It's Gunna Be a Great 2012!

I had to write something before 2011 ends.  I have a couple of things that I wanted to chronicle before I forget.

Since the last time I wrote, I have seen my radiology oncologist for a skin check regarding my burn area on my chest. To her horror, she saw my skin. She was extremely apologetic that I've had to endure additional pain considering the road I've been on up to this point.  When we decided to continue forward and finish my radiation treatments, I had only 2 left.  I begged her to let me finish and not make me come back after Christmas.  My skin had already been compromised and I knew it.  So did everyone else.  There is NO BLAME here whatsoever.  I have NO regrets going forward and finishing my last 2 treatments. But wow, it has been a road of recovery.  One cannot imagine how ugly, disgusting, gross and down right awful it is to have a 3rd degree burn in an area that is thin and very exposed. Once again, I consider this such a learning experience for me to appreciate others sufferings. I'm not the only one who has suffered. There are millions of people out there that are suffering much worse than I. This whole ordeal with Cancer is a learning experience for me to pay attention and gather new understanding. 

I can't tell you how many times I hear "I know my troubles are nothing compared to yours. OR I shouldn't be complaining because you have it so much worse than I do."  Here's the deal:  There is no one upsmanship at all for what we go through. WE ALL have challenges we go through in our lives. Mine happens to be dealing with Stage 3 Breast Cancer.  I'm on the healing side of it now.

THANK YOU MY ANGELS, MY GOD AND ALL WHO PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY!
My point is I hope and pray for additional understanding and can continue to live a truer and more honest life than I have before.  I do want my life back and to be looked upon once again as a regular person who is intelligent, relevant, productive and loving in this life we live.  I don't want those looks of, "Poor Lynn."  I do understand people don't know what to do or say sometimes,  I get that.  But I hope people will look past this.  That's my prayer and wish. It's going to take time.  Once again, yet another lesson in life.  I am continuing to walk forward and finding my new voice in all this journey. 

My letter that I wrote a few weeks ago will be going out to my former gyno tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing myself place that letter in the mailbox for delivery. As I place that letter in that blue slot, I know I will be giving it up symbolically.  I have been very honest in this letter.  It's not a letter of hate whatsoever. Rather, it's a letter of hope for change in the way she may look at her patients.  I hope she will read and find understanding. True understanding.   Some friends have mentioned to me that I should take this to the next level -- suing the doctor(s).  I have said to them:  NO WAY!!!!  If anyone has ever gone through the legal system -- you better be very, very prepared emotionally and monetarily.  No one wins really.  At least from where I'm coming from for my situation, I don't feel it would help ME or my family in anyway.  If nothing else it's a road of resentment and of NEGATIVITY that I don't want in my life at all.  It's easy for some to give their opinions when it doesn't affect them. I, for one, will not pursue any legal action -- that subject is CLOSED and not up for debate. 

My days have passed rather quickly recently while dealing with my burn area. The doctor was correct that one day I will wake up and will have turned a corner in the healing of the affected area. That has finally happened for me. I still slather loads of Silvadene on my site area (6" by 8" area) I have customized a few of my t-shirts to expose my area so air can access my chest.  When I go out of the house, I place 5 Telfa Pads on the area to protect it while I wear my regular clothing. Right now the clothing has to be very loose and thank goodness we have great weather down here so I can wear the lighter clothes. But it's not good to cover up my burn area. I'm supposed to keep it free and open. Yes, I stay inside a lot. If I go out in the sun, the Silver in the Silvadene turns grey.  Yes, you guessed it -- it's a mess.  Temporary, but a mess.  We as a people will complain about inconveniences all the time, well, this has been my big time inconvenience. But at least today I feel better and have more energy because the pain isn't as great. Oh, yeah, and my Percocet really helps this! No worries -- I'm not addicted to prescription drugs.  But I am taking full advantage of pain relief.  I now believe in heading off the pain!  I don't have to suck up anything anymore.  That attitude has changed significantly. My family has been all over me to make sure I do keep on my regimen-- keep ahead of the pain.  Until one has gone through a similar situation, no one can relate.  Suffice it to say, I hope by next week, I can reduce my medication intake significantly. 

Speaking of drug intake, I have officially begun taking my anti-Cancer drug called Letrozole.  Funny thing, it has an "L" imprinted on this itty-bitty pill -- so now I call it my Lynn Pill.  I know the "L" is for Letrosole, but I like calling it Lynn Pill.  I will be on this pill for the next 5 YEARS.  Once a day keeps the Cancer away...........Kinda like: An apple a day?  Whatever..................

2012 is going to be so much better on so many levels..........I wish you all a Happiest of New Years.  Living life to it's fullest is my motto! Going to get back into shape and hopefully, look finer than fine! LOL!! We'll see.  I still have some challenges, but at least I can see the light better now. Take a deep breath in and then EXHALE!!! 

Keeping the Cup Half Full.........Yay! 

Ciao, Ciao

Blessed Christmas Season 2011

For many this time of year can be challenging or down right awful.  I think there are some that for me and my family this time of year must be very challenging. I don't and WE don't feel that way at all.
As a matter of fact, we consider ourselves very blessed. Yes, I've had some major challenges especially right now recuperating from the radiation burn which seems endlessly here. But the fact remains, I am on the mend. I am going to be back probably stronger than I've ever been in my whole life...... So I don't think this is an awful time. 

Today, I simply want to wish all the most beautiful of seasons. I hope this is the begining for new and brighter futures.  None of us know when our time here on this earth is over, so why not seize the moments and/or days.  Even if it's for a few minutes at a time, there has to be something that makes a person smile or have a warm feeling inside. I always hope that for others. Always have - that's something that hasn't changed in me.  That continues to be my wish. 

I still feel I'm the luckiest person considering how the cards have been dealt in the last few months. My family continues to love me so much even when I'm far from being lovable.  We are stronger than ever and I can't thank them enough.

My true, blue friends have shown me and given to me much more than I can ever understand.  I had issues -- big time trust issues before.  I don't have those same feelings as I once did. I have learned that if I ask a little -- just a little, they are there for me no matter what. I feel so lucky to have my friends in my life. They help make me a better person because of their love.  THANK YOU!

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Season's Greetings.

Ciao, Ciao!

Post Radiation - 1 week later

What a week of challenges yet again.. I guess I was under the false impression, once I finished my part in all these treatments that I would somehow be "free" from anymore challenges.  This is certainly not the case. I had been warned that my reddened, burned skin would continue to come to the surface.  Once again, I continue to learn, learn, learn.  Yes, my skin has turned to a new level of burn. My surface burn has grown in it's size. The heat generated is amazing.  I didn't allow myself to think about the way my skin / body would react to this radiation completely -- didn't want to face it obvsiously.  I guess I was too busy focusing on "being finished with all this...."  Wow, when will I ever learn?  My skin looks scary to me right now. Frankly, it's so gross to look  at and deal with. I have to place Silvadene heavily onto my skin to help it heal and protect it.  What a mess it is.  My clothes are in the way of it's healing -- rubbing on the upper chest area.  So then I place non-stick guaze pads over the nastiest part of burn. Its very raw and "glossy".  I can't help but think about burn victims ~ the excruciating pain they must suffer.  This 6 - 9 inch area affected is nothing by comparison to other's burned areas, but wow, it takes one's breath away from the pain it generates.  I know I'm not exaggerating this point. It's so raw and vulnerable -- my burn area, that is. I make an isotonic solution to help calm and clean my burn area.  I have a clean cloth placed on the affected area 10-15 minutes at a time.  It does help and give me a sense of relief for a short period of time.  Due to this constant attention on my burn area, I do not go out of the house as much as I would like. I'm a bit afraid of the exposure and too much rubbing of this area.  It's a mess.  I have customized a couple T-shirts and cut out a portion of the chest area away so I can have air get to this burn so I may have it heal better. If there is too much "moisture" kept in this area, it makes it worse for me and the healing process. Kind of a catch 22 of sorts.  But I keep plunking along and doing my best to try to heal.  It's going to take time ---  I am always working on my patience regarding my healing time.  I guess I have no timeframe to be anywhere, it's just that I want to do things. I have desires and goals to be among the living. It doesn't help it's the Christmas season with so many activities going on around me.  I have been told over and over by my doctors and family that I must continue to heal.  I get that. I understand this. It's my human emotions surfacing big time. Thank goodness I knit and crochet and cook a bit (must be careful with the heat factor around my chest or potential splashing on my wound); I continue to love on my dogs, but must hold back so I don't get paws accidentally coming in contact with my chest area.  ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!  Ok. Enough of this.  This may be oversimplified but this does stand true:  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.   Just a little while longer. Right?  I'm alive and cancer free. 

The other new thing that has begun:  I will begin taking a new pill for maintenance post cancer treatments. It stops estrogen production for cancer. I have some other challenges to meet in the next few months, but right now I have to get my hot flashes under control, then I will begin taking this pill. It has its share of side effects as well. I hope I won't get any but that's unrealistic.  The biggest thing I need to do is continue to exercise and keep my body limber. I just can't work out the way I want to right now. Once again, the catch 22; but I will do what I CAN in the meantime.  Clean living and clean foods are the priority as well.

Today, I'm going to bake some cookies and bring smiles to some around me.  I haven't baked in a long time just because I don't want the extra temptations around -- to heck with that philosophy!  I'm going to enjoy this process completely and with great gusto this year.  I know my family and friends, too, will enjoy my cookies.  I have to say, I can bake a mean cookie when I do allow myself to have fun with it.  LOL!! The new year is still over a couple weeks away -- so what the heck -- munch on a few cookies and have that big satisfying flavor envelope the soul! In the words of Rachel Ray:  YUMMO!  Love that word, by the way!  It says it all.

