I hope everyone's 4th of July was fun and relaxing. Down in Southern California it was certainly HOT, HOT, HOT! I, myself, stayed covered up in the house in the air conditioning. I, personally, do not like to live in air conditioned situations, but I had no choice. It was way too hot for my body and considering the chemo, it makes my body that much more sensitive to changing temperatures.
This time around with the chemo has been most challenging. I cannot believe how wiped out I am. I mean beyond being hit by a Mack Truck. Saturday I was in bed almost all day. I am very much aware of my body's needs now and am doing the best to listen to it; otherwise, I do believe I will pay the wrong kind of price for my stubborness. Don't want to go down that road at all. I have spoken of the "mushy" head feeling or the "no sense of concentration." This time it seems to be doubled that amount. Wow. I didn't realize it could or would get any more intense to this extent. Wait a minute, maybe theoretically I have heard and read that the chemo can compound on top of one another, etc. This is simply awful. At this point, I have one more treatment after this one to go and I pray to God that it won't get any worse, but I somehow I think it might get worse.
My skin is so very dry from our climate. My water retention is awful. The doc had to place me on a diuretic for a short period of time to eliminate the 6 lbs that I have retained since the last chemo! That's a lot of water! So I pee a lot which is par for the course at the point. My attitude is this: So what? Just add it on. The diuretic is giving me great relief from the water retention especially in my hands, arms all over body. My face has been pretty flushed -- chemo related and heat related. I have a huge glass of water or some fluid with me at all times. I never deviate from my fluids. I also am very mindful of the fact that this diuretic can wipe out good bacteria in my body so I have to make sure I'm replacing it with the potassium that I am losing -- not through pills. My poor body is already working overtime processing the chemo, so I replace through diet and that means eating lots of foods high in potassium.
My emotions are all over the page currently. Not crying but just too much up in my head. I have so much time to lay around a process and think. Not so sure this is a good thing. I try to read, but like I stated earlier, I have no concentration. My words go into the great abyss! They disappear. This chemo brain is something else. I have a friend who is always so concerned about her memory issues; well, don't mean to be doing the one-upsmanship, but please, chemo brain is BAAAAAD! I've been calling it "Mash Potatoe Brain" this weekend. It fits very well.
My sleep pattern is very deep -- I really go into a deep sleep once I'm there. I find it remarkable how my body will sink deep into my mattress. My body is working so hard to get well. All I can do is go with it.
I still find the irony in the drugs -- chemo-- how it works, but it's so toxic and horrible for the body. Meanwhile, the cancer just lays there quietly doing it's thing. Really creepy for me. So I try very hard not to think about it. I have to think on the positive side of things otherwise I would be in constant panic mode and that is very counter-productive.
On the 4th of July, I stayed in bed yet again. My body is being kicked beyond belief. It's really frustrating and challenging. It truly makes me feel like this will be always. When will I feel the strength recharge my body? I do state my affirmations I have been working on to help me cope. It's so hard to communicate all the stuff that is happening at one time to people around you. Then you attempt to try to communicate this to others and I might as well be talking about rocket science with them because it goes in one ear and directly out the other. I can't expect anyone to understand. They have not a clue! Not a clue. How can they unless they've been down this road? I guess I hope that maybe someone will have a little empathy. Learn empathy and understanding. But at this point, I keep it generic because no one understands truly.
I did get out of the house for about 15 minutes last night to join in the festivities of the neighborhood. What a nice group of people and their children. I feel very blessed. It was so wonderful to watch what the kids were doing as far as their activities. They were all painted up and having so much fun celebrating the day. That's what it's supposed to be about -- the joy of family and friends. I loved their little voices and their laughter. It gave me such hope and took away my isolation even if it were for a shirt period of time. I'll take it. After awhile, my body gave way and I needed to get back to bed. Oh, if I could scream, but it would take way too much energy to do so -- so I won't scream.
I was up a lot last night waundering the house. I ended up on a couch in the living room trying to think positive thoughts and get out of my funk. I ended up finding myself ultimately completely turned around in my bed. I was sleeping opposite of how I began -- my feet were placed where my head should be -- hilarious. Oh, well, whatever works. It doesn't matter -- does it really? As long as I'm sleeping and resting.
So far this morning I'm functioning but with lack-luster. At least I'm up and trying to move and get some circulation going. It's very muggy outside so I'll be mindful. The dogs, including my daughter's 2, are all about the adventure of this new day. They've got their agenda going on - sniffing every conceiveable nook and cranny around the house and property. Meanwhile, I'll make the effort to move forward somehow. My goal: To listen to my body's cues. To keep my fluids up and to eat cleanly.
I pray at all times I will get through this. I WILL get through this. I WILL!!! I don't wish this process on anyone. It could be worse! It could be. I'm convincing myself a lot today. It's just one of those day's, I guess.
The Cup's Half Full and learning more and more.
Ciao, Ciao!
