Not really sure how to begin this particular one -- blog, that is. I've purposefully have stayed away from this site. I've needed to. I realize I have been pretty much an open book, which is so unusual for me to be. I'm very private. Yes, I'm social -- at least I used to be especially during my work days -- but my private time was just that -- PRIVATE. So here I am, now with breast cancer -- which by the way, I'm not wanting to be DEFINED by this...........That has become very apparent to me. Perhaps I'm seeing myself for the first time in a very vulnerable light. Perhaps I don't like this light. But then again, I don't have a choice, now do I?
Either way, I have committed to this process because, frankly, it's very cathartic for me to put it down -- to write this -- to purge this SHHHHHTTTTTTUUUFFFF out of me. I feel that if I don't then the intruder wins to a degree. My scared emotions or feelings I have give IT a life of it's own and I don't want that to be. If it would help my situation, I would have a full on tantrum with the kicking, screaming, carrying on yelling and breaking of anything in my pathway -- but I know that's not going to help me -- it's really a lot of wasted energy -- energy I MUST bank on since my chemo is literally just around the corner. Oh, my GAWD, how I wish I could avoid this. Well, I guess I could if I want to DIE. That's not an option right now for me -- God willing. I know some people have chosen to do the holistic way and not to do chemo, which is good for them; but in my heart of hearts, mine is unavoidable. I know I have to walk this road as long and daunting as it seems to be for me. Oh yeah, and it's hilly, too! I think about it in terms when I was in Civita D'Antino, I had to walk up this walkway that didn't visually seem to be steep -- but once you got up to that walkway, oh, dear GAWD, it was steep -- I would look at the cobbled stone stairway and say to myself, "Ok, one at a time -- hope my lungs don't burst -- one at a time." I would finally arrive at the Porta Flora (doorway) and gasp for a big breath of air each and everytime. And I kid you not, it was every single time Iwalked that stairway. It did eventually get easier, but I still gasped for air each and everytime I would pass that Porta Flora. I would go up and down that area at least 3 times a day every day I was there. I would even laugh out loud once I got past the Porta Flora because I imagined myself gasping as I made the "trek". Like some right of passage several times in a day. So with that, I guess that's how I'm looking at this chemo challenge.
It's going to be hilly -- one step at a time -- I hope my lungs don't burst -- one step at a time!
Really, the last couple days have been pretty normal except for the fact I'm still healing from the port being placed into my chest area -- on the right side -- coming from my right underarm area. It's very clean. It just feels tight. They must have positioned my arm above my head because I'm pretty sore and stiff. But I'm healing up beautifully. My beautiful nurse neighbor across the street from my house has made it abundantly clear that she can be there for me to take vitals and fix me up as needed. She's such an angel from heaven. What a doll. I feel so lucky to be here. I thank my God everyday for this.
It's very strange to me how one moment I'm seemingly very normal -- great energy, happy-go-lucky, playing around with the dogs, doing my thing in the house, bill paying, grocery shopping, knitting, you know, the regular stuff of life -- and then get a simple phone call as a reminder that I have this appointment tomorrow with my oncologist and he wants me to start Chemo. Wow, rubberband effect happening. Makes my head swim. But I can't start chemo cuz I have to go to a followup appointment with my surgeon then meet another oncologist to make sure my plan of attack is the right one for me. Which by the way, we should all make sure and double sure this is the correct plan so as there are NO doubts. Either way, I'm in great hands. I know this to be true. There isn't a waiver of doubt at all. I feel so lucky to have the team I have supporting me. It's simply humbling. I keep on reflecting on all the people I've met through this whole nightmare. But the people themselves are not the nightmare. They are amazing gifts~ they are my gifts. How can this be? There are reasons beyond my own reasoning and I am understanding it better and better each day.
So tonight, my dear hubby and I had yet another beautifully clean, DEE-LISH meal. He cleaned up and I ushered myself into the tub. My tub has become my refuge! I love that thing. I got in the habit of "tub time" years ago after a minor car accident -- back in 1986. The tub relaxed my muscles. So with that, I have continued onward ever since. Anyway, I had my time alone, and without provocation or warning I found myself in the throws of tears. Not tears of "poor me" but rather I don't get this disease. How did I end up here? What lesson am I supposed to learn? I guess this chemo is really going to happen..........OH, yes, it's very real. It's gunna happen all right. That's the thing about all this change -- there is no hiding. I can't climb to the top of a mountain trying to run away from it; I can't crawl underneath a rock to hide; I can't hide in bed with my covers over my head; I can't run from this. Oh, how I wish I could. I really wish, but it would only make things worse. I do want to erradicate this cancer growing inside me. I don't want it to spread; I want to get my life back. I am now realizing even more that my life truly has changed forever. But I believe in my heart, I will come back better and stronger. Life never ceases to amaze me. All the winding corners of the road. Step at a time. I thought I could do day at a time. Nope, it's step at a time for now. I can live with that. It's a good thing. Tomorrow will be another adventure. So we'll see what happens. It's supposed to be still nice weather so I hope to capitalize on that one. Will take the dogs for a run in the field and then I plan on doing whatever.........I'll know once I decide. I am very, very lucky. I am so very blessed to have my life. I guess my cup's still half full! Ciao, Ciao
