It's Gunna Be a Great 2012!

I had to write something before 2011 ends.  I have a couple of things that I wanted to chronicle before I forget.

Since the last time I wrote, I have seen my radiology oncologist for a skin check regarding my burn area on my chest. To her horror, she saw my skin. She was extremely apologetic that I've had to endure additional pain considering the road I've been on up to this point.  When we decided to continue forward and finish my radiation treatments, I had only 2 left.  I begged her to let me finish and not make me come back after Christmas.  My skin had already been compromised and I knew it.  So did everyone else.  There is NO BLAME here whatsoever.  I have NO regrets going forward and finishing my last 2 treatments. But wow, it has been a road of recovery.  One cannot imagine how ugly, disgusting, gross and down right awful it is to have a 3rd degree burn in an area that is thin and very exposed. Once again, I consider this such a learning experience for me to appreciate others sufferings. I'm not the only one who has suffered. There are millions of people out there that are suffering much worse than I. This whole ordeal with Cancer is a learning experience for me to pay attention and gather new understanding. 

I can't tell you how many times I hear "I know my troubles are nothing compared to yours. OR I shouldn't be complaining because you have it so much worse than I do."  Here's the deal:  There is no one upsmanship at all for what we go through. WE ALL have challenges we go through in our lives. Mine happens to be dealing with Stage 3 Breast Cancer.  I'm on the healing side of it now.

THANK YOU MY ANGELS, MY GOD AND ALL WHO PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY!
My point is I hope and pray for additional understanding and can continue to live a truer and more honest life than I have before.  I do want my life back and to be looked upon once again as a regular person who is intelligent, relevant, productive and loving in this life we live.  I don't want those looks of, "Poor Lynn."  I do understand people don't know what to do or say sometimes,  I get that.  But I hope people will look past this.  That's my prayer and wish. It's going to take time.  Once again, yet another lesson in life.  I am continuing to walk forward and finding my new voice in all this journey. 

My letter that I wrote a few weeks ago will be going out to my former gyno tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing myself place that letter in the mailbox for delivery. As I place that letter in that blue slot, I know I will be giving it up symbolically.  I have been very honest in this letter.  It's not a letter of hate whatsoever. Rather, it's a letter of hope for change in the way she may look at her patients.  I hope she will read and find understanding. True understanding.   Some friends have mentioned to me that I should take this to the next level -- suing the doctor(s).  I have said to them:  NO WAY!!!!  If anyone has ever gone through the legal system -- you better be very, very prepared emotionally and monetarily.  No one wins really.  At least from where I'm coming from for my situation, I don't feel it would help ME or my family in anyway.  If nothing else it's a road of resentment and of NEGATIVITY that I don't want in my life at all.  It's easy for some to give their opinions when it doesn't affect them. I, for one, will not pursue any legal action -- that subject is CLOSED and not up for debate. 

My days have passed rather quickly recently while dealing with my burn area. The doctor was correct that one day I will wake up and will have turned a corner in the healing of the affected area. That has finally happened for me. I still slather loads of Silvadene on my site area (6" by 8" area) I have customized a few of my t-shirts to expose my area so air can access my chest.  When I go out of the house, I place 5 Telfa Pads on the area to protect it while I wear my regular clothing. Right now the clothing has to be very loose and thank goodness we have great weather down here so I can wear the lighter clothes. But it's not good to cover up my burn area. I'm supposed to keep it free and open. Yes, I stay inside a lot. If I go out in the sun, the Silver in the Silvadene turns grey.  Yes, you guessed it -- it's a mess.  Temporary, but a mess.  We as a people will complain about inconveniences all the time, well, this has been my big time inconvenience. But at least today I feel better and have more energy because the pain isn't as great. Oh, yeah, and my Percocet really helps this! No worries -- I'm not addicted to prescription drugs.  But I am taking full advantage of pain relief.  I now believe in heading off the pain!  I don't have to suck up anything anymore.  That attitude has changed significantly. My family has been all over me to make sure I do keep on my regimen-- keep ahead of the pain.  Until one has gone through a similar situation, no one can relate.  Suffice it to say, I hope by next week, I can reduce my medication intake significantly. 

