Saw My Radiation Doctor

I headed on down to Vista, CA today to see my favorite doctor, Dr. Koka.  She's an amazingly important doctor/friend in my life now!  She really worked extra hard for me to make sure I got the proper radiation treatment I needed for my particular cancer -- and considering the degree of infiltration I had it had to be a speicalized treatment -- one in which the insurance company balked at allowing this treatment to happen.  The insurance company wanted a "generic" procedure which would not have encompassed the areas I needed.   Yes, I may have had desquimated skin (3rd degree burn) after my treatment, but I know in my soul the radiation got whatever other cells may have been attempting to implant themselves in my body all over again. Either way, I'm alive and flourishing and doing my best to move forward.

I was happy to travel down there with my youngest daughter, Amy, today.  WE always have such great conversations. Love our discussions.  Nothing is off limits. WE talk politics, life, jobs, ideas, whatever. It's great. She was very helpful to me to remind me of a few items I wanted to bring up to her.  I let her know that I was informed by my regular oncologist that I need to pay close attention to Mexican Yam and Flavanoids -- in my particular case because my cancer was hormone driven, I have to be careful of anything that may encourage any kind of estrogen to be reproduced. I had no idea about Mexican Yam and Flavanoids. But I also have been reading labels even more so than I've ever done before looking specifically now for anything soy, high corn fructose (that's a given) soy lecithin, soybean anything and anything that I can't pronounce.  It's proving to be very beneficial for me.  I feel so much better, once again, knowing where my food comes from.  Down here in So Cal, it can be a challenge, but I go to the local farmers market and support a couple very excellent farmers I've been supporting now for more than a year. Their methods and practices are very much in keeping with the methods of the organic farmers in Humboldt County/Trinity County I've know for 40+ years.  I don't mind paying a little more for food I know I can trust. It gives me that peace of mind that was ripped away from me. 

Until one goes through major illnesses or any kind of trauma, it's very easy to dismiss.  I used to big time.  I've always been conscientious, but now it's a different ballgame for me and my familly. 
Since my daughter has moved back from Italy with her husband, we have had amazingly simple, slow foods that we know can only benefit our bodies, minds and overall health.  I love this.  Now, if my weight would fall off, then it would be perfect, right?  LOL!! 

I now practice yoga and do my walking and any kind of cardio I can. I cannot do weight training any longer due to my lymphatic issues.  Can't take the chance of generating friction or inflammation in my tissues.  Ha, something new and odd, but it's true. Sucks the big one, if you ask me since I love to do that kind of exercise.  The other thing I cannot enjoy any longer -- get this one:  No More Full Body Massages!!!!!!!!! I can have massages on my legs and thighs and feet!  I will take that one!  I will.  But the upper body is off limits -- too much stimulation of tissues and cannot take the chance of inflammation developing.  This is one of those moments one can envision themselves standing at the edge of a cliff screaming into the great abyss!  Can you hear me roar?  I've known about this for weeks now, but have not written it down. On my left arm I have lymphatic issues -- not bad because I've been doing preventative treatments; on my right side, I have veinous issues from when I had my superficial clots in my arm when I had my port placement and first chemo injected by that bad, bad, bad chemo:  adrymyacine (spelling is probably wrong and I'm too lazy to look it up right now.) It's bad because of the side effects.  It's good because of what it does in erradicating Cancer -- but it's mean either way. 

Getting back to my doctor's visit.  I will have another PET Scan taken in the middle of September to keep a close eye on my progress.  I feel ok about this one finally.  Maybe I'm finally looking at this procedure as a great baseline of clarity of making sure nothing is suddenly showing back up.  I would be lying to myself and to others if I didn't admit that it brings in anxiety when I have to do these tests. But considering what I've been through I can't help it.  Yes, I'm doing great; yes, I'm living my life; yes, I'm moving forward; yes, my life is getting back to a sense of normal -- but the fact remains the same:  I have to live my life a little differently now. All has changed -- more than I will ever write about.  Some subjects are off limits especially through this type of media.  Suffice it to say, I'm so grateful.  I'm not one to always be thinking about me, me, me, but I've had to give myself permission to focus moreso on my situation.  I have to if I want to live a healthy life the rest of my life -- whatever that means in time............I know I'm truly blessed.  I know I have been spared. I think of those who have not so I must honor their spirits in the fight to make the best of my life -- whatever that may be.

In my case right now, I love, love, love my knitting/crocheting projects. It keeps me focused and it's helping my brain so much to get my memory back.  It's helping big time. (post chemo stuff)  It also means my new friends having to tolerate my weird sense of humor  and temperment.  God bless them so much!  They are so wonderful with me and I can't thank them enough.  My Old friends who love me no matter what!  Thank you! And especially my FAMILY -- they are my rock stars!  I can't express the profound love and gratefulness I have for all of them.  So how can I not succeed?  I'm truly blesssed and I haven't written it enough.  I do tell them -- but I think they are sick of hearing it!  LOL!! I don't care -- I just love them so much, but I do love all my friends so much! 

My strength is still growing and I can't believe that it still does.  When I feel strong -- I feel normal which gives me that strength -- so it's this circle that perpetuates itself.  So cool.  My inner strength is unyielding -- I have my faith, I have my spiritualness stronger than ever -- now if I can only master a couple more things such as not getting wigged out when I go to the doctor, then life will be almost perfect.  LOL! Oh, silly me.  Justs tells me that I'm human.  Never a dull moment in my world. 

My Cup's Half Full and doing well.  Thank you for caring.  Thank you for embracing my words.

Ciao, Ciao!

Yet Another Triumphant Day!

Here I go again expressing myself with a social media forum of sorts.

I haven't written in weeks, yet again.  It's nice to know my life is getting more normal (whatever that means) as I continue to heal.  I don't feel the need to get my emotions out into cyberspace on a routine basis, I guess.

I must admit, I do think about what I would say, and then don't follow through with the writing it down on my blog. But today, I must  write this all down so I can document as well as "remember" what transpired  down in my lovely, La Jolla -- Scripps Medical Center. I had my 3-month follow-up appointment to see my oncologist and my surgeon.

I have to say, I really feel very secure when I see these professionals. I can't always say I love doctors.  There is that fear factor lurking in the background for me now. I remember when I would go to the doctor and think nothing of it.  I would go with no issues in my head and just show up because it was an annual appointment I knew that was needed to be a responsible person doing their duty to take care of oneself -- plus I was younger, more fit and raising kids, working outside the home, etc.  But now, post CANCER treatments, I feel differently. Perhaps, this is only normal considering what I've gone through this past year.  I just "celebrated" my year since my last chemo treatment, which was July 21, 2011.  It's rather ironic to me I can't remember certain birthdays of friends, anniversaries of others yet I can remember that date like I know my own birthday.  I wish I could forget it, but that's not the case here.  I don't really speak about it to others -- however, I did speak about it to my immediate family.  I'm soooooooooo grateful I finished it and survived it!  So grateful for so many things and I pray I never, ever have to relive or revisit chemo treatment again. My body is getting stronger each day and continues to show me that the toxins are leaving my body; yet I still have certain issues that surround chemo -- I can't eat certain foods, tastes are a little different still, etc. But the good news, they aren't that big of an issue.  Maybe I've learned to live with certain changes.  I don't like certain foods -- my tastebuds are different now.  Overall, my body has changed quite a bit from before and I haved learned to live with those changes.
I think I veared off my immediate subject at hand. As I have stated, I saw my doctors today.  With each follow-up visit, I always learn additional information about what I should be avoiding or what I need to check into for my future healing.  I know I will always learn something new regarding how to continue to live my life in a cleaner, healthier way from here on forward.  Sometimes I think we can get overwhelmed at how much information is out there about cancer and how to live post treatments; but one has to be very careful as to what is legitimate information vs. what is sensationalism.  I read a lot of information, but I take it with a grain of salt. There's just so much to absorb.

