Finish first full week with a bang!

This will be a little update. 

Ever since I've finished chemo, my immune system has become compromised.  Seems like no big deal, but in the last 2.5 months, I have had 2 fevers.  This is a bummer of sorts due to the fact I want to be as normal as possible, but when I start to ache all over my body, get joint aches, strange headaches, foggy feeling  I know it's going to be coming on  soon. This week I had been sneezing  a lot and coughing due to the Santa Ana winds. Been staying inside during the major winds because I remember last year when I had 2 sinus infections during this windy time down here.  Obviously, I cannot fight it off just yet, because I ended up waking up feeling punky big time and achy all over.  Such a frustrating bummer. By 10am I had 100.5 temp.  Once again, I had to place myself on antibiotics because I cannot continue to be sick like this during radiation. 

I have to say, you haven't lived till you have a fever and have to go to your radiation treatment feeling like death warmed over laying out on the table, holding my arms above my head and having my radiation pulsate in the 6 specific areas they are treating. Thank goodness I was in a numb state of being and didn't mind it too much.  I sucked it up big time and didn't whine to my therapists. They knew I was definitely under the weather.  Frankly, I was a bit shocked they wanted me there even though I was feverish, but once again, I think you have to be on death's doorstep before they would cancel your treatment.  LOL!!!

Oh, well, this is going to make me tougher right?  Needless to say, my darling daughter drove me to and from Vista (35 mins each way) and I was folded up into my fetal position with my blankie wrapped around me. 

I'm in bed currently and my fever is gone for now.  I am drinking my fluids and getting up periodically to keep my body from getting too cramped up.  I have my 2 constant companions, Woody and Chewy faithfully sleeping along side of me -- I love how they can drift off into their slumber without any issues.
I wish I could say the same:  I'm laying here in a haze. At least I'm resting..

Ok. Done for now. Tomorrow I go back to radiation and I will finish my first full week.  I have 21 more treatments. Yippee Skippee!  At least it's NOT chemo!  Thank you, GOD and all my angels!

Ciao, Ciao

I Now Glow in the Dark!

Today was a good day -- in a manner of speaking.  At the beginning of my day, I took a nice walk with my 2 dogs.  They make me laugh always and I especially get a kick out of watching them tear down the trail and field I walk through so they may get some of their excess Yah-yahs out of their system.  I love it.  Came back did my housework and even ironed!  Yes, IRON clothing!  I love to do so when I'm preoccupied or have unsettled feelings.  Today, I had good reason to have unsettled feelings due to the fact I was beginning my 6-7 week process of radiation therapy.  Now, I realize it could be so much worse -- I'm always aware of this fact, but the unknown to me can grow bigger than what it needs to be -- I visualize in a positive way, but I'm still a human being and this is how I process things especially these days.  It's been such a secret as to RADIATION THERAPY.  When I've heard about people getting radiation, this includes when my father had radiation treatment for prostate cancer, I thought it was done possibly in a room that looked very white and had a big machine in the center -- a nurse and/or tech would place some kind of mechanism on the site where it needed to focus and that would be it. 

Well, it's not quite that way for me and my breast situation.  Now, I've already written that I knew I would be lying down -- that is correct.  When I walked into this large room which was painted quite nicely -- blues that calm a person down -- I didn't expect to see such a large radiation machine that had a large retractable type arm that had a square looking screen attached to it as well.  I was placed on the table that sits in front of the machine -- laying face up with my head towards the machine.  The techs began quickly and swiftly all the while explaining to me what was going on, what areas they were focusing on, where my tattoos were going to be placed, etc. -- it was still very overwhelming how quickly they were getting to it.  I looked up and there was a dome area with computer generated stars with shooting stars that would come across the domed area. It was really beautiful and calming -- good job designers whoever they were.  I found myself watching every motion they were doing.  I was specifically told, "DO NOT MOVE."  No wiping the nose, no scratching this or that. DO NOT MOVE.  Ok, I am a good little patient.  I didn't move till a single tear dripped down the side of my face.  I couldn't help it.  I had to wipe it away.  I guess I finally realized the magnitude of my situation.  While they were working so diligently to make all the marks perfect so they can erradicate any potential cells, I was feeling major emotions. No, I didn't begin to cry, it was that single tear that overflowed.  I guess, the one that got away!  LOL.  Anyway, I tried to clear it and I was swiftly told to stop moving, please.  Then before I could say anything further, one of my techs got a tissue and wiped my eyes for me. The 2nd tech reassured me and placed a reassuring hand on me to let me know it's going to be all ok.  It's kind of funny how I have to process the way I do. I wish sometimes I was made of steel and could get through things as if I was a cool cucumber.  But NO way -- I guess I am sensitive enough to feel everything -- oh, well. That's me. Love me or not! 