Speaking of drug intake, I have officially begun taking my anti-Cancer drug called Letrozole.  Funny thing, it has an "L" imprinted on this itty-bitty pill -- so now I call it my Lynn Pill.  I know the "L" is for Letrosole, but I like calling it Lynn Pill.  I will be on this pill for the next 5 YEARS.  Once a day keeps the Cancer away...........Kinda like: An apple a day?  Whatever..................

2012 is going to be so much better on so many levels..........I wish you all a Happiest of New Years.  Living life to it's fullest is my motto! Going to get back into shape and hopefully, look finer than fine! LOL!! We'll see.  I still have some challenges, but at least I can see the light better now. Take a deep breath in and then EXHALE!!! 

Keeping the Cup Half Full.........Yay! 

Ciao, Ciao

Blessed Christmas Season 2011

For many this time of year can be challenging or down right awful.  I think there are some that for me and my family this time of year must be very challenging. I don't and WE don't feel that way at all.
As a matter of fact, we consider ourselves very blessed. Yes, I've had some major challenges especially right now recuperating from the radiation burn which seems endlessly here. But the fact remains, I am on the mend. I am going to be back probably stronger than I've ever been in my whole life...... So I don't think this is an awful time. 

Today, I simply want to wish all the most beautiful of seasons. I hope this is the begining for new and brighter futures.  None of us know when our time here on this earth is over, so why not seize the moments and/or days.  Even if it's for a few minutes at a time, there has to be something that makes a person smile or have a warm feeling inside. I always hope that for others. Always have - that's something that hasn't changed in me.  That continues to be my wish. 

I still feel I'm the luckiest person considering how the cards have been dealt in the last few months. My family continues to love me so much even when I'm far from being lovable.  We are stronger than ever and I can't thank them enough.

My true, blue friends have shown me and given to me much more than I can ever understand.  I had issues -- big time trust issues before.  I don't have those same feelings as I once did. I have learned that if I ask a little -- just a little, they are there for me no matter what. I feel so lucky to have my friends in my life. They help make me a better person because of their love.  THANK YOU!

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Season's Greetings.

Ciao, Ciao!

Post Radiation - 1 week later

What a week of challenges yet again.. I guess I was under the false impression, once I finished my part in all these treatments that I would somehow be "free" from anymore challenges.  This is certainly not the case. I had been warned that my reddened, burned skin would continue to come to the surface.  Once again, I continue to learn, learn, learn.  Yes, my skin has turned to a new level of burn. My surface burn has grown in it's size. The heat generated is amazing.  I didn't allow myself to think about the way my skin / body would react to this radiation completely -- didn't want to face it obvsiously.  I guess I was too busy focusing on "being finished with all this...."  Wow, when will I ever learn?  My skin looks scary to me right now. Frankly, it's so gross to look  at and deal with. I have to place Silvadene heavily onto my skin to help it heal and protect it.  What a mess it is.  My clothes are in the way of it's healing -- rubbing on the upper chest area.  So then I place non-stick guaze pads over the nastiest part of burn. Its very raw and "glossy".  I can't help but think about burn victims ~ the excruciating pain they must suffer.  This 6 - 9 inch area affected is nothing by comparison to other's burned areas, but wow, it takes one's breath away from the pain it generates.  I know I'm not exaggerating this point. It's so raw and vulnerable -- my burn area, that is. I make an isotonic solution to help calm and clean my burn area.  I have a clean cloth placed on the affected area 10-15 minutes at a time.  It does help and give me a sense of relief for a short period of time.  Due to this constant attention on my burn area, I do not go out of the house as much as I would like. I'm a bit afraid of the exposure and too much rubbing of this area.  It's a mess.  I have customized a couple T-shirts and cut out a portion of the chest area away so I can have air get to this burn so I may have it heal better. If there is too much "moisture" kept in this area, it makes it worse for me and the healing process. Kind of a catch 22 of sorts.  But I keep plunking along and doing my best to try to heal.  It's going to take time ---  I am always working on my patience regarding my healing time.  I guess I have no timeframe to be anywhere, it's just that I want to do things. I have desires and goals to be among the living. It doesn't help it's the Christmas season with so many activities going on around me.  I have been told over and over by my doctors and family that I must continue to heal.  I get that. I understand this. It's my human emotions surfacing big time. Thank goodness I knit and crochet and cook a bit (must be careful with the heat factor around my chest or potential splashing on my wound); I continue to love on my dogs, but must hold back so I don't get paws accidentally coming in contact with my chest area.  ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!  Ok. Enough of this.  This may be oversimplified but this does stand true:  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.   Just a little while longer. Right?  I'm alive and cancer free. 

The other new thing that has begun:  I will begin taking a new pill for maintenance post cancer treatments. It stops estrogen production for cancer. I have some other challenges to meet in the next few months, but right now I have to get my hot flashes under control, then I will begin taking this pill. It has its share of side effects as well. I hope I won't get any but that's unrealistic.  The biggest thing I need to do is continue to exercise and keep my body limber. I just can't work out the way I want to right now. Once again, the catch 22; but I will do what I CAN in the meantime.  Clean living and clean foods are the priority as well.

Today, I'm going to bake some cookies and bring smiles to some around me.  I haven't baked in a long time just because I don't want the extra temptations around -- to heck with that philosophy!  I'm going to enjoy this process completely and with great gusto this year.  I know my family and friends, too, will enjoy my cookies.  I have to say, I can bake a mean cookie when I do allow myself to have fun with it.  LOL!! The new year is still over a couple weeks away -- so what the heck -- munch on a few cookies and have that big satisfying flavor envelope the soul! In the words of Rachel Ray:  YUMMO!  Love that word, by the way!  It says it all.

For now I'm inconvienced, but I have to keep the faith and hope that in the next few days I will see better progress in my healing. I continue to ask for prayers, positivity and overall good thoughts for me and my family.  I still feel the love from others.  It's amazing and I thank you all.  Once again, I am blessed.  Just have to let this out of me.  Thank goodness for this kind of platform.

I wish all a wonderful holiday season.  My Cup's Half Full -- I just need to continue to move forward! No looking backwards!  No way! 

Ciao, Ciao! 

The LAST DAY OF RADIATION!

I'm not sure that this is a true RE-birthing experience, but maybe it is?  Today I feel like the cacoon I have been encapsulated in was finally broken through and out came a newer and hopefully freer Lynn and maybe a better Lynn.

My morning was a very busy one -- I had been on the phone with a friend I have been very concerned with. We spoke a lot longer than I expected -- so my hubby had to remind me that I had to get on the road to my radiation appointment.  I hadn't eaten any breakfast yet because I simply was behind all morning -- I slept in till almost 9am which is not my customary time. I'm an early riser, but I guess the radiation is making me really tired.  Either way, my day began with a bang.  I was ushered to the car and off we went. I still was very excited by the prospect of this day.  I'm finally HERE!  I'm finally over these treatments -- ALMOST.  As long as it has seemed, it still has gone by rather quickly.  Time does fly.  We are all so busy in our lives, we forget how precious our time truly is.

I let a few of my special friends know I was on my way to final treatment. We had my music on as we jammed on down the road.  No issues on the road today. Smooth sailing.  I feel like my angels were guiding us through  with perfect precision.  Awesome feeling.

Got to my radiation center, brought in my gift of a huge platter of cookies for the staff.  I got hugs and thanks -- good grief, they are thanking me. I feel I'm the one that should be giving thanks!  They are all a part of the team that have helped save my life.  I told them all  one by one. I think I shocked them. One therapist told me that she has never had a patient tell her this.  That was a bit of shock to hear.  I feel that they are not only doing their jobs -- they are making differences.  They matter and are relevant -- just as I am, but they have helped me.  I will forever be grateful.

I waited because my particular radiation machine was having some "issues" so that put us back a bit time-wise.  Wouldn't you know it?  On my last day, I needed to be there the longest.  Ok.  I can deal with this.  Finally they called me. I skipped down the hallway!  Yes, I did!  Just like a kid!  I skipped.  I had to giggle to myself. Who really cares?  I was gleeful, so why not skip?  That's what I did has a kid when I was happy.  I know the obvious -- NO, I'm not a kid, but I felt like one.

My first therapist I had came and got me to escort me to my final treatment.  All smiles and hugs.  They were congratulating me all the way till they got me onto the table. Then they had to go back into their concentration mode making sure my measurements  were lined up perfectly.  Each and every treatment is the same. Then they did their final taping of my right breast onto the table.  I will NOT miss this part ever again!  Oh, yes, and the music was Christmas Themed!  My very favorite old time classic singer: Nat King Cole!  Oh, my gosh, it was so perfect.  As I laid there while the beams were doing their thing, the Nutcracker came on.  It was even more perfect.  I went to my happy place in my mind for the remainder of my time.  Before I knew it -- I WAS FINISHED!  Tears of joy.  No ugly crying, must the happy smiles and tears of joy.  The crew all told me they were so very proud of me and that they didn't want to see me under these circumstances ever again!  I said, "No problem!"  I don't want to see you either this way!  I will; however, see them from time to time as I come back every three (3) months for my follow-up care.

I don't have an appointment with them till the end of January 2012!  So excited.  It's hard to imagine life now without some sort of treatment.  But I'm up for the freedom!

We went out for lunch to a really good rib place in San Marcos. I had a couple little pieces and was thrilled and very satisfied.  Then after lunch, off we came back to town.  I had a chance to rest for about an hour and a half before my family whisked me off to a surprise dinner.  I ate lobster for the first time in a very, very long time. Both my daughter's were there along with my Mom and husband. The only person missing was my son-in-law, but he had to fly back to Italy this evening. He was greatly missed, but we knew this was going to happen so we made sure our final days together were fun and filled with a lot of laughter!  We are so blessed that our son-in-law is such a great person.

So far I haven't had any time to think about anything............I plan to sleep in a bit and possibly take a walk tomorrow with my Mom and youngest daughter.  Not sure where the road is taking me, but I do have an appointment this Thursday with my oncologist.  I imagine we will be starting soon on maintenance drugs to keep cancer away.  This is over simplified but I know I have a lot of discussions with my doc about my future;  we'll see what happens. I will also be seeing my plastic surgeon in about three (3) weeks. I still have healing time, so I won't be having surgery for maybe a couple more months.  But that's just an assumption on my part. 
I'm not sure what the road holds for me. All I know is I'm so very grateful to be alive and doing well. I still have a burn to contend with on my upper chest, but I have been assured there won't be scarring. YES!
It does look awful, but it could be worse.  In the meantime, I continue to put Silvadene on it and take care of it.  And I will continue to take care of myself and begin my true road to complete healing.

My Cup'd Half Full and I'm a FREE Woman!  FREEDOM! (At least for now!)

Ciao, Ciao! 

I'M ALMOST FINISHED WITH RADIATION!!!!

What a week it's been for me (and family for that matter!)  A lot of trying times have been enjoyed by all due to my body's getting maxed out by the radiation beams.  I've been still sick with this sinusitis infection (which really doesn't help matters at all!) Then there's the lovely nagging dry cough.  When I start to feel like a human being again, I go back a couple steps with more nagging congestion.  I swear to God as my witness that I'm doing everything in my power to make sure to take care of myself.  My poor family is watchdogging me as well trying to keep everything very clean and disinfected. The virus has managed to go through the family.  Jim and I sound like dueling hackers (coughing, that is). What a picture, eh?