Both my doctors gushed at how good I look and how healthy I am.  Wow, what a wonderful conversation.  I do feel wonderful and I feel like I'm getting my life back.  I just need more time to figure out a few more things that don't have anything to do with my "physical" being.  Pretty much now it's my emotional state of being. But my overall health is wonderful and I realize how lucky I am.  I am truly blessed and I know it.  I treasure it. I don't take it for granted whatsoever. 

When I walked by my former chemo room today while being escorted into my exam room of my oncologist,  I actually got a little choked up looking and observing the room as I walked by.  That really surprised me.  It must have to do with the fact I just celebrated my anniversary.  I certainly don't miss that room, but I think it had to do with the fact all those hours there were about saving my life while I knew I was ingesting such poison.  In my case, necessary poison.  I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy having to endure the needles, fluid and then the side effects. But I made it through.  I conquered it!  I'm so proud of this fact.

My oncologist had me take a blood test in his office to see if there are any lasting issues that the chemo has left after one year.  I will get those results sometime soon.  I have really good veins, so it was easy to get the draw of my blood.  Honestly, I have no worries.  And I keep that prayer going on without sounding too glib -- believe you me, I don't take anything for granted.

I then left my oncologist's office and took the elevator up 2 more floors to my surgeon, who, by the way, is an amazingly great doctor as well.  He see's me to check to make sure my bi-lateral surgery site is healing well. He also checks my former port area since I had veinous issues.  He assured me that once I get my expanders out that I will once again have a normal sense of relief in my chest area.  Oh, yeah, I still sport my expanders for those who have forgotten this little fact.  It's like wearing armor as I have made it perfectly clear everytime I've written about them.  One thing for sure that has helped me deal with these foreign objects in my chest cavity is to do YOGA!  I roll my eyes all the time that I've taken Yoga for granted all these years by not practicing it the way I should have.  But if I can share with anyone -- whether male or female, YOGA is the bomb!  It has helped me out immensely with my healing.  Wow, I would never have believed this fact. I can move easier now because of it; I have better focus and my joints thank me because of this practice.  I take Letrozole which suppresses the production of estrogen -- this drug affects my hands and joints (ligaments & tendons) in a way that feels like I have RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) at times.  It mainly affects me at night and first thing in the morning. I also get pain in my feet and ankles when I first get out of bed -- I walk like I have a corn cobb up my hiney till my joints get lubricated as I walk.  So weird. But I go about my way and it gets better.  But the yoga has relieved a lot of the side affects of this medicine. Considering the alternative, I don't mind these inconviences so much. I don't welcome them, but I don't mind them.  I know eventually I'll be off this med and can get relief once again.  It will be 5 years from now, but I have  hope!  Always have hope!  Never give up!  Look forward! I truly believe this with all my heart.  That's what keeps me in check.  There are so many worse things.  There really are.  Yes, I may have had Cancer, but I know others suffer worse than I do.

Wow, I keep getting side-tracked about my doctor's appointment.  My surgeon finished his exam of me, which also consisted of listening to my heart/lungs, etc.  He is a very thorough doctor.  I just love this man!  I feel so taken care of.  He turns to me as he was finishing up with the exam and looked at me and my youngest daughter, Amy, and stated, "You are amazing and because of your positive attitude, you have come through this whole ordeal beyond my expectations."  "You are so strong and it's wonderful to see how well you are doing."  Who wouldn't feel good after those comments?  What a shot in my arm! 

Needless to say, I walked (or floated) out of the doctor's office with a great big smile!  I don't have to see either doctor for 4 months.  I will now see them every 4 months -- 3 times a year. Then I will move to every 6 months-- twice a year!  Can't wait till it's once a year. The further away I am from the reminder I have had cancer, the better. 

For now, I feel that sense of relief.  I am so relieved!  I can EXHALE fully knowing I am looking forward. My next step is to figure out what am I going to do now? What is the next step in my life? Will something show itself to me that I need to go into-- meaning new job and/or profession.  Once again, I have no idea what is next. I guess, do any of us really know? Yes, some do.  But I don't want to go back to a similar type job that I had before. It was way too stressful for me and I am going to avoid all that as much as possible.  I realize one cannot avoid all stresses.  That's unrealistic, but I'm not going to put myself back into a firepit.  I just hope I find something that is a great fit for me and that I can make a difference. So we'll see. 

Before I close, I have recently found a new massage therapist for lymphedema who works here in Murrieta.  I feel so lucky to have finally found this person.  She is a teacher in this field. This woman is originally from France and is quite the expert in this field.  I have learned so much from her in the 3 weeks I've been with her. My arms are looking fantastic and my swelling has reduced significantly.  I really don't have a major issue with lymphedema, but that's also because I've been smart about being diligent to avoid any potential issues.  It's a new way of life for me, but it's all worth it.  It's a very common sense approach to taking care of my swelling, but at least now I have a much better understanding as to how and why this occurs.  Once again, yet another blessing in my life has been shown to me. 

I hope to be able to communicate there is a great life after cancer.  I know I'm still recovering and other things could crop up, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'm moving forward with new expectations and, I believe, new hopes and dreams.  I have to have this in order to fully heal.  I don't want to always hold my breath each time something new comes up.  I have had my moments in recent history that I worry about. But I keep my prayers alive and they are proving themselves to be the way to help me; I have to trust, which can be very daunting; and I hope a lot! 
I do see my personality coming back. I also see my light spirit showing itself once again, which makes me happier and I'm getting out more and trying to meet more people.  It's also very nice to know I'm running my house again, doing my "thing" the way I want to.  And the best thing: I don't have to take naps anymore because I have to. I do rest from time to time as needed, but no biggy.  I take a rest for about 30 minutes and then I'm off again doing my whatever.

Thank God for my knitting group that puts up with me and my weird sense of humor and sometimes very  strong opinions.  They have become very dear to me.  I'm just Lynn to them and not the "cancer survivor."  And if they feel that, I'm not made to feel that at all.  They are a wonderful support to me and we share a lot with one another.  (not about cancer, just sharing about life....) Thank You! 

My Cup remains Half Full and continuing forward. Life is good and I am ever-so-grateful for this 2nd chance at life!  I'm here - so hear me ROAR!  God help us all!  LOL!

Ciao, Ciao!

THE RESULTS ARE IN..................