Once all was set-up, they left the room and did the dry run. The machine began to move around me -- some little machine came out from the side of the main machine and began to make noise -- apparently that was an x-ray machine -- very efficient if you ask me. Then it retracted back in place -- then the upper arm began to move around my upper torso area making it's specific noises it needs to.  I watched it come up from my right side come over the top front of me and over to my left. It finished what it needed to do and then came back over me.  Once this was done, the tech came back in and told me they would now begin the radiation process -- she shut the door, which by the way, was a very thick vault-like door! DANG! They turned on music, which was nice --  I was left there by myself  with my thoughts and prayers...............I cannot articulate my thoughts that were swirling in my head.  Part of me was saying, "Here I go; this is the beginning of the end of this whole journey to my healing; oh, dear how do I get out of this one; will I feel my organs heat up; have they made the correct computations for this radiation; what's for dinner....."
No, not really about the dinner thing, but my thoughts were swirling quickly and rapidly in my head.
I also thought, even though it's been months now, I still can't believe I'm in this situation and having to go through this process.  Weird emotions maybe; but maybe not.  I truly believe this is normal.  How can it not be normal?  Either way, I survived it and will survive 27 more treatments. It's going to be very important that I keep on my radiated area aloe vera gel 99% and/or Miaderm cream -- which I was given samples.  This is to prevent any peeling, sunburn issues, etc. I cannot take hot baths or hot showers -- luke warm, yes.  There are more details, but I will spare all of you. 

For the first treatment it took 30 minutes.  Tomorrow should take about 20 minutes and thereafter.  So on I go and cannot wait till this is finished.  I should be finished by Dec. 20.  At least I hope that to be the case.

I continue to pray and pray and pray all this will be resolved and I will be a part of the cure!  My family and friends are my rocks and I appreciate all the love they share with me. It's so important and I need it more than ever.

Yes, my Cup's still half full! 

Ciao, Ciao!

Time for the Next Journey - RADIATION

I have been absent of late due to not having a whole lot of information to share.  However, that finally changed as of this morning.

For the first time since all this began, I experienced some insurance issues regarding my treatment plan for the radiation treatment plan.  My insurance, Anthem Blue Shield, fought hard to stop my treatment the way my radiation doctor has it planned for me. Her team came up with a plan specifically for me, but the insurance wanted it to be a "generic" plan to "save money."  I'm pretty sure I don't have to go to potty mouth mode, but WTF!!! I haven't and don't experience what most people must experience daily, which is going without insurance.  I'm especially sensitive to being told "NO" when it concerns my life -- no exaggeration there at all-- I must have this specific plan set out for me by my doctor.  No wonder doctors are so frustrated with the system; why millions of people are so frustrated -- argggghhhh!  Anyway, through diligence on my doctor's part, she finally got her plan approved.  The stupid game that has to be played in order to get medical treatments done. 

The long story short is I begin my radiation treatment tomorrow, Thursday, November 3 beginning @ 2pm.  I will have a consult with my doctor to go over my treatment plan in detail so I will understand what is going to happen to my body.  One thing that is changing is the fact that the lower region of my heart will have some radiation in order to get to the nodes in my chest that were affected by the cancer.  Sucks, I know, but this must happen.  I asked if my heart will get damage -- she has assured me that it will not damage my heart. The radiation is minimal, but with anything, there is a chance, but I do have a very strong heart.  Either way, this is the best plan of attack.   But there is more information I must learn about tomorrow and will blog about it as I find out. 

I will have 28 treatments in total.  And my last day of treatment will end on Dec. 20!  Five days before Christmas and 6 Days before my 52nd birthday!  Yes, my birthday is December 26. What a
great Christmas and Birthday gift -- the GIFT OF LIFE!  I choose LIFE! I accept this gratefully!
Then I can really set myself free from many stresses.  For the first time in many, many, many years, I have a new outlook and new unleashed goals to attain.  I can't wait for this next ride in my life.  Should be an interesting one to say the least.  Not sure where I will land, but it will be right.........