Then there is the daily drives to Vista for my radiation. Apparently, it's very normal for "we" radiation patients to feel pretty cruddy at the end of our treatment stints.  My left breast area continues to feel like shrink wrap more and more, but my skin in that region has been looking so great until Tuesday. My upper left chest area and at the base of my neck have turned this lovely shade of deep red. And I'm mean deep RED.  I have increased my Miaderm cream for the protection of the skin area 3-4 times daily.  Each day my "team" of therapists who radiate me check me over with a fine-toothed comb.  They are very diligent. I have seen the doc a few times this week.  I have a new prescription cream to begin using this weekend:  Silvadene (spelling is incorrect) My poor skin is clean and not oozing anything, thank goodness, but my doc did mention that if it gets worse, she may stop my last 2 treatments until my skin is better.  So then I practically fell to my knees begging her!  I want this to be over is such a way, I think I would consider selling a body part!  I know, the dramatics -- but physically, I know I can get through this.  It looks worse than it feels, although, it is very uncomfortable.  No kidding -- I have to sleep a certain way, avoid sunlight, be very careful in the shower and bath, careful with clothing -- you name it, I have to watch it so as not to scrape anything. Gross!  Anyway..............Back to the discussion with the doctor.  She obviously is thinking of the big picture for me and my recovery.  I could end up with some major infection if the skin breaks down too much.  So this weekend is a big weekend of extra prayers for healing!  A big weekend.  Once again, I am calling on my troops for healing.  I don't know if I can convey or articulate enough how emotionally drained and physically worn I am right now to anyone.  I feel like I've been pretty much mauled by a crowd.  A crowd of what is the question -- just mauled.
Yes, I am strong; yes, I can do this, but I need a BREAK.  I NEED AN END.  Perhaps, in the not-so big picture, I'm whiney -- oh, well. I think I'm entitled. I don't like that word too much:  ENTITLED, but that's my honest to God feelings.  I want this done.  I'm sure my poor family has had quite enough as well. I realize intellectually that I need to heal and need to go through all these steps.  But the human element and emotional side of me is soooooooooooooooooooo TIRED AND DONE with all this.  No more touching me, moving me, no more taping my poor right boob down to the side of the table each and every treatment;  negotiating my body by the milisecond over onto one side or another.  I just want to be a regular person again.......................................

Ok, with that, I also realize NOTHING will ever be the same. I get that.  I, too, have changed not only physically but even more inside -- emotionally and spiritually.  I am forever changed.  In actuality:  I love myself so much more than I ever did.  I love those around me even more -- whether they believe that or not because some days, I'm hardly loveable.  I do promise all this craziness isn't in vain.  I cannot believe all that I'm going through is in vain.  It just can't be. I cannot accept that. I will not accept this.  All I know is I must make something better in my future. I just don't know what that is just yet. Kind of like stating:  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
But that's very true as well.  Trying to be patient.  It's a daily battle with myself.  And still yet, I battle with the forgiveness aspect of my life.  I'm getting softer that way, so there is still hope for me.

I see my oncologist next week.  That's a double-edged sword for me as well. What I mean is I like my doctor and staff, but I don't want to see him because it's my clear reminder about CANCER. I don't want to hear any bad news.  I don't want any negative anything. But logically, at this point, I'm clear and clean inside my body.  I'm not sure what other tests will be needed other than certain obvious ones that I am already to deal with -- it's just the unknown for me.  I will begin a maintenance drug to prevent CANCER from infiltrating my body again. I pray daily (sometimes more than a few times in a day) that they don't find cancer anywhere else.  A person can't help but feel those inner thoughts when one goes through something like this. It doesn't come up often, but I have to admit, it does happen once in awhile. And when it does, I change that thought quickly.  It's an evil little thought that I don't want Cancer to have an opportunity ever again to disrupt my life. 

As for my letter.  I wrote the first draft.  And I've re-read it several times with a special few in my life.  I still need to clean it up, but I will be sending it most definitively.  I have to. 

So off I go beginning the weekend on a rather mellow note - I am asking all who can for more prayers, please. My angels have been very, very generous with me.  I appreciate all who has stood by my side through these months.  I cannot thank you enough. I continue to forward motion!  Just like my other sisters and brothers who are going through this journey.  There are positive lights out there!  I still feel those amazing hugs from time to time.  It's a warmth like no other.  I am blessed.  Sometimes I feel like a blithering fool muddling through -- but what can I say?  It is what it is.............And it's going to get better. I MUST!  I cannot accept anything else!  This is not in vain. 

I'm trying with all my might that My Cup's Half Full.  When I write, I feel more empowered than before. 
This is a wonderful platform for expression and hopefully, sharing -- so someone else can heal and know we are not alone in this bizarre journey. 

Ciao, Ciao!

I Wrote The Letter!

You may be asking, "What letter?" 