I finally got the call from my radiologist oncologist, Dr. Koka at 9:15am this morning.  She sounded pretty "chipper" on the phone. She asked me how my weekend went and I told her about Jim's birthday party. Then I simply said, "Ok.  What's the verdict?"  And she said, (happily, I might add)"You are 100% clear~ you are cancer free."  Of course, I started to get a little choked up -- even though I know in my heart of hearts I'm doing well, when you hear it from your oncologist that you're ok it brings emotions to the forefront - at least for me that's what happens. 

I think I went somewhere else for a nano second -- my head began to swirl a bit -- RELIEF!  I'll take it anytime!  This kind of news ANYTIME!!!

Of course, I said, my thank yous to her. She specifically told me to go have a great day -- which I will. PLUS, it's Jim's 50th Birthday today!  What a great gift for him and our family!  What a brighter day it is all of a sudden, right?

So after I hung up, I stood in the middle of my kitchen along with my dogs laughing!  Closed my eyes and laughed and held onto myself.  The dogs, of course, started to get all excited and swirled around my legs.  Of course when I hugged on them for awhile, the tears began to stream down my face.  I know, I'm such an emotional person. Oh, well. I have the cleanest tear ducts around! 

I started to text my core group of friends and family with the news.  What a great support system I have in place.  Talk about feeling that love and positive energy!  All those prayers!  All those prayers help me out so much!

I then called my 88 year old Mom. I was crying, and she answered -- so I got myself together to tell her. She started to laugh and cry right along with me. These are the treasured moments that I love.  I still get to contact my mom. She is 88 years old and who knows how long I have her alive and well and able to share with her.  I TREASURE these moments now more than ever. I'm so lucky.

So now I get to bounce on in to my knitting group this morning with some great news.  Not sure how much knitting I'm going to get to, but I don't really care.  I just want to smile!

I've decided to go to the pool today at our HOA and do a symbolic backwards splash -- going to fall backwards into the pool with my arms spread out and a big smile on my face to say:  AHHHHHHH!
Another hurdle has been cleared!  I want to relish in this for as long as possible! And with God's grace wrapped around me, I hope for many, many, many years to come!  Either way, my work on this earth is not over just yet, so I'm going to make the best of it, right?

Oh, heck yah, my Cup's Half Full!  CHEERS ALL!  AUGURI!

Ciao, Ciao!

4th PET SCAN Over and Done

I just came home from my 4th PET Scan @ Scripps Medical Center. 
My morning started at 2:15am with a snack since I cannot eat anything for 6 hours prior to my scan.  My scan was at 10:30am, but I awoke well in time for something to snack on. So I had a half a banana, an itty-bitty slice of lean meat and then a handful of raw almonds.  Then chugged water.  I woke up again at 4:15am still in time to eat something, but decided my sleep was more important at this point.  Got up @ 7am and began my day.

Took off to the hospital with my hubby. He's such a great support and I KNOW how lucky I am to have such great support when others out there don't ever have anyone go to the doctor with them let alone to a test such as this one. But he's always there for me.  He's wonderful!

Drove down to La Jolla without any incident, thank GOD.  Traffic was pretty decent at this time of morning.  No idiots darting in and out of traffic.

Upon arrival to the pavillion my testing takes place at on this medical center campus, I had to do my usual paperwork, but before long, Mark, my technician came out to get me.  I hadn't even ingested my 1 quart of lovely liquid.  Mark told me we could get it all done in the back this time.  So off we went with all my stuff in hand and waving at my hubby as I left the waiting area.  Thank goodness I have my knitting or crocheting projects with me whenever I go to a docs office now. It keeps me sane and calm. 

Got to the back and immediately get situated with my warming blanket that has a blower attached to it that keeps you nice and toasty warm cuz they have to keep everything back there practically at sub-zero degrees. Keep germs/bacteria from growing..........I can deal with the cold as well as the warm. My body is always so warm these days since I'm "menopausing."  ARGGGHHH.....But I embrace it rather than complain about it.  It is what it is, right?

Mark had to take my blood sugar level to begin with by pricking my finger. I was fine. Can't perform this test if I am diabetic - may give false positives.  Then he had to start a port in my arm so he could inject the radioactive material -- the contrast -- into my veins called:  Omnipaque. No, it doesn't burn, hurt or anything.  Just gets main-lined into my body. The idea is that it will highlight any cancer that may be in my body/organs.
So, of course, being who I am, I start my mantra/praying that it's not going to stick to anything.  It's going to go through my body and right back out!  While I was there I did pee a few times!  I know, TMI, but you get the gist of it, right?  After he injected the contrast, he removed the port from my arm. Then, this was a first for me, he asked me if I wanted crystal lite in my 1 quart of fluid to help ingest it better!  Wow, I was so thrilled to find out they offer this now!  Simple things make me so happy, I know. So I chose the lemonade flavor!  Have to smile...or even giggle...I did both.

When he brought my "cocktail" to me, we toasted to a successful test and I ingested that quart down with no problem.  I downed it in less than 5 minutes.  It was really tasty.  WHATEVER,  RIGHT?  Like I said before, simple pleasures.  Hey, if you have to go through this type of procedure, you want it in the easiest way possible. 
Then I sat there for 45 minutes till it was well absorbed into my body along with the contrast.

I sat there in my easy chair all toasty warm crocheting my latest afghan.  I love, love, love my zen with knitting and crocheting.  Anyway, before I knew it, it was time to go get into the cat scan machine and close my eyes and go to my happy place for 35 minutes.  They play this background music for distraction purposes -- it was very native american sounding -- loved it.  made it easier for me to go to my happy place.  After it was finished, I was escorted out of room, met up with Mark my technician which he said to me, go out and enjoy the rest of your day. Your doctor will have the results by tomorrow.  As I said my good-byes, I had to exhale and walk out with my dignity still in tact.  No big whoop, right?  Let's keep praying nothing is trying to come back.  But once again, in my heart of hearts, I know nothing is there.  How could it come back when I had some major drugs and radiation pulsated through my body.  I know there is that possibility, but I choose to be only HOPEFUL!  I can't be going through all this for nothing. I can't.  I feel it in my soul.  Either way, it's done and finished and the results are in.  I wonder what it must be like for the doctor to read all these results and make determinations in peoples lives each and everday. Meanwhile, we, the patient, sit and wonder or we do our best to distract ourselves and try to maintain our daily lives without getting too caught up in the unknown.  What a process.  What a journey for all. It's true that it takes a community................

So Jim and I got in the car and swifty drove to Little Italy in San Diego. My first time there.  It was really wonderful and relaxing.  We were going to go to a trendy restaurant when we passed by a cool little pizzeria. It was so much like Italy that I had to stop there and order a couple slices. YUMMO!  We sat on the sidewalk munching away. Finally, my blood sugar level was back to it's norm!  I had food in me!  My perspective was back on track.  Hadn't eaten since 2:15am and was grateful I had done that but i was way empty of nutrients.
After our meal we found out about an Italian bakery. We eventually found it and went in for the kill on cookies!  YUMMO!  Oh, boy did I enjoy a good cookie! 

