Amazing three days. I feel very fortunate. I'm keeping myself very busy and going about my regular life.
I'm in the process of learning to meditate which is helping with the anxiety of all that is occurring. I'm also learning a lot more about my spirituality. I have a lot to learn and beginning to accept certain realities much better. It's such a process and I do believe that everyone has their own way of getting to their goals/destinations, etc. Mine, seems to be this journey. I am truly a "newby" and willing to continue to learn. That's all I can ask for at this point.
Today, I've been trying to keep negative thoughts from coming into play. So far so good. A person can "what if...." themselves to death. I should know, I used to do it all the time. It's amazing I could function at times when something would way heavy in my heart/mind. Perhaps, now with this new road, I will finally begin to open up to more and new exciting adventures without hesitation. Supposedly, that's what I'm going to learn -- Okey-dokey! Perhaps, I will become a "softer" person through all this. Not in the sense of laying over and letting everything take me over, but more on the level of understanding, compassion, MERCY.
May sound a bit "heady" to some -- you're right. Pretty heady if you ask me, but I can't help go there now. I have to do this in order to start to understand better. I want to pass this fear. Like I said the other day, I don't want to be apart of this new found sorority of sorts. Well, guess what? I'm apart of it good, bad or indifferent. I'm learning also about the control aspect of my life. I truly have to reconfigure all of it. I have to be able not to just talk the talk, but I have to really walk this walk. I must let it all go -- not in a bad way, but truly understand the chips have fallen where they may and now it's time to rebuild myself back up and become healthier than I've ever been before -- emotionally and physically. Wish me luck. I am going to continue to find the laughter. That makes me feel so good inside. I will conitnue to find new peace of mind. That, too, makes me feel so secure.
Tomorrow morning is big day for me and my family. I find out the results of the PET Scan test. You want to know what "surreal" is? I have the lab results currently in my office SEALED for the doctor and I am not to open it till my exam tomorrow (with the oncologist). How's that for weird? I had to put it away yesterday so I wouldn't focus on the results. Yes, they are there waiting, patiently, I might add -- to be read. Once again: It's all determined. I must have positive thoughts. Must keep it clear and positive. I shall open myself up to more love so this intruder doesn't have an opportunity to take more. I guess I have to fill myself up with so much LOVE that there is NO room for it. That is making more sense to me each day. I had to change my mind about this "fight." That's the first thing we all want to do. Of course, I want to fight. But I must do it with LOVE, GRACE, and DIGNITY.
I continue to move forward at a steady rate and will go the distance and seek out all the greatest medical care I can. In the words of a new friend, "Breathe in the air of LIFE." That makes sense to me.
I encourage all of you to do the same: Breathe in the air of life. It feels pretty good; doesn't it? YEAH!!!!
Now, I'm going to turn on some head-thumping music and enjoy my dogs! It's 79 degrees out! WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!
Oh, yeah, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao
