I just got the phone call from the Temecula Valley Nuclear Medicine group. They have me scheduled for the PET cat scan for tomorrow, Wed, March 23 @ 2pm. I can only eat specific foods for dinner and breakfast tomorrow before 8am. Then I can drink water and herbal teas. No sugar anything since they will be injecting me with a pharmaceutical radioactive agent into my body. Doesn't that sound like a good time had by all? Whhhhhheeeeeee! After the test, then I can flush it out of me with lots and lots of good water. Kinds of makes me want to go the bathroom now. Yikes. TMI, sorry. I will get my results in 9 days from my oncologist. Pray I have no other cancers attached anywhere else in my body. If there are, well, they are going to be nuked anyway. I just hope it's not in any main organ. But either way, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT all the way. There are AMAZING advances in medicine now.
I just haven't said it yet, but I am looking at holistic approaches as well as what the medical field has available. Yes, I'm watching my intake of foods, sugars, NO alcohol, etc. I'm in the process of learning a lot about what I need to do for myself. I'm not looking forward to chemo.
I ask for your prayers, good thoughts, good energy, whatever you can throw my way.
Hugs to all! I need a hug. A lot to take it right now. I better go find a dog to cuddle with for a while.
Ciao, Ciao!
Lynn
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
How this all happened....
Hey there!
For those who are wondering how did this all happen I'll do my best to explain.
After coming home from Italy from the summer and I began to settle into life here in Southern California, one night in November I was doing my regular "grazing" around my breasts (self-exam) which I always do out of habit -- this is nothing new for me because I've had very cystic breasts since I was a teenager. My left breast, in particular, has been the one that has the most mass. All my docs up in Humboldt County knew about my tissue being very "dense" as they have always told me. Through the years it's been "status quo" regarding my lumpiness. Ok, so the questions I already know that are coming up in your minds, possibly, is WHY wasn't there further testing or biopsies. Good question. Gotta remember this is through the 80's - 90's era -- I'm a healthy female, child-bearing years, etc. No one was alarmed.
Now, it's not to say I didn't think about the fact: What if something was growing in among the mass? And, of course, being the type of person I am, I figured I was doing my fair shair feeling and watching and being healthy and knowing there is NO cancer in my family -- well, how could there be anything growing in there? Not my Tah-Tahs! I'm too busy for such nonsence and didn't give it any more thought. Every year, faithfully, I go for my "pickle-tickle" with they gyno (get used to my lingo! Gotta have a sense of humor dealing with me :)) at the time I would be examined for lumps in my breasts. My docs and I knew about the same lumps, they dismissed them -- no big deal.
Then when I hit the age for mammograms -- did my part every year, faithfully. About 4 years ago during a mammogram at Mad River Hospital, a technician left my film up on the viewing screen and I saw what I believed to be a "beacon of light". Albeit, it was tiny -- itty-bitty, I still asked her what was that on my breast? She dismissed it and stated to me that they have been watching this little spot for a couple years. It hasn't grown so we are not going to be doing anything with it. It's probably a little cyst. Not to worry.
With that, I thought to myself, "Hmm, Okay, they are supposedley knowing what they are doing, I won't then. Great.." That was the only time I ever heard anything.
So life is happening. I'm working diligently, doing life just like everyone else. Just like we all do, I'm starting to move in a different direction in life and Jim (my hubby) and I decided to think it would be a great time now to think about retiring and move to So. Cal t o be closer to Ashley. The long and short of it is, I RETIRE from HSU, which by the way, was the BEST thing I have EVER, EVER done so far in my life. I love the people I've worked with! That's a given, but I do not miss the campus or it's inner workings. It was time to move on to the next chapters. So I did. The transition has been relatively easy.
Jim and I bought the house, got the greatest of neighbors (love them more than they even know.... Hug/kiss you all), Amy, our youngest daughter married Loreto down here in May and then I left soon thereafter for Rome, Italy and lived back and forth between Abruzzo region and Rome from May to end of August.
What a journey. Many of you know as I shared on Facebook this was the time of my life.
I knew I was going to be on a journey of sorts and finding out what next to do. During my stay there--especially living in Civita D'Antino-- in actuality, little did I know I was in the process of preparing for what I now know to be true -- I have cancer. But at the time I knew I was resting and healing my spirit of sorts and walking in those glorious mountain roads enjoying the landscape and drinking it all in. I would be listening to amazing sounds of the Roveto Valley below Civita, all the swallows swooping and dancing in the sky above me -- it still sends me back with the most overwhelming sense of love, happiness and peace. Then, of course, the food, drink, language was beyond my best of the best expectations. Getting the picture? All that being said near the end of my time in Italy I really was missing Jim and wanting to come home but knew this was still the dream trip of a lifetime and I needed to be present for all that it was giving me.