For now I'm inconvienced, but I have to keep the faith and hope that in the next few days I will see better progress in my healing. I continue to ask for prayers, positivity and overall good thoughts for me and my family.  I still feel the love from others.  It's amazing and I thank you all.  Once again, I am blessed.  Just have to let this out of me.  Thank goodness for this kind of platform.

I wish all a wonderful holiday season.  My Cup's Half Full -- I just need to continue to move forward! No looking backwards!  No way! 

Ciao, Ciao! 

The LAST DAY OF RADIATION!

I'm not sure that this is a true RE-birthing experience, but maybe it is?  Today I feel like the cacoon I have been encapsulated in was finally broken through and out came a newer and hopefully freer Lynn and maybe a better Lynn.

My morning was a very busy one -- I had been on the phone with a friend I have been very concerned with. We spoke a lot longer than I expected -- so my hubby had to remind me that I had to get on the road to my radiation appointment.  I hadn't eaten any breakfast yet because I simply was behind all morning -- I slept in till almost 9am which is not my customary time. I'm an early riser, but I guess the radiation is making me really tired.  Either way, my day began with a bang.  I was ushered to the car and off we went. I still was very excited by the prospect of this day.  I'm finally HERE!  I'm finally over these treatments -- ALMOST.  As long as it has seemed, it still has gone by rather quickly.  Time does fly.  We are all so busy in our lives, we forget how precious our time truly is.

I let a few of my special friends know I was on my way to final treatment. We had my music on as we jammed on down the road.  No issues on the road today. Smooth sailing.  I feel like my angels were guiding us through  with perfect precision.  Awesome feeling.

Got to my radiation center, brought in my gift of a huge platter of cookies for the staff.  I got hugs and thanks -- good grief, they are thanking me. I feel I'm the one that should be giving thanks!  They are all a part of the team that have helped save my life.  I told them all  one by one. I think I shocked them. One therapist told me that she has never had a patient tell her this.  That was a bit of shock to hear.  I feel that they are not only doing their jobs -- they are making differences.  They matter and are relevant -- just as I am, but they have helped me.  I will forever be grateful.

I waited because my particular radiation machine was having some "issues" so that put us back a bit time-wise.  Wouldn't you know it?  On my last day, I needed to be there the longest.  Ok.  I can deal with this.  Finally they called me. I skipped down the hallway!  Yes, I did!  Just like a kid!  I skipped.  I had to giggle to myself. Who really cares?  I was gleeful, so why not skip?  That's what I did has a kid when I was happy.  I know the obvious -- NO, I'm not a kid, but I felt like one.

My first therapist I had came and got me to escort me to my final treatment.  All smiles and hugs.  They were congratulating me all the way till they got me onto the table. Then they had to go back into their concentration mode making sure my measurements  were lined up perfectly.  Each and every treatment is the same. Then they did their final taping of my right breast onto the table.  I will NOT miss this part ever again!  Oh, yes, and the music was Christmas Themed!  My very favorite old time classic singer: Nat King Cole!  Oh, my gosh, it was so perfect.  As I laid there while the beams were doing their thing, the Nutcracker came on.  It was even more perfect.  I went to my happy place in my mind for the remainder of my time.  Before I knew it -- I WAS FINISHED!  Tears of joy.  No ugly crying, must the happy smiles and tears of joy.  The crew all told me they were so very proud of me and that they didn't want to see me under these circumstances ever again!  I said, "No problem!"  I don't want to see you either this way!  I will; however, see them from time to time as I come back every three (3) months for my follow-up care.

I don't have an appointment with them till the end of January 2012!  So excited.  It's hard to imagine life now without some sort of treatment.  But I'm up for the freedom!

We went out for lunch to a really good rib place in San Marcos. I had a couple little pieces and was thrilled and very satisfied.  Then after lunch, off we came back to town.  I had a chance to rest for about an hour and a half before my family whisked me off to a surprise dinner.  I ate lobster for the first time in a very, very long time. Both my daughter's were there along with my Mom and husband. The only person missing was my son-in-law, but he had to fly back to Italy this evening. He was greatly missed, but we knew this was going to happen so we made sure our final days together were fun and filled with a lot of laughter!  We are so blessed that our son-in-law is such a great person.

So far I haven't had any time to think about anything............I plan to sleep in a bit and possibly take a walk tomorrow with my Mom and youngest daughter.  Not sure where the road is taking me, but I do have an appointment this Thursday with my oncologist.  I imagine we will be starting soon on maintenance drugs to keep cancer away.  This is over simplified but I know I have a lot of discussions with my doc about my future;  we'll see what happens. I will also be seeing my plastic surgeon in about three (3) weeks. I still have healing time, so I won't be having surgery for maybe a couple more months.  But that's just an assumption on my part. 
I'm not sure what the road holds for me. All I know is I'm so very grateful to be alive and doing well. I still have a burn to contend with on my upper chest, but I have been assured there won't be scarring. YES!
It does look awful, but it could be worse.  In the meantime, I continue to put Silvadene on it and take care of it.  And I will continue to take care of myself and begin my true road to complete healing.

My Cup'd Half Full and I'm a FREE Woman!  FREEDOM! (At least for now!)

Ciao, Ciao! 

I'M ALMOST FINISHED WITH RADIATION!!!!

What a week it's been for me (and family for that matter!)  A lot of trying times have been enjoyed by all due to my body's getting maxed out by the radiation beams.  I've been still sick with this sinusitis infection (which really doesn't help matters at all!) Then there's the lovely nagging dry cough.  When I start to feel like a human being again, I go back a couple steps with more nagging congestion.  I swear to God as my witness that I'm doing everything in my power to make sure to take care of myself.  My poor family is watchdogging me as well trying to keep everything very clean and disinfected. The virus has managed to go through the family.  Jim and I sound like dueling hackers (coughing, that is). What a picture, eh?

Then there is the daily drives to Vista for my radiation. Apparently, it's very normal for "we" radiation patients to feel pretty cruddy at the end of our treatment stints.  My left breast area continues to feel like shrink wrap more and more, but my skin in that region has been looking so great until Tuesday. My upper left chest area and at the base of my neck have turned this lovely shade of deep red. And I'm mean deep RED.  I have increased my Miaderm cream for the protection of the skin area 3-4 times daily.  Each day my "team" of therapists who radiate me check me over with a fine-toothed comb.  They are very diligent. I have seen the doc a few times this week.  I have a new prescription cream to begin using this weekend:  Silvadene (spelling is incorrect) My poor skin is clean and not oozing anything, thank goodness, but my doc did mention that if it gets worse, she may stop my last 2 treatments until my skin is better.  So then I practically fell to my knees begging her!  I want this to be over is such a way, I think I would consider selling a body part!  I know, the dramatics -- but physically, I know I can get through this.  It looks worse than it feels, although, it is very uncomfortable.  No kidding -- I have to sleep a certain way, avoid sunlight, be very careful in the shower and bath, careful with clothing -- you name it, I have to watch it so as not to scrape anything. Gross!  Anyway..............Back to the discussion with the doctor.  She obviously is thinking of the big picture for me and my recovery.  I could end up with some major infection if the skin breaks down too much.  So this weekend is a big weekend of extra prayers for healing!  A big weekend.  Once again, I am calling on my troops for healing.  I don't know if I can convey or articulate enough how emotionally drained and physically worn I am right now to anyone.  I feel like I've been pretty much mauled by a crowd.  A crowd of what is the question -- just mauled.
Yes, I am strong; yes, I can do this, but I need a BREAK.  I NEED AN END.  Perhaps, in the not-so big picture, I'm whiney -- oh, well. I think I'm entitled. I don't like that word too much:  ENTITLED, but that's my honest to God feelings.  I want this done.  I'm sure my poor family has had quite enough as well. I realize intellectually that I need to heal and need to go through all these steps.  But the human element and emotional side of me is soooooooooooooooooooo TIRED AND DONE with all this.  No more touching me, moving me, no more taping my poor right boob down to the side of the table each and every treatment;  negotiating my body by the milisecond over onto one side or another.  I just want to be a regular person again.......................................

Ok, with that, I also realize NOTHING will ever be the same. I get that.  I, too, have changed not only physically but even more inside -- emotionally and spiritually.  I am forever changed.  In actuality:  I love myself so much more than I ever did.  I love those around me even more -- whether they believe that or not because some days, I'm hardly loveable.  I do promise all this craziness isn't in vain.  I cannot believe all that I'm going through is in vain.  It just can't be. I cannot accept that. I will not accept this.  All I know is I must make something better in my future. I just don't know what that is just yet. Kind of like stating:  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
But that's very true as well.  Trying to be patient.  It's a daily battle with myself.  And still yet, I battle with the forgiveness aspect of my life.  I'm getting softer that way, so there is still hope for me.

I see my oncologist next week.  That's a double-edged sword for me as well. What I mean is I like my doctor and staff, but I don't want to see him because it's my clear reminder about CANCER. I don't want to hear any bad news.  I don't want any negative anything. But logically, at this point, I'm clear and clean inside my body.  I'm not sure what other tests will be needed other than certain obvious ones that I am already to deal with -- it's just the unknown for me.  I will begin a maintenance drug to prevent CANCER from infiltrating my body again. I pray daily (sometimes more than a few times in a day) that they don't find cancer anywhere else.  A person can't help but feel those inner thoughts when one goes through something like this. It doesn't come up often, but I have to admit, it does happen once in awhile. And when it does, I change that thought quickly.  It's an evil little thought that I don't want Cancer to have an opportunity ever again to disrupt my life. 

As for my letter.  I wrote the first draft.  And I've re-read it several times with a special few in my life.  I still need to clean it up, but I will be sending it most definitively.  I have to. 

