what gives.
I have almost forgotten, but I finally found --or I should say, Jim found me a Lymphodema PT in Corona -- about 25 minutes up the road. So tomorrow I go get an evaluation as to how we will proceed with my veins in my right arm. I don't actually have a lymph node issues, but this surrounds my lack of blood flow from my port I had removed. I continue to have some swelling and discolorations. I can also visibly see where my surface veins are more prominent. So they need to be redirected to get the other veins involved once again for proper blood flow. I'm rather excited to see and meet this PT for my next plan of attack. Hey, I have to have some sort of something to look forward to. LOL.
Other than that, my dogs are really good. Poor Chewy got attacked by me and my scissors the other day. At least I can see his cute little eyes, ears and mouth again! LOL. Woody continues to be such a sweet and ever-so-faithful boy. Of course, my family is my strength and continued support. All my close friends seem to know when they should call. THANK YOU. It's times like these when we find out who are your true friends. I send my love back at you. I continue to pray, meditate and try to visualize the positive outcome of this journey. Somes days are easier than others. I pray that this disease will be erradicated one day.
My cup's half full but being challenged! I will get through this. I think its one step at a time. Give me strength. Give me Hope and above all Give me the Love so as this cancer has no room to stay!
Ciao, Ciao!
I do, however, have this lingering cough which I am watching closely. It's a big cough that exhausts me by the end of the day. I don't cough all day, thank goodness, but when I do cough, it's very intense. Today, I've begun to take a decongestant to see if this can assist in breaking it up.
Life has been very limited for me and am starting to climb the walls a bit. I did get out yesterday for a while so we were able to take in a lunch, a few errands then come home. I wasn't exhausted but my cough really came on strong for a while. So I began my regimen of hot tea and gargling. I'm sure out local winds do not help this cough. I do know a lot of people here are really suffering big time with all their allergies. So we'll see what gives.
I have almost forgotten, but I finally found --or I should say, Jim found me a Lymphodema PT in Corona -- about 25 minutes up the road. So tomorrow I go get an evaluation as to how we will proceed with my veins in my right arm. I don't actually have a lymph node issues, but this surrounds my lack of blood flow from my port I had removed. I continue to have some swelling and discolorations. I can also visibly see where my surface veins are more prominent. So they need to be redirected to get the other veins involved once again for proper blood flow. I'm rather excited to see and meet this PT for my next plan of attack. Hey, I have to have some sort of something to look forward to. LOL.
Other than that, my dogs are really good. Poor Chewy got attacked by me and my scissors the other day. At least I can see his cute little eyes, ears and mouth again! LOL. Woody continues to be such a sweet and ever-so-faithful boy. Of course, my family is my strength and continued support. All my close friends seem to know when they should call. THANK YOU. It's times like these when we find out who are your true friends. I send my love back at you. I continue to pray, meditate and try to visualize the positive outcome of this journey. Somes days are easier than others. I pray that this disease will be erradicated one day.
My cup's half full but being challenged! I will get through this. I think its one step at a time. Give me strength. Give me Hope and above all Give me the Love so as this cancer has no room to stay!
Ciao, Ciao!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
White blood cells are low
My body is having some fun now. Yesterday I was so excited to be able to go to my friend's wedding reception, but had to be really good all day cuz I woke up pretty tired and not feeling energized. I took notice but just did what I usually do -- rest. By the late afternoon, we went to the reception. It was so wonderful to be there. I met new people and was greeted with open arms. Had pictures taken, etc. It was wonderful to share in our friend's new beginning with the new love in her life. But I had to cut it short. I was there for 2 hours, but I began to crash, so I didn't want it to become and issue, so we made our apologies and had to leave. I got to the car and was somewhat out of breath. I thought it was the wind and my body really have to fight that wind. By the time I got home I was exhausted and began to get body aches. My cough was awful. We're pretty sure it's the chemo cough. So much fun. My persona was changing pretty quickly as I felt worse --I was pretty cranky and intolerable about a lot of little things. So I put myself to bed. I was pretty hot and sweaty most of the night. Didn't cough too much only the first hour. But eventually I fell asleep.
