THIS IS IT -- Tomorrow Begins a New Journey

How does time fly by so quickly is beyond my comprehension. But it has and now tomorrow, Monday, August 29, 2011, is almost here. 

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote on my blog. 

I had my breast MRI, I had a 2nd venous doplar study (vein study) and had a 2nd PET SCAN. 

I have all good news, if you can believe that one.  To begin with, my breast MRI showed my left axillary (armpit/node area) and left breast with significant reductions in the tumors.  My doctors were so amazingly happy.  And, of course, so am I and my family.  I cannot explain the sense of relief I have been living since all the test results. I think I floated out of the surgeon's office. I had a lot of hugs from the nurses and all around me!  Very cool situation to be in considering my original tumor in my armpit was 5 cm and now is down to a small pea is almost inconceivable to me. My tumors in my breast are little blips on the screen. Very small -- well below how it started.  The PET Scan also showed negative results which means there are no other areas in my body that have cancer attached. The shadow that showed in the center of my chest is now GONE!!! However, that doesn't mean I don't avoid radiation.  I will still have radiation in that area and in my axillary area and I imagine there might be radiation in my left breast area, but am not sure on that one just yet.  My doplar study showed that there is no superficial blood clot in my right arm either.  Way back at the beginning of all the chemo treatments I had the issue with my right arm developing a small superficial blood clot due to the port placement and the initial treatment with 3 chemo drugs -- one notably the nemisus:  Adrymyacine.  (evil but effective drug). Anyway, my veins are all flowing properly throughout my arm and through the area where the incision was made.  It takes months for veins to get back to working properly, which also means that the inflammation I was experiencing takes time to go away. All this is due to chemo ~ bottom line.  I just have to be patient a little while longer, but at least I know that time will heal. 

So once I got these results back, I have been able to feel a sense of relaxation -- breathe a little easier and know that I will be able to go into my surgery stronger mentally/emotionally with greater hope than I could have expected.  I know in my heart of hearts that all this good news isn't just because chemo did it's job.  My unexpected great results are because of prayers, because of the good, positive attitude I have been holding onto, because of the love that has been coming my way from here or from around the world.  I know all of this has helped my treatment. 

I am very ready for this cancer to be out of my body and I expect my team of doctors will be at their best tomorrow morning since I am the first surgery of the day for them.  They have assured me they are ready. I told them both to make sure to get a good night's sleep and DO NOT drink coffee before touching a scalpel! LOL!! They got a good chuckle out of that one.  My family and I will be leaving home by 4am to get to the hospital. I have to be there by 5:15am. I also told the docs I want to be put out rather quickly because I don't want to watch them get ready for me in the operating room.  Last time I had a little too much time to chat with people while they were readying the room.  I don't want to see that this time. The surgery is supposed to last 5 - 6 hrs total, but I have a huntch that may not occur.  My general surgeon, Dr. Hyde, stated that it should be simpler than first anticipated, so we'll see.  My reconstructive surgeon, Dr. Barttelbort, has the majority of the work to begin tomorrow as well.  I have been prepped that this is not the finish work surgery. This is the beginning phase of reconstruction.  I will have 2 more surgeries after this one.  It may be one year before this is truly over for the reconstructive portion.

I have been told repeatedly that I need to be more authentic with my life overall.  This whole journey has been teaching me how to be more authentic in my life.  I notice through this writing that I am in the process of learning more and more about myself and how it's okay to not be happy at all times if that's NOT what I'm feeling. It's okay to admit that life isn't so great today or that I don't feel like talking to whoever it may be at that time. But it's very important to be present and enjoying life -- really embracing it more than I thought could possibly be embraced.  I have always thought I was enjoying life to it's fullest when in fact, I may not have been so much.  I certainly know I worried a lot.  I worried about the things in life that we have no control of.  I continue to learn daily and I continue to love life more and more.

Today has been a day of getting my final obligations in order such as paying our monthly bills, doing last minute laundry, got my medical bed made up with sheets with extra padding, packing my bag, and doing some physical therapy for circulation.  Been receiving quite a few phone calls which has made me very emotional -- which is a good thing. I am grateful for all the love coming my way.  It was pretty difficult talking with my Mother today.  She was very emotional which caused me to start crying.  It's so difficult not seeing her in person before this surgery.  I will speak with her before tomorrow again.  