But I couldn't wait to come home and be with my hubby. This was the first time in my adult life with Jim that WE were separated this long as a married couple. I can honestly say that I will never, ever again be separated from him that long. It's ok for me to be gone for a month. I'm good with that, but never 3 months again. Poor guy! LOL
Back to November 2010. I examined myself and found a lump in my left armpit. To understand how my brain works you just have to understand I'm always rationalizing why my body does what it does. So with that, I thought that I had this lump because I was having so many allergy issues -- I had 3 sinus infections in a 2-month period of time. My glands are known to swell. So that's what I chalked it up to. I had Jim feel this lump as well. He didn't know what to think really. We both thought ok, whatever. How WRONG I was.
I eventually made an appointment with my now new gynochologist named: Teresa Stigen, she is located in Fallbrook, California. She is an awesome practioner and very thorough. I went to see her and within moments of the breast exam her facial expression changed. She had heard my history from me about my tissue and being dense, etc. She stated as she was examining me that this was a large mass and that she was going to order a digital mammogram with ultrasound. She sat with me and also discussed meeting a general surgeon to further discuss the possibilities after the mammo to deal with this lump. But we would have to wait and see what the results would be. FREAKIN GULP! Oh, yeah, my blood pressure went through the roof. She also wanted me to get a complete physical as well (due to my blood pressure issue... 167/100) I've never had that high a bp before. But I got scared. Oh, yes, very scared.
Hang in there with me, I'm getting closer to current stuff. Just a little longer.
I made an appointment with a great D.O. named Hue Wen Annie Dai. She goes by Annie. She is amazing. I feel so lucky so far as to the great medical care I'm receiving. Annie is in her mid 30's. Very candid, loving, kind, LISTENS, and is a true professional. I also like the way she was with Jim. Oh, yes, Jim has been there with me all the way! He's my ROCK Star! Anyway.......
Dr. Annie was great about the support of Dr. Teresa Stigen sending me for the mammo, ultrasound and ultimately to the general surgeon. All my blood work came back great. She also had me take an X-ray of my chest because of my coughing. I cough a lot due to my allergies. No asthma, just cough. That X-ray came back clear as well. All good so far.
Friday, March 11, 2011 is always going to live with me now because that is the day I went in for my mammogram, my ultrasound and, finally, my biopsy. The facility this all happened at was located in Murrieta, California where I now reside. Great office. Very modern with up-to-date medical equipement. I was greeted with big smiles and then ushered to the back where I would have all these procedures done.
When the radiologist, Jim and ultrasound tech came walking back in to my room where I was waiting, my stomach flopped over a couple times. All I could do was look at Jim and then state, "Uh, oh, you've brought in the troops." It was such a bottomless feeling for me. I knew they were serious. Even as I sit here and write, I'm shaking again the way I did. It's still so raw. I have to get used to talking aboout this still because it's my reality now.
The radiologist, Dr. Mansfield, was so good with me. Not doom and gloom like one would think; but he was very concerned about my lumps. We had a very open and honest discussion, which is the way I like to roll anyway..........I prefer honesty and direct conversation rather than sugar coating. The one thing he didn't understand (nor do I, if you want to know the truth) is WHY I had never had a biopsy EVER administered.
All I could say was: I DON'T KNOW. I almost felt a little embarrassed. But then I was rubberband right back to the present conversation. He then stated to me he would like to perform a biopsy then and there if I were up to it. Without even thinking I said, "YES!!!" As scary as this was, it MUST and NEEDED to be done. So they contacted my doctor, Teresa Stigen, just in case there would be an issue regarding taking the biopsy because she had already recommended a surgeon for me. But I let him know that I wanted it done NOW. So needless to say, the call was made, everyone was on the same page and I was getting a biopsy before I knew it.
Once again, I was waiting in a waiting area reeling from what was happening. I didn't cry, but I was swirling with my own thoughts. Women were coming and going from their basic mammograms, going about their own business while I sat there and waited for my biopsy to be performed. Finally, they came and got me and I was placed on an exam chair and laid back. I was cold but probably more anxious than anything. I asked for a blanket or sheet. They gave me one and tried to make me feel comfortable as best they could under the circumstances. I had no idea what to expect. I had the needle biopsy performed. It's a rather large one. Dr. Mansfield was so gentle -- as much as he could be. As he extracted the tissues he needed, which were a few, he would then replace in the area with a titanium marker. If some of you have no idea what the heck that is, I have now come to find out it's tiny as a sliver from your fingernail. These will stay in my breast and armpit forever or until they remove anything. Just like their name implies they mark the areas where they took tissue from which will show others who have to examine my breasts as to the exact location the biopsies came from. I would be fibbing if I didn't say it wasn't the most comfortable of procedures in a couple of the areas of my breast. Dr. M apologized in a couple areas because it felt like it was coming out of my nipple area. It smarted a bit. On the second one that didn't feel so good, I let him know I hope he has nightmares about doing this to me. LOL. He laughed a bit but he was in the middle of getting some tissue.
