So much has happened in just a few short days.
I had an appointment down in Vista to have a consultation with my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka. Their office is located 1/2 hour away from Murrieta. Very easy to find. The office staff was very welcoming and very professional. They took my vitals and my blood pressure (BP) was up a little bit -- no SH--! I get this way when I go into the unknown. I'm so ridiculously sensitive at times, but I guess, that's ME. They expect it -- so I was told. I've been told that I have the white coat syndrome -- YES, I would agree. But overall, my BP is low. Anyway, my nurse that I will be seeing on a regular basis was quite the little spit fire. Really cute and very knowledgeable. She did a thorough Q & A with me regarding my health history. She explained to me that my aches and pains in my joints are normal after going through the chemo treatment I've experienced. (Thank you God, it's not that I'm getting older.........) I've also had issues with my feet -- when I first get out of bed, as an example, my feet hurt/ache as I walk. Takes a few feet before everything seems to be working properly. Apparently, this, too, is due to the chemo. I already know my hands and body are still holding fluids; I still cannot wear my wedding ring -- this is CHEMO. Chemo lingers in the body for months afterwards. Isn't that nice? At least I know why this is happening. Onward......
My nurse asked me about how I found out about my cancer diagnosis. I explained my story, which brought her to tears. Everytime I tell someone in the medical profession down here about my story, they are shocked.
The fact of the matter is I'm more grateful that I was diagnosed down here rather than where I lived before. It's not to say there aren't good doctors up in Northern California, but I do know I'm in an area where I can get to great medical care quickly and have choices. I will come back to this particular subject later.......
Within a few minutes of my first meeting with the nurse, in walked my new doctor. She's an adorable woman who has the kind of eyes that can look into your soul. She most definitely pays attention when she is in your presence. First impressions are wonderful. She's brilliant. Not arrogant, just the real deal. Isn't it ironic, I have been blessed with such expertise since the beginning of my journey. I guess, my God and all my angels insist that I get a break considering how it all began. I'm not arguing with this at all. I know I am blessed with all these experts. And, to me, more amazing is that they work as a team. No big time egoes here at all!!!!! How refreshing.
My doc began by introducing herself and then sitting down on a stool and scooted up closer to me and asked my how I was doing considering what I have been going through. I looked straight into her eyes and answered, "I think I'm doing pretty well overall -- but honestly, I guess I haven't viewed myself as going through as much as you have just stated." She was taken aback by my reply, I'm sure. She continued on and told me that she had taken a while to view all my films and reports, etc. She told me that from what she viewed and read, she knew I have been through a lot and that my first breast MRI was "very scary looking." I think it was those words that resinated with me to my core. When I saw my first set of MRI scans, they reminded me of a horrible weather storm. I described it to her that way and she nodded in agreement then stated, "That is a very good way of describing your tumors." Then once again, she asked me how I came to discover about my cancer. I told her of my years knowing I had dense breast tissues and that I had been diligent about my self-exams and mammograms, etc. As I explained my history to her, her eyes were very fixed on me and then I saw the tears to begin to swell in her eyes. She, too, was saddened to find out I had never been diagnosed until March 16, 2011. She told me she saw the growth of cells in my 2006 films. When I heard her words OUT LOUD it brought back those feelings of frustration and emotions. My tears fell once again. Couldn't stop for awhile. I had to dig deeper just because I wanted to continue to explain my history. And, I also, didn't want to waste anymore negative energy on the fact the proper tests could have prevented this situation I find myself now involved in.
So we got down to business discussing in great detail what I can expect and why I have to have radiation. She went into great detail about all the side effects that can occur and what I realistically can expect. They will contact me next week to set up the appointment so I can get "mapped out" -- all my areas that will be radiated. There will be 3 specific areas of my left side of my chest that will be radiated and from different angles. Once the mapping is done, she will do fine tuning on the exact measurements and make any appropriate modifications if needed. I will then have to come in again for a "dry run." I will be placed on a table where they will test the beams -- but it will not be radiation. The following day I will come back and begin treatment. The treatment will last approximately 15 minutes total. The actual radiation lasts only 2-3 minutes. In and out --- done. I will have 28 treatments. This will last between 6 & 7 weeks -- 5 days a week. I should be finished at the beginning of December. I will not lose my hair or get nauseated. I may get tired -- needing a nap or rest. I may experience like a severe sunburn. Other side effects can occur, but this is a very basic overview.