As a reminder, I will be going to radiation every day -- 5 days a week till I get the 28 treatments finished.  It will be a 20 minute process.  In my case, I have to lay on a table and have my right breast taped down to the table which is very difficult since I have the expanders in my chest and I'm very small.  I have to go through this everyday -- every treatment.  I have to lay in the EXACT same position each time.  From what I've been told, the therapist will be perfecting my treatment as I go along. 
I appreciate the fact at how hard so many people are working to make this whole process perfect for me; that we have success and so I can move on and continue on in my life.

My surgeon, Dr. Hyde, wants me to come back a couple more times to see him as I go through this treatment plan.  I will abide by his request. My Oncologist will want to see me more as well. After this journey, I will be placed on maintenance medicine to prevent cancer.  It's a five year plan. I don't have a complete detailed plan as of yet, but I know it's coming after the first of the year. 

In closing, I know I may not have started my radiation treatment on the timeline that was supposed to be, but there's always a reason for everything. I know I'm stronger and more healed from the bilateral mastectomy so I will be that much more ready for this radiation.  Oh, yes, I'm fighting big time through this.  I am so grateful I don't have to do chemo again. Dear God, I would have had to dig deep big time to cope with that one, but God willing, I will not have to endure more after radiation.

God doesn't hand you anything you cannot handle.  And, with this, I will go forth and do what I need to do........I am finished with this Cancer -- it doesn't stand a chance anymore.  I won't give it that satisfaction!  No Way!  As I have in the past, I ask for prayers for my family and my complete recovery! Thank you for your continued love and support!

Oh, yes, my Cup's Half Full!
Ciao, Ciao!

What Now? Yet Another Hiccup...

Never under estimate the power of your immune system.  I do believe I did too much recently, but am testing the waters. Anyone would be if you have been segregated from the rest of the world for weeks on end.  Monday, my daughter and I did a few errands -- no big deal, right?  Well that depends on what it is, of course.  We did happen to go to a Goodwill outlet in Temecula -- not a good idea.  The moment I walked in the place I noticed there were a lot of people milling around the goods within the store.  I walked further into the store checking out things for my daughter yadda, yadda, yadda.....Bottom line, there she was, a sniffling, sneezing SICK female spewing her germs everywhere because SHE HAD TO BE THERE FOR THE GREAT DEAL OF HER LIFE.........Yeah right! One can tell I'm really tollerant of people spreading their germs everywhere.  Anyway, I walked out of the store immediately got in the car and left. 

Was out a day or two later as well, then I got my flu shot because now more than ever, my immune system is compromised.  Perhaps, I'm hoping that my immune system wouldn't be affected so easily -- boy, am I wrong, wrong, wrong....................

I woke up at 3am yesterday morning with body aches, muscle spasms, etc. Very uncomfortable.  Put myself into a tub to help relax my body. That seemed to help a bit.  Took a couple Ibuprofen and went back to bed.  I rolled around for a couple more hours -- so it was around 5:30am by the time I finally started to be able to go back into what I call  a light sleep.  Either way, that was the start of my day. I finally got up around 8:30am and took care of myself -- eating breakfast, feeding dogs, etc.  I rested a bit but had a lot of laundry I knew I needed to get to. Everyone else was gone out of the house doing whatever they needed to be doing.  Had a couple of bouts of the "runs" which was no big deal till the 3rd time around.  I will spare the gorey details, but suffice it to say it was a moment that could have come out of a comedy movie scene.  Jim came running in and quickly turned around and left me alone to deal with what I needed to deal with.........Isn't that lovely?  Oh, the joys of bodily functioning.  Gotta have comedy from time to time, but during the runs?  Really?  ARRRRGGGHHHHH! Oh, well, such is life..

By early evening, I had 100.9 degree temperature.  Now, in my world of post chemo, that is still not good.  And it's amazing how lousy one can feel with that temp.  Needless to say, I put myself to bed, got a tepid washcloth and placed it on my head & neck.  Due to my compromised immune system, the docs want me to take antibiotics for the just-in-case because in my situation it can turn bad so quickly it can make your head spin.  And, yes, I realize, antibiotics are for when you have bacteria infections, but once again, if you are a cancer patient with a compromised immune system, those rules go out the window apparently.  I get it now.  Pisses me off, but I understand it. 