Yes, I still have to crack a very stupid joke right in the middle of his procedure.
When it came time for my armpit biopsy he gave me a very small amount of Lidocaine which caused my heart to immediately react by palpating extremely fast. The tech who took my ultrasound was there assisting the doc and could feel my heart through my chest beating really to fast. It was one of those OH, SHIT moments. But I let him know I have a strong heart. He asked me if I had any history of heart problems, etc. Thank goodness it was a local application and not put into my bloodstream. But it all worked out. My total time in this office was 2.5 hours! A very long mammogram. Glad it's over for now.
Ok. I have to say, the waiting for the results are the worst. I'm sure some of you have had your own things you've had to wait for. I never have been in this position before, so it was maddening. I kept myself so busy, but then there were those quiet moments and I got very "heady" about what it could be. I had to keep the faith that all was fine, but I think in my heart I knew something was wrong. How could I not, right?
The weekend came and passed, Monday and finally Tuesday came, but I didn't hear anything back from my Doctor. The results were to be given to me by Dr. T. Stigen, my gyno. That was awful, but I didn't want to call either, because I'm a big chicken at this point. Plus I believe that when it's time to know, you are told. But, yes, I'm a chicken -- bluck, bluck.
On Wednesday, March 16, 2011, I came home from volunteering at Animal Friends of the Valley animal rescue. I work there 2 days a week and love it. Been doing this now for over a month. Wonderful place. I need it more than it needs me. A wonderful group of people and the poor animals are so amazing.
So I came home and went to the phone immediately because there was No Message on my voice messaging.
Jim was working and on his way home. I was alone. So I made the call to my docs office. I asked if they had received my results. I waited which seemed a lifetime. I was sitting in my office at the desk trying not to think too far ahead. They came back on the phone and stated the doc was reviewing them now, would I like to wait? I said NO. Have her call me when she can. So with that, 45 minutes later, I received the call.
She was very empathetic but didn't want me to wait any longer and told me the following:
Lynn, the test results have come back positive for Cancer in your breast and in the lump in your armpit. It has spread lymphatically. You have Infiltrating ductal carcenoma........................
Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok. BREATHE...........Ok. Ok, Ok. BREATHE
I think I asked a couple of questions. She then stated that she wanted me to contact Dr. Karl Keenan's office but she wanted to make sure she had my permission to get the report and all the films over to him. I think I remember stating, "Of course. Yes." Dr. Stigen was very reassuring but she did say she was not the expert and I would need and must contact the surgeon so I could get into see him for all my questions. She gave me the number, she was very sorry for this news, but make sure to contact him as soon as I could so I could begin to get all my answers and be able to get the support I would need.
Within literally 3 minutes of receiving my answer, Jim walked in. I met him at the front door. He was fixed on my eyes. He asked if I had heard anything and I stated yes. I tried to hold it together long enough to be coherent because what good would it do me or him if I was a pile of mush at that very moment? As soon as I told him what I knew, he scooped me up into his arms and held me.........We both cried.......
I am again right now writing this. But this is why I want to write, so I can get through this without crying one day.
We had to pull ourselves together so we could contact Amy in Brussels. We had to contact Ashley! My Gosh, I was in a state of shock and went into strategic mode. I had to remind myself several times to breathe. To slow down in my thoughts, to keep from running a-muck in emotions. I never wish this for anyone. Needless to say, Ash was on her way over. We got through to Amy and was only able to tell her what I was told. Thank God for SKYPE.COM. We can see her and almost be there. Better than the old days of the slow snail mail process.
By the time Ashley arrived she had already been communicating with those she knew I would want her to communicate with. Then I kept on remembering more and more and more. The list is still going on. My girlfriend, Dori, got over to the house. Patrick arrived, I felt like the calvary was heading in. It was so amazing the outpouring of LOVE!
One thing has rang true: At least I now know. No more guessing as to what this is. Now, we can begin Work! And boy, I have a lot of work ahead.
Poor Jim attempted some dinner -- BBQ. He burned the poor bird. No biggy considering what was happening. Through all the chaos of notifying family and friends, I was maintaining. Oh, what a deceitful thing SHOCK is. They let me talk about whatever I wanted. Honestly, I'm sure I must have been a blithering idiot, but I was saying something. It's amazing what your brain does to protect you. Quite an amazing organ! Very cool.
