My immediate family had an opportunity to take my mom back up to her home in Northern California over the weekend. California is an incredibly long, long state to drive! We drive to the opposite side of the state in 2 days now. We never drive it in one day. It's simply not worth the exhaustion -- so we try to drive 10 hrs in one day and make it an easy trip the second day.
Mind you, this is the first time to be back in my home town since I was diagnosed. I've had great emotion about going back -- I/we have very deep roots in this community. We have so many friends and acquaintances -- everywhere we go, we know people. It's a good feeling but it can be a little daunting at times getting to and from our destinations because we end up visiting.
I have to say I was like a little kid getting so excited about getting back to where we are from. I couldn't wait to drink the water, feel the cool, cool air against my face and feel true COLD -- sounds a bit odd, but when you have hot flashes the way I do now, it's a great treat to feel "cold." The other cool thing is we know this area like the back of our hands and we can enjoy all the best of the best this area has to offer --- I was so hoping to be able to give back to the local economy -- YARNS!!! Of course that's not the only thing we like to support, but in my case, it's a big deal to get the great yarns from the very cool local businesses.
Before I left for the northcoast, I sent my letter to my former gyno and another letter to the medical society making it attention to their executive director. I knew that the letters could possibly reach their destinations by Friday and/or Saturday (Jan. 7 or 8th). As a brief re-cap, this is the letter that I have been talking about --the one that I wanted to send to my former doctor letting her know what my fate has been since March 16, 2011. A letter that was and is very open and honest as to what has transpired to me and my situation -- the fact I went undiagnosed for all those years living in my former community. I wanted this letter to be one of education, honesty and of true feelings/emotions I've had during this journey. I have to say, I am very proud of my letter(s) to all parties concerned. Once again, I will not be pursuing legal action -- there is no winning in my situation as far as I am concerned. I feel I can be more effective by being honest and open so that maybe -- just MAYBE -- the parties concerned will read and take notice and possibly LEARN and pass it forward into their practices that this won't happen to anymore beautiful and amazing women that live up in my home town. Many people do a lot of talking about "You should do this or you should do that..." but then they never ever follow through. I, for one, am done with hoping it will work itself out. I am a doer and I did this because I care about what happens for others who still live up there. I want to make some kind of impact so that maybe, finally, something will change up there. Symbolically, the SEED has been planted and maybe it will germinate into a flourishing plant that will grow and spread like an invasive vine!
I have prayed and prayed that my letters will not fall on deaf ears or blind eyes. Someone please listen or read and question policies, procedures, etc.
You know what they say: You better be careful what you ask for.........
This is no kidding ~ we were in the process of packing our vehicle to depart from the area. I was in the kitchen getting a couple items in order before I was to walk out and place into my car. The phone rang, my mom answered and then walked over to me and stated to me this call was for me. I was a little surprised because I had said good-bye to my immediate family already......Then I hear a female voice on the other side of the phone -- it was my FORMER gynecologist! She had received me letter and was calling me to hopefully make sense out of what had transpired. She told me she was devastated by receiving my letter~ that she was extremely sorry for what has happened to me and that she wanted to understand further what my words to her truly meant. First off, I was so shocked that she found me. She found me at my Mom's house at that time and at that moment in time. This is why I say it must have been DIVINE INTERVENTION. I immediately needed to find somewhere to sit so I could get focused with this conversation of a lifetime. The most amazing calm came over me. I felt incredibly calm, focused, clear-minded and genuinely interested in listening. My former doctor talked for about 2 minutes straight explaining to me her shock and confusion about all that I had informed her. Very apologetic -- I completely understood ~ I do know it must have been very uncomfortable for her NOT TO HEAR A WORD from me until she asked me a question. I was in no hurry to interrupt. I most definitely wanted her to feel the SILENCE. Sometimes that complete silence at the other end of a conversation can be the most effective. Once again, when she asked me questions, I was able to give her complete, concise and very open and honest answers. I wasn't throwing things into her face; I wasn't being patronizing; I wasn't angry -- I know I was given GRACE. It was so profoundly powerful for me. This grace must have come from my angels that have been guiding me through such heavy times. I've had many a conversation in my head if I were ever given the opportunity to have a conversation with my former doc. How many people get an opportunity to do this when you've been "wronged" the way I have. All I've known was I had to write the letters so I could move forward in my life without carrying this toxicity.
Needless to say, she and I proceeded to have a conversation woman to woman. My youngest daughter witnessed the conversation along with my husband and mom. They stated that it was like watching the "old wise one" who was able to give words of wisdom when it was needed. My intentions were clear -- all I wanted was for her to listen to my request that she BE PRESENT for her patients and that she go the extra mile for her patients. She was very apologetic; I know she was listening -- she was living her nightmare as a doctor and I realize this. I didn't need to remind her of this fact. I did let her know about what I have been experiencing without going into too much detail because it was all said in the letter to her. I know this was a moment in her life that she will never, ever forget -- and I'm glad! I think our conversation lasted 20 minutes. But I finally had to tell her I needed to go -- we were getting in our car before she called. It felt so right for me to end this conversation. I had said everything I wanted to say. I have such great relief I cannot tell anyone how wonderful it feels. I have no regrets; I don't have to hold onto ill-will any longer and I am finally FREE! Oh, what a feeling this is and has been since I've been home from Northern California. The further we traveled away from my home town, the better I felt and still do. I do care for my friends and former neighbors and colleagues, but my life is here with my family and new friends and neighbors. I have no ill will up there, I have CLOSURE! It's a beautiful thing! I still have more challenges ahead, but at least I have this horrible toxic subject closed! I will always pray for my sisters up there! Always! The seed has been planted ~ maybe there will be changes.
