PHEW! This DAY Passed......

I just have to share that today was a good day.  After I planted my rose bushes, I was so exhausted from the digging part and fighting with some of the so-called "rocks" we have in the soil, I came into the house and collapsed into my chair.  As I rested, my whole perspective on the day finally changed.  It's so weird how intense my emotions were and am half embarrassed by it -- but it's funny when one is sleep deprived how ridiculous one's perspective is. 

Then, I received a phone call from my youngest daughter.......She then asked how my week had been.  One thing, we JOHNSON's do is talk very openly now about our emotions.  And they made me promise to talk with them. But I forewarned them that "you better be careful as to what you ask for." 
So I opened up to her and told her what I have been "feeling" leading up to yesterday.  And, once again, when I finally was completely honest I was able to get past whatever the heck was eating at me inside.  And, yes, I have to admit, I really, really feel such relief. 

As the night progressed, I was enjoying my family time -- yes, I made that wonderful meal and they loved, loved, loved it -- as did I.  I retired for the night and slept like a baby. Only woke up twice but no big deal -- went right back to sleep.  I was unconscious and no dreams last night.  Just slept deeply.

I wake up today and was ready for today's adventure down to San Diego with my family.  And what a day we had.  My daughter had to have a medical test; as I waited, I was able to knit like a crazy fool. Loving every moment of it. (FYI- her medical test didn't hurt and went really well). ANYWAY..........

We went to a coastal restaurant after her test and celebrated.  Nice place and had a chance to enjoy the seagulls and harbor seals. Made me feel a little homesick for the Northcoast.........But I still lov the weather down here so much better.

Today has been a good day overall and am looking FORWARD and not BACKWARDS any longer. 
It's supposed to rain all weekend and am looking forward to getting some rain!  So Cal is lacking big time in that department.  I want to nest!

I'm hanging in there and doing fine and looking forward again.  I'm so lucky to be alive and well.
I know the prayers and good wishes are coming through big time.  I feel it! I feel it!  And, more importantly, I know it.

Ciao, Ciao

What is Wrong with ME?

I feel the need to write today due to the fact tomorrow, March 16, 2012, will be the first anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  Some would say that this day may be one of celebration and others may say this may be a day of sorrow.  All I know in my heart is that I feel so sad. 

How can this be?  How can I be feeling sad when just last week I got the fantabulous (my word - fabulous and fantastic wrapped into one word) news that I'm cancer free.  I have been so happy and relieved all at the same time; however, I also knew this anniversary was coming up and have been trying to put it out of my mind. I just want this day to go by and not have another thought about it.  But, once again, I am ME and I have a tendency to over-think things, I guess.  Perhaps, I haven't been busy enough -- I sure have been trying to keep myself busy everyday and try to have a sense of norm.

I also had 2 appointments scheduled today with my oncologist and my general surgeon (just as a follow-up).  I woke up about 4am this morning thinking about the day ahead, etc. It was just eating at me about what could be said at the doctors' offices today. I had this epiphany of sorts that I simply don't want to see another doctor until I get past this anniversary. I just want a sense of freedom from doctors.  I'm so sick and tired of my life being wrapped around the next doctor's appointment.  I'm sick of it.  I know it may be my immature or denial of sorts not facing another doctor's visit -- even though there is good news.  I'm so sick and tired of these doctors.  So I called both doctors' offices today and rescheduled. 

I have a sense of relief for now even though next Thursday I will have to go to these appointments. It is what it is, but I just needed this week to get over with.  Tomorrow I do have plans to be out of the area with my family -- we have appointments down in San Diego for my daughter. This will be a good distraction because it will not be about me.

When I was running some errands this morning, I was feeling sad quietly to myself.  I had parked near a business I had to go into when I saw these 2 women who are in their twilight years walking  out of a salon.  They both were having a regular conversation with one another as they departed the business. Then suddenly one of the 2 women reached out for the other one's hand and took it into hers.  You could see they were dear friends just caring for one another as they walked off.  It struck me, once again, how wonderful life can be with dear friends -- reaching out to one another and being there for one  another.  It showed me again, how important it is to show the ones you love or care about that life goes forward no matter what else may be going on in our lives.  Make the most of your life and appreciate what we/you have. 

Apparently, I haven't been near my close friends of late, but they are always in my heart and in my thoughts.  I spend a lot of time by myself, which is a good thing -- but sometimes it can be very lonely.
I'm not complaining because I do have such a wonderful life here; but sometimes I wish I had my friends close by to let them know I care about them.  Thank goodness for the cell phone where you can text them and say a little shout-out ever so often. I don't want to bother anyone at their places of business, but at least they may have a little message ever so often that I'm thinking about them and that they are in my heart.