I'm not on the computer constantly as one would think because of my cancer. I'm able to be on it periodically currently. I think it's my way of dealing with this a little bit at a time because suddenly I have been thrusted into a subject area I don't want to necessarily be a part of. That sounds like somewhat of a cop-out, but it's how I feel. The first 5 days have been so raw. Raw with emotion big time. Raw with trying to believe this is really happening to me. RAW with beginning to feel a little angry. Just RAW like an open wound.
I have to say that with each day I'm able to deal better. I talk all the time with Ash and Jim and Amy. I'm not afraid now to ask for prayer, love, positive energy or a hug. Anyone who knows me KNOWS I'm big on hugs. Still am. Always will be.
Sleeping. Well, I'm having a bit of trouble in that area. My anxiety is there primarily when I'm tired. A viscious cycle. I have NO rational thought when I'm tired. It's awful to know this, but it's the truth. The rationale goes out the window. Crazy. But once again, I know it's because life has changed forever. Nothing feels comfortable but I am incredibly determined to find it again. And I will!!!!!!
I am doing good things for myself. Ashley and Jim are making sure I do that. I want to maintain a sense of normalcy. It's so important. I have to maintain my good health so I can fight the biggest fight of my life. I am trying to eat but because I've been so anxious and upset I am losing weight. yeah, but not. I have lost 10 lbs in a very short amount of time. I've been wanting to lose weight for a long time now, but not this way.
Ok. Getting back to what I know.
I was referred to the general surgeon. Dr. Joel Meyers. Very young, modern medicine and literally on the cutting edge -- I know, I know, no pun intended. I'm noticing that these doctors are all about body, mind and spirit. Loving that philosophy. He asked a lot of questions about how I'm dealing with this spiritually. If I have a good support network -- which he saw and now knows about. Preliminarily, he has stated I'm stage 2 -3 at this point but most likely Stage 3.
And all need to understand this about me: If I am Stage 4, I still plan to fight with all my being and of who I am. I am not lying down for this intruder in my body. No way. It is not welcomed and I am literally fighting mad! I am pissed it's in my body. But more importantly, have I passed this onto Amy and Ashley? Dear God it just can't be! It just can't be.
So I took a genetic test through the Myriad Gentic Laboratories. It's a saliva test. It will tell us if I have the inherited gene mutation that carries cancer for breast or ovaries. I feel I need to give this gift to the girls so they can find out one way or another. if I do carry this gene, at least the girls will know exactly what to do.
We will hear something by next week. Pretty cool.
My general surgeon forwarded me to an oncologist, by the name of Dr. Bruce Hayton. We met with him yesterday, March 21, up in Sun City (about 11 miles from Murrieta). He used to work for Loma Linda Univ. Hospital. This man is simply amazing. Once again, body, mind and spirit approach. We were with him for over an hour and a half. He wanted not only to hear the medical part of me, but he really wanted to get to know me and my family; our dynamics, our lives. Perhaps, there is a pattern happening here, hmm? Love it.
After his exam of me-- which by the way, I'm getting really used to taking my shirt off for all these docs now! No modesty needed any longer! LOL!
I will now have to go for what is called a PET Scan. This will happen within the next 7 - 10 days. At which time I will also have to meet with my surgeon and have a "port" placed in just below my collar bone because I will begin Chemo. I have to also have a EKG to make sure my heart muscle is nice and strong (which I already know it is) because there is a certain type chemo that I may have to take -- that weakens the muscle surrounding the heart. This only happens in 1 -2% of patients. I would like to think I won't have this issue.
I will be taking chemo to reduce the tumors. This reduction is ultimately for my masectomy I will have.
Most likely though, I will have a bi-lateral masectomy. It's more cosmetic than anything for the second one, but also it's preventative. I don't want to have another bout with breast cancer 10 years from now. I am opting for reconstructive surgery.
Looking at it from a rather humorous point of view: at least with reconstruction, I will get the exact size of Tah-Tahs and have them placed where they SHOULD be! So once again, I will have perky boobs!
So that's it for now. I'm pretty drained again. Recounting this does push me over a bit so I'm going to chill for now. Going to get out of the house and go do some retail therapy and go wash a couple dogs of Ash's.
Tonight I plan to have a beautiful meal with my true love, Jim and then eventually nestle in for the night.
My home is my sanctuary thank goodness. But more importantly, your words and love are the power in me. I am changing daily, but that's a good thing. I am filled with a lot of positive thoughts for the most part; however, I promise not to drag myself down with a bitch-fest on this blog.
