End of 2nd Week!

Today is the last day of my full 2nd week and so far so good! Still had been coughing and carrying on with my aftermath of some kind of virus, but apparently, I'm in good company with others.  Either way, I have been going to my appointments.  I had an exam with my radiolgy oncology doc on Wednesday.  I really like having our meetings.  It gives me a chance to ask all my little questions that have a way of creeping up.  My joints have been "paining" me, but that is still leftovers of chemo.  My hands are still swollen a bit -- post chemo. Everything seems to be POST chemo. Love it.  I just want to be able to wear my wedding ring daily.  I have placed it on my finger from time to time, but then I risk the issue of being able to pull it off my finger!  Not fun, so I wear a band, which is fine, but I do love my ring and want it back on my finger.  Soon enough -- PATIENCE.

Funny thing, I have lost a couple pounds since I've started radiation, but nothing that causes my treatment to change regarding the actual radiation beam.  When a person begins radiation treatment (at least in my case) they don't want you to lose weight because it can change the way the radiation beam affects your tissues. The nuclear physicists calculate each patient's specific treatment in a very exacting way.  But my little poundage loss is no biggy.  But I am encouraged about the weight loss because of my inflammation going on. Tired of it.  Want to move it forward -- a little while longer. Getting closer to being free of treatment.  Can't wait!

This weekend I have to go into radiation treatment on Sunday due to the fact the office will be closed the day after Thanksgiving!!!! So we all get 4 days off. And I know my therapists need some time to recharge and be with their families, etc.  I get to come in earlier on Sunday than normal which works for me!  Jim and I will make a morning of it and take ourselves out for a breakfast date.  Going to try a new little mom and pop restaurant in Vista that was recommended to us. So we'll make it a little adventure.  So I will will have treatments Sunday through Wednesday this next week. 

At this point, the only thing that is changing with this treatment so far is the tightness I'm feeling throughout my left breast area. It doesn't hurt, but I do believe the scar tissue is beginning to form.  My expanders feel tighter. And once again, I cannot wait to get these expanders out of my body as well. They are a necessary evil for me for this reconstruction, but I don't want to go through this ever again.  It's such a strange feeling I have in me at all times. I do ignore my uncomfortableness (is that a word?) but it's still there. Doesn't go away and cannot take it out when I'm tired of it. But in order to achieve what I wish for, this is necessary. So I guess, I cannot complain too much. Just an observation.

I've been keeping a constant prayer said for a friend of mine who was diagnosed recently with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy this week and she has been in my constant prayers!  It's such a clear reminder that we have to continue to be diligent big time with our lives.  I do pray one day this deadly disease will be a thing of the past. That we will be able to look back at this and be able to breathe a sigh of relief for our sisters in the future. I don't talk much about this fact for the simple fact I'm in the midst of all this, but I do pray all the time for a cure. I may not wear the ribbon or the pink breast cancer awareness but that is only because I'm living this. I don't need to show it anymore than I already do.  I'm rather subdued when it comes to that part of the breast cancer awareness campaign.  But that is ME and that's how I roll! I don't judge anyone else who want to show their support by wearing hats, pins, magnets, shirts, pants, etc.  But since I'm the white elephant in the room, I know--everyone else realizes I'm in some sort of treatment, etc.  But that doesn't mean I don't care and don't do my own campaigning for a cure.  Oh, on the contrary. 

This is the time of year we are all getting really geared up to go head-on into the holidays. There are so many blessings that have been bestowed upon me and my family and I am so very THANKFUL!  Mainly for a new beginning -- for my new LIFE -- for my new directions to come (even though I don't completely know exactly where they will lead me....) but I'm keeping the FAITH and HOPE alive!  I SMILE big time in the face of Cancer. It hasn't gotten me. It's still NOT welcome EVER in my body and home! It's not WELCOME in any of my family and friends.  It's just NOT WELCOME period!  I continue to Kill it with kindness and Love.  That is my commitment.  It will always be my commitment from here on out.

