What a day!

As the title states: What a day. Yes, indeed, it was quite the day.  I met my new surgeon, Dr. Paul Hyde.
OMG are the only words I can say!  OH, MY GOD!!!  I still cannot believe how I've landed here with these amazing doctors and amazing people that keep on coming into our lives.  If it weren't for the nuclear medicine doctor making this high recommendation for me to contact Dr. Hyde, I would never have met this genius! 
This man was voted the number #1 doctor in America by his medical community of peers for 2006-2007.  With that said, he is not a premadonna.  He came into my exam room, introduced himself and then proceeded to meet my "team:, Jim and Ash.  Then he began with the basic questions as to how I landed here with him.   I explained and then he went into a full-on exam of my chest and upper body area.  What an exam.  It was very thorough -- different, yet again.  I am finding each doc "has their way of discovery."  But this man did not treat me like a piece of meat or just another patient.  From the beginning, he was empathetic, LISTENED -- completely present. Boy, did he interrogate.  I let him know before he asked that I had never had a biopsy till recently, March 11, 2011.  He wanted to know what the course of action had been up to meeting him.  I told him I needed to have a port placed somewhere on my chest so I may begin Chemo.  We told him what we knew up this point. Some doctors only deal with their "own" team of experts; but he wanted to know what I wanted and what I was willing to do or NOT do, etc.  He made no assumptions, which I really appreciated.  He most definitely wanted to speak with my current oncologist.  We also explained to him we really believe my current Oncologist is amazing as well -- a salt of the earth -- as well as many other important components set him apart from the average doc.(oncologist, that is)  However, we also reiterated that if his own team of oncologists have other recommendations that would benefit my overall cure from cancer then by all means, we would do or go where we need to go.  I am keeping all my options open.  So he's fully aware we are flexible and want the best treatment for my type of cancer.  So he will let me know probably tomorrow or next week as to what he found out through conversation with his people and then my oncologist. 
He also explained to me how he would place the port which was not explained to me before.  He makes sure the port is placed entering from under my right armpit area so as not to make a huge scar that will not potentially heal properly. The port will be just under my skin below my collarbone connected to a vein which will in turn be the catalyst for my chemo treatment.   He does these types of ports about 3-4 times a week; so the man knows what he's doing. Of course I will have to be careful, not get hit, watch out when playing with my big dog, Woody, etc.  This procedure will take an hour and I will be doing it TOMORROW. Friday, April 1, 2011. NO THIS IS NOT April Fool's day. 
When he first asked me if I wanted it done or Monday, I said Monday.  What a knee-jerk reaction!  I'm trying not to do that!  Putting it off, that is!  Oh, dopey me.  My family -- my "team" heard that come out of my mouth, you could have heard a pin drop in the room.  Then their faces said it all.....The look of WHAT?????  Then the doc suggested, not demanded, but suggested that maybe it would be a good thing to have it done tomorrow because it would give me a couple days of rest and healing so that next week I can begin my CHEMO............OH, yeah, the eyes began to fill up.  It was my reality check yet again...........
Dr. Hyde looked at me and asked me why I wanted to wait and all I could say was, "I am still coming to grips with the fact I have Cancer. I guess I don't know any other reason."  About that time I started to get pretty choked up.  He could see the softer, big time marshmallow melting before his eyes quickly.  You know what he did?  He came over to me and hugged me and told me everything I needed and wanted to hear.  He told me I was a strong person that he could see this; that I was a positive person; that I have a very strong support system and that this was going to be a hard journey for me, BUT I will come out of this just fine and be able to move on with my life! I literally clutched onto him.  I didn't do the UGLY cry, but I did clutch onto this man.  All I could say was, "OK. Let's do this tomorrow. I can do this.  I know I can." 

Because he is extremely thorough, I was then able to be scheduled at Scripps Hospital for an MRI w/ dye for my breasts.  He wants to know EXACT sizes and locations of the tumor because I will ultimately be having a bilateral masectomy.  Yes, I am.  I am NOT going to mess around with any potential reoccurances. I don't want to do this again 10-15 years down the road.  NO Way!  Each woman has her own choice/journey/decisions to make regarding this.  For me, it's very clear -- I must level this playing field out so I can have the rest of my life with my husband, future grand children and the new travels and relationships I will be building on.  So there.  There is also some type of blood test that no one has had me do yet, but was taken today also. I must learn more about it but it has to do with all the hormone levels.  Will get back to that one at a later date.   Man, when this man wants something, it gets done now.  I was then scheduled @ 2:15pm today for my MRI downstairs at Scripps.  We had a 2 hr break and went into La Jolla for lunch then down to the beach area.  Funny thing is, I was totally calm and not sick to my stomach with worry.  I know I'm supposed to go through this.  It was so fun to be in an incredibly amazing little city.  The food was soooooo dee-lish.  Then we went to the edge where all the sea lions were hanging out.  It felt good to get back to the coast.  Oh, yeah,  and it was 80 degrees at the coast today.  GORGEOUS. I kept on drinking in the air.  Breathing in the Breath of Life.  So true for me. So true.

So I got back to my MRI area. The nurse came to get me, made me feel very comfortable and made me laugh.  What a character she was.  Apparently, she has also worked with Dr. Oz because she is from back east. She placed and IV in my right arm for a dye that would be administered via a high tech machine I would ultimately be hooked up to. I was then ushered into this room where this huge CAT Scan /MRI unit was waiting for me.  Now here comes the funny part.
I had to get up onto this bed facing down. I had 2 gowns with the open end facing the front - so I could "expose myself" --  It was like lying down when you have a massage. You place your head in a padded holder, Then there was the section that was like a cut out for your boobies.  So as I laid down, in went my boobies and  they just hung there. The next procedure kind of reminded me of a bull in a shoot at a rodeo.........I know what a comparison, but it really was -- except it was for my girls -- my boobies.  The assistant took my right boobie and "secured" it with a holder and she did that with the left one as well. All the while I'm thinking, "Dear GAWD that poor woman has to do this daily?  Oh, well.  They gave me earplugs because the scanner is sooo freaking loud.  No exaggeration either.  What a major noise maker.  
So after I was secure, up I was lifted and apparently moved into this tube like donut.  If you have closterphobia, this wouldn't be as bad as one would think. But it can play with your mind if you let it.  I didn't let it do that to me.  I took it as a time to rest because I'm so tired from all this upheavel of activity.  So I closed my eyes and took myself to my happy places. I was back in Italy, I was back up a certain road I would walk when I was living in Civita D'Antino; I was in Roma at a great restaurant with Amy and Loreto; I was in Hawaii; I was everywhere I wanted to be.  It was truly relaxing.  So there were several 3-minute procedures. The whole entire thing lasted in that tube for about 35 minutes.  It was very relaxing for me. When it was all done, I took my time getting back up, talked with the tech, then I left.  It was that easy.
So tomorrow morning I come back and go in for my port.  I'm not worried in the least.  Yes, it's a new begnning to the next phase of this journey, but that means I can start shrinking the enemy here and reduce their sizes.  I figure if I don't sleep tonight, which I think I will, but if I don't, I will get forced sleep tomorrow. 
I am praying all the time these days. I meditate as well as pray.  I think that's all one can do.  But I am also trying to be me. It's hard for me to be completely me, but I must try.  I want to be more accepting.  And today was a good example of me still trying to control the situation.  So funny how that is.  I am changing, but I don't think for the worse. I am on this journey for whatever reason.  I have to go through that threshold of the unknown for me.  I am still here and hanging in there with the gusto of life embracing me.  I do feel all the love!  It's the most wonderful gift so many of you have given me!  Thank you again!
I am the luckiest and most loved person.  How much better does that get?  So till the next time I write.  I might not tomorrow since I may be out of commission.  But I will continue thereafter.  Keep me in your good thoughts and positive mindset. 