I am thinking about putting more pics on as I "morph" a bit. I want to keep it real and maybe learn where I need to take this next adventure.
I have always considered myself a person that is a "Cup half full." And I plan to stay that way. But literally, now, my other "cup" will be half full! Let's laugh a lot more! And if not laugh, smile till your cheeks ache!
And Dance, dance, dance. I did that in Italy walking down the road by myself. The locals thought I was that crazy American mother-in-law of Loreto Di Cesare! Poor guy. But I wouldn't change a thing!
Till the next time! Ciao, Ciao! And keep the positive energy and prayers coming!
Love you all!
Lynn S. Johnson
For those who are wondering how did this all happen I'll do my best to explain.
After coming home from Italy from the summer and I began to settle into life here in Southern California, one night in November I was doing my regular "grazing" around my breasts (self-exam) which I always do out of habit -- this is nothing new for me because I've had very cystic breasts since I was a teenager. My left breast, in particular, has been the one that has the most mass. All my docs up in Humboldt County knew about my tissue being very "dense" as they have always told me. Through the years it's been "status quo" regarding my lumpiness. Ok, so the questions I already know that are coming up in your minds, possibly, is WHY wasn't there further testing or biopsies. Good question. Gotta remember this is through the 80's - 90's era -- I'm a healthy female, child-bearing years, etc. No one was alarmed.
Now, it's not to say I didn't think about the fact: What if something was growing in among the mass? And, of course, being the type of person I am, I figured I was doing my fair shair feeling and watching and being healthy and knowing there is NO cancer in my family -- well, how could there be anything growing in there? Not my Tah-Tahs! I'm too busy for such nonsence and didn't give it any more thought. Every year, faithfully, I go for my "pickle-tickle" with they gyno (get used to my lingo! Gotta have a sense of humor dealing with me :)) at the time I would be examined for lumps in my breasts. My docs and I knew about the same lumps, they dismissed them -- no big deal.
Then when I hit the age for mammograms -- did my part every year, faithfully. About 4 years ago during a mammogram at Mad River Hospital, a technician left my film up on the viewing screen and I saw what I believed to be a "beacon of light". Albeit, it was tiny -- itty-bitty, I still asked her what was that on my breast? She dismissed it and stated to me that they have been watching this little spot for a couple years. It hasn't grown so we are not going to be doing anything with it. It's probably a little cyst. Not to worry.
With that, I thought to myself, "Hmm, Okay, they are supposedley knowing what they are doing, I won't then. Great.." That was the only time I ever heard anything.
So life is happening. I'm working diligently, doing life just like everyone else. Just like we all do, I'm starting to move in a different direction in life and Jim (my hubby) and I decided to think it would be a great time now to think about retiring and move to So. Cal t o be closer to Ashley. The long and short of it is, I RETIRE from HSU, which by the way, was the BEST thing I have EVER, EVER done so far in my life. I love the people I've worked with! That's a given, but I do not miss the campus or it's inner workings. It was time to move on to the next chapters. So I did. The transition has been relatively easy.
Jim and I bought the house, got the greatest of neighbors (love them more than they even know.... Hug/kiss you all), Amy, our youngest daughter married Loreto down here in May and then I left soon thereafter for Rome, Italy and lived back and forth between Abruzzo region and Rome from May to end of August.
What a journey. Many of you know as I shared on Facebook this was the time of my life.
I knew I was going to be on a journey of sorts and finding out what next to do. During my stay there--especially living in Civita D'Antino-- in actuality, little did I know I was in the process of preparing for what I now know to be true -- I have cancer. But at the time I knew I was resting and healing my spirit of sorts and walking in those glorious mountain roads enjoying the landscape and drinking it all in. I would be listening to amazing sounds of the Roveto Valley below Civita, all the swallows swooping and dancing in the sky above me -- it still sends me back with the most overwhelming sense of love, happiness and peace. Then, of course, the food, drink, language was beyond my best of the best expectations. Getting the picture? All that being said near the end of my time in Italy I really was missing Jim and wanting to come home but knew this was still the dream trip of a lifetime and I needed to be present for all that it was giving me.
But I couldn't wait to come home and be with my hubby. This was the first time in my adult life with Jim that WE were separated this long as a married couple. I can honestly say that I will never, ever again be separated from him that long. It's ok for me to be gone for a month. I'm good with that, but never 3 months again. Poor guy! LOL
Back to November 2010. I examined myself and found a lump in my left armpit. To understand how my brain works you just have to understand I'm always rationalizing why my body does what it does. So with that, I thought that I had this lump because I was having so many allergy issues -- I had 3 sinus infections in a 2-month period of time. My glands are known to swell. So that's what I chalked it up to. I had Jim feel this lump as well. He didn't know what to think really. We both thought ok, whatever. How WRONG I was.