So off I go beginning the weekend on a rather mellow note - I am asking all who can for more prayers, please. My angels have been very, very generous with me.  I appreciate all who has stood by my side through these months.  I cannot thank you enough. I continue to forward motion!  Just like my other sisters and brothers who are going through this journey.  There are positive lights out there!  I still feel those amazing hugs from time to time.  It's a warmth like no other.  I am blessed.  Sometimes I feel like a blithering fool muddling through -- but what can I say?  It is what it is.............And it's going to get better. I MUST!  I cannot accept anything else!  This is not in vain. 

I'm trying with all my might that My Cup's Half Full.  When I write, I feel more empowered than before. 
This is a wonderful platform for expression and hopefully, sharing -- so someone else can heal and know we are not alone in this bizarre journey. 

Ciao, Ciao!

I Wrote The Letter!

You may be asking, "What letter?" 

For weeks now I've written about a letter I, personally, must write to express my feelings about not being diagnosed or properly treated by my previous gynecologist.  This is an oversimplified explanation for my writing, but needless to say, I have needed to do this so I can move forward in my recovery and not be so angry.  I've had this letter in my head for weeks now. I've been going over and over with the emotions and words I've wanted to say.  But for some strange reason, I couldn't or wouldn't take the next step in simply writing down my words onto paper and/or write it on my laptop. 

I had a meeting with my radiology oncologist yesterday.  Let me say this about my doctor:  She is an amazing WOMAN and professional. She has everything we, as patients, need and want in a doctor. She has such a capacity of compassion, empathy, intelligence, accuracy, straight talking, and love. Wow, she is amazing.  While we met, I had quite the breakdown. I think she has been realizing I needed to do this.  I've been way too strong and not allowing myself to feel all the strange emotions I've been experiencing.  We must have spoke for at least 15 minutes.  She held my hand a few times, passed the tissues, and her words of wisdom were exactly what "the doctor ordered."   I didn't feel like a freak of nature. But she did have some very honest words that needed to be said.  She told me I need to be in counseling on a more consistent basis to get this angst out of me.  Tell it to someone who is on neutral grounds. I have gone from time to time to a lady who has helped me out during chemo treatments. It's time to go back -- I obviously need a little guidance. The way I feel about counseling is this:  You do the work. The counselor is a guide. They do not make magic happen.  I just need to stop trying to work my emotions out quietly. I can't and don't need to be so strong in the sense that I must control everything at all times.  Those days are gone.  They really are. Now, this doesn't mean I have no independent thought, etc, it just means I need guidance now. I'm going through hell right now.  I'm on the downhill slide, of course, but that doesn't mean it's that neat and tidy as far as emotions are concerned.  I'm still coming to grips with the fact my life has changed FOREVER.  I think in this day and age of life, sometimes we forget that we are not robots. We are HUMAN BEINGS with many different layers to ourselves.  So with that, I will put myself back into counseling and see what happens.  What's the worse that can happen?  I could drive my counselor to begin to drink heavily cuz I'm such a unique person.  LOL!!! Gotta laugh -- it's healthy! 

Getting back to the letter:  I have it in draft form currently. I will NOT post it on this blog. There are some things that are not comfortable for me to post on this format. TMI -- too much information.  Needless to say, I will send this letter.  I'm very proud of this letter.  I am completely honest with my feelings and kept to the facts.  I hope good will come out of this for this doctor as well.  One thing I did tell her: I pray for her daily.  This is the truth.  I do pray for her.  I don't wish her ill-will; just that she re-evaluate how she "practices" her medicine on her patients. 

When I finished writing my letter, I took one big breath and EXHALED cleanly.  There were no earth-shattering emotions that flooded my being, but through the course of my afternoon, I kept on feeling this calm come over me more and more and more. It was a gift!  I cleansed myself of sorts.  Talk about tranquility -- wow. I ate dinner with such  calm and enjoyed my family even more.  Even my pain from radiation had subsided somewhat. 

When I went to bed I had such a calm all around me.  I feel my angels were hugging me -- telling me, "Lynn, now, please rest and all is going to be okay.  Rest and don't worry." 

I guess that's what I did because I woke up very rested.  I feel lighter in step, too. 

It's never too late to learn... I continue to learn daily and my forgiveness is still a work in progress.

Ciao, Ciao.

Going to begin 4th week -- Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

What a great Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for and it was shared by family and extended family and friends.  The food was great and I was able to cook!  Of course, I had help and took a couple naps during the day, but it didn't stop the momentum of enjoying our family and friends.  So wonderful!

Considering how I have been feeling for a few weeks now since radiation started, I still am keeping the stiff upper lip!  I may not have been completely honest about many of my feelings I've been experiencing.  Sometimes when I go into my radiation room and the door has been closed, the machine starts up and all the reciprocating arms circle around me, somehow I begin to let out tears from my eyes.  I think about what is truly happening to my body and what is about to be beamed into my cells, it brings me to tears -- not the ugly cry but the kind that are non-stop streaming down the sides of my cheeks and puddles into my ears.  I can't move. I'm not supposed to move a millimeter during the process -- so there I lay with the tears. Not to mention, they have me taped to the table -- literally taped to keep my right breast from getting radiated. It's not a pleasant experience to go through. But I try to "leave" that space during my treatment -- I sing to the songs (they play my CD - Luther Vandross during my treatments); I visualize I have a bubble around my major organs for protection purposes, I think and go to my favorite mountain side in Civita D'Antino (Abruzzo region of Italy). I do what I have to in order not to completely freak out as I lay there.  Most would probably think:  "At least it's not chemo....." That's correct -- it's not chemo -- but it's still very serious treatment and no one knows, unless they have gone through it themselves, what really happens inside those rooms. No, it doesn't physically hurt; I'm not treated poorly ever -- I guess it's the culmination of all that I have been through.  I feel pretty done all in all. I don't want anymore advice, I don't want to hear anymore about "my tumors"; I don't want to drive daily 86 miles; I don't want to be strong; I don't want to have small talk as I am being taped to the table; I don't want anyone touching me!  With that being said, this doesn't mean I am resentful towards the amazing staff that deals with me daily.  They are my angels.  They are so supportive, uplifting, professional and all around nice.  It's the fact I have to do this because of that F***ing Cancer.

I have been pretty pensive to say the least at my home as well. Sometimes I get into moods of absolute quiet to filling up with venum.  My poor hubby is trying his best to keep me happy -- but he can't do it all. I have been viporous to him at times.  Not fair to him. There is no reason except for the fact I have been worrying about other things in our lives. It's life -- we all have worries -- different levels, of course, but just the same, worries.  Then, my daughters have been feeling the tension.....They keep asking me various questions trying to figure out what the heck is going on with me.  Of course, I haven't been communicating to them.  I have been trying to be quiet about my true feelings because it's my issue and not theirs.  Isn't that a hoot?  When a person develops cancer, it's the family's issue. Not just the patient's.  It's all our issue.  I know this, but haven't been walking the walk very well recently.  For so long I have been very peaceful, loving and tranquil.  But it changed about 3 weeks ago.  It happened when I had a big argument with my hubby about personal issues.  That's when I clamped down big time.  I mean sealed up.  And since then, I have been this festering pool of tension.  Needless to say, it didn't work.  It didn't work at all.  Thank God my family is a loud, communicating family. We really like to go to the point of uncomfortableness.

They came to me last night and confronted me big time about what they have been observing for the past few weeks.  Funny thing, I really didn't have a lot to argue about. At first I wasn't cooperating by being defensive.   But once I completely was honest with them, the flood gates opened and there I was a raging river of tears. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe at one point.  Oh, yeah, I haven't stated that my 88 year old mom is witnessing all this going on.  She really was a rock through all this. She had a lot to offer all of us -- her wisdom.  It was awesome!  Thank you, Mom!  You are my shining star!

Anyway, all that angst came out. All those worries came out loud; loud and clear to all.  Saying the words out loud confirmed once again to me that you don't have to go through this all alone.  I don't have to be perfect and in CONTROL at all times.  As a matter of fact, it feels so good not to be in control.  It feels so good to be completely and utterly vulnerable.  I feel safe with these people.  THEY LOVE ME. What a concept, eh?  They are in it for the long haul. They are not going to trample all over my feelings.  They have no intention of making me feel uncomfortable ever.  They just want to love me and get to know me better through all this hell oh earth.  This was so difficult for me even though I'm an open person, but going through all these emotions since being diagnosed has opened up a whole new way of thinking and feeling.  Each day I learn something new about myself.  Some days are better than others.  And the last few weeks have been awful!  Even though I have written all is good -- for the most part, going through the motions is good, but my inner feelings have been in turmoil.  So I must apologize to all my readers as well as apologize to myself for not be truly AUTHENTIC.  This is a difficult time in my life.  It's been the biggest challenge I have ever had to deal with.  I will continue to monitor and continue on this journey forward.  There are going to be days that are simply crappy. But for the most part they have been so good to me. I continue to rely on my faith, love and friendships. They are what keep me in check. I thank you and continue to love.

With that, my Cup's still half full and am still a work in progress.

Ciao, Ciao!

End of 2nd Week!

Today is the last day of my full 2nd week and so far so good! Still had been coughing and carrying on with my aftermath of some kind of virus, but apparently, I'm in good company with others.  Either way, I have been going to my appointments.  I had an exam with my radiolgy oncology doc on Wednesday.  I really like having our meetings.  It gives me a chance to ask all my little questions that have a way of creeping up.  My joints have been "paining" me, but that is still leftovers of chemo.  My hands are still swollen a bit -- post chemo. Everything seems to be POST chemo. Love it.  I just want to be able to wear my wedding ring daily.  I have placed it on my finger from time to time, but then I risk the issue of being able to pull it off my finger!  Not fun, so I wear a band, which is fine, but I do love my ring and want it back on my finger.  Soon enough -- PATIENCE.

