I feel the need to write today due to the fact tomorrow, March 16, 2012, will be the first anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. Some would say that this day may be one of celebration and others may say this may be a day of sorrow. All I know in my heart is that I feel so sad.
How can this be? How can I be feeling sad when just last week I got the fantabulous (my word - fabulous and fantastic wrapped into one word) news that I'm cancer free. I have been so happy and relieved all at the same time; however, I also knew this anniversary was coming up and have been trying to put it out of my mind. I just want this day to go by and not have another thought about it. But, once again, I am ME and I have a tendency to over-think things, I guess. Perhaps, I haven't been busy enough -- I sure have been trying to keep myself busy everyday and try to have a sense of norm.
I also had 2 appointments scheduled today with my oncologist and my general surgeon (just as a follow-up). I woke up about 4am this morning thinking about the day ahead, etc. It was just eating at me about what could be said at the doctors' offices today. I had this epiphany of sorts that I simply don't want to see another doctor until I get past this anniversary. I just want a sense of freedom from doctors. I'm so sick and tired of my life being wrapped around the next doctor's appointment. I'm sick of it. I know it may be my immature or denial of sorts not facing another doctor's visit -- even though there is good news. I'm so sick and tired of these doctors. So I called both doctors' offices today and rescheduled.
I have a sense of relief for now even though next Thursday I will have to go to these appointments. It is what it is, but I just needed this week to get over with. Tomorrow I do have plans to be out of the area with my family -- we have appointments down in San Diego for my daughter. This will be a good distraction because it will not be about me.
When I was running some errands this morning, I was feeling sad quietly to myself. I had parked near a business I had to go into when I saw these 2 women who are in their twilight years walking out of a salon. They both were having a regular conversation with one another as they departed the business. Then suddenly one of the 2 women reached out for the other one's hand and took it into hers. You could see they were dear friends just caring for one another as they walked off. It struck me, once again, how wonderful life can be with dear friends -- reaching out to one another and being there for one another. It showed me again, how important it is to show the ones you love or care about that life goes forward no matter what else may be going on in our lives. Make the most of your life and appreciate what we/you have.
Apparently, I haven't been near my close friends of late, but they are always in my heart and in my thoughts. I spend a lot of time by myself, which is a good thing -- but sometimes it can be very lonely.
I'm not complaining because I do have such a wonderful life here; but sometimes I wish I had my friends close by to let them know I care about them. Thank goodness for the cell phone where you can text them and say a little shout-out ever so often. I don't want to bother anyone at their places of business, but at least they may have a little message ever so often that I'm thinking about them and that they are in my heart.
The good news is tomorrow will come and then go away. And I can't wait for that. Tomorrow I will be busy with my family and that will keep my mind off this stupid anniversary. As I have said a lot in the past years: THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And it is very true. I have gotten through so much this past year. How can one day in my life upset me to this point? How do I let this time go by because of the way I might be feeling? Seems rather a waste to a great degree, but the fact of the matter is, my life changed forever on that date. It has... Good, bad or indifferent -- it has changed. I guess I just have to feel these emotions and then be done with them. I want to throw them into some crater because it's really not like me to waste time on something that has already occurred. I know this is a normal experience I'm going through and may not be the last. But thank goodness I can write it down, get it out of my head and go on with the rest of my day.
I plan to make a lovely dinner for my husband and daughter. I also plan to treat us to some sort of bad-for-me dessert. I frankly don't care if they are empty calories, fatty or whatever. But for now I will indulge, enjoy and have no regrets!
The only thing I regret is allowing this Cancer journey to get me down today. So I am going to turn it around and be happier in spite of it! As I have been told many moons ago: Kill it with kindness. So I will. Then later, I will laugh about this day, possibly shake my head and close the door on this chapter, I hope, forever.
I think I'm going to go plant some rose bushes I have sitting out in my backyard waiting to go into the ground. I love this time of year. I love the "new beginnings" of life. Perhaps I just found my happiness again -- go plant my bushes.