I eventually made an appointment with my now new gynochologist named: Teresa Stigen, she is located in Fallbrook, California. She is an awesome practioner and very thorough. I went to see her and within moments of the breast exam her facial expression changed. She had heard my history from me about my tissue and being dense, etc. She stated as she was examining me that this was a large mass and that she was going to order a digital mammogram with ultrasound. She sat with me and also discussed meeting a general surgeon to further discuss the possibilities after the mammo to deal with this lump. But we would have to wait and see what the results would be. FREAKIN GULP! Oh, yeah, my blood pressure went through the roof. She also wanted me to get a complete physical as well (due to my blood pressure issue... 167/100) I've never had that high a bp before. But I got scared. Oh, yes, very scared.
Hang in there with me, I'm getting closer to current stuff. Just a little longer.
I made an appointment with a great D.O. named Hue Wen Annie Dai. She goes by Annie. She is amazing. I feel so lucky so far as to the great medical care I'm receiving. Annie is in her mid 30's. Very candid, loving, kind, LISTENS, and is a true professional. I also like the way she was with Jim. Oh, yes, Jim has been there with me all the way! He's my ROCK Star! Anyway.......
Dr. Annie was great about the support of Dr. Teresa Stigen sending me for the mammo, ultrasound and ultimately to the general surgeon. All my blood work came back great. She also had me take an X-ray of my chest because of my coughing. I cough a lot due to my allergies. No asthma, just cough. That X-ray came back clear as well. All good so far.
Friday, March 11, 2011 is always going to live with me now because that is the day I went in for my mammogram, my ultrasound and, finally, my biopsy. The facility this all happened at was located in Murrieta, California where I now reside. Great office. Very modern with up-to-date medical equipement. I was greeted with big smiles and then ushered to the back where I would have all these procedures done.
When the radiologist, Jim and ultrasound tech came walking back in to my room where I was waiting, my stomach flopped over a couple times. All I could do was look at Jim and then state, "Uh, oh, you've brought in the troops." It was such a bottomless feeling for me. I knew they were serious. Even as I sit here and write, I'm shaking again the way I did. It's still so raw. I have to get used to talking aboout this still because it's my reality now.
The radiologist, Dr. Mansfield, was so good with me. Not doom and gloom like one would think; but he was very concerned about my lumps. We had a very open and honest discussion, which is the way I like to roll anyway..........I prefer honesty and direct conversation rather than sugar coating. The one thing he didn't understand (nor do I, if you want to know the truth) is WHY I had never had a biopsy EVER administered.
All I could say was: I DON'T KNOW. I almost felt a little embarrassed. But then I was rubberband right back to the present conversation. He then stated to me he would like to perform a biopsy then and there if I were up to it. Without even thinking I said, "YES!!!" As scary as this was, it MUST and NEEDED to be done. So they contacted my doctor, Teresa Stigen, just in case there would be an issue regarding taking the biopsy because she had already recommended a surgeon for me. But I let him know that I wanted it done NOW. So needless to say, the call was made, everyone was on the same page and I was getting a biopsy before I knew it.
Once again, I was waiting in a waiting area reeling from what was happening. I didn't cry, but I was swirling with my own thoughts. Women were coming and going from their basic mammograms, going about their own business while I sat there and waited for my biopsy to be performed. Finally, they came and got me and I was placed on an exam chair and laid back. I was cold but probably more anxious than anything. I asked for a blanket or sheet. They gave me one and tried to make me feel comfortable as best they could under the circumstances. I had no idea what to expect. I had the needle biopsy performed. It's a rather large one. Dr. Mansfield was so gentle -- as much as he could be. As he extracted the tissues he needed, which were a few, he would then replace in the area with a titanium marker. If some of you have no idea what the heck that is, I have now come to find out it's tiny as a sliver from your fingernail. These will stay in my breast and armpit forever or until they remove anything. Just like their name implies they mark the areas where they took tissue from which will show others who have to examine my breasts as to the exact location the biopsies came from. I would be fibbing if I didn't say it wasn't the most comfortable of procedures in a couple of the areas of my breast. Dr. M apologized in a couple areas because it felt like it was coming out of my nipple area. It smarted a bit. On the second one that didn't feel so good, I let him know I hope he has nightmares about doing this to me. LOL. He laughed a bit but he was in the middle of getting some tissue.
Yes, I still have to crack a very stupid joke right in the middle of his procedure.
