You may be asking, "What letter?"
For weeks now I've written about a letter I, personally, must write to express my feelings about not being diagnosed or properly treated by my previous gynecologist. This is an oversimplified explanation for my writing, but needless to say, I have needed to do this so I can move forward in my recovery and not be so angry. I've had this letter in my head for weeks now. I've been going over and over with the emotions and words I've wanted to say. But for some strange reason, I couldn't or wouldn't take the next step in simply writing down my words onto paper and/or write it on my laptop.
I had a meeting with my radiology oncologist yesterday. Let me say this about my doctor: She is an amazing WOMAN and professional. She has everything we, as patients, need and want in a doctor. She has such a capacity of compassion, empathy, intelligence, accuracy, straight talking, and love. Wow, she is amazing. While we met, I had quite the breakdown. I think she has been realizing I needed to do this. I've been way too strong and not allowing myself to feel all the strange emotions I've been experiencing. We must have spoke for at least 15 minutes. She held my hand a few times, passed the tissues, and her words of wisdom were exactly what "the doctor ordered." I didn't feel like a freak of nature. But she did have some very honest words that needed to be said. She told me I need to be in counseling on a more consistent basis to get this angst out of me. Tell it to someone who is on neutral grounds. I have gone from time to time to a lady who has helped me out during chemo treatments. It's time to go back -- I obviously need a little guidance. The way I feel about counseling is this: You do the work. The counselor is a guide. They do not make magic happen. I just need to stop trying to work my emotions out quietly. I can't and don't need to be so strong in the sense that I must control everything at all times. Those days are gone. They really are. Now, this doesn't mean I have no independent thought, etc, it just means I need guidance now. I'm going through hell right now. I'm on the downhill slide, of course, but that doesn't mean it's that neat and tidy as far as emotions are concerned. I'm still coming to grips with the fact my life has changed FOREVER. I think in this day and age of life, sometimes we forget that we are not robots. We are HUMAN BEINGS with many different layers to ourselves. So with that, I will put myself back into counseling and see what happens. What's the worse that can happen? I could drive my counselor to begin to drink heavily cuz I'm such a unique person. LOL!!! Gotta laugh -- it's healthy!
Getting back to the letter: I have it in draft form currently. I will NOT post it on this blog. There are some things that are not comfortable for me to post on this format. TMI -- too much information. Needless to say, I will send this letter. I'm very proud of this letter. I am completely honest with my feelings and kept to the facts. I hope good will come out of this for this doctor as well. One thing I did tell her: I pray for her daily. This is the truth. I do pray for her. I don't wish her ill-will; just that she re-evaluate how she "practices" her medicine on her patients.
When I finished writing my letter, I took one big breath and EXHALED cleanly. There were no earth-shattering emotions that flooded my being, but through the course of my afternoon, I kept on feeling this calm come over me more and more and more. It was a gift! I cleansed myself of sorts. Talk about tranquility -- wow. I ate dinner with such calm and enjoyed my family even more. Even my pain from radiation had subsided somewhat.
When I went to bed I had such a calm all around me. I feel my angels were hugging me -- telling me, "Lynn, now, please rest and all is going to be okay. Rest and don't worry."
I guess that's what I did because I woke up very rested. I feel lighter in step, too.
It's never too late to learn... I continue to learn daily and my forgiveness is still a work in progress.
Ciao, Ciao.
For weeks now I've written about a letter I, personally, must write to express my feelings about not being diagnosed or properly treated by my previous gynecologist. This is an oversimplified explanation for my writing, but needless to say, I have needed to do this so I can move forward in my recovery and not be so angry. I've had this letter in my head for weeks now. I've been going over and over with the emotions and words I've wanted to say. But for some strange reason, I couldn't or wouldn't take the next step in simply writing down my words onto paper and/or write it on my laptop.
I had a meeting with my radiology oncologist yesterday. Let me say this about my doctor: She is an amazing WOMAN and professional. She has everything we, as patients, need and want in a doctor. She has such a capacity of compassion, empathy, intelligence, accuracy, straight talking, and love. Wow, she is amazing. While we met, I had quite the breakdown. I think she has been realizing I needed to do this. I've been way too strong and not allowing myself to feel all the strange emotions I've been experiencing. We must have spoke for at least 15 minutes. She held my hand a few times, passed the tissues, and her words of wisdom were exactly what "the doctor ordered." I didn't feel like a freak of nature. But she did have some very honest words that needed to be said. She told me I need to be in counseling on a more consistent basis to get this angst out of me. Tell it to someone who is on neutral grounds. I have gone from time to time to a lady who has helped me out during chemo treatments. It's time to go back -- I obviously need a little guidance. The way I feel about counseling is this: You do the work. The counselor is a guide. They do not make magic happen. I just need to stop trying to work my emotions out quietly. I can't and don't need to be so strong in the sense that I must control everything at all times. Those days are gone. They really are. Now, this doesn't mean I have no independent thought, etc, it just means I need guidance now. I'm going through hell right now. I'm on the downhill slide, of course, but that doesn't mean it's that neat and tidy as far as emotions are concerned. I'm still coming to grips with the fact my life has changed FOREVER. I think in this day and age of life, sometimes we forget that we are not robots. We are HUMAN BEINGS with many different layers to ourselves. So with that, I will put myself back into counseling and see what happens. What's the worse that can happen? I could drive my counselor to begin to drink heavily cuz I'm such a unique person. LOL!!! Gotta laugh -- it's healthy!
Getting back to the letter: I have it in draft form currently. I will NOT post it on this blog. There are some things that are not comfortable for me to post on this format. TMI -- too much information. Needless to say, I will send this letter. I'm very proud of this letter. I am completely honest with my feelings and kept to the facts. I hope good will come out of this for this doctor as well. One thing I did tell her: I pray for her daily. This is the truth. I do pray for her. I don't wish her ill-will; just that she re-evaluate how she "practices" her medicine on her patients.
When I finished writing my letter, I took one big breath and EXHALED cleanly. There were no earth-shattering emotions that flooded my being, but through the course of my afternoon, I kept on feeling this calm come over me more and more and more. It was a gift! I cleansed myself of sorts. Talk about tranquility -- wow. I ate dinner with such calm and enjoyed my family even more. Even my pain from radiation had subsided somewhat.
When I went to bed I had such a calm all around me. I feel my angels were hugging me -- telling me, "Lynn, now, please rest and all is going to be okay. Rest and don't worry."
I guess that's what I did because I woke up very rested. I feel lighter in step, too.
It's never too late to learn... I continue to learn daily and my forgiveness is still a work in progress.
Ciao, Ciao.