My next step is to finally write that letter I need to write.  I have it in my head but it's a step for me that I simply need to make the time for.  I still get so emotional -- I still feel some angst and need to get rid of it. I do realize this will be healing for me. That's not the real point -- I just have to sit down and write it like I do this blog.  But when I begin to handwrite it with ink to a few specific individuals, it will become so very real and final and I know I will be able to EXHALE finally!  So maybe this weekend will be it.  Stay tuned -- I will keep you posted when it's drafted and finished.  Big sigh of relief and I know I will breathe with ease of flow.....I imagine myself sitting on a dock with my feet lightly stroking the water's edge with the sun beaming onto my face giving me the warmth I love -- that's how I imagine the freedom of writing this letter will be for me.  So now I must do it!  'Just do it' as they say! I will. 

My Cup's still Half Full and I'm stronger than ever.......... Watch out world.  Lynn's on her way back.....

Ciao, Ciao!

2nd week -- getting into the groove.......

I begin my 2nd week going into it strong in my mind, but my body wants to be sick for some strange reason. I began last Thursday morning coughing, sneezing, etc -- by the afternoon, I had a low grade temperature.  I put myself to bed and began the task of drinking my fluids, sleeping and being quiet. Basically, staying out of site from all.  Seems like I'm still so susceptible to germs.  It all takes time to get better from chemo even though it's been a few months.  Still side effects linger.  Love it. NOT! 

Today when I go to radiation, I will let them know this is occurring and see if the nurse wants to see me and check me out. At this point I think it's a basic virus, but this whole game is so different now that when I do get "sick" it has a different way of showing itself.  I just don't want anything going into pneumonia, which is a concern that can occur.  Better to be safe and have it checked out.

Since this is my 2nd week of radiation treatment, my skin has not shown any signs of peeling or redness at this point. Apparently, it usually takes approximately 3 weeks for any signs of radiation side effects.  So far so good to this extent. 

I plan, once again, to restart my walking routine and  get back to the gym to begin a very low level workout to get back to my cardio level.  The more exercise I can do, the better.  I am working on my stretching -- oh, to be young again.  I used to be so incredibly limber.  Now, I have -- let's say boundaries that my body can and/or will do for me.  Sometimes I begin the giggle factor when I'm trying to go into a foward roll down to my feet.  Hah, it's just a hoot -- I can almost get there even with chest expanders residing in my body!  But still, I have a ways to go to achieve my little goal. Feels good to stretch! 

So I begin my day and later after radiation, I will go take the boys (my dogs) for their walk into my field (of dreams--LOL) or the area where I really let it out with my prayers or laughter or crying or whatever strikes me on that particular moment -- even quiet while I enjoy the dogs running their Yah-yahs out.  So cute to watch.

My Cup continues to be half-full.  I must because I'm closer to my end of treatments. And then, cancer free! That's the ultimate goal!  CANCER FREE!!

Ciao, Ciao

PS  My Mom arrives today!  88 years old and healthy as can be!  That's what I hope and wish for as well!

Finish first full week with a bang!

This will be a little update. 

Ever since I've finished chemo, my immune system has become compromised.  Seems like no big deal, but in the last 2.5 months, I have had 2 fevers.  This is a bummer of sorts due to the fact I want to be as normal as possible, but when I start to ache all over my body, get joint aches, strange headaches, foggy feeling  I know it's going to be coming on  soon. This week I had been sneezing  a lot and coughing due to the Santa Ana winds. Been staying inside during the major winds because I remember last year when I had 2 sinus infections during this windy time down here.  Obviously, I cannot fight it off just yet, because I ended up waking up feeling punky big time and achy all over.  Such a frustrating bummer. By 10am I had 100.5 temp.  Once again, I had to place myself on antibiotics because I cannot continue to be sick like this during radiation. 

I have to say, you haven't lived till you have a fever and have to go to your radiation treatment feeling like death warmed over laying out on the table, holding my arms above my head and having my radiation pulsate in the 6 specific areas they are treating. Thank goodness I was in a numb state of being and didn't mind it too much.  I sucked it up big time and didn't whine to my therapists. They knew I was definitely under the weather.  Frankly, I was a bit shocked they wanted me there even though I was feverish, but once again, I think you have to be on death's doorstep before they would cancel your treatment.  LOL!!!

Oh, well, this is going to make me tougher right?  Needless to say, my darling daughter drove me to and from Vista (35 mins each way) and I was folded up into my fetal position with my blankie wrapped around me. 