When it came time for my armpit biopsy he gave me a very small amount of Lidocaine which caused my heart to immediately react by palpating extremely fast. The tech who took my ultrasound was there assisting the doc and could feel my heart through my chest beating really to fast. It was one of those OH, SHIT moments. But I let him know I have a strong heart. He asked me if I had any history of heart problems, etc. Thank goodness it was a local application and not put into my bloodstream. But it all worked out. My total time in this office was 2.5 hours! A very long mammogram. Glad it's over for now.
Ok. I have to say, the waiting for the results are the worst. I'm sure some of you have had your own things you've had to wait for. I never have been in this position before, so it was maddening. I kept myself so busy, but then there were those quiet moments and I got very "heady" about what it could be. I had to keep the faith that all was fine, but I think in my heart I knew something was wrong. How could I not, right?
The weekend came and passed, Monday and finally Tuesday came, but I didn't hear anything back from my Doctor. The results were to be given to me by Dr. T. Stigen, my gyno. That was awful, but I didn't want to call either, because I'm a big chicken at this point. Plus I believe that when it's time to know, you are told. But, yes, I'm a chicken -- bluck, bluck.
On Wednesday, March 16, 2011, I came home from volunteering at Animal Friends of the Valley animal rescue. I work there 2 days a week and love it. Been doing this now for over a month. Wonderful place. I need it more than it needs me. A wonderful group of people and the poor animals are so amazing.
So I came home and went to the phone immediately because there was No Message on my voice messaging.
Jim was working and on his way home. I was alone. So I made the call to my docs office. I asked if they had received my results. I waited which seemed a lifetime. I was sitting in my office at the desk trying not to think too far ahead. They came back on the phone and stated the doc was reviewing them now, would I like to wait? I said NO. Have her call me when she can. So with that, 45 minutes later, I received the call.
She was very empathetic but didn't want me to wait any longer and told me the following:
Lynn, the test results have come back positive for Cancer in your breast and in the lump in your armpit. It has spread lymphatically. You have Infiltrating ductal carcenoma........................
Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok. BREATHE...........Ok. Ok, Ok. BREATHE
I think I asked a couple of questions. She then stated that she wanted me to contact Dr. Karl Keenan's office but she wanted to make sure she had my permission to get the report and all the films over to him. I think I remember stating, "Of course. Yes." Dr. Stigen was very reassuring but she did say she was not the expert and I would need and must contact the surgeon so I could get into see him for all my questions. She gave me the number, she was very sorry for this news, but make sure to contact him as soon as I could so I could begin to get all my answers and be able to get the support I would need.
Within literally 3 minutes of receiving my answer, Jim walked in. I met him at the front door. He was fixed on my eyes. He asked if I had heard anything and I stated yes. I tried to hold it together long enough to be coherent because what good would it do me or him if I was a pile of mush at that very moment? As soon as I told him what I knew, he scooped me up into his arms and held me.........We both cried.......
I am again right now writing this. But this is why I want to write, so I can get through this without crying one day.
We had to pull ourselves together so we could contact Amy in Brussels. We had to contact Ashley! My Gosh, I was in a state of shock and went into strategic mode. I had to remind myself several times to breathe. To slow down in my thoughts, to keep from running a-muck in emotions. I never wish this for anyone. Needless to say, Ash was on her way over. We got through to Amy and was only able to tell her what I was told. Thank God for SKYPE.COM. We can see her and almost be there. Better than the old days of the slow snail mail process.
By the time Ashley arrived she had already been communicating with those she knew I would want her to communicate with. Then I kept on remembering more and more and more. The list is still going on. My girlfriend, Dori, got over to the house. Patrick arrived, I felt like the calvary was heading in. It was so amazing the outpouring of LOVE!
One thing has rang true: At least I now know. No more guessing as to what this is. Now, we can begin Work! And boy, I have a lot of work ahead.
Poor Jim attempted some dinner -- BBQ. He burned the poor bird. No biggy considering what was happening. Through all the chaos of notifying family and friends, I was maintaining. Oh, what a deceitful thing SHOCK is. They let me talk about whatever I wanted. Honestly, I'm sure I must have been a blithering idiot, but I was saying something. It's amazing what your brain does to protect you. Quite an amazing organ! Very cool.
I'm not on the computer constantly as one would think because of my cancer. I'm able to be on it periodically currently. I think it's my way of dealing with this a little bit at a time because suddenly I have been thrusted into a subject area I don't want to necessarily be a part of. That sounds like somewhat of a cop-out, but it's how I feel. The first 5 days have been so raw. Raw with emotion big time. Raw with trying to believe this is really happening to me. RAW with beginning to feel a little angry. Just RAW like an open wound.