Our drive home was much more blissful, I have to say, then going down to my test.  And I'm a firm believer of making sure to do something good for oneself after any kind of test or appointment when it can be stressful.  So that's my thing to do for the day. 

Since I've been home, I've slowly but surely have felt the emotional letdown of the day. I didn't do anything in my normal way, but am bushed.  It's in my head, I realize, but I go with it and am now writing my thoughts down whether anyone cares or now. It's, once again, for me to get it out of me and my body/head. Have to. But the good news is I am looking forward................in the future..............Tomorrow I continue on getting ready for my husband's 50th birthday party.  Having a small gathering but it's still organization of foods, drinks, and stuff.....Can't wait for his day and see his smiling face enjoy. That gives me pleasure big time to know I can feel like I can do something for him and stand in the background watching him enjoy his party with his new friends.  And I love the fact he's FINALLY 50!  Yes, I'm the older woman in his life -- I'm his cougar.  LOL!!

Cups staying Half Full. Till my results come in. Please keep us in your prayers and good thoughts.

Ciao, Ciao!

New PET SCAN Schdeduled

Thought while I was thinking about it, I would write an update.

I just received my scheduled appointment for my PET Scan.  It will be May 31 @ 10:30am -- Scripps.  They are so wonderful there at that particular part of the medical center.  I can't say I'm looking forward to drinking my radioactive drink -- 1 quart of that lovely substance, but I can down that stuff now with the best of them!  Doesn't taste like anything -- has a slight sweetness to it so it's palatable.  You wait 45 minutes for the liquid to travel throughout your body and hopefully NOT ATTACH itself to any cancer cells!  It's attracted to glucose in your body which is where cancer likes to attach itself. 

Even though I feel wonderful and believe in my heart I'm still cancer free, that little voice creeps in and starts it's own mantra of sorts with the I wonder IF.............. Do you think it may be there? Could it be again? What if................

But then I get pissy and stop that nonsense. I am human afterall and I fall from time to time.  So I ask this out there in cyber space:  CONTINUE YOUR PRAYERS.  CONTINUE YOUR MANTRAS whatever they may be.  But I am asking, keep me and my family in your prayers,  good thoughts, good energy and postive affirmations -- it never hurts to ask, right?  So I'm asking.  All of you who have heard me in the past have been the best at giving back and I am eternally grateful for all of it!  I hope I can give back more as well.

Once again, this is part of the process after going through cancer treatments. And I'm with a group of doctors that are extremely PRO-ACTIVE and I LOVE IT!  I feel lucky beyond comprehension that I have such an amazing group of professionals -- not just the doctors, but all their staff members who work so diligently to do their best for their patients.  They deserve the extra kudos!

Anyway, I will receive my results in a 24 hr turn around period -- not sure if my doc will call me on the weekend, but I'll be happy to hear it on Jim's Birthday, which is Monday, June 4.  It will be a double celebration, right?  Gotta keep the faith and the positive energy flowing NO MATTER WHAT!  And if I freak out a bit, oh, well, I will then get back up and begin again. Or go do some more Yoga!  LOL

Ok. Done for now. Keeping the Cup Half Full ~ STILL!

Ciao, Ciao

I'm Still Here!

It certainly has been awhile since I've made time to write here.  Once again, I always question:  Why would anyone want to read my blog?  But it's amazing how many friends tell me they want me to write. 
Ok, since some of you are requesting something, I will begin or continue to write even if it seems mundane and non-sensicle (word?) Either way, I will try to bring you all up to speed.....

Up till today, all I've been doing is trying to live my life normal -- whatever that means.  I've been creating routines -- that's been a big help for me.  It's interesting for me to observe what my life used to be and now how it really is...... I begin my day by feeding my dogs.  I then make sure to do some sort of exercise.  YOGA is proving itself to be the way to heal for me.  It's helping me to not only get centered, but it's helping me physically to get my flexibility back and there's some pounds beginning to shed.  All those months of not moving really seized my body. My pelvis and lower back were stiffening up to the point where I was walking like a person who had "issues."  This regular regime of yoga is helping me big time. I'm able to stretch  the way I could when I was in great shape.  While doing yoga routines, I sweat like a pig!  I feel the toxins being released and it feels so good to lighten that load out of my body.  I have many challenges considering I still have those lovely "expanders" in my chest. They pinch me when I perform certain twists and turns.  I will have those in  till 2013.  Seems like a long time, but remember, I'm still healing.  Yes, I may be looking more "normal" and acting more "normal" but I'm far from "normal."  It's a harsh reality for me to admit that and to even say it out loud. But it's going to take me months to get my complete energy back; but I have to say, I'm on the road.........I love the fact that I'm not having to take naps now.  I rest around 3:30pm each day for about 1/2 hour.  I MUST listen to my body.  If I don't, I pay the price big time by not having energy the next day to go about my business.  And for me to be able to do normal activities is essential. 

I want to and continue to strive for relevance.  That's why it's so important for me to have routines.  My mornings are filled, thank God!  I can do all my housework now without issues.  Because of my exercising and routines, I can bend and stoop and lift some heavier things easier now. Yay!  I know what I should and should not be doing.  I have nothing to prove to anyone.  And I think I have my ego in check pretty much now.  I don't hesitate to ask someone at the grocery store to help me, if I need it.  But for the most part, I don't need assistance. 

My hair has grown so quickly.  Wow!  I've had 2 haircuts now.  I've even had it "thinned."  Can you believe that one?  Thinned out!  Love that.  My hair is a bit darker now, but I'm still salt/pepper looking; and I love it.  I think I will grow out my hair to get some kind of bob cut, but we'll see. I really like the no-fuss short hair cut I'm sporting.  And I always wear my earrings.  My eyelashes are still growing and falling out from time to time.  That's part of the healing process.  My eyebrows are still thin, but I see evidence of new growth all the time.  My skin is bright and clear -- it's the healthiest it's ever been.  I have to say, I do look good.  But I still haven't updated, my picture on this site just because I keep forgetting.  Even though I forget, I have to say, my brain cells are regenerating!  Thank you, God!
It's getting better regarding my memory loss.  I do little brain teasers to help myself remember.  I can forget simple conversations, which is so strange and unconcerting to say the least.  But it's getting fewer and farther in between memory losses.  I don't dwell ~~ I go onto the next.  It seems to work best for me this way. 

I had to go to my radiology oncologist today down in Vista, CA.  Love her!  She's the bomb! Even though I don't like going to these appointments because it's a reminder to me that I've had cancer -- I still like seeing the staff.  They are amazing professionals who really care and do their jobs so well.
My doc examined me thoroughly.  It's not just having a conversation; she really checks me out very thoroughly.  My radiation scars are doing well, but she did tell me today that one area where my skin was completely desquimated will probably stay light the way it has healed.  Then there is another little area at the base of my neck that is darker -- that too, may stay this way.  Either way, I'm not tramatized by this fact.  To me it's like: Oh, well........Could be worse.  My doc told me she's in AWE of me. I was rather shocked by her comment.  I don't think of myself ever moving anyone in that manner.  She shared with me that so many people don't stay up-beat or have positivity in their life the way I do.  I shared back with her that if there tables were turned, you, too, would be moving forward and doing all that you could do to improve your fight with cancer.  But she told me she wasn't so sure if she could or not.  But that she appreciates my ability to view life the way I do.  That was so amazingly nice for her to share with me.  It truly moves me deeply, but I still feel that anyone would do what I've been doing.  I'm not so special -- I'm me who wants to LIVE and live a long time, I hope with all my being. 

