TODAY is the day BEFORE my last chemo. I hope this will be forever meaning I never ever have to go through this process again in my life. I'm banking on it. I'm only thinking positive thoughts. I have to -- I must! This is where I am becoming the warrior so many have said I already was. Until now, I haven't felt this determined -- this committed -- this intense in beating this thing. I know I have been doing all I can to fight back in my way. I've been LOVING this cancer to it's death. I've been pushing it diligently out of my body the best way I have been learning -- through prayer, meditation, constant positive affirmations, through sense of humor and only being around loving people.
One of the greatest comforts I've had has been my listening outside of my home to the voices of all the children in my neighborhood playing, laughing, yelling at one another, their constant great YOUNG energy. I found myself giggling, laughing out loud at times because they give me hope. They fuel me with life's great energy. They are fresh and free and enjoying their childhood -- whatever it may be -- they are living. And that's exactly what I want to continue to do myself. I want my life back and to continue to grow more and more as a person (hopefully, a good person -- bettering myself).
Tomorrow at 10:30am - 1pm I will be at my oncologist's office being administered my chemo for the last time! There won't be a big fanfare but I will be meditating and praying and doing my best to allow this substance for the last time to be administered into my body. As it flows through me, I will be visualizing my little space invader ships doing their best to kill off the last of those nasty little cancer cells! They are killing them dead. They must be considering what I have been experiencing in my body. Even though I've had serious side effects, it will be worth it in the longrun. Once again, I do my daily body checks. I cannot for the life of me feel or find the cancer tumor under my left arm. I cannot find it. I've had Jim try to find it. He cannot find it either! WHHOOAAA!!!! Also, the same in my left breast. I cannot feel the mass the way it was. It has shrunk overall. My breast is back down to almost the same size as my right breast. There is a slight difference in size, but OMG, it's so reduced! My left breast is very pliable and soft where it hasn't been forever. Tears do come to my eyes because I know in my heart of hearts I am beating this thing. Yes, I continue to be cautiously optimistic, but I have to allow myself to get excited at the prospect that this cancer is contained. I just "feel" it. I know it to be true.
I cannot fathom that any other cancer is surviving elsewhere in my body. I cannot accept that it will survive due to the fact chemo has been so toxic everywhere else. I pray for CLEAR PATHOLOGY. It will be. It will be. It will be.......................
Tomorrow I will be driven down to Scripp's and will walk in with my dignity in tow -- I will also have my prayer shawls, special spiritual trinkets that make me feel comforted and will go through what I need to in order to continue on my journey forward. I am ready for my surgery on August 29. But first things first. I must finish this...........I will with my head held higher than normal and my step lighter than light!
Ciao! Ciao!
One of the greatest comforts I've had has been my listening outside of my home to the voices of all the children in my neighborhood playing, laughing, yelling at one another, their constant great YOUNG energy. I found myself giggling, laughing out loud at times because they give me hope. They fuel me with life's great energy. They are fresh and free and enjoying their childhood -- whatever it may be -- they are living. And that's exactly what I want to continue to do myself. I want my life back and to continue to grow more and more as a person (hopefully, a good person -- bettering myself).
Through this process, I have found out who truly loves me. I have found out who are my TRUEST of friends. I thank you so much. Yes, I have been disappointed by only a couple, but they have their reasons, I'm sure. But the bottom line is this: those who have shown themeselves to me are so much more important and are worth getting the best of the best in return. It's been said you find out who your true friends are in times of trouble -- I never knew I was so loved. It's humbling and overwhelming. I have people praying for me all over the world. Literally ALL over the world. It's humbling. Once again, I don't know how to thank them all. I guess I do it through my prayers as well.
Tomorrow at 10:30am - 1pm I will be at my oncologist's office being administered my chemo for the last time! There won't be a big fanfare but I will be meditating and praying and doing my best to allow this substance for the last time to be administered into my body. As it flows through me, I will be visualizing my little space invader ships doing their best to kill off the last of those nasty little cancer cells! They are killing them dead. They must be considering what I have been experiencing in my body. Even though I've had serious side effects, it will be worth it in the longrun. Once again, I do my daily body checks. I cannot for the life of me feel or find the cancer tumor under my left arm. I cannot find it. I've had Jim try to find it. He cannot find it either! WHHOOAAA!!!! Also, the same in my left breast. I cannot feel the mass the way it was. It has shrunk overall. My breast is back down to almost the same size as my right breast. There is a slight difference in size, but OMG, it's so reduced! My left breast is very pliable and soft where it hasn't been forever. Tears do come to my eyes because I know in my heart of hearts I am beating this thing. Yes, I continue to be cautiously optimistic, but I have to allow myself to get excited at the prospect that this cancer is contained. I just "feel" it. I know it to be true.
I cannot fathom that any other cancer is surviving elsewhere in my body. I cannot accept that it will survive due to the fact chemo has been so toxic everywhere else. I pray for CLEAR PATHOLOGY. It will be. It will be. It will be.......................
Tomorrow I will be driven down to Scripp's and will walk in with my dignity in tow -- I will also have my prayer shawls, special spiritual trinkets that make me feel comforted and will go through what I need to in order to continue on my journey forward. I am ready for my surgery on August 29. But first things first. I must finish this...........I will with my head held higher than normal and my step lighter than light!
Oh, yeah, bring it on! Can't keep a good girl down! (what song? or is that even the correct words? Sounds good...LOL!)
Oh, yes, I have to acknowledge I just uploaded few more pics because I finally figured it out as to HOW TO UPLOAD pictures onto my blog. I'm so proud of myself. Anyway, this is the good, back and the ugly truth as to how I have changed. It is what it is...My face is full from the Chemo. I've been told I will deflate. I have a few eyelashes & eyebrow hairs left but should be interesting to see if I lose the rest. You should see me trace around my eye's with make-up. Hilarious, but I still do it. LOL. Gotta laugh!
I love you like no other, Jim, for telling me today on our lunch date how much more you love my chocolate brown eyes even though I'm without lashes! When I saw your tears welling up, you melted me. You still give me that feeling in my tummy when I see you drive up or walk in the door. We are a couple of sappy people who refuse to give up on each other; you are the love of my life: THROUGH GOOD TIMES & BAD; IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH!! I love you FOREVER! The world now knows this.......SWAK!
Yes, my Cup is Half FULL. So long CHEMO!
Ciao! Ciao!
