Hey there,
It's been exactly one week since Chemo #2. I have been wanting to write all my feelings -- and boy, howdy, there are a LOT of feelings coming out of me this week -- but honestly, I just haven't had it in me to do so till now. I'm just out of the bathtub (my oasis) and feel like I can sit here for a while, but if I can't I will cut this short and continue later.
Many are wondering (well, maybe wondering) how this 2nd chemo went since I have NO port. It was perfectly fine. Really good. The best part about this visit was I didn't have to have the Adrimyacin. Bless Dr. B and thank you Sara -- you know who you are.......
Since this now is my second time, I have a clearer picture or sneak preview as to how this chemo infiltrates my body. The first 3 days are pretty effortless. I can eat and relax just fine. I am very, very mindful as to my energy level. Now we are building on top of the first chemo. Not all the chemo leaves the body between treatments. My body happens to like it hanging around a bit. Sucks. But I'm not nauseated, etc.
The best way to explain my bodily functions is that my body feels very weighty -- sloggy -- like a sponge that has excess water in the process of seaping out of itself. So my legs feel heavy, my movement is slower, I walk with "plodding" rather than with the perky little gate I've always had. I also notice I walk with a "smoother" type gate so as not to jostle my body around. That's all I can figure out. It's not intentional, I think it's me trying to protect my body.
I cannot get over this weightiness. It's very overpowering. Then there's my brain -- ok, ok, I know, I know, that's already an iffy part of my body -- Talk to the hand and "whatever." LOL. But I now know what the heck Chemo Brain is. OMG, it's simply freakin frustrating. Once again, I feel foggy beyond words, I have no sense of concentration and it almost feels like I have blinders on around my eyes, because I'm very sensitive with regard to my perifery -- once again, the weightiness all over. The good news is I know the chemo is raging out-right war once again on my cancer.
I can feel it. I can feel this nuclear, gallactic war going on. I envision (for me -- my imagination really runs wild sometimes) that there are these little intergallactic spaceships that have been released into my body -- hang in there everyone -- and they are off doing their "heat-seeking mission" trying to conquer those clusters of cancer in my breast and anywhere else they may land. I visualize that it's like the star wars game or the space invaders game (from way back in the day) and they are firing off at any juncture they can to eliminate the cancer. Consequently, I have been feeling a lot of action going on in my breast. A lot of stuff. But it's paying off because my breast is doing it's shrinkage thing again!!! My boobie is in the process of deflating and it's feeling a lot looser in the area where the mass has been.
So there's the trade-off going on pretty much 24/7 these days. No escaping this. My ovaries -- both -- have been aching for the last 4 days. Really pisses me off and frustrates the heck out of me. I have been a complete and utter BEEE-OTCH to my family -- Poor Jim and I do mean POOR JIM. That poor man cannot win for anything. You may say, "just stop saying or doing what you are doing..." Easier said than done. I almost feel like my emotional stability has been hijacked by some invader -- it's the strangest thing. I have NEVER been moody and mean like this EVER. I mean EVER. This has been no less than horrifying.
I had the biggest cry session, of course, in the bath tub yesterday and Ashley walked in to witness this.
Of course, she was so wonderful and sweet and sensitive and held me while I cried endlessly. It seemed forever, but I could not stop and I kept on telling her, "I have NO idea why I am crying." But then I said the words, "I WANT MY LIFE BACK." No kidding? DUH? Well, I can wish all I want -- the fact of the matter is LIFE -- MY LIFE HAS CHANGED F O R E V E R!!!! Yes, it has. Then I got angry because of these freaking emotions completely out of control as they spooed out of me. The long and the short of it is, she helped me out of the tub, I got my self together somewhat, and she took me out to lunch. Once again, my protein/sugar levels were probably a little too low and I needed a change of atmosphere. But I battled the major fatigue. Oh, I don't wish this on anyone. It makes you feel like you are no good for the human race and that all you do is take up space. At least that's how I feel about it currently.
Get this, it was 96 degrees outside and I asked to go to a Vietnamese place I absolutely love so I could have their brothy soup. Oh, yeah, my body is way off currently. So we got there and our waiter was so sweet and so happy to see me -- he hasn't seen me in a couple months now. But he didn't treat me weird, which felt so nice. Got our food and I was humming away with glee. It hit the spot. It's so healing for me. The soup and white rice. DEE-LISH.
Ash did such a good job of talking about anything -- as long as I didn't have to talk about me. Frankly, I'm so sick of ME I can scream. Once again, I relish in conversation about anything else other than me. It's the same old thing right now: How ya doin? How ya feelin? Good day? Bad Day? Oh, yeah, I still have this cancer. That's the fact. Once good note as I have stated above, at least I feel the chemo is doing it's job.
Needless to say, I have a call into my Dr. B -- oncologist -- to discuss this obvious hormonal imbalance. But guess what? I cannot take hormones -- remember: fuel to the cancer? So I'm hoping there is something I can do holistically.
Oh, I haven't mentioned that for the last 3 days I've taken a walk with Woody. That helps briefly, but then I'm flat on my back again. But I must try to keep my body at a semi-regular routine. The docs want me to exercise, but I know I must listen better to my body. Yes, I've overdone it this week cuz my oldest friend is coming for a visit. She's going to take care of me a bit and hopefully, give Jim and Ash a well-deserved break. I've been wanting my house "just right." When they are away, I've been doing little jobs here and there in the house which under normal circumstances, we never have to think about -- we just do it? Well, I have to be careful - for every action there is a reaction? So true in my case. I keep on making mistakes and and I keep on learning from them; I'm just a stubborn person at times. Very willful. I want my independence. I'm learning, I'm learning -- slowly, I guess.
I have to share also that this week has also been filled with a lot of surprises coming through the mail or Fed Ex. I have received so many treasures this week from friends from all over the US and France! I have to admit, when they would arrive, I didn't open them immediately, because I have been so fatigued and not myself that I at least I had the presence of mind to stop, slow down and remember someone took the time to do this and send these treasures to me and I WILL honor this by being completely present for the opening of each and every one of these gifts. So that's what I did. I would wait a few hours or another day and when I was fresh and present I began to open all my different packages. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!!!!
Oh, yeah, I cried the ugly cry through all of these beautiful gifts. I kept on thinking: they all took time out of their busy schedules, they spent good hard-earned money, and then wrote me love notes...........
Here I go again............Oh, yeah, tears of joy. I shake my head and am deeply humbled beyond words. People say I'm amazing? No way! YOU all are amazing. Like I keep professing: I'm the luckiest person alive. And I still believe, even though I have cancer, and I wish I didn't, there are more POSITIVES that have and are still coming out of this disease. I believe this with my whole being. Blessings have been given to me; people show their love for me and my familly; relationships have been rekindled where I thought there was no hope for that ever; I have to be the richest person alive! I am humbled. And I'm very grateful.
Everyday, I wake up right now and hope my dear family and friends are all doing well in their lives. I pray a lot, meditate and think way too much, but there is going to be an end to this one day. I have to learn big time lessons and I know there is a reason for this journey -- and I will continue to find out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing about this. I am continuing to try to be strong and be smarter about my body and how I can give something back to someone. For now, all I can say once again: THANK YOU!
Please spread your wings and fly. Don't have the regrets that sometimes we do. Take that chance in your heart knowing you can do it.... whatever IT is. Don't let the dark thoughts win over. Instead of saying CAN'T, I suggest saying I'LL TRY. What's the worse thing that can happen? You get up and you start again. And you keep starting again till you're there.
That's what I'm trying. Thank you for loving me back. I am humbled.
Yes, my cup's half full!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!