Woke up by 7:30am this morning and felt well enough to make us breakfast. I love being able to do something for my husband especially these days. I want to be able to give back when I can. So after breakfast, I was pretty tired. So I became a couch potatoe. During the course of the early afternoon, we had a service man come to the house to do some work on our Dish network. During that time, I took my temperature because I began to feel very feverish. Low and behold I have 101.9. I have been instructed that if I have a temp of 100 or above, I must take antibiotics due to it may be an underlying issue -- in this case it's lowered drop in white blood cells.Apparently, this can happen between 8 - 11 days after your chemo treatment. Today is day 11. I'm so classic. Had to call an on-call oncologist due to the fact my guy is on vacation. His name is Dr. Energy. Love that name; don't you? Love it! He asked a lot of questions and I answered a lot. Bottom line, if I don't feel better by this evening, I will have to go to the hospital and get checked in. My oncologist won't be back in town till Tuesday. The good news is my fever just broke. I will take another antibiotic by 8pm tonight to give me a "boost".
I'm asking for prayers, good thoughts, positive thoughts and good energy. My journey is continuing on but it's taking a detour at the moment. Will keep all posted. I'm eating well and drinking well. I will get ahead of this.
I think the only thing else that would add insult to injury would now to get a lovely yeast infection due to the antibiotics. ARRRGGGHHH!!! I will begin to ingest my greek yogurt. Wish me luck all! Here I go.
Ciao, Ciao
Woke up by 7:30am this morning and felt well enough to make us breakfast. I love being able to do something for my husband especially these days. I want to be able to give back when I can. So after breakfast, I was pretty tired. So I became a couch potatoe. During the course of the early afternoon, we had a service man come to the house to do some work on our Dish network. During that time, I took my temperature because I began to feel very feverish. Low and behold I have 101.9. I have been instructed that if I have a temp of 100 or above, I must take antibiotics due to it may be an underlying issue -- in this case it's lowered drop in white blood cells.Apparently, this can happen between 8 - 11 days after your chemo treatment. Today is day 11. I'm so classic. Had to call an on-call oncologist due to the fact my guy is on vacation. His name is Dr. Energy. Love that name; don't you? Love it! He asked a lot of questions and I answered a lot. Bottom line, if I don't feel better by this evening, I will have to go to the hospital and get checked in. My oncologist won't be back in town till Tuesday. The good news is my fever just broke. I will take another antibiotic by 8pm tonight to give me a "boost".
I'm asking for prayers, good thoughts, positive thoughts and good energy. My journey is continuing on but it's taking a detour at the moment. Will keep all posted. I'm eating well and drinking well. I will get ahead of this.
I think the only thing else that would add insult to injury would now to get a lovely yeast infection due to the antibiotics. ARRRGGGHHH!!! I will begin to ingest my greek yogurt. Wish me luck all! Here I go.
Ciao, Ciao
Saturday, May 28, 2011
It's going pretty well now.
It's been over a week now since my 3rd chemo and I finally feel like I can share what has been going on with me.