Onward! Tomorrow will come and go and I'm happy to report I'm still around and getting healthier each day! I guess we're never too old to learn and appreciate!
Ciao, Ciao!
How can this be? How can I be feeling sad when just last week I got the fantabulous (my word - fabulous and fantastic wrapped into one word) news that I'm cancer free. I have been so happy and relieved all at the same time; however, I also knew this anniversary was coming up and have been trying to put it out of my mind. I just want this day to go by and not have another thought about it. But, once again, I am ME and I have a tendency to over-think things, I guess. Perhaps, I haven't been busy enough -- I sure have been trying to keep myself busy everyday and try to have a sense of norm.
I also had 2 appointments scheduled today with my oncologist and my general surgeon (just as a follow-up). I woke up about 4am this morning thinking about the day ahead, etc. It was just eating at me about what could be said at the doctors' offices today. I had this epiphany of sorts that I simply don't want to see another doctor until I get past this anniversary. I just want a sense of freedom from doctors. I'm so sick and tired of my life being wrapped around the next doctor's appointment. I'm sick of it. I know it may be my immature or denial of sorts not facing another doctor's visit -- even though there is good news. I'm so sick and tired of these doctors. So I called both doctors' offices today and rescheduled.
I have a sense of relief for now even though next Thursday I will have to go to these appointments. It is what it is, but I just needed this week to get over with. Tomorrow I do have plans to be out of the area with my family -- we have appointments down in San Diego for my daughter. This will be a good distraction because it will not be about me.
When I was running some errands this morning, I was feeling sad quietly to myself. I had parked near a business I had to go into when I saw these 2 women who are in their twilight years walking out of a salon. They both were having a regular conversation with one another as they departed the business. Then suddenly one of the 2 women reached out for the other one's hand and took it into hers. You could see they were dear friends just caring for one another as they walked off. It struck me, once again, how wonderful life can be with dear friends -- reaching out to one another and being there for one another. It showed me again, how important it is to show the ones you love or care about that life goes forward no matter what else may be going on in our lives. Make the most of your life and appreciate what we/you have.
Apparently, I haven't been near my close friends of late, but they are always in my heart and in my thoughts. I spend a lot of time by myself, which is a good thing -- but sometimes it can be very lonely.
I'm not complaining because I do have such a wonderful life here; but sometimes I wish I had my friends close by to let them know I care about them. Thank goodness for the cell phone where you can text them and say a little shout-out ever so often. I don't want to bother anyone at their places of business, but at least they may have a little message ever so often that I'm thinking about them and that they are in my heart.
The good news is tomorrow will come and then go away. And I can't wait for that. Tomorrow I will be busy with my family and that will keep my mind off this stupid anniversary. As I have said a lot in the past years: THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And it is very true. I have gotten through so much this past year. How can one day in my life upset me to this point? How do I let this time go by because of the way I might be feeling? Seems rather a waste to a great degree, but the fact of the matter is, my life changed forever on that date. It has... Good, bad or indifferent -- it has changed. I guess I just have to feel these emotions and then be done with them. I want to throw them into some crater because it's really not like me to waste time on something that has already occurred. I know this is a normal experience I'm going through and may not be the last. But thank goodness I can write it down, get it out of my head and go on with the rest of my day.
I plan to make a lovely dinner for my husband and daughter. I also plan to treat us to some sort of bad-for-me dessert. I frankly don't care if they are empty calories, fatty or whatever. But for now I will indulge, enjoy and have no regrets!
The only thing I regret is allowing this Cancer journey to get me down today. So I am going to turn it around and be happier in spite of it! As I have been told many moons ago: Kill it with kindness. So I will. Then later, I will laugh about this day, possibly shake my head and close the door on this chapter, I hope, forever.
I think I'm going to go plant some rose bushes I have sitting out in my backyard waiting to go into the ground. I love this time of year. I love the "new beginnings" of life. Perhaps I just found my happiness again -- go plant my bushes.
Onward! Tomorrow will come and go and I'm happy to report I'm still around and getting healthier each day! I guess we're never too old to learn and appreciate!
Ciao, Ciao!