I get frustrated, yet again, due to the fact I find myself in a "weakened" state which I don't want to be in.  Of course, I have and will take care of this by "being a good girl" and rest.  But now I have to stay in and stay away from neighbor kids because we all know they are walking petri dishes -- not their fault, but that's the facts of the matter. Now, the other night we had our neighbor kids over for a couple of hours due to their dad needing to borrow our BBQ because their BBQ was broken.  One child is 5 years old and the other is 10 years old.  This, too, could have been why I got a fever. Not their fault, but goes to show how sensitive and susceptible I am to germs.  Wow!  Sucks the big one if you ask me.  But that could have been another reason why I got sick.

I also know that chemo has settled into my joints and periodically I get aches and pains and my muscles react to this as well. So either way, this is what happened to me last night. 

The good news is I slept really well.  Got up one time and quickly went back to bed and back into a deep sleep.  Woke up at 7:30am.  Wow, pretty good.  No fever this morning which is great. But in my case a fever can reoccur in the afternoon. So we'll see.  So I plan on keeping my fluids way, way up today and eat/sip clear fluids and keep my diet very bland. It's supposed to be around 102 degrees here today.  Great!  So I will be kicking on the AC to be sure to keep comfortable and not suck it up trying to save on the power.  Imust be comfortable. 

My darling hubby will be having a minor surgery as well tomorrow on his carpal tunnel wrist/hand and then a scope on his elbow on the same arm. We are going to be the dynamic duo!  Bless his heart. He's had to put this off for so long due to his employment commitments over the years.  Nevering having the time to be able to take time and be down for days on end. Well, now he can and I thank GOD he's finally able to get it done.  We have our daughters and son-in-law who can take care of us with food and whatever else we need. But I'm still able to do things, just not at the level I would like. 

My hair is getting so much longer. And I'm grey with salt and pepper throughout my hair.  I find it pretty.  I doubt I will be coloring my hair, but we'll see as it grows out. What's really impressive are my eyelashes -- they are coming in thick.  Sooooooooo thrilled.  My eyebrows are coming in too, not as thick, but they look really good.  I love, love, love having my eyelashes protecting my eyes again. And I don't look so alien like.  I think within a couple more weeks, I might even try placing some mascara on them.  Time will tell.

I haven't heard back from the radiation office, but I'm sure I should hear something by Friday.  Needless to say, it's going to start soon and I will be onto the next chapters of this journey.  I'm not afraid or concerned.  I'm in good hands and I continue with my prayers and positive thoughts -- meditations.  Have to. It's simply a part of my life. I need to begin my yoga. Beginning to record yoga classes.  So off I'll go soon, I hope, but I realize I'm limited to my bending cuz of my expanders in my body/chest. However, I still stretch and do other exercises.  Exercise is key!

The Cup's Half Full!
Ciao, Ciao 

Radiation in my near Future

So much has happened in just a few short days.

I had an appointment down in Vista to have a consultation with my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka.  Their office is located 1/2 hour away from Murrieta.  Very easy to find.  The office staff was very welcoming and very professional.  They took my vitals and my blood pressure (BP) was up a little bit -- no SH--!  I get this way when I go into the unknown.  I'm so ridiculously sensitive at times, but I guess, that's ME. They expect it -- so I was told.  I've been told that I have the white coat syndrome -- YES, I would agree.  But overall, my BP is low.  Anyway, my nurse that I will be seeing on a regular basis was quite the little spit fire. Really cute and very knowledgeable.  She did a thorough Q & A with me regarding my health history.  She explained to me that my aches and pains in my joints are normal after going through the chemo treatment I've experienced.  (Thank you God, it's not that I'm getting older.........)  I've also had issues with my feet -- when I first get out of bed, as an example, my feet hurt/ache as I walk.  Takes a few feet  before everything seems to be working properly.  Apparently, this, too, is due to the chemo.  I already know my hands and body are still holding fluids; I still cannot wear my wedding ring -- this is CHEMO.  Chemo lingers in the body for months afterwards. Isn't that nice?  At least I know why this is happening.  Onward......

