It's been awhile since I've written anything. I guess I haven't had a lot to say, but that's not exactly truthful. I always have something to say, but it's not always what others would like to read about. Or for that matter, what I want to read.
I've had the pleasure of having not one but 2 of my best friends in the world come and visit me this past week. My first bestest friend flew in for a long weekend. She had her work cut out for her while being here. I was proud of myself, because I allowed her to help me. One thing to remember through all this, I am doing really well, but the reality is, I get really tired. And the chemo fatigue is one that all should respect. If I don't listen to it, it kicks my butt big time. So when this would happen, my girly friend would step in and do her magic. She baked for me, massaged my hands and feet (glory be!), tucked me in for my naps, assisted me in the tub, and she tolerated whatever I dished back at her. She didn't even freak out when she saw my bald head for the first time. Oh, yeah, we cried together, of course, but it wasn't one of those moments I was dreading that someone would get that panicked look of "Oh, no, poor thing."
The best part was sharing the special moments. There were many. I am blessed like I've been saying throughout this blogging process. I am truly blessed. I know some may think that how can I think this cancer, once again, has turned out to be a blessing in disguise? Because there are so many other positives that have come out of it. I love that people are letting me know how they genuinely feel. It's about no regrets and having the opportunity to let those around us how we feel about each other and not be afraid of doing so. Love this part.
The other thing that occurred to me the other day was that I haven't given it any thought at all that I would be dying. Let me say this out loud on this blog forum that I have no plans of going anywhere. I am moving through the process the way I must at this point in my life. I will get on the other side of this. It wasn't until I had a rather deep discussion with one of my friends that anyone would be thinking that I could possibly die. Guess what everyone: I am living and I continue to live and I will be here just like a bad habit! This is not an unrealistic expectation for my circumstance. Yes, I have quite the road, but guess what? I'm still here and doing better everyday. EVERY DAY!!!!
Yes, I'm a very different person on many levels, but I'm also still Lynn. I still can drive everyone nuts at times; I still am very passionate about love & life; I love my dogs so very much and can't breathe without them being in my life; I still love cooking and my landscaping projects; I still love my family endlessly; I still have plans of travel around our great USA and abroad; I still AM!!!!
And guess what? The latest with my tumors: There is still serious Shrinkage happening! WWWHHHOOOAAAA! Oh, yes. My daughter and I were talking about how my left breast seems to be either dying or the chemo is discoloring the tissue underneath the skin surface. But there is some serious work going on. I feel it happening everyday. No, it doesn't hurt too much while it's doing it's thing, but there is some discomfort of sorts. I would be lying if I were saying it were a bed of roses, because it's not. But I most certainly don't lose sleep. Yes, there can be what I call "shooter pains" in that region of my breast, but I know it's dying or being critically wounded! Once again, there has to be some give and take on my part while I feel these pains. That's why I always and continue to believe to make sure to do something for myself to make me feel relief or free for a short period of time. Whether that means some sort of massage or floating in the bath tub -- at least that is what gives me relief. I also will meditate or go for that walk (whether it's short or not) so I can clear my brain. Just having that opportunity to feel normal for a while. It's like the greatest thing while it's happening. Oh, yes, and I pray constantly in my head/heart. That's just a given. This is not to say I'm always happy, cuz I'm not.
I have been experiencing some issues in public a couple times now.
I went out shopping with my friend. This sales person was obviously very uncomfortable with me -- not sure why, but she was--maybe cuz I had this lovely sunrash on my neck & part of my left cheek. Consequently, when I wanted or needed some assistance with some make-up products, she was compliant to get my products, but she would refer back to my friend. She didn't want to look at me or talk directly to me. Hello! I'm standing right here! I realized it was her own issues; my girlfriend kept on referring back to me and I would then talk directly back to the lady assisting us. I know, I should have said something but all I wanted was this product. The lady eventually lightened up with me, but then it happened: She brought up about her mom and how she ultimately died from cancer. I tried to be empathetic, but I was not embracing the gory details. But I stood there listening. She obviously felt the need to say this to me in order for her to get through her uncomfortable behaviour. Then out of the blue she says, "You're so sweet." And hugged me. So I hugged back. Phew! I'm learning daily. I can handle these isolated little events, but I hope this doesn't begin to be an issue whenever I go out. Perhaps, this is going to be one of those learning curves as I go out more and more into the public eye -- judgments. It's going to be up to me to not get defensive, but to embrace and not allow this to bother me. The more they see me, I think, the more people will become aware. Maybe I've stated this before -- please be sensitive to those who have cancer or any kind of illness that maybe it's really not appropriate to share such details about your loss of others. For me it's cool to share your lost someone, but please keep it to a minimum of how the cancer took them over and how they withered to bones and how they couldn't eat and blah, blah, blah. I can only speak for myself, but you don't always have to feel compelled to say anything. Maybe a kind word of, "I hope you are doing well" or "I love your hat" or "you have a great smile." I'm just saying or maybe I'm wishing.......Either way, it feels better for me to share this.
So I'm approaching my 3rd chemo treatment this next Thursday, May 19 @10:30am. Double-edged sword for me -- I look forward to seeing both my surgeon and oncologist to show the progress but I don't look forward to the next chemo treatment. All-in-all I have come out of each treatment pretty good -- yes, I have my skin issues and what have you, but the chemo so far has spared me somewhat. The reality is this: I will be halfway through this chemo regimen! Halfway through. My next goal is to finish this on July 21 without too much incident. After the chemo, I recooperate for a few weeks then I go into my next phase: Bi-lateral mastectomy. Yes, both breasts will be removed plus some lymph nodes under my left arm. The great news is my youngest daughter and her hubby will be visiting here from Italy in late August till November. Oh, yeah! We will be doing a lot of photography during their visit. Gotta update the family pics. No, I will not be wearing any wigs for pics. We will take photos with my bald head exposed; with my bald head covered with scarves and hats. Loving the scarf & hat thing very much. As long as I have earrings on and a little make-up, I'm good to go.
A little disappointed in my right arm where the clot has been. It's still more swollen than my left arm and it still gets that tight feeling because the blood flow is not where it should be, but apparently, this is normal. But, of course, I will be checked by my surgeon this next Thursday and I will address this issue with him and see what we come up with. I have no infections, which sometimes can occur when there have been medical procedures.
So for now, I'm doing well. My fatigue isn't as prevalant but I know when I need to take a nap or lie down for awhile. It's part of the routine now. I will be looking into getting assistance for cleaning my home probably once a week so it takes the pressure off Jim and I can truly relax knowing my home continues to be clean and disinfected. That's my pet peave -- gotta have a clean house -- then I'm relaxed.
I'm going to check out for now; want and need to go knit. It's my Zen! I send good, positive thoughts to all and I continue to move forward through my journey. I know you can tell through my writing that I'm in a better place than I was a week or so ago -- cuz I am! Yay! In with the air of life!
Still my cup's half full and continue to hold onto this with great gusto! Enjoy your lives to their fullest! Carpe Diem!
Ciao, Ciao