I think of myself sometimes as being a big baby about things.  Sometimes I pay way too much attention to the creaks and cracks in my overall health.  I think sometimes I think way too much; I think sometimes I get way too much up into my head. But that's what makes me human............That's why I keep myself so busy.  I hate it when I allow myself to over-think. 

I'm looking forward to figuring out what I want to do with my life when I grow up.  Not making too much head-way presently.  I know it's supposed to "show itself" to me some day, but there is that side of me that is a control freak still -- and I want some answers NOW.  I think many of us can relate to that, right?  Either way, I am still learning patience and being in the present moments. For the most part, I love my life!  I'm happier than I've ever been and  I like myself so much better than ever and I know I still have so much to live and accomplish.  So we'll see.  Something, please show yourself someday to me!  LOL!! For now I continue to knit and crochet (still my ZEN!!!!); I garden and am learning about succulents and cacti. I dance around whenever I feel like it; And I laugh whenever possible; I keep on hanging with my dogs and am making new friends.  There are some special women in my life now -- whether they realize it or not, they keep me in check and I'm allowing myself to be a better friend.  My amazing and wonderful hubby is still my rock and always will be.  But the cool thing is, I find myself becoming his rock once again, too!  And, of course, my daughters are simply amazing people.

It astounds me how quickly time passes by and I can say I make the best of it.  Looking forward on this journey and looking forward to see what the next chapters are.  Maybe the next time I write, I will have something more interesting to share. 

I still feel overall my Cup's Half Full. 
Ciao, Ciao!

PHEW! This DAY Passed......

I just have to share that today was a good day.  After I planted my rose bushes, I was so exhausted from the digging part and fighting with some of the so-called "rocks" we have in the soil, I came into the house and collapsed into my chair.  As I rested, my whole perspective on the day finally changed.  It's so weird how intense my emotions were and am half embarrassed by it -- but it's funny when one is sleep deprived how ridiculous one's perspective is. 

Then, I received a phone call from my youngest daughter.......She then asked how my week had been.  One thing, we JOHNSON's do is talk very openly now about our emotions.  And they made me promise to talk with them. But I forewarned them that "you better be careful as to what you ask for." 
So I opened up to her and told her what I have been "feeling" leading up to yesterday.  And, once again, when I finally was completely honest I was able to get past whatever the heck was eating at me inside.  And, yes, I have to admit, I really, really feel such relief. 

As the night progressed, I was enjoying my family time -- yes, I made that wonderful meal and they loved, loved, loved it -- as did I.  I retired for the night and slept like a baby. Only woke up twice but no big deal -- went right back to sleep.  I was unconscious and no dreams last night.  Just slept deeply.

I wake up today and was ready for today's adventure down to San Diego with my family.  And what a day we had.  My daughter had to have a medical test; as I waited, I was able to knit like a crazy fool. Loving every moment of it. (FYI- her medical test didn't hurt and went really well). ANYWAY..........

We went to a coastal restaurant after her test and celebrated.  Nice place and had a chance to enjoy the seagulls and harbor seals. Made me feel a little homesick for the Northcoast.........But I still lov the weather down here so much better.

Today has been a good day overall and am looking FORWARD and not BACKWARDS any longer. 
It's supposed to rain all weekend and am looking forward to getting some rain!  So Cal is lacking big time in that department.  I want to nest!

I'm hanging in there and doing fine and looking forward again.  I'm so lucky to be alive and well.
I know the prayers and good wishes are coming through big time.  I feel it! I feel it!  And, more importantly, I know it.

Ciao, Ciao

What is Wrong with ME?

I feel the need to write today due to the fact tomorrow, March 16, 2012, will be the first anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  Some would say that this day may be one of celebration and others may say this may be a day of sorrow.  All I know in my heart is that I feel so sad. 

How can this be?  How can I be feeling sad when just last week I got the fantabulous (my word - fabulous and fantastic wrapped into one word) news that I'm cancer free.  I have been so happy and relieved all at the same time; however, I also knew this anniversary was coming up and have been trying to put it out of my mind. I just want this day to go by and not have another thought about it.  But, once again, I am ME and I have a tendency to over-think things, I guess.  Perhaps, I haven't been busy enough -- I sure have been trying to keep myself busy everyday and try to have a sense of norm.

I also had 2 appointments scheduled today with my oncologist and my general surgeon (just as a follow-up).  I woke up about 4am this morning thinking about the day ahead, etc. It was just eating at me about what could be said at the doctors' offices today. I had this epiphany of sorts that I simply don't want to see another doctor until I get past this anniversary. I just want a sense of freedom from doctors.  I'm so sick and tired of my life being wrapped around the next doctor's appointment.  I'm sick of it.  I know it may be my immature or denial of sorts not facing another doctor's visit -- even though there is good news.  I'm so sick and tired of these doctors.  So I called both doctors' offices today and rescheduled. 

I have a sense of relief for now even though next Thursday I will have to go to these appointments. It is what it is, but I just needed this week to get over with.  Tomorrow I do have plans to be out of the area with my family -- we have appointments down in San Diego for my daughter. This will be a good distraction because it will not be about me.

When I was running some errands this morning, I was feeling sad quietly to myself.  I had parked near a business I had to go into when I saw these 2 women who are in their twilight years walking  out of a salon.  They both were having a regular conversation with one another as they departed the business. Then suddenly one of the 2 women reached out for the other one's hand and took it into hers.  You could see they were dear friends just caring for one another as they walked off.  It struck me, once again, how wonderful life can be with dear friends -- reaching out to one another and being there for one  another.  It showed me again, how important it is to show the ones you love or care about that life goes forward no matter what else may be going on in our lives.  Make the most of your life and appreciate what we/you have. 

Apparently, I haven't been near my close friends of late, but they are always in my heart and in my thoughts.  I spend a lot of time by myself, which is a good thing -- but sometimes it can be very lonely.
I'm not complaining because I do have such a wonderful life here; but sometimes I wish I had my friends close by to let them know I care about them.  Thank goodness for the cell phone where you can text them and say a little shout-out ever so often. I don't want to bother anyone at their places of business, but at least they may have a little message ever so often that I'm thinking about them and that they are in my heart.

The good news is tomorrow will come and then go away.  And I can't wait for that. Tomorrow I will be busy with my family and that will keep my mind off this stupid anniversary.  As I have said a lot in the past years:  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  And it is very true. I have gotten through so much this past year.  How can one day in my life upset me to this point?  How do I let this time go by because of the way I might be feeling?  Seems rather a waste to a great degree, but the fact of the matter is, my life changed forever on that date.  It has... Good, bad or indifferent -- it has changed.  I guess I just have to feel these emotions and then be done with them. I want to throw them into some crater because it's really not like me to waste time on something that has already occurred.  I know this is a normal experience I'm going through and may not be the last. But thank goodness I can write it down, get it out of my head and go on with the rest of my day. 