I'm in bed currently and my fever is gone for now.  I am drinking my fluids and getting up periodically to keep my body from getting too cramped up.  I have my 2 constant companions, Woody and Chewy faithfully sleeping along side of me -- I love how they can drift off into their slumber without any issues.
I wish I could say the same:  I'm laying here in a haze. At least I'm resting..

Ok. Done for now. Tomorrow I go back to radiation and I will finish my first full week.  I have 21 more treatments. Yippee Skippee!  At least it's NOT chemo!  Thank you, GOD and all my angels!

Ciao, Ciao

I Now Glow in the Dark!

Today was a good day -- in a manner of speaking.  At the beginning of my day, I took a nice walk with my 2 dogs.  They make me laugh always and I especially get a kick out of watching them tear down the trail and field I walk through so they may get some of their excess Yah-yahs out of their system.  I love it.  Came back did my housework and even ironed!  Yes, IRON clothing!  I love to do so when I'm preoccupied or have unsettled feelings.  Today, I had good reason to have unsettled feelings due to the fact I was beginning my 6-7 week process of radiation therapy.  Now, I realize it could be so much worse -- I'm always aware of this fact, but the unknown to me can grow bigger than what it needs to be -- I visualize in a positive way, but I'm still a human being and this is how I process things especially these days.  It's been such a secret as to RADIATION THERAPY.  When I've heard about people getting radiation, this includes when my father had radiation treatment for prostate cancer, I thought it was done possibly in a room that looked very white and had a big machine in the center -- a nurse and/or tech would place some kind of mechanism on the site where it needed to focus and that would be it. 

Well, it's not quite that way for me and my breast situation.  Now, I've already written that I knew I would be lying down -- that is correct.  When I walked into this large room which was painted quite nicely -- blues that calm a person down -- I didn't expect to see such a large radiation machine that had a large retractable type arm that had a square looking screen attached to it as well.  I was placed on the table that sits in front of the machine -- laying face up with my head towards the machine.  The techs began quickly and swiftly all the while explaining to me what was going on, what areas they were focusing on, where my tattoos were going to be placed, etc. -- it was still very overwhelming how quickly they were getting to it.  I looked up and there was a dome area with computer generated stars with shooting stars that would come across the domed area. It was really beautiful and calming -- good job designers whoever they were.  I found myself watching every motion they were doing.  I was specifically told, "DO NOT MOVE."  No wiping the nose, no scratching this or that. DO NOT MOVE.  Ok, I am a good little patient.  I didn't move till a single tear dripped down the side of my face.  I couldn't help it.  I had to wipe it away.  I guess I finally realized the magnitude of my situation.  While they were working so diligently to make all the marks perfect so they can erradicate any potential cells, I was feeling major emotions. No, I didn't begin to cry, it was that single tear that overflowed.  I guess, the one that got away!  LOL.  Anyway, I tried to clear it and I was swiftly told to stop moving, please.  Then before I could say anything further, one of my techs got a tissue and wiped my eyes for me. The 2nd tech reassured me and placed a reassuring hand on me to let me know it's going to be all ok.  It's kind of funny how I have to process the way I do. I wish sometimes I was made of steel and could get through things as if I was a cool cucumber.  But NO way -- I guess I am sensitive enough to feel everything -- oh, well. That's me. Love me or not! 

Once all was set-up, they left the room and did the dry run. The machine began to move around me -- some little machine came out from the side of the main machine and began to make noise -- apparently that was an x-ray machine -- very efficient if you ask me. Then it retracted back in place -- then the upper arm began to move around my upper torso area making it's specific noises it needs to.  I watched it come up from my right side come over the top front of me and over to my left. It finished what it needed to do and then came back over me.  Once this was done, the tech came back in and told me they would now begin the radiation process -- she shut the door, which by the way, was a very thick vault-like door! DANG! They turned on music, which was nice --  I was left there by myself  with my thoughts and prayers...............I cannot articulate my thoughts that were swirling in my head.  Part of me was saying, "Here I go; this is the beginning of the end of this whole journey to my healing; oh, dear how do I get out of this one; will I feel my organs heat up; have they made the correct computations for this radiation; what's for dinner....."
No, not really about the dinner thing, but my thoughts were swirling quickly and rapidly in my head.
I also thought, even though it's been months now, I still can't believe I'm in this situation and having to go through this process.  Weird emotions maybe; but maybe not.  I truly believe this is normal.  How can it not be normal?  Either way, I survived it and will survive 27 more treatments. It's going to be very important that I keep on my radiated area aloe vera gel 99% and/or Miaderm cream -- which I was given samples.  This is to prevent any peeling, sunburn issues, etc. I cannot take hot baths or hot showers -- luke warm, yes.  There are more details, but I will spare all of you. 