I have to say that with each day I'm able to deal better. I talk all the time with Ash and Jim and Amy. I'm not afraid now to ask for prayer, love, positive energy or a hug. Anyone who knows me KNOWS I'm big on hugs. Still am. Always will be.
Sleeping. Well, I'm having a bit of trouble in that area. My anxiety is there primarily when I'm tired. A viscious cycle. I have NO rational thought when I'm tired. It's awful to know this, but it's the truth. The rationale goes out the window. Crazy. But once again, I know it's because life has changed forever. Nothing feels comfortable but I am incredibly determined to find it again. And I will!!!!!!
I am doing good things for myself. Ashley and Jim are making sure I do that. I want to maintain a sense of normalcy. It's so important. I have to maintain my good health so I can fight the biggest fight of my life. I am trying to eat but because I've been so anxious and upset I am losing weight. yeah, but not. I have lost 10 lbs in a very short amount of time. I've been wanting to lose weight for a long time now, but not this way.
Ok. Getting back to what I know.
I was referred to the general surgeon. Dr. Joel Meyers. Very young, modern medicine and literally on the cutting edge -- I know, I know, no pun intended. I'm noticing that these doctors are all about body, mind and spirit. Loving that philosophy. He asked a lot of questions about how I'm dealing with this spiritually. If I have a good support network -- which he saw and now knows about. Preliminarily, he has stated I'm stage 2 -3 at this point but most likely Stage 3.
And all need to understand this about me: If I am Stage 4, I still plan to fight with all my being and of who I am. I am not lying down for this intruder in my body. No way. It is not welcomed and I am literally fighting mad! I am pissed it's in my body. But more importantly, have I passed this onto Amy and Ashley? Dear God it just can't be! It just can't be.
So I took a genetic test through the Myriad Gentic Laboratories. It's a saliva test. It will tell us if I have the inherited gene mutation that carries cancer for breast or ovaries. I feel I need to give this gift to the girls so they can find out one way or another. if I do carry this gene, at least the girls will know exactly what to do.
We will hear something by next week. Pretty cool.
My general surgeon forwarded me to an oncologist, by the name of Dr. Bruce Hayton. We met with him yesterday, March 21, up in Sun City (about 11 miles from Murrieta). He used to work for Loma Linda Univ. Hospital. This man is simply amazing. Once again, body, mind and spirit approach. We were with him for over an hour and a half. He wanted not only to hear the medical part of me, but he really wanted to get to know me and my family; our dynamics, our lives. Perhaps, there is a pattern happening here, hmm? Love it.
After his exam of me-- which by the way, I'm getting really used to taking my shirt off for all these docs now! No modesty needed any longer! LOL!
I will now have to go for what is called a PET Scan. This will happen within the next 7 - 10 days. At which time I will also have to meet with my surgeon and have a "port" placed in just below my collar bone because I will begin Chemo. I have to also have a EKG to make sure my heart muscle is nice and strong (which I already know it is) because there is a certain type chemo that I may have to take -- that weakens the muscle surrounding the heart. This only happens in 1 -2% of patients. I would like to think I won't have this issue.
I will be taking chemo to reduce the tumors. This reduction is ultimately for my masectomy I will have.
Most likely though, I will have a bi-lateral masectomy. It's more cosmetic than anything for the second one, but also it's preventative. I don't want to have another bout with breast cancer 10 years from now. I am opting for reconstructive surgery.
Looking at it from a rather humorous point of view: at least with reconstruction, I will get the exact size of Tah-Tahs and have them placed where they SHOULD be! So once again, I will have perky boobs!
So that's it for now. I'm pretty drained again. Recounting this does push me over a bit so I'm going to chill for now. Going to get out of the house and go do some retail therapy and go wash a couple dogs of Ash's.
Tonight I plan to have a beautiful meal with my true love, Jim and then eventually nestle in for the night.
My home is my sanctuary thank goodness. But more importantly, your words and love are the power in me. I am changing daily, but that's a good thing. I am filled with a lot of positive thoughts for the most part; however, I promise not to drag myself down with a bitch-fest on this blog.
I am thinking about putting more pics on as I "morph" a bit. I want to keep it real and maybe learn where I need to take this next adventure.
I have always considered myself a person that is a "Cup half full." And I plan to stay that way. But literally, now, my other "cup" will be half full! Let's laugh a lot more! And if not laugh, smile till your cheeks ache!
And Dance, dance, dance. I did that in Italy walking down the road by myself. The locals thought I was that crazy American mother-in-law of Loreto Di Cesare! Poor guy. But I wouldn't change a thing!
Till the next time! Ciao, Ciao! And keep the positive energy and prayers coming!
Love you all!
Lynn S. Johnson
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