It's been over a week now since my 3rd chemo and I finally feel like I can share what has been going on with me.
The 3rd treatment went well. My red and white cell counts were very good and in the higher range they need to be. I started out with a bank of red blood cells and I have used some of the bank which is what we expect. There is nothing I can do to prevent my body from using up these extra cells. The chemo, as you all know, is very toxic and uses the good cells and bad cells. So it's doing it's job. But I'm still in the the really good range within my blood cells are concerned. I'm not in the lower end. But being the sensitive being that I am I feel when my body is out of balance. My white cells are really good. Once again, nothing I can do to change this; just keep on eating my clean foods -- organic is the way, but I'll be very honest, when I feel like I want a powdered donut, I will take a couple bites to satisfy that "yen." But it's really not that often. I really am carnivorous! I am a red meat freak for the first time in my life. I've always steered away from major meats, but I would have a filet ever so often or a few bites of prime rib. But now, since the chemo, I am a freak about my red meat. So I've been trying different cuts of buffalo, tri-tip, very lean ground beef. Then I'll have lamb, fish, lean pork. I love my pork. But the red meat is a major craving. It's my body. I'm listening big time to it. I do want vegies too, but most of the time it's steamed or in soups. I don't eat salads the way I used to at all. I find it's very difficult to digest. Turns out I'm right on the money. I really don't need to have salads(raw) currently if I don't want just because of the difficulty of the digestion process. But it's whatever I want. I am doing the best for my body and still using the common sense approach without going totally over the top strigent. The body is an amazing machine that will tell you as long as your are truly listening to what it wants. Consequently, I don't do sauces, major spices at all or complex flavors. They simply don't taste good and it's difficult for me to digest. And I'm finding out my digestion is also very key.
I have so much more energy this go around than I have in the past 2 chemos. It's more than likely due to the fact not recooperating from surgeries. All surrounding my port issues. Thank goodness. My right arm is still not functioning properly so I have to find a Lympodema PT specialist who can give me the proper type massage and compression work I need. My surgeon wants me to have this done close to home so I don't have to be on the crazy freeways down here getting to my PT twice a week for 6 weeks. But I'm having a very difficult time finding my PT person. You would think with a demographic of over 200,000 people there is going to be someone here. But I will find them next week at this point. It's the Memorial Weekend and no one is around at this point. But I was so surprised with the new hospital here, Loma Linda and their lack of information for me. I was basically brushed off and left to "find it on my own." Which, frankly, is a bunch of crap. So if I can't find anyone here, I have been instructed by my doc to contact them back and I will simply do the drive and go to Scripps and continue with their expertise. I don't have the tolerance for this. I need to get my poor veins redirected back into their normal state of being so the blood can flow properly through my arm and ultimately get to my heart. The body works extra hard when it's not functioning. And I need to keep my energy at it's best so I don' hit the wall.
This portion of my blog may bother some of you, but this is simply to keep it honest and real and it may help someone else realize they are not a freak or this is normal course of business while on chemo. It's not meant to gross anyone out. And if it does, be responsible and skip this part.