The 3rd treatment went well. My red and white cell counts were very good and in the higher range they need to be. I started out with a bank of red blood cells and I have used some of the bank which is what we expect. There is nothing I can do to prevent my body from using up these extra cells. The chemo, as you all know, is very toxic and uses the good cells and bad cells. So it's doing it's job. But I'm still in the the really good range within my blood cells are concerned. I'm not in the lower end. But being the sensitive being that I am I feel when my body is out of balance. My white cells are really good. Once again, nothing I can do to change this; just keep on eating my clean foods -- organic is the way, but I'll be very honest, when I feel like I want a powdered donut, I will take a couple bites to satisfy that "yen." But it's really not that often. I really am carnivorous! I am a red meat freak for the first time in my life. I've always steered away from major meats, but I would have a filet ever so often or a few bites of prime rib. But now, since the chemo, I am a freak about my red meat. So I've been trying different cuts of buffalo, tri-tip, very lean ground beef. Then I'll have lamb, fish, lean pork. I love my pork. But the red meat is a major craving. It's my body. I'm listening big time to it. I do want vegies too, but most of the time it's steamed or in soups. I don't eat salads the way I used to at all. I find it's very difficult to digest. Turns out I'm right on the money. I really don't need to have salads(raw) currently if I don't want just because of the difficulty of the digestion process. But it's whatever I want. I am doing the best for my body and still using the common sense approach without going totally over the top strigent. The body is an amazing machine that will tell you as long as your are truly listening to what it wants. Consequently, I don't do sauces, major spices at all or complex flavors. They simply don't taste good and it's difficult for me to digest. And I'm finding out my digestion is also very key.
I have so much more energy this go around than I have in the past 2 chemos. It's more than likely due to the fact not recooperating from surgeries. All surrounding my port issues. Thank goodness. My right arm is still not functioning properly so I have to find a Lympodema PT specialist who can give me the proper type massage and compression work I need. My surgeon wants me to have this done close to home so I don't have to be on the crazy freeways down here getting to my PT twice a week for 6 weeks. But I'm having a very difficult time finding my PT person. You would think with a demographic of over 200,000 people there is going to be someone here. But I will find them next week at this point. It's the Memorial Weekend and no one is around at this point. But I was so surprised with the new hospital here, Loma Linda and their lack of information for me. I was basically brushed off and left to "find it on my own." Which, frankly, is a bunch of crap. So if I can't find anyone here, I have been instructed by my doc to contact them back and I will simply do the drive and go to Scripps and continue with their expertise. I don't have the tolerance for this. I need to get my poor veins redirected back into their normal state of being so the blood can flow properly through my arm and ultimately get to my heart. The body works extra hard when it's not functioning. And I need to keep my energy at it's best so I don' hit the wall.
This portion of my blog may bother some of you, but this is simply to keep it honest and real and it may help someone else realize they are not a freak or this is normal course of business while on chemo. It's not meant to gross anyone out. And if it does, be responsible and skip this part.
By Monday of this week, I obviously have a consistent issue with my body by the 4th day of each chemo. My body wants to purge the chemo. My intestines are working fine and they want to purge. The only problem is that they cramp up so big -- it feels like I'm being disemboweled. You think I'm exaggerating? Hell no! I now know true humility. I was alone in the house when it hit. The pain seared through and then stopped midway through and continued to build with the pain. It literally takes my breath away (and not in a good way). Of course, I'm working on my breathing and relaxation; however, in this case, it doesn't work. The body wants to do what it wants to do. So my body begins to sweat profusely then go into chills. Talk about prayerful moments of pleadings! OMG! I realize I might pass out. I'm getting that hearing issue and lights are beginning to happen. I've already had my moments before passing out onto the ground and fracturing my nose; so all I could think about was getting to the floor. And, yes, you got it, there are other issues that want to come out simultaneously. But one has to do what one has to do. I got to the floor, but I was so weak I was forced to lie down completely. Yes, prostrate myself completely in order to try to stop the spasms in my intestines. Once they stop for a bit, I could only crawl. Yes, crawling. Crawling all the way to my family room so I could get to a phone. Oh, did I mention I didn't have a phone with me? Of all times. That won't happen again. Anyway, I get to to the couch pull myself up and get the damn phone. Call Jim. I wasn't panicked or even scared, just needing assistance through this. I waited for a few more minutes on the floor and when I felt strong enough and no more spasms I was able to get up. I had to go back to the bathroom unfortunately. So I got myself there. Finally my chemo poop came out. The stuff is nothing like anything one has normally. So toxic. The good news is it's a good thing to purge it out of the body. Dear God, does it have to be so dramatic? Geez. Upon finally finishing this whole ordeal, I was able to stagger (yes, stagger) to the nearest couch in my formal living room and spread out completely while waiting for Jim and Ash to arrive. I felt as though I had run a marathon and I was completely exhausted. So there I lay till my hubby and daughter got home. They got me fluids cuz I was a bit dehydrated. They are so supportive and yet not alarmed. I was ushered back to bed where I stayed for 5 more hours. I slept on and off and ate ever so often when I would wake up. What a freaky day. Next day rolls around I was fine! Good energy, I was able to go out and do some errands and be apart of the living and productive human race. Those little joys help me out so much.