Funny thing, I have lost a couple pounds since I've started radiation, but nothing that causes my treatment to change regarding the actual radiation beam.  When a person begins radiation treatment (at least in my case) they don't want you to lose weight because it can change the way the radiation beam affects your tissues. The nuclear physicists calculate each patient's specific treatment in a very exacting way.  But my little poundage loss is no biggy.  But I am encouraged about the weight loss because of my inflammation going on. Tired of it.  Want to move it forward -- a little while longer. Getting closer to being free of treatment.  Can't wait!

This weekend I have to go into radiation treatment on Sunday due to the fact the office will be closed the day after Thanksgiving!!!! So we all get 4 days off. And I know my therapists need some time to recharge and be with their families, etc.  I get to come in earlier on Sunday than normal which works for me!  Jim and I will make a morning of it and take ourselves out for a breakfast date.  Going to try a new little mom and pop restaurant in Vista that was recommended to us. So we'll make it a little adventure.  So I will will have treatments Sunday through Wednesday this next week. 

At this point, the only thing that is changing with this treatment so far is the tightness I'm feeling throughout my left breast area. It doesn't hurt, but I do believe the scar tissue is beginning to form.  My expanders feel tighter. And once again, I cannot wait to get these expanders out of my body as well. They are a necessary evil for me for this reconstruction, but I don't want to go through this ever again.  It's such a strange feeling I have in me at all times. I do ignore my uncomfortableness (is that a word?) but it's still there. Doesn't go away and cannot take it out when I'm tired of it. But in order to achieve what I wish for, this is necessary. So I guess, I cannot complain too much. Just an observation.

I've been keeping a constant prayer said for a friend of mine who was diagnosed recently with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy this week and she has been in my constant prayers!  It's such a clear reminder that we have to continue to be diligent big time with our lives.  I do pray one day this deadly disease will be a thing of the past. That we will be able to look back at this and be able to breathe a sigh of relief for our sisters in the future. I don't talk much about this fact for the simple fact I'm in the midst of all this, but I do pray all the time for a cure. I may not wear the ribbon or the pink breast cancer awareness but that is only because I'm living this. I don't need to show it anymore than I already do.  I'm rather subdued when it comes to that part of the breast cancer awareness campaign.  But that is ME and that's how I roll! I don't judge anyone else who want to show their support by wearing hats, pins, magnets, shirts, pants, etc.  But since I'm the white elephant in the room, I know--everyone else realizes I'm in some sort of treatment, etc.  But that doesn't mean I don't care and don't do my own campaigning for a cure.  Oh, on the contrary. 

This is the time of year we are all getting really geared up to go head-on into the holidays. There are so many blessings that have been bestowed upon me and my family and I am so very THANKFUL!  Mainly for a new beginning -- for my new LIFE -- for my new directions to come (even though I don't completely know exactly where they will lead me....) but I'm keeping the FAITH and HOPE alive!  I SMILE big time in the face of Cancer. It hasn't gotten me. It's still NOT welcome EVER in my body and home! It's not WELCOME in any of my family and friends.  It's just NOT WELCOME period!  I continue to Kill it with kindness and Love.  That is my commitment.  It will always be my commitment from here on out.

My next step is to finally write that letter I need to write.  I have it in my head but it's a step for me that I simply need to make the time for.  I still get so emotional -- I still feel some angst and need to get rid of it. I do realize this will be healing for me. That's not the real point -- I just have to sit down and write it like I do this blog.  But when I begin to handwrite it with ink to a few specific individuals, it will become so very real and final and I know I will be able to EXHALE finally!  So maybe this weekend will be it.  Stay tuned -- I will keep you posted when it's drafted and finished.  Big sigh of relief and I know I will breathe with ease of flow.....I imagine myself sitting on a dock with my feet lightly stroking the water's edge with the sun beaming onto my face giving me the warmth I love -- that's how I imagine the freedom of writing this letter will be for me.  So now I must do it!  'Just do it' as they say! I will. 

My Cup's still Half Full and I'm stronger than ever.......... Watch out world.  Lynn's on her way back.....

Ciao, Ciao!

2nd week -- getting into the groove.......

I begin my 2nd week going into it strong in my mind, but my body wants to be sick for some strange reason. I began last Thursday morning coughing, sneezing, etc -- by the afternoon, I had a low grade temperature.  I put myself to bed and began the task of drinking my fluids, sleeping and being quiet. Basically, staying out of site from all.  Seems like I'm still so susceptible to germs.  It all takes time to get better from chemo even though it's been a few months.  Still side effects linger.  Love it. NOT! 

Today when I go to radiation, I will let them know this is occurring and see if the nurse wants to see me and check me out. At this point I think it's a basic virus, but this whole game is so different now that when I do get "sick" it has a different way of showing itself.  I just don't want anything going into pneumonia, which is a concern that can occur.  Better to be safe and have it checked out.

Since this is my 2nd week of radiation treatment, my skin has not shown any signs of peeling or redness at this point. Apparently, it usually takes approximately 3 weeks for any signs of radiation side effects.  So far so good to this extent. 

I plan, once again, to restart my walking routine and  get back to the gym to begin a very low level workout to get back to my cardio level.  The more exercise I can do, the better.  I am working on my stretching -- oh, to be young again.  I used to be so incredibly limber.  Now, I have -- let's say boundaries that my body can and/or will do for me.  Sometimes I begin the giggle factor when I'm trying to go into a foward roll down to my feet.  Hah, it's just a hoot -- I can almost get there even with chest expanders residing in my body!  But still, I have a ways to go to achieve my little goal. Feels good to stretch! 

So I begin my day and later after radiation, I will go take the boys (my dogs) for their walk into my field (of dreams--LOL) or the area where I really let it out with my prayers or laughter or crying or whatever strikes me on that particular moment -- even quiet while I enjoy the dogs running their Yah-yahs out.  So cute to watch.

My Cup continues to be half-full.  I must because I'm closer to my end of treatments. And then, cancer free! That's the ultimate goal!  CANCER FREE!!

Ciao, Ciao

PS  My Mom arrives today!  88 years old and healthy as can be!  That's what I hope and wish for as well!

Finish first full week with a bang!

This will be a little update. 

Ever since I've finished chemo, my immune system has become compromised.  Seems like no big deal, but in the last 2.5 months, I have had 2 fevers.  This is a bummer of sorts due to the fact I want to be as normal as possible, but when I start to ache all over my body, get joint aches, strange headaches, foggy feeling  I know it's going to be coming on  soon. This week I had been sneezing  a lot and coughing due to the Santa Ana winds. Been staying inside during the major winds because I remember last year when I had 2 sinus infections during this windy time down here.  Obviously, I cannot fight it off just yet, because I ended up waking up feeling punky big time and achy all over.  Such a frustrating bummer. By 10am I had 100.5 temp.  Once again, I had to place myself on antibiotics because I cannot continue to be sick like this during radiation. 

I have to say, you haven't lived till you have a fever and have to go to your radiation treatment feeling like death warmed over laying out on the table, holding my arms above my head and having my radiation pulsate in the 6 specific areas they are treating. Thank goodness I was in a numb state of being and didn't mind it too much.  I sucked it up big time and didn't whine to my therapists. They knew I was definitely under the weather.  Frankly, I was a bit shocked they wanted me there even though I was feverish, but once again, I think you have to be on death's doorstep before they would cancel your treatment.  LOL!!!

Oh, well, this is going to make me tougher right?  Needless to say, my darling daughter drove me to and from Vista (35 mins each way) and I was folded up into my fetal position with my blankie wrapped around me. 

I'm in bed currently and my fever is gone for now.  I am drinking my fluids and getting up periodically to keep my body from getting too cramped up.  I have my 2 constant companions, Woody and Chewy faithfully sleeping along side of me -- I love how they can drift off into their slumber without any issues.
I wish I could say the same:  I'm laying here in a haze. At least I'm resting..

Ok. Done for now. Tomorrow I go back to radiation and I will finish my first full week.  I have 21 more treatments. Yippee Skippee!  At least it's NOT chemo!  Thank you, GOD and all my angels!

Ciao, Ciao

I Now Glow in the Dark!

Today was a good day -- in a manner of speaking.  At the beginning of my day, I took a nice walk with my 2 dogs.  They make me laugh always and I especially get a kick out of watching them tear down the trail and field I walk through so they may get some of their excess Yah-yahs out of their system.  I love it.  Came back did my housework and even ironed!  Yes, IRON clothing!  I love to do so when I'm preoccupied or have unsettled feelings.  Today, I had good reason to have unsettled feelings due to the fact I was beginning my 6-7 week process of radiation therapy.  Now, I realize it could be so much worse -- I'm always aware of this fact, but the unknown to me can grow bigger than what it needs to be -- I visualize in a positive way, but I'm still a human being and this is how I process things especially these days.  It's been such a secret as to RADIATION THERAPY.  When I've heard about people getting radiation, this includes when my father had radiation treatment for prostate cancer, I thought it was done possibly in a room that looked very white and had a big machine in the center -- a nurse and/or tech would place some kind of mechanism on the site where it needed to focus and that would be it. 

