What Now? Yet Another Hiccup...

Never under estimate the power of your immune system.  I do believe I did too much recently, but am testing the waters. Anyone would be if you have been segregated from the rest of the world for weeks on end.  Monday, my daughter and I did a few errands -- no big deal, right?  Well that depends on what it is, of course.  We did happen to go to a Goodwill outlet in Temecula -- not a good idea.  The moment I walked in the place I noticed there were a lot of people milling around the goods within the store.  I walked further into the store checking out things for my daughter yadda, yadda, yadda.....Bottom line, there she was, a sniffling, sneezing SICK female spewing her germs everywhere because SHE HAD TO BE THERE FOR THE GREAT DEAL OF HER LIFE.........Yeah right! One can tell I'm really tollerant of people spreading their germs everywhere.  Anyway, I walked out of the store immediately got in the car and left. 

Was out a day or two later as well, then I got my flu shot because now more than ever, my immune system is compromised.  Perhaps, I'm hoping that my immune system wouldn't be affected so easily -- boy, am I wrong, wrong, wrong....................

I woke up at 3am yesterday morning with body aches, muscle spasms, etc. Very uncomfortable.  Put myself into a tub to help relax my body. That seemed to help a bit.  Took a couple Ibuprofen and went back to bed.  I rolled around for a couple more hours -- so it was around 5:30am by the time I finally started to be able to go back into what I call  a light sleep.  Either way, that was the start of my day. I finally got up around 8:30am and took care of myself -- eating breakfast, feeding dogs, etc.  I rested a bit but had a lot of laundry I knew I needed to get to. Everyone else was gone out of the house doing whatever they needed to be doing.  Had a couple of bouts of the "runs" which was no big deal till the 3rd time around.  I will spare the gorey details, but suffice it to say it was a moment that could have come out of a comedy movie scene.  Jim came running in and quickly turned around and left me alone to deal with what I needed to deal with.........Isn't that lovely?  Oh, the joys of bodily functioning.  Gotta have comedy from time to time, but during the runs?  Really?  ARRRRGGGHHHHH! Oh, well, such is life..

By early evening, I had 100.9 degree temperature.  Now, in my world of post chemo, that is still not good.  And it's amazing how lousy one can feel with that temp.  Needless to say, I put myself to bed, got a tepid washcloth and placed it on my head & neck.  Due to my compromised immune system, the docs want me to take antibiotics for the just-in-case because in my situation it can turn bad so quickly it can make your head spin.  And, yes, I realize, antibiotics are for when you have bacteria infections, but once again, if you are a cancer patient with a compromised immune system, those rules go out the window apparently.  I get it now.  Pisses me off, but I understand it. 

I get frustrated, yet again, due to the fact I find myself in a "weakened" state which I don't want to be in.  Of course, I have and will take care of this by "being a good girl" and rest.  But now I have to stay in and stay away from neighbor kids because we all know they are walking petri dishes -- not their fault, but that's the facts of the matter. Now, the other night we had our neighbor kids over for a couple of hours due to their dad needing to borrow our BBQ because their BBQ was broken.  One child is 5 years old and the other is 10 years old.  This, too, could have been why I got a fever. Not their fault, but goes to show how sensitive and susceptible I am to germs.  Wow!  Sucks the big one if you ask me.  But that could have been another reason why I got sick.

I also know that chemo has settled into my joints and periodically I get aches and pains and my muscles react to this as well. So either way, this is what happened to me last night. 

The good news is I slept really well.  Got up one time and quickly went back to bed and back into a deep sleep.  Woke up at 7:30am.  Wow, pretty good.  No fever this morning which is great. But in my case a fever can reoccur in the afternoon. So we'll see.  So I plan on keeping my fluids way, way up today and eat/sip clear fluids and keep my diet very bland. It's supposed to be around 102 degrees here today.  Great!  So I will be kicking on the AC to be sure to keep comfortable and not suck it up trying to save on the power.  Imust be comfortable. 

My darling hubby will be having a minor surgery as well tomorrow on his carpal tunnel wrist/hand and then a scope on his elbow on the same arm. We are going to be the dynamic duo!  Bless his heart. He's had to put this off for so long due to his employment commitments over the years.  Nevering having the time to be able to take time and be down for days on end. Well, now he can and I thank GOD he's finally able to get it done.  We have our daughters and son-in-law who can take care of us with food and whatever else we need. But I'm still able to do things, just not at the level I would like. 

My hair is getting so much longer. And I'm grey with salt and pepper throughout my hair.  I find it pretty.  I doubt I will be coloring my hair, but we'll see as it grows out. What's really impressive are my eyelashes -- they are coming in thick.  Sooooooooo thrilled.  My eyebrows are coming in too, not as thick, but they look really good.  I love, love, love having my eyelashes protecting my eyes again. And I don't look so alien like.  I think within a couple more weeks, I might even try placing some mascara on them.  Time will tell.

I haven't heard back from the radiation office, but I'm sure I should hear something by Friday.  Needless to say, it's going to start soon and I will be onto the next chapters of this journey.  I'm not afraid or concerned.  I'm in good hands and I continue with my prayers and positive thoughts -- meditations.  Have to. It's simply a part of my life. I need to begin my yoga. Beginning to record yoga classes.  So off I'll go soon, I hope, but I realize I'm limited to my bending cuz of my expanders in my body/chest. However, I still stretch and do other exercises.  Exercise is key!

The Cup's Half Full!
Ciao, Ciao 

Radiation in my near Future

So much has happened in just a few short days.

I had an appointment down in Vista to have a consultation with my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka.  Their office is located 1/2 hour away from Murrieta.  Very easy to find.  The office staff was very welcoming and very professional.  They took my vitals and my blood pressure (BP) was up a little bit -- no SH--!  I get this way when I go into the unknown.  I'm so ridiculously sensitive at times, but I guess, that's ME. They expect it -- so I was told.  I've been told that I have the white coat syndrome -- YES, I would agree.  But overall, my BP is low.  Anyway, my nurse that I will be seeing on a regular basis was quite the little spit fire. Really cute and very knowledgeable.  She did a thorough Q & A with me regarding my health history.  She explained to me that my aches and pains in my joints are normal after going through the chemo treatment I've experienced.  (Thank you God, it's not that I'm getting older.........)  I've also had issues with my feet -- when I first get out of bed, as an example, my feet hurt/ache as I walk.  Takes a few feet  before everything seems to be working properly.  Apparently, this, too, is due to the chemo.  I already know my hands and body are still holding fluids; I still cannot wear my wedding ring -- this is CHEMO.  Chemo lingers in the body for months afterwards. Isn't that nice?  At least I know why this is happening.  Onward......

My nurse asked me about how I found out about my cancer diagnosis. I explained my story, which brought her to tears.  Everytime I tell someone in the medical profession down here about my story, they are shocked. 
The fact of the matter is I'm more grateful that I was diagnosed down here rather than where I lived before.  It's not to say there aren't good doctors up in Northern California, but I do know I'm in an area where I can get to great medical care quickly and have choices.  I will come back to this particular subject later.......

Within a few minutes of my first meeting with the nurse, in walked my new doctor. She's an adorable woman who has the kind of eyes that can look into your soul.  She most definitely pays attention when she is in your presence. First impressions are wonderful.  She's brilliant.  Not arrogant, just the real deal.  Isn't it ironic, I have been blessed with such expertise since the beginning of my journey. I guess, my God and all my angels insist that I get a break considering how it all began.  I'm not arguing with this at all.  I know I am blessed with all these experts. And, to me, more amazing is that they work as a team. No big time egoes here at all!!!!! How refreshing.