For weeks now I've written about a letter I, personally, must write to express my feelings about not being diagnosed or properly treated by my previous gynecologist.  This is an oversimplified explanation for my writing, but needless to say, I have needed to do this so I can move forward in my recovery and not be so angry.  I've had this letter in my head for weeks now. I've been going over and over with the emotions and words I've wanted to say.  But for some strange reason, I couldn't or wouldn't take the next step in simply writing down my words onto paper and/or write it on my laptop. 

I had a meeting with my radiology oncologist yesterday.  Let me say this about my doctor:  She is an amazing WOMAN and professional. She has everything we, as patients, need and want in a doctor. She has such a capacity of compassion, empathy, intelligence, accuracy, straight talking, and love. Wow, she is amazing.  While we met, I had quite the breakdown. I think she has been realizing I needed to do this.  I've been way too strong and not allowing myself to feel all the strange emotions I've been experiencing.  We must have spoke for at least 15 minutes.  She held my hand a few times, passed the tissues, and her words of wisdom were exactly what "the doctor ordered."   I didn't feel like a freak of nature. But she did have some very honest words that needed to be said.  She told me I need to be in counseling on a more consistent basis to get this angst out of me.  Tell it to someone who is on neutral grounds. I have gone from time to time to a lady who has helped me out during chemo treatments. It's time to go back -- I obviously need a little guidance. The way I feel about counseling is this:  You do the work. The counselor is a guide. They do not make magic happen.  I just need to stop trying to work my emotions out quietly. I can't and don't need to be so strong in the sense that I must control everything at all times.  Those days are gone.  They really are. Now, this doesn't mean I have no independent thought, etc, it just means I need guidance now. I'm going through hell right now.  I'm on the downhill slide, of course, but that doesn't mean it's that neat and tidy as far as emotions are concerned.  I'm still coming to grips with the fact my life has changed FOREVER.  I think in this day and age of life, sometimes we forget that we are not robots. We are HUMAN BEINGS with many different layers to ourselves.  So with that, I will put myself back into counseling and see what happens.  What's the worse that can happen?  I could drive my counselor to begin to drink heavily cuz I'm such a unique person.  LOL!!! Gotta laugh -- it's healthy! 

Getting back to the letter:  I have it in draft form currently. I will NOT post it on this blog. There are some things that are not comfortable for me to post on this format. TMI -- too much information.  Needless to say, I will send this letter.  I'm very proud of this letter.  I am completely honest with my feelings and kept to the facts.  I hope good will come out of this for this doctor as well.  One thing I did tell her: I pray for her daily.  This is the truth.  I do pray for her.  I don't wish her ill-will; just that she re-evaluate how she "practices" her medicine on her patients. 

When I finished writing my letter, I took one big breath and EXHALED cleanly.  There were no earth-shattering emotions that flooded my being, but through the course of my afternoon, I kept on feeling this calm come over me more and more and more. It was a gift!  I cleansed myself of sorts.  Talk about tranquility -- wow. I ate dinner with such  calm and enjoyed my family even more.  Even my pain from radiation had subsided somewhat. 

When I went to bed I had such a calm all around me.  I feel my angels were hugging me -- telling me, "Lynn, now, please rest and all is going to be okay.  Rest and don't worry." 

I guess that's what I did because I woke up very rested.  I feel lighter in step, too. 

It's never too late to learn... I continue to learn daily and my forgiveness is still a work in progress.

Ciao, Ciao.

Going to begin 4th week -- Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

What a great Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for and it was shared by family and extended family and friends.  The food was great and I was able to cook!  Of course, I had help and took a couple naps during the day, but it didn't stop the momentum of enjoying our family and friends.  So wonderful!

