Today I had my 2nd to last chemo treatment. Thank God! But getting there, I sure had my typical preparation issues I've had pretty much with each and every chemo...........I get very "heady" and think about what I could experience or may not experience -- since I have these vein issues, it's been stressful for me to just walk in and accept all that is happening with each and every insert of the needle into yet another different vein. It's not the doctor's fault NOR the oncology nurse's fault. It's the chemo! It such toxicity going into my veins. So I anticipate, which is crazy.
It's the control freak in me, once again. I use different positve affirmations reminding myself this is something I cannot control. All will work out; this medicine will do it's job in the cells it needs to work on -- which it has. So I manage to get myself in a place of serious thoughts; but thank goodness as we drive down to La Jolla I always have the music blaring to tunes that make me motivated or relaxed. It really depends where I'm at with my emotions at that moment. I'm an ecclectic music lover -- it can be from head-banging music to major melodic sounds. Who knows with me. But whatever it takes, we play.
By the time I arrive, I'm focused and somewhat relaxed. But once I have the opportunity to visit with the office staff and my "core team" I'm good to go. I can really relax in the environment I get to have my chemo. I have windows to look out and the chairs are very comfy; it's very clean and sedate, which I need. I also bring with me very pivotal special items with me each and every chemo treatment. I have my prayer shawl, my special coins, spiritual stuff. It brings me support. Each of us have our way of dealing with our stresses. This has worked for me. I also bring my computer, phone (which I only text with. I don't call during chemo). I have choices to read books, etc. But honestly, I have no sense of concentration of words for any length of time so I look at magazines when I feel like it.
I get to recap what my last 3 weeks have been like with the doc and nurse while the nurse is administering all the plethora of drugs into my body. (via the IV) I cannot tell you how important it is for me to be able to download all this information to the nurse and doc and confirm that this is all part of the process with chemo.
I did have a lot of water gain this last chemo -- 6 lbs to be exact! SUCKS BIG TIME. So I will be using a diuretic for the next month, which is temporary. Thank goodness. I will have to up my potassium levels with my foods, which is no problem. A lot more fruits and fruit juices. I have cut out the Gatorade even though I water it way, way down. Still has too much sodium for my body. That's fine, I can add organic fruit juices to my water to keep it interesting. But I drink so much water now, but I will conitnue to keep that priority drink number one.
Doc told me we will need to revisit me being able to travel up to my home town after my last chemo cuz he wants me to have my surgery within 3 - 4 weeks (no longer). That blew the wind out of my sales somewhat, but I understand. I have to get this cancer out of me soon. I don't want to be resting on my laurels and I certainly don't want to give Cancer a chance to invade any other locations. I will have to have a CAT scan before surgery in order for the surgeon to map out all the locations they will need to either surgically remove cancer or check out for further infiltration of cancer. (A huge pill to swallow thinking about it. Kind of freaks me out, but it's necessary. duh.)
I brought up the subject of radiation and we had a pretty frank discussion as to what I will need. I get the honor of having radiation for 6 weeks -- 5 days a week. Yup, intense. He has only about 3 radiation doctors that he "trusts". I will most likely go to a doc out of Vista -- love that area. We will discuss further realities, but that's where I may end up. But we'll see. I have not been misguided by my docs whatsoever and I want and require the best medical treatment possible -- also considering my level of cancer. No playing around with this. But I must say, I didn't freak out at all, but I can see how this is going to beat the crap out of me. 6 weeks -- 5days a week. YIKES!! I've been told radiation can kick you in the butt even more so than chemo. But the good news is, at least I know what areas now will be radiated. My chest, my left breast area, my axillary and possibly up by my neck area. But we'll see on that one. A lot. A lot. My prayers continue to get bigger. Oh, well, I need prayer. So back to the here and now.
Over the next 4 days are my days of sloggy feeling and fatigue; but one never knows how I will truly feel, but have learned to be prepared for the worst. By Monday, I'm at the mercy of my body's mechanics but I think I have this finally conquered.
I pray and pray and pray my veins hold up for the last 2 chemos. At least I know if something goes awre I will have the tools to use with the contrast therapy with ice/heat for 25 minutes total. That really helped with this phlebitis this last chemo.
My family is kicked into healing mode right now and are doing their tag-team roles amazingly well! I love them so much and cannot thank them enough for their constant love and support. My youngest daughter will be arriving in August and I cannot wait for her arrival as well as the arrival of her hubby a few weeks later. I will feel very complete and ready to face my surgery knowing they are all present. Like I've said prior, I cannot do this alone. I don't know how many women out there do it. They are my heroes. The inner strength to carry on no matter what. The relying on oneself! You are the rock stars to me. My prayers include YOU in my prayers.
One story I must share -- a short one.
Yesterday I had finished my PT therapy for my right arm. I was leaving the bathroom and coming out the door entering into the waiting room. There stood a little, skinny, very sick/cancer patient wearing her mask and completely BALD like me. She had the longest scar on her little tiny, skinny arm I think I have ever witnessed. Our eyes locked. I mean LOCKED. Immediate smiles -- I could see her eyes turn hopeful. She waived the cutest waive with her little fingers at me. I said a rather loud and spontaneous gleeful, "HI THERE!" It was like seeing a long-lost friend. We were immediately bonded for that moment in time cuz of our "likeness." I told her I hope she will do well. She just nodded.
At that very moment as I walked out, I felt such emotion and overwhelming pain in my heart and soul. No child should have to experience this Cancer or any serious illness. Children have such an amazing understanding that WE adults need to remind ourselves to listen to. They accept and conquer. I may never see her again, but for that moment I understood her situation. I just wanted to take her into my arms and hold her -- maybe cry together, maybe not; but I wanted to tell her all will be ok and you are loved! I will always remember her and I will reflect back and remember to keep my issues in perspective. This was no accidental meeting -- my angels and my God are working very diligently to remind me: Lynn, you will be ok; and my life is coming back to me soon enough. Always keep hope and love and gratitude in one's heart.
Wow, I my Cup's Half Full and I'm listening!!!
PS: HAPPY 4TH OF JULY UNITED STATES!!!
Ciao, Ciao!