My doc began by introducing herself and then sitting down on a stool and scooted up closer to me and asked my how I was doing considering what I have been going through. I looked straight into her eyes and answered, "I think I'm doing pretty well overall -- but honestly, I guess I haven't viewed myself as going through as much as you have just stated."  She was taken aback by my reply, I'm sure.  She continued on and told me that she had taken a while to view all my films and reports, etc.  She told me that from what she viewed and read, she knew I have been through a lot and that my first breast MRI was "very scary looking."  I think it was those words that resinated with me to my core. When I saw my first set of MRI scans, they reminded me of a horrible weather storm.  I described it to her that way and she nodded in agreement then stated, "That is a very good way of describing your tumors."  Then once again, she asked me how I came to discover about my cancer.  I told her of my years knowing I had dense breast tissues and that I had been diligent about my self-exams and mammograms, etc.  As I explained my history to her, her eyes were very fixed on me and then I saw the tears to begin to swell in her eyes. She, too, was saddened to find out I had never been diagnosed until March 16, 2011.  She told me she saw the growth of cells in my 2006 films. When I heard her words OUT LOUD it brought back those feelings of frustration and emotions. My tears fell once again. Couldn't stop for awhile. I had to dig deeper just because I wanted to continue to explain my history. And, I also, didn't want to waste anymore negative energy on the fact the proper tests could have prevented this situation I find myself now involved in.

So we got down to business discussing in great detail what I can expect and why I have to have radiation. She went into great detail about all the side effects that can occur and what I realistically can expect.  They will contact me next week to set up the appointment so I can get "mapped out" -- all my areas that will be radiated. There will be 3 specific areas of my left side of my chest that will be radiated and from different angles.  Once the mapping is done, she will do fine tuning on the exact measurements and make any appropriate modifications if needed.  I will then have to come in again for a "dry run."  I will be placed on a table where they will test the beams -- but it will not be radiation.  The following day I will come back and begin treatment. The treatment will last approximately 15 minutes total.  The actual radiation lasts only 2-3 minutes.  In and out --- done. I will have 28 treatments.  This will last between 6 & 7 weeks -- 5 days a week.  I should be finished at the beginning of December.  I will not lose my hair or get nauseated. I may get tired -- needing a nap or rest. I may experience like a severe sunburn.  Other side effects can occur, but this is a very basic overview. 

Oddly enough, I have no fear regarding this procedure.  I feel strongly that if I can survive chemo, I most certainly can do radiation.  The doctor stated that I may not see any effects till 3 weeks into the treatment. 
I plan to continue with life forward and do what I can on my own time to counteract any potential effects. I plan to walk more and go about daily life -- cuz it goes on -- life goes on!  I want to move forward. But I'm not unrealistic to think that all is perfect, because nothing is perfect.  I'm still healing from my surgery. I still have issues with my energy from that. I'm still needing rests.  I still have to be mindful that I cannot move quickly.  But I'm doing well with being mindful.

After my appointment, I felt completely emotionally drained yet again. Each time I talk about my history these days with a doctor, it brings back a certain amount of angst regarding how this cancer journey came to be.  I have been contemplating writing a letter to my FORMER gyneocologist and her partners so I can have complete closure.  It has been suggested to me that I write the letter -- get it down on paper. Then keep the letter and if I want to send it, then do so; but if nothing else, it puts it down in writing and it gets it out of my head and body.  After doing some thorough soul searching, I have come to the conclusion this is exactly what I need to do for me.  This is not going to be a letter of blame rather it will be a letter of expression of how this could have been avoided.  I want other women especially up in Northern California to have a chance of survival rather than having NO diagnosis happen to them.  There may even be a letter to the editor of the local newspaper as well. I want women to know to question, question, question and keep pursuing without feeling like they don't have choices or rights to question their doctor.  Not only that, question the radiologist.  I had films that were obviously mis-read or not paid attention to!  That is a hard pill to swallow for me and I have to forgive and move on.  That is why I continue to pray, to meditate, to face it head on. 
I am going to rise above this; it's going to take time.  I hope all my readers will encourage their loved ones to speak their minds as well when it comes to their health! WE are our best advocates.  If we hesitate because we think we may step on someone's feet or hurt their feelings -- too damned bad!  It's OUR body -- it's OUR LIFE.

On a final note, I found out this evening that a former high school friend of mine passed away of cancer after a very long battle. She faced her journey head on and with great dignity and fire and love.  I cannot express my complete feelings except I will miss you, Jill. YOU ARE THE WOMAN! YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD. FLY -- BE FREE -- LOVE SURROUNDS YOU.

My Cup's Half Full -- feeling grateful for the love that surrounds me, too!