The cup's still half full no matter what! 
Rock on all!
And go dance!  Just do it! 

Wednesday - Over the Hump Day -- literally!

Today was the day I have been dreading yet NEEDING to know what the final results are of my PET CAT scan.  This is a very important test for the oncologist to determine where, if any, there is anymore cancer spreading throughout my body.  I've been trying to keep very busy and not think about it too much.  But, since I'm a human being, of course I thought it about and played all the scenarios in my head yet again.  But for the most part these past few days have been quite a growing experience for me. Wow, wow, wow!

So the appointment was at 10am.  We sat there and sat there and sat there.  We talked with the nurses for awhile, we made small talk about any other subject we could think of to keep ME from climbing out of my skin.  My husband, Jim and oldest daughter, Ashley were there with me.  They are quite the talkers when you put those two together -- dear gawd, they can talk about anything under the sun.  Honestly, I didn't mind that the doc was taking his time with another patient, because they needed him.  But then it was my turn around 11:15am. He brought in his lap top and started in on the "findings."  This is there part where I'm still learning about SLOW, STEADY pacing.  I'm one of those persons that I like to get right to the point and discuss the matter at hand.  I am learning about the simmering process regarding my cancer.  Needless to say, my doc is an extremely thorough and very methodical professional -- serious, yet very empathetic about his patient at hand.  I actually was able to see my PET test result 3-D with my body completely transparent with my organs showing.  The things that were highlighted for the most part was my cancer.  I saw my breast, my axillary (armpit) nodes.  And the greatest things of all -- NOTHING else was lit up!  NO other major organs!  NONE!!!!! I realized this and began to get very excited inside myself.  But had to maintain while he went through every little detail as to what he was reading from the report as well as the visual display on the screen.  We then looked at my body on the screen from the perspective as you would if you were slicing a loaf of bread.  1/8 cm at a time.  It was very interesting to see my body from this point of view.  So the long and the short of it is this:  I'm at Stage 3.  NOT 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Now, I know how it works for a lot of people and they can get very preoccupied with the number game. The bottom line for me is this:  The cancer has not spread to any other organs in my body!  HUGE success!  HUGE!!!! I feel like I have won the lottery!
Yes, this is still serious, but at least now I have a major league game plan that I CAN wrap my brain around. 
I meet my new surgeon tomorrow at Scripp's Hospital out of La Jolla. An excellent surgeon with the knowledge I will need for the future. He will also place my "port" into my body soon for my next process which will be CHEMO.  That will be within the next 7-10 days.  I will be learning a lot more about the new poison/drug I will be entering into my body, but it's one I want.  Crazy to think this, but I want it.  I will be making other dietary choices as well as using Chemo for now.  At a later date, I will have surgery to remove my breasts.  Yes, bilateral -- both. I don't want to take a chance for this stuff to come back and take the other at a later time. I don't trust it.  But it's also my choice.  This may not work for others, but this is my body and that's what I want at this point.
Either way, my day was remarkable.  It could have gone the other direction but it didn't.  For this, I am eternally grateful! 

For all that have been there and are supporting me, I thank you!  Your continued prayers are always welcomed.  I will sleep much better tonight oddly enough.  I am blessed.  I have the best and greatest family and friends! 

Oh, yeah..............My cup's still half full believe it or not!  WWWWHHHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!

Happy Tuesday

Amazing three days.  I feel very fortunate.  I'm keeping myself very busy and going about my regular life.
I'm in the process of learning to meditate which is helping with the anxiety of all that is occurring.  I'm also learning a lot more about my spirituality.  I have a lot to learn and beginning to accept certain realities much better.  It's such a process and I do believe that everyone has their own way of getting to their goals/destinations, etc.  Mine, seems to be this journey.  I am truly a "newby" and willing to continue to learn.  That's all I can ask for at this point.

Today, I've been trying to keep negative thoughts from coming into play.  So far so good.  A person  can "what if...." themselves to death. I should know, I used to do it all the time.  It's amazing I could function at times when something would way heavy in my heart/mind. Perhaps, now with this new road, I will finally begin to open up to more and new exciting adventures without hesitation.  Supposedly, that's what I'm going to learn -- Okey-dokey!  Perhaps, I will become a "softer" person through all this.  Not in the sense of laying over and letting everything take me over, but more on the level of understanding, compassion, MERCY. 
May sound a bit "heady" to some -- you're right.  Pretty heady if you ask me, but I can't help go there now.  I have to do this in order to start to understand better.  I want to pass this fear.  Like I said the other day, I don't want to be apart of this new found sorority of sorts. Well, guess what?  I'm apart of it good, bad or indifferent.  I'm learning also about the control aspect of my life.  I truly have to reconfigure all of it.  I have to be able not to just talk the talk, but I have to really walk this walk.  I must let it all go -- not in a bad way, but truly understand the chips have fallen where they may and now it's time to rebuild myself back up and become healthier than I've ever been before -- emotionally and physically.  Wish me luck. I am going to continue to find the laughter.  That makes me feel so good inside.  I will conitnue to find new peace of mind.  That, too, makes me feel so secure.
Tomorrow morning is big day for me and my family.  I find out the results of the PET Scan test.  You want to know what "surreal" is?  I have the lab results currently in my office SEALED for the doctor and I am not to open it till my exam tomorrow (with the oncologist).  How's that for weird?  I had to put it away yesterday so I wouldn't focus on the results.  Yes, they are there waiting, patiently, I might add -- to be read.  Once again:  It's all determined.  I must have positive thoughts.  Must keep it clear and positive.  I shall open myself up to more love so this intruder doesn't have an opportunity to take more.  I guess I have to fill myself up with so much LOVE that there is NO room for it.  That is making more sense to me each day.  I had to change my mind about this "fight."  That's the first thing we all want to do.  Of course, I want to fight.  But I must do it with LOVE, GRACE, and DIGNITY.
I continue to move forward at a steady rate and will go the distance and seek out all the greatest medical care I can.  In the words of a new friend, "Breathe in the air of LIFE."  That makes sense to me.
I encourage all of you to do the same:  Breathe in the air of life.  It feels pretty good; doesn't it? YEAH!!!!
Now, I'm going to turn on some head-thumping music and enjoy my dogs!  It's 79 degrees out!  WWWHHHHEEEEEEE!!!
Oh, yeah, my cup's half full!
Ciao, Ciao