You see, My Cup's Half Full! It's worth being positive! It's worth it! I don't believe in harboring ill-will feelings and carrying around hatred! NO WAY! I'm ALIVE AND WELL! HEAR ME ROAR!
Mind you, this is the first time to be back in my home town since I was diagnosed. I've had great emotion about going back -- I/we have very deep roots in this community. We have so many friends and acquaintances -- everywhere we go, we know people. It's a good feeling but it can be a little daunting at times getting to and from our destinations because we end up visiting.
I have to say I was like a little kid getting so excited about getting back to where we are from. I couldn't wait to drink the water, feel the cool, cool air against my face and feel true COLD -- sounds a bit odd, but when you have hot flashes the way I do now, it's a great treat to feel "cold." The other cool thing is we know this area like the back of our hands and we can enjoy all the best of the best this area has to offer --- I was so hoping to be able to give back to the local economy -- YARNS!!! Of course that's not the only thing we like to support, but in my case, it's a big deal to get the great yarns from the very cool local businesses.
Before I left for the northcoast, I sent my letter to my former gyno and another letter to the medical society making it attention to their executive director. I knew that the letters could possibly reach their destinations by Friday and/or Saturday (Jan. 7 or 8th). As a brief re-cap, this is the letter that I have been talking about --the one that I wanted to send to my former doctor letting her know what my fate has been since March 16, 2011. A letter that was and is very open and honest as to what has transpired to me and my situation -- the fact I went undiagnosed for all those years living in my former community. I wanted this letter to be one of education, honesty and of true feelings/emotions I've had during this journey. I have to say, I am very proud of my letter(s) to all parties concerned. Once again, I will not be pursuing legal action -- there is no winning in my situation as far as I am concerned. I feel I can be more effective by being honest and open so that maybe -- just MAYBE -- the parties concerned will read and take notice and possibly LEARN and pass it forward into their practices that this won't happen to anymore beautiful and amazing women that live up in my home town. Many people do a lot of talking about "You should do this or you should do that..." but then they never ever follow through. I, for one, am done with hoping it will work itself out. I am a doer and I did this because I care about what happens for others who still live up there. I want to make some kind of impact so that maybe, finally, something will change up there. Symbolically, the SEED has been planted and maybe it will germinate into a flourishing plant that will grow and spread like an invasive vine!
I have prayed and prayed that my letters will not fall on deaf ears or blind eyes. Someone please listen or read and question policies, procedures, etc.
You know what they say: You better be careful what you ask for.........
This is no kidding ~ we were in the process of packing our vehicle to depart from the area. I was in the kitchen getting a couple items in order before I was to walk out and place into my car. The phone rang, my mom answered and then walked over to me and stated to me this call was for me. I was a little surprised because I had said good-bye to my immediate family already......Then I hear a female voice on the other side of the phone -- it was my FORMER gynecologist! She had received me letter and was calling me to hopefully make sense out of what had transpired. She told me she was devastated by receiving my letter~ that she was extremely sorry for what has happened to me and that she wanted to understand further what my words to her truly meant. First off, I was so shocked that she found me. She found me at my Mom's house at that time and at that moment in time. This is why I say it must have been DIVINE INTERVENTION. I immediately needed to find somewhere to sit so I could get focused with this conversation of a lifetime. The most amazing calm came over me. I felt incredibly calm, focused, clear-minded and genuinely interested in listening. My former doctor talked for about 2 minutes straight explaining to me her shock and confusion about all that I had informed her. Very apologetic -- I completely understood ~ I do know it must have been very uncomfortable for her NOT TO HEAR A WORD from me until she asked me a question. I was in no hurry to interrupt. I most definitely wanted her to feel the SILENCE. Sometimes that complete silence at the other end of a conversation can be the most effective. Once again, when she asked me questions, I was able to give her complete, concise and very open and honest answers. I wasn't throwing things into her face; I wasn't being patronizing; I wasn't angry -- I know I was given GRACE. It was so profoundly powerful for me. This grace must have come from my angels that have been guiding me through such heavy times. I've had many a conversation in my head if I were ever given the opportunity to have a conversation with my former doc. How many people get an opportunity to do this when you've been "wronged" the way I have. All I've known was I had to write the letters so I could move forward in my life without carrying this toxicity.
Needless to say, she and I proceeded to have a conversation woman to woman. My youngest daughter witnessed the conversation along with my husband and mom. They stated that it was like watching the "old wise one" who was able to give words of wisdom when it was needed. My intentions were clear -- all I wanted was for her to listen to my request that she BE PRESENT for her patients and that she go the extra mile for her patients. She was very apologetic; I know she was listening -- she was living her nightmare as a doctor and I realize this. I didn't need to remind her of this fact. I did let her know about what I have been experiencing without going into too much detail because it was all said in the letter to her. I know this was a moment in her life that she will never, ever forget -- and I'm glad! I think our conversation lasted 20 minutes. But I finally had to tell her I needed to go -- we were getting in our car before she called. It felt so right for me to end this conversation. I had said everything I wanted to say. I have such great relief I cannot tell anyone how wonderful it feels. I have no regrets; I don't have to hold onto ill-will any longer and I am finally FREE! Oh, what a feeling this is and has been since I've been home from Northern California. The further we traveled away from my home town, the better I felt and still do. I do care for my friends and former neighbors and colleagues, but my life is here with my family and new friends and neighbors. I have no ill will up there, I have CLOSURE! It's a beautiful thing! I still have more challenges ahead, but at least I have this horrible toxic subject closed! I will always pray for my sisters up there! Always! The seed has been planted ~ maybe there will be changes.
You see, My Cup's Half Full! It's worth being positive! It's worth it! I don't believe in harboring ill-will feelings and carrying around hatred! NO WAY! I'm ALIVE AND WELL! HEAR ME ROAR!