My nurse asked me about how I found out about my cancer diagnosis. I explained my story, which brought her to tears.  Everytime I tell someone in the medical profession down here about my story, they are shocked. 
The fact of the matter is I'm more grateful that I was diagnosed down here rather than where I lived before.  It's not to say there aren't good doctors up in Northern California, but I do know I'm in an area where I can get to great medical care quickly and have choices.  I will come back to this particular subject later.......

Within a few minutes of my first meeting with the nurse, in walked my new doctor. She's an adorable woman who has the kind of eyes that can look into your soul.  She most definitely pays attention when she is in your presence. First impressions are wonderful.  She's brilliant.  Not arrogant, just the real deal.  Isn't it ironic, I have been blessed with such expertise since the beginning of my journey. I guess, my God and all my angels insist that I get a break considering how it all began.  I'm not arguing with this at all.  I know I am blessed with all these experts. And, to me, more amazing is that they work as a team. No big time egoes here at all!!!!! How refreshing.

My doc began by introducing herself and then sitting down on a stool and scooted up closer to me and asked my how I was doing considering what I have been going through. I looked straight into her eyes and answered, "I think I'm doing pretty well overall -- but honestly, I guess I haven't viewed myself as going through as much as you have just stated."  She was taken aback by my reply, I'm sure.  She continued on and told me that she had taken a while to view all my films and reports, etc.  She told me that from what she viewed and read, she knew I have been through a lot and that my first breast MRI was "very scary looking."  I think it was those words that resinated with me to my core. When I saw my first set of MRI scans, they reminded me of a horrible weather storm.  I described it to her that way and she nodded in agreement then stated, "That is a very good way of describing your tumors."  Then once again, she asked me how I came to discover about my cancer.  I told her of my years knowing I had dense breast tissues and that I had been diligent about my self-exams and mammograms, etc.  As I explained my history to her, her eyes were very fixed on me and then I saw the tears to begin to swell in her eyes. She, too, was saddened to find out I had never been diagnosed until March 16, 2011.  She told me she saw the growth of cells in my 2006 films. When I heard her words OUT LOUD it brought back those feelings of frustration and emotions. My tears fell once again. Couldn't stop for awhile. I had to dig deeper just because I wanted to continue to explain my history. And, I also, didn't want to waste anymore negative energy on the fact the proper tests could have prevented this situation I find myself now involved in.

So we got down to business discussing in great detail what I can expect and why I have to have radiation. She went into great detail about all the side effects that can occur and what I realistically can expect.  They will contact me next week to set up the appointment so I can get "mapped out" -- all my areas that will be radiated. There will be 3 specific areas of my left side of my chest that will be radiated and from different angles.  Once the mapping is done, she will do fine tuning on the exact measurements and make any appropriate modifications if needed.  I will then have to come in again for a "dry run."  I will be placed on a table where they will test the beams -- but it will not be radiation.  The following day I will come back and begin treatment. The treatment will last approximately 15 minutes total.  The actual radiation lasts only 2-3 minutes.  In and out --- done. I will have 28 treatments.  This will last between 6 & 7 weeks -- 5 days a week.  I should be finished at the beginning of December.  I will not lose my hair or get nauseated. I may get tired -- needing a nap or rest. I may experience like a severe sunburn.  Other side effects can occur, but this is a very basic overview. 

Oddly enough, I have no fear regarding this procedure.  I feel strongly that if I can survive chemo, I most certainly can do radiation.  The doctor stated that I may not see any effects till 3 weeks into the treatment. 
I plan to continue with life forward and do what I can on my own time to counteract any potential effects. I plan to walk more and go about daily life -- cuz it goes on -- life goes on!  I want to move forward. But I'm not unrealistic to think that all is perfect, because nothing is perfect.  I'm still healing from my surgery. I still have issues with my energy from that. I'm still needing rests.  I still have to be mindful that I cannot move quickly.  But I'm doing well with being mindful.