The good news is tomorrow will come and then go away.  And I can't wait for that. Tomorrow I will be busy with my family and that will keep my mind off this stupid anniversary.  As I have said a lot in the past years:  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  And it is very true. I have gotten through so much this past year.  How can one day in my life upset me to this point?  How do I let this time go by because of the way I might be feeling?  Seems rather a waste to a great degree, but the fact of the matter is, my life changed forever on that date.  It has... Good, bad or indifferent -- it has changed.  I guess I just have to feel these emotions and then be done with them. I want to throw them into some crater because it's really not like me to waste time on something that has already occurred.  I know this is a normal experience I'm going through and may not be the last. But thank goodness I can write it down, get it out of my head and go on with the rest of my day. 

I plan to make a lovely dinner for my husband and daughter.  I also plan to treat us to some sort of bad-for-me dessert. I frankly don't care if they are empty calories, fatty or whatever.  But for now I will indulge, enjoy and have no regrets!

The only thing I regret is allowing this Cancer journey to get me down today.  So I am going to turn it around and be happier in spite of it!  As I have been told many moons ago:  Kill it with kindness.  So I will.  Then later, I will laugh about this day, possibly shake my head and close the door on this chapter, I hope, forever. 

I think I'm going to go plant some rose bushes I have sitting out in my backyard waiting to go into the ground.  I love this time of year.  I love the "new beginnings" of life. Perhaps I just found my happiness again -- go plant my bushes.

Onward!  Tomorrow will come and go and I'm happy to report I'm still around and getting healthier each day!  I guess we're never too old to learn and appreciate!

Ciao, Ciao!

GOT MY PET SCAN RESULTS

I have an extremely short blog tonight:


I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!  I AM CANCER FREE!!! OH, DID YOU HEAR?  I AM CANCER FREE!!!

That would be me yelling from the tops of the mountain top in Civita D'Antino, Italy!!!  HEAR ME ROAR!!

Oh, yes, MY CUP'S HALF FULL!


CIAO, CIAO!!

Long Time NO BLOG!

I thought I should get back on the site and say a few words as to what has been going on lately.  I haven't been on due to not taking the time to write down my feelings.  Plus, I don't like to write when I don't feel inspired in some way.  I do have to admit, I often wonder WHY does anyone really care what I have to say anyway?  But from the beginning this platform has been solely for the purposes of getting my emotions out of my body since I was diagnosed. 

I have an anniversary coming up regarding my diagnosis.  It will be one year as of March 16 that I found out I had breast cancer.  I have to say, I'm not freaked out by this anniversary at all. I don't consider this day one of celebration rather one of awareness and a stark reality that, I, too, am like so many others that unfortunately had to begin this road of HEALING. 

If you have followed me all along the way, Congrats to you!  You, too,  have experienced some of the trials, tribulations, fears, love, and new found freedoms I have shared along the way.  Grant it, I haven't written ALL that has happened or has changed in my life for the simple fact it's simply too private to share.  This forum goes out all over the world and I was once told that if you cannot write something on the social media that all can read freely without causing you great worry or concern, then you better not write it at all.  So I'm comfortable with what I have shared and I'm also very, very comfortable about which I have chosen NOT to share.

With that, so what has Lynn been up to since the last blog?

I've been trying to get into a regular routine of sorts for myself -- whatever that means. I simply don't know where the day flies by -- before I know it, I look at the clock and it's 3pm or 5pm or 7pm. Amazing how time is flying, but I don't believe I'm wasting my time. 

I have to admit, I cuddle with my dogs each and every morning (most mornings anyway).  Woody, my big Chocolate lab "assumes" his position on the bed.  Of course, I have his special blankie so as not to spread his lovely hair everywhere.  He's a special guy because he really doesn't shed like so many other labs we've had over the years.  The Yellows really shed big time.  We had a black lab for years, Bacardi -- Cardi for short-- who didn't shed that much either.  Either way, I take no chances and keep Woody's blankie ready and available upon his entry onto the bed.  Chewy, my little guy -- he's a Morkie (Maltese, Yorkie mix). He's 7 lbs now and still likes to cuddle big time. Of course, he assumes his position tightly up agains my neck.  I still am amazed at how he can roll up like a little ball.  When he's completely warm and cozy, he stretches out like "dead dog" with his little legs stretched out like a stiff board. Pretty funny to see.  Either way, that's how I start my day. 