My oncologist cut back one of my chemo meds to tailor it more so I wouldn't have mouth sores. Isn't that cool? Stopping the sores without losing the potency to attack the cancer? Pretty cool my doc is so flexible. I love that about him and my oncologist nurse, Regan. Awesome. Anyway, instead of mouth sores, I now have had for the past 5 days is a coating in my mouth and tongue. It's reminiscent of when you have a high fat content ice cream coat your mouth completely. So when you put food into your mouth it's coated immediately and one cannot taste a thing. I had lost my tastebuds. It didn't hurt. It was simply awful not to be able to taste anything. So I was relegated to bland diet stuff. I had made my homemade chicken noodle soup, which saved me. I ate scrambled eggs and white toast; I ate cream of wheat with blueberries. Oh, yes, that's the other thing, I haven't eaten white bread in literally 30 plus years. But since chemo has started, I eat it on a regular basis. It's soothing on the belly and easy to digest. Reminds me of the days when I was a little girl up in Humboldt County and Big Loaf Bread was the staple of our house. I would peel off the crust and then squeeze the white portion of the bread into a ball and eat it this way. Totally yeasty and doughy! Oh, those were the days! LOL.
Yes, I've lost a little more weight. Not a lot, which is a good thing. I'm NOT trying to lose weight at all. I know I need my fighting weight. I have 3 more chemos and I'm trying to prepare myself for the worse because one never knows how your body will ultimately react each and every time. I also realize that the chemo can build on top of each treatment. Hey, as long as it's doing it' job! I want and demand shrinkage! I visualize this all the time. I keep on seeing it do it's job and having it's ultimate war with the cancer.
Ok, so there is more that has happened this time. Keeps my rather dull life a little more interesting with the inconveniences of chemo. I now have a fungus in both of my armpits. WTF? In my armpits? How, why, when..... They turned a lovely shade of dark red/purplish. No open sores, just itchy and burning. Contacted the do and they told me to apply Lotrimin -- athlete's foot cream-- makes me feel so sexy all over. ARRRRGGGHHHH. It's helping and it's in the process of leaving my body. Apparently, this is a common occurence when one's immune system is compromised. So now I also use Dove Sensitive, unscented soap. Has moisturizers in it as well. No more perfumy type cleansers and/or body washes. The good news is I didn't get a sun rash this time or break out in major zits this time.
Hey, get this: My hair is sprouting back. I have black/brown stubble all over my head. Wow! I think it has to do with the elimination of the Adrimycin out of the chemo cocktail. That's cool. Should be interesting to see how it comes back in. But I don't dwell on that aspect of my life for some reason.
I am very content wearing all my scarves and hats and bandanas. I keep a variety of looks available for myself. So far so good. I have this cool scarf now from a dear from that has peace signs all over it and it's very gauzy and cooling. I also have a t-shirt that has a peace sign on it as well, so I'm seen out in public sometimes with my "peace" energy going on. Oh, well, I have to have a little fun. This weekend I want to go get my Harley Davidson Bandana! I really want one. I don't even ride, I just like the attitude about it. Keeping it fun and light. I don't like taking myself too serious these days at all. Before this is over, I will be out in public without a hat or scarf. I know that's going to flip some people -- oh, well. Get over it. It's my pretty little noggin. And I love all the earrings I'm wearing as well. Since I cannot hide behind my hair, I might as well accent what I have left. I make a big effort now to put a little makeup to accent my eyes. I still have my eyebrows and the majority of my eyelashes. Yes, there has been some thinning, but it looks like I was perfectly waxed without the ripping. I'm totally NUCLEAR! And I think I might even glow in the dark! LOL
Each day I am getting stronger. This go around with the exception of Monday has been pretty forgiving. I can deal with whatever is being thrown at me. However, I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture here. I have my emotional moments still. Not nearly the level it was like my 2nd chemo. Oh, dear gawd, I didn't lose it like I did last time. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This time I only had spasms in my right ovary that lasted 4 days. (randomly) I can take that much better knowing I'm not a total freak.