Oddly enough, I have no fear regarding this procedure. I feel strongly that if I can survive chemo, I most certainly can do radiation. The doctor stated that I may not see any effects till 3 weeks into the treatment.
I plan to continue with life forward and do what I can on my own time to counteract any potential effects. I plan to walk more and go about daily life -- cuz it goes on -- life goes on! I want to move forward. But I'm not unrealistic to think that all is perfect, because nothing is perfect. I'm still healing from my surgery. I still have issues with my energy from that. I'm still needing rests. I still have to be mindful that I cannot move quickly. But I'm doing well with being mindful.
After my appointment, I felt completely emotionally drained yet again. Each time I talk about my history these days with a doctor, it brings back a certain amount of angst regarding how this cancer journey came to be. I have been contemplating writing a letter to my FORMER gyneocologist and her partners so I can have complete closure. It has been suggested to me that I write the letter -- get it down on paper. Then keep the letter and if I want to send it, then do so; but if nothing else, it puts it down in writing and it gets it out of my head and body. After doing some thorough soul searching, I have come to the conclusion this is exactly what I need to do for me. This is not going to be a letter of blame rather it will be a letter of expression of how this could have been avoided. I want other women especially up in Northern California to have a chance of survival rather than having NO diagnosis happen to them. There may even be a letter to the editor of the local newspaper as well. I want women to know to question, question, question and keep pursuing without feeling like they don't have choices or rights to question their doctor. Not only that, question the radiologist. I had films that were obviously mis-read or not paid attention to! That is a hard pill to swallow for me and I have to forgive and move on. That is why I continue to pray, to meditate, to face it head on.
I am going to rise above this; it's going to take time. I hope all my readers will encourage their loved ones to speak their minds as well when it comes to their health! WE are our best advocates. If we hesitate because we think we may step on someone's feet or hurt their feelings -- too damned bad! It's OUR body -- it's OUR LIFE.
On a final note, I found out this evening that a former high school friend of mine passed away of cancer after a very long battle. She faced her journey head on and with great dignity and fire and love. I cannot express my complete feelings except I will miss you, Jill. YOU ARE THE WOMAN! YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD. FLY -- BE FREE -- LOVE SURROUNDS YOU.
My Cup's Half Full -- feeling grateful for the love that surrounds me, too!
I had an appointment down in Vista to have a consultation with my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka. Their office is located 1/2 hour away from Murrieta. Very easy to find. The office staff was very welcoming and very professional. They took my vitals and my blood pressure (BP) was up a little bit -- no SH--! I get this way when I go into the unknown. I'm so ridiculously sensitive at times, but I guess, that's ME. They expect it -- so I was told. I've been told that I have the white coat syndrome -- YES, I would agree. But overall, my BP is low. Anyway, my nurse that I will be seeing on a regular basis was quite the little spit fire. Really cute and very knowledgeable. She did a thorough Q & A with me regarding my health history. She explained to me that my aches and pains in my joints are normal after going through the chemo treatment I've experienced. (Thank you God, it's not that I'm getting older.........) I've also had issues with my feet -- when I first get out of bed, as an example, my feet hurt/ache as I walk. Takes a few feet before everything seems to be working properly. Apparently, this, too, is due to the chemo. I already know my hands and body are still holding fluids; I still cannot wear my wedding ring -- this is CHEMO. Chemo lingers in the body for months afterwards. Isn't that nice? At least I know why this is happening. Onward......
My nurse asked me about how I found out about my cancer diagnosis. I explained my story, which brought her to tears. Everytime I tell someone in the medical profession down here about my story, they are shocked.
The fact of the matter is I'm more grateful that I was diagnosed down here rather than where I lived before. It's not to say there aren't good doctors up in Northern California, but I do know I'm in an area where I can get to great medical care quickly and have choices. I will come back to this particular subject later.......
Within a few minutes of my first meeting with the nurse, in walked my new doctor. She's an adorable woman who has the kind of eyes that can look into your soul. She most definitely pays attention when she is in your presence. First impressions are wonderful. She's brilliant. Not arrogant, just the real deal. Isn't it ironic, I have been blessed with such expertise since the beginning of my journey. I guess, my God and all my angels insist that I get a break considering how it all began. I'm not arguing with this at all. I know I am blessed with all these experts. And, to me, more amazing is that they work as a team. No big time egoes here at all!!!!! How refreshing.
