I'm celebrating this day due to the fact I would usually have to have my chemo treatment on a Thursday morning -- every three (3) weeks. But NOT TODAY!!! Or ever again, I hope!(It's been exactly three weeks since my very last chemo!!!) For some of you Half Empties out there, you might be saying, "Never say Never." I get that..............but, I am embracing my freedom from chemo anyway I can! And the more I project that positive affirmation, the higher chances I know that I won't have to return!
I'm not so sure how well I have articulated all the side effects I've had. I've gotten so used to telling myself, "Oh, well, this too shall pass." Or, "Ok, I can get over this hurdle. Cancer you suck so big!" OR, "Dear God in Heaven, please let me get through this... Just let me get through this..."
But I'm not so sure it helps anyone to complain. I don't mean to complain, but it happens to all, I guess. How can you not get through something like this or any other illness or challenge in one's life without being human and vulnerable? I hope to think I am a better person because of all of this. I believe I am. I certainly don't worry about the little things I used to. I do have a lot more confidence in myself than I used to. Life has such a different flavor to it now. I have my world currently that I'm inside of that many if not most of my loved ones around me or friends don't begin to really understand. I can't expect them to. I have no expectation of that. I try to explain but it's difficult for people to understand "YOUR" perspective of how you see the world around you. (not sure if that made any sense, but it's the honest to God truth from me.)
So I take moment by moment as needed. I take day at a time as needed. But the best thing now is NO CHEMO!
I am getting stronger everyday. My nails are awful looking because they have been greatly affected by the chemo. My toes are great (yay!). And I have my tastebuds back! Foods or drinks can taste a little weird at times -- depending on the foods and/or drinks, but for the most part I taste things very well. I have been so lucky not experiencing any kind of nausea! Never did. My hair is non-existent! I'm bald as a que-ball! I really don't mind oddly enough. I continue to wear my scarves, hats and bandanas. I don't cover up at home ever. I'm out in the yard protected, of course, but I walk outside bald and beautiful! And I ALWAYS sport my earrings! I also don't have many eyelashes or eyebrows. I have one eyelash on my lower lid of my left eye! So sad. It's an amazing thing why we have eyebrows and eyelashes. Treasure that fact! They protect us from so many particulates in the air not to mention the sun! My eyes are forever watering. It looks like I'm always crying these days, which I am not. If nothing else I'm laughing and smiling so much more. But another side effect is my "dry eye" issue which ironically produces my tearing action. I always have my little Kleenex's with me at all times. I especially look forward to the day when I can see my eyelashes growing back. That will eliminate so many issues for me. Onward as they say................
I saw my plastic surgeon the other day and he was pleasantly surprised at how well I looked. He was very animated about that fact. He stated most people come into the office with their heads hanging lower than normal due to the effects of the final chemo. I guess I'm the lucky one because I'm feeling so much better. I'm trying to grab as much of that feeling as possible. All I want is NORMAL -- whatever that means anymore. I want to have a normal conversation that doesn't center around me and my cancer. I want to be looked at as a normal human being that has regular feelings, perspectives, ideas, opinions just like EVERYONE else does. I don't get shunned, but I do get treated differently when I'm out in public. People can't help it. I understand that now. But I have a tendency to be bright and smiley (because that's how I'm feeling). I really love being out of the house and among the LIVING! So I guess that projects itself. I can't help it. It's also an opportunity for me to change the face of Cancer somewhat, I guess. It's a day by day process, and it's working. I've always believed that when you smile at a person, somehow that can make a difference in a person's life even if it is as small as a smile. It's warm, simple, inviting and kind. I like that very much. I know how I feel when someone smiles at me. It makes me feel warm in my heart. It does make me feel relevent as well. Not sure why, but a smile has always done that for me.
I have begun to wake up from my funk of chemo so much that I think my family wishes I were a little less aware of my surroundings. I have a lot of questions now about why certain things are not done around the house or yard or garage or whatever. So I must work on my over-zealous approach about issues. Trying to make up for loss time doesn't help me or my family -- I'm working on that.
I have begun little projects to keep me busy while I wait for my surgery. I'm doing some sewing projects and, of course, my knitting and crocheting are my passions! Gotta have a taste of yarn everyday no matter what is in the way. I cannot imagine not having my zen of knitting or crocheting in my life. Kind of like not being able to have my dogs in my life or my family in my life. I have to have my knitting/crocheting time. Love it!
Next week I meet another time with the plastic surgeon for paperwork; the following week I have pre-op blood work at Scripp's Medical Center and an EKG test -- gotta make sure my heart is in fighting form! I will also have my breast MRI a few days later. This will show my surgeons (2 of them) how the tumors have shrunk and how contained they are and, of course, how much tissue they will ultimately have to remove.
I have been a good little camper regarding my walking and doing my ab workout. I still retain a lot of water due to chemo so my oncologist has put me back on the diuretic to relieve this water retention. My body is such a sensitive body! Drives me nuts at times. I'm not normal --- I've always known that one! LOL!
Then my youngest daughter will arrive later this month before my surgery. I cannot wait for her arrival! This will complete my circle! We also have a wonderful lady arriving from France to be with me to work with me and my circulation. She is a Physical Therapist that has an amazing new technique. I will heal quicker after my surgery and also help my overall circulation for my major organs. She is an amazing woman and has helped many, many people in Europe. I'm very lucky to have her here with us for about 10 days.
Monday, August 29 @ 7:15 am my surgery begins. It may be 5 - 6 hours. I am asking for prayers for me and my family as well as my team of doctors and nurses. They and their staff especially need prayers so they will be on top of their game this day. Pray for no hidden surprises. I feel in my heart of hearts this cancer is contained. I still cannot feel my tumor in my armpit. They cannot find it as well, but the nodes must be removed as well as the tumors from my breast. I am ready for the biggest challenge of my life. I think I've been through the worst part and that is the chemo, but to remove body parts is not taken lightly either. All I want is to get this out of my body. It's not as easy as some talk about to me -- this is a major surgery, but it must be done and I will then be able to truly begin the healing process. After surgery, I have another hurdle and that is radiation. Not sure when that will take place exactly, but it may be as soon as 3-4 weeks after surgery depending on how well I'm healing. This is why I do ask for prayers. Once again, I can't do this alone and I realize this. The prayers and positive healing energy has been a big factor at how well I have been doing. It's not all about the medicine. It's about the faith, good positive attitudes, good energy and most of all LOVE.
Once again, my Cup's Half Full and continuing on this healing journey.
Ciao, Ciao!