Well, it's not quite that way for me and my breast situation.  Now, I've already written that I knew I would be lying down -- that is correct.  When I walked into this large room which was painted quite nicely -- blues that calm a person down -- I didn't expect to see such a large radiation machine that had a large retractable type arm that had a square looking screen attached to it as well.  I was placed on the table that sits in front of the machine -- laying face up with my head towards the machine.  The techs began quickly and swiftly all the while explaining to me what was going on, what areas they were focusing on, where my tattoos were going to be placed, etc. -- it was still very overwhelming how quickly they were getting to it.  I looked up and there was a dome area with computer generated stars with shooting stars that would come across the domed area. It was really beautiful and calming -- good job designers whoever they were.  I found myself watching every motion they were doing.  I was specifically told, "DO NOT MOVE."  No wiping the nose, no scratching this or that. DO NOT MOVE.  Ok, I am a good little patient.  I didn't move till a single tear dripped down the side of my face.  I couldn't help it.  I had to wipe it away.  I guess I finally realized the magnitude of my situation.  While they were working so diligently to make all the marks perfect so they can erradicate any potential cells, I was feeling major emotions. No, I didn't begin to cry, it was that single tear that overflowed.  I guess, the one that got away!  LOL.  Anyway, I tried to clear it and I was swiftly told to stop moving, please.  Then before I could say anything further, one of my techs got a tissue and wiped my eyes for me. The 2nd tech reassured me and placed a reassuring hand on me to let me know it's going to be all ok.  It's kind of funny how I have to process the way I do. I wish sometimes I was made of steel and could get through things as if I was a cool cucumber.  But NO way -- I guess I am sensitive enough to feel everything -- oh, well. That's me. Love me or not! 

Once all was set-up, they left the room and did the dry run. The machine began to move around me -- some little machine came out from the side of the main machine and began to make noise -- apparently that was an x-ray machine -- very efficient if you ask me. Then it retracted back in place -- then the upper arm began to move around my upper torso area making it's specific noises it needs to.  I watched it come up from my right side come over the top front of me and over to my left. It finished what it needed to do and then came back over me.  Once this was done, the tech came back in and told me they would now begin the radiation process -- she shut the door, which by the way, was a very thick vault-like door! DANG! They turned on music, which was nice --  I was left there by myself  with my thoughts and prayers...............I cannot articulate my thoughts that were swirling in my head.  Part of me was saying, "Here I go; this is the beginning of the end of this whole journey to my healing; oh, dear how do I get out of this one; will I feel my organs heat up; have they made the correct computations for this radiation; what's for dinner....."
No, not really about the dinner thing, but my thoughts were swirling quickly and rapidly in my head.
I also thought, even though it's been months now, I still can't believe I'm in this situation and having to go through this process.  Weird emotions maybe; but maybe not.  I truly believe this is normal.  How can it not be normal?  Either way, I survived it and will survive 27 more treatments. It's going to be very important that I keep on my radiated area aloe vera gel 99% and/or Miaderm cream -- which I was given samples.  This is to prevent any peeling, sunburn issues, etc. I cannot take hot baths or hot showers -- luke warm, yes.  There are more details, but I will spare all of you. 

For the first treatment it took 30 minutes.  Tomorrow should take about 20 minutes and thereafter.  So on I go and cannot wait till this is finished.  I should be finished by Dec. 20.  At least I hope that to be the case.

I continue to pray and pray and pray all this will be resolved and I will be a part of the cure!  My family and friends are my rocks and I appreciate all the love they share with me. It's so important and I need it more than ever.

Yes, my Cup's still half full! 

Ciao, Ciao!

Time for the Next Journey - RADIATION

I have been absent of late due to not having a whole lot of information to share.  However, that finally changed as of this morning.

For the first time since all this began, I experienced some insurance issues regarding my treatment plan for the radiation treatment plan.  My insurance, Anthem Blue Shield, fought hard to stop my treatment the way my radiation doctor has it planned for me. Her team came up with a plan specifically for me, but the insurance wanted it to be a "generic" plan to "save money."  I'm pretty sure I don't have to go to potty mouth mode, but WTF!!! I haven't and don't experience what most people must experience daily, which is going without insurance.  I'm especially sensitive to being told "NO" when it concerns my life -- no exaggeration there at all-- I must have this specific plan set out for me by my doctor.  No wonder doctors are so frustrated with the system; why millions of people are so frustrated -- argggghhhh!  Anyway, through diligence on my doctor's part, she finally got her plan approved.  The stupid game that has to be played in order to get medical treatments done. 

The long story short is I begin my radiation treatment tomorrow, Thursday, November 3 beginning @ 2pm.  I will have a consult with my doctor to go over my treatment plan in detail so I will understand what is going to happen to my body.  One thing that is changing is the fact that the lower region of my heart will have some radiation in order to get to the nodes in my chest that were affected by the cancer.  Sucks, I know, but this must happen.  I asked if my heart will get damage -- she has assured me that it will not damage my heart. The radiation is minimal, but with anything, there is a chance, but I do have a very strong heart.  Either way, this is the best plan of attack.   But there is more information I must learn about tomorrow and will blog about it as I find out. 

I will have 28 treatments in total.  And my last day of treatment will end on Dec. 20!  Five days before Christmas and 6 Days before my 52nd birthday!  Yes, my birthday is December 26. What a
great Christmas and Birthday gift -- the GIFT OF LIFE!  I choose LIFE! I accept this gratefully!
Then I can really set myself free from many stresses.  For the first time in many, many, many years, I have a new outlook and new unleashed goals to attain.  I can't wait for this next ride in my life.  Should be an interesting one to say the least.  Not sure where I will land, but it will be right.........

As a reminder, I will be going to radiation every day -- 5 days a week till I get the 28 treatments finished.  It will be a 20 minute process.  In my case, I have to lay on a table and have my right breast taped down to the table which is very difficult since I have the expanders in my chest and I'm very small.  I have to go through this everyday -- every treatment.  I have to lay in the EXACT same position each time.  From what I've been told, the therapist will be perfecting my treatment as I go along. 
I appreciate the fact at how hard so many people are working to make this whole process perfect for me; that we have success and so I can move on and continue on in my life.

My surgeon, Dr. Hyde, wants me to come back a couple more times to see him as I go through this treatment plan.  I will abide by his request. My Oncologist will want to see me more as well. After this journey, I will be placed on maintenance medicine to prevent cancer.  It's a five year plan. I don't have a complete detailed plan as of yet, but I know it's coming after the first of the year. 

In closing, I know I may not have started my radiation treatment on the timeline that was supposed to be, but there's always a reason for everything. I know I'm stronger and more healed from the bilateral mastectomy so I will be that much more ready for this radiation.  Oh, yes, I'm fighting big time through this.  I am so grateful I don't have to do chemo again. Dear God, I would have had to dig deep big time to cope with that one, but God willing, I will not have to endure more after radiation.

God doesn't hand you anything you cannot handle.  And, with this, I will go forth and do what I need to do........I am finished with this Cancer -- it doesn't stand a chance anymore.  I won't give it that satisfaction!  No Way!  As I have in the past, I ask for prayers for my family and my complete recovery! Thank you for your continued love and support!

Oh, yes, my Cup's Half Full!
Ciao, Ciao!

What Now? Yet Another Hiccup...

Never under estimate the power of your immune system.  I do believe I did too much recently, but am testing the waters. Anyone would be if you have been segregated from the rest of the world for weeks on end.  Monday, my daughter and I did a few errands -- no big deal, right?  Well that depends on what it is, of course.  We did happen to go to a Goodwill outlet in Temecula -- not a good idea.  The moment I walked in the place I noticed there were a lot of people milling around the goods within the store.  I walked further into the store checking out things for my daughter yadda, yadda, yadda.....Bottom line, there she was, a sniffling, sneezing SICK female spewing her germs everywhere because SHE HAD TO BE THERE FOR THE GREAT DEAL OF HER LIFE.........Yeah right! One can tell I'm really tollerant of people spreading their germs everywhere.  Anyway, I walked out of the store immediately got in the car and left. 

Was out a day or two later as well, then I got my flu shot because now more than ever, my immune system is compromised.  Perhaps, I'm hoping that my immune system wouldn't be affected so easily -- boy, am I wrong, wrong, wrong....................

I woke up at 3am yesterday morning with body aches, muscle spasms, etc. Very uncomfortable.  Put myself into a tub to help relax my body. That seemed to help a bit.  Took a couple Ibuprofen and went back to bed.  I rolled around for a couple more hours -- so it was around 5:30am by the time I finally started to be able to go back into what I call  a light sleep.  Either way, that was the start of my day. I finally got up around 8:30am and took care of myself -- eating breakfast, feeding dogs, etc.  I rested a bit but had a lot of laundry I knew I needed to get to. Everyone else was gone out of the house doing whatever they needed to be doing.  Had a couple of bouts of the "runs" which was no big deal till the 3rd time around.  I will spare the gorey details, but suffice it to say it was a moment that could have come out of a comedy movie scene.  Jim came running in and quickly turned around and left me alone to deal with what I needed to deal with.........Isn't that lovely?  Oh, the joys of bodily functioning.  Gotta have comedy from time to time, but during the runs?  Really?  ARRRRGGGHHHHH! Oh, well, such is life..

By early evening, I had 100.9 degree temperature.  Now, in my world of post chemo, that is still not good.  And it's amazing how lousy one can feel with that temp.  Needless to say, I put myself to bed, got a tepid washcloth and placed it on my head & neck.  Due to my compromised immune system, the docs want me to take antibiotics for the just-in-case because in my situation it can turn bad so quickly it can make your head spin.  And, yes, I realize, antibiotics are for when you have bacteria infections, but once again, if you are a cancer patient with a compromised immune system, those rules go out the window apparently.  I get it now.  Pisses me off, but I understand it. 

I get frustrated, yet again, due to the fact I find myself in a "weakened" state which I don't want to be in.  Of course, I have and will take care of this by "being a good girl" and rest.  But now I have to stay in and stay away from neighbor kids because we all know they are walking petri dishes -- not their fault, but that's the facts of the matter. Now, the other night we had our neighbor kids over for a couple of hours due to their dad needing to borrow our BBQ because their BBQ was broken.  One child is 5 years old and the other is 10 years old.  This, too, could have been why I got a fever. Not their fault, but goes to show how sensitive and susceptible I am to germs.  Wow!  Sucks the big one if you ask me.  But that could have been another reason why I got sick.

I also know that chemo has settled into my joints and periodically I get aches and pains and my muscles react to this as well. So either way, this is what happened to me last night. 