After my appointment, I felt completely emotionally drained yet again. Each time I talk about my history these days with a doctor, it brings back a certain amount of angst regarding how this cancer journey came to be.  I have been contemplating writing a letter to my FORMER gyneocologist and her partners so I can have complete closure.  It has been suggested to me that I write the letter -- get it down on paper. Then keep the letter and if I want to send it, then do so; but if nothing else, it puts it down in writing and it gets it out of my head and body.  After doing some thorough soul searching, I have come to the conclusion this is exactly what I need to do for me.  This is not going to be a letter of blame rather it will be a letter of expression of how this could have been avoided.  I want other women especially up in Northern California to have a chance of survival rather than having NO diagnosis happen to them.  There may even be a letter to the editor of the local newspaper as well. I want women to know to question, question, question and keep pursuing without feeling like they don't have choices or rights to question their doctor.  Not only that, question the radiologist.  I had films that were obviously mis-read or not paid attention to!  That is a hard pill to swallow for me and I have to forgive and move on.  That is why I continue to pray, to meditate, to face it head on. 
I am going to rise above this; it's going to take time.  I hope all my readers will encourage their loved ones to speak their minds as well when it comes to their health! WE are our best advocates.  If we hesitate because we think we may step on someone's feet or hurt their feelings -- too damned bad!  It's OUR body -- it's OUR LIFE.

On a final note, I found out this evening that a former high school friend of mine passed away of cancer after a very long battle. She faced her journey head on and with great dignity and fire and love.  I cannot express my complete feelings except I will miss you, Jill. YOU ARE THE WOMAN! YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD. FLY -- BE FREE -- LOVE SURROUNDS YOU.

My Cup's Half Full -- feeling grateful for the love that surrounds me, too!

2nd Saline Fill

Yesterday was the 2nd and final installment of saline into my soon-to-be new breasts.  I had 75 ccs injected into my right breast and 50 ccs into my left.  They are now the size I will have post radiation.
The injections went well with no issues whatsoever. My doctor is always, always, always so very careful as to how he administers the saline -- he doesn't want me to hurt in any way shape or form.  The fact, of the matter, I cannot feel a thing because my breasts are pretty much numb. As I have stated before, my breasts were removed and at that time, they had to cut through nerves. So there are no feelings on the front part of my breasts. I've tried to describe that there are ports under both breasts which are used to fill with saline to increase the size of each breast.  This is the area where it can be very painful.  The skin is thinner there and inflammation has decreased substantially -- so there is pain when I stretch certain ways -- so much so that it brings tears to my eyes. Consequently, I am taking my Percocet today. I usually only take 1/2 of a pill at 7pm; not today. It's just one of those days.

I haven't really written much about how it's so wonderful to have this option of reconstruction.  I'm very happy I made this decision to have it done at the same time as my bi-lateral mastectomy.  Obviously, it cannot all be done at one time, but it helps to have a portion done as I progress through radiation.

I had no idea before making the final decision whether or not to have reconstruction that radiation causes scar tissue to form at the area being radiated.  So the skin becomes quite stiff and hard and almost impossible to stretch.  So it's important that my skin essentially be stretched before the radiation begins so I can have good results for the reconstruction. 

For the first time since all this craziness has begun I'm actually really excited about my new reconstructed breasts.  These days we as women who have gone through mastectomies have choices.
I have met a couple women that had mastectomies a few years ago and opted not to have reconstruction. They now wish they had done it.  The cool thing is they still can have reconstruction.  Now, of course, each woman is different and circumstances may be challenging as well, but the best thing to do is to go in for consultation to see what kind of options one may have.

My doctor's office staff was telling me that there are so many women still out there that don't realize they can have reconstruction.  I find that so amazing.  I also realize that it also could be a matter of insurance issues.   My insurance is picking up a certain percentage, but the rest is coming out of pocket.  I feel I'm worth it, so I'm not hesitating whatsoever.   I did go through a very brief phase that I contemplated that I wouldn't have reconstruction.  I'm so glad that left my thoughts.  It's not so much that I feel inferior without breasts; it's all about the way I view myself as a woman -- for me I want a little curvature especially in my clothes.  I also like the idea that my breasts will be placed back where they belong.  For so long my larger breasts hung lower as I have grown older--isn't that a vision? So many of us can relate, right?  I have never been one to think about plastic surgery to rectify this issue -- wasn't on the forefront of my priorities.  But since this cancer and the fact I was losing them, I felt it a great option for me to exercise.  Finally, my lightbulb in my head went off and realized that, "Wow, I'm going to have prettier boobs now than I had before."  I think I'm amazed at the beauty of my skin. It's really in good shape, Thank God!  My doctor has stated I have good genes!  LOL! I'm not embarrassed to say that I agree with him.  In the end, I will end up with what I want:  small, perky breasts and I'm delighted with the outcome so far. They are not perfect. As a matter of fact, they are out of round currently, but like the doctor keeps on telling me, he's going to make them beautiful for me after radiation.  They are a work in progress.  But honestly, they look pretty good now, they just need to be "tweaked" a bit more.  There is some excess skin and he has to rebuild nipples and areola and do a little lipo suction under my right armpit, etc.  This is going to take up to a year to have finished.  Remember, I'm still healing from my surgery.  I will have to heal again from radiation, etc. It's a process.  I'm in no hurry.  All I really want is to be cancer free the rest of my life.  Bottom line:  HEALTHY!!!