Considering how I have been feeling for a few weeks now since radiation started, I still am keeping the stiff upper lip!  I may not have been completely honest about many of my feelings I've been experiencing.  Sometimes when I go into my radiation room and the door has been closed, the machine starts up and all the reciprocating arms circle around me, somehow I begin to let out tears from my eyes.  I think about what is truly happening to my body and what is about to be beamed into my cells, it brings me to tears -- not the ugly cry but the kind that are non-stop streaming down the sides of my cheeks and puddles into my ears.  I can't move. I'm not supposed to move a millimeter during the process -- so there I lay with the tears. Not to mention, they have me taped to the table -- literally taped to keep my right breast from getting radiated. It's not a pleasant experience to go through. But I try to "leave" that space during my treatment -- I sing to the songs (they play my CD - Luther Vandross during my treatments); I visualize I have a bubble around my major organs for protection purposes, I think and go to my favorite mountain side in Civita D'Antino (Abruzzo region of Italy). I do what I have to in order not to completely freak out as I lay there.  Most would probably think:  "At least it's not chemo....." That's correct -- it's not chemo -- but it's still very serious treatment and no one knows, unless they have gone through it themselves, what really happens inside those rooms. No, it doesn't physically hurt; I'm not treated poorly ever -- I guess it's the culmination of all that I have been through.  I feel pretty done all in all. I don't want anymore advice, I don't want to hear anymore about "my tumors"; I don't want to drive daily 86 miles; I don't want to be strong; I don't want to have small talk as I am being taped to the table; I don't want anyone touching me!  With that being said, this doesn't mean I am resentful towards the amazing staff that deals with me daily.  They are my angels.  They are so supportive, uplifting, professional and all around nice.  It's the fact I have to do this because of that F***ing Cancer.

I have been pretty pensive to say the least at my home as well. Sometimes I get into moods of absolute quiet to filling up with venum.  My poor hubby is trying his best to keep me happy -- but he can't do it all. I have been viporous to him at times.  Not fair to him. There is no reason except for the fact I have been worrying about other things in our lives. It's life -- we all have worries -- different levels, of course, but just the same, worries.  Then, my daughters have been feeling the tension.....They keep asking me various questions trying to figure out what the heck is going on with me.  Of course, I haven't been communicating to them.  I have been trying to be quiet about my true feelings because it's my issue and not theirs.  Isn't that a hoot?  When a person develops cancer, it's the family's issue. Not just the patient's.  It's all our issue.  I know this, but haven't been walking the walk very well recently.  For so long I have been very peaceful, loving and tranquil.  But it changed about 3 weeks ago.  It happened when I had a big argument with my hubby about personal issues.  That's when I clamped down big time.  I mean sealed up.  And since then, I have been this festering pool of tension.  Needless to say, it didn't work.  It didn't work at all.  Thank God my family is a loud, communicating family. We really like to go to the point of uncomfortableness.

They came to me last night and confronted me big time about what they have been observing for the past few weeks.  Funny thing, I really didn't have a lot to argue about. At first I wasn't cooperating by being defensive.   But once I completely was honest with them, the flood gates opened and there I was a raging river of tears. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe at one point.  Oh, yeah, I haven't stated that my 88 year old mom is witnessing all this going on.  She really was a rock through all this. She had a lot to offer all of us -- her wisdom.  It was awesome!  Thank you, Mom!  You are my shining star!

Anyway, all that angst came out. All those worries came out loud; loud and clear to all.  Saying the words out loud confirmed once again to me that you don't have to go through this all alone.  I don't have to be perfect and in CONTROL at all times.  As a matter of fact, it feels so good not to be in control.  It feels so good to be completely and utterly vulnerable.  I feel safe with these people.  THEY LOVE ME. What a concept, eh?  They are in it for the long haul. They are not going to trample all over my feelings.  They have no intention of making me feel uncomfortable ever.  They just want to love me and get to know me better through all this hell oh earth.  This was so difficult for me even though I'm an open person, but going through all these emotions since being diagnosed has opened up a whole new way of thinking and feeling.  Each day I learn something new about myself.  Some days are better than others.  And the last few weeks have been awful!  Even though I have written all is good -- for the most part, going through the motions is good, but my inner feelings have been in turmoil.  So I must apologize to all my readers as well as apologize to myself for not be truly AUTHENTIC.  This is a difficult time in my life.  It's been the biggest challenge I have ever had to deal with.  I will continue to monitor and continue on this journey forward.  There are going to be days that are simply crappy. But for the most part they have been so good to me. I continue to rely on my faith, love and friendships. They are what keep me in check. I thank you and continue to love.

With that, my Cup's still half full and am still a work in progress.

Ciao, Ciao!