What a week it's been for me (and family for that matter!) A lot of trying times have been enjoyed by all due to my body's getting maxed out by the radiation beams. I've been still sick with this sinusitis infection (which really doesn't help matters at all!) Then there's the lovely nagging dry cough. When I start to feel like a human being again, I go back a couple steps with more nagging congestion. I swear to God as my witness that I'm doing everything in my power to make sure to take care of myself. My poor family is watchdogging me as well trying to keep everything very clean and disinfected. The virus has managed to go through the family. Jim and I sound like dueling hackers (coughing, that is). What a picture, eh?
Then there is the daily drives to Vista for my radiation. Apparently, it's very normal for "we" radiation patients to feel pretty cruddy at the end of our treatment stints. My left breast area continues to feel like shrink wrap more and more, but my skin in that region has been looking so great until Tuesday. My upper left chest area and at the base of my neck have turned this lovely shade of deep red. And I'm mean deep RED. I have increased my Miaderm cream for the protection of the skin area 3-4 times daily. Each day my "team" of therapists who radiate me check me over with a fine-toothed comb. They are very diligent. I have seen the doc a few times this week. I have a new prescription cream to begin using this weekend: Silvadene (spelling is incorrect) My poor skin is clean and not oozing anything, thank goodness, but my doc did mention that if it gets worse, she may stop my last 2 treatments until my skin is better. So then I practically fell to my knees begging her! I want this to be over is such a way, I think I would consider selling a body part! I know, the dramatics -- but physically, I know I can get through this. It looks worse than it feels, although, it is very uncomfortable. No kidding -- I have to sleep a certain way, avoid sunlight, be very careful in the shower and bath, careful with clothing -- you name it, I have to watch it so as not to scrape anything. Gross! Anyway..............Back to the discussion with the doctor. She obviously is thinking of the big picture for me and my recovery. I could end up with some major infection if the skin breaks down too much. So this weekend is a big weekend of extra prayers for healing! A big weekend. Once again, I am calling on my troops for healing. I don't know if I can convey or articulate enough how emotionally drained and physically worn I am right now to anyone. I feel like I've been pretty much mauled by a crowd. A crowd of what is the question -- just mauled.
Yes, I am strong; yes, I can do this, but I need a BREAK. I NEED AN END. Perhaps, in the not-so big picture, I'm whiney -- oh, well. I think I'm entitled. I don't like that word too much: ENTITLED, but that's my honest to God feelings. I want this done. I'm sure my poor family has had quite enough as well. I realize intellectually that I need to heal and need to go through all these steps. But the human element and emotional side of me is soooooooooooooooooooo TIRED AND DONE with all this. No more touching me, moving me, no more taping my poor right boob down to the side of the table each and every treatment; negotiating my body by the milisecond over onto one side or another. I just want to be a regular person again.......................................
Ok, with that, I also realize NOTHING will ever be the same. I get that. I, too, have changed not only physically but even more inside -- emotionally and spiritually. I am forever changed. In actuality: I love myself so much more than I ever did. I love those around me even more -- whether they believe that or not because some days, I'm hardly loveable. I do promise all this craziness isn't in vain. I cannot believe all that I'm going through is in vain. It just can't be. I cannot accept that. I will not accept this. All I know is I must make something better in my future. I just don't know what that is just yet. Kind of like stating: I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
But that's very true as well. Trying to be patient. It's a daily battle with myself. And still yet, I battle with the forgiveness aspect of my life. I'm getting softer that way, so there is still hope for me.
I see my oncologist next week. That's a double-edged sword for me as well. What I mean is I like my doctor and staff, but I don't want to see him because it's my clear reminder about CANCER. I don't want to hear any bad news. I don't want any negative anything. But logically, at this point, I'm clear and clean inside my body. I'm not sure what other tests will be needed other than certain obvious ones that I am already to deal with -- it's just the unknown for me. I will begin a maintenance drug to prevent CANCER from infiltrating my body again. I pray daily (sometimes more than a few times in a day) that they don't find cancer anywhere else. A person can't help but feel those inner thoughts when one goes through something like this. It doesn't come up often, but I have to admit, it does happen once in awhile. And when it does, I change that thought quickly. It's an evil little thought that I don't want Cancer to have an opportunity ever again to disrupt my life.
As for my letter. I wrote the first draft. And I've re-read it several times with a special few in my life. I still need to clean it up, but I will be sending it most definitively. I have to.
So off I go beginning the weekend on a rather mellow note - I am asking all who can for more prayers, please. My angels have been very, very generous with me. I appreciate all who has stood by my side through these months. I cannot thank you enough. I continue to forward motion! Just like my other sisters and brothers who are going through this journey. There are positive lights out there! I still feel those amazing hugs from time to time. It's a warmth like no other. I am blessed. Sometimes I feel like a blithering fool muddling through -- but what can I say? It is what it is.............And it's going to get better. I MUST! I cannot accept anything else! This is not in vain.