Happy Sunday

Ok. I'm 2 for 2 meaning 2 great days in a row.  Many blessings come out of really bad situations.  At least that is what I believe.  I had an opportunity today to reconnect with my brother.  I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say WE ARE ON THE MEND.  Blessings big time.  He had us over to his home today.  He and his girlfriend, Denise were so amazingly welcoming and full of fun. I even told them I thought they were a couple of "freaks." They laughed a lot which made me laugh and the contagious antics happened.  We talked effortlessly, enjoyed the horses and then had a blast on the ATVs.  Wow!  What a blast.  I'm not the greatest of riders, but I had my moments.  It was so freeing and fun.  I felt like a kid.  My posture on the ATV was rather hilarious.  I was trying to get aerodynamic with my head low over the bars and my butt sticking out.  What a vision? Right?  Well, if you end up in psychotherapy because of that vision, so sad for you!  LOL!
Either way, it was a wonderful day.  Blessings all around.  Once again, my Cup's Half  Full.  Peace out!

Happy Saturday!

What a great day.  Maybe this is because I slept completely through the night.  Maybe my new found way to meditate is helping.  I'm just a beginner -- mind you -- but maybe....Ever since yesterday, I have been getting stronger in my mind to try to have my LIFE back even if it might be temporary till I get my final results this next Wednesday, March 30.  Either way, Jim, Ashley and I are on hiatus from the deep discussions.  Trying to have a sense of routine I'm finding is so important.  I must say, even though I had a setback on Wednesday night, I feel there were so many lessons that were learned.  I learned I'm not ready to take on a group activity with other cancer survivors just yet; I am not going to absorb someone else's pain or anguish or genuine angst; I am only surrounding myself with love, patience, positivity, BALANCE; I am being more genuine -- which has been needed for a long time -- at a very deep level; I am taking back my life NO MATTER WHAT.  See there were many blessings and lessons learned from the other night.  So with that.........
Jim and I had a blast last night at one of our weekly dates.  It wasn't anything spectacular -- but we made it awesome by being together, giggling, talking about food, people watching, appreciating how hard all the servers at Yard House in Temecula were working.  They were working their cute little butts off!  Way to go crew!  We didn't talk about anything to do with cancer.  We just were us.  How great is that?  For me, it was such joy.  True 100% JOY.  I've been teased in the past by others that think it's funny that I like the simple things in life.  Well, now is one of those major times that simple is the way to go!  I LIKE IT LIKE THAT as the song goes.  It rings true now. I had a very scrumptuous meal of salad with a vinaigrette that was to die for; and a couple crab cakes.  I was so happy.  Those of you who know me and my food appreciation know I was humming to myself as I ate this DEE-LISH meal.  My appetite hasn't been the best recently because of anxiety, so this was so nice to enjoy fresh, clean flavors.  After our date, we simply came home and cuddled, made popcorn and played with the dogs and watched some mindless TV. 

I really like baths -- I soak and surround myself with some good scents.  I tried to meditate -- seemed to work. Maybe it's not the safest thing to do especially if I end up accidentally falling asleep, but it seemed to work.  I felt so relaxed, but mindful of surroundings.  It was about 5 - 6 minutes, but it's a start.  For those of you out there that meditate, is this a bad idea?  It just felt comfortable and seemed right. I hope you don't end up reading about me drowning because I was trying to relax -- that would be just wrong; wouldn't it?  Yes, if you don't know by now, I'm a dork! Or some would say:  Dingy -- whatever!!!!   Either way, I am going to try different areas to meditate. I will be transforming my small bedroom into a little nest of sorts for meditating and yoga.  I am going to sew up some pillows, get my candles in order and maybe put a little tiny water feature in there. I have some beautiful blow up "original" photos of specific areas in the Abruzzo region that I took with my camera while I lived there this past summer that I think would really be a beautiful addition t othe wall in there.  I'm going to give it a try. What the heck.   

So moving into Saturday.... I got to go and volunteer at the Animal Friends of the Valley animal shelter.  I just love going there and helping out.  Today I got to help adopt at least 3 dogs.  One of which was a big guy and he as well as the others deserved to find a forever home.  Talk about a sweet victory. 
One adoption, in particular, made my heart swell for this little lady.  She recently lost her husband of 64 years!  That's such a lifetime of commitment; she also had to put down her old chocolate lab who was, I think, 14 years old.  She was brought to the shelter by her son and daughter-in-law.  What a nice family. They were so supportive of her needs.  Well, I saw her looking at this little maltese cross I had been loving on.  I asked her if she would like to meet her. The little lady said, "Oh, Yes." I opened the door of the kennel room. In it was a chair for her to sit on.  So she sat there waiting -- my God she was so sweet. Her eyes just lit up.  Then I placed the little dog on her lap.  This little jewel of a dog nestled ever so gently into her lap leaning up again her as if this had been her "assumed position" always.  The little lady started to talk with her and pet her.  So what does the dog do?  Oh, yeah, she's no fool -- she looked up at the little lady and licked her ever so gently.  I thought the little lady would melt right then and there.  I know I was.  I got chills and my heart just swelled.  Right then and there -- SOLD!  Of course, I got choked up a bit.  I never do, but for some reason, this little lady needed this love. Can you imagine losing someone after 64 years? It's longer than you ever lived with your parents.  It's longer than some people live.  I was moved.  So after this initial love fest, she placed the dog down to see what she would do.  Well, little miss smarty pants jumped right back up onto her lap.  Way cool.  I suggested then that the rest of her family come in and be introduced properly.  They were so cute and excited for their mom.  She found a companion.   That's what this is all about.  That's what's giving me joy.  Once again, the simple things.  It's working....... Then I  had to go back and start picking up poop........LOL.  How appropriate, right?  LOL
Oh, well, someone has to do it; right?
Tonight, I'm going to hang with all the dogs at the house:  Woody, Chewy,Choli and Chancho.  Choli and Chancho are pugs that belong to my daughter Ashley and her boyfriend, Patrick.  They are over for a few hours.  I'm going to knit this new pattern I'm working on and going to watch yet another mindless movie.  The weather is still not so great, but next week it's going to go back to the 70's and possibly into the 80's.  I am going to continue to plant my new plants for my backyard.  I actually got to plant a lemon tree and a lime tree last week.  How cool is that?  We couldn't plant these up in Northern California where we resided. 
Still, my cup's half full.........Phew!