The good news is I slept really well.  Got up one time and quickly went back to bed and back into a deep sleep.  Woke up at 7:30am.  Wow, pretty good.  No fever this morning which is great. But in my case a fever can reoccur in the afternoon. So we'll see.  So I plan on keeping my fluids way, way up today and eat/sip clear fluids and keep my diet very bland. It's supposed to be around 102 degrees here today.  Great!  So I will be kicking on the AC to be sure to keep comfortable and not suck it up trying to save on the power.  Imust be comfortable. 

My darling hubby will be having a minor surgery as well tomorrow on his carpal tunnel wrist/hand and then a scope on his elbow on the same arm. We are going to be the dynamic duo!  Bless his heart. He's had to put this off for so long due to his employment commitments over the years.  Nevering having the time to be able to take time and be down for days on end. Well, now he can and I thank GOD he's finally able to get it done.  We have our daughters and son-in-law who can take care of us with food and whatever else we need. But I'm still able to do things, just not at the level I would like. 

My hair is getting so much longer. And I'm grey with salt and pepper throughout my hair.  I find it pretty.  I doubt I will be coloring my hair, but we'll see as it grows out. What's really impressive are my eyelashes -- they are coming in thick.  Sooooooooo thrilled.  My eyebrows are coming in too, not as thick, but they look really good.  I love, love, love having my eyelashes protecting my eyes again. And I don't look so alien like.  I think within a couple more weeks, I might even try placing some mascara on them.  Time will tell.

I haven't heard back from the radiation office, but I'm sure I should hear something by Friday.  Needless to say, it's going to start soon and I will be onto the next chapters of this journey.  I'm not afraid or concerned.  I'm in good hands and I continue with my prayers and positive thoughts -- meditations.  Have to. It's simply a part of my life. I need to begin my yoga. Beginning to record yoga classes.  So off I'll go soon, I hope, but I realize I'm limited to my bending cuz of my expanders in my body/chest. However, I still stretch and do other exercises.  Exercise is key!

The Cup's Half Full!
Ciao, Ciao 

Radiation in my near Future

So much has happened in just a few short days.

I had an appointment down in Vista to have a consultation with my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka.  Their office is located 1/2 hour away from Murrieta.  Very easy to find.  The office staff was very welcoming and very professional.  They took my vitals and my blood pressure (BP) was up a little bit -- no SH--!  I get this way when I go into the unknown.  I'm so ridiculously sensitive at times, but I guess, that's ME. They expect it -- so I was told.  I've been told that I have the white coat syndrome -- YES, I would agree.  But overall, my BP is low.  Anyway, my nurse that I will be seeing on a regular basis was quite the little spit fire. Really cute and very knowledgeable.  She did a thorough Q & A with me regarding my health history.  She explained to me that my aches and pains in my joints are normal after going through the chemo treatment I've experienced.  (Thank you God, it's not that I'm getting older.........)  I've also had issues with my feet -- when I first get out of bed, as an example, my feet hurt/ache as I walk.  Takes a few feet  before everything seems to be working properly.  Apparently, this, too, is due to the chemo.  I already know my hands and body are still holding fluids; I still cannot wear my wedding ring -- this is CHEMO.  Chemo lingers in the body for months afterwards. Isn't that nice?  At least I know why this is happening.  Onward......

My nurse asked me about how I found out about my cancer diagnosis. I explained my story, which brought her to tears.  Everytime I tell someone in the medical profession down here about my story, they are shocked. 
The fact of the matter is I'm more grateful that I was diagnosed down here rather than where I lived before.  It's not to say there aren't good doctors up in Northern California, but I do know I'm in an area where I can get to great medical care quickly and have choices.  I will come back to this particular subject later.......

Within a few minutes of my first meeting with the nurse, in walked my new doctor. She's an adorable woman who has the kind of eyes that can look into your soul.  She most definitely pays attention when she is in your presence. First impressions are wonderful.  She's brilliant.  Not arrogant, just the real deal.  Isn't it ironic, I have been blessed with such expertise since the beginning of my journey. I guess, my God and all my angels insist that I get a break considering how it all began.  I'm not arguing with this at all.  I know I am blessed with all these experts. And, to me, more amazing is that they work as a team. No big time egoes here at all!!!!! How refreshing.

My doc began by introducing herself and then sitting down on a stool and scooted up closer to me and asked my how I was doing considering what I have been going through. I looked straight into her eyes and answered, "I think I'm doing pretty well overall -- but honestly, I guess I haven't viewed myself as going through as much as you have just stated."  She was taken aback by my reply, I'm sure.  She continued on and told me that she had taken a while to view all my films and reports, etc.  She told me that from what she viewed and read, she knew I have been through a lot and that my first breast MRI was "very scary looking."  I think it was those words that resinated with me to my core. When I saw my first set of MRI scans, they reminded me of a horrible weather storm.  I described it to her that way and she nodded in agreement then stated, "That is a very good way of describing your tumors."  Then once again, she asked me how I came to discover about my cancer.  I told her of my years knowing I had dense breast tissues and that I had been diligent about my self-exams and mammograms, etc.  As I explained my history to her, her eyes were very fixed on me and then I saw the tears to begin to swell in her eyes. She, too, was saddened to find out I had never been diagnosed until March 16, 2011.  She told me she saw the growth of cells in my 2006 films. When I heard her words OUT LOUD it brought back those feelings of frustration and emotions. My tears fell once again. Couldn't stop for awhile. I had to dig deeper just because I wanted to continue to explain my history. And, I also, didn't want to waste anymore negative energy on the fact the proper tests could have prevented this situation I find myself now involved in.

So we got down to business discussing in great detail what I can expect and why I have to have radiation. She went into great detail about all the side effects that can occur and what I realistically can expect.  They will contact me next week to set up the appointment so I can get "mapped out" -- all my areas that will be radiated. There will be 3 specific areas of my left side of my chest that will be radiated and from different angles.  Once the mapping is done, she will do fine tuning on the exact measurements and make any appropriate modifications if needed.  I will then have to come in again for a "dry run."  I will be placed on a table where they will test the beams -- but it will not be radiation.  The following day I will come back and begin treatment. The treatment will last approximately 15 minutes total.  The actual radiation lasts only 2-3 minutes.  In and out --- done. I will have 28 treatments.  This will last between 6 & 7 weeks -- 5 days a week.  I should be finished at the beginning of December.  I will not lose my hair or get nauseated. I may get tired -- needing a nap or rest. I may experience like a severe sunburn.  Other side effects can occur, but this is a very basic overview. 

Oddly enough, I have no fear regarding this procedure.  I feel strongly that if I can survive chemo, I most certainly can do radiation.  The doctor stated that I may not see any effects till 3 weeks into the treatment. 
I plan to continue with life forward and do what I can on my own time to counteract any potential effects. I plan to walk more and go about daily life -- cuz it goes on -- life goes on!  I want to move forward. But I'm not unrealistic to think that all is perfect, because nothing is perfect.  I'm still healing from my surgery. I still have issues with my energy from that. I'm still needing rests.  I still have to be mindful that I cannot move quickly.  But I'm doing well with being mindful.

After my appointment, I felt completely emotionally drained yet again. Each time I talk about my history these days with a doctor, it brings back a certain amount of angst regarding how this cancer journey came to be.  I have been contemplating writing a letter to my FORMER gyneocologist and her partners so I can have complete closure.  It has been suggested to me that I write the letter -- get it down on paper. Then keep the letter and if I want to send it, then do so; but if nothing else, it puts it down in writing and it gets it out of my head and body.  After doing some thorough soul searching, I have come to the conclusion this is exactly what I need to do for me.  This is not going to be a letter of blame rather it will be a letter of expression of how this could have been avoided.  I want other women especially up in Northern California to have a chance of survival rather than having NO diagnosis happen to them.  There may even be a letter to the editor of the local newspaper as well. I want women to know to question, question, question and keep pursuing without feeling like they don't have choices or rights to question their doctor.  Not only that, question the radiologist.  I had films that were obviously mis-read or not paid attention to!  That is a hard pill to swallow for me and I have to forgive and move on.  That is why I continue to pray, to meditate, to face it head on. 
I am going to rise above this; it's going to take time.  I hope all my readers will encourage their loved ones to speak their minds as well when it comes to their health! WE are our best advocates.  If we hesitate because we think we may step on someone's feet or hurt their feelings -- too damned bad!  It's OUR body -- it's OUR LIFE.

On a final note, I found out this evening that a former high school friend of mine passed away of cancer after a very long battle. She faced her journey head on and with great dignity and fire and love.  I cannot express my complete feelings except I will miss you, Jill. YOU ARE THE WOMAN! YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD. FLY -- BE FREE -- LOVE SURROUNDS YOU.

My Cup's Half Full -- feeling grateful for the love that surrounds me, too!

2nd Saline Fill

Yesterday was the 2nd and final installment of saline into my soon-to-be new breasts.  I had 75 ccs injected into my right breast and 50 ccs into my left.  They are now the size I will have post radiation.
The injections went well with no issues whatsoever. My doctor is always, always, always so very careful as to how he administers the saline -- he doesn't want me to hurt in any way shape or form.  The fact, of the matter, I cannot feel a thing because my breasts are pretty much numb. As I have stated before, my breasts were removed and at that time, they had to cut through nerves. So there are no feelings on the front part of my breasts. I've tried to describe that there are ports under both breasts which are used to fill with saline to increase the size of each breast.  This is the area where it can be very painful.  The skin is thinner there and inflammation has decreased substantially -- so there is pain when I stretch certain ways -- so much so that it brings tears to my eyes. Consequently, I am taking my Percocet today. I usually only take 1/2 of a pill at 7pm; not today. It's just one of those days.