I'm trying with all my might that My Cup's Half Full. When I write, I feel more empowered than before.
This is a wonderful platform for expression and hopefully, sharing -- so someone else can heal and know we are not alone in this bizarre journey.
Ciao, Ciao!
Then there is the daily drives to Vista for my radiation. Apparently, it's very normal for "we" radiation patients to feel pretty cruddy at the end of our treatment stints. My left breast area continues to feel like shrink wrap more and more, but my skin in that region has been looking so great until Tuesday. My upper left chest area and at the base of my neck have turned this lovely shade of deep red. And I'm mean deep RED. I have increased my Miaderm cream for the protection of the skin area 3-4 times daily. Each day my "team" of therapists who radiate me check me over with a fine-toothed comb. They are very diligent. I have seen the doc a few times this week. I have a new prescription cream to begin using this weekend: Silvadene (spelling is incorrect) My poor skin is clean and not oozing anything, thank goodness, but my doc did mention that if it gets worse, she may stop my last 2 treatments until my skin is better. So then I practically fell to my knees begging her! I want this to be over is such a way, I think I would consider selling a body part! I know, the dramatics -- but physically, I know I can get through this. It looks worse than it feels, although, it is very uncomfortable. No kidding -- I have to sleep a certain way, avoid sunlight, be very careful in the shower and bath, careful with clothing -- you name it, I have to watch it so as not to scrape anything. Gross! Anyway..............Back to the discussion with the doctor. She obviously is thinking of the big picture for me and my recovery. I could end up with some major infection if the skin breaks down too much. So this weekend is a big weekend of extra prayers for healing! A big weekend. Once again, I am calling on my troops for healing. I don't know if I can convey or articulate enough how emotionally drained and physically worn I am right now to anyone. I feel like I've been pretty much mauled by a crowd. A crowd of what is the question -- just mauled.
Yes, I am strong; yes, I can do this, but I need a BREAK. I NEED AN END. Perhaps, in the not-so big picture, I'm whiney -- oh, well. I think I'm entitled. I don't like that word too much: ENTITLED, but that's my honest to God feelings. I want this done. I'm sure my poor family has had quite enough as well. I realize intellectually that I need to heal and need to go through all these steps. But the human element and emotional side of me is soooooooooooooooooooo TIRED AND DONE with all this. No more touching me, moving me, no more taping my poor right boob down to the side of the table each and every treatment; negotiating my body by the milisecond over onto one side or another. I just want to be a regular person again.......................................
Ok, with that, I also realize NOTHING will ever be the same. I get that. I, too, have changed not only physically but even more inside -- emotionally and spiritually. I am forever changed. In actuality: I love myself so much more than I ever did. I love those around me even more -- whether they believe that or not because some days, I'm hardly loveable. I do promise all this craziness isn't in vain. I cannot believe all that I'm going through is in vain. It just can't be. I cannot accept that. I will not accept this. All I know is I must make something better in my future. I just don't know what that is just yet. Kind of like stating: I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
But that's very true as well. Trying to be patient. It's a daily battle with myself. And still yet, I battle with the forgiveness aspect of my life. I'm getting softer that way, so there is still hope for me.
I see my oncologist next week. That's a double-edged sword for me as well. What I mean is I like my doctor and staff, but I don't want to see him because it's my clear reminder about CANCER. I don't want to hear any bad news. I don't want any negative anything. But logically, at this point, I'm clear and clean inside my body. I'm not sure what other tests will be needed other than certain obvious ones that I am already to deal with -- it's just the unknown for me. I will begin a maintenance drug to prevent CANCER from infiltrating my body again. I pray daily (sometimes more than a few times in a day) that they don't find cancer anywhere else. A person can't help but feel those inner thoughts when one goes through something like this. It doesn't come up often, but I have to admit, it does happen once in awhile. And when it does, I change that thought quickly. It's an evil little thought that I don't want Cancer to have an opportunity ever again to disrupt my life.
As for my letter. I wrote the first draft. And I've re-read it several times with a special few in my life. I still need to clean it up, but I will be sending it most definitively. I have to.
So off I go beginning the weekend on a rather mellow note - I am asking all who can for more prayers, please. My angels have been very, very generous with me. I appreciate all who has stood by my side through these months. I cannot thank you enough. I continue to forward motion! Just like my other sisters and brothers who are going through this journey. There are positive lights out there! I still feel those amazing hugs from time to time. It's a warmth like no other. I am blessed. Sometimes I feel like a blithering fool muddling through -- but what can I say? It is what it is.............And it's going to get better. I MUST! I cannot accept anything else! This is not in vain.
I'm trying with all my might that My Cup's Half Full. When I write, I feel more empowered than before.
This is a wonderful platform for expression and hopefully, sharing -- so someone else can heal and know we are not alone in this bizarre journey.
Ciao, Ciao!