PS. I keep on forgetting to publicly THANK each and everyone who has been writing me, calling me, texting me, skyping with me from all over the world.  I am eternally grateful to have you in my life.  I can never repay you but I will love you all for a lifetime.  SWAK (for those of you who don't know what that means:  Sealed With A Kiss)

Wow, I thought the day was good till tonight.....

I'm so grateful for today because I wanted it to be "normal."  No doctors, no tests, no subjects surrounding Cancer.  I slept really well, woke up, took care of the dogs and made Jim and myself some breakfast, etc.
I got my hair trimmed/colored and felt so normal.  My friend, Teri, made me feel so welcomed and normal that I forgot for awhile that anything was pressing in the back of my mind.  Big sighs all over the place.  Wonderful!  Got to go shop with Ash for some groceries, did some other errands and then came home. 
My amazing, and I mean AMAZING, loving hubby had cooked dinner already (4:30pm, yes, early) because he knew I had my first meditation class at this wonderful resource center for women with breast cancer. 
I ate my wonderful dinner and ran out the door.  Got there a little bit early and met 3 very nice women.  No one was talking about their cancers. We all knew.  There was one comment about a lady finding out something about her cancer matastasizing, etc.  But no expansion on that subject, THANK GOD!
So we then went into our room for meditation.  I learned a lot. My teacher, Rose, is a wonderful person.  She is so filled with compassion and love and understanding and patience.  She's really a gift.  Amazing woman. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. She does free counseling as well. HMMMM, think I need to talk with her.  Probably will a lot before this is all over.  All the women really trust her.  There is a good bond between them.  I felt very comfortable.
When we finished we came out and sat on couches to relax and talk about what key words will help us to quiet our minds, relax our breathing, etc.  I was making my notes. 
Then the conversation changed.  In walked a woman who had stage 4 cancer.  The woman obviously was really wanting to be here tonight but she explained all the things she was doing before she arrived.  Things I'm not familiar with nor care to know about EVER.  She went on to explain about how she "used to be so strong!" She was "so full of life."  Then when I was about to stop from listening further to this because my anxiety level hit an all-time high right about then, she went on to describe how it all started with her diagnosis and every little detail where it started and where it has gone, what has changed, deteriorated, blah, blah, blah. Enough already!  I was clutching my t-shirt with my hands.  Crazy grip I had going on.
Under normal circumstances, of course, I would have been so understanding and empathetic, but I still am dealing with the fact I even have cancer.  Intellectually, I get she's upset and very scared (just like the rest of us), but I also saw a desperation about this woman.  From what I was gathering, she was doing so many things for her cancer simultaneously that it seemed franetic and over-the-top crazy behavior.  Very dramatic, which I didn't want or need.
So I leaned over to the instructor and in a very low voice that only she could hear, told her I MUST leave NOW and that I was about to freak out.  She understood completely and apologized and stood up with me at the same time.  About that time everyone else stood up.  I think it wasn't just me who was feeling this lady's toxicity!  Once again, under normal circumstances I would have hugged this woman because she needs many hugs, but I couldn't even bring myself to get within 10 feet of her.  All I knew was I needed to get the hell out of there and get home.  I was escorted out the door among the other women that were leaving.  Rose, my instructor, tried to calm me and let me know she is there for me and that we would talk soon.  As soon as I got to the door, I BUSTED out of there and jogged to the car.  Got in my car and IMMEDIATELY lost it!  I mean LOST IT!  Never ever, ever have I done this. I somehow got home.  I believe it was my angels surrounding me, because the cars on the road parted away from me and the lights at the intersections were all green.  I literally got home in 7 minutes.  Hmmmmmmmmmm, a little devine intervention never hurts anyone, now does it?
I got the car into the garage, through my purse and stuff somewhere and ran into the family room to find Jim.  Thank GOD for this man of mine.  I then was hysterically crying.  I couldn't stop.  I couldn't pull myself together.  Bottom line, I was scared this would happen to me.  I keep on telling myself that I don't want to be a part of this "sorority" of sorts.  I have NO desire.  I also know that I don't FIT in a group setting yet especially for therapy.  Not ready. Maybe one-on-one, but NO WAY GROUP.  I simply cannot hear other's stories yet. Not ready. 
Ashley called me, my darling angel of mercy, and LISTENED to me for awhile. I was attempting to write this blog.  She told me to put it away for the night and think about if I would want to write this down or not.  Obviously, I NEED to write about this.  Purging here is so much easier for me to control the doubts in my head.  I do have faith. I know everyone's journey is different.  I just don't want my journey like hers.  Dear GOD, please don't let this happen.  Please!
With all that emotion of mine, I was finally able to get a grip on my emotions.  I took a bath, concentrated on good memories and good affirmations.  I even studied my body for a while.  I guess I'm getting ready to say good-bye to the "girls."  I'm not repulsed, just beginning to resign myself to the fact they both will be gone someday.  Ok.  If it means I'm going to live and be healthy -- take 'em!  Take 'em!  Then I can have new ones put on where they belong!  LOL. 

So, this was last night.  Today, Friday, March 25, is a MUCH brighter day.  I've had some depression this morning, but am doing overall really well. I even ate a big breakfast which I haven't been and a good healthy lunch. I had an ecco cardiogram at the local hospital for my oncologist. That was a piece of cake.  Guess what?  I have a VERY HEALTHY HEART!!!!!  WWWWWWWWHHHHHhhhEEEEEE!!! Of course I do.  I don't feel sick at all!  Nothing.  Just the uncomfortableness of the armpit and my left breast's weight.  To look at me, no one would know.  I've even been told recently that "Lynn's glowing."  So there!
For those of you who care or not, I guess I'm becoming a good example of the highs and lows of this discovery process when you find out about cancer.  But it's name is THE INTRUDER. That works for me. 
It's not welcome in my house (my body) and I want to EVICT it immediately.  I can't promise I'm going to stop crying from time to time, but I AM and WILL kill this Intruder.  I'm no more Ms. Nice gal!  No way!
So there.  That's enough for one day or two.  I have the weekend to try and be "normal." and keep myself very busy.  I have volunteering to do at the animal shelter on Saturday. Those animals need great forever homes and I'm going to do my BEST to find them loving homes.  They deserve a chance. 
See: My Cup's Half Full!  Ciao, Ciao -- onward............