Did you know we as humans release an enzyme from our bodies when we are stressed that causes us to cry?
Apparently, I've been burying a bit of my stress and that is why I will randomly cry. I don't try to stop it because it's so unhealthy to do that. There is a reason why we cry. Our body is releasing the toxins/stress that have built up. You know, like when steam blows off? That's what our bodies are doing. That was a cool little tidbit I wanted to share so for those who feel out of control when they cry -- don't try to stop it. Let your body purge it. Once again, I cry randomly. I even cried at chemo. I was missing my daughter, Amy, so deeply -- I could feel it all the way in my womb. I simply lost it. I didn't do the ugly cry, but I wept. Jim sat there encouraging me along -- so did Ashley. I know they are my unsung heroes. They tolerate so much. That is why we all talk a lot and clean the closets so-to-speak because it's difficult being a caregiver -- day in and day out. Everyone is doing their daily living, working, paying their own bills, raising kids, dealing with life -- meanwhile, I sit in limbo and my job is to get well. I feel like life is passing by. I will get on the other side of this. However, the reality is the here and the now. I do embrace the simple things probably even more than I ever did. I used to have colleagues or people in my life that would make comments how I seem to embrace the simple things in life. You have no idea how much more I do now. I love listening to the birds outside my windows of my bedroom or family room. I love watching them play. I love observing people even more now -- don't know how that's possible, but it is. When I smell something so delightful it truly sends me to my happy place. I especially love it when my hubby hugs me or someone looks at me in my eyes. I love it when I have a hand massage. I will never make excuses for this ever. If it makes me happy, great! It's just that simple. I know I will do something after all this in the real world -- still don't know what, but I will be fine.
I'm so excited today cuz I get to go out to a friend's wedding reception. I can't wait. It's like my field trip for the day. I'm resting and drinking my fluids so I can be bright and not sluggish. I really don't know a lot of people there, but that's never been a problem for me to be at a public event among strangers. It's sunny, light breeze and I get to be on a mini date with my hubby. It's going to be fun.
I think I've blabbered long enough. I know it's hard to visualize how I really am. If it weren't for my baldness, you really couldn't tell that there is an issue. I walk talk and don't slink and pull my shoulders foward. I still walk with energy in my step -- make not at big but still have that energy. That means a lot to me. But when I'm fatigued, I'm not walking a lot. It kicks my butt. So I listen. I'm listening!!!
The shrinkage continues, thank God! Please keep us all in your good thoughts, prayers and good energy.
I do feel them. It's amazing. Amazing.
Keep all our Veterans in your prayers and their families this weekend. They have paid the ultimate price and we cannot ever forget that! That is why we are Americans and that is why we have our freedoms. I get so choked up when I think how often we take so much for granted in this country. It's because of our Vets. I, personally, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! And I could never be as brave. It's very humbling.
Happy Memorial Day!
