OK. This is going to be my very first RANT since beginning this journey. So for those of you who "don't like those words, or she shouldn't be so negative, or she's losing her perspective" I challenge you to stop reading now and go about your life or continue on at your own risk of possibly being insulted by my words on this particular day..... I'm going to be completely HONEST and very much up front with this day and the day before..........
I'm FREAKIN FRUSTRATED because I'm having difficulty stopping this "south-end" issue called Diarrhea!
Not a subject most of us want to discuss. We just "understand." Well, I'm talking about it tonight. It's not like I wasn't warned. It's not like I've been glib about this process; but what I don't understand, is why I cannot get ahead of this bastard. (I told you, do not judge me!) It seems to me that there are a couple things going on with my body currently such as fighting and destroying this cancer out of my body. And in order to do so, this chemo takes no prisoners -- good cells and bad cells. It's all the same to the chemo. Perhaps, I am really stupid to think that I could get ahead of this; that I could outwit this chemo. I think I've been doing that to a degree. Thank GAWD for the Imodium. I even spoke with representatives from the company yesterday about their product. They are sending me $2 discount coupons to keep my supply up during this treatment. Yippee Effing Skippy! But I really am grateful for the discount coupons..........Anywho..............
I've been very diligent at drinking my copious amounts of fluids, trying to get some sort of nutrition whenever possible and resting like a fiend. I also know I must walk and get some fresh air. But due to the fact I'm running on pretty much EMPTY, it's difficult to get motivated to "go for that walk." Ok. I am walking, just not far. Definitely not my rigorous steps as I normally do, but I'm still walking. I hate and resent this lying around. My GAWD it's mind-blowing to think of all the hours I try to keep my mind stimulated with either readings, watching movies, writing thank you notes, giving the dogs attention and love, reorganizing stuff -- whatever it takes.......... Ok, here it comes: I WANT MY LIFE BACK! Yup, I'm on this roller coaster on the downhill slide currently. My intellectual side knows: Life has changed forever and I must go through this process/journey in order to get to the other side of this disease............But the day-in-day-out reality is I am beginning to dig deaper into my psyche to try to get a grip on this sliding down the hill feeling.
I want and need to put nutrition into my body so I may fight this. I feel like I can't because everythin that passes my mouth currently turns into this gutteral fire in the hole effect!
Yes, I got out today with my daughter. I went to Old Town Temecula Farmer's Market and then to a special event that supports Michelle's Place here in Temecula -- It's like the Amazing Race -- called the REality Rally Temecula Valley. Many stars were here from the Amazing Race and Survivor, etc. And there I was -- Woman who has breast cancer, waundering around thanking people for participating in this event. It felt GREAT to be among the living even if it were for a short while. It really felt good. And I FELT good being out there. The sun was warm and you could feel the energy from all the participants. It was wonderful. I even got my wedding ring cleaned for FREE from La Masters Jewelers here in Temecula. Talk about a group of wonderful people and so supportive and jazzed about this event. I couldn't help be uplifted! Thanks again La Masters -- my ring of almost 28 years is sparkling so beautiful today!
BUT..........now I guess I'm paying the price. I was so excited tonight to have a little quiet dinner with my amazing hubby and then it HIT AGAIN..............It leaves me feeling so rung out. Then I had to take yet another dose of the Imodium -- dinner ended and I think Jello is in the forecast for later. Off I go again with the fluids. Poor Jim simply didn't know how to comfort me. He does such a great job of listening and letting me know "WE" are in this together. "WE" are going to conquer this thing. I, too, believe this, but please let me get some nutrition in my body. Yes, I'm going to figure this out but for now I feel like I'm floundering. It's so ridiculous! You know, I didn't even cry this time. I'm not proud of this fact but I'm quite the potty mouth in my home currently. And, Yes, I know there are other words to use -- WHATEVER! This makes me wonder : Am I going to see the end of this diarrhea? I'm assuming I will, but c'mon!