I finished the PET CAT SCAN

Well, today was a quite the day.  For the most part, the beginning of the day was awesome since I had a chance to speak with my youngest daughter, Amy, on SKYPE.  She's like the best shot in the arm for me.  Needless to say, it's very hard for our family to have her so far away, and she, too, feels this as well.  But her life is elsewhere and we support her in any way we can.  She's an amazing person.  Love MY sweetie pie.

As the morning progressed, I seemed to get into my head way too much.  I, once again, was thinking way too much about how much more cancer can be found with this test.  I did a very good job of freaking myself out once again.  One thing that rings true on a daily basis these days are the ups and downs of this process. And we're still in the discovery phase of this disease.  Very anxiety driven if you ask me. But for the most part I can deal with this, but then again, BOOM, I turn an emotional corner and there it is once again getting into my head again.

Later, I somehow was able to put my thoughts aside when I received an amazing phone call from a lovely lady who had a lot of amazing words of wisdom to share with me. I listened intently and attempted to wrap my brain around a few situations that I will trust in.  It was the shot in the arm I needed in order to get in the car to go to Temecula Valley Nuclear Medicine for my test.

I still had those nerves creeping up inside my body.  It's really so strange. I've never had this amount of physical reaction to such events -- but then again, it's not everyday one finds out they have cancer.  I was welcomed with open arms in this office. It absolutely amazes me the compassion I've experienced since I have begun going to doctors down here.  Wow, it's so overwhelmingly positive.  They are ALL blessings.
My family was with me -- Jim, Ash and Amy via cell phone.  Yup, I'm very lucky.  And I thank them so much for their love. Oh, by the way, have I said how amazingly AWESOME my Ashley is?  She's the rock these days for me even while she's dealing with her own health issues.  She is so selfless.  I love you sweetie! Ok................washing my tears back again.  I swear I have the cleanest tear ducts ever! For those who have clogged tear ducts, just cry, it works!  LOL

WE were invited into the doc's private office -- Dr. Ernie Meth!  What a freakin great name, right?  He's from the east coast, articulate Jewish man with a great sense of compassion and humor.  Too cute for words.  He wanted to know, once again, all about me then my medical stuff that has brought me to him.  He shared with us that, he, too was a cancer survivor and that his wife is a breast cancer survivor of 2 years. He was very sorry I was having to go through this but that I was going to be just fine. Wow, how amazing to have those words of encouragement.  We spoke about some amazing docs down at Scripp's Hospital in San Diego.  Needless, to say, I now have a new appointment to meet these docs @ Scripp's next week!  Boy, I sure feel of divine intervention working here everyday around me since this has happened.  Placing people in my path to help me along this nightmarish circumstance. Blessings!  Way cool! Soon after my initial interview, a lovely technician came in to get me so she could administer my radioactive cocktail into my vein!  Oh, yippee-skippee.......It did not hurt. It was rather cool, in fact.  No, I mean cool to the touch feeling as it entered into my vein and ultimately into my body.  No biggy everyone. This "cocktail" can last from 10 mins - several hours in your body. You flush it out by drinking lots of water after the procedure.  Its a type of glucose that finds the cancer elsewhere in your body.  (Oh, please don't let it find more, oh, please don't let it find more).

I sat and waited about 35 minutes to let it travel through my body.  I was then greeted by the tallest, young man with the biggest white smile.  Ok, my turn.  I practically bounded out of the office.  I was obviously full and I mean FULL of adrenaline!  He and I had a nice conversation as we approached the semi with the PET Scan unit in it.  As I prepared myself for the procedure and laid myself on this movable bed, the tech could see how visibly upset and nervous I was.  As he situated me in and gave me blankets to help keep me warm, he asked if he could pray with me.................Needless to say our eyes met very intently and I choked out a YES.  He held my hand as I lay there and said the most soothing of words and asked I would be given the quiet I need to succeed in finding the truth of this situation I am facing; that I would be given the added strength I already possess inside and the love that will follow me.  He said some other very profound words, but cannot remember it all enough to articulate them the way they need to be shared.  With that, he let go of my hand and we began the test.

As the procedure began I felt a little panic and my heart was beating right out of my chest.  I kept on thinking about the prayer and breathing with my body in order for it to begin to relax.  It took what seemed like forever, but it must have been about a few minutes.  My body was still shaking like a leaf -- and then it happened -- I suddenly stopped the shaking.  It was the most amazing thing -- no certain breath, no certain thought -- I simply RELAXED and finished the test. The test ended in about 40 minutes.  I was never so RELIEVED as when I was free to leave.  I thanked my technician and hugged  him; my doctor came out and greeted me -- we hugged.  Wow, all these hugs.  Those of you who know me, know I love the hugs.  But considering how I was feeling:  I NEEDED those hugs today.  No tears, just hugs.  I came out to meet Ashley.  Picked up our stuff and walked out.  AAAAAHHHHHHH, this too shall pass.  This test was finished and I won't have to do this again.  We will find out next week what was discovered.  There is nothing else I can do. Whatever they find will help with my Plan of Attack for this intruder.  I just have to find my surgeon I want to stick with.  I have  good one now, but I must look at the bigger picture for me regarding where these procedures will take place.  I want the best for myself.  So we'll see what happens with the doctor I meet next Thursday.

The best part now is I can have a sense of relaxation. I can breathe for a while. I don't have a sense of panic currently.  I need this time to chill and get into my "routine" of life a bit.  A lot is ahead and I need to rest, relax and be my normal self for a while longer.  So that's what I know for now.  As I see it, My cup's half full. Give me the strength I need.  Here I am and here I will be............Phewwww

Things are starting to move

I just got the phone call from the Temecula Valley Nuclear Medicine group.  They have me scheduled for the PET cat scan for tomorrow, Wed, March 23 @ 2pm.   I can only eat specific foods for dinner and breakfast tomorrow before 8am.  Then I can drink water and herbal teas.  No sugar anything since they will be injecting me with a pharmaceutical radioactive agent into my body.  Doesn't that sound like a good time had by all?  Whhhhhheeeeeee!  After the test, then I can flush it out of me with lots and lots of good water.  Kinds of makes me want to go the bathroom now.  Yikes.   TMI, sorry. I will get my results in 9 days from my oncologist.  Pray I have no other cancers attached anywhere else in my body.  If there are, well, they are going to be nuked anyway.  I just hope it's not in any main organ.  But either way, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT all the way. There are AMAZING advances in medicine now. 