For the first treatment it took 30 minutes.  Tomorrow should take about 20 minutes and thereafter.  So on I go and cannot wait till this is finished.  I should be finished by Dec. 20.  At least I hope that to be the case.

I continue to pray and pray and pray all this will be resolved and I will be a part of the cure!  My family and friends are my rocks and I appreciate all the love they share with me. It's so important and I need it more than ever.

Yes, my Cup's still half full! 

Ciao, Ciao!

Time for the Next Journey - RADIATION

I have been absent of late due to not having a whole lot of information to share.  However, that finally changed as of this morning.

For the first time since all this began, I experienced some insurance issues regarding my treatment plan for the radiation treatment plan.  My insurance, Anthem Blue Shield, fought hard to stop my treatment the way my radiation doctor has it planned for me. Her team came up with a plan specifically for me, but the insurance wanted it to be a "generic" plan to "save money."  I'm pretty sure I don't have to go to potty mouth mode, but WTF!!! I haven't and don't experience what most people must experience daily, which is going without insurance.  I'm especially sensitive to being told "NO" when it concerns my life -- no exaggeration there at all-- I must have this specific plan set out for me by my doctor.  No wonder doctors are so frustrated with the system; why millions of people are so frustrated -- argggghhhh!  Anyway, through diligence on my doctor's part, she finally got her plan approved.  The stupid game that has to be played in order to get medical treatments done. 

The long story short is I begin my radiation treatment tomorrow, Thursday, November 3 beginning @ 2pm.  I will have a consult with my doctor to go over my treatment plan in detail so I will understand what is going to happen to my body.  One thing that is changing is the fact that the lower region of my heart will have some radiation in order to get to the nodes in my chest that were affected by the cancer.  Sucks, I know, but this must happen.  I asked if my heart will get damage -- she has assured me that it will not damage my heart. The radiation is minimal, but with anything, there is a chance, but I do have a very strong heart.  Either way, this is the best plan of attack.   But there is more information I must learn about tomorrow and will blog about it as I find out. 

I will have 28 treatments in total.  And my last day of treatment will end on Dec. 20!  Five days before Christmas and 6 Days before my 52nd birthday!  Yes, my birthday is December 26. What a
great Christmas and Birthday gift -- the GIFT OF LIFE!  I choose LIFE! I accept this gratefully!
Then I can really set myself free from many stresses.  For the first time in many, many, many years, I have a new outlook and new unleashed goals to attain.  I can't wait for this next ride in my life.  Should be an interesting one to say the least.  Not sure where I will land, but it will be right.........

As a reminder, I will be going to radiation every day -- 5 days a week till I get the 28 treatments finished.  It will be a 20 minute process.  In my case, I have to lay on a table and have my right breast taped down to the table which is very difficult since I have the expanders in my chest and I'm very small.  I have to go through this everyday -- every treatment.  I have to lay in the EXACT same position each time.  From what I've been told, the therapist will be perfecting my treatment as I go along. 
I appreciate the fact at how hard so many people are working to make this whole process perfect for me; that we have success and so I can move on and continue on in my life.

My surgeon, Dr. Hyde, wants me to come back a couple more times to see him as I go through this treatment plan.  I will abide by his request. My Oncologist will want to see me more as well. After this journey, I will be placed on maintenance medicine to prevent cancer.  It's a five year plan. I don't have a complete detailed plan as of yet, but I know it's coming after the first of the year. 

In closing, I know I may not have started my radiation treatment on the timeline that was supposed to be, but there's always a reason for everything. I know I'm stronger and more healed from the bilateral mastectomy so I will be that much more ready for this radiation.  Oh, yes, I'm fighting big time through this.  I am so grateful I don't have to do chemo again. Dear God, I would have had to dig deep big time to cope with that one, but God willing, I will not have to endure more after radiation.