I haven't really written much about how it's so wonderful to have this option of reconstruction.  I'm very happy I made this decision to have it done at the same time as my bi-lateral mastectomy.  Obviously, it cannot all be done at one time, but it helps to have a portion done as I progress through radiation.

I had no idea before making the final decision whether or not to have reconstruction that radiation causes scar tissue to form at the area being radiated.  So the skin becomes quite stiff and hard and almost impossible to stretch.  So it's important that my skin essentially be stretched before the radiation begins so I can have good results for the reconstruction. 

For the first time since all this craziness has begun I'm actually really excited about my new reconstructed breasts.  These days we as women who have gone through mastectomies have choices.
I have met a couple women that had mastectomies a few years ago and opted not to have reconstruction. They now wish they had done it.  The cool thing is they still can have reconstruction.  Now, of course, each woman is different and circumstances may be challenging as well, but the best thing to do is to go in for consultation to see what kind of options one may have.

My doctor's office staff was telling me that there are so many women still out there that don't realize they can have reconstruction.  I find that so amazing.  I also realize that it also could be a matter of insurance issues.   My insurance is picking up a certain percentage, but the rest is coming out of pocket.  I feel I'm worth it, so I'm not hesitating whatsoever.   I did go through a very brief phase that I contemplated that I wouldn't have reconstruction.  I'm so glad that left my thoughts.  It's not so much that I feel inferior without breasts; it's all about the way I view myself as a woman -- for me I want a little curvature especially in my clothes.  I also like the idea that my breasts will be placed back where they belong.  For so long my larger breasts hung lower as I have grown older--isn't that a vision? So many of us can relate, right?  I have never been one to think about plastic surgery to rectify this issue -- wasn't on the forefront of my priorities.  But since this cancer and the fact I was losing them, I felt it a great option for me to exercise.  Finally, my lightbulb in my head went off and realized that, "Wow, I'm going to have prettier boobs now than I had before."  I think I'm amazed at the beauty of my skin. It's really in good shape, Thank God!  My doctor has stated I have good genes!  LOL! I'm not embarrassed to say that I agree with him.  In the end, I will end up with what I want:  small, perky breasts and I'm delighted with the outcome so far. They are not perfect. As a matter of fact, they are out of round currently, but like the doctor keeps on telling me, he's going to make them beautiful for me after radiation.  They are a work in progress.  But honestly, they look pretty good now, they just need to be "tweaked" a bit more.  There is some excess skin and he has to rebuild nipples and areola and do a little lipo suction under my right armpit, etc.  This is going to take up to a year to have finished.  Remember, I'm still healing from my surgery.  I will have to heal again from radiation, etc. It's a process.  I'm in no hurry.  All I really want is to be cancer free the rest of my life.  Bottom line:  HEALTHY!!!

Tomorrow I will finally meet my new oncology radiologist, Dr. Koka.  I look forward to having a thorough conversation with her. She's supposed to be really on top of her game, which I like hearing.
I'm onto the next phase of this journey.  At least I'm on the other side of it! Thank you God! And Thank you to all of you who continue to support me and my family through this journey. 

My Cup's Half Full and blossoming! No, I won't be flashing anyone anytime soon.  Well, maybe my hubby or closest girlfriends!  (Tee-Hee.....)

Chia Pet Head!

It's been awhile since I've signed in. Frankly, there hasn't been any news that was noteworthy. 

I've been dealing with some pain, which isn't always a fun topic.  However, it's part of the reality of recuperation.  In the beginning of my recuperation, I had a lot of inflammation surrounding my chest.  As the inflammation has decreased, the pain has gone up somewhat.  Interesting, I know, but what happens, the skin gets tighter around my expanders that have been placed in my chest area.  They are for "expanding" my soon-to-be new breasts. They are expanded with saline solution.  As the skin deflates, I can feel the expanders moreso inside my chest.  It feels like I have built-in armore wear.  It's not comfortable a lot of the time, but it's not like I cannot cope. I'm still healing and I'm working on the patience part of this situation.

My body has been a very good gauge for me.  If I do too much at a time, I really collapse later on. And that is not a joke at all. It's also not an exaggeration.  My body shuts down and I need to sleep. I don't fool around any longer with trying to "suck it up" and "be tough" through all this.  It is what it is and I must do my best to heal.  And when I say HEAL, I mean do absolutely NOTHING.  I'm one of the lucky ones that doesn't have to try and work through this while working outside the home.  I do know about many, many women who don't have the luxury of staying home and simply healing.  It breaks my heart for them. They are the true warriors out there.

With this recuperation time, my hair has started to come in big time.  It's not long, but it's coming in and I look very similar to a Chia Pet!  My hair is so soft and downy feeling. It's pretty cool!  It's so funny how people will come straight for my head and cop a feel on my head!  LOL!!  I don't mind at all.  It's rather endearing all in all. My doctors love to check out my hair growth!  The other great things that are growing back are my eyelashes and eyebrows!  So very happy about this.  My eyelashes are coming back in at the same time -- I guess I had thought they might grow in a couple at a time.  Not sure why, but that's what I was thinking.  I'm so glad I'm wrong.  It makes such a difference getting my eyelashes back. I'm not experiencing that sensitivity to air, air-borne particulates, light, etc.  They aren't long enough for mascara just yet, but they are growing and that's what is important.  My eyebrows are coming back in, too!  Yippee Skippee! I won't have to use make-up to color them in any longer. 

I haven't been wearing any kind of bandana or hats lately mainly because I've been in the house, but since my hair is growing back in I figure why hide it? I feel so much better with the air flowing around my head anyway, so why hide?  I do, however, make sure I have great earrings on at all times!  That's my thing big time.  I MUST wear my earrings.  LOL!  Silly as it may seem, I feel naked without my earrings.  Oh, well, whatever floats one's boat, right? Whatever it takes to get through this time works for me and probably always will be.

Big news:  Yesterday I went to my plastic surgeon's office for a follow-up appointment to check how I'm healing.  After the exam and discussion about all that has transpired since our last appointment, he simply said, "I think it's time to fill your breasts."  I don't know why I was so surprised, but I was.  We hadn't really discussed the last time I was in that this was going to happen. I was thinking it would probably happen within the next couple weeks before I begin my radiation.  So he had to give me a shot at the site where the ports are located at each breast.  Expanders have a port area.  I'm not sure if they are usually at the bottom of one's breast area, but mine are located there.  That's the pain area I've been experiencing since the inflammation has been going away.  So he numbed up the port area (yes, with a shot -- no biggy!) and then had a huge syringe filled with 100 ccs of saline with a long tube to place inside the port -- he had to stick it through my skin to attach to the port just under the skin area.  They my nurse began the process of administering the saline into the port.  I could see my breast start to fill up a  bit.  Really interesting and very surreal at the same time. No, it did not hurt.  I'm numb there anyway, so I feel nothing.  My doc added 50 ccs to my left breast.  So now I have little lady lumps going on!  Very cool.  I have a cool cleavage! LOL.

Oh, yes, Jim was in the room the entire time -- we both were so amazed at what was occurring.  I will have a little discomfort from this "expansion" to get my skin and muscle ready for the implant that will take place on my 2nd surgery.  This surgery won't occur till after radiation.  Radiation causes scar tissue to occur.  In my case, the scar tissue will happen on my left breast area and in the center of my chest and armpit area.  That is why I need to have my breast filled BEFORE radiation due to scar tissue forming which will make it difficult for a clean result for reconstructive surgery.  Understand, my breasts are not perfect in formation at this point. That will happen when my doc operates on me during the 2nd surgery.  There is excess skin to remove and I will have a little liposuction done on my right armpit area to match my left armpit area.  I have no idea at this point what other little tweaks here and there will be until we see how I come through radiation.
 
I had no idea that I would be so excited by getting this first fill in my breasts.  I will have another fill next week but not much more because I want to stay smaller than I was before. I do know that when I'm finished with this, I will have really beautiful, perky breasts!  He also will be building nipples for me. Not the twist type or tattooed type as well -- he builds them. I've seen pics of reconstructed and augmented women that he has performed his magic with and let me tell you, he is an artist.  Amazing results.  I think my new boobs are going to be better than ever! I never would have done anything like this had it not been for this cancer.  Weird how good things come out of a bad situation.  Today, I feel a little tight but nothing I can't deal with.  Not going to need meds for a few hours more, but I don't suffer at all. 

I have a consultation with my soon-to-be new radiation doctor Friday, October 7.  My current oncologist wants me to begin my radiation treatment as soon as possible -- so that means I will most likely begin the following week after my initial consultation.  I understand this doctor is once again, amazing, and has great patient/doctor rapor with HER patients. I look forward to meeting with her and getting to know her and her methods and ideology concerning my treatment plan.   I do know this:  I will be going 5 days a week for 6 weeks.  Nothing shorter than that.  My oncologist, Dr. Bernstein, wants me to go the full length of this treatment, which I'm in agreement with.  I want full recovery. I don't want this cancer to have a chance to rear it's ugly head ever again in me if at all possible!  So I must do this for ME!

Overall, my emotional state is really good.  I feel like I'm on the other side of this journey.  I still have quite a walk to go on, but I'm stronger than ever and I plan to finish this off with my head held high and with purpose like no other. Not sure what the future holds for me, but it's going to be a ride of my life, I'm sure.  I'm looking forward to this part of it.  I have changed forever and I know it's for the best.  I still get emotional once in awhile, still not sure why, but I do, but I'm more grateful than sorrowful.  There is nothing to be sorrowful about.  I'm alive and healing and getting my life back. It's going to be different; there are going to be different things about my body that I will live with, but overall, I'm doing very well.  I do laugh a lot more now, but carefully, because when I laugh too hard, it hurts with my expanders in my chest. But I have found another way to allow my big laugh to show itself!  I'm not me unless I have a big laugh from time to time.