I just haven't said it yet, but I am looking at holistic approaches as well as what the medical field has available. Yes, I'm watching my intake of foods, sugars, NO alcohol, etc.  I'm in the process of learning a lot about what I need to do for myself.  I'm not looking forward to chemo. 
I ask for your prayers, good thoughts, good energy, whatever you can throw my way. 
Hugs to all!  I need a hug.  A lot to take it right now.  I better go find a dog to cuddle with for a while.
Ciao, Ciao!
Lynn

How this all happened....

Hey there!

For those who are wondering how did this all happen I'll do my best to explain.

After coming home from Italy from the summer and I began to settle into life here in Southern California, one night in November I was doing my regular "grazing" around my breasts (self-exam) which I always do out of habit -- this is nothing new for me because I've had very cystic breasts since I was a teenager.  My left breast, in particular, has been the one that has the most mass.  All my docs up in Humboldt County knew about my tissue being very "dense" as they have always told me.  Through the years it's been "status quo" regarding my lumpiness.  Ok, so the questions I already know that are coming up in your minds, possibly, is WHY wasn't there further testing or biopsies.  Good question.  Gotta remember this is through the 80's - 90's era -- I'm a healthy female, child-bearing years, etc.  No one was alarmed. 

Now, it's not to say I didn't think about the fact:  What if something was growing in among the mass?  And, of course, being the type of person I am, I figured I was doing my fair shair feeling and watching and being healthy and knowing there is NO cancer in my family -- well, how could there be anything growing in there?  Not my Tah-Tahs!  I'm too busy for such nonsence and didn't give it any more thought.  Every year, faithfully, I go for my "pickle-tickle" with they gyno (get used to my lingo! Gotta have a sense of humor dealing with me :)) at the time I would be examined for lumps in my breasts. My docs and I knew about the same lumps, they dismissed them -- no big deal. 
Then when I hit the age for mammograms -- did my part every year, faithfully.  About 4 years ago during a mammogram at Mad River Hospital, a technician left my film up on the viewing screen and I saw what I believed to be a "beacon of light".  Albeit, it was tiny -- itty-bitty, I still asked her what was that on my breast?  She dismissed it and stated to me that they have been watching this little spot for a couple years.  It hasn't grown so we are not going to be doing anything with it.  It's probably a little cyst. Not to worry. 
With that, I thought to myself, "Hmm, Okay, they are supposedley knowing what they are doing, I won't then. Great.."  That was the only time I ever heard anything.
So life is happening.  I'm working diligently, doing life just like everyone else.  Just like we all do, I'm starting to move in a different direction in life and Jim (my hubby) and I decided to think it would be a great time now to think about retiring and move to So. Cal t o be closer to Ashley.  The long and short of it is, I RETIRE from HSU, which by the way, was the BEST thing I have EVER, EVER done so far in my life.  I love the people I've worked with! That's a given, but I do not miss the campus or it's inner workings.  It was time to move on to the next chapters.  So I did.  The transition has been relatively easy. 
Jim and I bought the house, got the greatest of neighbors (love them more than they even know.... Hug/kiss you all), Amy, our youngest daughter married Loreto down here in May and then I left soon thereafter for Rome, Italy and lived back and forth between Abruzzo region and Rome from May to end of August. 
What a journey.  Many of you know as I shared on Facebook this was the time of my life. 
I knew I was going to be on a journey of sorts and finding out what next to do.  During my stay there--especially living in Civita D'Antino-- in actuality, little did I know I was in the process of preparing for what I now know to be true -- I have cancer.  But at the time I knew I was resting and healing my spirit of sorts and walking in those glorious mountain roads enjoying the landscape and drinking it all in. I would be listening to amazing sounds of the Roveto Valley below Civita, all the swallows swooping and dancing in the sky above me -- it still sends me back with the most overwhelming sense of love, happiness and peace.  Then, of course, the food, drink, language was beyond my best of the best expectations. Getting the picture?  All that being said near the end of my time in Italy I really was missing Jim and wanting to come home but knew this was still the dream trip of a lifetime and I needed to be present for all that it was giving me. 

But I couldn't wait to come home and be with my hubby. This was the first time in my adult life with Jim that WE were separated this long as a married couple.  I can honestly say that I will never, ever again be separated from him that long. It's ok for me to be gone for a month.  I'm good with that, but never 3 months again.  Poor guy!  LOL

Back to November 2010.  I examined myself and found a lump in my left armpit.  To understand how my brain works you just have to understand I'm always rationalizing why my body does what it does.  So with that, I thought that I had this lump because I was having so many allergy issues -- I had 3 sinus infections in a 2-month period of time.  My glands are known to swell.  So that's what I chalked it up to.  I had Jim feel this lump as well. He didn't know what to think really. We both thought ok, whatever.  How WRONG I was. 

I eventually made an appointment with my now new gynochologist named:  Teresa Stigen, she is located in Fallbrook, California.  She is an awesome practioner and very thorough.  I went to see her and within moments of the breast exam her facial expression changed.  She had heard my history from me about my tissue and being dense, etc. She stated as she was examining me that this was a large mass and that she was going to order a digital mammogram with ultrasound.  She sat with me and also discussed meeting a general surgeon to further discuss the possibilities after the mammo to deal with this lump.  But we would have to wait and see what the results would be.   FREAKIN GULP!  Oh, yeah, my blood pressure went through the roof.  She also wanted me to get a complete physical as well (due to my blood pressure issue... 167/100)  I've never had that high a bp before. But I got scared.  Oh, yes, very scared. 

Hang in there with me, I'm getting closer to current stuff.  Just a little longer.

I made an appointment with a great D.O. named Hue Wen Annie Dai.  She goes by Annie.  She is amazing.  I feel so lucky so far as to the great medical care I'm receiving.  Annie is in her mid 30's.  Very candid, loving, kind, LISTENS, and is a true professional.  I also like the way she was with Jim.  Oh, yes, Jim has been there with me all the way!  He's my ROCK Star!  Anyway.......

Dr. Annie was great about the support of Dr. Teresa Stigen sending me for the mammo, ultrasound and ultimately to the general surgeon.  All my blood work came back great.  She also had me take an X-ray of my chest because of my coughing. I cough a lot due to my allergies.  No asthma, just cough. That X-ray came back clear as well.  All good so far. 

