Today is a great day even though I'm bald as an eagle; but it could be much worse. Today Jim and I are celebrating our 28th wedding anniversary. We are pretty proud of that fact and the fact that we still actually LIKE each other. He's out golfing to begin his day -- which is a good thing since he is my caretaker and does a great job of tending to the majority of our daily stuff.......He's been my rock star as I have stated in previous blogs -- because it's all true. Part of going through this whole journey is dealing with our relationships. In my case, I'm happily married and we take our vows pretty seriously. If there was ever a time in our relationship where we reflect back on those words of our vows, it's now.
"For richer or pooer; in SICKNESS and in HEALTH....."
It's never perfect being in a marriage. Yes, it is work. It's just not meant to be the type of work that is like pulling teeth -- but then again, I think some couples love the "friction" -- it keeps their marriage working. Doesn't work for me, but who's to say what works for one couple to the next.
Jim and I are facing new challenges because of the cancer. On one hand, it ticks me off we have to be in this situation; and on the other, it's brought us even closer than I could imagine. It's rather interesting to me that in times of major tribulations how we all deal with our own stresses and if we want to face up to changes or not. I can only speak for me/us. We most definitely have had major, and I mean MAJOR adjustments to our relationship. I'm not the same -- plain and simple. I resent that fact, but it's the truth. I see myself in a different way now, consequently, I don't "relate" in the same manner back to my husband. We've had many a discussion through this process of cancer and chemo. There is a lot of understanding involved. I think it's been harder for me to come to this juncture because I've been so close with my husband. I don't know where Jim gets his understanding. He's so willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel whole or happy. I cannot ask for more. I just don't understand how HE can be so understanding. He's my true love I have hoped for all my life -- and I am fortunate to have him right in front of me. With that, I try to honor him in any way I can. As an example, I get the biggest kick out of being able to make him a breakfast or a lunch or dinner; I also enjoy being able to make him some espresso just the way he likes it. I also want to be able to vacuum thet floors when I feel up to it. He's always doing everything around this home of ours to make me be able to rest and relax more without unnecessary stress. I have to say, in the beginning of all this craziness, I was so fiercely protective of what I could and could not do -- my independence, that I would fight him everytime he tried to help me with anything. What a waste of energy! All that did was make me more exhausted and frustrated. I was the one that was having to step back and "allow" him to help me. So crazy to think now why that was such a big deal. But it is a big deal. I wanted everything to be the same. Guess, what? It's not. Life, once again, has changed forever. Yes, I realize, on the other side of this journey, I will get my independence back, but while one is in this situation, all you want IS your life back. But Jim patiently tends to what needs to be done and is glad to do so. He is my blessing and I can't imagine loving any one person more (other than our girls, of course).
THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS. Through this major test of our lives together he continues to show me daily how much he's committed to me and our lives together. He could have run to the hills, which I have found many husbands do these days when they find out their "wife" or "partner in life" has breast cancer. Even in 2011, this kind of rejection is going on. So amazingly hard to wrap my brain around, but I guess it takes all kinds of selfishness.
I also think that if it weren't for our faith and spiritual guidance, we would be lost in the hollowness that can come when you are dealt these set of circumstances. I cannot imagine not having HOPE, FAITH, LOVE, UNDERSTANDING and PATIENCE. I know I still have a long way to go in the completeness of this journey but I am willing to learn. Something good/great will come out of all of this. I know this to be true. And I know it's not a Pie-in-the-sky kind of feeling either. I just know...........
In the next 2 days I will be entering into my 5th Chemo -- I'm almost finished with Chemo! THANK YOU GOD!! My next phase will be coming up, but for now, I will face the last 2 chemos head-on, I hope, with GRACE and DIGNITY which I had prayed for since the beginning. I have lost the majority of my eyelashes this past 2 weeks; my eyebrows are so much thinner. My eyes are very teary always due to the Taxotere. I see myself differently yet again. It's funny how I can still walk by a mirror and take a glance, then another good, hard look and say to myself, "Who is that?" It always cracks me up. But, I admit, there are few times that I will look and get real tears in my eyes cuz I still can't believe this has happened to me and my family.......And once again I remember that there are so many others out there with so much worse. With so much MORE pain than mine/ours; with so much more heartbreak, etc. So it snaps me back to reality and I then say a little prayer of THANKS and move past that stupid mirror. I know I have to move forward and make the most of whatever my day is. This is temporary and I will / we will get through this NO MATTER WHAT! I'm doing this in spite of what the Cancer wants out of me. Like I've said other times, I will win this; I will conquer this and I will heal. I feel everyone's prayers. It's been very powerful -- what a feeling that embraces my body. That's why I know I'm not alone. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART to all of you who do pray honestly and openly for me and my family. It doesn't go unnoticed.
I pray so much I think my angels are a little tired of hearing me. But maybe not. The shrinkage still is happening in the tumors.
Onward I say! Let's move forward -- face #5 chemo on Thursday with the dignity and calm and positive energy I need to get through it only 2 more times. A total of 6 treatments. My final treatment is July 21!!!! I hope my veins can withstand just 2 more. They will, I may be tracked up, but they will hold up.
Afterall, I am Lynn Johnson -- I'm too stubborn and willful and overly optimistic! And, Oh yeah, I don't like Cancer! I'm killing it with kindness, too!
I can honestly say My Cup's Half Full still and counting! Please keep those prayers alive for us!
Ciao, Ciao!