My hubby is asleep right now and we're supposed to be going to a baseball game. Not sure if we are going to make it to this one.  The game is being played earlier than normal and it's hot outside ~ almost 100 degrees.  In Lake Elsinore, where the game is being played, it's going to be even hotter.  We'll see if we go -- I think we'll make it. We want to take Amy's friend to the game -- it will be her first American game she has attended. She is originally from Greece and now lives in France.  It's great having her here.  She has been so helpful!

Okay.  the next time I write will be updating all as to what has transpired since my bi-lateral mastectomy.

I am ready.  I feel very calm and confident with my decision.  Here I go!  The new Lynn is about to emerge into a new butterfly (at least I hope).  Not sure what the road will show me this time, but I'm sure it's going to be okay.  Think CLEAR PATHOLOGY!!!

And, once again, my Cup's Half Full -- and now it truly will be....................

To be continued!

Ciao, Ciao  

 

MRI TUESDAY

I had a very busy day, Tuesday.  I started out by going over to my plastic surgeon's office to fill out paperwork for my surgery, etc. Then off to my breast MRI.  That went well. I still cannot get over how LOUD those stupid machines are.  I envision some kind of engineer trying to figure out how they can develop a machine that can get into the psyche of a person's mind.  All those various sound levels and cranking sounds. So strange to me.  Why can they not make an MRI machine "do their thing" but without all those noises?  We do live in 2011; don't we?  Just wondering........... Anyway, getting back on track.................After the MRI, I went up into the "Tower" where my general surgeon resides to review with him my results of the MRI.  What's cool is that they have the ability to review results from medical tests on the Scripp's computer systems program almost immediately. It's very efficient.  

Oh, I should back up a bit and let all know Jim and I were greatly surprised Monday night by Amy arriving into the states and surprising us big time at Ashley's home!  Oh, yeah, I cried and laughed like a baby!  I've been wanting her to be here for so long and she's finally here!  They got us good!  Ashley arranged all this secretively for over a month now.  Sneaky, beautiful woman! Love her!  Anyway, Amy is here and we are back together! WE cannot wait for our son-in-law to arrive soon as well!  But for now, it's the 4 of us again!  So glad she can be here while all these preparations are going on and that we have a chance to catch up before surgery happens.

Back to the doc's visit...........

I'm waiting there along with my family and my doctor literally busts in the office exam room with his eyes bulging big time.  He states, "You have AMAZING RESULTS!" "I cannot believe these results; they are simply AMAZING!"  He went on to explain my tumors have shrunk so much that they are practically non-existent!  Of course, once again, I began to cry and laugh at the same time -- how that happens, I don't know, but what great news, right?  What phenominal news!  When you have a tumor in your axillary go from 5 cm to a mere small pea size, once gets excited!  My breast tumors are like little blips on the screen!  Incomprehensible!  The chemo did it's job and the PRAYERS AND POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS did the biggest job of all, we all believe!  But most of all the doc was beside himself. He is a very dignified person. He is always caustiously optimistic, reserved because they must be. He deals with the worst situations that come his way -- he can't be animated necessarily. But he was practically doing a jig in the office.  We all just hugged! Then we got back to the business at hand at preparation for my surgery. But because of the change in my tissues and circumstance, the surgery will change as to how they will deal with my removal of the affected areas.  I will be having another PET scan and Venous Doplar Study this week.  I'm curious to see if the spot that exists in my chest is gone now. Not sure if this will stop them from radiating that area -- probably not, but it will give me more a peace of mind that it may be gone.

I keep on saying my prayers and meditations and positive affirmations.  No matter what, I am going to beat this Cancer!  It cannot get Lynn Johnson!  It simply CANNOT!

Anyway, getting back to the doc exam.  He told us to come into this office to see the MRI images.  Wow, wow, wow!  I/we never saw the first set of images -- probably due to the fact I had been in such a shock type mindset and didn't even ask.  Neither one of us asked to see.  And I'm sooooooooooooo glad I didn't see my first set of images. It looked to me like a bad weather pattern coming across a region of land!  What a mass of destruction called Cancer.  Very scary stuff. I think it would have put me back emotionally, mentally, and physically!  Would have been counter productive for me. Not to say that anyone else wouldn't want to see their images, but for me, NO.  Now seeing the comparison images was great.  I could see the before and after chemo.  My tissues look so clear and clean with little and I mean LITTLE tumors.  And without all the other blurry tissue malformations.  All I could do was say to myself, "Thank you God! And Thank you ALL for those prayers!"  So profound and I cannot express this well enough.  I also have a sense of relief even though the cancer is still there.  Odd, I know, but in cases such as mine, prognosis can be very difficult. It doesn't always turn around this dramatically.  I have realized this from the beginning.  I knew this.  But one doesn't want to focus on that fact.  I want to focus on how to make this better and get well!  My goal has always been to grow very old with Jim and to enjoy our unborn grandchildren.  I also want to continue my travels around the US and the world.  I have a life I want to continue to live. I am living, but obviously not completely.  I'm working on that part.  None of us have guarantees. I get that, but I don't want Cancer in my life.  And I certainly don't want it to be the main concern in my life.  I still feel it's an unwelcomed intruder.  So it must go away.  And I do believe we are on the right path for that to become a reality!