Friday, March 11, 2011 is always going to live with me now because that is the day I went in for my mammogram, my ultrasound and, finally, my biopsy.  The facility this all happened at was located in Murrieta, California where I now reside.  Great office.  Very modern with up-to-date medical equipement.  I was greeted with big smiles and then ushered to the back where I would have all these procedures done. 
When the radiologist, Jim and ultrasound tech came walking back in to my room where I was waiting, my stomach flopped over a couple times.  All I could do was look at Jim and then state, "Uh, oh, you've brought in the troops."  It was such a bottomless feeling for me. I knew they were serious.  Even as I sit here and write, I'm shaking again the way I did. It's still so raw.  I have to get used to talking aboout this still because it's my reality now. 
The radiologist, Dr. Mansfield, was so good with me.  Not doom and gloom like one would think; but he was very concerned about my lumps. We had a very open and honest discussion, which is the way I like to roll anyway..........I prefer honesty and direct conversation rather than sugar coating.  The one thing he didn't understand (nor do I, if you want to know the truth) is WHY I had never had a biopsy EVER administered.
All I could say was:  I DON'T KNOW.  I almost felt a little embarrassed.  But then I was rubberband right back to the present conversation.   He then stated to me he would like to perform a biopsy then and there if I were up to it.  Without even thinking I said, "YES!!!"  As scary as this was, it MUST and NEEDED to be done.  So they contacted my doctor, Teresa Stigen, just in case there would be an issue regarding taking the biopsy because she had already recommended a surgeon for me.  But I let him know that I wanted it done NOW.  So needless to say, the call was made, everyone was on the same page and I was getting a biopsy before I knew it. 

Once again,  I was waiting in a waiting area reeling from what was happening.  I didn't cry, but I was swirling with my own thoughts.  Women were coming and going from their basic mammograms, going about their own business while I sat there and waited for my biopsy to be performed.  Finally, they came and got me and I was placed on an exam chair and laid back.  I was cold but probably more anxious than anything. I asked for a blanket or sheet. They gave me one and tried to make me feel comfortable as best they could under the circumstances.  I had no idea what to expect.  I had the needle biopsy performed.  It's a rather large one.  Dr. Mansfield was so gentle -- as much as he could be.  As he extracted the tissues he needed, which were a few, he would then replace in the area with a titanium marker.  If some of you have no idea what the heck that is, I have now come to find out it's tiny as a sliver from your fingernail.  These will stay in my breast and armpit forever or until they remove anything.  Just like their name implies they mark the areas where they took tissue from which will show others who have to examine my breasts as to the exact location the biopsies came from.  I would be fibbing if I didn't say it wasn't the most comfortable of procedures in a couple of the areas of my breast. Dr. M apologized in a couple areas because it felt like it was coming out of my nipple area.  It smarted a bit.  On the second one that didn't feel so good, I let him know I hope he has nightmares about doing this to me. LOL.  He laughed a bit but he was in the middle of getting some tissue. 
Yes, I still have to crack a very stupid joke right in the middle of his procedure.
When it came time for my armpit biopsy he gave me a very small amount of Lidocaine which caused my heart to immediately react by palpating extremely fast.  The tech who took my ultrasound was there assisting the doc and could feel my heart through my chest beating really to fast. It was one of those OH, SHIT moments.  But I let him know I have a strong heart. He asked me if I had any history of heart problems, etc. Thank goodness it was a local application and not put into my bloodstream.  But it all worked out.  My total time in this office was 2.5 hours!  A very long mammogram.  Glad it's over for now.

Ok.  I have to say, the waiting for the results are the worst.  I'm sure some of you have had your own things you've had to wait for.  I never have been in this position before, so it was maddening.  I kept myself so busy, but then there were those quiet moments and I got very "heady" about what it could be.  I had to keep the faith that all was fine, but I think in my heart  I knew something was wrong.  How could I not, right? 
The weekend came and passed, Monday and finally Tuesday came, but I didn't hear anything back from my Doctor.  The results were to be given to me by Dr. T. Stigen, my gyno.  That was awful, but I didn't want to call either, because I'm a big chicken at this point. Plus I believe that when it's time to know, you are told.  But, yes, I'm a chicken -- bluck, bluck.

On Wednesday, March 16, 2011, I came home from volunteering at Animal Friends of the Valley animal rescue. I work there 2 days a week and love it. Been doing this now for over a month.  Wonderful place.  I need it more than it needs me.  A wonderful group of people and the poor animals are so amazing. 

So I came home and went to the phone immediately because there was No Message on my voice messaging.
Jim was working and on his way home. I was alone.  So I made the call to my docs office.  I asked if they had received my results.  I waited which seemed a lifetime. I was sitting in my office at the desk trying not to think too far ahead.  They came back on the phone and stated the doc was reviewing them now, would I like to wait?  I said NO.  Have her call me when she can.  So with that, 45 minutes later, I received the call.
She was very empathetic but didn't want me to wait any longer and told me the following:

Lynn, the test results have come back positive for Cancer in your breast and in the lump in your armpit. It has spread lymphatically.  You have Infiltrating ductal carcenoma........................

Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok. BREATHE...........Ok. Ok, Ok. BREATHE

I think I asked a couple of questions.  She then stated that she wanted me to contact Dr. Karl Keenan's office but she wanted to make sure she had my permission to get the report and all the films over to him. I think I remember stating, "Of course. Yes."    Dr. Stigen was very reassuring but she did say she was not the expert and I would need and must contact the surgeon so I could get into see him for all my questions.  She gave me the number, she was very sorry for this news, but make sure to contact him as soon as I could so I could begin to get all my answers and be able to get the support I would need. 

Within literally 3 minutes of receiving my answer, Jim walked in.  I met him at the front door. He was  fixed on my eyes. He asked if I had heard anything and I stated yes.  I tried to hold it together long enough to be coherent because what good would it do me or him if I was a pile of mush at that very moment?  As soon as I told him what I knew, he scooped me up into his arms and held me.........We both cried.......
I am again right now writing this.  But this is why I want to write, so I can get through this without crying one day. 
We had to pull ourselves together so we could contact Amy in Brussels.  We had to contact Ashley! My Gosh, I was in a state of shock and went into strategic mode.  I had to remind myself several times to breathe.  To slow down in my thoughts, to keep from running a-muck in emotions.   I never wish this for anyone.  Needless to say, Ash was on her way over. We got through to Amy and was only able to tell her what I was told.  Thank God for SKYPE.COM.  We can see her and almost be there.  Better than the old days of the slow snail mail process. 

By the time Ashley arrived she had already been communicating with those she knew I would want her to communicate with. Then I kept on remembering more and more and more. The list is still going on. My girlfriend, Dori, got over to the house. Patrick arrived, I felt like the calvary was heading in. It was so amazing the outpouring of LOVE!

