I'm so grateful for today because I wanted it to be "normal." No doctors, no tests, no subjects surrounding Cancer. I slept really well, woke up, took care of the dogs and made Jim and myself some breakfast, etc.
I got my hair trimmed/colored and felt so normal. My friend, Teri, made me feel so welcomed and normal that I forgot for awhile that anything was pressing in the back of my mind. Big sighs all over the place. Wonderful! Got to go shop with Ash for some groceries, did some other errands and then came home.
My amazing, and I mean AMAZING, loving hubby had cooked dinner already (4:30pm, yes, early) because he knew I had my first meditation class at this wonderful resource center for women with breast cancer.
I ate my wonderful dinner and ran out the door. Got there a little bit early and met 3 very nice women. No one was talking about their cancers. We all knew. There was one comment about a lady finding out something about her cancer matastasizing, etc. But no expansion on that subject, THANK GOD!
So we then went into our room for meditation. I learned a lot. My teacher, Rose, is a wonderful person. She is so filled with compassion and love and understanding and patience. She's really a gift. Amazing woman. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. She does free counseling as well. HMMMM, think I need to talk with her. Probably will a lot before this is all over. All the women really trust her. There is a good bond between them. I felt very comfortable.
When we finished we came out and sat on couches to relax and talk about what key words will help us to quiet our minds, relax our breathing, etc. I was making my notes.
Then the conversation changed. In walked a woman who had stage 4 cancer. The woman obviously was really wanting to be here tonight but she explained all the things she was doing before she arrived. Things I'm not familiar with nor care to know about EVER. She went on to explain about how she "used to be so strong!" She was "so full of life." Then when I was about to stop from listening further to this because my anxiety level hit an all-time high right about then, she went on to describe how it all started with her diagnosis and every little detail where it started and where it has gone, what has changed, deteriorated, blah, blah, blah. Enough already! I was clutching my t-shirt with my hands. Crazy grip I had going on.
Under normal circumstances, of course, I would have been so understanding and empathetic, but I still am dealing with the fact I even have cancer. Intellectually, I get she's upset and very scared (just like the rest of us), but I also saw a desperation about this woman. From what I was gathering, she was doing so many things for her cancer simultaneously that it seemed franetic and over-the-top crazy behavior. Very dramatic, which I didn't want or need.
So I leaned over to the instructor and in a very low voice that only she could hear, told her I MUST leave NOW and that I was about to freak out. She understood completely and apologized and stood up with me at the same time. About that time everyone else stood up. I think it wasn't just me who was feeling this lady's toxicity! Once again, under normal circumstances I would have hugged this woman because she needs many hugs, but I couldn't even bring myself to get within 10 feet of her. All I knew was I needed to get the hell out of there and get home. I was escorted out the door among the other women that were leaving. Rose, my instructor, tried to calm me and let me know she is there for me and that we would talk soon. As soon as I got to the door, I BUSTED out of there and jogged to the car. Got in my car and IMMEDIATELY lost it! I mean LOST IT! Never ever, ever have I done this. I somehow got home. I believe it was my angels surrounding me, because the cars on the road parted away from me and the lights at the intersections were all green. I literally got home in 7 minutes. Hmmmmmmmmmm, a little devine intervention never hurts anyone, now does it?
I got the car into the garage, through my purse and stuff somewhere and ran into the family room to find Jim. Thank GOD for this man of mine. I then was hysterically crying. I couldn't stop. I couldn't pull myself together. Bottom line, I was scared this would happen to me. I keep on telling myself that I don't want to be a part of this "sorority" of sorts. I have NO desire. I also know that I don't FIT in a group setting yet especially for therapy. Not ready. Maybe one-on-one, but NO WAY GROUP. I simply cannot hear other's stories yet. Not ready.
Ashley called me, my darling angel of mercy, and LISTENED to me for awhile. I was attempting to write this blog. She told me to put it away for the night and think about if I would want to write this down or not. Obviously, I NEED to write about this. Purging here is so much easier for me to control the doubts in my head. I do have faith. I know everyone's journey is different. I just don't want my journey like hers. Dear GOD, please don't let this happen. Please!
With all that emotion of mine, I was finally able to get a grip on my emotions. I took a bath, concentrated on good memories and good affirmations. I even studied my body for a while. I guess I'm getting ready to say good-bye to the "girls." I'm not repulsed, just beginning to resign myself to the fact they both will be gone someday. Ok. If it means I'm going to live and be healthy -- take 'em! Take 'em! Then I can have new ones put on where they belong! LOL.
So, this was last night. Today, Friday, March 25, is a MUCH brighter day. I've had some depression this morning, but am doing overall really well. I even ate a big breakfast which I haven't been and a good healthy lunch. I had an ecco cardiogram at the local hospital for my oncologist. That was a piece of cake. Guess what? I have a VERY HEALTHY HEART!!!!! WWWWWWWWHHHHHhhhEEEEEE!!! Of course I do. I don't feel sick at all! Nothing. Just the uncomfortableness of the armpit and my left breast's weight. To look at me, no one would know. I've even been told recently that "Lynn's glowing." So there!
For those of you who care or not, I guess I'm becoming a good example of the highs and lows of this discovery process when you find out about cancer. But it's name is THE INTRUDER. That works for me.
It's not welcome in my house (my body) and I want to EVICT it immediately. I can't promise I'm going to stop crying from time to time, but I AM and WILL kill this Intruder. I'm no more Ms. Nice gal! No way!
So there. That's enough for one day or two. I have the weekend to try and be "normal." and keep myself very busy. I have volunteering to do at the animal shelter on Saturday. Those animals need great forever homes and I'm going to do my BEST to find them loving homes. They deserve a chance.
See: My Cup's Half Full! Ciao, Ciao -- onward............
