What a great Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for and it was shared by family and extended family and friends. The food was great and I was able to cook! Of course, I had help and took a couple naps during the day, but it didn't stop the momentum of enjoying our family and friends. So wonderful!
Considering how I have been feeling for a few weeks now since radiation started, I still am keeping the stiff upper lip! I may not have been completely honest about many of my feelings I've been experiencing. Sometimes when I go into my radiation room and the door has been closed, the machine starts up and all the reciprocating arms circle around me, somehow I begin to let out tears from my eyes. I think about what is truly happening to my body and what is about to be beamed into my cells, it brings me to tears -- not the ugly cry but the kind that are non-stop streaming down the sides of my cheeks and puddles into my ears. I can't move. I'm not supposed to move a millimeter during the process -- so there I lay with the tears. Not to mention, they have me taped to the table -- literally taped to keep my right breast from getting radiated. It's not a pleasant experience to go through. But I try to "leave" that space during my treatment -- I sing to the songs (they play my CD - Luther Vandross during my treatments); I visualize I have a bubble around my major organs for protection purposes, I think and go to my favorite mountain side in Civita D'Antino (Abruzzo region of Italy). I do what I have to in order not to completely freak out as I lay there. Most would probably think: "At least it's not chemo....." That's correct -- it's not chemo -- but it's still very serious treatment and no one knows, unless they have gone through it themselves, what really happens inside those rooms. No, it doesn't physically hurt; I'm not treated poorly ever -- I guess it's the culmination of all that I have been through. I feel pretty done all in all. I don't want anymore advice, I don't want to hear anymore about "my tumors"; I don't want to drive daily 86 miles; I don't want to be strong; I don't want to have small talk as I am being taped to the table; I don't want anyone touching me! With that being said, this doesn't mean I am resentful towards the amazing staff that deals with me daily. They are my angels. They are so supportive, uplifting, professional and all around nice. It's the fact I have to do this because of that F***ing Cancer.
I have been pretty pensive to say the least at my home as well. Sometimes I get into moods of absolute quiet to filling up with venum. My poor hubby is trying his best to keep me happy -- but he can't do it all. I have been viporous to him at times. Not fair to him. There is no reason except for the fact I have been worrying about other things in our lives. It's life -- we all have worries -- different levels, of course, but just the same, worries. Then, my daughters have been feeling the tension.....They keep asking me various questions trying to figure out what the heck is going on with me. Of course, I haven't been communicating to them. I have been trying to be quiet about my true feelings because it's my issue and not theirs. Isn't that a hoot? When a person develops cancer, it's the family's issue. Not just the patient's. It's all our issue. I know this, but haven't been walking the walk very well recently. For so long I have been very peaceful, loving and tranquil. But it changed about 3 weeks ago. It happened when I had a big argument with my hubby about personal issues. That's when I clamped down big time. I mean sealed up. And since then, I have been this festering pool of tension. Needless to say, it didn't work. It didn't work at all. Thank God my family is a loud, communicating family. We really like to go to the point of uncomfortableness.
They came to me last night and confronted me big time about what they have been observing for the past few weeks. Funny thing, I really didn't have a lot to argue about. At first I wasn't cooperating by being defensive. But once I completely was honest with them, the flood gates opened and there I was a raging river of tears. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe at one point. Oh, yeah, I haven't stated that my 88 year old mom is witnessing all this going on. She really was a rock through all this. She had a lot to offer all of us -- her wisdom. It was awesome! Thank you, Mom! You are my shining star!
Anyway, all that angst came out. All those worries came out loud; loud and clear to all. Saying the words out loud confirmed once again to me that you don't have to go through this all alone. I don't have to be perfect and in CONTROL at all times. As a matter of fact, it feels so good not to be in control. It feels so good to be completely and utterly vulnerable. I feel safe with these people. THEY LOVE ME. What a concept, eh? They are in it for the long haul. They are not going to trample all over my feelings. They have no intention of making me feel uncomfortable ever. They just want to love me and get to know me better through all this hell oh earth. This was so difficult for me even though I'm an open person, but going through all these emotions since being diagnosed has opened up a whole new way of thinking and feeling. Each day I learn something new about myself. Some days are better than others. And the last few weeks have been awful! Even though I have written all is good -- for the most part, going through the motions is good, but my inner feelings have been in turmoil. So I must apologize to all my readers as well as apologize to myself for not be truly AUTHENTIC. This is a difficult time in my life. It's been the biggest challenge I have ever had to deal with. I will continue to monitor and continue on this journey forward. There are going to be days that are simply crappy. But for the most part they have been so good to me. I continue to rely on my faith, love and friendships. They are what keep me in check. I thank you and continue to love.