I plan to make a lovely dinner for my husband and daughter.  I also plan to treat us to some sort of bad-for-me dessert. I frankly don't care if they are empty calories, fatty or whatever.  But for now I will indulge, enjoy and have no regrets!

The only thing I regret is allowing this Cancer journey to get me down today.  So I am going to turn it around and be happier in spite of it!  As I have been told many moons ago:  Kill it with kindness.  So I will.  Then later, I will laugh about this day, possibly shake my head and close the door on this chapter, I hope, forever. 

I think I'm going to go plant some rose bushes I have sitting out in my backyard waiting to go into the ground.  I love this time of year.  I love the "new beginnings" of life. Perhaps I just found my happiness again -- go plant my bushes.

Onward!  Tomorrow will come and go and I'm happy to report I'm still around and getting healthier each day!  I guess we're never too old to learn and appreciate!

Ciao, Ciao!

GOT MY PET SCAN RESULTS

I have an extremely short blog tonight:


I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!  I AM CANCER FREE!!! OH, DID YOU HEAR?  I AM CANCER FREE!!!

That would be me yelling from the tops of the mountain top in Civita D'Antino, Italy!!!  HEAR ME ROAR!!

Oh, yes, MY CUP'S HALF FULL!


CIAO, CIAO!!

Long Time NO BLOG!

I thought I should get back on the site and say a few words as to what has been going on lately.  I haven't been on due to not taking the time to write down my feelings.  Plus, I don't like to write when I don't feel inspired in some way.  I do have to admit, I often wonder WHY does anyone really care what I have to say anyway?  But from the beginning this platform has been solely for the purposes of getting my emotions out of my body since I was diagnosed. 

I have an anniversary coming up regarding my diagnosis.  It will be one year as of March 16 that I found out I had breast cancer.  I have to say, I'm not freaked out by this anniversary at all. I don't consider this day one of celebration rather one of awareness and a stark reality that, I, too, am like so many others that unfortunately had to begin this road of HEALING. 

If you have followed me all along the way, Congrats to you!  You, too,  have experienced some of the trials, tribulations, fears, love, and new found freedoms I have shared along the way.  Grant it, I haven't written ALL that has happened or has changed in my life for the simple fact it's simply too private to share.  This forum goes out all over the world and I was once told that if you cannot write something on the social media that all can read freely without causing you great worry or concern, then you better not write it at all.  So I'm comfortable with what I have shared and I'm also very, very comfortable about which I have chosen NOT to share.

With that, so what has Lynn been up to since the last blog?

I've been trying to get into a regular routine of sorts for myself -- whatever that means. I simply don't know where the day flies by -- before I know it, I look at the clock and it's 3pm or 5pm or 7pm. Amazing how time is flying, but I don't believe I'm wasting my time. 

I have to admit, I cuddle with my dogs each and every morning (most mornings anyway).  Woody, my big Chocolate lab "assumes" his position on the bed.  Of course, I have his special blankie so as not to spread his lovely hair everywhere.  He's a special guy because he really doesn't shed like so many other labs we've had over the years.  The Yellows really shed big time.  We had a black lab for years, Bacardi -- Cardi for short-- who didn't shed that much either.  Either way, I take no chances and keep Woody's blankie ready and available upon his entry onto the bed.  Chewy, my little guy -- he's a Morkie (Maltese, Yorkie mix). He's 7 lbs now and still likes to cuddle big time. Of course, he assumes his position tightly up agains my neck.  I still am amazed at how he can roll up like a little ball.  When he's completely warm and cozy, he stretches out like "dead dog" with his little legs stretched out like a stiff board. Pretty funny to see.  Either way, that's how I start my day. 

I usually go to PT to work out twice a week.  I'm on a special program to get me jumped started back into to an exercise routine.  I asked for this assistance because I hadn't worked out for so long and also, I was wanting to safeguard my heart since it was radiated on the lower lobe.  This has proven to be a very good avenue for myself because my PT -- Dr. Rey, has been there watching my every move.  I'm monitored and pushed to move forward. It's also helped me to get the confidence again in my ability to get that heart rate back up there.  I still experience a little light-headed activity after I've had a big workout. When I bend over to stretch -- as I lift my body back into the upward position, sometimes I get light-headed.  So I have to pay more attention on my BREATHING.  My PT is all over me about my breathing.  It's going to take time, but I am proud as to how I'm bouncing back and getting stronger.  I have a ways to go, but at least I'm at the point where I feel stronger and more confident.  I haven't begun on weights as of yet.  I have a lot to learn about my potential to get lymphodema.  I'm a little hesitant to tug and push using my left arm (this is where I had 18 lymph nodes removed from my armpit - axillary). Although yesterday I was out in my backyard attempting to plant 5 pink Jasmine vines up along my arbor area. This so-called "soil" we have here in Murrieta, really is a joke. It's hard like cement because it's ground up granite and sand. Horrible, horrible stuff.  I can't even call it earth.  It's just muck.  So it's quite the workout as one can imagine for the simple act of attempting to dig a hole for a plant.  I was able to get only 2 of the 5 plants into the ground.  But what a workout.  Wow!  It felt great but I couldn't help wonder if this is going to cause me lymphodema.  So I stopped pushing it. I did my best as I could for now and will get my ever-so-faithful hubby to finish the job for me.  I love, love, love to garden.  It's also a zen-like experience for me.  Recently we planted a huge fruitless olive tree out in an area of our back side yard that will be part of a courtyard we will begin to build soon.  This tree is so majestic.  I love it. We will bring in a couple more similar to it to balance it out in the landscape. 

OK. Now, I'll talk a little more about how I'm fairing regarding doctors' visits.

I just had a PET Scan at Scripps 1 week ago ( February 24, 2012).  I know I should be used to all the testing and other rigors that are expected of me. For me, it's like a double-edged sword. I want to know but I don't want to go through the tests for the simple anxiety of it.  Sounds strange maybe to some, but for ME I get a little anxious at the prospect there might be more cancer to be found.  Now, having written this down/saying it/admitting this, the logical side of me says, "How can cancer possible be there when my last PET scan came out clear as a whistle?  How can it possibly live in me when I was chemoed out and radiated almost to death?  How can this be possible?"  I think it's a very normal process to wonder and concern oneself with the prospect it can still come back even though my type of cancer wasn't/isn't aggressive.  The docs all tell me this is very normal and I will get more relaxed about it as I get further out FROM my treatments.  The more a normal routine I get the better it will be for me. I know I probably wouldn't be feeling so much this way if I were working at a job currently because I would have better things to focus my attention on. That's why I keep myself very busy doing whatever I can to be as normal as possible and not to focus on my health so much.  Yes, I still have to take care of myself -- I have changed so much in my lifestyle, which has been a great thing.  But when one has relevancy in one's life, it makes one feel normal.............AW, NORMAL. It really does feel so good to be feeling stronger, healthier and alive.  I have to say, each day it does feel more normal for me -- whatever that is anymore, but it does.  I only have issues when I have to go see a doctor. I have to laugh about that because it's not like I'm being hurt physically -- it's just I don't want to hear any bad news.  There~  I said it!  I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY BAD NEWS. I simply don't want to hear it.  NO, NO, NO.  It's like this pendulum that swings from one extreme side to the other with me.  Once again, I've been told this is very normal to feel this way.  I have to say/write, that I'm always relieved completely once I admit this is how I feel. My poor hubby --- he listens to my angst a lot of the time once I admit my true feelings. Thank GOD for my hubby.  He's so strong for me.  He listens and then hugs me big time.  And then he has the audacity to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful!  Wow!  how can he believe that?  LOL!!  You know, beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder!  And I'm so lucky to have my mate loving me this way.  It makes all this craziness get put back into perspective.