I'm really looking forward to the holidays this year.  We have so much to be thankful for.  Wow, that's an understatement!  I'm so thankful for everything in my life.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  I can't wait for my mom to get down here. We will bring her down to stay with us in November.  She will stay with us for at least a couple months.
 
I plan to drive with my hubby and her back up to Humboldt County in January. I really look forward to seeing some old friends and see some old business friends and do some major knitting while I'm up there as well.  Got to invest back into the community. So I have somethings to look forward to in the next year. 
I may not be complete with my reconstruction for a year or so, but that's fine with me.

Most of the time my Cup's Half FULL and now it's even more! LOL!!  Loving my life so much more and I continue to heal without issues! I'm so blessed beyond words. I am so thankful my family and friends continue to surround me with love. I continue to receive the most wonderful cards and well-wishes.  I love them so much. It really helps me in my healing.  Those beautiful words that are written mean so much to me and my family. 

Thank you again!
Ciao, Ciao

Saw my Plastic Surgeon

I had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon who is doing my reconstruction.  To my surprise, he removed the drain tubes.  I had 4 tubes total -- 2 on each side; I had the first set removed the week after surgery; now these removed.  I thought they were not being removed due to the fact I still was producing too much fluid. Apparently not!  So good to see them be removed. Didn't hurt at all.  My doctor is very pleased at my healing progress. My skin color is great, the shape is good and no infection in site at all.  I still don't like these expanders inside my chest cavity.  It's a weird feeling and can be uncomfortable, but it could be worse.  At least it's not chemo!  LOL. 

I never thought I could be so thrilled to have a couple of drains removed from my body.  It means that I can now take a SHOWER!!  Simple things in life are usually the best.  Needless to say, the shower is the best gift to me today.  The doc said I had to wait till this morning to take one.  So I did.  I feel like more of a human being. Thank you, doc! 

The next step for now is to continue to rest and do nothing due to the fact I should not move around a lot and produce more fluid in my body.  I also want to avoid any kind of infection which most definitely can happen at this time. I am bored out of my mind, but I do keep myself busy with my knitting, writing and watching my movies. I do read but I still have that attention issue going on.  But I try daily.  It's getting better slowly.  I never really understood what "major surgery" was truly until going through it myself.  Wow, it beats the heck out of a body.  One moment you feel on top of the world and in the next you feel like a Mack truck has broad-sided you.  It can be very frustrating.  But once you make up your mind to relax about it, life gets easier.  Once again, my famous mantra:  IT IS WHAT IT IS.....

Next week I go to the doctor, this time it's my oncologist, to see what is next regarding my radiation treatment. I hope he gives me a little longer to heal before I begin my next and final treatment plan.  I can handle this treatment, but it's going to be 5 days a week for 6 weeks. It's going to be "my job" for a short period of time.  I keep on hoping my doctor will tell me it's only going to be 4 weeks' rather than 6.  I keep on praying.  Maybe it will happen. 

Life continues to get better. I know I have a few more hills to get over, but at least I'm on the other side now.  My hair is growing back; my eyelashes are coming back as well as my eyebrows. It's funny how I'm more thrilled about my eyelashes and eyebrows more so than my hair on my head. 

I'm so happy that we are coming into Fall and that soon my family will bring my Mom down here to stay a few months with us. I cannot wait for that.  I'm so lucky to have her in good health and of sound mind so we can enjoy her.  We are blessed.

so my Cup's half full and continuing!   To the next chapters in life!  I hope all embrace life more and find the happier side of life. 

Ciao, Ciao

Post Surgery - 2 weeks later

I cannot believe how quickly 2 weeks have passed by so far.  A lot has transpired since my surgery. 
Overall, I'm doing quite well.  Healing has been amazing. I had a Therapist living with us for about 10 days helping me with my recovery.  She has helped with blood circulation activation, nerve activation and bone activation. It's hard for Americans to understand what the heck kind of therapy this is, but it's very popular in Europe where she lives and works.  My post-surgery circulation is amazing. My skin tone is beautiful!  The docs are so amazed at how well my surgery site looks. I have no necrosis (dead skin) at the breast area, my overall energy is very good considering I went through major surgery, digestion is wonderful, no pain meds after 3 days home.  Although yesterday I did have a set-back of sorts due to the fact I did too much because I've been feeling so much better -- oh, yes, still live and learn daily. 

And the most remarkable change for me is 2 days after I began this therapy for recovery, my hair on my head started to come back!  I have hair growing again!  I look like a Chia Pet in full bloom!  LOL!! Then, of course, the leg hair has decided it needs to make it's presence known as well -- ok, I should be grateful for returning hair, but I could be happy if it didn't come back.  (oh, how ungrateful I sound!  LOL).  But today, for the first time, I see my EYE LASHES GROWING BACK!!!!  I have 3 on my left eye that are popping out and several on my right eye.  Not sure why the right is so much more, but who cares!!  My eyebrows are growing back in as well.  Before long, I shall look less like Uncle Fester and more like ME again. Or at least the NEW ME. 

In case some are wondering, I'm not completely flat chested.  I still have little lady bumps as one can say.  And remember, my pathology came back CLEAR/CLEAN with a large margin surrounding it of clear, clean cells.  So there is no reason to take all of my tissue.  I do have chest expanders under my chest muscle which, I have to be honest, are really weird feeling and tight feeling. I guess it's different for women who get augmentation not to feel it like this, but still, it's not my idea of a good feeling. I have to wear a special bra similar to women who get augmentation.  It's a corsett of sorts which can be very uncomfortable especially at night when trying to sleep. I don't wear it during the day but wear it if I get into a car or if I go for a walk outside. Not sure how long I will have this thing, but cannot wait to get rid of it.  I have 2 more surgeries regarding my breast reconstruction. This first  surgery, obviously was for removing the cancer -- getting the clear/clean pathology. The next 2 will be the actual rebuilding of my breasts. I'm not going larger -- going for the perky look!  LOL!! Cannot wait for that to occur. Recently, I met a few women who did not have reconstruction surgery or considered it during the process of their mastectomies.  They didn't know about reconstruction and what it could do for them -- So I had the opportunity to educate them a bit of what I know and make recommendations for them. That made me feel a little bit empowered due to the fact most of my days are spent inside recuperating from something.....Either way, to bond with strangers is a pretty cool thing.
I'm not running around being gleeful due to the fact I physically cannot do so.  I move slowly and methodically as I walk.  I cannot be jostled around at all. I went for a car ride the other day (this past Sunday) and by the time I got home, I needed to lay down for awhile.  I paid the price yesterday big time.  I even had to take pain meds, so I'm learning to believe what the docs say when they tell you to take it really easy and don't be fooled by feeling better. You still have to keep it mellow.  I still don't understand completely what "mellow" means in my world.  I want to do!  I want to make up for loss time; but if I'm not smart, I will put myself back further and it will take a lot longer for recovery. I think I'm feeling so close to freedom that I just want to go for it, but I know better than to push it, but sometimes I cannot help myself. 

I now have my youngest daughter, Amy,  and my son-in-law, Loreto, here helping out.  What a Godsend they are.  They are constantly taking care of something around the house.  This has helped my oldest daughter to get some rest and for my hubby to rest as well.  I love my family so much. While in the hospital, my youngest daughter, Amy, stayed with me 24/7!  She was my advocate. Watching everything the nurses and/or docs were up to.  I truly believe anytime we have a loved one and/or dear friend in the hospital or in need, we NEED to be an advocate for them -- to make sure things are getting done -- to be a watchdog of sorts.  Getting the correct information -- asking questions when one doesn't understand. I tell you, I was completely incoherent for the first 24 hrs.  I was making poor choices which my family would correct immediately.  Thank GOD for my family.  But I implore to those who have loved one's please, please, please make the time for them when they are going through some kind of procedure, doc appointments, times of need and/or hospital stays.  It makes a difference in the overall care process which will ultimately translate into their recovery process. I guess it's called  LOVE! 

When I first came home, my chocolate lab,Woody, was freaked out -- worried, I guess.  He could smell and sense the difference in me.  But within 2 days, he was coming around me and wanting me to love on him. His sweet eyes told the story of worry.  I cannot imagine going through something like this ever again without my animals around me.  They have been a constant source of love! Any of you who have pets understands what I'm talking about. They are my loves big time.  It really helps comfort me when I'm really having a difficult time coping with pain or being emotional.

My friends and family have been so generous to me during this time of recuperation. Actually, they have been beyond supportive through this whole ordeal! I cannot thank everyone enough.  I hope in the future I can somehow give back. I'll figure it out eventually.  It moves me to tears thinking about all the love still surrounding me. I love you all.  I love you beyond words.  You know who you are!!!! ;)

I know my train of thought is all over the page -- hopefully, soon I will be back on track and able to communicate better. I continue to rest and then walk about the house and down the block.  Just don't like these tubes/and my "cajonez" hanging off me. It's quite the picture!  LOL.  I do laugh!  I do laugh a lot more but sometimes it hurts when I laugh really hard.  So now I have developed this silly laugh which makes me laugh more -- oh, well, as long as I'm laughing.  It's the good stuff, right? So when you can, laugh.............It's true -- it's the greatest medicine.

PS.  Just got off the phone with my reconstructive plastic surgeon's office. I have to stop moving for 2 more days - stop my fluid from producing.  But they want to see me on Friday, Sept. 16 -- and hopefully, I'll have my tubes removed!  This translates into being able to SHOWER!!! Sponge baths don't cut it; ya know?  LOL. 

Yes, my cup maybe half full -- but my Cup's still half full (get it?) 

Ciao, Ciao all!

PSS:  Happy BIRTHDAY MOM!!! You are a young 88 year old!  Way to go!  Just wish we could be there to celebrate with you.  We love you so much.