Tomorrow I will finally meet my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka.  I look forward to having a thorough conversation with her. She's supposed to be really on top of her game, which I like hearing.
I'm onto the next phase of this journey.  At least I'm on the other side of it! Thank you God! And Thank you to all of you who continue to support me and my family through this journey. 

My Cup's Half Full and blossoming! No, I won't be flashing anyone anytime soon.  Well, maybe my hubby or closest girlfriends!  (Tee-Hee.....)

Chia Pet Head!

It's been awhile since I've signed in. Frankly, there hasn't been any news that was noteworthy. 

I've been dealing with some pain, which isn't always a fun topic.  However, it's part of the reality of recuperation.  In the beginning of my recuperation, I had a lot of inflammation surrounding my chest.  As the inflammation has decreased, the pain has gone up somewhat.  Interesting, I know, but what happens, the skin gets tighter around my expanders that have been placed in my chest area.  They are for "expanding" my soon-to-be new breasts. They are expanded with saline solution.  As the skin deflates, I can feel the expanders moreso inside my chest.  It feels like I have built-in armore wear.  It's not comfortable a lot of the time, but it's not like I cannot cope. I'm still healing and I'm working on the patience part of this situation.

My body has been a very good gauge for me.  If I do too much at a time, I really collapse later on. And that is not a joke at all. It's also not an exaggeration.  My body shuts down and I need to sleep. I don't fool around any longer with trying to "suck it up" and "be tough" through all this.  It is what it is and I must do my best to heal.  And when I say HEAL, I mean do absolutely NOTHING.  I'm one of the lucky ones that doesn't have to try and work through this while working outside the home.  I do know about many, many women who don't have the luxury of staying home and simply healing.  It breaks my heart for them. They are the true warriors out there.

With this recuperation time, my hair has started to come in big time.  It's not long, but it's coming in and I look very similar to a Chia Pet!  My hair is so soft and downy feeling. It's pretty cool!  It's so funny how people will come straight for my head and cop a feel on my head!  LOL!!  I don't mind at all.  It's rather endearing all in all. My doctors love to check out my hair growth!  The other great things that are growing back are my eyelashes and eyebrows!  So very happy about this.  My eyelashes are coming back in at the same time -- I guess I had thought they might grow in a couple at a time.  Not sure why, but that's what I was thinking.  I'm so glad I'm wrong.  It makes such a difference getting my eyelashes back. I'm not experiencing that sensitivity to air, air-borne particulates, light, etc.  They aren't long enough for mascara just yet, but they are growing and that's what is important.  My eyebrows are coming back in, too!  Yippee Skippee! I won't have to use make-up to color them in any longer. 

I haven't been wearing any kind of bandana or hats lately mainly because I've been in the house, but since my hair is growing back in I figure why hide it? I feel so much better with the air flowing around my head anyway, so why hide?  I do, however, make sure I have great earrings on at all times!  That's my thing big time.  I MUST wear my earrings.  LOL!  Silly as it may seem, I feel naked without my earrings.  Oh, well, whatever floats one's boat, right? Whatever it takes to get through this time works for me and probably always will be.

Big news:  Yesterday I went to my plastic surgeon's office for a follow-up appointment to check how I'm healing.  After the exam and discussion about all that has transpired since our last appointment, he simply said, "I think it's time to fill your breasts."  I don't know why I was so surprised, but I was.  We hadn't really discussed the last time I was in that this was going to happen. I was thinking it would probably happen within the next couple weeks before I begin my radiation.  So he had to give me a shot at the site where the ports are located at each breast.  Expanders have a port area.  I'm not sure if they are usually at the bottom of one's breast area, but mine are located there.  That's the pain area I've been experiencing since the inflammation has been going away.  So he numbed up the port area (yes, with a shot -- no biggy!) and then had a huge syringe filled with 100 ccs of saline with a long tube to place inside the port -- he had to stick it through my skin to attach to the port just under the skin area.  They my nurse began the process of administering the saline into the port.  I could see my breast start to fill up a  bit.  Really interesting and very surreal at the same time. No, it did not hurt.  I'm numb there anyway, so I feel nothing.  My doc added 50 ccs to my left breast.  So now I have little lady lumps going on!  Very cool.  I have a cool cleavage! LOL.