Isn't this great news?  I'm so stoked!  I'm so hopeful and greatful for the way things are being handled.  One step at a time and not putting the cart before the horse.  I know I have a long way still, but it's looking bright!  And I'm going to enjoy that fact. 

I know I have a  huge surgery coming up. It's very daunting to me, but I can get through the physical aspect of it. I will wrap my brain around this process and do my part. I continue to need prayers and ask it of anyone who cares.  My family needs prayers. But I know we are being supported.  If we weren't, there would be another type prognosis happening now.  

Yes, Yes, Yes, my Cup's Half Full! More than ever!  LOL!! Will keep all posted as to the next few steps. I have my youngest daughter here to complete our little circle!  I'm so lucky to have the love of my family the way we love each other.  Good, bad and the ugly!  LOL!!

Ciao, Ciao! 

  

NO CHEMO THIS THURSDAY.....

I'm celebrating this day due to the fact I would usually have to have my chemo treatment on a Thursday morning -- every three (3) weeks.  But NOT TODAY!!!  Or ever again, I hope!(It's been exactly three weeks since my very last chemo!!!)    For some of you Half Empties out there, you might be saying, "Never say Never."  I get that..............but, I am embracing my freedom from chemo anyway I can! And the more I project that positive affirmation, the higher chances I know that I won't have to return!

My normal routine would be on Wednesday, I would start (unconsciously mind  you) to get a little more somber, quiet, heady and introspective.  I wouldn't engage in conversation as much just because I was thinking about what was to happen on Thursday morning -- how would my blood levels be; would I have another episode with an artery not wanting to cooperate; would I have phlebitus again; is the doc going to tell me he wants to extend chemo maybe another treatment or 2; has my tumors shrunk from the last chemo; am I going to be sicker this time.....I mean the list could go on and on. And I'm the positive person.  I'm the one that usually can figure out a better way to look at things, but I am also very human and cannot help but wonder.  I think it's part of this journey of discovery. 

I'm not so sure how well I have articulated all the side effects I've had.  I've gotten so used to telling myself, "Oh, well, this too shall pass." Or, "Ok, I can get over this hurdle. Cancer you suck so big!" OR, "Dear God in Heaven, please let me get through this... Just let me get through this..." 

But I'm not so sure it helps anyone to complain.  I don't mean to complain, but it happens to all, I guess.  How can you not get through something like this or any other illness or challenge in one's life without being human and vulnerable?  I hope to think I am a better person because of all of this.  I believe I am.  I certainly don't worry about the little things I used to.  I do have a lot more confidence in myself than I used to. Life has such a different flavor to it now.  I have my world currently that I'm inside of that many if not most of my loved ones around me or friends don't begin to really understand.  I can't expect them to.   I have no expectation of that.  I try to explain but it's difficult for people to understand "YOUR" perspective of how you see the world around you.  (not sure if that made any sense, but it's the honest to God truth from me.)

So I take moment by moment as needed.  I take day at a time as needed.  But the best thing now is NO CHEMO!

I am getting stronger everyday. My nails are awful looking because they have been greatly affected by the chemo. My toes are great (yay!).  And I have my tastebuds back!  Foods or drinks can taste a little weird at times -- depending on the foods and/or drinks, but for the most part I taste things very well. I have been so lucky not experiencing any kind of nausea!  Never did.  My hair is non-existent!  I'm bald as a que-ball!  I really don't mind oddly enough.  I continue to wear my scarves, hats and bandanas.  I don't cover up at home ever. I'm out in the yard protected, of course, but I walk outside bald and beautiful!  And I ALWAYS sport my earrings!  I also don't have many eyelashes or eyebrows.  I have one eyelash on my lower lid of my left eye! So sad.  It's an amazing thing why we have eyebrows and eyelashes.  Treasure that fact!  They protect us from so many particulates in the air not to mention the sun!  My eyes are forever watering. It looks like I'm always crying these days, which I am not. If nothing else I'm laughing  and smiling so much more. But another side effect is my "dry eye" issue which ironically produces my tearing action.  I always have my little Kleenex's with me at all times.  I especially look forward to the day when I can see my eyelashes growing back.  That will eliminate so many issues for me.  Onward as they say................