I usually go to PT to work out twice a week.  I'm on a special program to get me jumped started back into to an exercise routine.  I asked for this assistance because I hadn't worked out for so long and also, I was wanting to safeguard my heart since it was radiated on the lower lobe.  This has proven to be a very good avenue for myself because my PT -- Dr. Rey, has been there watching my every move.  I'm monitored and pushed to move forward. It's also helped me to get the confidence again in my ability to get that heart rate back up there.  I still experience a little light-headed activity after I've had a big workout. When I bend over to stretch -- as I lift my body back into the upward position, sometimes I get light-headed.  So I have to pay more attention on my BREATHING.  My PT is all over me about my breathing.  It's going to take time, but I am proud as to how I'm bouncing back and getting stronger.  I have a ways to go, but at least I'm at the point where I feel stronger and more confident.  I haven't begun on weights as of yet.  I have a lot to learn about my potential to get lymphodema.  I'm a little hesitant to tug and push using my left arm (this is where I had 18 lymph nodes removed from my armpit - axillary). Although yesterday I was out in my backyard attempting to plant 5 pink Jasmine vines up along my arbor area. This so-called "soil" we have here in Murrieta, really is a joke. It's hard like cement because it's ground up granite and sand. Horrible, horrible stuff.  I can't even call it earth.  It's just muck.  So it's quite the workout as one can imagine for the simple act of attempting to dig a hole for a plant.  I was able to get only 2 of the 5 plants into the ground.  But what a workout.  Wow!  It felt great but I couldn't help wonder if this is going to cause me lymphodema.  So I stopped pushing it. I did my best as I could for now and will get my ever-so-faithful hubby to finish the job for me.  I love, love, love to garden.  It's also a zen-like experience for me.  Recently we planted a huge fruitless olive tree out in an area of our back side yard that will be part of a courtyard we will begin to build soon.  This tree is so majestic.  I love it. We will bring in a couple more similar to it to balance it out in the landscape. 

OK. Now, I'll talk a little more about how I'm fairing regarding doctors' visits.

I just had a PET Scan at Scripps 1 week ago ( February 24, 2012).  I know I should be used to all the testing and other rigors that are expected of me. For me, it's like a double-edged sword. I want to know but I don't want to go through the tests for the simple anxiety of it.  Sounds strange maybe to some, but for ME I get a little anxious at the prospect there might be more cancer to be found.  Now, having written this down/saying it/admitting this, the logical side of me says, "How can cancer possible be there when my last PET scan came out clear as a whistle?  How can it possibly live in me when I was chemoed out and radiated almost to death?  How can this be possible?"  I think it's a very normal process to wonder and concern oneself with the prospect it can still come back even though my type of cancer wasn't/isn't aggressive.  The docs all tell me this is very normal and I will get more relaxed about it as I get further out FROM my treatments.  The more a normal routine I get the better it will be for me. I know I probably wouldn't be feeling so much this way if I were working at a job currently because I would have better things to focus my attention on. That's why I keep myself very busy doing whatever I can to be as normal as possible and not to focus on my health so much.  Yes, I still have to take care of myself -- I have changed so much in my lifestyle, which has been a great thing.  But when one has relevancy in one's life, it makes one feel normal.............AW, NORMAL. It really does feel so good to be feeling stronger, healthier and alive.  I have to say, each day it does feel more normal for me -- whatever that is anymore, but it does.  I only have issues when I have to go see a doctor. I have to laugh about that because it's not like I'm being hurt physically -- it's just I don't want to hear any bad news.  There~  I said it!  I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY BAD NEWS. I simply don't want to hear it.  NO, NO, NO.  It's like this pendulum that swings from one extreme side to the other with me.  Once again, I've been told this is very normal to feel this way.  I have to say/write, that I'm always relieved completely once I admit this is how I feel. My poor hubby --- he listens to my angst a lot of the time once I admit my true feelings. Thank GOD for my hubby.  He's so strong for me.  He listens and then hugs me big time.  And then he has the audacity to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful!  Wow!  how can he believe that?  LOL!!  You know, beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder!  And I'm so lucky to have my mate loving me this way.  It makes all this craziness get put back into perspective.

One would think I would be having issues regarding the loss of my breasts.  Now, I'm going to be point-blank honest here:  I DO NOT MISS MY BOOBS!  I simply don't.  I think I did a good job of divorcing myself from them when I had to face that decision. But more importantly, for ME, cancer was inside my body and I wanted it out! So the trade-off has been fine for me.  I really like how my tops fit on me now.  Yes, I'm still a work in progress considering I'm not fully "reconstructed" yet, but I still like the major reduction.  I still have to heal COMPLETELY inside and out of my body before my doc will do the final surgery.  I find it a little funny that I still have bras in my dresser drawer when I don't and can't use them!  LOL!!  It's  yet another final phase I have to get through in order for complete healing, I guess. Oh, well.  Maybe today will be the day I finally get rid of those bras with no purpose.

Overall, I'm a happy camper. As long as I'm moving forward. I like the foward motion of life very much! I refuse to feel sorry for myself because there is no need for that nonsense. I know I'm blessed and am one of the luckiest people on this earth. And  I also don't take naps any longer!  I'm a big girl now!  Gotta laugh about that one. The simpliest of things that thrill me..........Whatever, right?

I have more to say, but for now I think I've purged enough. As I sit here writing on my laptop,  I hear my birds singing outside happily in my tree which is yet another reminder why I'm so happy, too!   It's the simple things in life that wrap me up with love and warmth.  Life is all around us -- enjoy it and treasure it. Sounds cliche?  Oh well, I'd rather spend my life smiling a lot more than with worry and sorrow.

Today, I have more planting to do outside, so I'm going to go do that and then we will head on down to UCSD to watch Humboldt State Men's Basketball in a tournament with some friends who are visiting. Can't wait to yell and scream and carry on! 

I would most definitely say my Cup's Half Full! 

Ciao, Ciao!