One would think I would be having issues regarding the loss of my breasts.  Now, I'm going to be point-blank honest here:  I DO NOT MISS MY BOOBS!  I simply don't.  I think I did a good job of divorcing myself from them when I had to face that decision. But more importantly, for ME, cancer was inside my body and I wanted it out! So the trade-off has been fine for me.  I really like how my tops fit on me now.  Yes, I'm still a work in progress considering I'm not fully "reconstructed" yet, but I still like the major reduction.  I still have to heal COMPLETELY inside and out of my body before my doc will do the final surgery.  I find it a little funny that I still have bras in my dresser drawer when I don't and can't use them!  LOL!!  It's  yet another final phase I have to get through in order for complete healing, I guess. Oh, well.  Maybe today will be the day I finally get rid of those bras with no purpose.

Overall, I'm a happy camper. As long as I'm moving forward. I like the foward motion of life very much! I refuse to feel sorry for myself because there is no need for that nonsense. I know I'm blessed and am one of the luckiest people on this earth. And  I also don't take naps any longer!  I'm a big girl now!  Gotta laugh about that one. The simpliest of things that thrill me..........Whatever, right?

I have more to say, but for now I think I've purged enough. As I sit here writing on my laptop,  I hear my birds singing outside happily in my tree which is yet another reminder why I'm so happy, too!   It's the simple things in life that wrap me up with love and warmth.  Life is all around us -- enjoy it and treasure it. Sounds cliche?  Oh well, I'd rather spend my life smiling a lot more than with worry and sorrow.

Today, I have more planting to do outside, so I'm going to go do that and then we will head on down to UCSD to watch Humboldt State Men's Basketball in a tournament with some friends who are visiting. Can't wait to yell and scream and carry on! 

I would most definitely say my Cup's Half Full! 

Ciao, Ciao!

I keep on getting healthier!

I figured since it's been awhile I should write down some thoughts I've had since the last time I've written.

I have gone to my plastice surgeon and all is healing well. He is very happy with how my chest looks with the incision marks acrossed each breast -- meaning they are healing well from when I had my bi-lateral mastectomy.  And at that time, the chest expanders were placed under my chest muscle.  Since August 29, 2011, I've had these expanders in my body. They have been very pinchy and uncomfortable at different times. I've had to modify the way I move my upper chest area. It feels like I have some kind of armor wear on my chest at all times.  Of course, I can breathe easily -- no issues that way. It's just uncomfortable at times with certain movements.  My doctor told me I would have these expanders in me now for about 6 - 12 months more. I know there is the curiosity:  Why so long? 

I'm still healing!  I have been through a lot and all my tissues inside my chest area need time.  I have been toxified with Chemo, I've been cut and then RADIATED.  So my body needs time.  As much as I am wanting my new boobies, I realize it's more important for complete healing inside as well as outside.  More importantly: INSIDE.  I'm doing well with my overall emotional side of things -- dealing with being "in between" kind of having boobs and not being finished with reconstruction. But I have all the confidence in my doc and his staff that all will work out.  He's a very meticulous person and very refined at making the best decisions regarding how I should be "put back together."  That's exactly what I want. I hear and read about the opposite happening to other women and I, once again, feel very lucky as to how I've been treated during this whole ordeal.

I will see my doctor again in about 6 weeks to see how I am progressing with the healing from my radiation -- skin color changes, texture; seeing if there are issues that will pop up.

I guess I want to expand on the healing process because I'm not sure how it is for other females, but for me I'm feeling so much better but at this stage it's rather misleading.  Meaning:  Yes, I'm feeling better, getting into normal life "somewhat" but I'm still not back to normal.  I have explained it to my family this way:  I feel like this horse that is ready to run the race - I'm in the gate ready for it to be opened, and I'm pressing up against that gate because I want to break through and run the race of my life.  I want to GO!  I hope that makes sense, but that's how I feel daily.  Then the more logical side of me realizes that if I go crazy out of the gates - I could end up hurting myself. And I don't want to go backwards at all!  I've come this far and I don't want to ruin it for myself.

My radiation burn has almost completely healed with the exception of one little patch of skin that is taking its sweet time healing.  I still will get "shooters" through my left breast area and armpit area (axillary) from the radiation.  Yes, you still cook weeks and weeks after radiation.  And I have to say:  It's not a fun time getting those shooters.  Wow, sometimes, they almost take my breath away.

My fingernails have almost completely healed. On both hands, my ring fingers and pinkies have been the very last 4 nails to completely heal.  Such a strange thing to watch. No, it doesn't hurt at all.  Just weird to see how slow they heal -- maybe it isn't slow -- not sure if others have this same thing occur.

My eyelashes are growing still. They are filling in nicely and getting thicker. They aren't as long as they used to be -- once again, not sure if they will continue to get longer at this point.  I have read that they can still fall out and then regenerate several times before they become more permanent.  I have noticed this occurring with my lower lid eyelashes -- not so much with my upper lid eyelashes.  My eyebrows are filling in but they are most definitely lighter, but they are still growing in.  I have no desire to tattoo them in until I have fully healed. I have the option to pencil additional color in if I want.  I haven't gotten into that too much just because I don't care enough to do so.  LOL!!

My hair is growing like a weed!  OMG, what a mop I've got growing back in.  I'm not complaining at all, it's just an observation!  And, the color is GREY and BLACK and BROWN.  So funny.  Looking pretty good.  Most people love my hair as they think I had it cut this way (styled, I should say!)  So great!  It makes me feel more "normal" that it's not as obvious to others that this was a NUKE job rather than a  STYLED hairdo!  LOL!! I have this paste hair product and I add it to my hair so I get the effect of my hair standing on end -- rather edgy looking. I look very artsy. Loving it!  If I have to be this way, I'm going to make the most of it. And I'm going to wear it well as they say! Why not?  I want to feel good about myself and I'm enjoying this new look.

I have started a new workout program with a wonderful Physical Therapist here in Temecula called Perpetual Motion Physical Therapy.  Dr. Rey is monitoring me closely as I begin a new workout program to bring me back to a level of health.  Monitoring my heart rate, making sure I don't pass out onto the floor; getting me more flexible. I still need to do more YOGA. That is an all round great workout -- mind, body, spirit. And one never realizes how much you are working out till you are into it. It's amazing.