Oh, yes, Jim was in the room the entire time -- we both were so amazed at what was occurring.  I will have a little discomfort from this "expansion" to get my skin and muscle ready for the implant that will take place on my 2nd surgery.  This surgery won't occur till after radiation.  Radiation causes scar tissue to occur.  In my case, the scar tissue will happen on my left breast area and in the center of my chest and armpit area.  That is why I need to have my breast filled BEFORE radiation due to scar tissue forming which will make it difficult for a clean result for reconstructive surgery.  Understand, my breasts are not perfect in formation at this point. That will happen when my doc operates on me during the 2nd surgery.  There is excess skin to remove and I will have a little liposuction done on my right armpit area to match my left armpit area.  I have no idea at this point what other little tweaks here and there will be until we see how I come through radiation.
 
I had no idea that I would be so excited by getting this first fill in my breasts.  I will have another fill next week but not much more because I want to stay smaller than I was before. I do know that when I'm finished with this, I will have really beautiful, perky breasts!  He also will be building nipples for me. Not the twist type or tattooed type as well -- he builds them. I've seen pics of reconstructed and augmented women that he has performed his magic with and let me tell you, he is an artist.  Amazing results.  I think my new boobs are going to be better than ever! I never would have done anything like this had it not been for this cancer.  Weird how good things come out of a bad situation.  Today, I feel a little tight but nothing I can't deal with.  Not going to need meds for a few hours more, but I don't suffer at all. 

I have a consultation with my soon-to-be new radiation doctor Friday, October 7.  My current oncologist wants me to begin my radiation treatment as soon as possible -- so that means I will most likely begin the following week after my initial consultation.  I understand this doctor is once again, amazing, and has great patient/doctor rapor with HER patients. I look forward to meeting with her and getting to know her and her methods and ideology concerning my treatment plan.   I do know this:  I will be going 5 days a week for 6 weeks.  Nothing shorter than that.  My oncologist, Dr. Bernstein, wants me to go the full length of this treatment, which I'm in agreement with.  I want full recovery. I don't want this cancer to have a chance to rear it's ugly head ever again in me if at all possible!  So I must do this for ME!

Overall, my emotional state is really good.  I feel like I'm on the other side of this journey.  I still have quite a walk to go on, but I'm stronger than ever and I plan to finish this off with my head held high and with purpose like no other. Not sure what the future holds for me, but it's going to be a ride of my life, I'm sure.  I'm looking forward to this part of it.  I have changed forever and I know it's for the best.  I still get emotional once in awhile, still not sure why, but I do, but I'm more grateful than sorrowful.  There is nothing to be sorrowful about.  I'm alive and healing and getting my life back. It's going to be different; there are going to be different things about my body that I will live with, but overall, I'm doing very well.  I do laugh a lot more now, but carefully, because when I laugh too hard, it hurts with my expanders in my chest. But I have found another way to allow my big laugh to show itself!  I'm not me unless I have a big laugh from time to time.

I'm really looking forward to the holidays this year.  We have so much to be thankful for.  Wow, that's an understatement!  I'm so thankful for everything in my life.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  I can't wait for my mom to get down here. We will bring her down to stay with us in November.  She will stay with us for at least a couple months.
 
I plan to drive with my hubby and her back up to Humboldt County in January. I really look forward to seeing some old friends and see some old business friends and do some major knitting while I'm up there as well.  Got to invest back into the community. So I have somethings to look forward to in the next year. 
I may not be complete with my reconstruction for a year or so, but that's fine with me.

Most of the time my Cup's Half FULL and now it's even more! LOL!!  Loving my life so much more and I continue to heal without issues! I'm so blessed beyond words. I am so thankful my family and friends continue to surround me with love. I continue to receive the most wonderful cards and well-wishes.  I love them so much. It really helps me in my healing.  Those beautiful words that are written mean so much to me and my family. 

Thank you again!
Ciao, Ciao