2nd Saline Fill

Yesterday was the 2nd and final installment of saline into my soon-to-be new breasts.  I had 75 ccs injected into my right breast and 50 ccs into my left.  They are now the size I will have post radiation.
The injections went well with no issues whatsoever. My doctor is always, always, always so very careful as to how he administers the saline -- he doesn't want me to hurt in any way shape or form.  The fact, of the matter, I cannot feel a thing because my breasts are pretty much numb. As I have stated before, my breasts were removed and at that time, they had to cut through nerves. So there are no feelings on the front part of my breasts. I've tried to describe that there are ports under both breasts which are used to fill with saline to increase the size of each breast.  This is the area where it can be very painful.  The skin is thinner there and inflammation has decreased substantially -- so there is pain when I stretch certain ways -- so much so that it brings tears to my eyes. Consequently, I am taking my Percocet today. I usually only take 1/2 of a pill at 7pm; not today. It's just one of those days.

I haven't really written much about how it's so wonderful to have this option of reconstruction.  I'm very happy I made this decision to have it done at the same time as my bi-lateral mastectomy.  Obviously, it cannot all be done at one time, but it helps to have a portion done as I progress through radiation.

I had no idea before making the final decision whether or not to have reconstruction that radiation causes scar tissue to form at the area being radiated.  So the skin becomes quite stiff and hard and almost impossible to stretch.  So it's important that my skin essentially be stretched before the radiation begins so I can have good results for the reconstruction. 

For the first time since all this craziness has begun I'm actually really excited about my new reconstructed breasts.  These days we as women who have gone through mastectomies have choices.
I have met a couple women that had mastectomies a few years ago and opted not to have reconstruction. They now wish they had done it.  The cool thing is they still can have reconstruction.  Now, of course, each woman is different and circumstances may be challenging as well, but the best thing to do is to go in for consultation to see what kind of options one may have.

My doctor's office staff was telling me that there are so many women still out there that don't realize they can have reconstruction.  I find that so amazing.  I also realize that it also could be a matter of insurance issues.   My insurance is picking up a certain percentage, but the rest is coming out of pocket.  I feel I'm worth it, so I'm not hesitating whatsoever.   I did go through a very brief phase that I contemplated that I wouldn't have reconstruction.  I'm so glad that left my thoughts.  It's not so much that I feel inferior without breasts; it's all about the way I view myself as a woman -- for me I want a little curvature especially in my clothes.  I also like the idea that my breasts will be placed back where they belong.  For so long my larger breasts hung lower as I have grown older--isn't that a vision? So many of us can relate, right?  I have never been one to think about plastic surgery to rectify this issue -- wasn't on the forefront of my priorities.  But since this cancer and the fact I was losing them, I felt it a great option for me to exercise.  Finally, my lightbulb in my head went off and realized that, "Wow, I'm going to have prettier boobs now than I had before."  I think I'm amazed at the beauty of my skin. It's really in good shape, Thank God!  My doctor has stated I have good genes!  LOL! I'm not embarrassed to say that I agree with him.  In the end, I will end up with what I want:  small, perky breasts and I'm delighted with the outcome so far. They are not perfect. As a matter of fact, they are out of round currently, but like the doctor keeps on telling me, he's going to make them beautiful for me after radiation.  They are a work in progress.  But honestly, they look pretty good now, they just need to be "tweaked" a bit more.  There is some excess skin and he has to rebuild nipples and areola and do a little lipo suction under my right armpit, etc.  This is going to take up to a year to have finished.  Remember, I'm still healing from my surgery.  I will have to heal again from radiation, etc. It's a process.  I'm in no hurry.  All I really want is to be cancer free the rest of my life.  Bottom line:  HEALTHY!!!

Tomorrow I will finally meet my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka.  I look forward to having a thorough conversation with her. She's supposed to be really on top of her game, which I like hearing.
I'm onto the next phase of this journey.  At least I'm on the other side of it! Thank you God! And Thank you to all of you who continue to support me and my family through this journey. 

My Cup's Half Full and blossoming! No, I won't be flashing anyone anytime soon.  Well, maybe my hubby or closest girlfriends!  (Tee-Hee.....)