 I saw my plastic surgeon the other day and he was pleasantly surprised at how well I looked.  He was very animated about that fact.  He stated most people come into the office with their heads hanging lower than normal due to the effects of the final chemo.  I guess I'm the lucky one because I'm feeling so much better.  I'm trying to grab as much of that feeling as possible.  All I want is NORMAL -- whatever that means anymore.  I want to have a normal conversation that doesn't center around me and my cancer.  I want to be looked at as a normal human being that has regular feelings, perspectives, ideas, opinions just like EVERYONE else does.  I don't get shunned, but I do get treated differently when I'm out in public.  People can't help it.  I understand that now.  But I have a tendency to be bright and smiley (because that's how I'm feeling).  I really love being out of the  house and among the LIVING! So I guess that projects itself. I can't help it.  It's also an opportunity for me to change the face of Cancer somewhat, I guess.  It's a day by day process, and it's working.  I've always believed that when you smile at a person, somehow that can make a difference in a person's life even if it is as small as a smile. It's warm, simple, inviting and kind.  I like that very much.  I know how I feel when someone smiles at me.  It makes me feel warm in my heart.  It does make me feel relevent as well.  Not sure why, but a smile has always done that for me. 

I have begun to wake up from my funk of chemo so much that I think my family wishes I were a little less aware of my surroundings. I have a lot of questions now about why certain things are not done around the house or yard or garage or whatever.  So I must work on my over-zealous approach about issues.  Trying to make up for loss time doesn't help me or my family -- I'm working on that. 

I have begun little projects to keep me busy while I wait for my surgery.  I'm doing some sewing projects and, of course, my knitting and crocheting are my passions!  Gotta have a taste of yarn everyday no matter what is in the way. I cannot imagine not having my zen of knitting or crocheting in my life.  Kind of like not being able to have my dogs in my life or my family in my life.  I have to have my knitting/crocheting time.  Love it!

Next week I meet another time with the plastic surgeon for paperwork; the following week I have pre-op blood work at Scripp's Medical Center and an EKG test -- gotta make sure my heart is in fighting form! I will also have my breast MRI a few days later. This will show my surgeons (2 of them) how the tumors have shrunk and how contained they are and, of course, how much tissue they will ultimately have to remove.

 I have been a good little camper regarding my walking and doing my ab workout.  I still retain a lot of water due to chemo so my oncologist has put me back on the diuretic to relieve this water retention.  My body is such a sensitive body! Drives me nuts at times.  I'm not normal --- I've always known that one!  LOL!

Then my youngest daughter will arrive later this month before my surgery. I cannot wait for her arrival!  This will complete my circle!  We also have a wonderful lady arriving from France to be with me to work with me and my circulation. She is a Physical Therapist that has an amazing new technique.  I will heal quicker after my surgery and also help my overall circulation for my major organs.  She is an amazing woman and has helped many, many people in Europe. I'm very lucky to have her here with us for about 10 days. 

Monday, August 29 @ 7:15 am my surgery begins.  It may be 5 - 6 hours.  I am asking for prayers for me and my family as well as my team of doctors and nurses.  They and their staff especially need prayers so they will be on top of their game this day.  Pray for no hidden surprises. I feel in my heart of hearts this cancer is contained.  I still cannot feel my tumor in my armpit. They cannot find it as well, but the nodes must be removed as well as the tumors from my breast.  I am ready for the biggest challenge of my life. I think I've been through the worst part and that is the chemo, but to remove body parts is not taken lightly either.  All I want is to get this out of my body.  It's not as easy as some talk about to me -- this is a major surgery, but it must be done and I will then be able to truly begin the healing process.  After surgery, I have another hurdle and that is radiation.  Not sure when that will take place exactly, but it may be as soon as 3-4 weeks after surgery depending on how well I'm healing.  This is why I do ask for prayers.  Once again, I can't do this alone and I realize this.  The prayers and positive healing energy has been a big factor at how well I have been doing.  It's not all about the medicine.  It's about the faith, good positive attitudes, good energy and most of all LOVE. 

Once again, my Cup's Half Full and continuing on this healing journey. 

Ciao, Ciao!