My doc began by introducing herself and then sitting down on a stool and scooted up closer to me and asked my how I was doing considering what I have been going through. I looked straight into her eyes and answered, "I think I'm doing pretty well overall -- but honestly, I guess I haven't viewed myself as going through as much as you have just stated." She was taken aback by my reply, I'm sure. She continued on and told me that she had taken a while to view all my films and reports, etc. She told me that from what she viewed and read, she knew I have been through a lot and that my first breast MRI was "very scary looking." I think it was those words that resinated with me to my core. When I saw my first set of MRI scans, they reminded me of a horrible weather storm. I described it to her that way and she nodded in agreement then stated, "That is a very good way of describing your tumors." Then once again, she asked me how I came to discover about my cancer. I told her of my years knowing I had dense breast tissues and that I had been diligent about my self-exams and mammograms, etc. As I explained my history to her, her eyes were very fixed on me and then I saw the tears to begin to swell in her eyes. She, too, was saddened to find out I had never been diagnosed until March 16, 2011. She told me she saw the growth of cells in my 2006 films. When I heard her words OUT LOUD it brought back those feelings of frustration and emotions. My tears fell once again. Couldn't stop for awhile. I had to dig deeper just because I wanted to continue to explain my history. And, I also, didn't want to waste anymore negative energy on the fact the proper tests could have prevented this situation I find myself now involved in.
So we got down to business discussing in great detail what I can expect and why I have to have radiation. She went into great detail about all the side effects that can occur and what I realistically can expect. They will contact me next week to set up the appointment so I can get "mapped out" -- all my areas that will be radiated. There will be 3 specific areas of my left side of my chest that will be radiated and from different angles. Once the mapping is done, she will do fine tuning on the exact measurements and make any appropriate modifications if needed. I will then have to come in again for a "dry run." I will be placed on a table where they will test the beams -- but it will not be radiation. The following day I will come back and begin treatment. The treatment will last approximately 15 minutes total. The actual radiation lasts only 2-3 minutes. In and out --- done. I will have 28 treatments. This will last between 6 & 7 weeks -- 5 days a week. I should be finished at the beginning of December. I will not lose my hair or get nauseated. I may get tired -- needing a nap or rest. I may experience like a severe sunburn. Other side effects can occur, but this is a very basic overview.
Oddly enough, I have no fear regarding this procedure. I feel strongly that if I can survive chemo, I most certainly can do radiation. The doctor stated that I may not see any effects till 3 weeks into the treatment.
I plan to continue with life forward and do what I can on my own time to counteract any potential effects. I plan to walk more and go about daily life -- cuz it goes on -- life goes on! I want to move forward. But I'm not unrealistic to think that all is perfect, because nothing is perfect. I'm still healing from my surgery. I still have issues with my energy from that. I'm still needing rests. I still have to be mindful that I cannot move quickly. But I'm doing well with being mindful.
After my appointment, I felt completely emotionally drained yet again. Each time I talk about my history these days with a doctor, it brings back a certain amount of angst regarding how this cancer journey came to be. I have been contemplating writing a letter to my FORMER gyneocologist and her partners so I can have complete closure. It has been suggested to me that I write the letter -- get it down on paper. Then keep the letter and if I want to send it, then do so; but if nothing else, it puts it down in writing and it gets it out of my head and body. After doing some thorough soul searching, I have come to the conclusion this is exactly what I need to do for me. This is not going to be a letter of blame rather it will be a letter of expression of how this could have been avoided. I want other women especially up in Northern California to have a chance of survival rather than having NO diagnosis happen to them. There may even be a letter to the editor of the local newspaper as well. I want women to know to question, question, question and keep pursuing without feeling like they don't have choices or rights to question their doctor. Not only that, question the radiologist. I had films that were obviously mis-read or not paid attention to! That is a hard pill to swallow for me and I have to forgive and move on. That is why I continue to pray, to meditate, to face it head on.
I am going to rise above this; it's going to take time. I hope all my readers will encourage their loved ones to speak their minds as well when it comes to their health! WE are our best advocates. If we hesitate because we think we may step on someone's feet or hurt their feelings -- too damned bad! It's OUR body -- it's OUR LIFE.
On a final note, I found out this evening that a former high school friend of mine passed away of cancer after a very long battle. She faced her journey head on and with great dignity and fire and love. I cannot express my complete feelings except I will miss you, Jill. YOU ARE THE WOMAN! YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD. FLY -- BE FREE -- LOVE SURROUNDS YOU.
My Cup's Half Full -- feeling grateful for the love that surrounds me, too!