God doesn't hand you anything you cannot handle.  And, with this, I will go forth and do what I need to do........I am finished with this Cancer -- it doesn't stand a chance anymore.  I won't give it that satisfaction!  No Way!  As I have in the past, I ask for prayers for my family and my complete recovery! Thank you for your continued love and support!

Oh, yes, my Cup's Half Full!
Ciao, Ciao!

What Now? Yet Another Hiccup...

Never under estimate the power of your immune system.  I do believe I did too much recently, but am testing the waters. Anyone would be if you have been segregated from the rest of the world for weeks on end.  Monday, my daughter and I did a few errands -- no big deal, right?  Well that depends on what it is, of course.  We did happen to go to a Goodwill outlet in Temecula -- not a good idea.  The moment I walked in the place I noticed there were a lot of people milling around the goods within the store.  I walked further into the store checking out things for my daughter yadda, yadda, yadda.....Bottom line, there she was, a sniffling, sneezing SICK female spewing her germs everywhere because SHE HAD TO BE THERE FOR THE GREAT DEAL OF HER LIFE.........Yeah right! One can tell I'm really tollerant of people spreading their germs everywhere.  Anyway, I walked out of the store immediately got in the car and left. 

Was out a day or two later as well, then I got my flu shot because now more than ever, my immune system is compromised.  Perhaps, I'm hoping that my immune system wouldn't be affected so easily -- boy, am I wrong, wrong, wrong....................

I woke up at 3am yesterday morning with body aches, muscle spasms, etc. Very uncomfortable.  Put myself into a tub to help relax my body. That seemed to help a bit.  Took a couple Ibuprofen and went back to bed.  I rolled around for a couple more hours -- so it was around 5:30am by the time I finally started to be able to go back into what I call  a light sleep.  Either way, that was the start of my day. I finally got up around 8:30am and took care of myself -- eating breakfast, feeding dogs, etc.  I rested a bit but had a lot of laundry I knew I needed to get to. Everyone else was gone out of the house doing whatever they needed to be doing.  Had a couple of bouts of the "runs" which was no big deal till the 3rd time around.  I will spare the gorey details, but suffice it to say it was a moment that could have come out of a comedy movie scene.  Jim came running in and quickly turned around and left me alone to deal with what I needed to deal with.........Isn't that lovely?  Oh, the joys of bodily functioning.  Gotta have comedy from time to time, but during the runs?  Really?  ARRRRGGGHHHHH! Oh, well, such is life..

By early evening, I had 100.9 degree temperature.  Now, in my world of post chemo, that is still not good.  And it's amazing how lousy one can feel with that temp.  Needless to say, I put myself to bed, got a tepid washcloth and placed it on my head & neck.  Due to my compromised immune system, the docs want me to take antibiotics for the just-in-case because in my situation it can turn bad so quickly it can make your head spin.  And, yes, I realize, antibiotics are for when you have bacteria infections, but once again, if you are a cancer patient with a compromised immune system, those rules go out the window apparently.  I get it now.  Pisses me off, but I understand it. 

I get frustrated, yet again, due to the fact I find myself in a "weakened" state which I don't want to be in.  Of course, I have and will take care of this by "being a good girl" and rest.  But now I have to stay in and stay away from neighbor kids because we all know they are walking petri dishes -- not their fault, but that's the facts of the matter. Now, the other night we had our neighbor kids over for a couple of hours due to their dad needing to borrow our BBQ because their BBQ was broken.  One child is 5 years old and the other is 10 years old.  This, too, could have been why I got a fever. Not their fault, but goes to show how sensitive and susceptible I am to germs.  Wow!  Sucks the big one if you ask me.  But that could have been another reason why I got sick.

I also know that chemo has settled into my joints and periodically I get aches and pains and my muscles react to this as well. So either way, this is what happened to me last night. 

The good news is I slept really well.  Got up one time and quickly went back to bed and back into a deep sleep.  Woke up at 7:30am.  Wow, pretty good.  No fever this morning which is great. But in my case a fever can reoccur in the afternoon. So we'll see.  So I plan on keeping my fluids way, way up today and eat/sip clear fluids and keep my diet very bland. It's supposed to be around 102 degrees here today.  Great!  So I will be kicking on the AC to be sure to keep comfortable and not suck it up trying to save on the power.  Imust be comfortable. 