My hubby and I have a new bed -- well, we had to file a warranty claim on our Tempurpedic because it had literally caved in well beyond our body contours -- we've been sleeping in holes for months now. Anyway, they have a great warranty program. I filed all the necessary papers, photos, etc.  Then I received notification that we would be receiving a whole new complete bed! That means, base unit and the mattress.  The newer models are 40 lbs. heavier!  But we have a great frame, so we don't worry.  Needless to say, we are very happy campers and we both are sleeping so much better. It's amazing what a good mattress makes for overall good health!  My energy level is booming big time.  I love the fact I'm feeling better and better!  My body is beginning to respond so much better to the exercise. My inflammation is starting to reduce.  FINALLY!!!  I have a long way to go, but it's beginning to work!

I'm sure on my next blog I will be addressing a certain amount of issues I'm beginning to face -- meaning, catching up with my thoughts on what has transpired in the last few months going through all these changes.  It's pretty overwhelming at times, but for the most part I'm really emotionally healthy and I know it's because I pray so much and I am able to share with those who want to listen. (poor them!  LOL!!) Either way, it's very real and I try to take it day by day only.  Can't look too far into the future.

Yes, my Cup's Half Full and hanging in there. 

Ciao!

It's a Dawn of a New Day ~ Divine Intervention Exists!

My immediate family had an opportunity to take my mom back up to her home in Northern California over the weekend. California is an incredibly long, long state to drive!  We drive to the opposite side of the state in 2 days now.  We never drive it in one day.  It's simply not worth the exhaustion -- so we try to drive 10 hrs in one day and make it an easy trip the second day. 

Mind you, this is the first time to be back in my home town since I was diagnosed.  I've had great emotion about going back -- I/we have very deep roots in this community.  We have so many friends and acquaintances -- everywhere we go, we know people.  It's a good feeling but it can be a little daunting at times getting to and from our destinations because we end up visiting.

I have to say I was like a little kid getting so excited about getting back to where we are from.  I couldn't wait to drink the water, feel the cool, cool air against my face and feel true COLD -- sounds a bit odd, but when you have hot flashes the way I do now, it's a great treat to feel "cold."  The other cool thing is we know this area like the back of our hands and we can enjoy all the best of the best this area has to offer --- I was so hoping to be able to give back to the local economy -- YARNS!!! Of course that's not the only thing we like to support, but in my case, it's a big deal to get the great yarns from the very cool local businesses. 

Before I left for the northcoast, I sent my letter to my former gyno and another letter to the medical society making it attention to their executive director.  I knew that the letters could possibly reach their destinations by Friday and/or Saturday (Jan. 7 or 8th).  As a brief re-cap, this is the letter that I have been talking about --the one that I wanted to send to my former doctor letting her know what my fate has been since March 16, 2011. A letter that was and is very open and honest as to what has transpired to me and my situation -- the fact I went undiagnosed for all those years living in my former community.  I wanted this letter to be one of education, honesty and of true feelings/emotions I've had during this journey.  I have to say, I am very proud of my letter(s) to all parties concerned.  Once again, I will not be pursuing legal action -- there is no winning in my situation as far as I am concerned.  I feel I can be more effective by being honest and open so that maybe -- just MAYBE -- the parties concerned will read and take notice and possibly LEARN and pass it forward into their practices that this won't happen to anymore beautiful and amazing women that live up in my home town. Many people do a lot of talking about "You should do this or you should do that..." but then they never ever follow through. I, for one, am done with  hoping it will work itself out.  I am a doer and I did this because I care about what happens for others who still live up there.  I want to make some kind of impact so that maybe, finally, something will change up there.  Symbolically, the SEED has been planted and maybe it will germinate into a flourishing plant that will grow and spread like an invasive vine!

I have prayed and prayed that my letters will not fall on deaf ears or blind eyes. Someone please listen or read and question policies, procedures, etc.

You know what they say: You better be careful what you ask for.........

This is no kidding ~  we were in the process of packing our vehicle to depart from the area.  I was in the kitchen getting a couple items in order before I was to walk out and place into my car.  The phone rang, my mom answered and then walked over to me and stated to me this call was for me. I was a little surprised because I had said good-bye to my immediate family already......Then I hear a female voice on the other side of the phone -- it was my FORMER gynecologist!  She had received me letter and was calling me to hopefully make sense out of what had transpired.  She told me she was devastated by receiving my letter~ that she was extremely sorry for what has happened to me and that she wanted to understand further what my words to her truly meant.  First off, I was so shocked that she found me.  She found me at my Mom's house at that time and at that moment in time.  This is why I say it must have been DIVINE INTERVENTION.  I immediately needed to find somewhere to sit so I could get focused with this conversation of a lifetime.  The most amazing calm came over me. I felt incredibly calm, focused, clear-minded and genuinely interested in listening. My former doctor talked for about 2 minutes straight explaining to me her shock and confusion about all that I had informed her. Very apologetic -- I completely understood ~ I do know it must have been very uncomfortable for her NOT TO HEAR A WORD from me until she asked me a question.  I was in no hurry to interrupt.  I most definitely wanted her to feel the SILENCE.  Sometimes that complete silence at the other end of a conversation can be the most effective.  Once again, when she asked me questions, I was able to give her complete, concise and very open and honest answers.  I wasn't throwing things into her face; I wasn't being patronizing; I wasn't angry -- I know I was given GRACE.  It was so profoundly powerful for me.  This grace must have come from my angels that have been guiding me through such heavy times.  I've had many a conversation in my head if I were ever given the opportunity to have a conversation with my former doc.  How many people get an opportunity to do this when you've been "wronged" the way I have.  All I've known was I had to write the letters so I could move forward in my life without carrying this toxicity.

Needless to say, she and I proceeded to have a conversation woman to woman. My youngest daughter witnessed the conversation along with my husband and mom. They stated that it was like watching the "old wise one" who was able to give words of wisdom when it was needed.  My intentions were clear -- all I wanted was for her to listen to my request that she BE PRESENT for her patients and that she go the extra mile for her patients. She was very apologetic; I know she was listening -- she was living her nightmare as a doctor and I realize this.  I didn't need to remind her of this fact.  I did let her know about what I have been experiencing without going into too much detail because it was all said in the letter to her.  I know this was a moment in her life that she will never, ever forget -- and I'm glad! I think our conversation lasted 20 minutes.  But I finally had to tell her I needed to go -- we were getting in our car before she called.  It felt so right for me to end this conversation.  I had said everything I wanted to say.  I have such great relief I cannot tell anyone how wonderful it feels.  I have no regrets; I don't have to hold onto ill-will any longer and I am finally FREE!  Oh, what a feeling this is and has been since I've been home from Northern California.  The further we traveled away from my home town, the better I felt and still do.  I do care for my friends and former neighbors and colleagues, but my life is here with my family and new friends and neighbors.  I have no ill will up there, I have CLOSURE! It's a beautiful thing!  I still have more challenges ahead, but at least I have this horrible toxic subject closed! I will always pray for my sisters up there!  Always! The seed has been planted ~ maybe there will be changes.

You see, My Cup's Half Full!  It's worth being positive!  It's worth it! I don't believe in harboring ill-will feelings and carrying around hatred! NO WAY!  I'm ALIVE AND WELL!  HEAR ME ROAR!