My doc (oncologist) has assured me I should be starting to feel better within this week. OH, please GOD, let this be true! Please let this be true. Of course, this is tonight and maybe tomorrow morning I will wake up thoroughly disgusted with myself for writing this and placing it out there for ALL to read. But for now, it's making me feel so much better by purging this crap out of me.(literally and figurtively) Oh, yeah, and meanwhile, I'm still dealing with this blood clot issue in my right arm. That's supposedly going to work itself out as well. Doesn't seem like it. All I know is I don't want to deal with constantly elevating my arm at all times! That is not living nor practical.
I know I stated I wasn't going to have a bitch fest, but I'm wrong. Later on I will go meditate so I can get that love feeling back inside me that I've had and right now it's not around! I guess one could say I'm like a litle hornet right now.
I'm very grateful none of you can see me in person right now. Once again, to look at me I look pretty normal. A little dark circles beginning to form, but overall, I look very normal. I have lost almost 20 lbs now. I'm actually looking better physically, but I still need this "buffer" zone.
After lunch today with my daughter, we went into the store called Coldwater Creek. Cool clothes. I'm beginning to think about the change of wardrobe especially for getting easily in and out of shirts. I don't want to have to raise my arms high above my head, etc. I want the shirts to be either button-down or zippered for easy access. Anyway, I got going looking in the store. I ended up in the back looking at racks of tops -- then it happened again without warning. I began to have a meltdown -- tears began to well up, I told Ashley,"Uh, Oh, I think I'm going to lose it." She just told me to go with it and feel whatever it is that I am feeling. She made me come over to an alcove where they had this really cool water feature -- she made me stare at it for a few seconds to collect myself and let the water flow evenly through my mind. It helped big time! My daughter is such a sharp cookie!
I got too heady and was thinking about being here in Temecula/Murrieta, Jim and I were supposed to be in Kuaii with some friends for 14 days and I was concerned if I were going to have yet another blow out. Lovely thoughts, eh? So stupid, but the truth. Honestly, I somehow was able just to let a couple tears well up and then think to myself, "There are worse things, Lynn" There are people out there that have it so much worse!
WTF am I doing to myself? It's true, there are sooooo many people that have it so much worse than I. I am trying to keep this in good perspective, but I also realize that I must allow my feelings to flow.
Hey, I am laughing from time to time. That's one good thing. I also watched the movie Hangover yesterday which put me into spasms of laughter! So that's a great thing.
Am I trying to say I don't want to be human like everyone else? That I have down days just like everyone else? I most definitely know my shortcomings....I've beaten myself up over the years enough. But I don't do that any longer. All I'm saying is let this diarrhea stop. I'm eating my bananas, white bread toast, white rice. I am craving protein big time. So if it seems to fit, I will scramble up an egg. I'm willing to do what it takes to get this back in order.
I sound like a big whiner tonight. I am. I'm pathetic, but it is what it is. I have to purge this out of my head and body cuz I know this isn't helping my situation.
Once again, I ask for prayer, good positivity, strength, and LOVE. Tomorrow will be another day and I will probably be better. Or at least I hope. Either way, I begin again and try what I need to in order to get through it -- whatever that is -- and with any amount of luck and hope, I won't be sending any more "fires in the hole." LOL!!!! Ok. I'm laughing again. There's hope.......
Thanks for reading; I'm not making any apologies to anyone. This is how I feel -- sucks, but it's how I feel.
And another thing, I really want to knit but it's a little difficult with my arm the way it is. But I still get my fix by doing a couple rows of the baby blanket I've been working on and/or the scarf that I'm creating as well. It makes me happy. Or I go on Ravelry.com and review works of art and then there's YouTube. I never look at risque things usually on that --I'm a nerd: I either like the knitting or the dog grooming videos. There are also very helpful resources for gardening. See, I'm a nerd and am proud of that fact.
Ok. Enough of the ranting and enough of the rambling. I need to concentrate on some fluids and getting something in my body.
Not sure how full my cups is right now, but at least I know there must be hope! It could be so much worse.
TTFN ~ Ciao, Ciao!
Kisses