My darling hubby will be having a minor surgery as well tomorrow on his carpal tunnel wrist/hand and then a scope on his elbow on the same arm. We are going to be the dynamic duo!  Bless his heart. He's had to put this off for so long due to his employment commitments over the years.  Nevering having the time to be able to take time and be down for days on end. Well, now he can and I thank GOD he's finally able to get it done.  We have our daughters and son-in-law who can take care of us with food and whatever else we need. But I'm still able to do things, just not at the level I would like. 

My hair is getting so much longer. And I'm grey with salt and pepper throughout my hair.  I find it pretty.  I doubt I will be coloring my hair, but we'll see as it grows out. What's really impressive are my eyelashes -- they are coming in thick.  Sooooooooo thrilled.  My eyebrows are coming in too, not as thick, but they look really good.  I love, love, love having my eyelashes protecting my eyes again. And I don't look so alien like.  I think within a couple more weeks, I might even try placing some mascara on them.  Time will tell.

I haven't heard back from the radiation office, but I'm sure I should hear something by Friday.  Needless to say, it's going to start soon and I will be onto the next chapters of this journey.  I'm not afraid or concerned.  I'm in good hands and I continue with my prayers and positive thoughts -- meditations.  Have to. It's simply a part of my life. I need to begin my yoga. Beginning to record yoga classes.  So off I'll go soon, I hope, but I realize I'm limited to my bending cuz of my expanders in my body/chest. However, I still stretch and do other exercises.  Exercise is key!

The Cup's Half Full!
Ciao, Ciao 

Radiation in my near Future

So much has happened in just a few short days.

I had an appointment down in Vista to have a consultation with my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka.  Their office is located 1/2 hour away from Murrieta.  Very easy to find.  The office staff was very welcoming and very professional.  They took my vitals and my blood pressure (BP) was up a little bit -- no SH--!  I get this way when I go into the unknown.  I'm so ridiculously sensitive at times, but I guess, that's ME. They expect it -- so I was told.  I've been told that I have the white coat syndrome -- YES, I would agree.  But overall, my BP is low.  Anyway, my nurse that I will be seeing on a regular basis was quite the little spit fire. Really cute and very knowledgeable.  She did a thorough Q & A with me regarding my health history.  She explained to me that my aches and pains in my joints are normal after going through the chemo treatment I've experienced.  (Thank you God, it's not that I'm getting older.........)  I've also had issues with my feet -- when I first get out of bed, as an example, my feet hurt/ache as I walk.  Takes a few feet  before everything seems to be working properly.  Apparently, this, too, is due to the chemo.  I already know my hands and body are still holding fluids; I still cannot wear my wedding ring -- this is CHEMO.  Chemo lingers in the body for months afterwards. Isn't that nice?  At least I know why this is happening.  Onward......

My nurse asked me about how I found out about my cancer diagnosis. I explained my story, which brought her to tears.  Everytime I tell someone in the medical profession down here about my story, they are shocked. 
The fact of the matter is I'm more grateful that I was diagnosed down here rather than where I lived before.  It's not to say there aren't good doctors up in Northern California, but I do know I'm in an area where I can get to great medical care quickly and have choices.  I will come back to this particular subject later.......

Within a few minutes of my first meeting with the nurse, in walked my new doctor. She's an adorable woman who has the kind of eyes that can look into your soul.  She most definitely pays attention when she is in your presence. First impressions are wonderful.  She's brilliant.  Not arrogant, just the real deal.  Isn't it ironic, I have been blessed with such expertise since the beginning of my journey. I guess, my God and all my angels insist that I get a break considering how it all began.  I'm not arguing with this at all.  I know I am blessed with all these experts. And, to me, more amazing is that they work as a team. No big time egoes here at all!!!!! How refreshing.