By Monday of this week, I obviously have a consistent issue with my body by the 4th day of each chemo. My body wants to purge the chemo. My intestines are working fine and they want to purge. The only problem is that they cramp up so big -- it feels like I'm being disemboweled. You think I'm exaggerating? Hell no! I now know true humility. I was alone in the house when it hit. The pain seared through and then stopped midway through and continued to build with the pain. It literally takes my breath away (and not in a good way). Of course, I'm working on my breathing and relaxation; however, in this case, it doesn't work. The body wants to do what it wants to do. So my body begins to sweat profusely then go into chills. Talk about prayerful moments of pleadings! OMG! I realize I might pass out. I'm getting that hearing issue and lights are beginning to happen. I've already had my moments before passing out onto the ground and fracturing my nose; so all I could think about was getting to the floor. And, yes, you got it, there are other issues that want to come out simultaneously. But one has to do what one has to do. I got to the floor, but I was so weak I was forced to lie down completely. Yes, prostrate myself completely in order to try to stop the spasms in my intestines. Once they stop for a bit, I could only crawl. Yes, crawling. Crawling all the way to my family room so I could get to a phone. Oh, did I mention I didn't have a phone with me? Of all times. That won't happen again. Anyway, I get to to the couch pull myself up and get the damn phone. Call Jim. I wasn't panicked or even scared, just needing assistance through this. I waited for a few more minutes on the floor and when I felt strong enough and no more spasms I was able to get up. I had to go back to the bathroom unfortunately. So I got myself there. Finally my chemo poop came out. The stuff is nothing like anything one has normally. So toxic. The good news is it's a good thing to purge it out of the body. Dear God, does it have to be so dramatic? Geez. Upon finally finishing this whole ordeal, I was able to stagger (yes, stagger) to the nearest couch in my formal living room and spread out completely while waiting for Jim and Ash to arrive. I felt as though I had run a marathon and I was completely exhausted. So there I lay till my hubby and daughter got home. They got me fluids cuz I was a bit dehydrated. They are so supportive and yet not alarmed. I was ushered back to bed where I stayed for 5 more hours. I slept on and off and ate ever so often when I would wake up. What a freaky day. Next day rolls around I was fine! Good energy, I was able to go out and do some errands and be apart of the living and productive human race. Those little joys help me out so much.
My oncologist cut back one of my chemo meds to tailor it more so I wouldn't have mouth sores. Isn't that cool? Stopping the sores without losing the potency to attack the cancer? Pretty cool my doc is so flexible. I love that about him and my oncologist nurse, Regan. Awesome. Anyway, instead of mouth sores, I now have had for the past 5 days is a coating in my mouth and tongue. It's reminiscent of when you have a high fat content ice cream coat your mouth completely. So when you put food into your mouth it's coated immediately and one cannot taste a thing. I had lost my tastebuds. It didn't hurt. It was simply awful not to be able to taste anything. So I was relegated to bland diet stuff. I had made my homemade chicken noodle soup, which saved me. I ate scrambled eggs and white toast; I ate cream of wheat with blueberries. Oh, yes, that's the other thing, I haven't eaten white bread in literally 30 plus years. But since chemo has started, I eat it on a regular basis. It's soothing on the belly and easy to digest. Reminds me of the days when I was a little girl up in Humboldt County and Big Loaf Bread was the staple of our house. I would peel off the crust and then squeeze the white portion of the bread into a ball and eat it this way. Totally yeasty and doughy! Oh, those were the days! LOL.
Yes, I've lost a little more weight. Not a lot, which is a good thing. I'm NOT trying to lose weight at all. I know I need my fighting weight. I have 3 more chemos and I'm trying to prepare myself for the worse because one never knows how your body will ultimately react each and every time. I also realize that the chemo can build on top of each treatment. Hey, as long as it's doing it' job! I want and demand shrinkage! I visualize this all the time. I keep on seeing it do it's job and having it's ultimate war with the cancer.
Ok, so there is more that has happened this time. Keeps my rather dull life a little more interesting with the inconveniences of chemo. I now have a fungus in both of my armpits. WTF? In my armpits? How, why, when..... They turned a lovely shade of dark red/purplish. No open sores, just itchy and burning. Contacted the do and they told me to apply Lotrimin -- athlete's foot cream-- makes me feel so sexy all over. ARRRRGGGHHHH. It's helping and it's in the process of leaving my body. Apparently, this is a common occurence when one's immune system is compromised. So now I also use Dove Sensitive, unscented soap. Has moisturizers in it as well. No more perfumy type cleansers and/or body washes. The good news is I didn't get a sun rash this time or break out in major zits this time.
Hey, get this: My hair is sprouting back. I have black/brown stubble all over my head. Wow! I think it has to do with the elimination of the Adrimycin out of the chemo cocktail. That's cool. Should be interesting to see how it comes back in. But I don't dwell on that aspect of my life for some reason.