One thing has rang true:  At least I now know.  No more guessing as to what this is. Now, we can begin Work!  And boy, I have a lot of work ahead. 

Poor Jim attempted some dinner -- BBQ.  He burned the poor bird.  No biggy considering what was happening.  Through all the chaos of notifying family and friends, I was maintaining.  Oh, what a deceitful thing SHOCK is.  They let me talk about whatever I wanted.  Honestly, I'm sure I must have been a blithering idiot, but I was saying something.  It's amazing what your brain does to protect you. Quite an amazing organ!  Very cool. 

I'm not on the computer constantly as one would think because of my cancer.  I'm able to be on it periodically currently.  I think it's my way of dealing with this a little bit at a time because suddenly I have been thrusted into a subject area I don't want to necessarily be a part of.  That sounds like somewhat of a cop-out, but it's how I feel. The first 5 days have been so raw.  Raw with emotion big time. Raw with trying to believe this is really happening to me. RAW with beginning to feel a little angry. Just RAW like an open wound. 

I have to say that with each day I'm able to deal better.  I talk all the time with Ash and Jim and Amy.  I'm not afraid now to ask for prayer, love, positive energy or a hug.  Anyone who knows me KNOWS I'm big on hugs.  Still am.  Always will be. 

Sleeping.  Well, I'm having a bit of trouble in that area.  My anxiety is there primarily when I'm tired.  A viscious cycle.  I have NO rational thought when I'm tired.  It's awful to know this, but it's the truth.  The rationale goes out the window.  Crazy.  But once again, I know it's because life has changed forever.  Nothing feels comfortable but I am incredibly determined to find it again.  And I will!!!!!!

I am doing good things for myself.  Ashley and Jim are making sure I do that.  I want to maintain a sense of normalcy.  It's so important.  I have to maintain my good health so I can fight the biggest fight of my life. I am trying to eat but because I've been so anxious and upset I am losing weight.  yeah, but not.  I have lost 10 lbs in a very short amount of time. I've been wanting to lose weight for a long time now, but not this way.

Ok. Getting back to what I know. 

I was referred to the general surgeon.  Dr. Joel Meyers.  Very young, modern medicine and literally on the cutting edge -- I know, I know, no pun intended.  I'm noticing that these doctors are all about body, mind and spirit.  Loving that philosophy.  He asked a lot of questions about how I'm dealing with this spiritually.  If I have a good support network -- which he saw and now knows about.  Preliminarily, he has stated I'm stage 2 -3 at this point but most likely Stage 3.
And all need to understand this about me:  If I am Stage 4, I still plan to fight with all my being and of who I am.  I am not lying down for this intruder in my body.  No way. It is not welcomed and I am literally fighting mad!  I am pissed it's in my body.  But more importantly, have I passed this onto Amy and Ashley?  Dear God it just can't be!  It just can't be.

So I took a genetic test through the Myriad Gentic Laboratories.  It's a saliva test.  It will tell us if I have the inherited gene mutation that carries cancer for breast or ovaries.  I feel I need to give this gift to the girls so they can find out one way or another.  if I do carry this gene, at least the girls will know exactly what to do.
We will hear something  by next week.  Pretty cool.

My general surgeon forwarded me to an oncologist, by the name of Dr. Bruce Hayton.  We met with him yesterday, March 21,  up in Sun City (about 11 miles from Murrieta).  He used to work for Loma Linda Univ. Hospital.  This man is simply amazing.  Once again, body, mind and spirit approach. We were with him for over an hour and a half.  He wanted not only to hear the medical part of me, but he really wanted to get to know me and my family; our dynamics, our lives.  Perhaps, there is a pattern happening here, hmm?  Love it.
After his exam of me-- which by the way, I'm getting really used to taking my shirt off for all these docs now!  No modesty needed any longer!  LOL!
I will now have to go for what is called a PET Scan.  This will happen within the next 7 - 10 days.  At which time I will also have to meet with my surgeon and have a "port" placed in just below my collar bone because I will begin Chemo.  I have to also have a EKG to make sure my heart muscle is nice and strong (which I already know it is) because there is a certain type chemo that I may have to take -- that weakens the muscle surrounding the heart.  This only happens in 1 -2% of patients.  I would like to think I won't have this issue.
I will be taking chemo to reduce the tumors.  This reduction is ultimately for my masectomy I will have.
Most likely though, I will have a bi-lateral masectomy. It's more cosmetic than anything for the second one, but also it's preventative.  I don't want to have another bout with breast cancer 10 years from now.  I am opting for reconstructive surgery.

Looking at it from a rather humorous point of view: at least with reconstruction, I will get the exact size of Tah-Tahs and have them placed where they SHOULD be!  So once again, I will have perky boobs!

So that's it for now.  I'm pretty drained again.  Recounting this does push me over a bit so I'm going to chill for now.  Going to get out of the house and go do some retail therapy and go wash a couple dogs of Ash's.
Tonight I plan to have a beautiful meal with my true love, Jim and then eventually nestle in for the night.
My home is my sanctuary thank goodness.  But more importantly, your words and love are the power in me.  I am changing daily, but that's a good thing.  I am filled with a lot of positive thoughts for the most part; however, I promise not to drag myself down with a bitch-fest on this blog.
I am thinking about putting more pics on as I "morph" a bit.  I want to keep it real and maybe learn where I need to take this next adventure.
I have always considered myself a person that is a "Cup half full."  And I plan to stay that way.  But literally, now, my other "cup" will be half full!  Let's laugh a lot more!  And if not laugh, smile till your cheeks ache!
And Dance, dance, dance.  I did that in Italy walking down the road by myself.  The locals thought I was that crazy American mother-in-law of Loreto Di Cesare!  Poor guy.  But I wouldn't change a thing!
Till the next time! Ciao, Ciao! And keep the positive energy and prayers coming!
Love you all!
Lynn S. Johnson

Welcome to my Blog!!!!!

Since this is my first Blog, I expect it to be a work in progress. For now, I welcome you, my friends and soon to be new friends, to come along with me as I begin my new journey of fighting breast cancer.

This is a subject I never would have thought I'd experience on a personal level. Needless to say, I was completely wrong. Apparently, I'm on this new journey for a reason. I plan to use my Blog as I try to muddle, fight, and eradicate this loathsome disease.

In the Blogs to come, I plan to use this as a method of communication to all my family, friends, and fellow bloggers, who may wish to share in my experiences, feelings and daily emotions.

Once again, since I am new to this, I have not a clue where I am going. But understand this: MY CUP'S HALF FULL!!!!!