With that, my Cup's still half full and am still a work in progress.
Ciao, Ciao!
Considering how I have been feeling for a few weeks now since radiation started, I still am keeping the stiff upper lip! I may not have been completely honest about many of my feelings I've been experiencing. Sometimes when I go into my radiation room and the door has been closed, the machine starts up and all the reciprocating arms circle around me, somehow I begin to let out tears from my eyes. I think about what is truly happening to my body and what is about to be beamed into my cells, it brings me to tears -- not the ugly cry but the kind that are non-stop streaming down the sides of my cheeks and puddles into my ears. I can't move. I'm not supposed to move a millimeter during the process -- so there I lay with the tears. Not to mention, they have me taped to the table -- literally taped to keep my right breast from getting radiated. It's not a pleasant experience to go through. But I try to "leave" that space during my treatment -- I sing to the songs (they play my CD - Luther Vandross during my treatments); I visualize I have a bubble around my major organs for protection purposes, I think and go to my favorite mountain side in Civita D'Antino (Abruzzo region of Italy). I do what I have to in order not to completely freak out as I lay there. Most would probably think: "At least it's not chemo....." That's correct -- it's not chemo -- but it's still very serious treatment and no one knows, unless they have gone through it themselves, what really happens inside those rooms. No, it doesn't physically hurt; I'm not treated poorly ever -- I guess it's the culmination of all that I have been through. I feel pretty done all in all. I don't want anymore advice, I don't want to hear anymore about "my tumors"; I don't want to drive daily 86 miles; I don't want to be strong; I don't want to have small talk as I am being taped to the table; I don't want anyone touching me! With that being said, this doesn't mean I am resentful towards the amazing staff that deals with me daily. They are my angels. They are so supportive, uplifting, professional and all around nice. It's the fact I have to do this because of that F***ing Cancer.
I have been pretty pensive to say the least at my home as well. Sometimes I get into moods of absolute quiet to filling up with venum. My poor hubby is trying his best to keep me happy -- but he can't do it all. I have been viporous to him at times. Not fair to him. There is no reason except for the fact I have been worrying about other things in our lives. It's life -- we all have worries -- different levels, of course, but just the same, worries. Then, my daughters have been feeling the tension.....They keep asking me various questions trying to figure out what the heck is going on with me. Of course, I haven't been communicating to them. I have been trying to be quiet about my true feelings because it's my issue and not theirs. Isn't that a hoot? When a person develops cancer, it's the family's issue. Not just the patient's. It's all our issue. I know this, but haven't been walking the walk very well recently. For so long I have been very peaceful, loving and tranquil. But it changed about 3 weeks ago. It happened when I had a big argument with my hubby about personal issues. That's when I clamped down big time. I mean sealed up. And since then, I have been this festering pool of tension. Needless to say, it didn't work. It didn't work at all. Thank God my family is a loud, communicating family. We really like to go to the point of uncomfortableness.
They came to me last night and confronted me big time about what they have been observing for the past few weeks. Funny thing, I really didn't have a lot to argue about. At first I wasn't cooperating by being defensive. But once I completely was honest with them, the flood gates opened and there I was a raging river of tears. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe at one point. Oh, yeah, I haven't stated that my 88 year old mom is witnessing all this going on. She really was a rock through all this. She had a lot to offer all of us -- her wisdom. It was awesome! Thank you, Mom! You are my shining star!
Anyway, all that angst came out. All those worries came out loud; loud and clear to all. Saying the words out loud confirmed once again to me that you don't have to go through this all alone. I don't have to be perfect and in CONTROL at all times. As a matter of fact, it feels so good not to be in control. It feels so good to be completely and utterly vulnerable. I feel safe with these people. THEY LOVE ME. What a concept, eh? They are in it for the long haul. They are not going to trample all over my feelings. They have no intention of making me feel uncomfortable ever. They just want to love me and get to know me better through all this hell oh earth. This was so difficult for me even though I'm an open person, but going through all these emotions since being diagnosed has opened up a whole new way of thinking and feeling. Each day I learn something new about myself. Some days are better than others. And the last few weeks have been awful! Even though I have written all is good -- for the most part, going through the motions is good, but my inner feelings have been in turmoil. So I must apologize to all my readers as well as apologize to myself for not be truly AUTHENTIC. This is a difficult time in my life. It's been the biggest challenge I have ever had to deal with. I will continue to monitor and continue on this journey forward. There are going to be days that are simply crappy. But for the most part they have been so good to me. I continue to rely on my faith, love and friendships. They are what keep me in check. I thank you and continue to love.
With that, my Cup's still half full and am still a work in progress.
Ciao, Ciao!