Ciao, Ciao
The 3rd treatment went well. My red and white cell counts were very good and in the higher range they need to be. I started out with a bank of red blood cells and I have used some of the bank which is what we expect. There is nothing I can do to prevent my body from using up these extra cells. The chemo, as you all know, is very toxic and uses the good cells and bad cells. So it's doing it's job. But I'm still in the the really good range within my blood cells are concerned. I'm not in the lower end. But being the sensitive being that I am I feel when my body is out of balance. My white cells are really good. Once again, nothing I can do to change this; just keep on eating my clean foods -- organic is the way, but I'll be very honest, when I feel like I want a powdered donut, I will take a couple bites to satisfy that "yen." But it's really not that often. I really am carnivorous! I am a red meat freak for the first time in my life. I've always steered away from major meats, but I would have a filet ever so often or a few bites of prime rib. But now, since the chemo, I am a freak about my red meat. So I've been trying different cuts of buffalo, tri-tip, very lean ground beef. Then I'll have lamb, fish, lean pork. I love my pork. But the red meat is a major craving. It's my body. I'm listening big time to it. I do want vegies too, but most of the time it's steamed or in soups. I don't eat salads the way I used to at all. I find it's very difficult to digest. Turns out I'm right on the money. I really don't need to have salads(raw) currently if I don't want just because of the difficulty of the digestion process. But it's whatever I want. I am doing the best for my body and still using the common sense approach without going totally over the top strigent. The body is an amazing machine that will tell you as long as your are truly listening to what it wants. Consequently, I don't do sauces, major spices at all or complex flavors. They simply don't taste good and it's difficult for me to digest. And I'm finding out my digestion is also very key.
I have so much more energy this go around than I have in the past 2 chemos. It's more than likely due to the fact not recooperating from surgeries. All surrounding my port issues. Thank goodness. My right arm is still not functioning properly so I have to find a Lympodema PT specialist who can give me the proper type massage and compression work I need. My surgeon wants me to have this done close to home so I don't have to be on the crazy freeways down here getting to my PT twice a week for 6 weeks. But I'm having a very difficult time finding my PT person. You would think with a demographic of over 200,000 people there is going to be someone here. But I will find them next week at this point. It's the Memorial Weekend and no one is around at this point. But I was so surprised with the new hospital here, Loma Linda and their lack of information for me. I was basically brushed off and left to "find it on my own." Which, frankly, is a bunch of crap. So if I can't find anyone here, I have been instructed by my doc to contact them back and I will simply do the drive and go to Scripps and continue with their expertise. I don't have the tolerance for this. I need to get my poor veins redirected back into their normal state of being so the blood can flow properly through my arm and ultimately get to my heart. The body works extra hard when it's not functioning. And I need to keep my energy at it's best so I don' hit the wall.
This portion of my blog may bother some of you, but this is simply to keep it honest and real and it may help someone else realize they are not a freak or this is normal course of business while on chemo. It's not meant to gross anyone out. And if it does, be responsible and skip this part.
By Monday of this week, I obviously have a consistent issue with my body by the 4th day of each chemo. My body wants to purge the chemo. My intestines are working fine and they want to purge. The only problem is that they cramp up so big -- it feels like I'm being disemboweled. You think I'm exaggerating? Hell no! I now know true humility. I was alone in the house when it hit. The pain seared through and then stopped midway through and continued to build with the pain. It literally takes my breath away (and not in a good way). Of course, I'm working on my breathing and relaxation; however, in this case, it doesn't work. The body wants to do what it wants to do. So my body begins to sweat profusely then go into chills. Talk about prayerful moments of pleadings! OMG! I realize I might pass out. I'm getting that hearing issue and lights are beginning to happen. I've already had my moments before passing out onto the ground and fracturing my nose; so all I could think about was getting to the floor. And, yes, you got it, there are other issues that want to come out simultaneously. But one has to do what one has to do. I got to the floor, but I was so weak I was forced to lie down completely. Yes, prostrate myself completely in order to try to stop the spasms in my intestines. Once they stop for a bit, I could only crawl. Yes, crawling. Crawling all the way to my family room so I could get to a phone. Oh, did I mention I didn't have a phone with me? Of all times. That won't happen again. Anyway, I get to to the couch pull myself up and get the damn phone. Call Jim. I wasn't panicked or even scared, just needing assistance through this. I waited for a few more minutes on the floor and when I felt strong enough and no more spasms I was able to get up. I had to go back to the bathroom unfortunately. So I got myself there. Finally my chemo poop came out. The stuff is nothing like anything one has normally. So toxic. The good news is it's a good thing to purge it out of the body. Dear God, does it have to be so dramatic? Geez. Upon finally finishing this whole ordeal, I was able to stagger (yes, stagger) to the nearest couch in my formal living room and spread out completely while waiting for Jim and Ash to arrive. I felt as though I had run a marathon and I was completely exhausted. So there I lay till my hubby and daughter got home. They got me fluids cuz I was a bit dehydrated. They are so supportive and yet not alarmed. I was ushered back to bed where I stayed for 5 more hours. I slept on and off and ate ever so often when I would wake up. What a freaky day. Next day rolls around I was fine! Good energy, I was able to go out and do some errands and be apart of the living and productive human race. Those little joys help me out so much.