I am very content wearing all my scarves and hats and bandanas. I keep a variety of looks available for myself. So far so good. I have this cool scarf now from a dear from that has peace signs all over it and it's very gauzy and cooling. I also have a t-shirt that has a peace sign on it as well, so I'm seen out in public sometimes with my "peace" energy going on. Oh, well, I have to have a little fun. This weekend I want to go get my Harley Davidson Bandana! I really want one. I don't even ride, I just like the attitude about it. Keeping it fun and light. I don't like taking myself too serious these days at all. Before this is over, I will be out in public without a hat or scarf. I know that's going to flip some people -- oh, well. Get over it. It's my pretty little noggin. And I love all the earrings I'm wearing as well. Since I cannot hide behind my hair, I might as well accent what I have left. I make a big effort now to put a little makeup to accent my eyes. I still have my eyebrows and the majority of my eyelashes. Yes, there has been some thinning, but it looks like I was perfectly waxed without the ripping. I'm totally NUCLEAR! And I think I might even glow in the dark! LOL
Each day I am getting stronger. This go around with the exception of Monday has been pretty forgiving. I can deal with whatever is being thrown at me. However, I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture here. I have my emotional moments still. Not nearly the level it was like my 2nd chemo. Oh, dear gawd, I didn't lose it like I did last time. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This time I only had spasms in my right ovary that lasted 4 days. (randomly) I can take that much better knowing I'm not a total freak.
Did you know we as humans release an enzyme from our bodies when we are stressed that causes us to cry?
Apparently, I've been burying a bit of my stress and that is why I will randomly cry. I don't try to stop it because it's so unhealthy to do that. There is a reason why we cry. Our body is releasing the toxins/stress that have built up. You know, like when steam blows off? That's what our bodies are doing. That was a cool little tidbit I wanted to share so for those who feel out of control when they cry -- don't try to stop it. Let your body purge it. Once again, I cry randomly. I even cried at chemo. I was missing my daughter, Amy, so deeply -- I could feel it all the way in my womb. I simply lost it. I didn't do the ugly cry, but I wept. Jim sat there encouraging me along -- so did Ashley. I know they are my unsung heroes. They tolerate so much. That is why we all talk a lot and clean the closets so-to-speak because it's difficult being a caregiver -- day in and day out. Everyone is doing their daily living, working, paying their own bills, raising kids, dealing with life -- meanwhile, I sit in limbo and my job is to get well. I feel like life is passing by. I will get on the other side of this. However, the reality is the here and the now. I do embrace the simple things probably even more than I ever did. I used to have colleagues or people in my life that would make comments how I seem to embrace the simple things in life. You have no idea how much more I do now. I love listening to the birds outside my windows of my bedroom or family room. I love watching them play. I love observing people even more now -- don't know how that's possible, but it is. When I smell something so delightful it truly sends me to my happy place. I especially love it when my hubby hugs me or someone looks at me in my eyes. I love it when I have a hand massage. I will never make excuses for this ever. If it makes me happy, great! It's just that simple. I know I will do something after all this in the real world -- still don't know what, but I will be fine.
I'm so excited today cuz I get to go out to a friend's wedding reception. I can't wait. It's like my field trip for the day. I'm resting and drinking my fluids so I can be bright and not sluggish. I really don't know a lot of people there, but that's never been a problem for me to be at a public event among strangers. It's sunny, light breeze and I get to be on a mini date with my hubby. It's going to be fun.
I think I've blabbered long enough. I know it's hard to visualize how I really am. If it weren't for my baldness, you really couldn't tell that there is an issue. I walk talk and don't slink and pull my shoulders foward. I still walk with energy in my step -- make not at big but still have that energy. That means a lot to me. But when I'm fatigued, I'm not walking a lot. It kicks my butt. So I listen. I'm listening!!!
The shrinkage continues, thank God! Please keep us all in your good thoughts, prayers and good energy.
I do feel them. It's amazing. Amazing.
Keep all our Veterans in your prayers and their families this weekend. They have paid the ultimate price and we cannot ever forget that! That is why we are Americans and that is why we have our freedoms. I get so choked up when I think how often we take so much for granted in this country. It's because of our Vets. I, personally, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! And I could never be as brave. It's very humbling.
Happy Memorial Day!
Ciao, Ciao