My doc began by introducing herself and then sitting down on a stool and scooted up closer to me and asked my how I was doing considering what I have been going through. I looked straight into her eyes and answered, "I think I'm doing pretty well overall -- but honestly, I guess I haven't viewed myself as going through as much as you have just stated."  She was taken aback by my reply, I'm sure.  She continued on and told me that she had taken a while to view all my films and reports, etc.  She told me that from what she viewed and read, she knew I have been through a lot and that my first breast MRI was "very scary looking."  I think it was those words that resinated with me to my core. When I saw my first set of MRI scans, they reminded me of a horrible weather storm.  I described it to her that way and she nodded in agreement then stated, "That is a very good way of describing your tumors."  Then once again, she asked me how I came to discover about my cancer.  I told her of my years knowing I had dense breast tissues and that I had been diligent about my self-exams and mammograms, etc.  As I explained my history to her, her eyes were very fixed on me and then I saw the tears to begin to swell in her eyes. She, too, was saddened to find out I had never been diagnosed until March 16, 2011.  She told me she saw the growth of cells in my 2006 films. When I heard her words OUT LOUD it brought back those feelings of frustration and emotions. My tears fell once again. Couldn't stop for awhile. I had to dig deeper just because I wanted to continue to explain my history. And, I also, didn't want to waste anymore negative energy on the fact the proper tests could have prevented this situation I find myself now involved in.

So we got down to business discussing in great detail what I can expect and why I have to have radiation. She went into great detail about all the side effects that can occur and what I realistically can expect.  They will contact me next week to set up the appointment so I can get "mapped out" -- all my areas that will be radiated. There will be 3 specific areas of my left side of my chest that will be radiated and from different angles.  Once the mapping is done, she will do fine tuning on the exact measurements and make any appropriate modifications if needed.  I will then have to come in again for a "dry run."  I will be placed on a table where they will test the beams -- but it will not be radiation.  The following day I will come back and begin treatment. The treatment will last approximately 15 minutes total.  The actual radiation lasts only 2-3 minutes.  In and out --- done. I will have 28 treatments.  This will last between 6 & 7 weeks -- 5 days a week.  I should be finished at the beginning of December.  I will not lose my hair or get nauseated. I may get tired -- needing a nap or rest. I may experience like a severe sunburn.  Other side effects can occur, but this is a very basic overview. 

Oddly enough, I have no fear regarding this procedure.  I feel strongly that if I can survive chemo, I most certainly can do radiation.  The doctor stated that I may not see any effects till 3 weeks into the treatment. 
I plan to continue with life forward and do what I can on my own time to counteract any potential effects. I plan to walk more and go about daily life -- cuz it goes on -- life goes on!  I want to move forward. But I'm not unrealistic to think that all is perfect, because nothing is perfect.  I'm still healing from my surgery. I still have issues with my energy from that. I'm still needing rests.  I still have to be mindful that I cannot move quickly.  But I'm doing well with being mindful.

After my appointment, I felt completely emotionally drained yet again. Each time I talk about my history these days with a doctor, it brings back a certain amount of angst regarding how this cancer journey came to be.  I have been contemplating writing a letter to my FORMER gyneocologist and her partners so I can have complete closure.  It has been suggested to me that I write the letter -- get it down on paper. Then keep the letter and if I want to send it, then do so; but if nothing else, it puts it down in writing and it gets it out of my head and body.  After doing some thorough soul searching, I have come to the conclusion this is exactly what I need to do for me.  This is not going to be a letter of blame rather it will be a letter of expression of how this could have been avoided.  I want other women especially up in Northern California to have a chance of survival rather than having NO diagnosis happen to them.  There may even be a letter to the editor of the local newspaper as well. I want women to know to question, question, question and keep pursuing without feeling like they don't have choices or rights to question their doctor.  Not only that, question the radiologist.  I had films that were obviously mis-read or not paid attention to!  That is a hard pill to swallow for me and I have to forgive and move on.  That is why I continue to pray, to meditate, to face it head on. 
I am going to rise above this; it's going to take time.  I hope all my readers will encourage their loved ones to speak their minds as well when it comes to their health! WE are our best advocates.  If we hesitate because we think we may step on someone's feet or hurt their feelings -- too damned bad!  It's OUR body -- it's OUR LIFE.

On a final note, I found out this evening that a former high school friend of mine passed away of cancer after a very long battle. She faced her journey head on and with great dignity and fire and love.  I cannot express my complete feelings except I will miss you, Jill. YOU ARE THE WOMAN! YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD. FLY -- BE FREE -- LOVE SURROUNDS YOU.

My Cup's Half Full -- feeling grateful for the love that surrounds me, too!