My oncologist cut back one of my chemo meds to tailor it more so I wouldn't have mouth sores. Isn't that cool? Stopping the sores without losing the potency to attack the cancer? Pretty cool my doc is so flexible. I love that about him and my oncologist nurse, Regan. Awesome. Anyway, instead of mouth sores, I now have had for the past 5 days is a coating in my mouth and tongue. It's reminiscent of when you have a high fat content ice cream coat your mouth completely. So when you put food into your mouth it's coated immediately and one cannot taste a thing. I had lost my tastebuds. It didn't hurt. It was simply awful not to be able to taste anything. So I was relegated to bland diet stuff. I had made my homemade chicken noodle soup, which saved me. I ate scrambled eggs and white toast; I ate cream of wheat with blueberries. Oh, yes, that's the other thing, I haven't eaten white bread in literally 30 plus years. But since chemo has started, I eat it on a regular basis. It's soothing on the belly and easy to digest. Reminds me of the days when I was a little girl up in Humboldt County and Big Loaf Bread was the staple of our house. I would peel off the crust and then squeeze the white portion of the bread into a ball and eat it this way. Totally yeasty and doughy! Oh, those were the days! LOL.
Yes, I've lost a little more weight. Not a lot, which is a good thing. I'm NOT trying to lose weight at all. I know I need my fighting weight. I have 3 more chemos and I'm trying to prepare myself for the worse because one never knows how your body will ultimately react each and every time. I also realize that the chemo can build on top of each treatment. Hey, as long as it's doing it' job! I want and demand shrinkage! I visualize this all the time. I keep on seeing it do it's job and having it's ultimate war with the cancer.
Ok, so there is more that has happened this time. Keeps my rather dull life a little more interesting with the inconveniences of chemo. I now have a fungus in both of my armpits. WTF? In my armpits? How, why, when..... They turned a lovely shade of dark red/purplish. No open sores, just itchy and burning. Contacted the do and they told me to apply Lotrimin -- athlete's foot cream-- makes me feel so sexy all over. ARRRRGGGHHHH. It's helping and it's in the process of leaving my body. Apparently, this is a common occurence when one's immune system is compromised. So now I also use Dove Sensitive, unscented soap. Has moisturizers in it as well. No more perfumy type cleansers and/or body washes. The good news is I didn't get a sun rash this time or break out in major zits this time.
Hey, get this: My hair is sprouting back. I have black/brown stubble all over my head. Wow! I think it has to do with the elimination of the Adrimycin out of the chemo cocktail. That's cool. Should be interesting to see how it comes back in. But I don't dwell on that aspect of my life for some reason.
I am very content wearing all my scarves and hats and bandanas. I keep a variety of looks available for myself. So far so good. I have this cool scarf now from a dear from that has peace signs all over it and it's very gauzy and cooling. I also have a t-shirt that has a peace sign on it as well, so I'm seen out in public sometimes with my "peace" energy going on. Oh, well, I have to have a little fun. This weekend I want to go get my Harley Davidson Bandana! I really want one. I don't even ride, I just like the attitude about it. Keeping it fun and light. I don't like taking myself too serious these days at all. Before this is over, I will be out in public without a hat or scarf. I know that's going to flip some people -- oh, well. Get over it. It's my pretty little noggin. And I love all the earrings I'm wearing as well. Since I cannot hide behind my hair, I might as well accent what I have left. I make a big effort now to put a little makeup to accent my eyes. I still have my eyebrows and the majority of my eyelashes. Yes, there has been some thinning, but it looks like I was perfectly waxed without the ripping. I'm totally NUCLEAR! And I think I might even glow in the dark! LOL
Each day I am getting stronger. This go around with the exception of Monday has been pretty forgiving. I can deal with whatever is being thrown at me. However, I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture here. I have my emotional moments still. Not nearly the level it was like my 2nd chemo. Oh, dear gawd, I didn't lose it like I did last time. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This time I only had spasms in my right ovary that lasted 4 days. (randomly) I can take that much better knowing I'm not a total freak.
Did you know we as humans release an enzyme from our bodies when we are stressed that causes us to cry?
Apparently, I've been burying a bit of my stress and that is why I will randomly cry. I don't try to stop it because it's so unhealthy to do that. There is a reason why we cry. Our body is releasing the toxins/stress that have built up. You know, like when steam blows off? That's what our bodies are doing. That was a cool little tidbit I wanted to share so for those who feel out of control when they cry -- don't try to stop it. Let your body purge it. Once again, I cry randomly. I even cried at chemo. I was missing my daughter, Amy, so deeply -- I could feel it all the way in my womb. I simply lost it. I didn't do the ugly cry, but I wept. Jim sat there encouraging me along -- so did Ashley. I know they are my unsung heroes. They tolerate so much. That is why we all talk a lot and clean the closets so-to-speak because it's difficult being a caregiver -- day in and day out. Everyone is doing their daily living, working, paying their own bills, raising kids, dealing with life -- meanwhile, I sit in limbo and my job is to get well. I feel like life is passing by. I will get on the other side of this. However, the reality is the here and the now. I do embrace the simple things probably even more than I ever did. I used to have colleagues or people in my life that would make comments how I seem to embrace the simple things in life. You have no idea how much more I do now. I love listening to the birds outside my windows of my bedroom or family room. I love watching them play. I love observing people even more now -- don't know how that's possible, but it is. When I smell something so delightful it truly sends me to my happy place. I especially love it when my hubby hugs me or someone looks at me in my eyes. I love it when I have a hand massage. I will never make excuses for this ever. If it makes me happy, great! It's just that simple. I know I will do something after all this in the real world -- still don't know what, but I will be fine.
I'm so excited today cuz I get to go out to a friend's wedding reception. I can't wait. It's like my field trip for the day. I'm resting and drinking my fluids so I can be bright and not sluggish. I really don't know a lot of people there, but that's never been a problem for me to be at a public event among strangers. It's sunny, light breeze and I get to be on a mini date with my hubby. It's going to be fun.
I think I've blabbered long enough. I know it's hard to visualize how I really am. If it weren't for my baldness, you really couldn't tell that there is an issue. I walk talk and don't slink and pull my shoulders foward. I still walk with energy in my step -- make not at big but still have that energy. That means a lot to me. But when I'm fatigued, I'm not walking a lot. It kicks my butt. So I listen. I'm listening!!!
The shrinkage continues, thank God! Please keep us all in your good thoughts, prayers and good energy.
I do feel them. It's amazing. Amazing.
Keep all our Veterans in your prayers and their families this weekend. They have paid the ultimate price and we cannot ever forget that! That is why we are Americans and that is why we have our freedoms. I get so choked up when I think how often we take so much for granted in this country. It's because of our Vets. I, personally, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! And I could never be as brave. It's very humbling.
Happy Memorial Day!
Ciao, Ciao
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